Psych s01e15 Episode Script

This is torture.
It's not torture, Shawn, it's a 10 minute ride to the police station.
But I wanna eat my candy.
Not until I have it X-Rayed.
Well, can I eat my candy? Knock yourself out, Lando.
As long as your old man doesn't mind his nine year-old son passing razor blades.
Officer, please! We've got a jumper.
Hey, hey, back off, I got kids in here.
Phone lines are down, we tried the police already.
There's no time.
She's really gonna jump.
Okay, okay, look, look, I'll radio for backup.
I not gonna subject these boys to Dad, you have to help.
Sonofa Now listen to me boys, I do not want you to leave this vehicle.
Do you understand? I want you to stay put until I get back.
Don't look, don't listen.
Just shut your eyes.
And keep them shut.
I'll be right back.
She's straight up the stairs.
Room 413! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Not even sort of.
Gus You'll thank me later.
Doreen! Doreen.
Doreen! I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know Theyjust don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end You cheated.
I did not cheat.
You're not using the side walls at all.
I don't need your tips, Shawn.
I've beaten you before.
Yeah.
When we were 12.
And I had pinkeye.
Immaterial.
The low game was crackling.
The worm burner was in full effect.
Okay, you cannot have a shot called the worm burner.
Why not? Because it's my strikeout pitch in Wiffle ball.
Pick a different name.
Excuse us, may we help you? Hey, guys.
Damn, girl.
Yeah, I know.
Get it all out now.
I barely recognize myself.
But isn't it kind of amazing? Mary Lou Baumgartner.
National Alumni Vice Parliamentarian.
Beta Kappa Theta Sorority.
Guys.
I'm undercover.
Deep.
We should totally celebrate.
It's crazy.
I have spent the entire morning planning a mixer! And yesterday, I went and I had a Himalayan mani-pedi.
Yeah, at first it was just to get the other girls to talk, but then I realized my cuticles have been completely taken for granted.
Jules, you realize that we are the only ones that can see or hear you.
Yeah, okay, I admit.
I've been undercover a week now, and it's really hard to get out of this mindset.
These girls, they are demons.
They are vicious little prairie dogs with trust funds and collagen parties.
It's a lot to juggle and I need a favor.
Okay.
I've been at the university investigating the death of a coed, Doreen Harthan.
The girl they found at Wispy Sunny Pines.
Wasn't that a suicide? Allegedly.
A copycat job.
I guess Santa Barbara has some sort of urban legend about a mental patient who jumped from room 413.
Scary Sherry.
We know that one.
Yeah, well, I'm not so sure about the suicide angle and Interim ChiefVick is putting a tremendous amount of faith in me to crack this thing and I need to build a case.
So I'm here, but I'm not.
Get it? Gus, what's the word? That'd be mum.
Doreen was pledging a sorority.
And I, or, Mary Lou, am helping my sisters through this very difficult time.
I'm convinced they know more than they're letting on.
I need a psychic to read the sorority house.
Can you come by tonight? Can we wear pajamas? No.
Even better.
Guys, this is serious, there's some really weird stuff that's been going on.
The girls are petrified, they think they're being haunted.
By what? Oh, come on, Jules.
You know we're gonna come man up.
Just tell us.
Doreen Harthan's lumbering ghost.
Lumbering? Seems completely logical to me.
Meet me at the house at 7:00.
And remember, I was never here.
Quick question.
Where's Lassiter for all of this? Temporary re-assignment.
Bye.
Excuse me, I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate this room.
Excuse me, I'm gonna have to ask you to go screw yourself.
I beg your pardon? Oh, don't beg.
Look, there's gonna be a private meeting in this room between myself and a new detective from a new department.
Well, then I must be in the right place.
No, Ma'am, I'm looking for a rookie.
What the hell does that mean? You know, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, roots matching the rest of the hair.
I'm a detective.
Goochberg.
Gooch to people I respect.
And those few lucky enough to have seen me naked.
