Desperate Housewives s01e17 Episode Script

Previously on "Desperate Housewives": The police showed me your rap sheet! You killed a man! You don't know if it happened or not.
It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say.
Sometimes unexpected visitors Do you think she is cheating on you? Think so.
I'll take care of it.
Thank you, Mamá.
lead to unexpected consequences.
Andrew, you almost killed another human being! She's lived her life! I have my whole life ahead of me, and now it might be screwed up! In the coma ward at Sacred Heart Hospital, the dreams began just after midnight.
The pitch black of night gives place to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning.
Gus, the custodian, dreams of some day winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job.
Howard, the security guard, envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics.
Ruth Ann, the night nurse, fantasizes about leaving her husband.
But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in room 12.
Yes: Juanita Solís had been dreaming steadily for 5 months.
Sometimes of the shocking secret she had uncovered.
Other times, she dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital.
But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth.
And then one night, Juanita Solís decided it was time to wake up.
Hello! Is anybody here? Hello? I have to call my son! Even though she knew she was about to die, Juanita didn't care.
The truth was finally going to come out.
Tell my son his wife is cheating on him.
Oh my god! Sadly for Juanita, this was one dream that would never come true.
episode 17 There won't be trumpets We all honour heroes for different reasons.
Sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sonetimes for their goodness.
But mostly we honour heroes because at one point or another we all dream of being rescued.
Susan, I know you're in there.
We have to talk.
This is crazy.
I know.
Everything the cops said to you is true.
I did kill somebody.
But there's one thing they didn't tell you.
I killed for you, Susan.
Susan -- if I can't have you no one else can.
Shut up.
Susan, are you home? Susan? Your car is here, I know you're in there.
I was -- hoping we could talk for a minute.
Susan, maybe we shold have waited till I left to do that.
OK, you don't want to see me now.
But I owe you an explanation.
It's all in there.
All of it.
Everything you ever wanted to know about my past, my reasons for doing what I did -- it's all there.
Hey.
Uh -- you know, just bonding.
Discussing current events.
Seriously.
If you were parked across the street, I could've let you go.
Why don't you just pretend we did? Get out of the car.
Get this.
- Hey.
Hey! Stop the car! I can't believe it.
Two months from graduation he gets expelled! You know, we are just lucky that that security guard did not press charges.
So what are we gonna do? Well, I'm glad that you asked.
What are these? Brochures for Youth Detention Centers.
How long have you had these? They've been in the drawer for a few months.
I had the feeling we might be needing them.
Bree -- I don't know.
We have to admit that we need help.
If we can't get through to Andrew, we have to find someone who can.
You really want to send our son away to some prison camp? Don't be so dramatic.
Some of these places actually look fun.
Look.
Camp Hennessy.
"Camp Hennessy teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summercamp-like atmosphere.
" "The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence.
" You have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries.
OK -- how about this one? It's perfect for Andrew.
It's a ranch in Montana.
It has lots of fresh air, plenty of open spaces and daily classes on anger management.
I'm not comfortable with this.
All right, how about this one.
It's in the desert and it's very reasonable.
Barracks are a little bit bleak, but that recidivism rate is to die for! Bree, I'm not doing it! I'm not sending my son away! It's easy for you, isn't it? You're not the one he's openly rude to.
You're not the one he challenges everyday.
You're not the one he hates.
I'll talk to him.
All right? I'll sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart-to-heart.
You talk to him all you want.
I might check out the place with the electrified fence.
"Listen my children and you shall hear Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.
" "Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch Of the North Church tower.
" "One if by land, and two if by sea; And I on the opposite shore will be.
" Hi.
I wanted to introduce myself to your Mom.
I'm Lynnette Scavo.
Hi, Lynnette.
I'm Alissa Stevens.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought - I read lips.
Oh.
"But a lot of the time signing is just easier.
" "I don't like to misunderstand or be misunderstood.
" And I'm Lily.
Oh.
Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi mom.
That's my son Matt.
My twins talk about Matt all the time.
We should set up a play date.
That sounds great.
Let's have dinner too.
I'd love to.
The British are coming! - Get out! Get out! Even better, let's just keep it adults.
"Canine Hero Rescues Boy" Babe, they blinked! We got them by the short hairs.
Who? Who blinked? The D.
A.
I just spoke with the lawyers.
They offered a pley bargain.
And that's -- good?` It means they know they got a weak case.
They don't think they can win.
It's over.
Oh my god! That means we can keep the house! No, we still have to sell the house.
I gotta pay the lawyers.
