The Golden Girls (1985) s01e17 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Sophia, what are you doing? Painting numbers on my toes.
I keep forgetting their names.
But Lucy will be here any minute! Honey, this doesn't look very nice.
I say, let relatives know how you really live.
That way, they don't hang around.
Well, it so happens that my niece and I are very close.
In fact, I'm hoping her interviews go well so she can transfer to a college here and I can see her more often.
I was never close with any of my nieces.
They all became nuns.
It's hard to shop for a nun at Christmas.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it! - What? - A rat! - A rat? - It wasn't a rat.
It was a cute little mouse.
Rose, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland.
- We're talking about a rodent.
- Oh, I'm calling the exterminator! Oh, no, don't! A mouse saved my life once.
His name was Larry.
Larry the mouse.
Oh, I loved Larry.
He used to walk to school with me every day on a little leash I made out of kite string.
One day, we were about to cross the bridge down near the schoolhouse, and Larry stopped dead in his tracks.
No matter how I yanked on that leash, he just wouldn't move.
Suddenly, I heard this loud noise.
The dam upstream had broken, and this rush of water swept the bridge away.
Larry saved my life.
If it weren't for a mouse just like that little one in the kitchen, I wouldn't be sitting here today, telling you this story.
(Dorothy and Sophia) Call the exterminator! - (doorbell - Oh, my gosh, that must be Lucy.
All right, now, you-all.
Please, no more rat talk.
- Ah, Lucy.
Hi! - Aunt Blanche! Get in here.
I want you to meet my friends.
This is Sophia and Dorothy and Rose.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you, Lucy.
Let me get a look at you, girl.
Mmm, terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin.
Just like looking in a mirror.
Get some Windex! - How was your trip? - Oh, it was wonderful.
I met a gorgeous, single doctor on the plane.
Oh, at 30,000 feet, she picks up a doctor.
Now I see the family resemblance.
In fact, I'm supposed to meet him in a half hour, if that's OK.
- But darling, you just got here.
- Aunt Blanche, you always said, "If you've got a stallion eating oats out of your hand, best close the gate before you give him the sugar.
" You said that, Blanche? I won't go if you don't want me to but I do want to go, so can I? - Would your mother let you go? - No.
- Then go.
- Thank you! Oh, you're the best! I'll see y'all later! Oh, isn't she something! I'm really proud of her.
Now, if I could just manage to rope myself a doctor that easily.
Honey, I don't think there's enough sugar left in the bowl.
He's back! I saw him running across my dresser.
- Who's back? - O.
J.
Simpson, Rose.
- The rat is back! - He's not a rat, he's a mouse.
He is history! I'm calling the exterminator.
Oh, no, Dorothy.
Don't do that.
I'll talk to him.
- What, you'll talk to the exterminator? - No, the mouse.
I can communicate with animals.
He's just a little field mouse who's lost his way.
He'll listen to me.
Mice always have.
Rose, do you have any idea how weird you are? Girls, I am just beside myself.
I just don't know what to do.
- What's wrong? - Lucy didn't come home last night.
- Her bed has not been slept in.
- Calm down, Blanche.
- I'm gonna call the police.
- Oh, Blanche, I'm sure she'll be fine.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen to a 20-year-old girl in Miami? Oh, my God.
Oh, good morning! Lucy? For heaven's sake, where have you been, girl? I've been worried sick! Aunt Blanche, only you could understand what happened.
- I am in love! - The doctor? Oh, he took me on his boat for a midnight cruise.
It was incredible.
I've only known him a few hours, but the evening was so perfect.
I didn't get any sleep, and I have my interview this afternoon.
I just have to tell you all about it later.
- I don't believe it.
- Neither do I.
Imagine, landing herself a doctor, and she still wants to finish college.
That should give them something to talk about back in Dogpatch.
Do you approve of what Lucy did? No, but I am not passing judgment.
Honey, things are very different these days.
She seems like a levelheaded girl, and who knows? Maybe she did fall in love.
That's right, Rose.
She doesn't do this sort of thing all the time.
Sophia, do you think it's right for a girl to sleep with a man on their first date? It's a sin! - See, Sophia agrees with me.
- All I said was, it's a sin.
Personally, I'd go back to eating fish on Friday if His Holiness gave that one the green light.
