Queer as Folk s01e19 Episode Script
Good Grief!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
?? BABY'S ON FIRE ?? [ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT? [ Sighing .]
WHAT? WHEN? [ Sighing .]
YEAH, I'LL BE THERE.
[ Groans of passion .]
EVERYTHING OKAY? YEAH, SOME- BODY DIED.
OH MY OH MY GOD! I'M REALLY SORRY.
M-MAYBE WE SHOULD GO.
YEAH.
WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP? [ Playful chuckles .]
[ ?????? .]
OKAY.
WHO WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH? THE PROFESSOR OR GILLIGAN? Ted: EASY.
PROFESSOR.
HE HAD THAT DEEP VOICE, THOSE PERFECTLY PRESSED SHIRTS.
YEAH, HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE HE FOUND A GOOD CLEANER ON THAT ISLAND? I CAN'T FIND ONE IN PITTSBURGH.
FRED FLINTSTONE, BARNEY RUBBLE? MMM, WE'RE TALKING A RELATIONSHIP OR JUST SEX? HMM, ONE NIGHT ONLY.
I HAVE TO GO WITH FRED.
HE'S A TOTAL BEAR.
[ Snickering .]
YEAH.
OKAY.
MR.
ROPER OR MR.
FURLEY? OH! MMMM.
TOUGH ONE.
I'M GOING TO GO WITH ROPER BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE AN AVERSION TO LOUD COLOURS ON ANYONE EXCEPT ME.
I NEED COFFEE.
OH, SOMEONE WAS UP FUCKING UNTIL THE WEE HOURS.
WAS HE CUTER THAN ME? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, I PICKED UP AN EXTRA SHIFT BEFORE FIRST PERIOD.
I'M SAVING UP TO GO TO THE WHITE PARTY.
MY, MY, AREN'T YOU TWO RAISING HIM WELL? OH HEY, UH, ANYONE WANT TO GO SEE THAT NEW MATT DAMON MOVIE TOMORROW? I WAS, UH, READING IN A CHAT ROOM LAST NIGHT THAT THERE'S A DICK SHOT IN IT.
IT'S BRIEF, BUT NONETHELESS DICK! Emmett: YEAH.
TOTALLY.
Michael: YEAH.
I'M THERE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? I CAN'T.
I HAVE FAMILY STUFF.
W-WHY? YOUR SISTER FIGHTING WITH HER EX-HUSBAND AGAIN? MY DAD DIED.
YOUR DAD? WHEN? YESTERDAY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
WELL, HE WAS SICK.
IT WAS TIME.
YEAH, BUT HE'S YOUR DAD.
I SAID I'M FINE.
[ Sniffle .]
[ ?????? .]
IF MY DAD DIED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO.
ME EITHER.
HOW OLD WAS HE? ANCIENT.
THEY SAY KIDS WHO ARE BORN TODAY ARE GOING TO LIVE TO BE PAST 100.
[ Chuckle .]
HEY, CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING SEX WHEN YOU'RE 100? NO.
I CAN'T IMAGINE DOING IT NOW.
CHECK OUT KEVIN CHASE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? TOTAL HOTTIE.
AND HE'S GOT A HUGE DICK.
HOW DO YOU KNOW? GYM CLASS DOES HAVE ITS PERKS.
WHAT ABOUT CRAIG MATTHEWS? HUH-UH.
HE'S GOT ACNE.
YEAH.
BUT A HOT ASS.
WHAT ABOUT GLEN REEVES? Justin: HE'S OKAY.
Daphne: JUST OKAY? Justin: ACTUALLY HE'S HE'S KIND OF ADORABLE.
YEAH, HE'S TOTALLY ADORABLE.
AND YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS GOTTEN THIS CLOSETED-HOMO VIBE FROM HIM.
I BET WITH ENOUGH BEERS AND THE RIGHT MUSIC, WE'D TOTALLY BE DOING IT.
NO WAY.
HEY, YOU.
HEY! Glen: HOW'D I DO? YOU LOOKED GREAT OUT THERE.
WHAT'S GOING ON? GOTCHA! YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER, RIGHT? SURE.
HI.
HOW'S IT GOING? OKAY.
OH, WANT TO COME TO MY PLACE TONIGHT AND STUDY? UH, ACTUALLY I WAS SUPPOSED TO STUDY AT JUSTIN'S.
BUT IF IT'S COOL, COULD I TAKE A RAIN CHECK? SURE.
UM I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR CLASS.
[ ?????? .]
FUCK! IT'S A HOT CROWD IN HERE TONIGHT.
BRIAN, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
YEAH.
WHERE SHOULD I BE? AT YOUR MOM'S? PLANNING YOUR DAD'S FUNERAL? HE'S PRACTI- CALLY BURIED.
WELL, IT'S REAS- SURING TO KNOW THAT NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW CAN KEEP YOU FROM YOUR APPOINTED ROUNDS.
CONSISTENCY'S A RARE VIRTUE.
ESPECIALLY IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES.
LOOK, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING LIKE RUNNING ERRANDS MAKING CALLS IT'S TAKEN CARE OF.
[ ?????? .]
[ ?????? .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I-I'M LOOKING FOR A FOURTH FOR BRIDGE.
HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW? AH, DEATH GIVES YOU A REAL HARD-ON.
LOOK, LET ME TAKE YOU HOME.
JESUS, BRIAN, YOUR DAD JUST DIED! HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED? THIS IS MY GRIEF COUNSELLOR.
[ Gasp of arousal .]
[ Panting .]
[ Deep inhalation .]
IS HE ACTUALLY YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW OR SOMETHING? I GUESS.
THANKS FOR TELLING ME.
YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING SOME 29-YEAR-OLD GUY THE WHOLE YEAR.
WHY CAN'T I SEE SOMEONE TOO? SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN? OH, ABOUT A MONTH.
ONE DAY AFTER STARTED TALKING ABOUT "SISTER CARRIE" AND HOW AWESOME AND TRAGIC IT IS.
BEFORE I KNEW IT, WE WERE INSTANT- MESSAGING EACH OTHER PRACTICALLY EVERY NIGHT.
OH.
WELL, WE'RE STILL BEST FRIENDS, RIGHT? I GUESS.
WELL, AREN'T WE? [ Snorting .]
YEAH.
HAVE YOU GUYS DONE THE NASTY YET? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
OH, COME ON.
I TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
WELL, WE FOOLED AROUND SOME.
HE WANTS TO DO MORE, AND SO DO I I THINK.
ONLY HE'S A LOT MORE EXPERIENCED THAN I AM, AND I DO NOT WANT TO COME OFF AS A TOTAL FREAK WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE.
SO PRACTICE FIRST.
NAH.
I'VE HEARD HORROR STORIES ABOUT THE FIRST TIME.
I MEAN, IF IF THE GUY ISN'T CAREFUL, IT CAN BE REALLY PAINFUL.
YEAH.
I WAS LUCKY.
BRIAN WENT REAL SLOW.
YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY I WANT MY FIRST TIME TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.
LIKE YOU.
SHE WANTS YOU TO FUCK HER? GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT GIRLS SLEEPING TOGETHER: ISN'T THAT ONE OF THE SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN? LOTS OF TIMES.
WHEN I WAS 14, I HAD SEX WITH, UH, FOUR GIRLS AT SUMMER CAMP.
WHEN I WAS 15, I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY MOM'S BEST FRIEND.
AND WHEN I WAS 16, I MADE IT WITH MRS.
ELSTEAD, MY GEOMETRY TEACHER.
NO.
NO! YOU ASSHOLE.
WELL THEN, HON, UM HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN? BECAUSE AT HIS AGE HE COULD RUB UP AGAINST A TREE AND GET A HARD-ON.
Emmett: HAVING RECENTLY MADE LOVE TO A WOMAN, I, UM I CAN GIVE YOU A FEW POINTERS.
BANGING A BULL DYKE FOR JESUS ISN'T EXACTLY MAKING LOVE.
Michael: I'VE SORT OF BEEN WITH A WOMAN.
YOU HAVE? TENTH GRADE.
MARSHA GRUNDIG GAVE ME A BLOW JOB.
WELL, SHE DIDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
SHE CHARGED ME FIVE BUCKS.
SHE CHARGED EVERY- BODY FIVE BUCKS.
THAT'S A THAT'S A TOUCHING MEMORY.
I KNOW I'LL BE DOING DAPHNE A FAVOUR, BUT I STILL FEEL KIND OF WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I THINK IT'S A REAL COMPLIMENT SHE ASKED YOU TO DO THIS.
YEAH, IT MEANS SHE REALLY TRUSTS YOU.
Emmett: GO TO HER, JUSTIN.
TEACH HER WHAT IT IS TO BE A REAL WOMAN.
