Desperate Housewives s01e16 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Hey, Maisy.
Are you having an affair with my husband? Mistresses were confronted.
Very good to be back.
- What's that? I'm on house arrest.
It's a condition of my bail.
How will you work? - I can't.
I can't do anything.
The tables were turned, Lord, that's Angela.
and secrets from the past I'm afraid you're mistaken.
My wife's name was Mary Alice.
caught up with everyone.
I'm such an idiot! And you're such a liar! Oh, and apparently a killer! Throughout even the most respectable of neigbourhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal.
Some scandals announce themselves with a shout, Ida! Ida Greenberg, that is not your paper! some with a whisper Throw me a 20, and I'll hook you up with free porn.
and some with a bang.
Get the hell out of my life! And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid its roar drowns out all other noise.
Does your husband know how many men pay for the privilege of sleeping in this bed? There's not a lot of sleeping going on.
Not if I'm doing my job right.
So, how do you want to get started? With these.
Well! That's gonna cost you extra.
Maisy Gibbons, you're under arrest for solicitation.
What? Please don't place your hands on the bed.
I'm sorry, I have to ask you to leave.
Now.
Hey! Get off me! This is entrapment! - Right.
You all are making a gigantic mistake.
Yeah.
Hey fellows, there's one for your memoirs.
Hey! Come on, lady! - No! Don't you touch me! Get your hands off me! - Take it easy, Ms Gibbons.
Yes, the scandalous arrest of Maisy Gibbons would soon prove to be the shot heard round the world.
-- Episode 16 -- THE LADIES WHO LUNCH Take it easy now.
- Don't you put me in here! It is often said that good news travels fast.
But as every housewife knows, bad news moves quite a bit faster.
Tish? Hey.
You are not going to believe this.
Maisy Gibbons was arrested.
- You cannot be serious.
Did you hear about Maisy? Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs? I'd have killed to see that! Stay put, I'll be right back.
Ladies, please calm down now.
This is just a precaution.
If you'll just take a flier, we can work together -- Hey guys.
What's going on? Oh, there's been an outbreak of head lice.
Head lice? These fliers detail all important information concerning the situation, including the recommended delousing combs.
Delousing? Did they have to make it sound so disgusting? Does anybody know where it started? I'm sorry, that's confidential.
Barcliffe maintains a strict "no blame" policy.
Guys, over here! Parents have a right to know who brought this into our school! Please calm down, Ma'am.
Our position is there's nothing to be gained by pointing fingers.
To identify the child who initiated the outbreak might result in him/her being subjected to ridicule.
I -- excuse me.
If you'll just take a flier -- Stop scratching! Stop! Let's go! Hey! Stop scratching! See you later.
- Bye! What the hell -- Gabrielle! - What? Gabrielle! I think we got a problem here.
I can't hear you.
- I think we got a problem.
The water's backing up here.
- What? Is that sewage? Yeah, that's sewage.
Mike, the suspense is killing us.
Why don't you tell us the bad news.
Your outtake pipe is completely corroded.
That's why it collapsed.
We'll have to tear it out, re-pipe the whole system.
And how much will this cost? I'll do it at cost, but you're still looking at 6-7 grand minimum.
OK -- Well, we'll let you know.
If money is an issue -- Oh, no, no.
It's not the money.
It's just -- We were trying to prioritize some little things we need to do around the house.
And do you consider sewage backing up in the house a priority? It's definitely on the shortlist.
Right.
I was surprised you called me.
- Why? Well, ever since my arrest nobody here wants to have to do with me.
Innocent until proven guilty, my man.
I hope he's more innocent than you.
Hey, it's Lynette.
I know you're down about Mike, but you gotta come to poker.
It'll be worth it.
I got dirt on Maisy Gibbons.
Hey Susan, it's me.
I really wish you'd return my calls.
We need to talk.
I know I messed things up -- You OK? Hi.
I can stay home if you want.
No.
