Desperate Housewives s01e18 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Is anybody here? It appears there may have been a breakdown in our chain of care.
Are you trying to buy us off? Sometimes, if you're not careful There's this place called Camp Hennessy.
I'm not going to a stupid camp for juvenile delinquents! You don't have a choice.
past mistakes We pulled it out of Rockwater Lake.
I must have sold several hundreds of these, just like it.
We have a list of customers' names on file.
will come back to haunt you.
I won't tell anyone.
I'll keep your secret, Dad.
There were many things Gabrielle Solís knew for certain.
She knew red was her color.
She knew diamonds went with everything.
And she knew men were all the same.
But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else: she would never want children.
Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband Carlos felt differently.
I'm so lucky to have you.
OK, I'll bite.
Why are you so lucky? Because -- I don't want to have kids and you do.
- Oh, that.
Most men would leave over something like that.
And you're still here.
I'm grateful.
I know the sacrifice you're making.
There's still a little part of me that's hoping you'd change your mind.
Once you had a baby, I think you'd love it so much that Honey -- it's not gonna happen.
You never know.
No, sometimes you do.
Well, it is a sacrifice.
But you're worth it.
Yes, Gabrielle Solís knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother.
But what she couldn't know was how much her husband wanted to be a father.
Or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months.
Or that within one week's time she would be pregnant.
episode 18 CHILDREN WILL LISTEN Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belong to the children.
And while most would spend the day practicing their sports and riding their bikes and jumping their ropes, others were no longer engaged in child's play.
Indeed, some children were being forced to grow up very quickly.
Sorry to bother you on the weekend.
We have a few questions.
About what? purchased a toy chest.
Toy chest.
Yes, about this big and with little dancing bears on it? Gosh, I'm sorry.
The craftsman who makes these chests keeps a list of customers.
Apparently you purchased one in August 1992.
We'd like to know where that chest is now.
Well, I wish I could help you.
I don't recall any toy chest.
I remember.
It had little bears and blooms on it, right? Yes, son, that's right.
We threw that chest away when I was little.
I was standing on it and it busted.
Remember, Dad? Vaguely.
I guess that's all then.
Thank you both for your time.
Hey -- what's the deal with this chest anyway? One just like you had washed up on Torch Lake.
Had a woman in it.
A woman? She was all chopped up.
Obviously, we need to talk.
You lie filth.
You said there was a man in the box! No, I didn't lie.
The policeman said it was a woman's body! Of course you lied! I told you a private detective would come to take you away from us.
I never said it was a man.
You didn't? - No.
Why--I--I thought that - No.
Stop, please, stop, I-- I know that you're lying for me.
Ok, I know that you're lying.
For the last time: Someone came and tried to take you away from us-- Yes, a woman! A woman came.
- Yes, she tried to steal you.
From the only family that you've ever really known.
And we couldn't let that happen.
And we didn't.
And that--is the truth.
We can't cancel now, it's two days away! Rex, I'm not going.
That's all there is to it.
Counselling is part of the treatment at Camp Hennessy.
You knew that.
Nowhere in that brochure did it say that we were expected to attend.
What will Andrew think if you don't show up? I'm making him his care package! He'll know that I'm thinking about him.
Why are you putting in lemon squares? They told us not to send him sweets.
Well, I don't understand why.
I guess they feel baked goods from Mom undercut the boot camp experience.
Fine! I won't send them.
But I think it's a stupid rule.
So are you going to this thing or not? No.
- Why? Because the minute I get there, Andrew will start attacking me for abandoning him.
And I don't want to hear it.
There's no reason to feel guilty.
You did everything you could for him.
I don't feel guilty.
OK.
Please, Christie-- there's no way I can get another babysitter this late in the day.
Parker! Knock it off! Because I'm having drinks with friends I used to work with, and they never call, and if I blow them off, that's it.
I'm dead to them.
No, I can't call Patty Binks.
Because she steals things.
Damn it, Christie, you're 13.
You got a lot of trips to the mall ahead of you.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I raised my boys.
-- I'm calm.
I'm starting to think this is about money.
So what is it that will make it worth your while? $100? That's extorsion! There's no way in hell that I-- Hello? Hello? Parker, I swear I will spank you! Knock it off! Hi, Mrs Binks.