Guess which one you should use? God, the first one? I'm sorry, how can you possibly be a rookie at your, you know, advanced age? I passed the test Friday.
I had to sue the department to let me take it again.
Again? I might have failed it.
A few times.
Thirteen to be exact.
But that's the first thing you're gonna learn about me, scarecrow, the word "quit" is not in my vocabulary.
Where do you go to shoot guns around here? I see a man.
He's driving your car.
You don't know him.
He's a valet.
And a mall.
Wait, I see a shoe store.
Your father's gold card.
A Jamba Juice may have been involved? Oh, my God.
I totally went shopping today.
I passed by a Jamba on State Street.
You are amazing.
See, Bianca? Now tell Shawn what happened to you last night.
Okay, here goes.
This is so scary.
I was lying in bed, watching One Tree Hill, my favorite show, Chad Michael Murray is so hot.
And I have this cute liquid kitty alarm clock, right? It meows and it blinks its eyes every half hour.
So, all of a sudden, they just started blinking over and over and over and then it just stopped.
And then, it let out this half-meow.
And then its tail fell off.
Then it exploded.
Wow.
Slow build.
Half meow, unexpected.
Didn't see the end coming at all.
How about you, Gus? What? No, I can't say I did.
Anybody else? Okay, so basically it's a lot of really weird stuff that's creepy and happens at night.
Mr.
Spencer is it? Yes, that's correct Mrs Baumgartner.
Now, what I'm going to need from you, is an article of clothing.
Preferably an undergarment.
Don't you usually get that from the victim? I've seen it both ways.
I'm gonna have to take a look around to see what I feel.
Starting with the bedrooms.
Of course.
I'll show you upstairs.
Ask him.
You ask him.
What? What do you wanna ask me, girls? Don't be nervous.
I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you.
Okay.
Did you really play Bud on The Cosby Show? Bud? Who told you that? BIANCA: I knew I recognized you! Wait, wait I'm not Oh, come-on, don't be modest, Gus.
You are totally Bud! Shawn, you believe this? No, no, no, I didn't catch anything, Bud.
Stop telling people that my name is Bud.
Get out! Ackenaib! Ackenaib! Ackenaib! Shawn! Where are you going! My partner and I just need to confer in private.
Compare notes and what not.
Okay.
The girls are sleeping over at the Omega Muse.
Well, they can come home tomorrow, I found the evil spirit, it's Radio Shack.
The face at the window, the old flood light on the roof trick.
That's how they do it at Haunted Mansion.
Don't ask me how I know that.
These girls are awful.
The suspect list is essentially the entire student registry.
Although Although what? Alice Bundy.
Doreen's best friend, her roommate.
Thought you said she lived at home.
The Harthan's took Alice in.
She's the only one that I haven't talked to, but conventional wisdom would say, she has a score to settle.
Holy Shitzu! Excuse me? This new polish is already starting to chip! You know, you might actually hit the target more if you bothered to blink in between rounds.
And of course your concentration level might get a little boost if you bothered to wear protective ear and eyewear.
That wouldn't do any good, I'm totally deaf in this ear.
It was in a bar room fight with a teamster.
She had a waffle iron.
But see, that's not the problem.
The problem is this pea-shooter.
This pea-shooter they issued me.
I need a real gun.
I need something like this.
Let me see this.
No! Oh, see now, this is a gun.
No, you see, that's an enormously powerful handgun.
You're not bracing yourself for the kickback.
Don't tell me my business, kid.
Trust me, you won't even recognize yourself.
Which is a really good thing.
It will be fun, and you can help save the endangered tamarind monkeys.
Bianca, you have like twice as many flyers as me and Mary Lou.
What's going on with you? Are you like pregnant or something? Can you shut up for like five seconds, Betty? Oh, my God, you are being such a horrid little bitch right now.
How can you just Aren't you scared? I haven't slept at all, I feel like I'm losing Suck it up.
End of story.
I will not go down with you, Bianca.