I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend with your dad.
I'm fine.
You don't look fine.
Well -- a little sad.
Mike and I were just a fling.
And not even a full fling.
Sort of a borderline fling.
Mom, anyone can see how much you loved him.
I also loved junk food, and I gave that up and survived.
There's your father.
Go have fun.
Last chance.
You sure? - I'm sure.
Now go! You'll find someone else, Mom.
Someone great.
I know.
What's wrong, Rex? Didn't you enjoy your golf game with Dr Wallace? I didn't play.
Still feeling sluggish.
Still? Did you talk to him about that? Of course.
He doesn't understand why the medication isn't working.
He asked me to come for a checkup tomorrow.
Tish is making her round.
She must have some juicy new anecdote.
Get here over here.
I could use a funny story today.
Tish! Tish! I can tell by that look on your face you've got something good.
Come on, don't be selfish! First off -- you're not friends with Maisy Gibbons, are you? No.
Thank god, because this is too good: Maisy was arrested.
While Harold was at work, she was having sex with men in her house for money.
Can you imagine? No, I can't.
That's not even the best part.
Word is, she had a little black book with all her clients' names.
So -- you think that'll get out? Of course.
These things always do.
Nancy, wait up.
I can't wait till I tell you this -- You heard your funny story, Rex.
Why aren't you laughing? I'll get it.
Hello? Hi Tammy.
- Can we see one of the bugs? Yeah, here.
See? It's this little white thing.
It looks like a sesame seed.
It's cool.
There's lots more where that came from.
I'm so sorry.
You must be so disappointed.
But we'll get all the boys together once Topher is back on his feet.
What did Tammy want? She's cancelling Topher's birthday party on Sunday.
He's come down with the measles.
Measles, huh? - Yeah.
What? Tammy Brandon spent a fortune on Topher's birthday.
She'd call in specialists from Switzerland before she'd let it be cancelled.
Why would Tammy lie to us? Because she saw Porter scratching his head.
They all did.
Now word's getting around.
Why is everything a conspiracy theory with you? Lots of kids get lice.
Not a big deal.
Well, it is for the rich B-I-T-C-H-es at Barcliffe Academy.
It's been one day, and they were disinvited to a birthday party.
Rumours start flying, these boys can kiss camp-outs and pool parties goodbye.
Uh-oh.
- Not so cool now, huh? It's all here.
Appraisal, title search, escrow documents.
I'm sorry I changed my mind, but this isn't a good time to sell the house.
Zack's going through a lot.
He wants to finish high school before we're moving.
Forget this part of the business.
I expect to get screwed over.
Now where is your house key? I must have left it at home.
I'll bring it by tonight.
No one will be here.
Zack's on a school trip, and I'm going to Mt Pleasant on business today.
Just drop it by tomorrow.
Or, I could just keep it.
What? It's a joke, Paul.
I know your wife's dead and all, but -- it's been six months! Lighten up! Hello.
- Felicia.
Oh, hi, Felicia.
Edie, I found this in my sister's things.
It has your name on it.
Aw, my necklace! I've lent this to Martha 3 months ago.
She said it went down the drain! I miss how we used to steal things from one another.
So Felicia, I heard they have a suspect in your sister's murder? Mike Delfino? Oh, he didn't kill her.
But they found her jewelry in his garage.
But his fingerprints were not on the evidence.
That just means he wore gloves.
So he's smart enough to use gloves, but he leaves her blood-spattered jewelry lying around for anyone to find? Please! Is that what you do if you kill someone? I don't know what goes through the mind of a murderer.
I'm just saying I wouldn't trust him if I were you.
Evie.
That is lovely.
Is it an antique? Yeah, I think so.
I know a story you would love.
It specializes in antique jewelry.
It's in Salt Lake City.
Have you ever been there? No, I try to steer clear of Utah.
It's a little too -- conservative for me.
Too bad.
Have you ever been, Paul? No.
It's lovely.
