Mike & Molly s01e18 Episode Script

I'm not gonna make it over tonight, sweetie.
Yeah, I gotta pull another double shift.
The snowstorm's left us shorthanded and somebody's gotta keep the city from crumbling into anarchy and mob rule.
Hand me the Pringles.
No, no, the Ranch.
I'll see you tomorrow when I get off of work.
I love you too.
Poor thing.
She really misses me.
Life with a police officer is a life of sacrifice.
That's why I've chosen not to enter into a relationship.
It isn't fair to the woman.
I see.
Nothing to do with her being unwilling to climb into your window after your grandma falls asleep? If a woman's not willing to shimmy up a pipe to get a little taste of Carl McMillan, then she's too full of herself anyway.
You know what? If we're gonna be here for a while, I'm gonna kick my shoes off.
Nuh-uh.
Leave those nasty things on.
I don't wanna be breathing your stanky foot funk.
My socks got wet pushing that car out of the ditch and I don't wanna catch a cold.
You're gonna air them out over the vents? You might as well just stick your toes in my nostrils.
I told you to wear your galoshes.
I don't like the galoshes.
Compromise the dignity of the uniform.
Right.
Kind of like that big glob of pickle relish you got on your badge.
It's salsa.
Regardless, I'd prefer you leave your shoes on.
Bad enough smelling your breath, armpits and backside.
Don't need to be adding the smell of your feet and my vomit to the mix.
I hate to tell you, but after a double shift, you're not a romp in a flowery meadow.
Hey, every time we've stopped, I've brushed my teeth, washed my face and splashed on drops of my signature scent.
Yeah, let's talk about your signature scent.
What is it, exactly? Because it smells like the inside of a hamster cage.
That's the cedar bark.
It also contains sandalwood, clove and a hint of jasmine.
But those aromatic subtleties are lost on a man who has two blocks of Parmesan cheese for feet.
Fine.
Let's stop at a drugstore and I'll buy some new socks.
You need to buy some new feet.
Know what? Screw it.
The shoes are coming off.
I'm opening all the windows.
Fine.
It's 10 below.
We'll both just freeze to death.
I'd rather freeze than die from a bad case of Parmesan-foot lung.
Hey, whatever.
Doesn't bother me.
- Doesn't bother me.
- Hey, I like the cold.
- Turn on the air conditioner.
- Don't think I won't.
- Do it.
- I'm gonna.
What are you doing? It's 10 below out here.
Well, it's 4:59 in here and we don't open until 5.
We have a battering ram in the car.
And I've got French toast in the back, so play nice.
Come on.
Morning, gentlemen.
Do you have a reservation? - I don't wanna sit here.
- Why not? Close to the door.
I prefer a booth.
Fine.
We'll do whatever you want.
Like we always do.
Really? We always do what I want? That's why we gotta listen to bluegrass music every night? It's not bluegrass, it's roots music.
Ain't my roots.
Just a bunch of hillbillies with banjos complaining about the train being late.
Where's that train? She's on that train I missed that train Train, train, train If you don't like my music, get another ride to work.
It wasn't my idea to carpool.
It would save money with both of us paying for gas.
And it would, if we were both actually paying for gas.
Unfortunately, your wallet and pants are like Superman and Clark Kent.
Never in the same place at the same time.
I'm not gonna apologize for being frugal.
Frugal? You live rent free at your grandma's house and she even cuts your hair.
Cutting my hair brings that old woman a lot of joy.
Nana cuts the straightest lines in town.
I'd be a fool to bring my business elsewhere.
Don't you think it's a little weird, a grown man living with his grandmother? - I don't live with her, she lives with me.
- Her house.
Yes, which I'll inherit when she dies.
As long as we're asking tough questions, let me ask you something.
How are you so? Fat? Is that what you wanna know? No, I was gonna say "bullheaded.
" I spend all day in the car with you, I know why you're so fat.
Just because I'm overweight, you think you're better than me.
Not at everything, foot racing, swimming, climbing getting in the car, getting out of the car picking up a quarter, pushing a plate away.
That's it.
I'm switching tables.
Oh, and deny me your witty conversation and brilliant repartee? - I'm done talking to you.
- I was done talking to you first.
You always gotta get the last word in? Sure as hell not gonna get the last doughnut.
Oh, good.
Spread the crappy tip over two tables.
I hope the lasagna's okay.
It's all fat-free.
I used three different types of cheeses and diced up fresh tomatoes and garlic for the sauce.
It's fine.
Well, that's what I was shooting for.
"Fine.
" Last chance to throw in "and dandy" just to keep a girl from hanging herself.
What? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's great and I appreciate you going to all the trouble.
Well, you've been working really hard lately.
Do criminals actually venture out in this kind of weather? Not really.
Today was mostly assisting stranded motorists and helping an old lady chip her frozen cat out of a tree.
Oh, my God, please tell me that didn't actually happen.
Wish I could.
We ended up sawing off the branch and leaving it on her porch.
I, for one, appreciate the fact that there are brave men like you out there protecting us.
