Roseanne s01e15 Episode Script

bECKY: mom, we're watching shock theatre.
dad said it's really scary.
maybe we can turn out the lights and burn some candles.
you want the neighbors to find out we're devil worshippers? dad said i could watch shock theater.
oh, he did, did he? me and my man are gonna get shocked.
over my dead body.
before the night is over, we'll be up to our necks in dead bodies.
d.
j.
, you don't want to watch all that scary stuff.
that'll give you nightmares.
no, it won't.
well, they give me nightmares.
hey dad, we gonna work on the boat tomorrow? you bet.
i figure we can put in a couple of ribs, and get 'em sanded down real good.
gee, i only wish you were as interested in your homework as you are in working on that damn boat.
hey, i do my homework.
get off my back! i got dibs on the couch.
you're not hogging the whole thing, lard butt.
bECKY: hey deej, can i have the salt? - hey, you.
- who, me? yeah.
what do you think you're doing, letting him stay up late to watch all this trash? honey, this is classic trash.
besides, i wasn't that much older than the lad there when i saw my first shocker.
yeah, and look what happened to you.
knock it off, count.
besides, i'm gonna be sitting next to him the whole time.
he's probably gonna fall asleep before the first commercial.
- what are you worried about? - i'm worried he's gonna be sleeping between us for the next two weeks.
it's starting, dad.
come on, we need you.
d.
j.
, wake up, it's starting.
sorry, babe, kids want vampires.
mob rules.
instead of watching the thing that wouldn't die, on the thing that wouldn't die, why don't we all do something together? we are doing something together.
i wonder what people did before television.
they made dolls out of corn cobs, and stared at fire.
dARLENE: mom? what's the matter? i don't feel so good.
what's wrong? i don't know.
you have a headache? - no.
- or a stomach ache? no.
you worried about making the mortgage payment? no.
come here.
well, you don't have a fever, so i guess you're not gonna perish in the night.
i just can't get back to sleep.
did you have a nightmare? maybe.
was it in turn-of- the-century vienna? no.
what was it about? i can't remember.
darlene, don't you think you're a little old for this? i don't want to go back to my room.
can't i stay here, just for a little while? just until i fall asleep? oh, you don't want to sleep here, honey.
trust me.
daddy doesn't even like sharing the bed with me.
oh, i know.
i got a better idea.
come on, i'll take you back up to your room.
- dan? - yeah.
remember how you said you'd be responsible for whatever happened tonight? uh-huh.
darlene's up, and she can't go back to sleep.
so all you gotta do is take her back up to her room and get her a drink of water.
tuck her in and make sure she gets back to sleep.
okay.
all right, honey, come on.
let's go.
i don't think i can fall asleep.
you want me to tell you the story about how i met daddy? that might do it.
can't i sleep on the couch? no.
darlene, your nightmare's not gonna come back.
and even if it does, you know where to find me.
i'm in the book.
i don't wanna fall asleep.
tell me what you dreamt about, honey.
you might feel better if you talk about it.
it was scary.
dreams are nothing to be afraid of.
it's just when you're asleep, there's this part of your brain that just sits around telling stories.
you mean like grandpa? tell me what you dreamt.
no, forget about it.
i don't want to.
are you okay, honey? i guess.
sure you are.
you just lay here and close your eyes, and you'll be asleep in no time.
mom! what? nothing.
do you want me to stay here with you for awhile? okay, move over.
okay, lift up your head here.
close your eyes.
give me this damn thing.
okay.
so it was the spring of 1971.
and i'm coming out of school, and there's this like really great-looking guy standing there, you know.
and he's wearing this really cool varsity jacket and everything.
and he's cussing out his motorcycle, you know, 'cause it wouldn't start.
so i go over there and darlene? then what happened? nothing.
go back to sleep! bECKY: do you know what the absolute most grossinating part of the movie was? no, but i got a feeling i'm gonna find out.
definitely when the vampire threw up after eating the judge.
i'm trying to eat breakfast! would you shut up about the stupid movie? what is your problem? your face.
- what's with her? - she had a rough night.
whoo! great morning, huh? shut up.
i can't wait for aunt jackie to get her to do my hair.
- can i watch? - just stay out of the way.
how come you're still in your nightgown? - i'm waiting to go to sleep.