I used to live there.
When I was a nurse.
You should definitely go sometime.
Bye.
With no indoor plumbing, Gabrielle was forced to improvise with her personal hygiene, whereever and whenever she had the opportunity.
Sorry.
That's OK.
I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update.
Guys, we should be ashamed for reveling in that woman's misery.
That being said, Edie, please continue.
Well.
I hear from a very reliable source that Maisy will cut a deal with the prosecution.
Apparently, she has some high-profile johns and the DA is looking for a second term.
I don't get it.
I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.
Obviously someone who is not getting it at home.
The upshot is: Maisy will turn over her little black book with all her clients' names.
Really? Yep.
Can you imagine the fallout when this goes public? Blood on the walls.
I'm all in.
- I'll call.
Bree? - What just happened? Stakes were raised.
- Yes, yes, they were I've called.
I can't believe how lucky you were today.
- Luck had nothing to do with it.
I had crappy cards, I was bluffing the entire time.
- Really? Wow, you're good.
That's the only nice thing I could say about my first husband: he told me how to bluff.
He played poker? - No, he was lousy in bed.
I had to fake a lot of orgasms.
You don't have to respond.
- Thank you.
So where was Susan today? - I'm not sure.
Wow, Tom must be great in bed.
- Huh? Obviously you have no idea how to bluff.
- OK.
She's going through something she prefers to keep private.
She's upset with Mike, isn't she? Come on, I'll find out sooner or later! She's devastated about the breakup and hasn't left the house in days.
- Why didn't you just tell me that? Because it's personal; it's something she would only want me to tell her friends.
I'm Susan's friend.
What? I don't hate her.
Edie, if you want me to share stuff with you, start to be more supportive with Susan.
OK.
How? - What do friends do? They call; they're sympathetic; they ask about the pain the other one is going through; and then -- they listen.
But what if you want to be supportive but just can't stand listening to people bitch? Then it's good to know how to bluff.
Congratulations! - Thank you! Thank you! It's very exciting.
I really think you deserve this award.
God, I have to go to the bathroom again.
- Go to Bree's.
Been to Bree's twice today.
- Then go to Susan's.
I hate Susan's.
She has all these weird scented candles.
Her house reeks of apricot.
Hose! What about Lynette's? - I don't want to go to anybody's house anymore.
I'm tired of knocking on doors, making up excuses why we haven't fixed our plumbing.
Why are you yelling at me? - Because it's your fault.
My fault? - If you hadn't gotten yourself indicted, we would have pipes.
I got indicted trying to make enough money to keep you happy.
In case you hadn't noticed, you're a little materialistic.
I'm materialistic? When the Johnsons bought their new 7 series, you traded in your car for something better.
- Who ended up driving it? I don't have time to fight.
I have laundry to do.
Nurse Abigail? - Mrs Scavo, right? The twins' mother? I just wanted to tell you that the boys are now uh -- lice-free.
- Good to hear.
I just can't figure out how it happened.
They get a bath every night.
Trust me.
It's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day.
- I believe you.
I keep thinking maybe it was the petting zoo I took them to last week.
That llama was really iffy.
- Mrs Scavo, it doesn't work that way.
Lice only spread from human to human.
Even the cleanest kid can get it if he gets too close to the wrong kid.
- Really? Yes.
So don't be so hard on yourself, uh? - I guess.
Still I feel a little guilty.
After all, my kids started an entire lice outbreak.
Look, your kids didn't start it.
- They didn't? No! I know that Patient Zero was another little boy.
It's his 4th time with this problem.
Oh! There's a load off my mind.
Well, thank you.
So which kid is it? - I can't tell you.
You know we have a "no blame" policy.
We have to protect the children.
You'll understand.
- Of course.
No, I don't.
You have to give me a name.
- Mrs Scavo Here's the thing: acting like parents won't assign blame is like pretending they don't keep score at PW League games.
It's human nature.