But you said they offered a plea bargain.
Yeah, but we're not gonna take that! Put me down.
Honey.
It would mean me going to jail for 8 months.
I think that's pretty reasonable considering you're guilty as sin.
You said that you're fine with selling the house.
That was before I knew we could trade some months in prison to keep it! What? No, this is her daughter-in-law.
Is it the hospital? Is it Mamá? Uh -- thank you.
Yes.
Gabby? I'm sorry, Carlos.
Some believe people are judged by the way they live life and others, by the way they leave it.
I like the Lexington mahagony with gold leaf.
Comes with a pink flower-fitted interior and drapes.
Plus it's hand-engraved, so in case of a flood or earthquake they'll at least know which one is ours.
Don't you think that's a little bit over the top? Only the best for my Mom.
No, honey, these funeral homes make a fortune trying to convince people to overspend.
What are you saying? - Your mother was a sensible woman.
She wouldn't be comfortable with all these bells and whistles.
Maybe this one.
Wouldn't be near.
What? You never liked my Mom.
Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts.
She always thought you married beneath you, and she let me know it.
She loved you.
- She treated me like trash! God bless her soul.
We're putting my mother in the grave.
Now is not the time to pinch pennies.
Carlos, we're not exactly flushed with cash right now.
Let her be true to her roots.
She was born humble.
And barefoot.
She was a queen.
So what did Mike say when he gave you the letter? That it explains everything.
Well, does it? I haven't read it.
Why the hell not? I just can't.
You're a better woman than me.
I would've ripped that open with my teeth.
Aren't you dying to know what he wrote? Yes.
But what if it's just a bunch of far-fetched stories? Well, you should assume that it is.
Why? Think about how good men are at lying on the spot.
God forbid you should give them time and a pen.
Hey, Edie.
You mind stopping by the site later? I have blueprints of the master bath.
Oh! I'll see you in a few, Bill.
My new contractor.
We're sort of dating.
Didn't you once say you never mix business with pleasure? No, I said never mix pleasure with commitment.
So, Susan, what are you going to do with the letter? For Pete's sake, open it up already! No.
No, I won't.
I don't trust Mike anymore, and without trust -- No, I'll just go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash.
Why don't we just rip it up? - No, no, no.
Uh, that's OK.
I don't want to -- you know, litter.
She is so opening that letter.
While Carlos was making arrangements to bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she'd be taking her secret to the grave.
Hi.
I'm Gabrielle Solís.
You're nurse -- Heisel? Yes.
Hi.
When you called and said you're coming down, I collected all the -- personal things that your husband brought in during Juanita's -- stay with us.
I assume that's why you're stopping back.
That's so thoughtful of you.
But actually, no.
No? No.
You see, my husband and I still don't have a clear account as to how Juanita passed.
How? - Yes.
Did she -- die quietly, in her sleep Oh, yeah, that's usually how it happens.
I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what happened.
Pretty sure.
I mean, I don't know exactly, because I wasn't with her at that time.
Uh-huh.
Was -- anyone with her? An orderly? Candy-striper? Anyone? No.
She was alone.
Thank you so much.
That's all I needed to hear.
Mrs.
Solís! Oh, you can just toss that.
Great.
Just great.
I think this is yours.
Yeah, I've been looking for this one.
Thanks.
I don't suppose you have any idea where I found it.
Well, these little suckers are drawn to bare fleeting car tires, and since you're not limping or bleeding -- This is only temporary.
You need to get this tire fixed.
Thanks.
I will.
Seriously, it's not safe.
You'll probably not get 20, 30 miles out of it.
All right, I promise.
Listen, I'm about to break for lunch.
Would you like to join me? Lunch? Yeah, lunch.
Are you asking me out on a date? That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a can of soda, but -- yeah, I guess I am.
Aren't you dating Edie? We went out on a date.
We're not dating.
Oh.
- So how about it? I'm buying.
I just got out of this relationship with this guy Mike, and it's kind of complicated, and -- Anyway, I'm just not sure where I am right now, I mean emotionally, I'm all jumbled up, I don't think I could leap into someting relationship-wise, at the moment -- Again: Just a burrito.
I'm sorry.
OK.
I understand.
Sounds like you need time to reflect and heal.
I do.
I really do.
OK.
I'll check back with you tomorrow.
"This is so delicious! I don't know how you find the time, with 4 kids!" Only for first-time guests.
Normally you'd be having chicken fingers and maccaroni.
If that.
Hey, shut up.
