Frasier s01e16 Episode Script

(Man on phone) 'I've tried diet after diet 'from milk shakes three times a day to that lady on TV.
Nothing works.
' Hank, listen.
You've got to look inside yourself.
Part of you isn't being fed.
'Lt certainly isn't my butt.
' I'm talking about your inner self.
What isn't being fed there? Love? Career? Simple self-esteem? These are deep issues.
- 'So what do I do? ' - I'd suggest therapy.
Stay on the line and my producer will help you.
Roz, who's next? We have someone who disagrees with your advice to Hank.
Oh, really? Hello, you're on the line.
(Lilith) 'Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again.
' 'You've led another unsuspecting innocent 'down one of your dark, Freudian hallways.
' Lilith? 'Overeating is a behavioural problem caused by negative reinforcement.
'Lt can be cured by behaviour modification.
' Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line.
This is my ex-wife Lilith.
'What do you mean by celebrity? ' Oh, they know you.
Roz, what does "call screening" mean? I put on the air the calls I wanna hear.
Lilith, what brings you to Seattle? The constant rain? 'I'm here for a convention and I heard you on the radio.
'I hoped you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, 'but you were doling out worthless advice pellets 'from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
' I guess you'll be rushing off to your convention.
We'll catch up on your next trip.
'I'm not doing anything for dinner tonight.
' Then you'll want to keep tuned to 780 for Gil Chesterton's restaurant beat.
Why don't you ask her to dinner, Dr Crane? What a wonderful idea.
Let me tell you why, Seattle.
Although our marriage was unsuccessful, Lilith and I are capable of behaving as adults and even enjoying spending some time together from time to time.
- So, 7.
00 at my place? - 'Sounds great.
' In my day, when people broke up you hated each other.
What happened to the sanctity of divorce? - Dad, you never liked Lilith.
- She's weird.
- She is not weird.
- Oh, she's weird.
Well, maybe she's a little strange.
No.
Maris is a little strange.
Lilith is weird.
Gee, Dad.
I had no idea you preferred my wife to Frasier's.
Oh, my head! - Can I get you an aspirin, Daphne? - No, those are useless.
This is one of my psychic headaches.
There's some kind of negative force.
I get these when there's a clawing at the cosmic continuum.
Perhaps if someone rubbed your temples Niles! I'm sure she wants privacy while she contacts the mother ship.
Frasier, I'm here for support but I will not speak to Lilith.
This feud between you and Lilith is ridiculous.
Let it go.
- I can't recall what the fight was about.
- Let me refresh you.
At our wedding while Maris was reciting her vows - vows of love - I heard snickering.
I saw Lilith, fingers pressed against her lips, body shaking like a paint mixer.
(Doorbell) Now there she is.
It's just one evening.
Will you at least try to be civil? All right, but I refuse to be warm.
- Hello, Lilith.
- Frasier Please come in.
- Let me take these things for you.
- Thank you.
- Look who's here.
- Hello, Martin.
Hello, Niles.
(Both) Hello.
- Where's Maris? - Visiting her sister in Chicago.
I thought perhaps she was sailing up the transplendent river of your love.
Frasier, I like your apartment.
You have some beautiful things.
The settlement is final, Lilith.
Go away.
Why does he listen to you and not me? The tone of my voice means business.
Your voice is more commanding than mine? Hell, I took a half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog.
Oh, my Lord.
I've never had a throbbing like this.
Daphne, this is my ex-wife, Dr Lilith Sternin.
Lilith, this is Daphne Moon, Dad's physical therapist.
- Nice to meet you.
- An equal pleasure.
When I shook hands I lost all feeling in me arm.
Frasier, I'm going to use the phone.
Maris has a cold.
I want to be sure she's taking liquids.
Isn't it enough that she's eternally sipping of your perpetual adoration? Martin, I'm especially delighted to see you here tonight.
Oh, yeah? Knowing the history of your relationship with Frasier, when I'd heard he'd taken you in I flipped to the weather channel to see if hell had frozen over.
Frasier, how did you ever let this little peach get away? Dinner is nearly ready.
Let's move to the table.
Lilith, how is Frederick? I've enrolled him in a chess camp.
It's really quite stimulating.
For eight hours a day he sits with 300 other children mastering the Alhausen-Grob opening.
Shouldn't he be out in the fresh air? Every day they go for a nature walk.
Unfortunately, Frederick is allergic to seven varieties of ivy so he wears long sleeves and long pants, a bonnet with a net on it.
I hope the others don't make fun of him.
I'm sure they don't.
You know how kind kids can be (!) All he needs is a birthmark on his face and they'd beat him to death.
I chased him down an alley, then he pulled a knife so I gave him a few shots from my night stick.
Fascinating.
Were you at all aware of any repressed sexual urges while you were pummelling him so mercilessly? Yeah, but I didn't put them in the report.
You're having fun at my expense.
Not much.
- In fact, I'm going to bed.
Good night.
- Good night, Dad.
If you don't need me I'll be shuffling off, too.
Good night.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
How long are you staying in Seattle? Just the weekend.
Enjoy your stay.
I'll be dead by Saturday night.
I'll say my goodbyes as well.
Good night, Frasier.
This is ridiculous! Lilith, listen, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris' wedding vows.
I responded with a spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the time.
But if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
Oh, Lilith, thank you! Thank you! This bad blood between us has gone on too long.
Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner - just you and me.
He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.
Well It's just the two of us.
For the first time since the lawyers put us in that room and said, "Don't come out until there's some resolution.
" Yes, well This was nice.
Yes, it was, wasn't it? You have a beautiful view.
It's a beautiful city.