Alice Bundy? Hi.
I'm Mary Lou Baumgartner.
Beta Kappa Theta West Coast Alumni Save it, I already hate you.
Vice Parliamentarian.
Oh.
Well.
I know you were Doreen's best friend and I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you that if there's anything that I or Beta Kappa Theta can do for you during this very difficult time, please don't hesitate to ask.
How does it feel being Queen of the Damned? Alice, I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Just stay away from me.
Fair warning.
Ew! Hair.
Yeah.
What are you doing? I'm riding in the back.
No, you're not.
I'm not gonna take a stray bullet for you, scarecrow.
Look, even if I wanted to sit in the front, it's not gonna happen.
My eyes can't take that kind of direct sunlight.
My rods and cones are all out of whack.
I took a crowbar to an eye socket during a sangria party gone wrong.
Long story short, I've got early onset retinitis pigmentosa.
Hey buddy, good news.
I just got a fax confirming that the city of Santa Barbara has unanimously voted you Exorcist of the year.
Okay, make all your little jokes.
But I know who's right on my ass all the way to the car.
I had no choice.
You were my ride home.
Shawn, you were screaming too.
Yes, I was screaming, "Gus, stop, let's be brave.
" Look, both the parents and the best friend were adamant that Doreen had too much to live for to kill herself.
Plus, she was pledging a sorority.
Right.
Now, take another look at this.
The latch is broken.
And she fell backwards.
Scary Sherry took a swan dive.
Exactly.
Gus, you are on fire.
Thank you.
The copy cat suicide angle literally goes out the window.
What next? I couldn't find the word "Ackenaib" anywhere.
I checked alternate spellings, all possible roots, nothing in Latin.
So now I'm going through the dead languages by region.
Sanskrit was a wash, as was Avestan.
Up next is Old Church Slavonic, but to be honest I think it's all just nonsensical gibberish.
But it's gotta mean something.
The voice in the house kept repeating it.
Ackenaib.
Ackenaib.
Ackenaib.
What's Juliet's number? I have a theory.
What's the theory? Gus, just feed me the digits.
Why do I always have to ask what the damn theory is, Shawn? Hello? Is Bianca with you? Who wants to know? Jules, where is she? Okay, tone.
She's back at the house with Betty, running late for the mixer.
Just like me.
All right, listen, I've had a vision.
We need to meet at the sorority house on the fly.
Shawn, I can't.
I have to make the spirit speech and who's gonna fuse the planter's punch? Oh, yeah, by the way, I met Alice Bundy today.
She's not a shiny happy person.
I think Jules! Doreen didn't kill herself.
She was not alone in that room.
And we need to talk to Bianca right now! She's in danger! Bianca! What are you doing in there? We're gonna be totally late for Mary Lou's speech and we're supposed to lead the slow clap.
Just go without me.
You don't have to wait.
Okay.
This is ridiculous.
Just open the door.
I'm coming in there.
I'm not going to the mixer, Betty.
Even if I wanted to, my fingers and toes are all pruney now.
Ew! Bianca, open the door.
This is completely ridiculous.
Hello? Mary Lou! It's Bianca! Help! Jules? Betty, if you know something you have to tell the chief here.
We're all in danger.
Any one of us could be next.
I can sit here all night, Betty.
I've got six month old who still has colic, I consider this a reprieve.
Now, why is your friend Bianca dead? I can see it.
I can see you running down the hallway at the asylum.
Wait a second.
Doreen wasn't supposed to die.
This was an accident.
The wood was rotten and the latch broke! Yes, yes! It broke! Don't you see we never meant for her to fall.
It was a complete accident! Oh, my God, Bianca, what the hell did you do? Please, do continue.
It was my job to get Doreen into the house.
She knew that it was a haze.
She thought that she was supposed to spend the whole night inside.
Like that movie with the hedge maze and Vincent Van Patten? Hell Night.
Exactly.
Bianca was inside wearing this nightgown, you know, like Scary Sherry, the girl who jumped from We know.