Is Patty there? Thank you.
Hi honey, I'm back.
Hey sweetie.
This is Mr Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital.
Oh, have we met? Yes, Mrs Solís.
We've met.
Don't you remember? Was that when Mamá died? Apparently, the hospital was negligent and agreed to a 7-figure settlement cheque.
A cheque I was never told about.
Oh, that! Uh-- Mr Steinberg-- I was just leaving.
What were you thinking?! Wait! Let me explain! No! Why the hell didn't you tell me? Because I couldn't trust you to make the right decision.
The right decision was to use that money for my lawyers.
We could have bought the indictment, and I wouldn't have had to take a plea bargain.
If you didn't take the plea deal, the Government would have seized the settlement.
Ow, we could have bought that at court.
Exactly, and then you would have blown all the money into the lawyers! Who cares? If there was a chance that I'd have to go to jail? You had Laotian convicts sowing casual wear for 2¢/h.
Don't you think you deserve a time out? I'm going away for 8 months! And when you get out, we have money to start over with.
Thanks to me.
You know, once you calm down you'll realize I did the right thing.
And when that happens, I'd appreciate an apology.
Grandma's here! Now that is just perfect.
Stay put.
I'm so sorry-- Hey, Mom! Hey Susan.
I goofed.
What happened? Oh, you know me.
No depth perception whatsoever.
Some day I gonna shoot my licence.
So you're Susan's mom? Yeah.
I'm Sophie Bremer.
And you are? Mike Delfino.
Oh! You're Mike? Oh my god! Susan's told me so much about you! Don't you stand there, give me a hug! Mom-- Mike and I aren't-- together anymore.
Oh.
Sorry.
I guess I just made this very awkward, ha? Yeah, you really did.
So let's call your insurance company.
Well-- it's nice meeting you anyway, Mike.
You too.
And I'd never guessed that you're Susan's mom.
I know.
I look too young.
I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager.
OK.
That was the first time I got drunk.
Ever.
Can you believe it? Let's go.
Her father was a Marine.
Afterwards, he gave me three of his medals.
Mom! Let's just go inside and call the insurance company.
All right.
What are you smiling about? I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are.
They're all just answered.
Hi! Hi! Hi! What's going on? Oh, um-- My babysitter cancelled.
Oh Lynette, I-- I'm so swamped today.
My house is a mess, and I've got millions of errands to run, so-- Please, hear me out.
This is important.
Today I have a chance to rejoin the human race for a few hours.
There are actual adults waiting for me with Margaritas.
Look, I'm in a dress! I have make-up on! If it were any other day-- - For god's sakes, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose! Bring them in.
Thank you, thank you.
OK, in you go! And then the police showed me his mugshot.
- No! Yes! Mike served time for selling drugs and manslaughter.
I can't believe it.
- Well, it's true.
He has such nice manners, you know? I know.
Suzie-- I don't want you worrying too much about this Mike thing.
The right man will come along.
Just give it time.
I think I would have given up entirely if it weren't for you and Morty.
Morty? - Yeah, you know-- It's the 3rd time round for both of you, and you're really clicking.
Gives me hope.
What's wrong? Nothing, nothing.
I'm just-- tired.
You're not tired.
You took a nap.
What is it? I left Morty.
What? Why? Because he shoved me.
Morty? No! You think I'm lying? Fine! Why would he shove you? Because I confronted him about how much time he was spending at that damn pancake restaurant.
If that's where he's really been.
You can't be serious.
Morty? You think men his age don't have needs? You should see the waitresses he hires.
Every year they get younger and younger.
Maybe you just feel that way because every year you get older and older.
That's a horrible thing to say.
I'm sorry.
I'm not that old.
I said I was sorry.
People think we are sisters.
Well, that's 'cause you tell them that.
One time! You gotta like all that.
OK, look.
I'm just saying I don't think Morty cheated on you.
Well he did shove me.
The least you can do is be supportive.
You're right.
You're right! He also threw a book at me.
Oh come on! I mean-- he shouldn't have done that.
Thank you.
Porter, honey, those cookies are hot.
Wait a few minutes, I'll give you one when they're cool, OK? Um-- you know, pictures are prettier if you color inside the lines.
Well, art is subjective.