I hope you enjoy your convention.
For God's sake, Frasier, there is no convention! - I'm here because of the letter.
- What letter? You know very well what letter.
The one you left last month when you visited Frederick, proposing we get back together.
Surely you didn't forget.
"My darling, how could a love like ours fall so far from grace? "Part of your heart must still resound to the rhythm of my own.
"I'll be lost without you.
"As long as we have love, love will keep us together.
" Aside from the shameless pilfering from the Captain and Tennille, I was moved by your entreaty.
I felt the same, yet I needed to pretend to come for a convention because I was still unable to commit myself.
But seeing you now, I realize how much I've missed you Lilith, I did write that letter and I did leave it in the apartment but Yes? It wasn't last month.
It was nearly a year ago.
It was before I moved to Seattle.
You just found it now? It had fallen behind the dresser.
The cleaning service is doing its usual bang-up job (!) - Don't I feel like the perfect fool? - Listen, Lilith I am humiliated, emotionally drained and I've used up all my frequent-flyer miles.
Lilith, please - There's nothing else to say.
I'd like to leave with at least a shred of dignity.
(Doorbell) Thank you.
I wrote this letter just before I came to Seattle hoping for a reconciliation.
She only just found it.
Didn't Captain and Tennille sing this? Like they own those five words! I got over her, I moved out here, she comes back and I wonder if I made the right decision.
I did write that letter.
You have come to some sort of crossroads.
That's a tidy little way of saying I'm in hell.
Niles, my life suits me, yet I wonder if there is a chance for reconciliation, if it's worth exploring the feelings that I'm feeling.
Should I see her tonight? Like most patients you know the answer to your question.
You want me to support you whether I share your opinion or not.
- I don't have an opinion.
- You do.
- But I don't.
- Then I can't help you.
All right.
All right.
In my soul, I'm leaning toward taking the next step and seeing if there's anything there.
- That is what you should do.
- Why? - You know why.
- Damn it, Niles! Frasier, you know why.
All right.
We have a long history together.
We have a son we both adore.
There were some good times, and when they were good, whoo-wa! Our minds are pretty well made up.
Thank you, Niles.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
- Yes, you do.
- Drop it! (Knock at door) - Hello, Lilith.
- Frasier, come in.
I must be early.
You haven't put up your hair.
- I thought I'd leave it down.
- Really? After several hours of deliberation and weighing the consequences, I decided to be playful.
I'm glad you invited me to dinner.
How could I not? I felt so awful about last night.
I thought you'd read the letter long ago and ignored it.
No explanation necessary.
It was a simple misunderstanding.
Well, I know a great little French bistro Frasier, before we go anywhere, I'd like to go on record as saying that, regardless of everything, I respect you for getting on with your life so successfully.
I feel the same way about you.
Frederick is flourishing and that's in no small part due to you.
Thank you.
That means a great deal to me.
That's the first pleasant thing we've said to each other in almost a year.
- You're right.
- You know, I'm suddenly quite moved.
I am, too.
Would it be a dreadful contretemps if I kissed you right now? You can always try.
You wanna bag dinner? There's a bed and an honour bar.
What more do we need? - Come to me, my white-hot flame.
- I was insane to divorce you.
You're in my thoughts every waking hour.
- You're the only man I've ever loved.
- So are you.
Good morning.
Jolly good morning to you, too.
I could stay like this all morning.
Me too.
- I'm so glad I flew here to be with you.
- Yes, me too.
(Knock at door) I'll get that.
It must be the breakfast we ordered last night.
I am famished.
You should be.
You were a busy boy.
- Good morning, sir.
- Just bring it in.
Here's something for you too.
Thank you.
Good day.
Funny how life takes its little turns, isn't it? Yesterday when I woke up I never imagined I'd wake up here today.
Indeed.
We weren't overly impulsive, we weren't wrong.
It's just - This is a mistake.
- Thank God you said that! Last night was enjoyable but who are we kidding? We've gotten on with our lives.
I've got a new set of friends.
For the first time in years I'm happy.
Getting back together is the stupidest thing we could do.
I meant the eggs.
I ordered poached, not fried.
Well, you didn't let me finish.
You see, um After I play devil's advocate, I Oh, Frasier.
Don't insult me.
That's how you really feel, isn't it? I'm afraid so.
Oh, Lilith, are you crying? God, I'm sorry.
Once again, I've led you down an emotional primrose path.
Lilith I never meant to hurt you.
I don't blame you if you're mad at me.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at me.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I've been so lonely, and your letter was like a life preserver.
I'm raising a child alone.
I'm scared.
I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but the truth is, I'm afraid.
That's why I convinced myself I was still in love with you.
You mean you're not? No.
I'm not.
Good.
So what happened was because you were lonely and I was We all know what you were, Frasier.
(Sobs) Oh, Lilith.
Lilith, here.
Here.
Come with me.
Look in there.
Tell me what you see.
I'll tell you what I see the same strong-willed, dynamic, intelligent woman I married seven years ago.
You're suffering a temporary lapse.
Divorce does that to you.
I won't say anything as trite as someday you'll find someone, but I know this.
I know you.
I know that no matter what the future holds, you'll handle it.
Thank you, Frasier.
- You hungry? - Yeah.
OK.
You always knew how to buck me up when I was blue.
You've helped me through some hard times yourself.
Those married years weren't all bad.
We did have some good moments.
The best one was Frederick.
We'll always have that.
And you know, even though we're not in love any more, you were always the most exciting lover I ever had.
In your heart of hearts you'd say the same about me.
They screwed up the toast, too.
I ordered rye.
Lilith.
# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Oh, my! # And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salad and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Good night!