Roseanne s01e16 Episode Script

hey! give those back, you little booger! - i'm not a booger.
- give 'em back, i said! no! give 'em back, you little thief! give 'em back, i said! hey, you two, what about a cease fire? d.
j.
took my sunglasses.
- they're my sunglasses.
- you liar, they're mine! - they're mine! - they're mine! they're mine.
i'm gonna be, like, the most awesome kid at the mall.
well, aside from you, my gorgeous and eternally hip young daughter.
thanks, my loving mother who's still living in woodstock.
come on, everybody.
let's get a move on.
come on, come on.
becky, come on! we're leaving in five minutes, eye shadow or no eye shadow! bECKY: we can't go until i find my magazine! i need the picture of that dress.
don't you have it engraved in your memory? dan?! - are you dead? - dAN: yes! that's too bad, honey, 'cause you still gotta buy shoes.
now, where are we meeting? - in the bookstore by call it salad.
- at 4:00, sharp.
oh, you're just a little memory bank.
you give us the same speech every time we go to the mall- no jumping on waterbeds, no perfume fights- no falafel.
- look at that dress.
- d.
j.
, give it a rest.
this is the one i want for that "one enchanted evening" dance.
pretty snazzy threads for an evening that's going to end at 9:30.
- hi! - hi.
- hi.
- aunt jackie, i found the dress i want.
ouch! hot stuff.
when i walk into that gym, everyone's going to notice me.
yeah, and then they're going to puke.
if i don't get this dress, i'll kill myself.
honey, bad luck to kill yourself before the biggest sale of the year- lanford mall spring-a-thon.
they're having this awesome thing called the blue light-a-thon.
if a blue light flashes while you're touching something, you get it for free.
my luck, i'll be touching myself.
- i'm going to wait in the car.
- me, too.
- me three.
- so funny, i forgot to laugh.
are you looking for anything special? just the usual lanford excitement.
roseanne, what's wrong with these? why are you telling me i need new shoes? because she lives to torment you, like i do.
thanks so for sharing.
- now go home.
- no, no, no, i'm coming along to make sure you get the shoes 'cause i'm tired of hearing roseanne complain about it.
d.
j.
and darlene are killing each other.
what's the bad news? i love the live music.
you should soak it in now 'cause they ain't gonna be live much longer.
i've been to a lot of a-thons in my day, but i must say this is the a-thon to end all a-thons.
come on, i want to get to the ultimate.
we got to wait for your dad to park the car, and then we got to hear the epic saga.
can i have a dollar for a cherry guzzle? - i thought you brought money.
- i did, but i'm not spending it on food.
cherry guzzle ain't food.
it's toxic waste.
please, mom? i'm dying of thirst.
all right, i guess your life's worth a buck.
thanks.
how come it takes dad so long to park the car? 'cause he's gotta drive around two inches closer than the one he found 10 minutes before.
i just know that at this very moment some other girl in the ultimate's buying the same dress i want.
honey, what did i tell you about being paranoid schizophrenic? mom, this is the dance of the year.
go ahead in the ultimate.
i'll meet you in a couple of minutes.
thanks.
i'm keeping the charge card.
it must be hard to shop with someone's tongue in your mouth.
- oh, my god.
- what? that's stan harmony.
he's got that exercise show on channel 32, not to mention a great set of pecs.
well, maybe he's here for the pec-a-thon.
how have i taken advantage of you? - in what way? - in every conceivable way.
"you are here.
" thanks for telling us.
they've added a ton of stuff- house of pedicures, snow tires "r" us, bagel madness.
i love malls.
you can live, die, and learn how to play the organ, all under one roof.
pick a key, will ya? yoo-hoo! - look, it's the original mall groupie herself.
- yes.
on her grave it will say "you are here.
" you guys didn't tell me you were comin'.
we didn't want to spoil the wondrousness of this moment.
crystal, you look like you bought out the mall.
it's tempting.
everybody's having two-for-one sales, one-cent sales, half-price sales.
i'd love to get a set of towels.
wOMAN ON p.
a.
: aTTENTION, sPRING-A-THON fOR THE NEXT HALF-HOUR, IN ADDITION TO OUR REGULAR 15% DISCOUNT, THERE WILL BE AN ADDITIONAL oh, my lord, this is incredible.
this woman has been kissed by the gods.
i'm gettin' towels.
hi! bye! how far away did you park? gdansk.
are you looking for anything in particular? yeah, my mother.
she's supposed to be here already.
okay, honey.
forget it.
your butt's too big.