Porter! What did I tell you? But I'm hungry! Then I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.
Ew, barf! Don't be common, young man! Now come on.
If you play around with those cookies one more time, I'm gonna have to spank you! We don't get spanked.
- Really? Mummy always says she's gonna, but she never does.
Well, I am not your mummy, and if you misbehave in my house, you will get spanked.
So be good.
It was an accident! Porter, I warned you.
I'm sorry.
I'll be good.
Those cookies were made from scratch.
Your fate is sealed! Come here.
- No, no! Ow! Ow! Ow! Owwww! What's that? It's called a postnuptial agreement.
It's a legal document that-- I know what a postnup is.
What is it doing on my coffee table? Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement cheque, if I'm sure that you'll really be around when I get out of jail.
Hm.
And the postnup changes the terms of the prenup, so-- So if you try and divorce me while I'm gone, you get nothing.
You don't trust me? Free, no.
Well, that's too bad, because I'm not signing that paper.
You're a very beautiful woman, Gabrielle, but-- you're not very bright.
See, if you don't sign it, I'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you, and then you get about 50% of our current savings, which is basically nothing.
So what do you expect to happen now, Carlos? I sign the paper and jump right back into your arms? It doesn't mean that I don't love you.
I think you're the perfect woman.
Oh, but I'm not.
I have flaws.
Flaws? - M-hm.
I'll give you an example.
Remember when you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment? And you told me to burn the papers that I found in there? Well, me being pretty and therefore stupid, I forgot.
You didn't burn the papers.
Worse.
I read them.
OK-- You have some nerve talking to me about trust when you have a secret bank account on the Cayman Islands! That was a safety net for both of us! I'll bet.
Have you told anyone else about this? No.
But I could.
Hey, isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you? They couldn't find the profits you made.
So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words "divorce", "trust", "postnup" ever again.
You don't want to piss me off.
I know, baby.
It hurts to lose.
Ante up.
Well, look at me! Finally in at one of your legendary Poker Parties.
Susan's always telling me how much fun you girls have.
The rules are simple: We play for cash, the dealer picks the game, and unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged.
- Aaah! Bree, thanks again for watching my boys.
Sure they weren't too much to handle? Oh, no.
We had a wonderful time.
Although I think Porter had a little less fun.
OK, I'll bet.
Sophie, Susan said you guys are going to the spa tomorrow? All day? What do you mean, Porter had less fun? I'll raise.
He was misbehaving, so I had to punish him.
So, yes! Susan is treating me to an entire day of If you say punishment, what exactly are we talking about? Well, I had to spank him.
OK, I will re-raise.
You spanked my son? Las Brisas spa.
Yep, that's where we're going! Lynette, is there a problem? Tom and I don't believe in hitting our kids.
I thought you knew that.
Sorry.
I didn't know.
It won't happen again.
Of course, I'm somewhat surprised you don't spank them.
Everybody knows they're a little bit-- out of control.
I'm just dragging today.
Should we put on another pot of coffee? Yeah, I'll do it.
I'll-- I fold.
Yeah, you're right, Bree.
I've got a lot to learn about parenting.
I feel blessed to get sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you.
I mean, your kids turned out perfect.
As long as you don't count Andrew.
Where is he again? Hm? Some kind of, uh-- boot camp for juvenile delinquents? OK, girls.
I never said I was perfect.
Oh honey, nobody's blaming you.
- The hell I'm not.
Lynette! If you will excuse me.
Lynette, won't you go after her? She spanked my son.
I'm not apologizing.
Usually poker is more fun than this.
Help me.
If you don't back me up on this, I will lose it.
Yes, Bree shouldn't have spanked Porter, but-- it's not like she hurt him.
That is not the point.
You don't spank other people's children! He was misbehaving.
She had to do something.
B-but make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line.
Yeah, you're damn right, she could've tried something else, like a time-out.
Or she could've simply threatened to spank him.
Yeah.
'Cause that works out so well when we do it.
It does work.
Most of the time.
It used to work.
They figured out it's an empty threat.
They're on to us.
My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me.
And I won't do it.
I will not become my mother.
Fine.
But the boys are getting older and smarter.
And eventually --believe me-- they'll figure out that they outnumber us.
And then-- - We're screwed.
Exactly.