Tom, you're in advertising, right? I worked 5 years at Simon's and Scott.
I started at Simon and Scott.
I hated those guys.
We have to talk.
Who do you know that It's all over now.
They'll be talking shop for the rest of the night.
Alissa loves talking about Alissa.
Well, Lynnette loves talking about Lynnette, too.
I don't believe that for a second.
You and your husband seem pretty solid.
We're going through some tough stuff.
And counseling.
Oh, really.
More steak? It's her idea.
Not the most pleasant way to spend an hour.
Basically, I look at the clock and she blames me for everything.
I don't think we should be talking about Alissa with her so -- It's OK.
It's not like she can hear.
Give me some more of that potato stuff.
He actually said those things with her sitting right there? It was really nasty.
And he wouldn't shut up either.
Can't believe you said we'd play tennis with them.
Honey, that was before I knew that he was a jerk! She was great! Look what she taught me: -- means "I love you".
Yeah, that's great.
What am I gonna do?` What do you mean? Obviously, she needs to be told.
No no no, she doesn't -- This is between Dennis and Alissa.
How can I ignore this? And I quote: "It's not like she can hear".
Lynnette, you're starting to ramp up into that whole meddling thing that you do.
Excuse me? Let me just handle it.
It's a quarterback thing.
Are you saying I can't be tactful?` If he says something when we play tennis, I will take him aside, man to man, and say, "That's not cool.
" Are you saying I'm not tactful? Ow.
Ow ow Andrew, I need you to take out the trash.
Sure.
Now.
Not 5 hours from now.
Going, going.
God.
I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight, so -- I mean I need 40 bucks.
No.
What? You no longer get an allowance.
Fine.
I'm not taking out the trash.
Andrew? What are you gonna do? Torture me? Go ahead, I can take it.
What I want, what I've always wanted, is for you to be happy.
And you're not.
And I have no idea how to help you.
You can start by getting out of the way.
I will not.
We'll talk about this now.
I said, get out of the way.
The next time you touch your mother like that, I'll throw you through this wall.
You understand me? Edie, wait up! I want to ask you something.
Can't stop.
Got to keep my heart rate up.
I'm just wondering how you'd feel if I went out with Bill.
What? Um -- Bill asked me out.
Bill? My Bill?` Well, see, that's the thing -- He doesn't think of himself as "your Bill".
He said that date was just a one time thing.
Which I know because, when he asked me out, I told him I thought you guys were involved.
So you haven't agreed to go out with him? No.
I wanted to check with you first.
Wow.
That's nice of you.
So, can I? No.
Edie! Why can't I go out with him? Because I saw him first! Come on, that's a third-rate thing to say.
You asked my permission, I said no: that should be the end of it.
Technically, I don't need your permission.
I so much want to like you.
But you just won't let me.
Edie -- Susan -- I try.
I try to look past your flaws.
Your klutziness.
That faux vulnerability.
Your hair! But you look for ways to push my buttons.
He just wants to buy me a burrito.
Susan, please.
Let me like you.
OK.
I won't go out with him.
I mean, obviously you have feelings for him.
No, I don't.
I really don't.
So what then? If you can't have him, nobody can? See? Now you're thinking like a friend.
# Ave Maria Gratia plena # What a voice.
I have to hand it to Gabby and Carlos.
They do grief better than anyone.
So how much did that horse and buggy set us back? - Didn't mind.
Being poor? - A little.
Eyes front, Padre.
I can't believe Edie.
She doesn't have dibs on every man on the planet.
I want to go out with Bill, I should be able to.
I thought you weren't even into him.
Neither is she.
If she's not into him, why can't I not be into him? I'm gonna mourn now.
What's going on? Why are we slowing down? 'Cause we're almost there.
What is that? The family who owned it couldn't afford the maintenance man.
I got an amazing deal.
A crypt? You bought your mother a crypt? Keep quiet, we're making a scene! That's it.
I cannot be a part of this.
Can't do it.
Gabrielle! Stop acting like a child! Are -- are we supposed to be following him? I don't know, maybe it's part of the ritual? Go to hell, Carlos! All right, people, we're going to follow the body.
This way please! Come on! This is too much.
The only reason I agreed to give up the house was because I thought I would get a gorgeous little apartment! Now I'm not even getting that! What do you want me to do? Take the plea.
- What? Yeah! You did the crime, why should I have to pay the price? Suck it up, be a man and do the time! Gabby, you're being ridiculous.
Am I? All I want is the same respect that you gave your dead mother.