If you don't give the mob someone to blame, they pick a scapegoat.
I can't let my boys be the scapegoats.
- Please don't put me in this position.
I'm begging you.
We've already been uninvited from a birthday party, a really big one with a bouncy house and a hot dog stand and a clown I wish I could help you.
For god's sake, and a magician! Tammy Brandon went all out.
Tammy Brandon? Topher's mother? - Yes.
Now isn't that interesting? Have a seat.
Meanwhile at the Fairview County prison, Maisy Gibbons was delighted to hear she had a visitor.
But she was soon reminden one should always be aware of visitors bearing gift baskets.
You gotta be kidding me.
Hello Maisy.
Stuff like this is why I love you.
What brings you here? I need a favor.
- I thought as much.
I heard there is a little black book with the name of your clients in it.
There is.
I was wondering if perhaps you could remove Rex's name.
Wow, that's a big favor.
Those muffins better be really good.
I have some money I have been putting aside for emergencies.
It can be yours if you just Keep my mouth shut? Continue to be discreet.
Gosh.
I don't know.
I don't think it's asking much.
Just remove one little name.
But if I do it for you, I have to do it for all the other wives.
That wouldn't be fair, now would it? Maisy! Please! We used to be good friends! Where were you when Harold lost his job a year ago? Did you stop by to offer your help? Did you bring a big basket of baked goods when we couldn't even pay our bills? If you did, those displays of friendship must have slipped my mind.
Maisy, I didn't mention your financial troubles because I thought it would embarass you.
- Yes, but it would have been much better than silence.
I have $14,000 in that account.
It can all be yours.
I'm not interested.
But you do get credit for one thing: you came to visit me.
Even if it was for an ulteriour motive.
None of the girls in the club even bothered.
I've been abandoned.
I guess that happens when you become the town whore.
Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore; but because you weren't all that nice to begin with.
Who is it? - It's Edie! - Edie, not now, I'm busy.
Hi! - Or just come on in.
What are you doing? - I decided my life is way too complicated, so I'm simplifying.
I'm getting rid of the clutter.
- Ooo.
I was on vacation.
It made sense at the time.
OK, not to be rude, but is there a reason you're here? I feel bad about what you're going through with Mike.
Don't worry, I won't date him.
- Doesn't matter any more.
Don't get me wrong: I still have every intention of sleeping with him.
Some mountains are meant to be climbed.
I need to learn to keep my doors locked.
How long have you been sitting here? - I don't know, 5 minutes, give or take 3 hours That's it.
Get up.
Get dressed.
- Why? Because you're coming with me.
It's time to get wasted.
Happy hour started 45 minutes ago.
Why would I go anywhere with you? Because that's what normal women do when they get depressed.
They put on short skirts, they go to bars with their girlfriends, maybe have one too many, and make out with some strange man in the back of a dark alley.
Wow.
- Oh come on.
It'll be fun! I swear.
Come on! Why do you even care? - I never said I cared.
It's just -- I guess I know what it's like to have your heart stomped on.
OK.
Give me a minute to change my clothes.
And don't forget to do something with that skanky hair.
You're a little scary with them.
Aah, look at him.
- Not my type.
I know the pickings are slim, but isn't there someone you're attracted to? I hate them all.
Look at them leering at us.
So damn cocky, like they know they have the upper hand.
What? We have the upper hand.
Without us they have nothing.
Maybe 15 years ago, not anymore.
Now we're just lonely and desperate, and they know it.
They just sit there ??weigh their pumps??.
Waiting for us to take any crumb they're willing to throw our way.
I don't want crumbs, I want Mike! Hi! I'm gonna spending the whole night with her, so I'll be needing a lot more of these.
I'm sorry.
It's just so hard to find a guy like Mike.
I know in my heart he didn't kill Mrs Hoover.
OK, let's say Mike's a peach and he didn't kill Martha.
Who did? - Obviously a bad guy, somebody really awful.
Somebody like -- Paul Young.