Excuse me, Zachary.
Would you mind helping me with these bags? There's some banana bread in it for you if you do.
Uh-- yeah, sure.
Hm.
This is really good, Mrs Tilman.
Thanks a lot.
You're welcome, Zachary.
I've never actually been in Mrs Huber's house before.
Obviously you haven't missed much.
This is the place where good taste goes to die.
So-- I heard you and your father arguing the other day.
Evetrything all right at home? Yeah.
We just have-- problems sometimes.
I bet you miss your mother.
I'm sure things were different when she was alive.
Such a warm, loving woman.
You-- knew my mother? Yup.
Years ago, in Utah.
We worked together.
I didn't know that.
It's true.
In fact-- I'll tell you a secret.
I once met you when you were a little baby.
Really? M-hm.
Your mother loved you so much, Zachary.
Of all the things I remember, I remember that the most.
You want to know what else I remember? How lovely your original name was.
Dana.
Isn't this nice.
Just the two of us girls hanging out, getting pretty.
Aw, thank you! - My pleasure.
So-- I was thinking maybe you should call Morty.
You know, to start working things out? Why would I want to work things out with a man who abuses me? Oh, you don't have to gasp.
My mother-- exaggerates.
She won't be happy till I have bruises.
OK, um-- can we just focus? What I want to know is, have you thought about what'll happen if you don't go back to Morty? What do you mean? You don't have a place to live, you don't like to work, you didn't want to marry Morty, so he doesn't have to pay you alimony-- if you don't go back to this man who allegedly shoved you once in 5 years, what are your options? I thought I could live with you.
What? Oh my god, are you all right? Get away! - I'm so sorry-- Lean back.
I'm not saying permanently.
Just for a couple of years.
You broge by dose! No, no, it's just banged a little.
Till I get back on my feet.
- Can we talk about this later? Should we call 911? No, it's just a nosebleed.
She's fine.
Won't you be excited by the idea? It's not that I'm not excited.
I'm not stupid, Susan.
It's obvious you don't want me here.
No, that's not true! Mom-- Don't go! Mom, come back! I need to-- We're good, right? Just go! Why aren't you dressed yet? I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, and then I realized-- I don't know what it is.
I think the fact you decided to come at all would make him happy.
Yours is blue.
Danielle loves pink.
And I have no idea what my own son's favorite color is.
I'm telling you, it doesn't matter.
How can you say that? Of course it matters! Bree-- - That is what makes a good mother! Someone who knows their child inside and out, so that if they get in trouble, they know what to do.
I don't know him well enough.
You are a good mother.
Brown or green or-- just don't know.
I'll wait in the car.
Whenever you're ready.
Green.
I'll go with the green.
Everybody loves green.
Told you.
I'm not signing this.
Oh, I think you are.
Because if you don't-- I will divorce you.
Then I'll go to the police.
And tell them what? That there's a secret bank account on the Cayman Islands that no longer exists? You moved the money? - Of course I moved the money.
But-- that was risky! The Feds are watching you right now.
I had to do something.
Couldn't let you make a fool out of me.
Stop, Carlos! Stop it! Put me down! - OK.
Put me down-- Let me go! Stop! You're hurting me, Carlos! Sign it.
SIGN IT! I know, baby.
It hurts to lose.
Mr and Ms Van de Kamp? Uh, yes.
Is it our turn? Well, uh-- sort of.
Andrew's waiting inside, but-- What's wrong? He said he won't go forward with the session if-- his mother is about.
He only wants to talk to his dad.
We drove 200 miles to be here today.
This is unacceptable.
I share your frustration.
To hell with him then.
We're going home.
No.
- I won't let him insult you like this! He blames me for his being here.
He blames me for everything.
And he's probably right.
Any mistakes made were made by both of us.
One of us should go talk to him, see how he is.
I'm OK.
Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Right this way.
Mom! Mom!! - I'm coming.
What is it? Why aren't you guys brushing your teeth? Parker, what happened? Porter pushed me and it fell in! - He pushed me first! Can I flush it? No, I'll fish it out later.
You're off the hook for tonight.
But not you two, so start brushing.
Preston, did you not hear me? Start brushing your teeth! What are you doing? Don't You Dare.
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! - Preston, don't listen to them.