We're out of milk.
- King me.
- Ma, you can't do that! It's a perfectly legal double jump.
Yes, but I'm black, you're red! It's supposed to be a friendly game.
All of a sudden, you're playing Vegas rules? - Hi, everyone! - Lucy, honey, how did the interview go? Oh, fantastic! Is Aunt Blanche here? I want to tell her all about it, and that I won't be home for dinner.
Oh, your gorgeous doctor taking you for another midnight cruise? Oh, no.
Tonight I'm going out with Michael.
- Michael isn't the doctor? - No, Michael's from the university.
He's the one who interviewed me.
Oh, he's an absolute dream, he really is.
He is the most stunning hunk of masculinity I have seen since since Since the dazzling doctor from last night? - Lucy, darling, how did the interview go? - Oh, it was great, Aunt Blanche.
I have a feeling I'm gonna be spending a lot more time here with you in Miami.
Oh, that's wonderful! I hope you won't be upset if I'm not home for dinner tonight or tomorrow night.
Oh, Lucy! Please, Aunt Blanche.
He wants me to fly to the Bahamas with him.
The Bahamas? Well, I suppose you do have to celebrate doing so well this afternoon.
- So, what the heck? Go on! - Oh, thank you! I knew you'd understand.
I'll see you-all later.
Oh, I'm so happy things are going so well for her.
Practically accepted into college, now she's flying to the Bahamas with a doctor.
Uh, Blanche, this trip to the Bahamas - it is not with the doctor.
- What do you mean? - Girl's a slut.
That's not what I meant, exactly.
No, she's going to the Bahamas with the college interviewer she met this afternoon.
This is the second man she's gone away with since she arrived yesterday.
Well, she's 20 years old.
She's a young lady.
I don't have any right to butt into her life.
- I think you should talk to her mother.
- I can't do that.
- Why not? - Because Lucy trusts me.
Ever since she was a little girl, she and I have confided in each other.
If I betrayed that trust, she'd never forgive me.
I'd never forgive myself.
Then I think you should talk to her as soon as she gets back.
I think you're right.
I need to straighten this out.
- I don't know what to say to her.
- I used to know a girl like that in Sicily.
She slept with every Tom, Dick, and Vito in our village.
Finally, the women took matters in their own hands.
They dragged her to the outskirts of town, threw her on the ground, and asked her, - "Why? Why would you do such a thing?" - What did she say? "What else is there to do in this godforsaken village?" Ma, what does this have to do with Lucy? Not a thing.
It's the only slut story I know.
I'll just be a minute.
- Oh.
Oh, Lucy, you're home.
- Aunt Blanche, what are you doing up? I was waiting up to talk to you, honey.
I guess I dozed off.
- Well, what is it? Is anything wrong? - No, everything's fine, really.
Why don't you say good night to your friend and I'll meet you in the kitchen? Uh, Aunt Blanche, wait.
I wasn't gonna say good night to Ed.
I was stopping by to pick up a few things.
- What? - Well, it was on the way.
I'm in that new complex over on Lakefront.
By the way, I'm Ed Collins, Miami Vice.
Miami what? Vice.
Ed's with the police department.
Oh.
I thought he was with the university.
No, actually, before you left last night, I thought he was the doctor from the plane and Dorothy explained to me that he was the university interviewer.
Oh, no, that was Michael, the guy I flew to the Bahamas with.
I just met Ed at the airport.
He arrested Michael for transporting marijuana from the islands.
(sighs) Boy, you think you know somebody.
I see.
Well, Ed picking up Michael was doing his job.
You picking up Ed is something I think the two of us have to discuss.
Ed, it's been a real pleasure.
Good night.
Lucy, you're grounded for the rest of your stay.
Aunt Blanche, wait.
You're embarrassing me.
Why don't you get a good night's sleep, and we'll talk when I get home tomorrow? I don't think you heard what I said.
You are not going anywhere.
Aunt Blanche, I'm 20 years old.
I'm going where ever I please.
Come on, Ed.
You walk out that door, missy, you can forget about coming back! Lucy! Lucy! I just don't understand it.
I forbade her to go, and she looked me straight in the eye and walked out the door! Honey, you have to understand.
Lucy's experiencing her first taste of freedom.
She's going through a rebellious stage.
- Sweetie, it's part of growing up.