Nightgown.
Nightgown.
I'm feeling the nightgown.
Put it in.
Bianca buried it in the tar pits three nights ago.
Tar pits? I know.
It was really gross and sticky.
But, she was just scared.
We both were.
Look, it was an accident, I swear to God.
Bianca tried to grab her arm but it was too late.
Nobody was supposed to die.
Now Bianca's gone, too.
You withheld evidence.
And by conspiring with Bianca we can charge you with involuntary manslaughter.
You understand that's a crime? I know! No! You actually slept here last night? Yes, I did, it's called crunch time.
Have you checked the messages? Have we heard from Juliet? Yeah.
Alice Bundy's alibi is airtight.
She lives with Doreen's family.
Said she went upstairs to bed early that night and the parents confirmed it, they were still downstairs awake when the police called.
Who the hell's doing this? Oh.
And your dad called.
What could he possibly want? Said he wanted to remind you about dinner tonight.
You're supposed to bring dessert.
He actually seemed sort of excited.
Oh, God, that's tonight.
Dude, you have to come.
Oh, I don't know about that, Shawn.
It seems like a pretty big deal, him reaching out and all.
I wouldn't want to intrude.
Gus, he loves you.
He always has.
Plus, if you come we can roll earlier.
We'll say we're working on a case.
We are working on a case.
Sweet.
So, it's settled.
What are you doing? I have to start and ultimately finish my route.
Awesome.
I'm going to find Alice "best friend" Bundy.
Don't you think that girl has been through enough, Shawn? Gus, there is no such thing as an air tight alibi.
And if there is, we're going to pretend like there isn't.
This girl is Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct.
Which makes me Michael Douglas and you George Dzundza.
Who's name is actually Gus in the film.
Until we have another lead, we assume it's her.
We've just got to figure out the "how.
" So far, no ice pick.
First of all, don't ever compare my black ass to George Dzundza again, okay? Fair.
And what can you possibly ask that girl that the police already haven't? Wanna split a pineapple? I'm sorry, do I know you? My name is Ichibod Fletchman.
Sticky Icky to my boys.
But that's neither here nor there.
What's important is that this baby is Are you a crazy person? It's funny I was about to ask you the same thing.
Only I was going to add "who likes to make toast" to the end of mine.
Great.
So you're another cop then? Not a cop.
Not even close.
Then who are you? Hint.
Green Day there is about to eat some stone.
How did you do that? I'm a psychic.
Pass.
Oh, come on.
I was trying to be cool.
What do you want from me? You want to read my palm? You want a lock of hair? Alice.
I can feel that you're hurting.
Really? Can you feel that I'm hurting? Come on, psychic, you can do better than that.
Can't you? Do you have a best friend? I do.
Since birth, almost.
Great.
Then maybe you can wrap your head around this.
Doreen and I were closer than sisters.
Her parents took me in when I was seven.
Seven.
They raised me.
We did everything together.
The one time I wasn't there, the one time I let her down, and now she's gone.
I know that if anything ever happened to Gus I would I don't know.
Look, do you really think I killed that girl? Do you? I understand your suspicion, but I'm barely hanging on here, and I just don't think that I'm not a murderer.
Well, I certainly hope not for your sake.
Someone came in and emptied the cash register when I was in the back.
You're not writing this down? Who's got the arthritic thumb here? I hitchhiked from Jersey to Havana when I was 19.
They also got away with about $60 worth of rump roast.
Don't try to sell me on that nonsense, you punk.
What? You think this is my first square dance? Give me your gun, Lassiter.
I'll show you how to make this little pig squeal.
You just gonna let him go? He's the victim, Goochberg! Fine.
Fine.
I'll do it myself.
Mary Lou, wait! I totally almost forgot to give this to you.
What is it, Eden? I don't know.
It was left on the stoop like a little baby orphan.
"God's gift is forgiveness.
"Please join us in remembering our daughter.
"Your attendance would be greatly appreciated.
