Frasier s01e17 Episode Script

Cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing.
- But it mustn't leave a moustache.
- Cinnamon or chocolate? This is so complicated.
Um, cinnamon.
- And you? - I'll have the - Look, it's Daphne! - Daphne! Oh, hello! Thought you might be here.
Please, sit.
- I just stopped in for a bag of beans.
- Oh, well - Can I help? - Two pounds of (Both) Kenya blend.
- You remembered.
- What about my order? Most people find it too intense.
I like something that holds its body on me tongue.
We've spilt something.
If you could Would you like something robust, if it didn't come on too strong? If it was a little bit sweet I might like it.
- Want to come try my special blend? - I'd love to.
Oh, nothing for me, thanks! That man is hitting on our Daphne.
How does she stand it? Apropos of nothing, how are things with you and Maris? Are you implying my concern for Daphne is less than pure? - You tell me.
- That's your shortcoming.
You're always suspicious.
You should have faith in people.
What's he doing? - Bagging her beans.
- Oh! I'm so excited.
Eric's taking me to hear his band.
It's not me night off, but I'll switch if that's OK.
Isn't he lovely? I have a nickname for him.
Eric the Red.
It favours him, doesn't it? He looks like a Viking.
- Well - Well, ta-ta.
Oh, look at me.
I forgot me beans.
Earth to Daphne.
How could she like him? He has community college written all over him.
Niles, this infatuation with Daphne is getting out of hand.
I didn't mind when it was flirtation, but I can't help thinking that there's This is symptomatic of something wrong between you and Maris.
- Is it? - I can't lie.
The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut.
We seem to have lapsed into grey, numbing blandness.
That's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years.
Try spicing things up a bit.
You mean, boudoir-wise? - For starters, yeah.
- How? Well The two of you could, uh Well, you could It's you and Maris, so you could I'm stumped.
How are you? You wanna know? Or are you making conversation? If you wanna know, I'll tell you.
I was making conversation.
- Actually, I need advice.
- About what? A subject in which you're well versed: Sex.
How can I help you? What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship? I get dressed and go home.
Let's assume that you are capable of a long-term relationship.
- How would you keep things cooking? - Once a boyfriend took me to a bar.
We pretended we were strangers picking each other up.
That was hot.
You used fantasy, role-playing? We had so much fun we tried it again.
Next time, he got so into it he went home with another woman.
- I'm sorry.
- She was gorgeous.
One more drink I'd have gone home with her.
Women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures.
If you want to keep her interested, create a fantasy for an evening.
Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.
- This is not for me.
It's for Niles.
- In that case, make it a gladiola.
(Doorbell) (Persistent doorbell) Niles! Niles! I'm sorry, but something horrible has happened.
Maris kicked me out.
Dear God, why? What for? - Oh, my! - What's going on out there? Niles? Hello, Dad.
- I don't want to know.
- Wait.
There's a reasonable explanation.
All right, but I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
My plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues to lead her to my whereabouts.
Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.
Dressed like that? Actually, no.
At the time, I was wearing only my eye patch.
But is it still an eye patch if you wear it on your Stop! There I was - ooh - with my little plastic knife between my teeth.
Suddenly the closet door opened, and I found myself face to face with the maid.
She screamed - what I gather were unflattering things - in Guatemalan.
Maris stumbled upon the scene and ordered me out of the house.
I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.
(Dad laughs) Dad! Dad, it's not funny.
Where did you get that stupid idea? Frasier? All I suggested was role-playing.
You came up with pirates of the Caribbean.
- I've really bungled it, haven't I? - These things happen.
Why don't you stay here now, and tomorrow you'll sort things out? What if we don't? They could use an extra busboy at the Jolly Roger.
I'll never be able to face the maid again.
I don't think it's your face she'll remember.
Come on, Niles.
Everybody has an embarrassing story.
Did I tell you about getting locked out, in my underwear? - Every Thanksgiving.
- Don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year.
Canadian goose down pillow, Egyptian cotton sheet, - and a vicuna throw for if you're chilly.
- Perfect.
The service would've done you boys the world of good.