- Dorothy's right.
I cringe at some of the stunts I pulled when I went through my rebellious stage.
Like what, Rose, squeezing the cows too hard? No like climbing out my bedroom window and stealing my father's truck to drive to a bar in the city to meet Clel Lightener.
Clel Lightener? I think I used that on my hair once.
Oh, Clel was the cutest boy at our high school.
He was also the only sophomore old enough to get into a bar.
So what did you do when you got there? I sat in the truck for hours, paralyzed with fear.
I kept thinking to myself, "What is a simple Protestant farm girl doing in the parking lot of a gin mill in a flashy, fast-paced city like Tyler's Landing?" - So did you get out of the truck or what? - Of course.
I marched up to the door, and I ran right into Reverend Mackenzie coming out of the bar on the arm of Millie Beasley wife of Emmett Beasley, our town's most decorated war hero.
Emmett received three Purple Hearts all for head wounds.
He ran the feed store in our town.
'Course, if the truth be known, Millie was the one who had to make change for the customers.
Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town? Oh, sorry.
Anyway, Reverend Mackenzie made a deal with me.
He said if I didn't tell on him, he wouldn't tell on me.
So, I went home.
Well, did he keep your secret? Till the day he died which was two days later.
Emmett found Millie and the Reverend skinny-dipping in the church's fountain and he shot the both of them.
A week later, we became Lutherans.
Rose, that isn't a "teenage rebellion" story.
That is a "changing religions" story.
It's a "who cares?" story.
A "why-the-hell- tell-it-in-the-first-place?" story! - Blanche, Blanche.
- Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but it's just that I actually went through a very rebellious stage as a teenager.
- I know how difficult it can be.
- What did you do that was so rebellious? When I was 15, I dropped out of school for a month to become a magician's assistant.
When I was 16, I ran off with a gas station attendant twice my age to get married in Mexico.
When I was 17, I hitchhiked to New York, and for two months, I was a Rockette under an assumed name.
Tyler's Landing kind of pales in comparison.
I stand corrected.
How did you get through all that, Blanche? I was lucky enough to have my big sister Charmaine chasing after me, trying to talk some sense into my fool head.
Maybe Lucy could use a big sister herself right now.
If she doesn't already have one, I don't think it's humanly possible.
- I'm going after her! - It's the middle of the night.
- You can't go alone! - We'll all go.
- (all scream) - What are we screaming at? - I'm not sure.
Dorothy? - The mouse, the mouse! Rose, you promised that you'd get rid of it! Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy.
I tried to reason with him, but he just didn't seem to understand why he had to leave.
Oh, I thought I had him convinced, but at the last minute, he changed his mind.
Which surprised me, because mice aren't usually fickle.
But this mouse is an odd duck! Rose, how many head wounds have you had? I know a lot of people prefer Sonny Crockett on the show, but me, I'm strictly a Tubbs man.
- I've never seen the show.
- You've never seen Miami Vice? It's only the best show that's ever been on television ever! (knock on door It's in stereo, for Pete's sake! - Oh, I'd like to see my niece.
- Sure, come on in.
Aunt Blanche, I can't believe you're here.
Haven't you embarrassed me enough already? Lucy, can we please talk in private? Whatever you have to say to me, you can say right here.
- I have no secrets from, um - Ed.
Ed.
If you need some privacy, you can use my bedroom.
Thank you.
Please, ladies, have a seat.
- Can I get you ladies anything to drink? - Oh, no, thank you.
- I like your apartment.
- Thank you.
It kind of looks like something out of Miami Vice.
Really? Are you a fan of the show? - I adore it.
- Me, too! Miami Vice has been the biggest influence on my life.
That's why I joined the police force.
That's why I drive a fancy car.
That's why I wear expensive Italian suits.
That's why I'm up to my neck in hock.
You can't afford all that stuff on a vice cop's salary.
Who knew, huh? Aunt Blanche, I'm a grown woman.
I can live my life any way I want to.
Oh, I know that.
I just don't think this is the way you really want to live it.
Is it my fault men find me attractive? No, honey.
What they find you is available, and that's no compliment.
I find this very strange coming from you, Aunt Blanche, 'cause from the stories I've heard, you're not exactly a saint.
No, you're right.
I do enjoy the company of gentlemen always have.