Gabby, please! At least she will have a roof over her head! Oh! Was that in? Nice try! God, Alissa, you're deaf, not blind.
It was a close call.
Let's tie on them.
Wait for me a moment.
You think her tennis stinks? You should try her cooking.
Sorry.
I should have mentioned that my tennis is much better than my cooking.
That was fun.
You played really well! - Thank you.
Gimme a break.
She serves underhand, for god's sake.
What's your problem? Excuse me? Hey, do you have a bottle of water? I always get all wacky when I sweat.
She's your wife.
How can you talk about her like that? Let me tell you what Alissa is saying with that phony smile plastered on her face.
"Move your ass, Dennis.
" "Nice love handles, Dennis.
" "Try switching your duder on, Dennis.
" Enough.
If you've got issues with your wife, tell her.
We're in counseling.
Well, it's not working too well if you have to unload on a perfect stranger, is it? If you're unhappy in your marriage, do something instead of just complaining, 'cause frankly, I don't want to hear it.
Hey! Let's trade partners.
Great.
Thanks.
I play with you? Hey.
Hey.
You did not take this in.
This should hold with.
You gotta take it in.
Thank you, I know.
I'm going to.
It's on the top of my list.
Phew.
That was hard work.
Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to come in and talk to me? Sounds great.
So, it's tomorrow.
I told you to check back on that date.
Bill -- I have my reasons.
Am I -- hideous? Oh god, no! You are so incredibly not hideous.
Thank you.
I fake.
Maybe it's the word "date" that's throwing me off.
I just wanna have some fun.
Dinner, drinks No strings attached.
OK, I'll go out with you.
Great.
I know this little place out of the way.
You'll love it.
What you doing? Making an emergency list for you.
So you know who to call in case of roof leaks or power goes out Why? I'm taking the plea bargain.
So you can get the house.
When I buried my mother, I did that with respect.
And I don't regret a single penny.
But I got us into this position, and the moment I did I stopped respecting you.
And that's not right.
You're so brave.
It's not without strings.
I need you to promise me that you'll be here when I get out.
That's a ridiculous thing to say.
I'm not going anywhere.
And that you'll be faithful while I'm gone.
Yeah! Of course.
Gabrielle, I'm no fool.
You're a beautiful women, and I understand that you have needs.
But I'm a very jealous and possessive man.
And I need to hear you say it.
I promise.
OK then.
Tomorrow morning we'll go and see the lawyers.
I love you.
I love you too.
And just so you know, I'll hold you to that promise.
What's going on? Did Grandma die? Uh, no, she's fine.
Listen -- Andrew -- Sweetheart, it's been clear to us for some time that you've been unhappy.
All this acting out.
The pot smoking, the violence It just isn't you.
And we feel that you need to spend some quality time thinking about the goals in your life and what kind of person you want to be.
What the hell are you talking about? There's this place called Camp Hennessy.
It's designed for teenagers like yourself who have lost their way -- You gotta be kidding.
They emphasize discipline and responsibility.
Two things you're sorely in need of.
You won't have to be there for more than a few weeks.
Stop this now.
I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents.
We're ready.
Sorry, honey, but you don't have a choice.
Get your hands off the beef! Andrew, it's no use fighting.
We'll help you to get dressed, and then we'll drive you to the camp.
We can take you from here.
Wait! Mom! Wait! Please, I'm sorry! Please! It's gonna be OK, I promise! This was your idea.
You will stop it! Honey, no matter what you say or do, I will always love you.
Let's go.
Come on! What's that for? For being here.
For standing by me through this.
You don't know what that means to me, Rex.
I had a long time since I felt I had a real partner.
And it really helps, especially on a horrible morning like this.
Hey Lissa, hey Lily, how are you guys? May I speak to you, please? Sure.
Boys, stay right there.
- Yes, Mom.
So, how are you? What? Dennis -- left -- me.
Why? You told him to, come on! I'm sorry, what? You talked to my husband about my -- Alissa, stop! If I can't understand you, you have to talk slower! "Dennis said you yelled at him for saying stuff behind my back.
" Well, yeah.
"And he said you told him our counseling isn't working.
" Yes, that's not exactly what I "Where the hell do you come off telling people to stop counseling?" I didn't mean that you "Sure.
We have our share of problems: "financial, "emotional, "sexual, "but we were solving them!" Alissa, come here.
Are you sure you want to be saying these things in front of your daughter? Now you're telling me how to raise my daughter? Lily, we're coming back.
Alissa, I am so sorry if I caused a problem.
I just wanted to help.
