Cheers s01e16 Episode Script

OK.
Closing time.
Everybody out.
Harry, how did you get in here? I came in the back door.
I don't have a back door.
Well, then, it's my secret.
I've been serving him all night.
Diane, you know I don't like this flimflam man in my bar.
Sam, that's a bit unfair, isn't it? Anyone with half a brain can see through his petty scams and tricks.
You're too kind.
Thanks.
I hope he doesn't try to pull anything on you.
Me? It is to laugh.
Diane, I like you, you're smart.
Let me help you clean up.
You gotta keep the cover on this table, because the heat from the lights will crack the felt.
Take care of it.
Harry, I'll take care of it.
You can leave.
Let me save you a couple of steps with the check.
I'll pay Sam.
Thanks.
Take care of that table.
Men can't make beds, either.
OK, Sam.
Thanks a lot.
Goodnight.
Harry, the bill.
- It's OK, I paid Diane.
- I don't trust you.
Diane, will you tell Sam it's covered? It's covered.
Sorry I'm late, but wait till you hear what I did.
This afternoon, I spent five entire hours in a sensory deprivation tank.
Your room? I'm telling you, it was incredible.
Never have I felt more aware of what's going on around me.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
The whole idea is that there's a total lack of sensory input.
What the hell's going on here? A book promotion party.
How can that be in a place where no one can read? My old roommate, Tom Kenderson, wrote his autobiography, and I'm in it.
So, it's a press conference for yet another thick-headed jock epic? There must be confetti all over the Library of Congress.
For your information, this one's different.
It's got a lot of good stuff in it.
- Like what? - Well, I haven't read it, actually.
- No, no.
- Didn't want to wear out your lips? I meant to read it last night, but an emergency came up.
- And what was her name? - Sherry.
That's not the point.
Tom's book should be really exciting due to the times we had together.
It's about how we handled the pressures of baseball.
Guys handle it differently.
Some guys turn to the bottle, some guys chase chicks.
Tom and I couldn't make up our minds.
- So you did both? - Yeah.
OK, well, let me speed-read this sucker.
And then we can talk.
- How long is that gonna take? - I'm on chapter four.
I always loved that kid Tommy.
Just a riot.
He was always pulling something.
Is that right? He put my toothbrush in his sweaty socks, left dead animals in my locker.
One time, him and some guys held me down and shaved my whole body.
You just let him do that to you? No, Cliff.
He was trying to cram me into a clothes dryer.
I pulled his socks right over his spikes.
Good one, Coach.
What a laugh the guys got.
I could see them through that little window.
They were laughing.
Mayday.
- What a to-do.
- How about this? Sam.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Carla Tortelli, Tom Kenderson.
Carla, nice to meet you.
I love you, Tom Kenderson.
Look, here's my number and a couple of quotes from past lovers.
- Thank you.
- Come here, sweetheart.
Sam, he breathed on me.
I'm a whole woman.
Coach, get her a seltzer.
- Sam, did you read my book? - No, I didn't.
I'm sorry.
I really wish you had.
Did you put in that flight to Kansas City when we jumped in the garment bag with two stewardesses? - Yeah, but - Then I'll die happy.
- Listen, let's get you famous.
- You don't understand Tommy, good to see you.
- How you doing? - Great.
Remember the time you put the analgesic balm in my jockstrap? Yeah.
I think of you when I get the itch.
- lt's good to be remembered, Coach.
- My God.
Mr Kenderson, can we begin? Yeah, let's start.
Let's do it.
Before we start, Sam Malone, come up here.
You all remember Sam, and if you don't, chapters seven through nine.
No, I'm a businessman now.
I keep my clothes on, most of the time.
So, you two were real close? For three years we did everything together.
We were never apart.
It must've been a shock when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet.
You mean in Detroit? I was with the waitress, and he came out of the closet wearing a That's not it, is it? Yikes.
Is this some kind of joke? I wanted you to read the book, Sam.
It's still hard for me to tell people from the old days.
Sam, you said you two used to do everything together? No, you misunderstood that.
No.
As a matter of fact, people used to come up to me and say, "You two are best friends, yet you're completely different.
" Sam, there's an emergency in the back room.
- What? - I found holes in the pool table.
Yeah.
Will you excuse me? Some chick wants to see me.
I can't get rid of 'em.
You guys know how it is.
So, honey, you can't go in the back room without me? Shut up.
Say it ain't so, Tom.