I can promise you one thing, Lucy - when I'm with a man, it's 'cause I like him, not 'cause I want him to like me.
Well, what's wrong with wanting to be liked? Aunt Blanche, do you remember what I looked like as a kid? Oh, yes, I do.
You were a beautiful child.
I was not.
I was short and fat with braces and acne.
And I used to think to myself, "Oh, I would give anything to be just like my Aunt Blanche - to be pretty and popular with lots of friends.
" And then when I turned 16, it seemed like everything changed overnight.
I shot up and out, the braces came off and finally, the boys started to notice me.
And it was nice to be noticed, to be liked.
Oh, baby.
Honey, you've been trying so hard to get everybody to like you that you never got around to liking yourself.
And if you don't like yourself, you can't respect yourself, and if you can't respect yourself, neither can anybody else.
Why don't you come on home? We still have one more week before you have to leave.
I don't want to spend it fighting.
I want to enjoy being with my favorite niece! Ohh! OK, how about this one - what was the name of the informant who Crockett and Tubbs accidentally set up in the "Cool Running" episode? There's no way! That was Noogie, better known on the street as "the Noog Man.
" Rose, you're just incredible on Miami Vice trivia.
I've never met anyone so smart! Ed, for a policeman, you've led a very sheltered life.
- Come on, everybody, we're going home.
- But I just put popcorn in the microwave.
Oh, listen, Ed, I'm sorry.
You're a nice guy, but I have to go.
I understand, Lucy.
Would you mind if I gave you a call sometime? Sure, I guess that'd be OK.
Not you, Lucy.
I was talking to Rose.
Oh, I don't think so.
Are you sure? Tuesday night, I'm getting together with a couple of buddies.
We're going through Don Johnson's trash! No.
Goodnight, Ed.
We're going to go home now.
And I want you to know, we'll all sleep a lot better knowing you're off duty tonight.
Gotcha! Trapped like a rat.
OK, so you're a mouse.
Either way, you're out of here! Oh, listen, you had your chance to leave, and you didn't take it and now I have to kill you.
I mean, I'm probably doing you a favor.
I mean, what kind of life are you having? What, you hang around sewers, you eat garbage.
That's not living, honey.
Now, believe me, you'll be better off once I put you out of your misery.
I have never killed another living thing in my entire life.
All right, a bug.
Yes, I have killed bugs but they don't count.
I don't know why, they just don't! I don't believe this! I'm talking to a mouse.
The scary part is, I think you're listening.
Oh, look, I beg you, mammal to mammal.
Please go! Look, the exterminator said that you came in through a hole under the sink.
Please, that's the way I'd like you to go.
Oh, good boy! Ohh! You have the gift! Oh! Oh! Oh, Rose! Tell me, how long have you been standing there? Dorothy, I heard you talking to that little mouse.
It was beautiful.
I wasn't talking to a mouse.
- Yes, you were.
I saw you.
- I was kidding! Oh, Dorothy, it's nothing to be ashamed of! There are only a few of us privileged to have the gift to communicate with animals.
Lucy's ready to leave.
Come on, let's say goodbye.
We'll be right there.
Rose Nylund, if you ever breathe a word of this to anyone, - I swear I'll kill you! - Oh, Dorothy, don't be silly.
You couldn't even kill a little mouse.
That's because you can communicate with them.
Oh, Dorothy, one word of caution.
It's a powerful gift use it wisely.
You let me know the minute you decide where you're going to school.
I will.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you for loving me so much.
These last few days have really made a difference.
Sophia, oh, thank you.
Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
- Don't be silly.
- No, we enjoyed having you.
- So did half of Miami.
- Ma! - Have a safe trip! - OK.
Bye-bye.
Bye, darling.
Blanche, exactly what did you say to Lucy that night at Ed's apartment? Oh, I told her a lot of things.
I told her she was a bright, charming, funny young lady who didn't have to rely upon sex to be liked.
Well, good for you, Blanche.
You know, I hadn't realized how much she's been looking up to me.
I think the thing that really turned her around was when I told her that when it comes to men, I'm just a lot of talk.
Embellishment's one of the oldest traditions in the South.
Tall tales and tall drinks.
I don't really sleep around near as much as I say I do.
Is that true, Blanche? Maybe it is and maybe it isn't!