The Golden Girls (1985) s01e16 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" - Morning.
- Oh, here, taste this.
- What is it? - Oh, it's my special maple syrup, honey, brown sugar, molasses, Rice Krispies log.
How practical.
A snack you can panel your den with.
Some people put flour in it, but I think that makes it too heavy.
My kids always liked it this way.
Tell me, Rose, do any of your kids still have their own teeth? I know it's a little sweet, but it's Kirstin's favorite.
What are you and your daughter planning on doing this week? My granddaughter's never been to Florida before, so I thought I'd take them to SeaWorld and Gatorworld and Reptile World - and Parrot Village.
- What? The parrots don't get a world? This is outrageous.
Dorothy, just look at this man.
He is obviously guilty as sin.
I don't even know why they bother with a trial.
- What trial? - Oh, the Duncan Osgood trial.
That big society murder over in Palm Beach? What makes you so sure he's guilty? His wife was found at the bottom of their private lake clutching his dickey in her hand.
Well, that would certainly place him at the scene of the crime.
Look at this.
I'm a walking time bomb.
Stand back, I could blow any minute.
Ma, you know that machine is not working.
We shouldn't take any chances.
I can't be moved.
Somebody else will have to give up their room for Rose's family.
You're fine.
You're staying with me.
You always complain and we always get through it.
All right, fine.
But I'm begging you, while we're sleeping together, please lay off the broccoli at dinner, huh? Sophia, I really appreciate you giving up your room.
It's just so much more fun having the family here than at a hotel.
- I bet you're pretty excited about their visit.
- Oh, yes - and a little nervous.
- Nervous? Why would you be nervous at your daughter and your granddaughter? My friend Maria is always nervous when her daughter Theresa comes for a visit.
Of course her daughter is a hitman for the Mob.
The rumor is she dated Frank Sinatra.
You know the song "The Lady is a Tramp"? It used to be "Theresa is a Tramp.
" Well, they had to change it for legal reasons.
Ma, what are you talking about? Somebody asked me about Frank Sinatra.
We were asking Rose why she's nervous about seeing her daughter.
Then try to stay on the subject.
Why are you nervous, Rose? I'm nervous 'cause I made Kirstin executor of my will and I have to go over the documents with her.
Well, honey, she's a big girl.
I mean, this may not be the most pleasant conversation you two will ever have, but she can handle it.
There are some things in there that might surprise her.
- Oh, some deep, dark, family secrets? - No, I just don't know how she'll react.
Oh, boy, I'd love to put some surprises in my will.
Like leaving a small remembrance to each of the men who has brought some special joy or pleasure to my life.
Where would they read that will, Blanche? The Astrodome? Or maybe I'll just do something like, "To my sister Virginia, "I hereby bequeath my diamond brooch, my collection of Wedgwood china, - and all my stock in AT&T.
" - You have stock in AT&T? I don't have any of those things, but for one brief moment, Virginia would think she'd hit the jackpot.
That's why mm-mm is a tramp.
- Are they here yet? - No, not yet.
But Rose left for the airport over an hour ago.
Wait until you see what I bought.
I found the most stunning silk dress, an incredibly revealing lace nightie, and look, these just adorable sequined socks.
Sequined socks I think they kind of make a personal statement.
Yeah, this end up.
Sophia! Anyway, I'm glad I got back before Kirsten and Charley got here.
- Who's Charley? - Rose's granddaughter.
That's a girl's name, Charley? That's a bookie's name! - She's named after Rose's husband.
- Rose's husband was a bookie? - He sold insurance.
- An even bigger racket! Dorothy, listen.
Before Rose gets here, can I ask you something? - Sure.
- You don't have to answer - if you don't want to.
- What is it? If you think it's none of my business, say, "It's none of your business!" You caught me one night sneaking out of the kitchen naked with an Oreo in my mouth.
We have no secrets.
Now ask your damn question.
Have you noticed that Rose has been acting peculiar? Yes, Blanche, from the first day I met her.
I mean, since she's been getting ready for her daughter's visit.
I think it has something to do with her will.
She's just excited about seeing her daughter.
No, I think it's more than that.
You know how she said she was nervous about showing her daughter her will? She ought to be, because wills make people do crazy things! Like what, Blanche? Like killing people.
Do you know what they just uncovered in the Duncan Osgood murder case? That the day before she was murdered, Tippi Paxton Osgood had changed her will, making Duncan the sole heir to the Paxton napkin fortune! - That man is guilty! - Oh, come on! That's circumstantial evidence! I mean, it's not enough to convict him! Actually, the more damning evidence was a snapshot they found of Duncan dressed in scuba gear, dragging Tippi's body down the stairs, wrapped in a carpet.
Maybe it was from their wedding album.
Here we are! This is home! Oh, Charley, Kirsten I want you to meet my friends Blanche and Dorothy.
Hello, Kirsten! Hiya, Charley! Rose has told us so much about both of you! I'm just so glad you finally got to Miami! When Mom told me she needed me to review the estate papers, I figured it was a perfect excuse to come for a visit.
It's just a will, Kirsten.
I wouldn't call it estate papers.
And while we're down here, I'm gonna go to astronaut camp.
Astronaut camp? There's a camp for astronauts? Is it close by? Down, Blanche.
It's a special program for young people.
Isn't that something? My granddaughter wants to be an astronaut! Not really, Grandma.
I just want to meet boys who want to be astronauts.
Me too! Do you wanna give Blanche and Dorothy the presents we brought for them? - Sure, Mom.
- Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Hope you like it.
It's very popular in Minnesota.
It's a maple syrup, honey, brown sugar, molasses, Rice Krispie log! One for each of you.
How sweet.
How incredibly sweet.
Come on, now.
We gotta get you two settled.
- Can you get those, honey? - Sure, Mom.
- Thank you for inviting us to stay with you.
- Oh, thank you for these lovely gifts! - What are you gonna do with yours? - It's a log.
I'm going to burn it.
- Mom, dinner was delicious.
- Oh, it certainly was.
You must have spent all day in that kitchen.
Oh, no.
It's a simple recipe.
You just take some mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables and ground lamb and throw them all together.
Where we come from, it's called Shepherd's Pie.
Where I come from, it's called garbage.
Ma, please.
Rose, dinner was wonderful, it truly was! Thanks.
It was my husband's favorite.
Charley used to ask for it at least once a week.
You know, I don't believe George ever requested anything special from me.
At least not in the kitchen.
No, that's not entirely true.
Once on our anniversary or was it on payday? Anyway, I remember a butcher block table was involved Blanche.
Oh.
- Great.
Anybody ready for dessert? - I am, Grandma.
Oh, good.
I'll slice into that Rice Krispie log.
(both) Ah, just coffee.
- Let me help you, Mom.
- Sure, sweetheart.
Honey, you didn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
- I don't like Brussels sprouts.
- Neither do I.
Put them in here with mine.
- Mom, your friends are lovely.
- Oh, they're two very special people.
When you first told me you were moving in with some other ladies, - I was really surprised.
- What do you mean? I thought, why would anyone who could afford to be totally independent want to live with someone else? Kirsten, I think there's something I should explain.
You don't have to, Mom.
I understand perfectly.
Meeting Blanche and Dorothy explains everything.
I want you to take a look at my will.
Mom, you keep your will in the cookie jar? Yes.
Every time I used to walk into the kitchen, your father was in the cookie jar.
This way, he still is.
I think I'd better warn you, I know how much you liked my sapphire necklace, but I thought you'd get more use out of the pearl earrings.
Mom, these numbers don't make sense.
They can't be right.
They're right, Kirsten.
I had them checked with a lawyer and an accountant.
- But there's nothing here.
- Of course there is.
I mean, there's nothing close to what should be here.
Daddy was one of the most successful insurance salesmen in his company.
You couldn't possibly have gone through everything.
Well, Kirsten, times have changed.
Money just doesn't go as far as it used to.
We just came to help.
No, actually you were gone so long, we were afraid you two were making another log.
In 15 years, you managed to piddle away the fortune it took Daddy a lifetime to build? - Kirsten, it's not that simple.
- Just tell me how it happened.
How could you go through everything Daddy earned? I don't know.
Bad investments.
I guess I got a little greedy.
You know, get-rich-quick schemes.
- I lost it all, I'm sorry.
- Mother, I am so ashamed of you.
- I don't believe it.
- Well, me neither.
Rose Nylund isn't the kind to squander her money on bad investments.
It's true! I did it.
I guess you two don't know me as well as you think you do.
"Please join us when we return to the air at 6 a.
m.
"We now conclude our broadcast day with the Blue Angels Squadron accompanied by our national anthem.
" At ease, Rose.
Come on, honey, why don't you get some sleep? I can't.
- Do you want to talk about it? - I can't do that either.
Here you are.
I just spent five minutes telling your bathroom door that everything's gonna be fine between you and your daughter.
You should never lie to anyone.
OK, it was only three minutes, but still! I stood there like a fool.
Even if lying seems like a good idea at the time.
Oh, Rose.
What are you talking about? Is this about Kirsten? Oh, Kirsten wouldn't lie.
I raised her better than that.
Except for a little white lie, but that doesn't really count.
Oh, yes, it does! A lie is a lie, which is a sin, which sends you straight to hell! - Who told a lie? - Oh, who hasn't? Me.
I never lie.
Ma, how much did you lose at the dog track last week? None of your business, and that's the truth.
What's the biggest lie you've ever told? I once told my sister Charmaine that she was left on our doorstep by gypsies.
What? Blanche, why would you want to do a thing like that? She annoyed me.
Always mouthing off about how her hair was curlier than mine, her complexion was prettier than mine.
I finally said there was good reason for it - she was left by gypsies! I had her completely convinced! What did she say when you told her the truth? Oh, I never did.
I even tried to help her find her little old gypsy mama.
Well, I lied to Stan.
I used to tell him how great he was in bed.
It was really very difficult, but fortunately, I only had to tell him on his birthday.
So you see? Everybody bends the truth now and then.
It's not a crime.
But I lied to Kirsten.
Now she hates me for it! - Then tell her the truth! - I can't! If I tell her the truth about the money, then she'll find out the truth about her father! I can't let that happen.
I just can't.
Ooh.
My God! It's worse than I thought! Why, this is more baffling than the Paxton Osgood case! First, Rose had to lie about the money, and now she's hiding some deep, dark secret about Charley! Well, Blanche, whatever it is, it is none of our business.
Come on, Ma.
Let's go to bed.
No, of course it's our business! We're friends, we're roommates! I have no secrets from you.
My whole life is an open book.
Your whole life is an open blouse.
Charley! Charley, lunch is ready.
Hi.
Did you and Mommy make up yet? No, not yet.
Oh, but we will.
My, don't you look lovely! - Thank you.
I have a date.
- Oh, I see.
Anybody I know? His name is Robert.
He lives in a castle.
A castle? Oh, that's very exciting! Would you like some help with your makeup? OK.
You know, I used to go out with a Robert.
His father owned the movie house in town.
One month, I saw the same picture Sounds like cable.
So tell me about Robert.
What's he like? - He's a lot like Grandpa.
- Does he look like Grandpa? - No, he looks like Bruce Springsteen.
- Oh, well, then how is he like Grandpa? He works very, very hard and he's very, very rich.
- And what else? - I don't know.
That's all I've ever heard about Grandpa.
Oh, I see.
Oh, I wish you'd known Grandpa, Charley.
- You'd have liked him a lot.
- Do you think he would have liked me? Liked you? He would have adored you! Do you think that this is the right outfit to wear to a castle? Oh, yes.
And you'll be glad of that sweater.
Castles can be very drafty.
Are you two coming? The spaghetti is getting cold! We'll be there in a minute.
We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.
I hope the kid can help you.
You wear more rouge than Miss Piggy! That's it! I'm out of here! Ma, what's the matter? I can't sleep! All night long, tossing and turning! I'd get more rest on Space Mountain! I'm sorry, Ma.
I can't help it.
I could live with the tossing and turning.
Your cold feet are what's driving me crazy! It's like having two size-nine Fudgesicles pressed up against my butt.
Ma, will you knock it off? I have to get back to sleep.
Oh, good.
I'm so glad you're awake! I'm so glad you're awake! I'm taking my bed back! Fine! Rose, get into bed.
Ma, get out of here, and take your teeth with you! Don't make fun of your mother.
If I didn't wake up tomorrow, - you'd never forgive yourself! - I'll risk it! Dorothy, do you feel like talking? Oh, honey, if it can wait until morning, I'd really appreciate it.
I'm exhausted.
Sure.
I am too.
Let's just get some sleep.
- Dorothy, you're sleeping with a liar.
- Don't worry about it, Rose.
Most of the people I've slept with were liars.
Good night.
Dorothy, a lie is like a snowball.
You start out with one little harmless lie, and then you have to tell another one to cover up the first.
And then another, and another.
You know what I mean? And then before long, you've got an entire snowman built out of lies! Dorothy? I was gonna let Kirsten leave tomorrow and never tell her the truth.
I was willing to risk having her hate me to protect Charley's memory.
That's Charley, my husband, not Charley, my granddaughter.
But you'd know that if you were still awake.
But then today, I found that the lies that I've been telling about Charley are hurting Charley.
Husband and granddaughter, respectively.
So tomorrow, I'm just gonna have to stop this lying and tell the truth, no matter how much it might hurt all of us.
Dorothy, I want you to know, that having friends like you really helps me get through times like this.
Now you sleep well, and I'll see you in the morning.
I love you.
Thank God.
I thought you'd never shut up.
Well, whoever said a man is innocent until proven guilty sure said a mouthful! I was wrong about Duncan - he didn't kill Tippi! Well, what about all that evidence? The scuba gear, the carpet, the dickey? It turns out it was one of their trusted servants - who was trying to frame poor Duncan.
- Don't tell me.
The butler did it? No, he just thought of it.
He made the maid do it.
- Good morning.
- Morning, Kirsten.
I think your mother was looking for you.
I've been to the airline office, changing our tickets.
We're leaving this afternoon.
Where's Charley? On the lanai.
My mother is trying to help her put Barbie's hair back on with Poligrip.
Oh, Kirsten, you're back.
I want to talk to you.
Not now, Mother.
I promised Charley I'd take her to lunch and then we pack.
We're leaving early.
- Now.
It's important.
- Mother, there's nothing to talk about.
Oh, yes, there is.
And I should have done it a long time ago.
Kirsten, your father wasn't who you thought he was.
Oh, I don't think it's necessary for all of us to be here.
You're right.
Bye, Dorothy.
Don't go.
I want you all to hear this.
I lied about the money.
I didn't squander it on bad investments.
I couldn't have.
- He didn't leave me any to begin with.
- Mother, what are you telling me? Your father was a wonderful man, Kirsten.
Kind and warm and caring Never willing to let a friend or a neighbor struggle through hard times alone.
But he was also the worst businessman to ever balance a checkbook.
But you always told us how successful Daddy was.
He was a success.
As a human being.
But his work took him away so much, I was afraid you wouldn't know that.
That's why I made him into something he wasn't.
I guess maybe I was afraid you'd think he was a failure.
I never thought of him as a failure.
I hope I never let him feel like one.
If I did, I can only pray that he forgives me now.
- And that you will, too.
- Oh, Mom.
Come on, let's go find Charley and take her to lunch.
Sure.
With the size of our estate, I think we can afford lunch.
So that's it.
That's the big secret.
Charley was a nice guy! Oh, I'm sorry it lacked the intrigue of the Duncan Osgood case.
But isn't it amazing how things always work out? Rose and her daughter have reconciled their differences and Duncan Osgood can walk the streets a free man.
- I guess all's well that ends well.
- That's easy for you to say.
You're not at the bottom of a lake, clutching someone's dickey.