The real challenge is being stuck in a car with Carl all day.
He's always pushing my buttons, picking away, trying to get my goat.
Pick, pick, pick.
Well, the important thing is you're here now and we're together.
Hey, I had quite the adventure myself today.
We got this new vice principal Know what Carl was giving me a hard time about? I don't.
My feet.
He said my feet smell like cheese.
Parmesan.
Yeah.
But they don't, do they? No.
God, no.
I don't know how much longer I can put up with him.
He's starting to drive me crazy.
I understand.
But when you start to feel yourself getting mad just remember that he's tired and overworked and probably just needs somebody to vent to.
So do I, but I choose not to.
I suffer in silence.
True.
If it gets too bad, you've the option of venting to me.
Oh, I would never do that.
Our time together is precious.
Well, Carl's not the stoic rock that you are, sweetie.
And he doesn't have a regular girlfriend.
I know, I'm all he's got.
Poor little loser.
Be patient with him.
And be the bigger man.
And when he starts to drive you crazy, just take a deep breath and try and remember that you love him.
It's not gonna be easy.
Trust me, it's not.
Now, is there anything I can do to take care of my big, strong, hardworking man? Boy, after dinner I'd sure love a foot rub.
Oh, come on.
You can do better than that.
I said, anything.
Please.
Just remember, if you do start to slide, don't panic and just turn into the skid.
Carl, I know how to operate a motor vehicle.
Mm-hm.
You scored a 62 on your police driver's test.
Give me a break, I knocked down one cone.
Could have been an old lady or a baby.
How many babies you see just laying in the middle of the road? One is all it takes.
Not supposed to talk on your cell phone.
I'll keep it short, okay? Doesn't matter.
Against the law in the city of Chicago.
Uh-huh.
So is murder.
Hey, sweetie.
Just being with you makes me an accessory.
Oh, yeah, that'll be great.
Sounds like fun.
Very thoughtful, I could use a little break.
I love you too.
I'll see you tonight.
What are you talking about? I signed us up for double shift.
I can't do it.
Molly wants to take me to The Drake Hotel for a little getaway.
Tell her you can't go.
I can't call her back.
It's against the law in the city of Chicago.
Double golden time.
Don't turn your back on that kind of money.
I'm sorry.
Unlike you, I'm not ruled by the almighty dollar.
Ruled by the almighty girlfriend.
Hey, I do what I want.
She's not the boss of me.
- Watch the road.
- I am.
Uh-oh.
Turn into it.
Turn into it.
Don't tell me how to drive.
What are you doing? "Hey, Carl.
Why don't you let me drive today? That way you can relax a little.
" You distracted the driver of the vehicle.
We were having a conversation.
I didn't throw a snake at you.
Why don't you just admit that you're a crappy driver? I'm not gonna let you get to me today, Carl.
Because I'm the bigger man here.
You're the bigger man everywhere.
You notice the car didn't tip over on my side.
Okay, you need to vent, go ahead.
But it's not gonna change the fact that you're a loser and need a life.
- Who you calling loser? Molly was right.
You're lonely, don't have a girlfriend, you dump your crap on me.
Now you're bad-mouthing me to your girlfriend.
That's what you do when you're in a healthy relationship.
You wouldn't know that because I'm all you've got.
And this is not healthy.
You know what? To hell with you.
I'm out of here.
Man, get off of me! I wouldn't if you didn't put the car in a ditch.
- Shut up! - You shut up! Boy, I hope he's okay.
What time was he supposed to pick you up? About an hour ago.
Did you try calling him? Just getting voicemail.
Can't listen to "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" one more time.
Maybe he's late because he had to stop a bank heist or defuse a bomb.
I dated a cop once.
It happened to him all the time.
And it was weird because he was a mall cop.
It was weird, but I think we're straying from the topic at hand.
We had a topic? Good for us.
I just hope this little weekend getaway, you know, helps relax him.
He's been so stressed out lately.
And he just comes home and eats and dumps his day on me.
Vince does that to me constantly.
How do you deal with it? Well, I try to remember that men are ruled by testosterone which is essentially a poison.
Uh-huh.
So when you get that big, loud mouth jabbering in your face you just say to yourself, "This is a sick individual.
He is suffering from semen brain.
" Oh, Mom, I don't know what I'd do without your folksy wisdom.
Oh, my God.
Mike, what happened? I had a little car accident.
It's nothing.
Paramedics made me wear this thing.
Do you have whiplash? That can be pretty serious.
No, nothing like that.
Carl stepped on my neck climbing out of the car.
Oh, look, they have a spa here.
Wouldn't it be fun to get a couple's massage? Hot oil, scented candles, romantic music.
Eh.
What do you mean: "Eh.
" I don't like strangers touching me.
Laying naked on a table while some Ukrainian guy uses my ass as a speed bag.
Okay.
That's not how they describe it in the brochure.
He is never gonna let me forget putting that car in the ditch.
I hear him, "You're a lousy driver.
You knocked down the cone.
You killed the baby.
" A 62 is still a very respectable score.
Why don't we forget about Carl for tonight? I'm sure Monday morning, everything will be back to normal between you guys.
In the tow truck he said he wanted a new partner.
And you know what? Fine by me.
Good riddance.
Why don't you call him and settle this? You'll feel better when you do.
And let him think that he's ruining our romantic getaway? Huh-uh.
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Yeah, but he kind of is.
Oh, no, he's not.
I'm gonna take a nice, hot shower.
And I'm gonna make sweet love to my girlfriend.
Something Carl can't do because Carl doesn't have a girlfriend.
Carl's a loser and I'm a winner.
So drop your drawers, assume the position and get ready to make love to a winner! Get ready to make love to a pillow.
Carlton, you keep slamming doors and stomping around and I'm coming up there with my King James Bible and a whipping belt.
Lord, give me patience or an untraceable handgun.
- Hi, I'm not sure if you remember - You're Michael's lady friend.
- Yeah, Molly.
- Of course.
Come on in, baby.
Oh, don't tell me those two idiots dragged you into this childishness.
Any idea what they're fighting about? Because Mike's not making any sense.
Well, whatever it is, I guarantee you it's stupid.
Sit down.
Last time they had a big fight like this it was over Popeyes Chicken versus Kentucky Fried.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
And that one could only be resolved with a blind taste test.
Then after all that mess they both ended up choosing the other one's chicken.
How often do they have fights like this? A couple times a year.
Usually during a cold snap or a heat wave.
They stay cooped up in that squad car too long they start going at each other like two monkeys having a poop fight.
What's going on down here? Like he wasn't sitting on the top step listening to every word.
- Hey, Carl.
- Look, if you're here to apologize for your boyfriend, I'm not interested.
- Not why I'm here.
Man said some very hurtful things.
Malicious things.
Insinuating that I'm cheap.
Cheap? Boy wears his underwear until it disintegrates.
Like trying to wash cobwebs.
Look, all I know is I'm trying to have a romantic weekend with Mike and all he can talk about is you.
Really? Is that a source of pride for you, you masturbating knucklehead? Boy's so cheap he's got magazines dating back to pubic hair.
Okay, well, let's not open that can of worms, but Look, I was just hoping that you guys could, you know, work this out.
You heard her.
Pick up the phone right now and put an end to this mess.
Just because he has a girlfriend I'm the one to apologize? No, you're gonna apologize because it's the Christian thing to do.
And if you don't, I'm gonna part your behind like it's the Red Sea and my foot is Moses.
You know what? I don't have to stand here and take this.
All right, sit down if you want, because I'm just warming up.
A man should be treated with respect in his own house.
Well, if you ever get one and I'm ever in it, I'll do that.
You have somewhere you need to get to, or would you like to have a cup of tea? I'd love a cup of tea.
- All right, coming right up.
- Mm-hm.
Molly? Where you been? Did you forget your key? Ugh.
Sending your girlfriend to fight your fights for you now? What? Molly went to your house? Don't act surprised.
It belittles us both.
I had no idea she was gonna go over there.
We used to settle our quarrels man-to-man, face-to-face, with the occasional taste test.
But none of this sending a woman over singing sad songs of erectile dysfunction.
- She didn't do that.
- Yes, she did.
Hey, as soon as I got out of the shower I was gonna give it to her good.
I'm telling you what she said.
That you couldn't perform your manly duties because you were thinking about me.
I sent Molly to tell you and your grandma that I couldn't deliver the mail? Does that sound like a good plan to you? That's why I came to discuss it.
I thought it was ill-advised.
Man, I don't know what's in her head lately.
I mean, I know she's been missing me, but I had no idea she'd go rogue.
We should probably minimize these double shifts so she doesn't go completely off the deep end.
I'm sorry if she upset you.
It was just startling more than anything.
Man, this room is nice.
Yeah, there's a Jacuzzi tub, a phone and a TV in the crapper.
Mini bar? Fully stocked.
Except for the peanut M&M's and Toblerone.
Oh, man, St.
Pauli Girl.
Grab two.
We'll watch the new Russell Crowe movie.
I can't remember the last time we went to a movie together.
I do.
It was Avatar.
I paid because you left your wallet at home.
- All right, I'll give you the money right now.
- Forget it, it's my treat.
Hey, look, we could get a couple's massage.
Hot oil, scented candles We could also adopt a Chinese baby.
Let's start with the movie and see where it goes.
This is nice.
Next time I get a regular girlfriend, I'm gonna bring her here.
You should.
These little getaways are important for a relationship.
Oh.
Carl, you're here.
Looks like you made up.
Maybe a little more than I'm comfortable with.
No, we were just watching a movie.
You wanna join us? We can scooch over.
No, you boys enjoy yourselves.
I'm gonna take a hot shower and by the time I get out, I want this side of the bed to be empty.
Got it.
- You landed a good one there, man.
- Yeah, she's a sweetheart.
The second you hear that water turn off, you better have your ass in the elevator.