- didn't you sleep last night? no.
- i slept great.
- i bet you did.
you had that great, big bed all to yourself.
where were you? i was upstairs ghostbusting.
oh, babe, you should have woke me up.
well, why didn't i think of that? d.
j.
have a nightmare? i don't know, i was too busy dealing with darlene's.
darlene had a nightmare? that's what she said, but it just seems like something else was going on.
why does it have to be something else? kids have nightmares.
yeah, and i bet watching schlock theater didn't help.
hey, i once had a nightmare for an entire month.
it was the single most frightening- god, when i think of it even now.
i used to have this cup.
and on the side of the cup was a decal of an airplane.
and every time i started to take a drink, the top of the cup would touch my nose and the propellers would start up, and the airplane would get going, and i swear this is true, it flew right up my nose.
you're scary.
i know it doesn't sound like much now, but you didn't see the size of the propellers.
dan, this is no ordinary airplane-up-the-nose nightmare.
this is darlene.
when was the last time she didn't make it through the night? and she refused to go back to sleep.
i was up there all night with her.
- hey, big d.
- hi, dad.
what time's your basketball game? - 1:30.
- great.
we can put in a couple of hours on the boat.
bECKY: d.
j.
, they're not in there! i don't want to work on the boat today, okay, dad? - mom? - yeah, honey? - i- - bECKY: d.
j.
! hey, baby, i can't fit a rib without my master carpenter.
not today, okay, dad? - mom? - what, honey? will you tell d.
j.
to stop bothering me? he spilled my makeup all over the bathroom.
yeah, i'll be there in a minute.
no, mother, now.
i've got to get ready for my date tonight.
mom, this is very important.
oh, honey, i'll be right back in a minute.
honey, listen to your weatherbeaten old skipper of a father.
nightmares can really depress you.
i know, 'cause when i was a kid, and i shudder even thinking of this now, i had a recurring nightmare.
and it happened in broad daylight.
the most terrifying dreams can happen during the daytime.
did you know that? because they're so real.
this one was a beaut.
i used to have this little cup- an airplane flew up his nose.
you don't want to hear it.
i was just trying to explain to the child that i know how terrifying nightmares can be.
can everybody shut up about nightmares? i didn't have a nightmare.
then why'd you have trouble going to sleep? are you worried about your basketball game? no, i wasn't worried about my basketball game.
did you screw up in history again, darlene? no, i didn't screw up in history again.
then what is the matter? i got my period, okay?! - hi, sis.
- hey, jackie.
welcome to you wash, we pay laundromat.
you think the only reason i come over here is to do my laundry? no, i think you come over for the free coffee too.
- get outta here! - hidden scent.
all right, what do you guys think of this outfit to go rollerskating in? i think that that would look great with your hair swept up.
yeah.
chip loves my hair like that.
well, not too up though 'cause i don't want nobody mistaking you for some kind of cocktail waitress.
mom so, what's new? darlene got her period last night.
you're kidding.
she's only 11.
well, i was only 11.
yeah, but you were already wearing a "d" cup.
yeah, two of 'em.
jACKIE: so, i guess she's pretty upset, huh? yeah, and i wish she'd talk to me about it.
give her some time.
poor kid's just been sentenced to 35 years of monthly inconvenience.
well, gee, jackie, i only hope i can find a way to impart that enlightened viewpoint onto my daughter.
you will.
just tell her about all these famous athletic women types and how they all get their periods too.
yeah, why didn't i think of that? well, no matter what you tell her, it's gonna be better than the way mom handled it.
remember she told us if we had any questions to feel free to ask the school nurse.
right? so what- what about- she brought pamphlets home from the red cross.
for two weeks i thought what i had was a national disaster.
well, to mom, it was.
when i got mine, she cried for three days about how she'd lost her little baby.
yeah, well you had it easy, sis.
'cause i had to break that woman in.
she was a basket case.
she almost ruined the whole thing for me.
you were so weird.
it's like you were looking forward to it.
yeah, i was finally doing something that mom couldn't control.
besides, it meant i wasn't gonna get any more nancy drew books for my birthday.
i was just trying to find a cure for it.
- it's not a disease.
- i know it's not.
but it felt like it.
i thought i couldn't go swimming anymore, and i couldn't horse around with the boys anymore like i used to.
i bet that's exactly the way darlene feels right now.
yeah, i bet it is too.
i wish there was some way to tell her, even if she doesn't feel like it now, - this is really something to celebrate.
- uh-huh.
she's finally becoming a full-fledged member of the woman race.
and here comes our newest member.
hi, aunt jackie.
hi, honey.
how you feeling? god, mom, you have to tell the whole world? jackie, does the phrase "timing is everything" ring a bell here? oh, i'm sorry.
i didn't know you were here.
hey, wait a minute, honey.
uh good going.
thanks, dad.
wait a second, honey.
uh what are they talking about in there? oh, they're all yakking about becky's hair, you know.
yeah.
so - how's it coming? - all right.
i don't know if she'll ever float, but she's coming slowly.
oh, there's my basketball.
i knew i left it somewhere.
yeah, hey, uh, what time's your game? oh, yeah, that's right.
you got plenty of time.
- loads.
- yeah.
you know you don't have to play if you don't feel like it.
- i know.
- oh.
are you, uh- are you gonna play? i don't know.
oh.
well, uh, listen, uh what? i think i should say something.
you don't have to.
no, i know i don't have to but i i should say something.
here.
grandpa says that you said lace was on 'em.
yeah, what? basketballs.
oh, yeah, they did.
laces on 'em.
dad, how do i look? beautiful.
guys aren't supposed to look beautiful! damn beautiful.
that's better.
where was i? not sure.
oh, yeah, i was gonna say something.
and uh, sometimes saying something, as far as your father is concerned isn't the easiest thing in the world.
- i know.
- yeah, so basically, what it boils down to is this: this is basically what it boils down to: what? darlene yeah? i love you.
i love you too, daddy.
well, uh, here, in case you decide you want to play.
- thanks.
- yeah, uh, hey.
good going.
thanks.
what? so what'd your daddy have to say? you want to know what dad said? he said, "so good going.
" my life is over and he congratulated me.
what are you doing? getting rid of all this junk.
ohh, i get it.
you think you gotta leave this stuff behind you now.
like women have to give up baseball gloves and start wearing aprons and stuff.
all i know is i'm not shaving my legs and wearing pantyhose like becky.
you think i make becky put on make-up and wear perfume? no.
no, she does it 'cause she's always liked that kind of stuff.
that's the kind of woman she wants to be.
well, that's not the kind of woman i want to be.
then what are you throwing all your stuff away for? these are a girl's things, darlene, as long as a girl uses 'em.
you love all this stuff.
that's reason enough to keep it.
definitely, and since you got your period, you're gonna be throwing a lot farther.
oh, god.
why me? - 'cause you're lucky.
- right.
move.
now, you- you get to be part of the whole cycle of things.
you know, the moon and the water.
and the seasons.
it's almost magical, darlene.
and you should be really proud today, 'cause this is the beginning of a lot of really wonderful things in your life.
yeah, cramps.
well, i'll admit that's one of the highlights, but i'm talking about a part that's even better than that.
name one good thing that could come out of this whole mess.
okay, i'll name three.
okay, becky, d.
j.
, and what's that other kid's name? you know, that real kind of bratty one? - mom.
- no, it's not mom.
it's, uh what is it? darlene.
yeah, that's what it is.
darlene.
thanks, mom.
could you go now? yeah, one more thing.
watch out for those mood swings.
well, bub, i think the cubs are gonna have trouble with the mets this year.
i hate the mets.
you and me both.
gimme a smooch on that one.
so, did chip kiss you goodnight? yeah.
does that mean i can't? you can have this cheek.
oh, thanks.
you know you're my favorite daughter, don't you? - night, mom.
- night.
- hi.
- hello.
what's this i hear about a kiss? chip's my boyfriend.
he can kiss me.
where did he kiss you? right there.
- where? - there.
- where? where? - there.
- night, princess.
- night, dad.
i think after a good night's sleep i'll feel better in the morning.
i don't know how to tell you this, honey, but you ain't gonna feel better for about 40 years.
good night.
you know you're my favorite daughter, don't you? but of course.
hmm.
voila.
feed me.