- Paul? -- Are you serious? I'm telling you, he's hiding something.
He clams up everytime we try to ask about Mary Alice.
And when we found out about Dina - Dina.
Who's Dina? Paul and Mary Alice had a baby that died! You're kidding.
- Zach killed her.
Holy crap, who told you that? - Paul! He said it was an accident, but I think that's why Mary Alice was being blackmailed.
Mary Alice was being blackmailed? Yeah.
The girls and I found a threatening note in her stuff.
What the hell kind of street do we live on? - I don't know.
Come to think of it: the other day Paul was talking with Felicia, and he was working overtime to make Mike sound guilty.
See? Shifting blame onto someone else, that's classic criminal behavior! I tell you, he's up to no good.
Zach and Paul are out of town.
Maybe we could sneak into their house and do some snooping.
I have the key.
- Oh my god! Yes, we should do that! I was just kidding.
- No, Edie, this is our chance.
We should just go in for 10 minutes.
- That's breaking and entering.
Martha Huber was your best friend.
If we could find out who really killed her wouldn't that be worth the risk? Have a nice evening.
- Thank you.
Serena, hi! How are you? I talked to Dr Wallace today.
- Oh? He still has no idea why the medication isn't working.
He told me he's thinking of running more tests.
I told him I'm thinking about getting a 2nd opinion.
Rex! This might sound silly, but are people staring at us? Yeah.
What's going on? - I could be wrong, but I suspect that Maisy Gibbons' client list has been released.
you think they're laughing at us? - No, I think they're laughing at you.
I think they feel sorry for me, which is just as mortifying.
What are we going to do? Oh -- we act like nothing is happening, and when we finish eating, we will walk out of here with all the dignity we can muster.
Please, let's go now.
- Oh no.
I refuse to give them that satisfaction.
Open your menu! Everybody's staring! Bree, it's humiliating! You should have thought about that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbon's nightstand.
You stay here if you want to, I'm leaving.
Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.
Bree - I will scream about your cruelty, then I will scream about your infidelity, and to make sure it really hurts I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits.
If you want to know what true humiliation is, take just one step.
So, what are you having? The veal looks good.
What are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"? You know, just something suspicious.
Mmmh, smells expensive.
Do you believe in evil, Edie? - Of course I do.
I work in real estate.
I'm serious.
There's something about this house that is so cold and creepy.
You couldn't tell when Mary Alice was alive.
She brought so much warmth and light.
Now there's something I could just taste it.
Can't you sense it? The only thing I sense is that you had too much to drink.
Something happened in this house.
Something so awful we can't even imagine it.
Oh! Son of a bitch! Are you OK? I just stubbed my toe.
Oh my god, Angela! - Huh? Angela! That's what Mary Alice used to call herself! What are you talking about? We heard it on this tape that Bree stole from her therapist.
It's a long story, I'll tell you later.
We gotta put this in.
What was that? - I think it's Paul.
You said he was gone.
- I guess I was wrong.
Hurry! - I gotta get the tape! - Hide! - Paul! Edie! God, you scared me! I'm sorry.
I see you made it back from Mt Pleasant.
Yes.
What are you doing here? I came by to bring you your key.
I was about to leave you a note.
You're returning my key at 11.
30 at night? What the hell's going on here? You're right.
We're too old to be playing games.
What? My note was going to tell you that I -- I wasn't kidding this afternoon.
I really would like to keep a key to your place, to use if the -- mood strikes me.
You've been drinking.
- Just enough to get up the courage to tell you how I feel about you.
Obviously you're uncomfortable about this.
I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you.
Here's your key.
I'll see you around.
Edie, I -- I'm not embarrassed.
If anything -- I'm flattered.
Susan? Talk to me! - Mike, it's not a good time, I'm a little drunk and a little freaked out.
Why didn't you return my messages? We're broken up! I thought I made that pretty clear.
Come on, can we work this out? You lied to me! - When? When did I lie to you? The police showed me your rap sheet.
You killed a man.
You can't believe I'm some cold-blooded killer.
Of course not, but I also didn't believe Carl would cheat on me, or that Mary Alice would kill herself.
Let's face it, Mike, blind faith is not my friend.
I was going to tell you, there just wasn't a right moment.
See, that's a lie too! There were plenty of right moments.
Everytime we went out for pizza, you could have said "Oh, by the way, I once killed a man.
" Or when you said, "Hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "By the way, I once killed a man.
" Everytime we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "By the way, I did that once.
" You didn't! Do you want to hear what happened or not? It doesn't matter because I will never believe anything you say ever again.
At least you can believe that.
Occupied! Carlos, I have to go! - Well, you're gonna have to wait.
Why should I have to wait? It's my porta-potty.
What do you mean it's yours? - I'm the one who stole it! Babe, I'm sorry.
You're just gonna have to wait.
Thank you very much, Bree.
Seeing your tile has helped me make my decision.
Next time I remodel I'm using limestone.
Gabrielle, is everything OK? - Sure, why? It's just that you've been acting kind of odd lately.
- In what way? You're coming up with excuses to use everyone's bathroom, and 2 days ago Mr Kalli saw you and Carlos in your backyard, doing the laundry in your jacuzzi.
Well, there's a simple explanation for that.
I -- Are you two having some sort of money trouble? Gabby, it's OK if you are.
- Is that so? - Yes, and to tell you the truth, I'm a little insulted.
I'm a good friend.
Why would you feel that you have to hide that from me? I don't know, probably for the same reason you didn't tell me Rex was one of Maisy's clients.
That is obviously different.
Why? Because it happened to you? Bree, this is how I see it: Good friends support each other after they've been humiliated.
Great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place.
Well, then -- good luck on your remodel.
- And please tell Rex I said hello.
Hey Tammy.
Lynnette! I see Topher has made a speedy recovery! Can we go playing? - Sure, boys, have fun.
Wow, let's go play in the buzz house! All right, you caught me.
I lied.
But you have some nerve crushing a 6 year old's birthday party.
Just so you know, I got Topher a set of bongo drums.
I know you'll love them as much as he will.
Charlie, come on out! I don't want you to play with the Scavo boys.
Mona, please, I'm sure they're clean.
You are not ruining my party.
Porter, Prustin, out out, let's go.
- No, not quite yet.
Boys, keep bouncing.
That's right.
Oh, by the way, I spoke to nurse Abigail.
I know who Patient Zero is.
- All right, that's it kids, get out.
Go! How could you do that? Look, this party meant everything to Topher.
I couldn't risk people not showing up.
He would be devastated.
I had to do something.
- And the best you could come up with was letting my kids take the fault? Hey, I hardly had to say anything.
People were already suspicious.
Oh please.
- It's true.
Your boys aren't the cleanest kids on the planet.
That was not a smart thing to say.
Where are you going? - I'm telling the truth to every mother out there, then I'll take back the bongos.
Wait! OK, I was wrong, I admit it.
I am really really sorry.
Too little too late.
OK, I'll tell everyone that I was wrong.
That your kids aren't the ones.
Please, I'm begging you! Well, why are you standing there? Get to it.
Bree, hi! What's up? Well, I have been doing some thinking.
Rex and I have been members of the Fairview country club for years, and lately it seems to have lost some exclusivity, so I decided not to renew our membership.
I'd rather see the money go to someone I care about.
Oh Bree, I can't take that.
Gabby, this is the way I see it: Good friends offer to help in a crisis.
Great friends don't take no for an answer.
We'll pay you back every cent, I promise.
Take your time.
Yes, everyone loves a scandal, no matter how big or small.
After all, what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty? What could be more amusing than the public exposure of hypocritical sinners? Yes, everyone loves a scandal, and if for some reason you're not enjoying the latest one, well -- the next one is always around the corner.