" Tonight? Hello! Plans.
Bye.
Bye.
Boy, we really should be going.
Come on, guys.
Shawn, stay.
Your case will still be there.
The sooner we can crack this case and move on the better.
Believe me.
This wouldn't have anything to do with the Wispy Sunny Pines suicide now, would it? No.
Yes, sir.
Ooh, the plot thickens.
Okay.
It's true, fine.
And it hits a little close to home seeing as how we were there the first time it happened.
First time what happened? Did you open your eyes? Dad, you've known me my whole life.
Of course, I opened my eyes.
Shawn, that is why I used to refuse to let you ride around with me.
Dad, let it go, I was nine.
It's a lack of respect.
Of protocol.
Of protocol? Again, can I plead nine years old? And you guys have been freaked out about this your entire lives? I don't even drive by that place.
I really don't think it's funny.
It was a very scary thing for two young boys.
It certainly puts a new spin on the nanny in The Omen.
You know that's right.
Shawn, how much did you see? I didn't exactly see it.
Luckily, he missed the bitter, grisly end.
Luckily? Yes, luckily.
I covered his eyes but we know what happened.
Oh, I beg to differ.
It seems you two missed one very small but important detail.
She never jumped.
What? No.
No, that's impossible.
We saw the window, she was gone.
Yeah.
Because one off-duty police officer pulled her back inside.
Scary Sherry Craddock was rehabilitated.
I'm pretty sure she's married and lives in Fresno.
Come on, guys, give me some credit.
I have no idea how that ridiculous urban legend got started in the first place.
Your big ass mouth.
I wanted to keep it a secret.
You're the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table.
I can't believe this.
We actually started an urban legend.
That's dope.
Sometimes, Shawn, the answer is right in front of your eyes.
You just need to choose to see it.
That was creepy.
This is it.
Alice's house.
I know there's something here, I just got to find it.
Here's the plan.
You ring the doorbell and distract who Who Whom Who The person.
The person that answers the door.
I go around back and look for a way in.
Are you kidding? It took you the whole ride to come up with that? Feel free to make revisions.
How am I supposed to distract them? You'll think of something.
Good luck.
We're all counting on you.
Mrs.
Harthan? No.
The Harthans are down at the cemetery.
I'm Poppy, the housekeeper.
May I help you? Yes.
Have you seen Mrs.
Pickles? Mrs.
Pickles? Mrs.
Pickles.
My Orange Tabby! You must have seen her before.
She's pregnant with who knows how many unborn Tabby kittens and I've lost her.
You know that growing up in Edinburgh, my sisters and I had a basset hound who used to hoot like a snowy owl.
No kidding.
What was his name? We called him Basset Hound.
Although my sister, she always used called him Uncle Jimmy.
I never knew why.
Mrs.
Pickles! Here.
Your Mrs.
Pickles will come back to you, D'Andre.
Doreen and I were closer than sisters.
What in heaven's that? I've got to set this thing on vibrate.
I'm sorry, who is this? Shawn, it's Eden! Who? From Beta Kappa Theta.
Are you coming to our party or what the heck? There are cops here and everything.
Let me talk to Mary Lou.
Mary Lou had to go to some candlelight vigil thingy for Doreen.
Vigil? What vigil? There Yeah, at that creepy Wispy Sunny Pines' place.
Bianca buried it at the tar pits three nights ago.
What about Bud? Can he come? Has anyone ever told you that you look like little Bud from the old Cosby Show? Yes, ma'am.
But I was not Bud.
Hello? You bet.
It's her.
Who? Mrs.
Pickles.
She's home.
I believe it was It was her.
And I've got the how.
We have to go to Wispy Sunny Pines.
What? No, no.
You said go to the sorority house.
The girls are fine.
The cops are there.
Meanwhile, Juliet's at some candlelight vigil with Doreen's family at the asylum.
Wait.
No, no.
The housekeeper said Doreen's parents were at the cemetery.