Why? Why did I need help? Well -- because Because I was deaf? No.
Because your husband was being a total jerk.
"And you just gotta come in on your white horse and come to the rescue.
"Guess what: I didn't need to be rescued.
"Got that? I didn't need to be rescued.
" Bitch! Uh -- she said -- Thank you, I know what she said.
One minute we were making out in his truck.
Next thing I know, we're in hospital and doctors are digging a bullet out of him.
When I started dating Mike he seemed like such a normal guy! They always do.
You want some nachos? Obviously, I am not going to read the letter.
At some point you just gotta let it go, right? Right.
Can we leave out the alopinos? I'm not good with spicy things.
I don't mean to be babbling -- it's just really complicated and there's so much about Mike you don't even know.
That would surprise me.
Edie! Your foreman said you're out on a date with a hottie.
Evidently, someone's in need of LASIK.
You tracked us down? Oh, it wasn't hard.
I just followed the stench of betrayal.
We had an agreement, Susan.
No, we didn't.
I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.
I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.
Am I in the middle of something? Not anymore.
You, I will hate forever.
And you -- are fired.
Edie! You fire me because I'm going out with Susan? Yes.
And before you start whining, dating her is punishment enough.
Save it.
I suppose I could tell her you threw yourself at me.
You were lonely, begged to have dinner and I took pity on you.
Excuse me, but that makes it sound like it was my fault.
You can't possibly blame me! I didn't fire you.
Right.
You just chose not to tell me Edie would be insanely mad if I went out with you.
Slow down, you're driving too fast.
This is between you and Edie.
I just got sucked into the drama.
I bet you tell yourself that all the time.
What does that mean? You didn't get "sucked into the drama".
You wouldn't fight her today.
That's not true.
You spent the last hour obsessing over your ex-boyfriend, even though he's a sketchy ex-con who probably strangled your neighbor.
No, he didn't.
And Edie told you not to go out with me.
But did you listen? No.
You saw the potential for disaster, and you couldn't resist getting in there.
OK, Mr "Let's just have fun, 'cause I'm the charming casual contractor" Man.
You chased me, so own it, my friend! You didn't get that tire fixed, did you.
I was meaning to.
I guess I do invite the drama.
Just a little.
yesterday with investor confidence higher Tom, am I a bad person? No, why would you say that? I don't know.
I guess I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped.
I did try to warn you.
You did.
Why do I do it? This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.
You're just looking out for your friend.
A lot of good it did her.
At least you tried.
I admire you for that.
Oh, please.
Hey.
I'm the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife.
"Let 'em have it.
" That's me.
I'm never afraid to create a scene.
My point is: You have a strong sense of what is right.
And you're not afraid to act on it.
And I admire you for that.
You know what I admire you for? You find the way to compliment me when you could say, "I told you so.
" You just signed "I told you so," didn't you? You'll never prove it.
Thanks for coming in, Mrs Solís.
I beleive you've met Nurse Heisel? Yes.
Hello -- again.
Nurse Heisel became quite attached to your mother-in-law.
That's why I asked her to be here.
First of all, I want you to understand that we consider our commitment to our patients a sacred trust.
OK.
Having said that, it appears there may -- and I stress may -- have been a breakdown in our chain of care.
I can assure you that we hold our staff to the highest standards in the industry.
But we are only human, after all.
Honey -- are you OK? Nurse Heisel, why don't you step out? I'm so sorry - Uh-huh.
We all share in your grief.
Apparently.
And we're hoping to alleviate any further pain your family may suffer by offering some monetary compensation.
Provided you and your husband waive any future right to litigation, of course.
Monetary compensation.
Are you trying to buy us off? Let's not get tangled up in legalese.
We like to think of it as an extension of our caring.
Well, in that case -- Care away.
Mr Hartley, I have a hypothetical legal question for you.
I like to play the lottery, and I -- Yes, I know what the odds are, but I just love those scratch-offs -- Say I were to win -- I don't know, $1'600,000.
Would the government be able to take it? Like they took everything else? That's what I thought.
The bastards.
So -- what if we won the lottery after Carlos went to jail? Could the government touch the money then? Hypothetically.
I see.
And we could keep the house.
Oh no, I'm just at the grocery store.
Wondering if I should buy a ticket.
Thanks a bunch, Mr Hartley.
So what time should I bring Carlos to the D.
A.
's office tomorrow? Great.
We all honor heroes for different reasons.
Sometimes for their daring.
Sometimes for their bravery.
Open! Sometimes for their goodness.
I love you.
But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued.
Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves.