Home Improvement s01e17 Episode Script

Good night, everybody.
See you next time.
- Nice going, AI.
- It wasn't my fault.
- Yes, it was.
- No, it wasn't.
Thanks for wrecking another show, AI.
Well, you're the one that stuck your foot in the joint compound, Tim.
That you left right behind me.
On purpose.
- I did not.
- Did too.
- Not.
- Too! Could you help me out of the bucket, please? - OK, here.
Brace yourself.
- Al, Al, Al! Tim! Tim, Mr.
Binford's looking for you.
Oh, great! Great! The sponsor shows up, and I'm stuck in a bucket.
AI, thanks for the book.
It means a lot to me.
Oh, Al.
- What was that all about? - Nothing, Tim.
It's just, she and I are both big Bob Vila fans.
You know, he's in town signing his new book.
Isn't that wonderful.
Just get my shoe out of the bucket, please? Well, I can't believe it.
I actually got to talk to the pioneer in home repair.
The pioneer? Without Bob Vila, there would be no Tool Time.
He paved the way.
Listen, AI.
Any paving done on Tool Time was done by me, the big asphalt.
Taylor! Oh, Taylor! - Back here, Mr.
Binford.
- Hi, Borland.
- Boy, have I got a surprise for you.
- Well, great, boss.
Guess who's gonna be on the show tomorrow afternoon.
- Ahh - Bob Vila.
- Really? - Hell of a idea, isn't it? Great.
He's the pioneer of home repair.
Darn right.
We'll sell some tools too.
Oops.
I see a vision.
- A competition.
- A competition? Friendly but fierce.
Between our Taylor and Bob Vila.
We'll call it "Stump the Tool Man.
" - A very good idea, Mr.
Binford.
- Don't suck up to me, Borland.
Every red-blooded male will be calling in, wanting to know if Taylor or Bob Vila is king of the home repair.
John, do we really need competition on this show? You're not afraid, are you, Timmy? Of Bob Vila? No, no, no.
Good.
You'll represent me - be selling a hell of lot of tools.
Have yourself a good time and kick Bob's butt.
OK, stump the tool man.
Ask me a hard one.
OK.
You're attaching two-by-fours to a concrete foundation.
- What tool do you use? - Piece of cake.
Electro-pneumatic rotary hammer drill.
Low vibration, variable speed.
Yes! - Come on, another one - hard one.
- Come on, Tim.
Give it a rest.
There's no way you are ever gonna know all the stuff in these books.
Honey, Bob Vila knows everything in these books.
That's because he wrote most of them.
That sure makes me feel better.
Are you afraid big, bad Bob is gonna make you look foolish? Better men than him have made me look foolish.
That didn't sound right, did it? - Ask me another question.
- Wait a sec.
Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs.
Woolitt.
He did what? Oh, I am so sorry.
Well, I promise it'll never happen again.
Listen, I'll send him over right away to apologize.
Oh, you did? Oh, well, OK.
That'll be fine.
Thanks.
Goodbye.
Randall William Taylor, get in here.
I wanna talk to you.
Middle name.
He's in trouble.
Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school and filled them with Cheez Whiz.
Mom, you don't understand.
He's a total geek.
- Don't call him that.
- What am I supposed to call him? How about "the whiz kid"? - Tim! - Cheese and everything Randy, this is not like you.
Why would you do something like this? Mom, Curtis is the most annoying kid on Earth.
- It's true.
He drives everybody crazy.
- Well, I don't care.
Curtis is coming over here, and I want you to apologize to him.
- OK, honey.
Ask me another one.
- All right.
One more, and that is all.
What is an adze? - A-D-Z-E.
- That's a tool? Yeah, it's right here.
"Adze: A medieval wood-shaping tool.
" Get real.
What are the chances somebody will call and ask about that? Might be good.
If I'm the one calling.
Hey, hey, hey.
Pretty sly.
What are the chances Bob Vila's gonna know that? I know why I love you sometimes.
In case I get in trouble, I'm gonna look at the camera, I'll scratch like this.
And I'll say, "Let's go to a female caller.
" You call this number, and Kathy will patch you right through the switchboard to me.
OK.
That must be Curtis.
Randy! - Come on, Mark.
Let's get out of here.
- I want to meet him.
No, you don't.
He's a bigger geek than you are.
WOW! Curtis, I believe that Randy has something that he wants to say to you.
Sorry about the Cheez Whiz.
Thanks.
I feel much better now.
- Curtis, this is Randy's dad, Mr.
Taylor.
- Hi, Curtis.
How are you? - My father and I watch Tool Time- - Good.
We really like AI.
We all like AI.
He is a geek.
See ya, female caller.
Good luck, big bad Tim.
May I please have something to drink? Yeah.
Randy, would you get your guest a soda? Mrs.
Taylor, you look a lot older than my mom.
How old are you? Old enough not to answer that question.
Curtis that's what my grandma says.
Thank you.
Welcome, everybody.
This is Tim "the tool man" Taylor, and welcome to a special live edition of Tool Time.
Today on the show we're It's special because we have a very special guest.
Why don't we let the audience decide just how special the guest is, AI? I'm sure a lot of you have seen his show and maybe read his books.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr.
Bob Vila.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What a great audience.
Just a wonderful audience.
Thank you.
It's just so great to be here on your show, Jim.
It's Tim.
- I'd like you to meet my assistant.
- Oh, AI and I've met.
How you doing? Good to see you again.
- The pleasure is mine, Mr.
Vila.
- Call me Bob.
I can't.
Well, why don't we get started.
Bob, you can sit down over here.
Before we get to our project, we have a little friendly competition called "Stump the Tool Man.
" - Oh, that'll be fun.
- It sure will.
Now, if you have any questions about home improvement or tools, I want you to call 555-TOOL.
That's 555-T-O-O-L.
Why don't we go to that first caller? - Hi.
This is Clarence.
- Hi, Clarence.
What's your problem? My wife is always changing her mind where pictures should be hung.
Hey, we can't help with that.
Women can never make up their minds, can they? Tell me about it.
Our walls are so full of holes, they're starting to look like Swiss cheese.
- Got any ideas? - Oh, yeah.
I'd slap some ham on that wall and have a sandwich.
Uh you know, the cheese and Anyway, the best way to fix a nail hole would be use joint compound.
Get a putty knife Uh, I really think spackle would be a better idea.
- I agree with Mr.
Vila.
- I'm sure you do, AI.
Clarence, you want to use the spackle with that putty knife and very carefully fill in all those little holes.
And then you just sand them smooth and touch them up with some paint.
The walls will be like new.
Well, I believe this round goes to Mr.
Vila.
- We're not keeping score, AI.
- I am.
Hi, there.
- Hi, this is Chet.
- Hi, Chet.
Tim, I try to catch your show whenever I can.
- Thank you, Chet.
I appreciate that.
- And, Bob, I never miss yours.
Hey, thanks a lot.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to reading your new book.
Quit the chitchat, Chet, and let's get with that question.
Well, I was wondering I'm remodeling my house, and I would like to know, what was the name of that wood that you used on the ceiling of that old cracker house in Naples, Florida? What? The house we had on the show - yeah, that was pesky cypress.
- Thanks, Bob.
- I believe that's two points for Mr.
Vila.
- Well, how am I supposed to know that? - Perhaps if you watched Mr.
Vila's show You know, this isn't fair.
We should get a question that both of us have an equal chance of answering.
Why don't we go to a female caller? - Hello? - Is there a female caller there? Timbo, is that you? I got this - Is this Tim Taylor? - Do we have a female caller out there? Randy, have you seen a piece of paper with a phone number on it? No, Mom.
Yes, Mother, I'm having a very nice time.
No, our house is definitely cleaner.
Curtis, have you seen a piece of paper with a phone number on it? I threw my gum away in it.
Yes, Mother.
She's very nice.
No, much heavier than you.
Mother? Mother? And to make sure they line up, /it's a good idea to use a doweling jig, 'cause remember, a job worth doing is a job worth doing right.
Goes without saying, doesn't it, Bob? Still waiting for that female caller.
Still waiting for that female caller.
- Hello? - Hello.
What's your name? This is Jill ene.
Uh, Jillene.
Hello, Jill Jillene.
What's your question? Well, ifs kind of a hard one.
Well, I think one of us will be able to answer it.
OK.
Can you tell me the name of a medieval wood-shaping tool? Ooh, that's hard.
Um maybe you'd like to handle this one, Bob.
I'd love to.
I think Jillene's probably thinking about something called an adze.
Tim nice try, Bob, but the tool you're How the hell did you know that? Let's get back to our project.
As you recall, last time we were trying to put a new doorway into an existing wall.
As you can see by our mock-up here, we've got our jack studs in place.
Now we're gonna put our header in.
So, are you planning on using a doubled-up two-by-eight? No, I'm not, Bob.
I'm thinking about using that beefy boy over there, a four-by-eight big piece of American Doug fir.
Doug fir.
Hmm.
OK.
And, folks, it's a good idea to use your framing square at this point in the job, 'cause you wanna make sure this header goes in there nice and level.
Excellent point, Mr.
Vila.
Yeah, there's nothing worse than trying to hang a door in an opening that isn't true.
- How true, how true.
- AI, I was gonna get to that.
Tim? We'll be back after these messages from Binford.
Cut! Cut! Just what in the world do you think you're doing? You've associated the name of Binford Tools with the killing of Bob Vila! That's a little harsh, the word "kill," isn't it? I winged the guy.
I started this company with one wrench and the sweat of my brow.
I'm not about to flush it down the crapper now.
- You don't understand.
- No, you don't understand.
I've got six daughters and nobody wants to marry 'em.
Well, Mr.
Binford, I always thought Maureen was quite lovely.
Can it, Borland.
Doc, what does it look like? Well, he seems to be OK, But I think we should get him to the emergency room to get checked out.
That's a good idea.
OK, Bob, let's go.
Listen, that was just a little ol' piece of wood that hit you.
I took a grenade during the war.
Yeah, listen.
I've got a fine miter box I want to show you, too.
It really cuts the Well, AI, I hope you're satisfied.
- Well, what did I do? - Well, you distracted me.
That's why I whacked him, Mr.
Negativity.
I think you did this on purpose because he beat you at "Stump the Tool Man.
" Oh, come on.
He didn't beat me.
- You even cheated.
You had Jill call in.
- That wasn't Jill.
I would never have my wife call in.
Well, you don't have to worry about that since you'll never be married.
AI, that came out wrong.
I didn't mean it like that.
You'll have a wife one of these days.
If you don't, you'll have a girlfriend.
Somebody who really likes you.
Not just some desperate woman.
Oh, he's so sensitive.
Oh, he's so sensitive.
Really? Tomorrow? Well, Mr.
Vila must be a good sport.
OK, yes, sir.
I will tell him.
Goodbye.
What's going on? Bob Vila agreed to be on the show tomorrow.
Why? Does he want to get hit in the head again? No, Curtis.
Don't you think you're cooking the carrots too long? No, I don't, Curtis.
- I don't like them when they're soggy.
- They're not going to get soggy, Curtis.
We should have a green vegetable with those.
Zucchini would be nice.
You know what would really be nice, Curtis? If you would just shut the Say it, Mom.
Randy, honey, would you take Curtis up to your room now? Please? All right.
Let's go, Curtis.
- Oh, hi, honey.
- Hi.
Are you OK? Yeah.
I just hope I don't hear the name Bob Vila again.
Well, Mr.
Binford called.
God.
What now? Somebody has agreed to come back and be on the show.
I'm not saying who, but it was someone you hit with a board.
- Bob Vila? - Was there somebody else? No, Jill.
I'm cutting back.
I'm just knocking out one guy a week now.
Mr.
Binford thinks that you should work things outwith Bob on the air.
Work what out? It was Al's fault.
He distracted me and I hit him.
- How many times I gotta tell people? - Don't get snippy with me.
- I didn't hit him with a four-by-four.
- It was a four-by-eight.
Oh, but you were the one that said, "He won't know what an adze is.
" Oh, now it's my fault.