What? What? Oh, God! Of course.
Why mess around with the worker bees when you can kill the queen? What are you talking about, Shawn? Gus, Alice.
She wanted us all at that party, including us, so that she could get Mary Lou by herself.
This is Silence of the Lambs! Which means we're both Scott Glen.
Okay, Shawn, listen to me.
If I'm gonna go back to that creepy ass institution that I've been afraid to drive by since I was nine, there are going to be some rules and regulations.
Gus, this is no time for Listen, Shawn.
I will not enter a room first.
I will not enter a room last.
I will not investigate any suspicious noises or go looking for a fuse box.
And you will not, under any circumstances, leave me by myself without a weapon of some sort.
Do you understand and agree to my terms? I'm not prepared to negotiate.
Do you understand, Shawn? Yes! I do! Yes! All right.
Let's go help Juliet.
Scarecrow, did we get him? No.
No.
Of course, we didn't get him.
Your little pursuit sort of ended when you had a mild cardiac arrest.
When were you gonna tell me about the pacemaker? And how dare you try and scale a fence in high heels? He was the victim, Goochberg.
But did we get him? Yeah.
Yeah, we got him, Goochberg.
Lassiter.
Spencer? You realize you are the second last human person on this planet I want to be speaking to right now.
Call for backup, O'Hara.
Just make the call.
Better safe than sorry.
Mary Lou.
We're over here.
I have to say I'm a little shocked to see you here.
Where's everyone else? Upstairs.
They're waiting for you.
I told them you probably wouldn't show.
Maybe you misjudged me.
Maybe I did.
Follow me.
Wow! This must have taken hours.
I mean, this is really extensive, candle-wise.
The whole family is waiting in room 413.
Okay.
Alice, what the hell is this? Welcome to the party, Mary Lou.
It's a banquet fit for a queen! Alice, you do not wanna do this.
Give me the axe.
I'm not who you think I am.
No.
You're exactly who I think you are.
You're the reason girls vomit and starve themselves to death.
And you're the reason that they fill themselves with plastic.
And you are the reason that Doreen is dead.
And so now, on behalf of the entire suit of the broken hearts, Alice will now lop off the Queen's head.
That just sounded so much better out loud than it did in my head.
Lassie, our timing is really starting to crackle.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We made a deal, Shawn! Thank you.
Get it out! Get it out! Pull your foot out of the shoe! I can't! It's too tight! Don't leave me, Shawn! That was rule number five! Loosen your big toe? I can't move my big toe.
What? Work the laces! Shawn, Shawn! Shawn! O' Hara! Juliet! That is it! Nowyou die for sure! I don't think so.
You are under arrest, you crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy bitch! Detective! Juliet! Hey.
I got it.
I got it.
What in the hell happened in there? She's crazy! Look, she's possessed.
You have to believe me.
O'Hara? You're asking me? I though I was coming to a candlelight vigil.
I thought I was coming to pay my condolences.
Apparently that wasn't the case.
Ow! Give me that.
What would you have done, Shawn? If it was your best friend? What would you have done? Oh, no.
Gus.
Shawn, come get me out of here! This is not funny, Shawn! Did I upset you? Upset me? Insult you? Demean you in some way that I did not comprehend? Detective, I am pretty sure I have no idea what you are talking about.
The woman.
The crazy woman.
The half-deaf litigating nightmare express of a detective.
Why would you put me, of all people, with her? I'm head detective.
Honestly, detective, I thought you two might hit it off.
Why would you possibly think that? She kinda reminded me a little of you.
You know, a few years down the road.
Similar interests.
Outlooks.
Everyone thought it was a good idea.
That's how people perceive me? We're all surprised it didn't work out, Carlton.
You sick mother Dude, we could hear you from the fourth floor.
Don't lie! Don't lie! Hey, Lassie.
In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity I'm not inclined to resign to maturity If it's all right then you're all wrong But why bounce around to the same damn song? You'd rather run when you can't crawl I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know