- Good night! - Good night.
Maris and I have had difficulties before, but nothing this serious.
I feel terrible having her mad at me.
I wish I knew how to cry.
- Don't be embarrassed on my account.
- No, it's not that.
I just don't cry.
It's not in my nature.
When Maris' uncle died, I shut my hand in a door, just to make a decent show at the funeral.
You're a complex little pirate, aren't you? - Well, good night, Niles.
- Good night.
Thank you, Eric.
I had a wonderful time.
Me, too.
- Well, good night.
- Good night.
(Niles whimpers) We've only had a few dates but I'm exhibiting the three signs of love.
I can't stop thinking about him.
I can't eat and I bought myself all new underwear.
We got to get her a girlfriend to talk to.
I called Maris.
She's in Arizona for the weekend.
- Why? - She's flown to her favourite spa to contemplate our marriage - from a mud bath.
It'll be good for her.
Eric thinks the earth is grounding.
Eric, Eric! Must everything always be about Eric?! I suggest when Maris returns you have intensive couples therapy Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
She just needs to know you love her.
Buy her flowers.
Fix a romantic dinner.
- That'll make any woman forgive you.
- That will work? If it didn't, you wouldn't be here.
I'm willing to try, but our cook walked out in sympathy with Maris.
I could help you.
I have a late date with Eric ca, an elderly Aunt Erica, but I could have everything ready by the time Mrs Crane arrives.
Well, thank you, Daphne.
What does Mrs Crane like to eat? You have free rein.
Bear in mind she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or dairy.
- Did I say nuts? - Oh, I think that's implied.
(Thunder) (Thunder) Come in and warm yourself by the fire.
- How did you get so wet? - One of your trees blew down.
- I had to walk the last 100 yards.
- Oh.
I must say, you have a beautiful home.
Thank you.
It was in Maris' family for four generations.
When I was an intern I drove through these hills, never dreaming I'd live here.
Then one afternoon, there was Maris, looking so helpless, banging on the electric gates with her little fists.
- They'd locked her in? - No, no, that was much later.
This time she had been at an antique mart.
Bought a rare bell jar once owned by Sylvia Plath.
The gates failed to open.
Naturally, I offered my assistance.
Our hands touched, there was a sudden spark of electricity, and, as if by magic, the gates parted.
- We took it as a sign.
- You were meant to be together.
Yes.
We were married just three short years later.
Look at this.
It's beautiful.
It's a glockenspiel.
We bought it on our honeymoon in Zurich.
I brought it down from the attic to remind Maris of better times.
It used to play beautiful music - now it doesn't.
How's that for irony? Let's get you dry clothes, so you can make dinner and get home for your date.
(Sobs) Daphne? - What is it? - Nothing.
No, no.
I'm a psychiatrist - I can read the signs.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to spoil your reunion with Mrs Crane, but Eric broke up with me.
- He did? - Yes.
He said he couldn't commit to me and his music.
He had to stay focussed.
I know it was an excuse.
I've heard his music.
- He must have another girl.
- Oh Oh, oh, oh! He's a fool.
If he can't appreciate you, you're better off without him.
Right now, I'm not so sure, but thank you, Dr Crane.
(Phone) Niles Crane.
Oh, Maris! Where where are you? What d'you mean you can't come home? It's not that bad a storm.
(Thunder crashes) Oh, Maris, I really think you should come home.
No, of course.
I don't want you travelling if it's not safe.
Yes, I understand.
See you tomorrow.
Well Seems like it's just the two of us.
You mean, Mrs Crane won't be coming? (Thunder) Oh my, there goes the electricity! What do we do now? The storm's really bad.
You shouldn't drive.
You just spend the night there.
Good night, Daphne.
- You told her to spend the night? - What's the problem? - You know how Niles feels about her.
- Relax, it's just a little crush.
Yes, Niles is harmless.
He'd never try anything with Maris around.
Maris is in Arizona.
- I got to get Daphne out of there! - Why? It's a recipe for disaster.
All alone in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night.
It only lacks someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors.