LIKE SOMEBODY TAUGHT YOU.
Brian: BE CAREFUL.
OH, SHIT! Emmett: WELL, YOU WERE BOUND TO RUN INTO HIM EVENTUALLY.
WHY DID EVENTUALLY HAVE TO BE TONIGHT? WHAT DO I SAY? WHY SAY ANYTHING? JUST IGNORE HIM.
I SHOULD GO APOLOGIZE.
NO, YOU SHOULD STAY AND ANSWER ME THIS: LENNY OR, UH, SQUIGGY? [ ?????? .]
HEY, BLAKE, UM LOOK, I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY.
THAT'S NOT WHY I WANTED TO TALK WITH YOU.
LOOK, I FOUND MY WALLET.
IT WAS IN EMMETT'S COUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HORRIBLE UH, REALLY HORRIBLE I FEEL.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME RIGHT NOW, AND I REALIZE THAT AFTER WHAT I DID, YOU'VE GOT NO REASON TO BELIEVE ME, BUT IF YOU NEED ANYTHING WELL, A SYMPA- THETIC EAR OR A SHOULDER TO CRY ON OR AN OBJECTIVE EYE HOW ABOUT THROWING IN AN ARM AND A LEG? [ Snorting .]
WELL, THAT TOO IF YOU WANT 'EM.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ?????? .]
YEAH, THIS IS THE ONE HE SHOULD BE BURIED IN.
WORN OUT AND DREARY, JUST LIKE HIM.
WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD RUN IT BY YOUR SISTER FIRST? HMM, SHE'D PROBABLY SEE THIS UGLY, OLD SUIT AND START CRYING AGAIN.
WELL AT LEAST SHE'S EXPRESSING HOW SHE FEELS.
SHE'S MILKING IT FOR ATTENTION.
DON'T BE CYNICAL.
CLAIRE IS A CUNT.
DAD COULDN'T EVEN STAND HER.
HER HUSBAND COULDN'T STAND HER.
HER FUCKING KIDS CAN'T STAND HER.
SO WHILE SHE'S BUSY BEING A BASKET CASE, I'M STUCK DOING EVERYTHING ELSE, THE FUNERAL HOME, THE CEMETERY THE OBITUARY.
WELL, I SAID I WOULD HELP.
YOU WANT TO HELP? SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A TIE THAT'S NOT TOO OFFENSIVE, IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.
BRIAN.
WHAT? PACKETS OR SUGAR CUBES? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF GUESTS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE PREFER.
I'M SURE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
UM MY MOM SAYS THAT PEOPLE AT THE DINER PREFER PACKETS THREE TO ONE BECAUSE THE THE THE CUBES ARE INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED, AND THEY FALL ON THE FLOOR AND PEOPLE STEP HOW IS YOUR MOTHER, MICHAEL? SHE'S FINE, MRS.
KINNEY, THANK YOU.
SHE WAS ALWAYS SUCH A CHARACTER.
PLEASE REMEMBER TO TH-THANK HER FOR THE UM, SANDWICH PLATTER.
AH, I WILL.
AND, UH I HAVE TO SAY I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
UH, BRIAN, IF YOU SEE ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST PLEASE TAKE IT.
I'VE CALLED THE GOODWILL AND THEY'RE COMING TOMORROW.
THAT WAS QUICK.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE SEEING THINGS LYING AROUND, YOU KNOW THAT.
YOUR FATHER SPENT MORE WEEKENDS WITH THAT THAN HE DID WITH ME.
PACKETS.
GOOD.
WELL, THAT'S DECIDED.
[ Exhalation of relief .]
[ Snort .]
I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS LIKE AT YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I WAS ALWAYS OVER AT YOURS.
A GUY THREW UP ON MY BED.
WHAT? THE PLACE WHERE I'M STAYING.
I WENT BACK THERE TONIGHT AND SOME TWEAKED- OUT ASSHOLE BARFED ON MY BED.
HOW HORRIBLE.
I CAN'T STAY THERE ANY MORE.
I I JUST CAN'T.
I DON'T BLAME YOU.
THEN I THOUGHT OF WHAT YOU SAID, UM THAT I COULD COUNT ON YOU FOR ANYTHING.
SO YOU CAME HERE? I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO.
I'M GLAD YOU DID.
[ Clearing of throat .]
WELL, COME IN.
YOU SURE? SURE I'M SURE.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY HERE TONIGHT, OR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS.
DID YOU BRING YOUR STUFF? [ Yawning .]
WELL, IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO TRAVEL LIGHT.
COME ON.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M CLEAN.
I SWEAR.
I BELIEVE YOU.
THANKS.
UM LOOK UH UH [ Chuckle .]
LET'S, UH LET'S NOT RUSH INTO THIS, OKAY? I MEAN, WE BOTH NEED TIME TO, UH COMPREHEND AND TO, UH PROCESS HOW WE FEEL.
HMM? [ Exhaling .]
THAT SAID, I THINK IT WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE, NOT TO MENTION RESPONSIBLE FOR BOTH OF US TO, UH OH, FUCK IT! [ ?????? .]
Priest: LET US REMEMBER THAT WE ARE DUST, AND WE WILL RETURN TO DUST.
ALMIGHTY GOD, THROUGH THE DEATH OF YOUR SON ON THE CROSS, YOU HAVE OVERCOME DEATH FOR US.
THROUGH HIS BURIAL AND RESURRECTION FROM THE DEAD, YOU HAVE MADE THE GRAVE A HOLY PLACE, AND RESTORED TO US ETERNAL LIFE.
WE PRAY FOR THOSE WHO DIED BELIEVING IN JESUS, AND ARE BURIED WITH HIM IN THE HOPE OF RISING AGAIN.
GOD OF THE LIVING AND THE DEAD, MAY THOSE WHO FAITHFULLY BELIEVED IN YOU ON EARTH PRAISE YOU FOREVER IN THE JOY OF HEAVEN.
WE ASK THIS IN THE NAME OF JESUS THE LORD AMEN.
Mourners: AMEN.
THROUGH THE MERCY OF GOD, MAY JACK AND ALL THE FAITHFUL DEPARTED REST IN THE PEACE OF CHRIST.
AMEN.
IN THE HOPE OF THE RESURRECTION, LET US LEAVE OUR BROTHER JACK KINNEY TO REST IN PEACE.
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND OF THE SON AND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT AMEN.
[ ?????? .]
CLAIRE, WOULD YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, PLEASE? DADDY DIED, MOTHER.
I AM ALLOWED TO FALL APART.
FINE THEN, FALL APART.
BILLY Emmett: CAN WE LEAVE? Ted: SHHH! Emmett: WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR MONTHS.
YEARS.
Melanie: DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD FOR CHRIST SAKE? SORRY, FATHER.
Michael: WE HAVE TO STAY FOR BRIAN.
HE HASN'T SAID A WORD.
Melanie: OR EVEN CRIED.
WELL, CLAIRE'S DOING A BANG-UP JOB FOR EVERYBODY.
Claire: [ Sobbing .]
WHAT'S IN THE BAG, UNCLE BRI? GRANDPA'S HEAD.
DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT? WE BETTER GO.
WE HAVE TO PICK UP GUS.
AND I, UH, HAVE SOMEBODY STAYING WITH ME, SO I SHOULD YOU DO? YOU DON'T.
OH, EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
UM, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE [ Loud sniffle .]
IF WE ALL SHARED SOME MEMORIES OF DADDY.
UH, FATHER, WOULD YOU START? [ Loud sniffle .]
I MUST CONFESS I DIDN'T KNOW HIM WELL.
HE NEVER CAME TO MASS.
UH UM [ Sniffle .]
ANYONE ELSE? IT IT WAS A WHILE AGO.
BRIAN AND I WERE IN COLLEGE.
HE HE TOLD ME ONCE I SMELLED NICE.
OH, AND THEN HE GAVE ME A MINT.
UH, I REMEMBER UM, THIS IS JUST AFTER I'D MET BRIAN, MR.
KINNEY TOOK US BOWLING.
UM, AND I'M A TERRIBLE BOWLER.
SO IS BRIAN.
I THINK OUR SCORE WAS, LIKE, NINE AFTER SEVEN FRAMES.
AND, UH, THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED.
BRIAN ROLLED THE BALL AND IT WAS HEADED TOWARDS THE GUTTER LIKE ALL THE REST, BUT THEN SUDDENLY IT CHANGED DIRECTION.
AND THERE WAS A STRIKE.
AND WE WERE SO EXCITED AND WE WERE JUMPING UP AND DOWN THAT WE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT MR.
KINNEY HAD COME BACK FROM THE BAR AND SEEN THE WHOLE THING.
AND HE RAN OVER TO BRIAN AND HE PICKED HIM UP, AND HE HUGGED HIM AND HE KISSED HIM, AND HE TOLD HIM HOW PROUD HE WAS OF HIM.
AND OF COURSE, BRIAN GOT ALL EMBAR- RASSED AND RAN OFF.
I GUESS THAT MOMENT MEANT A LOT TO ME BECAUSE I NEVER HAD A FATHER AND I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT DAY AND THAT HUG.
[ Sobbing .]
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
THAT WAS A LOVELY STORY, MICHAEL.
Brian: YEAH, MICHAEL, THAT WAS LOVELY.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO SHARE SOME MEMORIES OF MY OWN.
SOMETHING WE COULD ALL TREASURE.
OR THE NIGHT THAT HE FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH ME.
HE TOLD MOM TO PUT ON HER MOST BEAUTIFUL DRESS, TOOK HER TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT IN TOWN, POURED HER A GLASS OF BUBBLY AND THEN GET THIS.
HE LEANED OVER AND HE SAID "JOANIE YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF AN ABORTION BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANOTHER FUCKING KID.
" [ Snorting .]
CLAIRE, DO YOU HAVE ANY- THING YOU WANT TO SHARE? Claire: [ Sob/sniffle .]
COME ON IN.
THANKS.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR BACKPACK OVER HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO SOMETHING? DAPH? HUH? OH YEAH, WHATEVER.
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO HEAR.
SO HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO TAKE? UM I DUNNO.
MAYBE AN HOUR.
'CAUSE I GOT TO BE HOME BY 6:00.
I PROMISED MY MOM AND MY GRANDMA'S COMING OVER FOR DINNER SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS THEN NO NO, I I DO.
[ Guitar ?????? .]
DO YOU HAVE ANY CONDOMS? [ Snorting .]
ARE YOU KIDDING? 'CAUSE I BROUGHT SOME IN CASE.
AND, UH, LUBRICANT, SPERMICIDAL FOAM.
YOU'RE REALLY PREPARED.
I GUESS WE SHOULD YEAH.
I GUESS WE SHOULD.
IN A WAY, THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME TOO.
I MEAN, WITH A GIRL AND YEAH.
WE CAN GIVE IT A SHOT TOGETHER.
ONLY AFTER- WARDS, DAPH LET'S NOT GET WEIRD.
WEIRD HOW? I DUNNO, JUST LET'S JUST NOT.
NO WEIRDNESS.
[ ?????? .]
Both: [ Light chuckle .]
[ ?????? .]
Both: [ Panting .]
DO YOU FEEL GOOD? YEAH.
[ ?????? .]
Ted: TALK ABOUT THE FUNERAL FROM HELL.
[ Giggling .]
I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HIS SISTER SCREAMING, "YOU SHIT! YOU SHIT!" WHAT ABOUT FATHER O'WHAT'S-HIS-FACE CARRYING HIS MOTHER UP TO HER ROOM.
[ Laughing .]
THEY DIDN'T COME DOWN FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR.
HMMM.
[ Chuckle .]
DO YOU THINK IT'S REALLY TRUE? WHAT HIS FATHER SAID? AH, YOU KNOW, BRIAN'S ALWAYS TRYING TO SHOCK EVERYBODY.
BUT SOMEHOW I BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE GROWING UP IN THAT HOUSE? HOW DID HE EVER SURVIVE? WHO'S TO SAY HE DID? HEY, THESE ARE KIND OF NICE.
YEAH.
YEAH, THEY'LL MAKE A FABULOUS CENTREPIECE FOR YOUR ROMANTIC DINNER FOR TWO.
I THINK I'LL USE THAT CHINA MY GRANDMOTHER LEFT ME.
MMMM.
PERFECT.
PERFECT, AND, UH, AND AND THE GOOD CRYSTAL.
I'M SURE BLAKE'LL APPRECIATE THAT.
FUCK YOU.
EXCUSE ME? I ALREADY TOLD YOU, HE'S NOT USING.
OKAY, UM, CAN I CAN I HAVE A SHOW OF HANDS? UH, HOW MANY PEOPLE THINK THE TWINK IS NO LONGER TWEAKING? NO ONE.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE ALL WRONG.
NO, TEDDY, YOU ARE.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.
JEALOUS? JEALOUS THAT I'VE ACTUALLY FOUND SOMEBODY WHO CARES ABOUT ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME.
HE'S USING YOU, TEDDY.
THAT'S WHAT USERS DO.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
AND YOU JUST DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
YOU'RE LIKE EVERY OTHER FAG IN THE WORLD.
Michael: YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE.
AH! FOR WHAT? YOU KNOW DAMN WELL.
HE WAS YOUR DAD.
EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T ALWAYS NICE TO YOU, WHEN YOU DIE, YOU DESERVE A LITTLE RESPECT.
BULLSHIT.
IF YOU DON'T EARN RESPECT WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.
ANYWAY, YOU WERE VERY RESPECTFUL.
EVERYONE WAS VERY TOUCHED BY YOUR LITTLE MEMORY.
ONLY YOU DON'T REMEMBER SHIT.
[ Snorting of drug .]
WANT SOME? HAVEN'T YOU ABUSED YOUR- SELF ENOUGH? NO! I GOT A STRIKE THAT DAY Brian: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
AND WE WERE JUMPING UP AND DOWN, SCREAMING.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT TOO.
AND THAT'S WHEN JACK CAME BACK FROM THE BAR AND SURPRISED US.
BUT HE DIDN'T HUG ME.
THAT WAS JUST YOUR "GEE, I WISH I HAD A DADDY" FANTASY.
YOU HUGGED ME.
REMEMBER? AND I GAVE YOU A BIG KISS.
[ Sniffing .]
THEN THAT'S WHEN HE SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU, A COUPLA FUCKIN' FAIRIES?" AND THEN I PUSHED YOU AWAY SO HARD, YOU PRACTICALLY ROLLED DOWN THE LANE.
AND THEN I RAN.
AND I RAN AND IT'S HOT IN HERE.
[ Popping of buttons .]
MAYBE COFFEE WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
STAY HERE WITH ME.
OKAY.
JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT.
[ Laughing .]
YOU'RE HIGH.
YEAH.
[ Groan .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WAIT I'M JUST FOOLING AROUND.
NO.
NO! WAIT.
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED, MICHAEL? WHAT? A DRUNKEN FUCK SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT YOUR DAD? I NEVER WANTED THAT.
[ ?????? .]
YOU ARE THE BEST KISSER, HANDS DOWN.
[ Giggle .]
NO.
NO-NO, SWEETHEART.
THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
PUT 'EM PUT 'EM BACK UP.
RIGHT.
ATTABOY.
[ ?????? .]
'SCUSE ME LOVER, I, UH I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OKAY? DON'T YOU DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERE.
STAY RIGHT THERE, OKAY? [ ?????? .]
'SCUSE ME.
NO THANKS.
NO THANKS WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO DANCE.
I WASN'T GOING TO ASK.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE US? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M EMMETT HONEYCUTT, TED SCHMIDT'S FRIEND.
YEAH, WE, UM WE MET HERE THE OTHER NIGHT, WHEN, UH YOU WERE SO TWEAKED YOU PASSED OUT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
WE HAD TO RUSH YOU TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
ANY OF THIS STARTING TO RING A BELL? I REMEMBER NOW.
GOOD! GOOD FOR YOU.
SO YOU YOU FEELING BETTER? NOW THAT TED'S LETTING ME STAY WITH HIM.
THAT'S OUR BOY.
SO, UH, TELL ME, WHY AREN'T YOU THERE, UH, TALKING TO HIM INSTEAD OF HERE TALKING TO A DEALER? HIM? HE'S JUST A FRIEND.
[ Scoffing .]
HONEY DON'T BULLSHIT ME.
TED, MAYBE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS.
BUT, UH BUT WE DO.
OH YES, WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS ONCE YOU'VE INJEC- TED CRYSTAL METH INTO THOSE SKINNY LITTLE ARMS.
I TRIED TO WARN HIM BUT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.
IN FACT HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE BELIEVES YOU'RE CLEAN.
IMAGINE THAT.
I LOVE HIM TOO.
NO.
YOU LOVE DRUGS.
SO GET DRUGS.
HERE, I WILL EVEN GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
BUT LEAVE HIM ALONE, BECAUSE IF YOU BREAK HIS HEART, I WILL BREAK YOUR FACE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG.
[ ?????? .]
?? COME, MY LADY, COME, COME, MY LADY ?? ?? YOU'RE MY BUTTERFLY SUGAR BABY ?? ?? COME, MY LADY, COME, COME, MY LADY ?? ?? YOU'RE MY BUTTERFLY SUGAR BABY ?? ?? SUCH A SEXY, SEXY PRETTY LITTLE THING ?? HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I JUST THOUGHT I'D DROP IN AND SAY HI.
HI, SEPTEMBER.
HI, JUSTIN.
UH, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO EAT ON THE HOUSE? OH, YEAH.
UM, A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE.
I'M ON A DIET.
I GOTTA GET READY FOR THE PROM.
OKAY.
September: I SUPPOSE YOU TWO ARE GOING TOGETHER? [ Giggling .]
DAPHNE, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? OVER HERE.
DID YOU SAY ANYTHING? ABOUT WHAT? OH THAT.
OH, THAT.
WE NEVER SAID IT WAS A SECRET.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE? THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IS PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRAIGHT.
BESIDES, IT WAS NICE.
I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH SOMEONE.
WELL THEN, I GUESS IT'S OKAY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD DO SOMETHING WHEN YOU GET OFF.
MMM, I CAN'T.
I HAVE PLANS.
WHAT PLANS? JUST PLANS.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND? WE BROKE UP.
YOU DID? THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE I REALIZED WE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THAT MUCH IN COMMON.
I I THOUGHT YOU HAD AMAZING I.
M.
SESSIONS.
THEY WEREN'T THAT AMAZING.
HE CAN'T SPELL.
AND LATELY WE'VE BEEN RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO CHAT ABOUT.
THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU AND ME.
[ Snorting .]
I SAT THERE WAITING FOR HIM FOR HOURS.
WELL, MAYBE HE FORGOT.
OR HAD OTHER PLANS.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DINNER.
THE ROAST WAS IN THE OVEN.
THE WINE WAS CHILLING.
THE FLOWERS WERE ON THE TABLE.
FINALLY I WENT OUT DRIVING AROUND.
CHECKING ALL THE BARS, THE CLUBS, I I I COULD I COULDN'T FIND HIM.
ALWAYS THE WAY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO RUN INTO SOMEONE, THEY'RE THE FIRST PERSON YOU SEE.
YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEONE, AND THEY'RE NOWHERE DO YOU MIND IF WE STAY ON TRACK HERE? PLEASE? SURE.
THANK YOU.
[ Heavy sigh .]
HE NEVER CAME HOME.
HOME? WELL, UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL THE POLICE STATION OR THE HOSPITALS.
OR THE MORGUE.
OH, THANKS A FUCKING LOT.
WELL, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.
WELL THEN WOULD YOU MAKE A HELPFUL SUGGESTION.
Woman: [ On intercom .]
Mr.
Novotny, register 19.
Mr.
Novotny, register 19.
THAT'S ME.
GOTTA GO.
YOU WANT A HELPFUL SUGGESTION? FORGET ABOUT WHY HE LEFT OR WHERE HE WENT, AND JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT HE'S GONE.
Emmett: I gotta go.
SO GLAD I CALLED.
Melanie: NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE SLEEP ON FUTONS.
YEAH, WHY DIDN'T YOU BUY A MATTRESS AT A DEPARTMENT STORE? [ Laughing .]
LINDSAY, DARLING, SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO FIELD THAT ONE? BECAUSE I SAW AN AD, 50% OFF.
OH, OKAY.
SO IN ORDER TO SAVE 100 BUCKS, YOU RUN THE RISK OF PERMANENT BACK INJURY.
MMM.
WOMEN ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD.
WHY IS THAT A WOMAN THING? BECAUSE NO GUY, UNLESS HE HAD MONEY ISSUES, WOULD DO SOME- THING LIKE THAT.
Melanie: PUSH.
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.
YOU GET WEIRD ABOUT SEX.
AFTER I HAD SEX WITH MY FRIEND DAPHNE, SHE FUCKING FLIPPED OUT.
Lindsay & Melanie: WHAT!? YOU SLEPT WITH DAPHNE? SHE WANTED ME TO BE HER FIRST TIME.
WELL HOW WAS IT? IT WAS SHE'S GOING TO NEED PRACTICE.
ANYWAY, WE SAID THAT NOTHING WOULD CHANGE, AND IT TOTALLY HAS.
I THINK SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT AS EASY FOR MOST WOMEN TO SEPARATE LOVE AND SEX AS IT IS FOR A MAN.
Melanie: YEAH.
THAT WAS ALWAYS MY BIG COMPLAINT WITH MEN.
Lindsay: ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME.
I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE ALLOWING SOMEONE TO COME INSIDE YOUR BODY.
I MEAN, YOU'VE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE TO ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE WITH THIS PERSON WHO'S MADE YOU FEEL LIKE A WAY YOU'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE.
SO NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY DAPHNE MIGHT BE IN LOVE WITH YOU? COME ON.
PUSH.
YES! PUSH.
All: [ Grunts of effort .]
I GOT A MESSAGE AT THE STORE TO DROP EVERYTHING.
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR BIG Q 24-HOUR CLEARANCE SALE.
THAT'S THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE YEAR.
HERE'S YOUR SHOES.
AFTER YOUR TOUCHING EULOGY, I DECIDED TO COME AND PAY MY RESPECTS TO JACK KINNEY.
WHERE WE ONCE BOWLED THE LARGEST NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE GUTTER BALLS EVER RECORDED.
MM-HMM.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? WE ROLL ONE FOR THE OLD FUCK? Men: [ Snickering .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
HETEROS: ONE.
HOMOS: NOTHING.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE PAID MY RESPECTS.
LET'S GO.
HOLD ON.
[ ?????? .]
?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO WAKE UP IN THE SUN? ?? ?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO SHINE ON EVERYONE? ?? ?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE ?? Man: HEY! THAT'S RIGHT.
THE FUCKIN' FAIRIES GOT A STRIKE.
THE FUCKIN' FAIRIES ARE JUMPING UP AND DOWN.
THE FUCKIN' FAIRIES ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE.
[ Chuckling .]
[ ?????? .]
Man: THANK YOU.
HEY.
HEY.
YOU KNOW, THE NEW "PANSY DIVISION" JUST CAME IN.
YOU WANT TO HEAR? OH, NO THANKS.
SOME OTHER TIME.
THAT'S A REALLY COOL SHIRT.
GOES WITH YOUR EYES.
[ Scoffing .]
DAPH, YOU'VE SEEN IT LIKE A MILLION TIMES.
MM.
GUESS I NEVER NOTICED.
BUT I DO NOW.
UH, ACTUALLY, THE REASON THAT I'M HERE UH WELL, I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU AN E-MAIL BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I CAME IN PERSON.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TONIGHT? I MEAN MY PARENTS AREN'T GOING TO BE HOME AND NO! I MEAN IT THIS IS FINE.
ACTUALLY, I JUST I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND.
THAT I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE WE HAD SEX ONCE, DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE'RE NOW BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND.
I NEVER SAID WE WERE.
YOU'RE CALLING ME, LIKE, EIGHT TIMES A DAY.
I HAVEN'T CALLED YOU EIGHT TIMES.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT WAS ELEVEN.
I'M NOT COUNTING THREE HANG-UPS.
AND THAT CARD.
"FRIENDSHIP IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF LOVE" DAPH ALL RIGHT, I GET THE POINT.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU'VE SLEPT WITH AS MANY GUYS AS YOU HAVE, I'M SURE THAT'S ALL IT WAS: ANOTHER FUCK.
AH I NEVER SAID IT WAS JUST ANOTHER FUCK.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH THAT MANY GUYS.
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT IT HERE? I'VE GOT TO WORK.
DAPH I WAS DOING YOU A FAVOUR.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS MEANT TO BE AND NOW YOU'VE TOTALLY GOTTEN WEIRD, WHICH WE AGREED WOULD NOT HAPPEN.
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO GOT WEIRD.
EVER SINCE YOU MET BRIAN, YOU'VE BE- COME THIS TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON.
YOU GO OUT WITH HIM ALL THE TIME TO BARS AND CLUBS.
IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
YOU'VE JUST BECOME THIS FULL- TIME HOMOSEXUAL.
[ Laboured breathing .]
HOW'D YOU FIND ME? DIDN'T I TELL YOU? BESIDES BEING AN ACCOUNTANT, I'M ALSO A PART-TIME SLEUTH.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
YEAH.
SHEER TERROR PIQUES MY WIT.
YOUR HANDS ARE COLD.
I WANT YOU TO COME BACK.
I CAN'T.
DON'T ARGUE.
I'LL SCREW EVERYTHING UP.
YOU WON'T.
I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I WANT YOU TO GO NOW.
PLEASE.
AND LEAVE YOU SLEEPING ON THIS MATTRESS THAT SOME ASSHOLE THREW UP ON? I'M THE ONE WHO THREW UP ON IT.
MY BREATH STINKS.
I DON'T CARE.
[ Opera ?????? .]
THAT OPERA "LA TRAVIATA".
[ Sniffle .]
YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW IT ENDS.
DOES WHAT'S- HIS-NAME MARRY THE SLUT? OF COURSE.
DESPITE THE WISHES OF HIS CRUEL FATHER.
AND THEY LIVE TO SING MANY GLORIOUS DUETS.
WHOA.
WHAT ARE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, COME ON.
IT'S COLD.
PATIENCE, YOUNG FELLA, PATIENCE.
NOW WHAT? [ ?????? .]
?? TREATED YOU LIKE A RUSTY BLADE ?? ?? A THROWAWAY FROM ?? SO LONG, JACK.
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
[ ?????? .]
?? TRIED TO TELL YOU I NEVER KNEW ?? ?? IT COULD BE SO SWEET ?? ?? WHO COULD EVER BE SO CRUEL? ?? ?? BLAME THE DEVIL FOR THE THINGS YOU DO ?? [ ?????? .]
?? IT'S SUCH A SELFISH WAY TO LOSE ?? ?? THE WAY YOU LOSE THESE WASTED BLUES ?? ?? THESE WASTED BLUES ?? ?? TELL ME THAT IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ?? ?? NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN ?? ?? TELL ME THAT IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ?? ?? NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN ?? ?? TELL ME THAT IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ?? ?? NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN ?? CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS MOO!
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
?? BABY'S ON FIRE ?? [ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT? [ Sighing .]
WHAT? WHEN? [ Sighing .]
YEAH, I'LL BE THERE.
[ Groans of passion .]
EVERYTHING OKAY? YEAH, SOME- BODY DIED.
OH MY OH MY GOD! I'M REALLY SORRY.
M-MAYBE WE SHOULD GO.
YEAH.
WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP? [ Playful chuckles .]
[ ?????? .]
OKAY.
WHO WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH? THE PROFESSOR OR GILLIGAN? Ted: EASY.
PROFESSOR.
HE HAD THAT DEEP VOICE, THOSE PERFECTLY PRESSED SHIRTS.
YEAH, HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE HE FOUND A GOOD CLEANER ON THAT ISLAND? I CAN'T FIND ONE IN PITTSBURGH.
FRED FLINTSTONE, BARNEY RUBBLE? MMM, WE'RE TALKING A RELATIONSHIP OR JUST SEX? HMM, ONE NIGHT ONLY.
I HAVE TO GO WITH FRED.
HE'S A TOTAL BEAR.
[ Snickering .]
YEAH.
OKAY.
MR.
ROPER OR MR.
FURLEY? OH! MMMM.
TOUGH ONE.
I'M GOING TO GO WITH ROPER BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE AN AVERSION TO LOUD COLOURS ON ANYONE EXCEPT ME.
I NEED COFFEE.
OH, SOMEONE WAS UP FUCKING UNTIL THE WEE HOURS.
WAS HE CUTER THAN ME? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, I PICKED UP AN EXTRA SHIFT BEFORE FIRST PERIOD.
I'M SAVING UP TO GO TO THE WHITE PARTY.
MY, MY, AREN'T YOU TWO RAISING HIM WELL? OH HEY, UH, ANYONE WANT TO GO SEE THAT NEW MATT DAMON MOVIE TOMORROW? I WAS, UH, READING IN A CHAT ROOM LAST NIGHT THAT THERE'S A DICK SHOT IN IT.
IT'S BRIEF, BUT NONETHELESS DICK! Emmett: YEAH.
TOTALLY.
Michael: YEAH.
I'M THERE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? I CAN'T.
I HAVE FAMILY STUFF.
W-WHY? YOUR SISTER FIGHTING WITH HER EX-HUSBAND AGAIN? MY DAD DIED.
YOUR DAD? WHEN? YESTERDAY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
WELL, HE WAS SICK.
IT WAS TIME.
YEAH, BUT HE'S YOUR DAD.
I SAID I'M FINE.
[ Sniffle .]
[ ?????? .]
IF MY DAD DIED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO.
ME EITHER.
HOW OLD WAS HE? ANCIENT.
THEY SAY KIDS WHO ARE BORN TODAY ARE GOING TO LIVE TO BE PAST 100.
[ Chuckle .]
HEY, CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING SEX WHEN YOU'RE 100? NO.
I CAN'T IMAGINE DOING IT NOW.
CHECK OUT KEVIN CHASE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? TOTAL HOTTIE.
AND HE'S GOT A HUGE DICK.
HOW DO YOU KNOW? GYM CLASS DOES HAVE ITS PERKS.
WHAT ABOUT CRAIG MATTHEWS? HUH-UH.
HE'S GOT ACNE.
YEAH.
BUT A HOT ASS.
WHAT ABOUT GLEN REEVES? Justin: HE'S OKAY.
Daphne: JUST OKAY? Justin: ACTUALLY HE'S HE'S KIND OF ADORABLE.
YEAH, HE'S TOTALLY ADORABLE.
AND YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS GOTTEN THIS CLOSETED-HOMO VIBE FROM HIM.
I BET WITH ENOUGH BEERS AND THE RIGHT MUSIC, WE'D TOTALLY BE DOING IT.
NO WAY.
HEY, YOU.
HEY! Glen: HOW'D I DO? YOU LOOKED GREAT OUT THERE.
WHAT'S GOING ON? GOTCHA! YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER, RIGHT? SURE.
HI.
HOW'S IT GOING? OKAY.
OH, WANT TO COME TO MY PLACE TONIGHT AND STUDY? UH, ACTUALLY I WAS SUPPOSED TO STUDY AT JUSTIN'S.
BUT IF IT'S COOL, COULD I TAKE A RAIN CHECK? SURE.
UM I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR CLASS.
[ ?????? .]
FUCK! IT'S A HOT CROWD IN HERE TONIGHT.
BRIAN, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
YEAH.
WHERE SHOULD I BE? AT YOUR MOM'S? PLANNING YOUR DAD'S FUNERAL? HE'S PRACTI- CALLY BURIED.
WELL, IT'S REAS- SURING TO KNOW THAT NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW CAN KEEP YOU FROM YOUR APPOINTED ROUNDS.
CONSISTENCY'S A RARE VIRTUE.
ESPECIALLY IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES.
LOOK, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING LIKE RUNNING ERRANDS MAKING CALLS IT'S TAKEN CARE OF.
[ ?????? .]
[ ?????? .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I-I'M LOOKING FOR A FOURTH FOR BRIDGE.
HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW? AH, DEATH GIVES YOU A REAL HARD-ON.
LOOK, LET ME TAKE YOU HOME.
JESUS, BRIAN, YOUR DAD JUST DIED! HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED? THIS IS MY GRIEF COUNSELLOR.
[ Gasp of arousal .]
[ Panting .]
[ Deep inhalation .]
IS HE ACTUALLY YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW OR SOMETHING? I GUESS.
THANKS FOR TELLING ME.
YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING SOME 29-YEAR-OLD GUY THE WHOLE YEAR.
WHY CAN'T I SEE SOMEONE TOO? SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN? OH, ABOUT A MONTH.
ONE DAY AFTER STARTED TALKING ABOUT "SISTER CARRIE" AND HOW AWESOME AND TRAGIC IT IS.
BEFORE I KNEW IT, WE WERE INSTANT- MESSAGING EACH OTHER PRACTICALLY EVERY NIGHT.
OH.
WELL, WE'RE STILL BEST FRIENDS, RIGHT? I GUESS.
WELL, AREN'T WE? [ Snorting .]
YEAH.
HAVE YOU GUYS DONE THE NASTY YET? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
OH, COME ON.
I TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
WELL, WE FOOLED AROUND SOME.
HE WANTS TO DO MORE, AND SO DO I I THINK.
ONLY HE'S A LOT MORE EXPERIENCED THAN I AM, AND I DO NOT WANT TO COME OFF AS A TOTAL FREAK WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE.
SO PRACTICE FIRST.
NAH.
I'VE HEARD HORROR STORIES ABOUT THE FIRST TIME.
I MEAN, IF IF THE GUY ISN'T CAREFUL, IT CAN BE REALLY PAINFUL.
YEAH.
I WAS LUCKY.
BRIAN WENT REAL SLOW.
YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY I WANT MY FIRST TIME TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.
LIKE YOU.
SHE WANTS YOU TO FUCK HER? GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT GIRLS SLEEPING TOGETHER: ISN'T THAT ONE OF THE SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN? LOTS OF TIMES.
WHEN I WAS 14, I HAD SEX WITH, UH, FOUR GIRLS AT SUMMER CAMP.
WHEN I WAS 15, I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY MOM'S BEST FRIEND.
AND WHEN I WAS 16, I MADE IT WITH MRS.
ELSTEAD, MY GEOMETRY TEACHER.
NO.
NO! YOU ASSHOLE.
WELL THEN, HON, UM HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN? BECAUSE AT HIS AGE HE COULD RUB UP AGAINST A TREE AND GET A HARD-ON.
Emmett: HAVING RECENTLY MADE LOVE TO A WOMAN, I, UM I CAN GIVE YOU A FEW POINTERS.
BANGING A BULL DYKE FOR JESUS ISN'T EXACTLY MAKING LOVE.
Michael: I'VE SORT OF BEEN WITH A WOMAN.
YOU HAVE? TENTH GRADE.
MARSHA GRUNDIG GAVE ME A BLOW JOB.
WELL, SHE DIDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
SHE CHARGED ME FIVE BUCKS.
SHE CHARGED EVERY- BODY FIVE BUCKS.
THAT'S A THAT'S A TOUCHING MEMORY.
I KNOW I'LL BE DOING DAPHNE A FAVOUR, BUT I STILL FEEL KIND OF WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I THINK IT'S A REAL COMPLIMENT SHE ASKED YOU TO DO THIS.
YEAH, IT MEANS SHE REALLY TRUSTS YOU.
Emmett: GO TO HER, JUSTIN.
TEACH HER WHAT IT IS TO BE A REAL WOMAN.
LIKE SOMEBODY TAUGHT YOU.
Brian: BE CAREFUL.
OH, SHIT! Emmett: WELL, YOU WERE BOUND TO RUN INTO HIM EVENTUALLY.
WHY DID EVENTUALLY HAVE TO BE TONIGHT? WHAT DO I SAY? WHY SAY ANYTHING? JUST IGNORE HIM.
I SHOULD GO APOLOGIZE.
NO, YOU SHOULD STAY AND ANSWER ME THIS: LENNY OR, UH, SQUIGGY? [ ?????? .]
HEY, BLAKE, UM LOOK, I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY.
THAT'S NOT WHY I WANTED TO TALK WITH YOU.
LOOK, I FOUND MY WALLET.
IT WAS IN EMMETT'S COUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HORRIBLE UH, REALLY HORRIBLE I FEEL.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME RIGHT NOW, AND I REALIZE THAT AFTER WHAT I DID, YOU'VE GOT NO REASON TO BELIEVE ME, BUT IF YOU NEED ANYTHING WELL, A SYMPA- THETIC EAR OR A SHOULDER TO CRY ON OR AN OBJECTIVE EYE HOW ABOUT THROWING IN AN ARM AND A LEG? [ Snorting .]
WELL, THAT TOO IF YOU WANT 'EM.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ?????? .]
YEAH, THIS IS THE ONE HE SHOULD BE BURIED IN.
WORN OUT AND DREARY, JUST LIKE HIM.
WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD RUN IT BY YOUR SISTER FIRST? HMM, SHE'D PROBABLY SEE THIS UGLY, OLD SUIT AND START CRYING AGAIN.
WELL AT LEAST SHE'S EXPRESSING HOW SHE FEELS.
SHE'S MILKING IT FOR ATTENTION.
DON'T BE CYNICAL.
CLAIRE IS A CUNT.
DAD COULDN'T EVEN STAND HER.
HER HUSBAND COULDN'T STAND HER.
HER FUCKING KIDS CAN'T STAND HER.
SO WHILE SHE'S BUSY BEING A BASKET CASE, I'M STUCK DOING EVERYTHING ELSE, THE FUNERAL HOME, THE CEMETERY THE OBITUARY.
WELL, I SAID I WOULD HELP.
YOU WANT TO HELP? SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A TIE THAT'S NOT TOO OFFENSIVE, IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.
BRIAN.
WHAT? PACKETS OR SUGAR CUBES? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF GUESTS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE PREFER.
I'M SURE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
UM MY MOM SAYS THAT PEOPLE AT THE DINER PREFER PACKETS THREE TO ONE BECAUSE THE THE THE CUBES ARE INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED, AND THEY FALL ON THE FLOOR AND PEOPLE STEP HOW IS YOUR MOTHER, MICHAEL? SHE'S FINE, MRS.
KINNEY, THANK YOU.
SHE WAS ALWAYS SUCH A CHARACTER.
PLEASE REMEMBER TO TH-THANK HER FOR THE UM, SANDWICH PLATTER.
AH, I WILL.
AND, UH I HAVE TO SAY I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
UH, BRIAN, IF YOU SEE ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST PLEASE TAKE IT.
I'VE CALLED THE GOODWILL AND THEY'RE COMING TOMORROW.
THAT WAS QUICK.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE SEEING THINGS LYING AROUND, YOU KNOW THAT.
YOUR FATHER SPENT MORE WEEKENDS WITH THAT THAN HE DID WITH ME.
PACKETS.
GOOD.
WELL, THAT'S DECIDED.
[ Exhalation of relief .]
[ Snort .]
I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS LIKE AT YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I WAS ALWAYS OVER AT YOURS.
A GUY THREW UP ON MY BED.
WHAT? THE PLACE WHERE I'M STAYING.
I WENT BACK THERE TONIGHT AND SOME TWEAKED- OUT ASSHOLE BARFED ON MY BED.
HOW HORRIBLE.
I CAN'T STAY THERE ANY MORE.
I I JUST CAN'T.
I DON'T BLAME YOU.
THEN I THOUGHT OF WHAT YOU SAID, UM THAT I COULD COUNT ON YOU FOR ANYTHING.
SO YOU CAME HERE? I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO.
I'M GLAD YOU DID.
[ Clearing of throat .]
WELL, COME IN.
YOU SURE? SURE I'M SURE.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY HERE TONIGHT, OR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS.
DID YOU BRING YOUR STUFF? [ Yawning .]
WELL, IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO TRAVEL LIGHT.
COME ON.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M CLEAN.
I SWEAR.
I BELIEVE YOU.
THANKS.
UM LOOK UH UH [ Chuckle .]
LET'S, UH LET'S NOT RUSH INTO THIS, OKAY? I MEAN, WE BOTH NEED TIME TO, UH COMPREHEND AND TO, UH PROCESS HOW WE FEEL.
HMM? [ Exhaling .]
THAT SAID, I THINK IT WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE, NOT TO MENTION RESPONSIBLE FOR BOTH OF US TO, UH OH, FUCK IT! [ ?????? .]
Priest: LET US REMEMBER THAT WE ARE DUST, AND WE WILL RETURN TO DUST.
ALMIGHTY GOD, THROUGH THE DEATH OF YOUR SON ON THE CROSS, YOU HAVE OVERCOME DEATH FOR US.
THROUGH HIS BURIAL AND RESURRECTION FROM THE DEAD, YOU HAVE MADE THE GRAVE A HOLY PLACE, AND RESTORED TO US ETERNAL LIFE.
WE PRAY FOR THOSE WHO DIED BELIEVING IN JESUS, AND ARE BURIED WITH HIM IN THE HOPE OF RISING AGAIN.
GOD OF THE LIVING AND THE DEAD, MAY THOSE WHO FAITHFULLY BELIEVED IN YOU ON EARTH PRAISE YOU FOREVER IN THE JOY OF HEAVEN.
WE ASK THIS IN THE NAME OF JESUS THE LORD AMEN.
Mourners: AMEN.
THROUGH THE MERCY OF GOD, MAY JACK AND ALL THE FAITHFUL DEPARTED REST IN THE PEACE OF CHRIST.
AMEN.
IN THE HOPE OF THE RESURRECTION, LET US LEAVE OUR BROTHER JACK KINNEY TO REST IN PEACE.
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND OF THE SON AND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT AMEN.
[ ?????? .]
CLAIRE, WOULD YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, PLEASE? DADDY DIED, MOTHER.
I AM ALLOWED TO FALL APART.
FINE THEN, FALL APART.
BILLY Emmett: CAN WE LEAVE? Ted: SHHH! Emmett: WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR MONTHS.
YEARS.
Melanie: DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD FOR CHRIST SAKE? SORRY, FATHER.
Michael: WE HAVE TO STAY FOR BRIAN.
HE HASN'T SAID A WORD.
Melanie: OR EVEN CRIED.
WELL, CLAIRE'S DOING A BANG-UP JOB FOR EVERYBODY.
Claire: [ Sobbing .]
WHAT'S IN THE BAG, UNCLE BRI? GRANDPA'S HEAD.
DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT? WE BETTER GO.
WE HAVE TO PICK UP GUS.
AND I, UH, HAVE SOMEBODY STAYING WITH ME, SO I SHOULD YOU DO? YOU DON'T.
OH, EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
UM, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE [ Loud sniffle .]
IF WE ALL SHARED SOME MEMORIES OF DADDY.
UH, FATHER, WOULD YOU START? [ Loud sniffle .]
I MUST CONFESS I DIDN'T KNOW HIM WELL.
HE NEVER CAME TO MASS.
UH UM [ Sniffle .]
ANYONE ELSE? IT IT WAS A WHILE AGO.
BRIAN AND I WERE IN COLLEGE.
HE HE TOLD ME ONCE I SMELLED NICE.
OH, AND THEN HE GAVE ME A MINT.
UH, I REMEMBER UM, THIS IS JUST AFTER I'D MET BRIAN, MR.
KINNEY TOOK US BOWLING.
UM, AND I'M A TERRIBLE BOWLER.
SO IS BRIAN.
I THINK OUR SCORE WAS, LIKE, NINE AFTER SEVEN FRAMES.
AND, UH, THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED.
BRIAN ROLLED THE BALL AND IT WAS HEADED TOWARDS THE GUTTER LIKE ALL THE REST, BUT THEN SUDDENLY IT CHANGED DIRECTION.
AND THERE WAS A STRIKE.
AND WE WERE SO EXCITED AND WE WERE JUMPING UP AND DOWN THAT WE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT MR.
KINNEY HAD COME BACK FROM THE BAR AND SEEN THE WHOLE THING.
AND HE RAN OVER TO BRIAN AND HE PICKED HIM UP, AND HE HUGGED HIM AND HE KISSED HIM, AND HE TOLD HIM HOW PROUD HE WAS OF HIM.
AND OF COURSE, BRIAN GOT ALL EMBAR- RASSED AND RAN OFF.
I GUESS THAT MOMENT MEANT A LOT TO ME BECAUSE I NEVER HAD A FATHER AND I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT DAY AND THAT HUG.
[ Sobbing .]
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
THAT WAS A LOVELY STORY, MICHAEL.
Brian: YEAH, MICHAEL, THAT WAS LOVELY.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO SHARE SOME MEMORIES OF MY OWN.
SOMETHING WE COULD ALL TREASURE.
OR THE NIGHT THAT HE FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH ME.
HE TOLD MOM TO PUT ON HER MOST BEAUTIFUL DRESS, TOOK HER TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT IN TOWN, POURED HER A GLASS OF BUBBLY AND THEN GET THIS.
HE LEANED OVER AND HE SAID "JOANIE YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF AN ABORTION BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANOTHER FUCKING KID.
" [ Snorting .]
CLAIRE, DO YOU HAVE ANY- THING YOU WANT TO SHARE? Claire: [ Sob/sniffle .]
COME ON IN.
THANKS.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR BACKPACK OVER HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO SOMETHING? DAPH? HUH? OH YEAH, WHATEVER.
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO HEAR.
SO HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO TAKE? UM I DUNNO.
MAYBE AN HOUR.
'CAUSE I GOT TO BE HOME BY 6:00.
I PROMISED MY MOM AND MY GRANDMA'S COMING OVER FOR DINNER SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS THEN NO NO, I I DO.
[ Guitar ?????? .]
DO YOU HAVE ANY CONDOMS? [ Snorting .]
ARE YOU KIDDING? 'CAUSE I BROUGHT SOME IN CASE.
AND, UH, LUBRICANT, SPERMICIDAL FOAM.
YOU'RE REALLY PREPARED.
I GUESS WE SHOULD YEAH.
I GUESS WE SHOULD.
IN A WAY, THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME TOO.
I MEAN, WITH A GIRL AND YEAH.
WE CAN GIVE IT A SHOT TOGETHER.
ONLY AFTER- WARDS, DAPH LET'S NOT GET WEIRD.
WEIRD HOW? I DUNNO, JUST LET'S JUST NOT.
NO WEIRDNESS.
[ ?????? .]
Both: [ Light chuckle .]
[ ?????? .]
Both: [ Panting .]
DO YOU FEEL GOOD? YEAH.
[ ?????? .]
Ted: TALK ABOUT THE FUNERAL FROM HELL.
[ Giggling .]
I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HIS SISTER SCREAMING, "YOU SHIT! YOU SHIT!" WHAT ABOUT FATHER O'WHAT'S-HIS-FACE CARRYING HIS MOTHER UP TO HER ROOM.
[ Laughing .]
THEY DIDN'T COME DOWN FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR.
HMMM.
[ Chuckle .]
DO YOU THINK IT'S REALLY TRUE? WHAT HIS FATHER SAID? AH, YOU KNOW, BRIAN'S ALWAYS TRYING TO SHOCK EVERYBODY.
BUT SOMEHOW I BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE GROWING UP IN THAT HOUSE? HOW DID HE EVER SURVIVE? WHO'S TO SAY HE DID? HEY, THESE ARE KIND OF NICE.
YEAH.
YEAH, THEY'LL MAKE A FABULOUS CENTREPIECE FOR YOUR ROMANTIC DINNER FOR TWO.
I THINK I'LL USE THAT CHINA MY GRANDMOTHER LEFT ME.
MMMM.
PERFECT.
PERFECT, AND, UH, AND AND THE GOOD CRYSTAL.
I'M SURE BLAKE'LL APPRECIATE THAT.
FUCK YOU.
EXCUSE ME? I ALREADY TOLD YOU, HE'S NOT USING.
OKAY, UM, CAN I CAN I HAVE A SHOW OF HANDS? UH, HOW MANY PEOPLE THINK THE TWINK IS NO LONGER TWEAKING? NO ONE.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE ALL WRONG.
NO, TEDDY, YOU ARE.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.
JEALOUS? JEALOUS THAT I'VE ACTUALLY FOUND SOMEBODY WHO CARES ABOUT ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME.
HE'S USING YOU, TEDDY.
THAT'S WHAT USERS DO.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
AND YOU JUST DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
YOU'RE LIKE EVERY OTHER FAG IN THE WORLD.
Michael: YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE.
AH! FOR WHAT? YOU KNOW DAMN WELL.
HE WAS YOUR DAD.
EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T ALWAYS NICE TO YOU, WHEN YOU DIE, YOU DESERVE A LITTLE RESPECT.
BULLSHIT.
IF YOU DON'T EARN RESPECT WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.
ANYWAY, YOU WERE VERY RESPECTFUL.
EVERYONE WAS VERY TOUCHED BY YOUR LITTLE MEMORY.
ONLY YOU DON'T REMEMBER SHIT.
[ Snorting of drug .]
WANT SOME? HAVEN'T YOU ABUSED YOUR- SELF ENOUGH? NO! I GOT A STRIKE THAT DAY Brian: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
AND WE WERE JUMPING UP AND DOWN, SCREAMING.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT TOO.
AND THAT'S WHEN JACK CAME BACK FROM THE BAR AND SURPRISED US.
BUT HE DIDN'T HUG ME.
THAT WAS JUST YOUR "GEE, I WISH I HAD A DADDY" FANTASY.
YOU HUGGED ME.
REMEMBER? AND I GAVE YOU A BIG KISS.
[ Sniffing .]
THEN THAT'S WHEN HE SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU, A COUPLA FUCKIN' FAIRIES?" AND THEN I PUSHED YOU AWAY SO HARD, YOU PRACTICALLY ROLLED DOWN THE LANE.
AND THEN I RAN.
AND I RAN AND IT'S HOT IN HERE.
[ Popping of buttons .]
MAYBE COFFEE WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
STAY HERE WITH ME.
OKAY.
JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT.
[ Laughing .]
YOU'RE HIGH.
YEAH.
[ Groan .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WAIT I'M JUST FOOLING AROUND.
NO.
NO! WAIT.
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED, MICHAEL? WHAT? A DRUNKEN FUCK SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT YOUR DAD? I NEVER WANTED THAT.
[ ?????? .]
YOU ARE THE BEST KISSER, HANDS DOWN.
[ Giggle .]
NO.
NO-NO, SWEETHEART.
THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
PUT 'EM PUT 'EM BACK UP.
RIGHT.
ATTABOY.
[ ?????? .]
'SCUSE ME LOVER, I, UH I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OKAY? DON'T YOU DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERE.
STAY RIGHT THERE, OKAY? [ ?????? .]
'SCUSE ME.
NO THANKS.
NO THANKS WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO DANCE.
I WASN'T GOING TO ASK.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE US? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M EMMETT HONEYCUTT, TED SCHMIDT'S FRIEND.
YEAH, WE, UM WE MET HERE THE OTHER NIGHT, WHEN, UH YOU WERE SO TWEAKED YOU PASSED OUT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
WE HAD TO RUSH YOU TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
ANY OF THIS STARTING TO RING A BELL? I REMEMBER NOW.