Back away from the toilet, and no one gets hurt.
I mean it this time! These are not just words! If you do this, so help me-- Hearing the hollowness of her own voice, Lynette realized that it was time to get one step ahead.
I will walk you over to Mrs Van de Kamp's, and we all know what happens when she gets mad.
Now go brush your teeth, and I want them to sparkle! Go on! Sorry you had to bring your kid back.
What happened this time? Well, a couple of months back I caught Ty going through my purse.
Hard bacon have you got.
Was he looking for real money? Who knows at this point.
Anyway, I knocked a couple back and things got heated, pretty soon we're both screaming, throwing stuff around the apartment-- Next thing you know, the lady upstairs calls the cops on us.
Aw, gimme a break.
So now I got some social worker trying to tell me how to raise my boy.
Kids.
If I knew then what I know now, I'd have had that hysterectomy 20 years ago.
Bree-- - Don't get up.
I'll be quick.
Andrew.
All any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools to succeed in life.
Education, love, a good clean safe home.
I have given you those things, and I am through feeling guilty.
So if you want to piss your life away and blame it on how horrible things are, go ahead.
But I want it stated for the record that I am a good mother.
Did you hear me? I -- am a good -- mother.
Bree.
Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay.
What? That's why he wanted me to come in first.
He thought I could take it better.
Well, that's right.
I will be waiting in the car.
Mrs Solís! Where are you going to? OK-- Are your roommates here? - No.
Are you OK? - Yeah.
What's this? - That-- uh-- Carlos just got a little rough.
Made me sign some paper.
Did he hurt you? John, what are you doing? I'll take care of this.
You won't do anything.
We won't let him get away with this.
You really want to get back on him? Then kiss me.
How's that gonna help? - Does.
One day, when the time is right, I'll tell him how he drove me right into your arms.
And that will kill him.
And tonight-- whatever you do, don't call me beautiful.
Oh Morty, look who's here! Hey Molly, hi.
Suzie, what brings you here? Mom.
She's right over there.
What's she doing out there? She says she won't come in until you go out and apologize.
But for what? For shoving her.
I only shoved her 'cause she wouldn't stop hitting me.
Why was she hitting you? I threw-- threw a book at her.
Morty! - It was a paperback! Even so! - At least I missed.
And she-- she hit me square in the gut.
Wanna see the bruise? - That's OK.
It really hurt.
- I understand.
So-- could you just go out and apologize? No.
- Why? 'Cause I don't want her back.
Morty? - Look, I'd love her.
But-- the pancake shack is just starting to take off.
We're talking about hooking in another one.
That's practically a chain.
I don't have time for her hysterics.
I sympathize, I really do.
But you have to take her back.
Why? - Because she wants to move in with me.
Oh.
Morty, I'd like to have a relationship again, and at my age, with the kid-- If she moves into my house, even for a couple of years, I'm doomed.
Wasn't there a plum-- Your mother said you're in love with a plumber.
I am.
I mean, I was.
It didn't work out.
- I'm sorry.
And she will burn up all my oxygen, and I need it.
Please, can't you give her another chance? You guys are really good together.
You know, when-- when there's no violence.
We do have chemistry.
- Absolutely.
And the sex was like-- wow.
There was this one time we were coming home on the Interstate-- You don't have to sell me.
Just go talk to her.
Now.
OK.
That was a mighty big sigh.
I just keep thinking it's coming nearer and I can't stop it.
- What? The day my mother will need to move in with me, and I won't have a choice.
Mhm.
- You know, it's years away.
She's youthful and vibrant, thank god.
But time flies.
One day, she won't be able to take care of herself anymore and I have to step up.
- I suppose that's true.
It's nature's little joke that children ultimately end up parenting their parents.
When that day comes, I'll be ready.
Honey, you better get out there.
Hey.
I just wanted to apologize.
- Lynette.
Don't.
The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me.
And if anyone here should apologize, it's me.
Thank you.
Looks like Tom's got the mob under control.
You want to have some coffee? Sit around-- bitch about that case-- I would love to.
- OK.
Children come into the world with their own agendas.
Some, to brighten our days.
Some, to test our patience.
Some, to give us purpose.
Some, to take care of us.
Yes, when they come, children change everything.
Especially when they're not invited.