Roseanne s01e18 Episode Script

here, mom.
add these.
well, that's just what these triple-fudge brownies need: more chocolate.
what are the other girls bringing to the slumber party? insulin? mother, please.
hey, beck, check it out.
- what is it? - it's an 8-track.
it's like a blast from the past, man.
mother, tell your husband these are the '80S.
well, becky, i guess you're old enough to know the grim truth.
rOSEANNE: your father is frozen in time.
we're just gonna skip the '80S and try to thaw him out in the '90S.
go ahead and take it.
it'll be trippy.
i'm gonna go pack.
far out! hey, what time's your game? i don't know.
around 3:00.
- how's the arm, sport? - okay, i guess.
hey, i'm all set for the game.
hey, now, batter! hey, batter! we better! we better! we batter! - hold it.
- what now? the lanford lightning bolt ain't going no place without breakfast.
i'm just going out to the garage to get my glove, okay? you know, it comes to me, dan, that our middle child is kind of, how do you say, out of sorts.
pregame jitters.
i used to get 'em myself.
all your great ones do.
yeah, well, how soon before the game do these here jitters set in? 'cause she's been flying off the handle for two weeks.
seems like business as usual to me.
well, guess again.
darlene the chocolate queen just walked by a plate of triple fudge brownies without even breaking stride.
she's in training, babe.
well, thank you, the amazing conner, for unraveling yet another sports-related mystery.
yeah, first you're gonna field some breakfast.
- fine.
- hey, kiddo.
don't worry about it.
it's okay.
but i'm gonna be there.
can't you guys just leave me alone? i don't need you there to watch me pitch.
pitch, pitch, pitch.
all she ever does is pitch.
where's mom? she and d.
j.
went to wash the car.
- she say when she'd be back? - nope.
she say anything about coming to my game? - not to me.
why? - nothing.
will you be mad if she misses the game? my life would be perfect if she missed the game.
it's already halfway perfect.
dad's not gonna be there.
they gettin' on your nerves? becky, every time they come to one of my games, dad just starts yelling, "we better! we better! we better! swing, batter!" and mom- she throws sno-cones at the umpire.
she does not.
she did once.
i'm telling you, they're complete nerds.
hey, wait'll you start dating, and dad asks the guy you're going out with if he has popcorn money.
i'm not dating, ever.
it doesn't matter.
they'll always find a way to embarrass you, believe me.
it's not fair.
i mean, parents are supposed to stay in the house.
except when they're driving you somewhere, and then they're just supposed to drop you off and go away.
in a perfect world, darlene, in a perfect world.
i mean, look what dad wanted me to take to dianne's.
what's that? like a blast from the past, man.
they can't be our real parents.
nerd alert, nerd alert.
becky, you gotta help me.
i don't want mom to come to my game.
d.
j.
: i'm gonna go watch tv.
darlene, what did i tell you i was gonna do if i found these on the couch again? look, just give me the shoes and hold the lecture.
- darlene! - listen, miss smart mouth.
you're not even gonna be needing those shoes, 'cause you're not gonna play baseball again till you're 58! fine with me, i don't wanna play anyway if you're gonna be there.
did you ever throw a sno-cone at an umpire? you weren't there.
you didn't see the call.
- i'm here.
- me too.
- aunt jackie, you brought it.
- yes.
do you remember the sleeping bag? oh, my god, you still have that thing? yes.
mom gave this to me when i moved out, in case i needed a place to stay for the rest of my life.
there are cowgirls all over it.
becky, those aren't just cowgirls.
that is the cowgirl.
that's annie oakley.
there is no way i'm taking that to my slumber party.
i guarantee you, no one will have one like this.
yeah, including me.
i'd rather sleep in a trash bag.
well, they're under the sink.
you'd better take two.
oh, mother.
jeez.
oh, if this bag could talk.
i'd cut its tongue out, i would.
you remember how much we hated this thing when mom brought it back from that yard sale? they could've at least turned off the sprinklers.
give me a break! i thought you were going to darlene's ballgame.
well, darlene and i aren't exactly talking these days.
- we're yelling.
- but you both do it so well.
yeah, and i usually enjoy it, but boy, lately she's driving me crazy.
oh, roseanne, she's 11.
you remember all the trouble we used to give mom? yeah, but mom deserved it.
whereas darlene has me, you know, and i'm the perfect mother.
oh, yeah, right.
i forgot.
i'm serious, jackie.
i'm the antithesis of everything mom stood for.
oh, darlene would be against you no matter what you stood for.
you're her mother.
i don't remember having this problem with becky.
sure you did.
becky was just too polite to say anything about it.
- really? - yeah.
but it's not just you.
it's dan too.
it's all parents.
you're just going through what is commonly known as the "i have no parents, i was hatched from an egg" syndrome.
- oh, i just can't wait till you have kids.
hello.
what happened? which hospital? i'll be right there.
no, she's not allergic to penicillin.
- what? - darlene's in the hospital.
- becky, get down here now! - what happened? - it's an appendicitis.
- how do we get in touch with dan? we can't.
there's no phone on the jobsite.
- want me to stay with the kids? - no, becky can watch d.
j.
you go with me.
- mom, what's wrong? - your sister's in the hospital with an appendicitis.
- oh, no, what do you wanna do? - darlene's in the hospital? - oh, she'll be okay, honey.
you stay here with d.
j.
- i'm gonna go start the car.
and when dad gets home, tell him me and jackie are in county hospital emergency room.
- okay.
- i wanna go with you.
- rOSEANNE: you can't, honey.
- yeah, d.
j.
, you and me gotta stay here and give this note to daddy, okay? - i wanna go with mom! - i'm counting on you, becky.
mom! deej, come on.
i'll let you have some more brownies, okay? mrs.
conner? ted graham, darlene's baseball coach.
oh, ted, hi.
how is she? i don't know, they won't tell me anything.
well, they're sure as hell gonna tell me.
look, we are trying to find somebody who speaks whatever it is you're speaking.
i can't find the blank insurance forms.
i'm roseanne conner.
i'd like to see my daughter.
for the third time: file cabinet, top drawer.
conner? conner.
right.
darlene conner.
- what happened? - i don't know.
she was out there on the mound, she was having a good day.
she was three innings into a no-hitter, and then, boom, she went down like a ton of bricks.
here you go, mrs.
chambers.
all done.
- great.
- i'd like to see my daughter.
darlene's being prepped for surgery.
dr.
bryce will take you to see her.
well, now, how's darlene doing? we haven't been advised of her condition.
dr.
bryce to emergency, please.
mrs.
conner, is there anything else i can do? no, we'll be okay, but i really appreciate your coming down here with her.
- tell her she got the win.
- thanks, i'll tell her.
wOMAN ON p.
a.
: dR.
wAGNER, PLEASE CALL EXTENSION 32.
dR.
wAGNER, PLEASE CALL EXTENSION 32.
- how is she? - they're getting her ready for surgery.
- you seen her? - no.
- are they gonna let us see her? - soon as the doctor gets here, and she's on her way.
- how you doing? - been better.
come here.
wOMAN ON p.
a.
dR.
sTEINFELD TO EMERGENCY.
oh, god.
hey, hey.
- lake ranoma.
- what? what was it, five years ago we were up in that cabin and becky had the lung infection, and we thought- - well, we both know what we thought.
we got through that, right? okay, this is just like lake ranoma.
- okay.
- okay.
mr.
and mrs.
conner? yeah? hi, i'm dr.
bryce.
i'll be operating on darlene.
- can we see her? - that's not possible.
she's being taken in to s- - well, they said we could see her.
- mr.
and mrs.
conner, this is the situation.
darlene's appendix has ruptured, causing her to run a fever.
now under normal circumstances, we try to bring the fever down before we operate.
- but? - but there appears to be an obstruction of the intestines, which means we can't wait for the fever to come down.
- we have to operate now.
- is that dangerous? i mean, is it dangerous? i can't tell you not to worry.
you'll do that anyway.
i'm a parent too.
there are dangers associated with any surgery, but i can assure you that this is not an uncommon procedure.
how long does it take? well, it usually takes about two hours.
and when it's over, i'll come out, i'll talk to you, and then you can see darlene in the recovery room.
- she's gonna be all right.
- yeah.
yeah.
they probably do this not on our daughter.
darlene have chickenpox? yeah, november '83.
- you want some coffee, sis? - measles? - no, thanks.
- what? yeah, she had the m- just let me do it.
i don't know how you remember all this stuff.
- what stuff? - like when darlene had the mumps.
well, because she had the mumps the same time d.
j.
and becky had the mumps, dan.
- you don't forget three kids having simultaneous mumps.
- wOMAN: conner? - yeah, something wrong? - oh, no.
well, yes.
your insurance card's expired.
that can't be, dan.
i paid that bill last month.
- are you sure? - what do you mean, am i sure? i have the cancelled check at home.
why don't you just get those clowns on the phone? - there's an 800 number on the back.
- i'll call 'em.
no, you sit down.
i'll call 'em.
when you finish these forms, if you'd just return them to the admissions desk.
yeah, i'll do that.
i know the future of medical science depends on knowing my mother's maiden name.
i can't believe this.
my kid's in surgery, i'm sitting here taking my satS.
roseanne, just forget about the forms.
that's just their way of having people sit down and shut up.
well, whatever happened to ether? what are you talking about? my wife mailed you that check last month.
i don't know what day she mailed it, but i know you got it.
listen, i'm in a hospital where my kid's getting surgery.
i don't have the cancelled checks on me.
yeah, i'll hold.
oh, damn.
why this morning, of all mornings, did i have to yell at darlene? because she was being a pain in the butt.
oh, jackie, she's just being 11.
roseanne, yelling at darlene, that's like breathing.
it's just an involuntary response.
i still feel like the mom from hell.
well, there's only one solution to that.
you take a vow right this minute that you will never yell at darlene again in life, ever.
yeah, think of all the free time i'll have.
yes, i do.
no, no.
because you cashed it.
yeah, that's right, you cashed it.
and i have that cancelled check at home, because i balanced the checkbook last month, and i have it.
somebody there did, because i got a cancelled check at home with your company's name on it.
right, and just ask for the supervisor.
look, let me talk to somebody else there, all right? - yeah, i'll hold.
- here, honey.
here.
good luck.
hello, this is mrs.
conner.
c-o-n-n-e-r.
yeah.
"c" as in "cat," "o" as in "oaf," "n" as in "numskull," "n" as in "nitwit," "e" as in "empty-headed," "r" as in "target.
" i feel like i ought to be doing something.
well, i feel like that all the time, especially at work.
i feel totally useless.
i'm just sitting here, and darlene's getting operated on.
well, dan, what do you want to do, assist? - i just hate waiting.
- i hear you.
nobody hates waiting worse than me.
i'd bite other people's nails if they'd let me.
get away from me.
wOMAN ON p.
a.
: dR.
wAGNER, PLEASE CALL EXTENSION 32.
dR.
wAGNER.
how are you, my wife? is okay? you'd better take him up on it, jackie.
that's liable to be your last proposal.
no, what you mean to say here is, "how is my wife? is she okay?" - is she okay? - yeah, and then you take it to that desk over there, and good luck to you.
- she okay? - all right.
- mAN ON p.
a.
: nURSE bERMAN TO MATERNITY.
- what'd they say? - everything's okay.
they just spelled our name wrong.
- i'm gonna call becky.
- yeah, that's a good idea.
becky, help me find the piece for here.
d.
j.
, you're supposed to put the outside of the puzzle together first.
darlene said, always start with the dog's tail.
- okay, here.
- thanks.
- hello? - hi, honey.
it's daddy.
- is darlene okay? - yeah, she's gonna be fine.
how you guys doing? let me talk! - hi.
- who is this? dad, when you coming home? - it won't be long now, sport.
- okay, bye.
- hi.
- hi, sweetheart.
how you holding up? okay, i guess.
just okay? dad? - yeah, honey? - i'm a rotten sister.
what are you talking about, baby? you're a great sister.
no, i'm not.
yeah, sure you are, kid.
hey, who's been taking such great care of d.
j.
all afternoon? no, that's not what i mean.
i mean, i try to keep thinking about darlene, hoping she's okay and everything, but- but you start thinking about other stuff? yeah.
dumb stuff, like that stupid slumber party and chip.
well, honey, that doesn't mean you're a rotten sister.
it's just when your brain figures it's thought about something for too long, it switches over to something else so it doesn't overheat.
it's not gonna work, dad.
i'm not gonna laugh.
no, no, no, no, i'm just trying to say that if you think about something for too long, smoke will come out of your ears.
dad, quit it.
and steam will come out of your nose.
- daddy.
- fire'll shoot out of your mouth.
chippy-whippy will love that.
hell, i'll love it too.
i won't have to buy no more charcoal starter.
- hey, would you knock it off?! - what? that.
you're driving us crazy.
oh, come on, you guys.
dan, that operation's supposed to be over by now.
i'm gonna find out what's going on.
wOMAN ON p.
a.
: dR.
sTEINFELD TO EMERGENCY.
- excuse me.
- yes.
i'd like to know what's going on with my daughter.
- your daughter's name? - for the millionth time, it's darlene conner.
- oh, right, the appendectomy.
- no, wrong.
she's not an appendectomy, she's a little girl.
she's having an operation, and it's supposed to be over by 5:30.
if i had some answers, i would give them to you.
i ask one little question, what's happening with my kid, and nobody can tell me anything.
that's not a stupid question.
that's a question that deserves an answer.
it's a question any human being has a right to know.
well, what's going on with our kid? tell 'em, kiddo.
mr.
and mrs.
conner.
- is darlene all right? - she's fine.
so what am i yelling about? - she's in recovery.
- can we see her? well, she's just coming out of anesthesia, but i can take you in to see her.
- hey, jackie- - i'll call becky.
what are sisters for? damned if i know.
- mom? - yeah, honey.
how you doing, sport? - hi, dad.
- does it hurt? i can't really feel anything.
can you feel this? i'm really sorry.
sorry for what? about the way i've been acting.
i've been kind of a smart mouth.
well, you take after me.
yeah, darlene, it's kind of out of your hands.
it's just that sometimes- i don't know.
well, darlene, don't you think that i was 11? don't you think i had a mother? and i used to wish that there was some kind of machine where you could just do this.
and she'd disappear.
well, that's not exactly how i feel.
yeah, but you gotta admit that a gadget like that would come in handy sometimes.
you mean like at baseball games? look, when you don't want us around, you just tell us and we'll cry our hearts out and leave.
you're not going anywhere now, right? i mean, you're gonna stay right here.
oh, yeah, i'm here for the night.
i brought my sleeping bag.
thanks, mom.
i found it, darlene! what? the floor of your room! mother, please don't make me laugh.
i still have stitches, you know.
now, don't you think all that ice cream might spoil your midafternoon snack? hey, i need all the strength i can get.
you been home for a week now, darlene, and you're going to school tomorrow no matter what, so quit milking this thing.
nice bedside manner.
why, thank you.
now get your damn feet off my couch.
don't worry, i won't tarnish your beautiful fabric.
darlene, when you gonna stop being a smart mouth? mmm, three weeks from next tuesday.
what is your major malfunction, numskull? didn't your mommy and daddy give you enough love when you were growing up? please don't fall off that sofa and stain my beloved carpet.
that would break my beating heart.
now, why don't you get on board? why don't you get with a winner? climb on board, ride with us, we're going to victory! please take your sneakers off that couch, or you are wallpaper! am i being read clear? do you understand me, private conner? okay, i'm wallpaper.
now could you guys get out of here? oh, darlene, we are just so happy you're back to your old self.