- would you get out of here? - why don't you buy this one with the big bow on the back? that ought to cover the continental divide.
mother, tell your daughter to get lost.
darlene, am-scray.
- i need a dollar.
- for what? designs on yogurt is giving away free toppings with every purchase.
but not to you, you just had a guzzle.
half a guzzle.
it was warm.
i threw it out.
- mom, give her the dollar, please.
- all right.
now, that's it till college.
thanks.
this is cute.
lookit.
mother, that is not the fashion statement i want to make.
well, 110 bucks ain't the financial statement i want to make.
well, have you found anything yet? no, just a bunch of clothes.
well, what exactly are you looking for? we're looking for something that doesn't cost nothin' and will change my daughter's life.
something like this.
that's a fabulous look.
let me show you some things i have in the back.
hey, you.
i looked all over the place.
i couldn't find nothing.
oh, you poor baby.
it must be hard to find shoes when you're browsing around in house of chain saws.
roseanne, there's no way i'm going to blow an entire saturday sitting in some shoe store, waiting to be waited on by some salesman who's already got 200,000 other customers who are waiting to be waited on.
i ain't buying shoes.
that's it.
end of discussion.
get a couple of extra pairs of laces, too.
- mom, look at this dress.
- wow.
can i have it, please? please, please, please, please, please? well, first you gotta say "please.
" - how much is it? - 79.
95.
if you buy me this dress, i promise i'll never ask for another thing.
now, becky, we discussed price before we left home.
all my friends are going to be wearing dresses like this.
if i don't have one, none of the guys will wanna dance with me.
so dance with the girls.
let's go look at something else.
i don't want anything else.
i want this.
this is an investment.
in a few years, your other daughter will be able to wear it.
for 80 bucks, our whole family has to be able to wear it.
- let's look at something- - then i don't want anything ever again for as long as i live! thanks.
you've been very helpful.
- dARLENE: d.
j.
! - i wanna see the bunnies! i went to your sister's house.
you're gonna go to my mother's.
all right, but i'm not eating.
best 21.
95 you'll ever spend.
do you come with it? the porta shaper toned my entire body- legs, chest, arms.
they can do the same for you.
if i work out with this, i'll look exactly like you? - absolutely.
- and i won't need surgery or anything? - i'll show you how it works.
- no.
- come on.
- no.
i feel a little overdressed.
maybe i should take some of this off.
now, we don't want to get too healthy too quick.
- now, what are your goals? - uh to get the hell out of lanford.
you know what? you sound a lot like me five years ago.
i was a factory worker in mansfield, ohio.
i work in the factory.
i was 32, 128 pounds, bored senseless, stuck.
do you know what i'm saying? i hated getting up in the morning.
i know exactly what you're saying.
it was april 2ND.
i opened my eyes that morning, and the first thing i saw was a cigarette butt floating in a bottle of beer.
right then, it hit me- maven.
maven? motivation, attitude, vitamins, exercise, nutrition - maven.
the result: the porta shaper.
you can do it, too.
well, that's you.
i'm here.
- i'm stuck.
- hey, i was you.
i just got unstuck.
hey, are these things gonna make me nauseous? excuse me.
i'm sorry, what? see, i got this problem with my stomach, and these things- what about gas? wOMAN ON p.
a.
: aTTENTION, sPRING-A-THON wILL CUSTOMER bUDDY jAFFEY PLEASE RETURN TO lANFORD nATIONAL bANK ON LEVEL THREE? - how'd you do? - oh, swell.
- my daughter's not talking to me.
- where's your new dress? - we didn't buy one.
- it cost 80 bucks.
lanford.
lan-ford.
cities in illinois.
roseanne, everything in this town stinks.
you'll never be able to buy becky that new dress.
i'll never be able to buy my kids a new dress.
lanford's a big cesspool, and we're all condemned to sit here and drown in the sewage.
is something wrong? yeah.
i'm 32.
i weigh 110 pounds.
i work in a crummy factory, and i'm stuck here like a cigarette in the bottom of a beer bottle.
honey, you're upset.
blame him.
he was a small-town boy.
he got unstuck.
he's showing people how to bend over in a mall.
yeah, well the only thing he's got that you ain't got is a gimmick.
- you'll get there.
- roseanne, i haven't even come close.
sure, you have.
what about your edible nail polish thing? what's the matter with that? - nothing.
- you'll do it.
trust me, you'll get there.
when you do, it's going to be better than having a stick on a rope.
- yeah.
- hey, you guys, i won.
won what? the blue light prize.
it was just incredible.
the blue light went off when i was in towels, etcetera.