I didn't say, "Why don't you take the question, Bob?" I have a rough day, I come home looking for a little support.
You had a rough day? I got stuck in this house all day with that little Curtis.
Mrs.
Taylor, after seeing Randy's room, I don't think my mom would want me to eat here.
What a shame.
Well goodbye.
It's starting to get dark.
Could someone drive me home? Get your coat.
I'm gonna run you home.
If you're gonna drive him home, make sure there are air holes in the trunk.
- Howdy, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- What are you cooking? - Boiling up some willow bark.
It's an old-folk remedy for a headache.
- I got aspirin.
- No.
Tim, it wouldn't be the same.
Mankind may have given me the headache, but nature will take it away.
- Sure could've used that today.
- Mm? Bad day today? The worst.
I yell at Jill, I insult AI, and I knocked a guest out on my show with a four-by-eight.
- Hmm-mm-mm.
That is a bad day.
- Well Who was your guest, by the way? You wouldn't know him.
He's the pioneer of home repair.
Oh, you mean Bob Vila! - You know him? - Oh, everybody knows Bob.
I can see how a guy like that might intimidate you, though.
He knows an awful lot about tools.
That's just it.
Why would he intimidate me? Why does everybody think he knows more about tools than I do? Well, does he, Tim? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
He even knew what an adze was without cheating.
Yes, the old medieval wood-shaping tool.
- How am I supposed to top that? - Oh, you can't, Tim.
So I go back on my show and look like a fool again.
Tim, Tim, Tim.
The first step for greatness is humbling yourself.
Maybe you shouldn't try to have all the answers, and instead ask more questions.
You see, Tim, a truly wise man always has more questions than answers.
So would that make me wiser than you, Wilson? Well, what do you think, Tim? Well, we've finished putting in that door.
And something is still missing.
The light switch to our beautiful chandelier.
Before we install the light switch, I'd like to point out another bright spot, my assistant, AI, who is a very special guy.
Well, thank you, Tim.
And I'd also like to mention to you ladies that he's single and very available.
Uh, Tim, are we ready for our special guest? Oh, right you are, AI.
Let's welcome back to the show a fully repaired and healed up Mr.
Bob Vila.
- It's not like I'm gonna hit ya.
- I'll just hang back here with Al, all right? Fine, fine.
'Cause I'm a humble enough guy to admit when I've made a mistake.
And we had a bad accident on the show last time, and I want to say that I take full blame for that.
Tim, I accept your apology.
Can I go now? Well, I was hoping you'd help us put in the wall switch.
Well, you're the expert, Tim.
You really should install the switch.
Well, I have to be humble enough to say that I really don't know all there is to know about home repair.
Well, Tim, you surprise me.
Oh, come on, AI.
This is Bob Vila, the big kahuna of home repair.
And I think the audience would like to see him in action.
What do you think, folks? Come on.
Well, what the heck.
I mean, electrical work is not my strong point, Tim, but this is pretty simple stuff.
I assume you've knocked out the hole and fed the wires through there.
- That would be these three here.
- And then the very important thing is to make sure they're clamped down securely with a lock nut connector.
I was in Scotland this year, and I actually saw the lock nut connector.
Connect away, Bob.
Tim, are you sure you turned off the electricity? That goes without saying, AI.
Well, now that we've said it, have you done it? Tim, it's your show.
I think you should install the switch.
Oh, you're the guest.
Go on, go on.
AI, would you do this? Please.
I don't think so, Bob.
Oh, come on, you guys.
- What the heck.
I'll put it in.
- Go for it.
It's a simple socket switch.
Wiring is very simple.
I just thought Bob'd like to take a shot at it.
Wiring's very simple with these I got a little There, OK.
Now, green, of course, like the ground, is green.
White is hot and No, white Well, hot What is this one here? Aaah! - Curtis is coming! - Oh, no.
- Curtis is coming! - He's almost here! Brad, get the lights.
Everybody hide.
Shh, shh, shh! Don't make a sound.
Shh.
Is anybody home? Hello! I saw your lights on! My mom said I could stay overnight! But you have to let me in first! I know you're in there! Hello!