- Wait! - You're not coming.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
(Passionate piano playing) - Oh, Dr Crane, you play beautifully.
- Thank you.
(Dissonant chords) (Chords) I found this in the guest room.
I hope it's all right.
I thought you'd put on Maris' clothes.
Something bulky from her wool collection.
She's quite a bit smaller than me.
This was all I could find that fit.
- Should I go look for something else? - No Yes.
No, oh, no (Hits keys) Ooh! No.
As long as it's big enough.
And warm enough.
And silky enough.
And I have to make a phone call.
(Phone rings) (Answering machine) 'Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
'I'm listening.
' (Beeps) (Niles) 'Frasier, Frasier? 'I'm having a little crisis here.
Actually a large crisis.
'Lt's no time to screen calls.
Damn! ' - This is stupid.
- No.
- Nothing will happen between them.
- What if it does? He's my brother, and he loves his wife.
Their marriage isn't everyone's cup of tea, but on some twisted, bizarre level it works for them.
If Niles hurts his marriage, he'd suffer.
I won't let him suffer.
You'll miss the Roosevelt.
I let you come if you agreed not to give directions.
It's just faster.
- Roosevelt will add ten minutes.
- In rain, it's faster.
- Spatial relationships change in rain? - There's better traction.
If you had all-weather tyres like I told you - Come on! - You had to buy some German thing We'd better make this last.
It's all that's left of the wood.
(Sobs) Don't worry.
If this runs out, there's an antique sideboard that I think is reproduction.
Oh, it's Eric, isn't it? Don't know why I'm being so silly.
We weren't together long enough for anything to happen.
Powerful feelings can come from the promise of what might happen.
Anticipation makes all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.
(Thunder) - Dr Crane! - Yes? - We're losing the fire.
- No, we're not.
It's burning with the heat of a thousand suns! It's down to its last embers! Well, then, I'll put some wood on it.
You flooded it.
You cannot flood a fuel-injected engine.
This is maddening.
We're so close to the house, I can see the gargoyles.
- If we'd taken Roosevelt - We'd be stuck there.
- You made a mistake.
- That is it! Call the auto club, I'll make a dash for it.
You should take the shortcut by the side of the fountain.
Same to you! I suppose I just fall in love too fast.
The minute I feel that spark I give my heart away.
Daphne, stop being so hard on yourself.
What you see as a fault is also your greatest gift - to be so open and warm and loving.
You're so kind, Dr Crane.
I'm glad we ended up like this tonight.
So am I.
It's just so nice to be with a man you feel so comfortable with.
I feel very close to you.
I feel very close to you too, Daphne.
It's easy being someone you feel close to, when you feel close to someone who's so close.
(Thunder) (Glockenspiel) Dr Crane, your glockenspiel has sprung to life.
Oh, the clock! My God, it hasn't run like this in years! Maris will be delighted! Maris! You really love her, don't you? You know, I do.
Love's a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting, passionate.
Sometimes it's something else.
Something comfortable and familiar.
That newly exfoliated little face staring at you across the breakfast table.
Sharing a laugh when seeing someone wearing white after Labour Day.
I hope some day, some man will feel that way about me.
Oh! Daphne, don't worry.
You are a very special person.
Some day a man worthy of you will come along.
Just as soon as the gods create him.
That's the loveliest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thank you.
You're a good friend.
STOP!!! Frasier! - Have you gone mad? You'll regret it.
- What are you talking about? The two of you alone.
The fire, the candlelight, the nightie! Dr Crane, you didn't think Dr Crane and I Dr Crane! You have some nerve to imply your brother would do anything so deplorable!! He just made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife.
How he cherishes her excruciating little face.
And how they laugh at white people.
- That didn't sound right.
- Close enough.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to suggest I wasn't implying Then what was it you wanted us to stop doing? I wanted you to stop uh standing in silence! A night like this calls for music! Daphne, wine for all of us.
Niles, join me at the piano, please.
- You sure everything's all right? - Absolutely.
Frasier, my glockenspiel is working again.
(Tempestuous piano music) (# Theme music starts) # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy! # Maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Frasier has left the building.