The Middle s01e15 Episode Script

FRANKIE: Valentine's Day.
When couples take their one special day to express their love for each other.
For couples with kids, Valentine's Day can be a different story.
- Happy Valentine's Day.
- Yep.
[BRICK RETCHES.]
FRANKIE: And this year didn't hold the promise of being any different.
Uh-oh.
Is it Valentine's Day? I owe you flowers.
Yeah.
Relax, it's not till Saturday.
Oh, help.
Brick forgot he had to bring valentines to his social group tomorrow.
The Odd Squad celebrating Valentine's Day, huh? That ought to be fun.
Mike.
FRANKIE: A few weeks ago, Brick's teacher suggested he join a group that helped kids like him learn better social skills.
I'm not sure how well it was working.
Do you wanna play Kerplunk?! BRICK: No, thanks.
Brick, remember, we make eye contact when we're talking to a friend.
BRICK: Sorry.
No, thanks.
Here we go.
Four perfectly good ones.
Buzz Lightyear, Powerpuff Girls, Pretty Pretty Princess and a dove.
This is a sympathy card.
Slap a heart on the "sorry for your loss" and we're good to go.
Hey, you guys got a minute? Excellent.
On V-Day, I'm taking out this chick, Kristen.
A senior.
Freakishly hot.
Wait, what happened to Kate? God, we broke up three months ago.
Read my Facebook status.
Anyway, here's the plan.
I pick her up, I say we're just going for burgers.
She's a little disappointed, then I drive past the burger place to Red Lantern.
She's like, "What?" I'm like, "Yeah.
" We get to the table, a dozen red roses.
I'm in.
"In?" What do you mean "in"? You know.
So I figure a hundred will cover it.
A hundred and twenty with gas.
What do you say? Dad? I say no.
AXL: Uh, seriously? I figured once you heard how awesome my plan was, you'd donate.
You were young once, before you got old and lame, but whatever.
Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heck.
FRANKIE: In order to understand our reaction you need to know a few weeks ago, Carly looked like this: Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heck.
Is Sue here? Notice anything different about Carly? ALL: Uh Yeah.
She got her braces off.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, now that you mention it.
Wow.
Yeah, I thought something was different.
She is so lucky, isn't she? She got a glow-in-the-dark retainer and everything.
- We're gonna go see if it works.
Ha, ha! - Ha, ha! - Whoa.
- Yeah.
A hot girl still thinks she's a geek.
Some 13-year-old boy is going to be very lucky.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING.]
I want you to know Zack has been having so much fun with Brick.
Really? - Brick? Brick Heck? - Yeah, he talks about him all the time.
The thing is, he was wondering if Brick would like to have a sleepover at our house this weekend? A sleepover? FRANKIE: Don't cry.
Do not cry.
[MOUTHS.]
Yes.
Zack? Hands-in-the-pants? Or the one that keeps smelling his fingers? That's all one kid.
No, Zack is the cat kid.
- And he's a total get.
- A cat is the get.
Oh, yeah, he's the most popular kid in the group.
Oh, my God.
They'll be best friends, and they can room together in college.
Get an apartment afterwards, he won't come back and live with us.
Oh! He's all set.
Oh, it's all working out.
Worries over.
Easy, girl.
It's a long fall from up there.
FRANKIE: So a few days later, it actually was Valentine's Day.
Whoa! - What are you doing, buddy? - Practicing for my sleepover.
Looking good.
Happy Valentine's Day.
- A squirrel ate half a bird.
- I'll chuck it in the neighbors' yard later.
Hello, everybody.
What's with the eyes? You in a play or something? I have plans with Carly tonight, remember? Besides, I wear makeup.
I wear makeup all the time.
I don't think so.
I think I would have remembered the look.
Okay, can you just? Sue, honey, I think I know what the makeup is about.
When I was your age, I had a friend just like Carly who, you know, blossomed before I did.
And made me feel a little self-conscious.
But it'll happen for you too, it will.
What? Because she got her braces off faster? You know, she only had an overbite.
I had jaw issues and a tongue thrust.
I don't know what I meant.
Well, if I haven't blossomed, why would I've gotten invited to the seventh and eighth grade boy-girl party? Huh? You were invited to a boy-girl party? Uh-huh.
By an eighth grader.
He asked Carly, she asked if she could bring a friend, the guy said yes.
MIKE: No boy-girl parties.
Mom, that is totally unfair.
We're the only people in the class that haven't been to one yet.
Then all of a sudden Carly got invited, and now this is our chance.
Please, Mom, please.
I didn't say you couldn't.
But your dad and I have to discuss it.
No boy-girl parties.
End of discussion.
Axl was going to boy-girl parties when he was 12.
Yeah, well, we were bad parents then.
We've learned from our mistakes.
I am growing up.
Why can't you trust that the values you've instilled are strong enough to keep me from making bad decisions? Mike, she's in junior high now.
She's ready.
- But I'm not.
- Oh.
[SQUEALS.]
FRANKIE: And I guess Brick was growing up too and I wasn't leaving anything to chance.
Okay, you got a book, backup book, an extra book a reading flashlight, another book, and one more book.
- Ha-ha-ha! Found him.
- Ah.
[MEOWS.]
He's so excited.
Zack, talk like a person.
So is Brick.
Brick, put down the book.
I just really hope this works.
Me too.
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY.]
Me too.
Hey, Dad.
- No money.
- Hear me out.
Turns out Kristen's friends were dateless on Valentine's don't know why because they're hot.
But she wanted to hang as a group.
Sean and Darrin were free, so the plan now is to just all go out for burgers.
Should still be cool.
I think.
Fifty to seventy-five gets you on the ground floor.
Fine, have no vision, whatever.
Ciao, losers, night's gonna be awesome.
Hey, Lady Gaga.
Love your music.
Oh, hey, Axl, I was going to pick Carly's mom is outside.
Oh, my first boy-girl party.
Ha.
How do I look? Very pretty.
Be a good girl.
- Dad.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Have fun.
- Bible fun.
God sees everything you do.
Even in the dark.
[MIKE SIGHS.]
Wait.
Do you hear that? That's the sound of no kids in the house.
Oh, my God, Mike.
We're alone on Valentine's Day.
We haven't been alone on Valentine's Day since Axl was born.
What should we do? No, no, no, wait, wait.
Don't you see? We don't have to do it fast this time.
We could go to dinner, then come back and then do that afterwards.
Yeah.
After dinner isn't always your sexiest time.
Oh, my God.
I'm dying.
Why did you let me order that mud pie and all those breadsticks? Ugh.
I'm so bloated I'm gonna explode.
[BELCHES.]
I'm just saying maybe we should do it now while we're still light on our feet.
How about we knock one off now, then have dinner then come back and do it again? - Are you really up to that? - I don't know.
But I'd sure like to try.
Well, light a candle and put on the Lionel Richie.
It's go time.
Forget the music.
We got a candle.
Get over here.
You're right.
Just wanted it to be perfect.
- Whoo, baby.
Ha, ha.
- Come on, baby.
Ha, ha.
Oh, God.
Unnatural.
Guys, hide your eyes.
Mr.
Heck.
Mrs.
Heck.
Great to see you both.
Hope you're having a fantastic Valentine's Day.
- Why are you guys here? - What happened to your dates? Ha, ha.
It's kind of hilarious, actually.
So they met these college guys, but they don't even like them.
Guys are taking them to a restaurant, then the girls are gonna call us after.
Ha, ha.
These guys are stuck paying, then we get them for the good part.
- Stupid college guys.
- Pretty sweet deal for us.
All the reward with none of the expense.
Heh.
Yeah, okay.
You kids take care.
We're going out.
Oh, hey, Mom, before you go, could you make us something to eat? Whatever's fast.
FRANKIE: Keep walking.
Just keep walking.
FRANKIE: Axl did us a favor.
This opportunity was too rare to waste at home.
We were going out for Valentine's Day to our favorite romantic restaurant.
It was dark, it was cozy, it was A Relax The Back store? Wow, guess it has been a long time.
Meow? No, thanks.
- Meow, meow? - Because I don't like football.
Do you have any board games that involve strategy or fantasy role-playing? I have a ball with a bell in it.
How about Crazy Eights? - Hard to shuffle with paws.
- You can take them off.
You're remarkably cat-like even without them.
Two for dinner.
Okay, and you're fine with a 45-minute wait? You could have at least have put our name in.
- I don't wait more than ten minutes.
- I know.
I know everything about you.
No surprises here.
Hey, relax.
See? Here's another place.
This looks Wow! That line wraps around the building too, huh? Mm-hm.
What are you doing? Don't do that.
- Are you going there? - We've been in this car for two hours.
How was I supposed to know that every restaurant would be crowded? It's Valentine's Day.
Oh, think, Mike.
Think.
This was our one chance to have some fun and celebrate our love, and you blew it.
I hope you're happy.
Oh, I am.
I definitely am.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Wow, Sue, you look so pretty with all that makeup, like a Kardashian.
Ha! I feel like one.
Let's make a pact that we won't leave each other the whole night.
Okay.
Hey, you wanna dance? Okay.
Go.
Go.
It's fine.
Heh.
I need to check my eye shadow anyway.
Table for two.
- And you're fine with a two-hour wait? - He is.
I do get to wait in this drafty doorway, right? I certainly wouldn't wanna be comfortable.
You are so not getting any when we get home.
I don't want any.
We know what we want.
I'll have Tour of Italy with salad, he'll have fettuccini.
Could we get some breadsticks, make it snappy? - Ahem.
She's not our waitress.
- I'm sorry.
I don't know how to act in a restaurant.
I haven't been in one in 16 years.
- Oh.
Ha-ha-ha! - I'll get your server.
What? [ALL CHATTERING.]
I'm sorry.
- Sorry I'm so cranky.
- It's okay.
I'm used to it.
Okay.
Let's just start the whole night over again now, okay? I mean, look at all these people looking into each other's eyes.
We haven't looked each other in the eye for forever.
Let's look into each other's eyes.
- You look tired.
- So do you.
- Have you always had that thing there? - What? You should get it checked.
- Can we stop looking now? - Yeah, let's.
New idea.
Let's each name our five favorite moments of our marriage.
But you can't use our wedding day or the birth of our kids.
- I wasn't going to.
- You - Ha, ha.
- Ah! Breadsticks! It's been three hours.
Text them again.
No, it's cool.
They're just playing hard to get.
We can play hard to get too.
We should just stop texting them.
But how are they gonna know we're hard to get if they're not trying to get us? Mm.
We text them, tell them we're done texting.
We drive over there.
Darrin puts on a hockey mask, scares those college guys away.
We beat up Darrin.
We're the big heroes, and the girls show us their appreciation.
I love it.
But how can we drive over there if we don't know where they are? Damn, you're right.
Well, someone remember that plan because that is too good not to use.
You're really good at this.
I've been practicing.
[WHISPERS.]
Practicing.
Why do you whisper like that? Probably the same reason you like to be a cat.
Meow.
My mom gave me a valentine with some chocolate.
You want some? Awesome.
Thanks.
Squeaky mouse? I'm good.
Wait, I got one.
Colts winning the Super Bowl.
The Colts winning the Super Bowl is your fourth favorite moment? Because when all the other wives got bored and went into the kitchen to have wine you stayed right by me and shared my beer.
Oh, I am cool.
Yes, you are.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[BOTH SIGH.]
Zack's mom.
Hi.
Everything okay? No, it's okay.
They'd take him for the night.
A deal's a deal.
Yeah.
I understand.
I'll be right there.
Bye.
[MIKE SIGHS.]
Well, we gave it a shot.
I'll meet you back here in 16 years.
No, no, no.
I'm so enjoying being with you here right now.
I don't want it to stop.
Ju Don't move.
I'll figure something out.
And if the guy with the breadsticks comes by, hit me.
[UPBEAT R & B MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey, Carly's friend.
We're about to play "Have You Ever?" "Would You Rather?" "Never Ever Have I Ever.
" Come on, everybody's doing it.
Wanna beer? I brought it from home.
No.
No, I don't.
- Well, then you wanna make out? - Everybody just leave me alone.
[GASPS.]
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
We try and keep chocolate out of the house because of how Zack reacts.
[ZACK HISSING AND GROWLING.]
I don't know where he got it from.
Zack, get off the curtains.
- Did you give him chocolate? - It made him purr.
[FRANKIE SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Brick is just great.
We should do this again soon.
Really? You want him to come over again? Oh, yeah.
Brick is a dream.
I think he's the most normal kid in the group.
[GASPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
See, it's like he's not even here.
Let's just start our night again one more time.
Come on.
Back to us, all right? Valentine's Day.
Let's reclaim the magic.
And you owe me one more great marriage moment.
Okay.
Give me a minute.
- Give me a minute.
- Uh Oh, I got one.
This is a good one.
The time when we [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Son of a Hi, honey.
Sue.
Everyone is making out everywhere.
And there is beer.
- Someone brought beer? - Who has beer? Oh, I don't know.
Some guy with pretty hair.
And they lit up incense.
I'm not sure if it's illegal or not, I'm pretty sure it is.
I wanna come home but everyone's gonna think I'm dork for wanting to leave.
I'll be right there.
[FRANKIE SIGHS.]
Oh, my God.
You were right.
She wasn't ready for this.
I'm sorry, did you just say I was right and you were wrong? This is my fifth favorite moment.
Don't move.
Where's my daughter? Sue Heck.
Sue Heck.
I know you're in here.
[ALL MURMURING.]
I told you I didn't want you to come here tonight.
We are leaving immediately.
And if I ever catch you sneaking out of the house again - Huh? - Ah! And it's not gonna help for you to beg me to let you stay just one more hour.
Oh, my God, you're the worst dad ever.
Can you believe this? Just as the party was getting good.
Man, this stinks.
Mr.
Heck? My dad didn't want me to come here either, did he? No, he did not.
You're coming with us.
Get in the car.
- Thank you so much, Mr.
Heck.
- Be cool, you're blowing our cover.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Dude, we've been duped.
We're losers.
Losers who've been duped.
Hey, we're not losers.
They're losers.
- Look at what they're missing out on.
- Check out these guns.
We rock.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm a football hero, for God's sake.
Read it and weep.
They'd take us back if we showed them what they're missing.
[GASPS.]
Shirts off, gentlemen.
[ALL GRUNTING.]
All right, Sean, get in closer behind Darrin.
Darrin, squeeze in.
Closer.
Keep flexing.
Squeeze and now smile.
Smile like we're digging not being with them.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
[AXL LAUGHS.]
Dude, we look like naked guys hugging.
Yeah, you can't see what our hands are doing.
And it's sent.
Oh, yeah.
We nailed them so bad.
High-five, my brothers.
I'm glad your dad got me out of there.
I bet the cops are breaking up that party.
- We were lucky to get out of there alive.
SUE: I know.
Pinkie swear we never do it again.
Unless someone cute invites us.
[GIRLS GIGGLE.]
WAITRESS: Here you go.
- Oh, Mike.
Oh.
- Happy Valentine's Day.
Mud pie.
Ladies, you two look lovely tonight.
Mr.
Heck, nice to see you again.
What are you doing? What happened to your women? Oh, we blew them off.
Too many head games.
Whatever.
Truth is, I'd rather spend Valentine's Day with the one woman who means more than anything.
Oh, my God.
Ha, ha! That was hilarious.
Did you see how she bought that for a second? Oh, sucker.
Mm.
- Boom.
Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
So do you wanna start our night over now? No.
We've tried starting over three times.
We need to face facts.
This is it.
This is the night we're having.
FRANKIE: Mike and I didn't get to spend Valentine's Day alone together after all.
But that's okay.
Because someday Axl will be off on a date.
And Sue will be kissing boys at a party.
And Brick Well, Brick will probably be living in our basement.
But the point is, someday we'll miss these Valentine's Days together.
So I figured we should treasure every lame one we had left.