- what'd you win? - ooh, check it out.
rubber sheets.
well, my mall day's done.
- you guys need a ride to your car? - no, thanks.
- dan chartered a helicopter.
- okay, bye-bye.
- bOTH: bye.
- see you monday! feel like a chili dog? among other things.
you want a chili dog? no.
i'm never eating again.
fine, but you're still doing the dishes.
- why isn't that guy coming to us? - he will, son.
we've been waiting forever.
we haven't been waiting forever.
we've only been waiting half an hour.
that's hardly forever.
waiting's good for you.
did you know that? waiting builds character.
waiting helps you appreciate what you've been waiting for.
some of the greatest men in history waited.
lincoln waited at gettysburg.
caesar waited all the time.
and these are some of your great men of history.
- they were waiters? - uh-huh.
excuse me.
- dad, i need money.
- no, she doesn't.
go suck on a loafer.
come on, mom won't give me any.
- she probably has a good reason.
- no, just cheapness.
- all right, here.
- thanks.
no parakeets.
- are we still gonna wait? - you bet.
- is he ever gonna help us? - yeah.
yeah, he's gonna help us.
thomas edison, he waited.
he was also deaf in one ear.
beethoven was totally deaf.
he wrote some of the most beautiful music ever written.
my aunt used to play a piece by him- "moonlight sonata.
" she only knew that piece.
that and "theme from a summer place," percy sledge.
no, that's percy faith.
i get the percys mixed up all the time.
big talent.
big, big, big, big.
excuse me, sir.
i'll be with you in a minute.
right.
- dad, my elbow's five and a half.
- great.
- dad, will you measure my head? - no.
no, no, no.
just sit there, okay? just sit there.
don't measure anything.
don't touch anything.
don't try anything on.
just sit there.
just sit.
just sit there, okay? okay.
all right, very quickly.
i'm supposed to be on my break.
- this.
- what size? - 13-d? - 13-d.
- no sweat.
- excuse me but every 13-d is different.
well, i guess that answers my question.
i was wondering if you're sitting here thinking about what to get me for mother's day.
you're still not talking to me, huh? fine.
there's plenty of other people who will.
hey, dudes, have you heard that new pink nipple album? - mother! - it's a miracle! the mall's restored your power of speech.
- so you were saying? - don't embarrass me in front of strangers.
oh, i didn't mean to make you feel bad.
i'm sure you didn't mean to make me feel bad when you threw that hissy fit in the ultimate and made me feel like the worst parent that ever lived.
i'm sorry.
i didn't mean to embarrass you.
you know i'd love to buy you that dress, - but we just can't afford it.
- i know.
- you want to go look at something else? - no, mother.
i'll wear what i already have.
- you sure? - yeah.
i'll find something in my closet.
oh, becky, you're such a saint.
when we go home, you'll have to ride on the dashboard of the car.
what's wrong? - i'm beat.
- wonder why.
maybe 'cause you just snarfed down of sugar.
shut up.
- i'm going to go lay down.
- lie down.
shut up.
mom, look what i got for you - a shoehorn.
why don't you go upstairs and wrap it up and surprise me? okay.
- well? - well what? you know damn well "well what.
" is this the item to which you're ever so obliquely referring? yeah, let's see 'em.
oo-ooh! ahh-hh! - oh, nice.
- nice? roseanne, every inch of these babies is hand-sewn, and that's not all.
notice the superflex sole, the beveled heel, the multi-textured leathers and exotic skins.
no, no, this is more than a mere shoe.
this is a timeless piece of footwear.
on behalf of shoes, i'm ed mCmahon.
- say, ed, what did you pay for them? - 79.
95.
would you hate me if i asked you to take 'em back? take 'em back? no, wait a minute.
you've been on my case all week, begging me to buy a pair of shoes, and i finally give in because i happen to be a decent human being.
i drag you and your "back from the dead" sister to the mall, drop you off at the door while i drag my muffler around the parking lot 30 times looking for a place to park, get kicked out of three handicap spaces, almost get arrested, spend a day and a half in a shoe store waiting for buster brown with an attitude to wait on me, - and you want me to take these back? - yeah.
- may i ask why? - well, 'cause there was this dress for becky, and it cost 80 bucks, but i couldn't afford it.
so i just was thinking if we took the shoes back, we could afford it.
you're an amazing woman, kiddo.
i know, and it only took you - becky! - yeah? daddy says we can take back his shoes, and we're going to get that dress.
- do you mean it? - i swear on your father's shoes.
but you have to do every single thing i tell you for the next six months with no lip.
i swear on my father's shoes.
you gonna drive us, honey?