Say it ain't so.
Thanks for getting me out before I made an ass of myself.
I was fast but you were faster.
It wasn't my fault.
He should've told me.
Sam, he told you to read the book.
Yeah, but He should've known that you'd have been with a woman who thinks Candide is a toenail polish.
I just can't believe it.
The guy was a hound.
He had women everywhere.
We'd go into hotel lobbies, there'd be three or four women holding up kids.
He covers that.
- Where? - Here, in this paragraph.
- Want me to read it? - No, I'll read it.
- Right there? - Yes.
"From the outside, my days in baseball seemed glorious, but the greater my fear became of my true sexuality, the more I compensated with typical Don Juan promiscuity.
" - Does that explain it? - I don't know.
I've only read it once.
He was denying who he was.
He's no longer doing that.
I should've known.
I remember sitting in a piano bar and he requested a show tune.
Sam, I do understand why you're upset.
You're afraid that now, people will think you're No, I'm not upset.
It's just that guys should be guys, Diane.
That's all.
Sam, look.
Your friend Tom's out there.
He needs your support now more than ever before.
He really hasn't changed.
He's still the same guy you used to tinkle off balconies with.
Boy, the world was a lot simpler then.
Sam, I'm sorry about all this.
I thought you'd read the book and it was cool.
I don't wanna cause you any more problems, so I'm gonna take off.
Damn it.
Thanks a lot, everybody.
It was nice talking to you all again.
So long, Tommy.
Tom? You still a gin-and-tonic man? Way to go, Mayday.
I make 'em the way you like 'em.
On the house.
Coach.
- Thanks a lot, Sam.
- Can we get more shots of you guys? Yeah, sure.
You bet.
I appreciate this, Sam.
I really do.
You didn't dump me when I had a drinking problem.
I sure did.
You were passed out at the time.
Where are these photos gonna run? I don't know.
Mostly local papers.
What's the matter? Same thing will happen at Cheers that happened at Vito's Pub.
Sam looks as terrific in black and white as he does in colour.
Looking at Tom breaks my heart.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hi, Sam.
We were looking at your kisser in the morning rag here, Sam.
Yeah, I saw that.
Every time I look at this, I feel so proud of you.
I'm kinda glad I did that now.
You're taking real strides in your development as a human being.
A couple of other chicks said so, too.
This human-being image will get me more action than cheap wine.
Always the high road.
Norm? What was that you said yesterday, when they were taking pictures, about Vito's Pub? - It's nothing.
Don't worry about it.
- Talk to me, Norm.
Norm, it's best he hears it from us.
Well, go ahead, tell him the story.
- You heard of Vito's Pub? - It's a gay bar, right? Didn't used to be.
It used to be a great bar.
I hung out there myself.
What a story, Norm.
- I'm not finished.
- There's more? One night Vito lets a gay group hold a meeting in the back room.
Gays For The Metric System, or something.
Story got in the newspaper.
Gets a lot of attention.
Next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into Vito's Pub.
All the regulars left, Sammy.
Out went the oars and the moose heads, in came plants and ferns.
Ferns.
I just don't want that to happen at Cheers.
I don't believe it.
Bars don't turn gay overnight.
You don't have to believe me.
I have scientific proof.
Cliff? - It happened.
- See? Excuse me.
You're talking about them like they're ogres.
The fact is, there are gay people in this bar all the time.
No way.
I haven't seen a gay guy in here in ages.
- So you can spot a gay person? - A mile away.
And there are none in here right now? Nope.
Looks like a straight crowd to me.
Too ugly to be gay.
Too ugly to be out.
I wasn't going to say anything, but you've proved you're open-minded.
There are two homosexual gentlemen in this bar at this moment.
Come on.
Get outta here.
They told me they were gay, and they appreciated what Sam did.
That's right.
They're here right now and you don't even know who they are.
Nah, she's kidding.
Everybody here checks out alright.
Well, I don't know.
It occurs to me that Cliff hasn't had a date in quite some time.
He's right.
Yeah? How come we've never seen this Vera you're allegedly married to? Could we have a couple of beers, please? You bet.
Patty-cake alert.
- You're Sam Malone.
- Right.
- I saw your picture in the paper.
- That's good.
Can't wait to read that book.
I'm not much of a baseball fan, but it sounds interesting.
- It should be pretty good.
- Could we have light beers? Light beer.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Sam, those guys look OK to me.
They are OK, Coach.
Maybe we are a little off base, Norm.
Let's test them out.
I got an idea.
Look at the bagonzas on that babe.
This is medieval.
I never knew Lorne Greene had bagonzas.
Say, Jack, change channel.
It's time for the Benito-Venito bout.
Should be a blood match.
They're not watching.
Let's string 'em up.
What are we gonna do about these guys? Carla, you're not prejudiced against gays, are you? I'm not exactly crazy about them.
I mean, I get enough competition from women.
If guys keep coming out of the closet, there won't be anybody left to date, and I'll have to start going out with girls.
Don't worry about me.
I like my dates more masculine than you.
Not much, but a little.
I can't believe you're making such a fuss over two guys in a bar.
- Patty-cake.
- It's an orgy.
Ferns, Sammy.
We're talking ferns.
Come on.
I've seen you guys hug.
- Yeah, but we hate it.
- Right.
Cliff, I haven't been to Clancy's in ages.
ls it still a nice place? I don't know.
I haven't been there for a while.
- Let's go on over there.
- Good idea.
Clancy's? Give me a break.
You're kidding? We'll check in in a few weeks and see if Cheers is still the kind of bar where a single woman can be assured of being harassed.
Get back here, all of you, right now.
You mean to tell me you guys are baling out on me? I'm telling you, within a month there'll be wild music and guys dancing and exchanging phone numbers.
You know, Sam, you've got some really great friends here.
You've gone out of your way to make a bar where customers can feel like they belong, part of a family.
- Now they're walking out on you.
- We don't want them.
Quiet.
Perhaps we should step into the back room.
Anyone having something intelligent to say can follow me.
Fine.
Anyone with a two-bit opinion.
Alright.
I'll tell you.
Sammy, I've got a simple solution to this whole problem.
You just go up to the guys and politely ask them to leave, and everything is back to normal.
Sam would never do that.
Would you, Sam? No.
I'm not sure.
These guys are my regulars.
If I lose them, I lose my bar.
If single women stop coming in here, I have no reason to live.
No emotional appeal here, Sam.
This is a purely intellectual argument.
You let this bar go gay, you are gonna have to hire male waitresses.
Right? That means I'm out on the street, and I'm not gonna be able to feed little Sammy Tortelli.
He kicked.
What? What's that he's trying to say there? I'm hungry.
I'm hungry.
Please don't let Sammy do this to us.
Thanks for keeping emotions out of it.
I think it's a trick, Sam.
- Sit down.
- We're all agreed, then.
Sammy tells these guys to leave, we don't go to Clancy's.
- Alright.
- Sam.
Just leave me alone.
I'm running a business here.
What do you think I should say to them? It's very simple.
You just say, "Hello, we're a group of snivelling bigots and we don't care for your kind.
" That's good.
I like that.
Hi, fellas.
Hi, Sam.
What's going on? I've got a problem.
Maybe you can help me out.
See, I'm the own of this bar.
Yeah, we know.
We read the article in the newspaper.
Right.
- That took a lot of guts.
- It really did.
Yeah.
So what's your problem? As a matter of fact, I don't have a problem.
Coach, get these guys a beer on the house.
Right, Sam.
Chickening out on us? Yeah, Sammy, I thought you had more character.
Those guys are staying.
Anyone else wants to leave, fine.
You know what kind of bar this could be? Not the kind that I have to throw people out of.
That was the noblest preposition you ever dangled.
Thank you.
- Now, let me say this.
- No.
Fine.
Alright, gentlemen.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What are you gonna do? Coach, last call.
What are you talking about? It's quarter to seven.
No time.
The glasses have to be off the tables by seven.
Excuse me.
This bar closes at seven? Only on the first Thursday of every month.
Vive la Différence evening.
We go home to our wives, girlfriends, work benches, power tools This is the weirdest bar I've ever been in.
Coach, what the hell are you doing? This is Vive la Différence night.
- Where the hell did the month go? - What? Your regulars just tricked those guys out.
How? Let's have a round here, Sammy.
- What's going on here? - We got rid of your friends.
It was Norm's idea.
The man's a genius.
Way to go.
Norman, there's something you should know about those guys.
They're not gay.
In fact, one of them tried to hit on me.
What? You said they were.
I said there were two gay men here.
I didn't say who they were.
They, along with myself, have had a wonderful time watching you make complete idiots of yourselves.
Yeah, the guys I was talking about are still here.
- Right, guys? - Right.
Better than Vera.