GOOD! GOOD FOR YOU.
SO YOU YOU FEELING BETTER? NOW THAT TED'S LETTING ME STAY WITH HIM.
THAT'S OUR BOY.
SO, UH, TELL ME, WHY AREN'T YOU THERE, UH, TALKING TO HIM INSTEAD OF HERE TALKING TO A DEALER? HIM? HE'S JUST A FRIEND.
[ Scoffing .]
HONEY DON'T BULLSHIT ME.
TED, MAYBE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS.
BUT, UH BUT WE DO.
OH YES, WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS ONCE YOU'VE INJEC- TED CRYSTAL METH INTO THOSE SKINNY LITTLE ARMS.
I TRIED TO WARN HIM BUT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.
IN FACT HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE BELIEVES YOU'RE CLEAN.
IMAGINE THAT.
I LOVE HIM TOO.
NO.
YOU LOVE DRUGS.
SO GET DRUGS.
HERE, I WILL EVEN GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
BUT LEAVE HIM ALONE, BECAUSE IF YOU BREAK HIS HEART, I WILL BREAK YOUR FACE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG.
[ ?????? .]
?? COME, MY LADY, COME, COME, MY LADY ?? ?? YOU'RE MY BUTTERFLY SUGAR BABY ?? ?? COME, MY LADY, COME, COME, MY LADY ?? ?? YOU'RE MY BUTTERFLY SUGAR BABY ?? ?? SUCH A SEXY, SEXY PRETTY LITTLE THING ?? HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I JUST THOUGHT I'D DROP IN AND SAY HI.
HI, SEPTEMBER.
HI, JUSTIN.
UH, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO EAT ON THE HOUSE? OH, YEAH.
UM, A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE.
I'M ON A DIET.
I GOTTA GET READY FOR THE PROM.
OKAY.
September: I SUPPOSE YOU TWO ARE GOING TOGETHER? [ Giggling .]
DAPHNE, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? OVER HERE.
DID YOU SAY ANYTHING? ABOUT WHAT? OH THAT.
OH, THAT.
WE NEVER SAID IT WAS A SECRET.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE? THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IS PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRAIGHT.
BESIDES, IT WAS NICE.
I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH SOMEONE.
WELL THEN, I GUESS IT'S OKAY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD DO SOMETHING WHEN YOU GET OFF.
MMM, I CAN'T.
I HAVE PLANS.
WHAT PLANS? JUST PLANS.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND? WE BROKE UP.
YOU DID? THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE I REALIZED WE DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THAT MUCH IN COMMON.
I I THOUGHT YOU HAD AMAZING I.
M.
SESSIONS.
THEY WEREN'T THAT AMAZING.
HE CAN'T SPELL.
AND LATELY WE'VE BEEN RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO CHAT ABOUT.
THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU AND ME.
[ Snorting .]
I SAT THERE WAITING FOR HIM FOR HOURS.
WELL, MAYBE HE FORGOT.
OR HAD OTHER PLANS.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DINNER.
THE ROAST WAS IN THE OVEN.
THE WINE WAS CHILLING.
THE FLOWERS WERE ON THE TABLE.
FINALLY I WENT OUT DRIVING AROUND.
CHECKING ALL THE BARS, THE CLUBS, I I I COULD I COULDN'T FIND HIM.
ALWAYS THE WAY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO RUN INTO SOMEONE, THEY'RE THE FIRST PERSON YOU SEE.
YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEONE, AND THEY'RE NOWHERE DO YOU MIND IF WE STAY ON TRACK HERE? PLEASE? SURE.
THANK YOU.
[ Heavy sigh .]
HE NEVER CAME HOME.
HOME? WELL, UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL THE POLICE STATION OR THE HOSPITALS.
OR THE MORGUE.
OH, THANKS A FUCKING LOT.
WELL, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.
WELL THEN WOULD YOU MAKE A HELPFUL SUGGESTION.
Woman: [ On intercom .]
Mr.
Novotny, register 19.
Mr.
Novotny, register 19.
THAT'S ME.
GOTTA GO.
YOU WANT A HELPFUL SUGGESTION? FORGET ABOUT WHY HE LEFT OR WHERE HE WENT, AND JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT HE'S GONE.
Emmett: I gotta go.
SO GLAD I CALLED.
Melanie: NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE SLEEP ON FUTONS.
YEAH, WHY DIDN'T YOU BUY A MATTRESS AT A DEPARTMENT STORE? [ Laughing .]
LINDSAY, DARLING, SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO FIELD THAT ONE? BECAUSE I SAW AN AD, 50% OFF.
OH, OKAY.
SO IN ORDER TO SAVE 100 BUCKS, YOU RUN THE RISK OF PERMANENT BACK INJURY.
MMM.
WOMEN ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD.
WHY IS THAT A WOMAN THING? BECAUSE NO GUY, UNLESS HE HAD MONEY ISSUES, WOULD DO SOME- THING LIKE THAT.
Melanie: PUSH.
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.
YOU GET WEIRD ABOUT SEX.
AFTER I HAD SEX WITH MY FRIEND DAPHNE, SHE FUCKING FLIPPED OUT.
Lindsay & Melanie: WHAT!? YOU SLEPT WITH DAPHNE? SHE WANTED ME TO BE HER FIRST TIME.
WELL HOW WAS IT? IT WAS SHE'S GOING TO NEED PRACTICE.
ANYWAY, WE SAID THAT NOTHING WOULD CHANGE, AND IT TOTALLY HAS.
I THINK SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT AS EASY FOR MOST WOMEN TO SEPARATE LOVE AND SEX AS IT IS FOR A MAN.
Melanie: YEAH.
THAT WAS ALWAYS MY BIG COMPLAINT WITH MEN.
Lindsay: ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME.
I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE ALLOWING SOMEONE TO COME INSIDE YOUR BODY.
I MEAN, YOU'VE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE TO ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE WITH THIS PERSON WHO'S MADE YOU FEEL LIKE A WAY YOU'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE.
SO NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY DAPHNE MIGHT BE IN LOVE WITH YOU? COME ON.
PUSH.
YES! PUSH.
All: [ Grunts of effort .]
I GOT A MESSAGE AT THE STORE TO DROP EVERYTHING.
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR BIG Q 24-HOUR CLEARANCE SALE.
THAT'S THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE YEAR.
HERE'S YOUR SHOES.
AFTER YOUR TOUCHING EULOGY, I DECIDED TO COME AND PAY MY RESPECTS TO JACK KINNEY.
WHERE WE ONCE BOWLED THE LARGEST NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE GUTTER BALLS EVER RECORDED.
MM-HMM.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? WE ROLL ONE FOR THE OLD FUCK? Men: [ Snickering .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
HETEROS: ONE.
HOMOS: NOTHING.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE PAID MY RESPECTS.
LET'S GO.
HOLD ON.
[ ?????? .]
?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO WAKE UP IN THE SUN? ?? ?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO SHINE ON EVERYONE? ?? ?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE ?? Man: HEY! THAT'S RIGHT.
THE FUCKIN' FAIRIES GOT A STRIKE.
THE FUCKIN' FAIRIES ARE JUMPING UP AND DOWN.
THE FUCKIN' FAIRIES ARE GOING TO CELEBRATE.
[ Chuckling .]
[ ?????? .]
Man: THANK YOU.
HEY.
HEY.
YOU KNOW, THE NEW "PANSY DIVISION" JUST CAME IN.
YOU WANT TO HEAR? OH, NO THANKS.
SOME OTHER TIME.
THAT'S A REALLY COOL SHIRT.
GOES WITH YOUR EYES.
[ Scoffing .]
DAPH, YOU'VE SEEN IT LIKE A MILLION TIMES.
MM.
GUESS I NEVER NOTICED.
BUT I DO NOW.
UH, ACTUALLY, THE REASON THAT I'M HERE UH WELL, I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU AN E-MAIL BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I CAME IN PERSON.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TONIGHT? I MEAN MY PARENTS AREN'T GOING TO BE HOME AND NO! I MEAN IT THIS IS FINE.
ACTUALLY, I JUST I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND.
THAT I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE WE HAD SEX ONCE, DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE'RE NOW BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND.
I NEVER SAID WE WERE.
YOU'RE CALLING ME, LIKE, EIGHT TIMES A DAY.
I HAVEN'T CALLED YOU EIGHT TIMES.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT WAS ELEVEN.
I'M NOT COUNTING THREE HANG-UPS.
AND THAT CARD.
"FRIENDSHIP IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF LOVE" DAPH ALL RIGHT, I GET THE POINT.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU'VE SLEPT WITH AS MANY GUYS AS YOU HAVE, I'M SURE THAT'S ALL IT WAS: ANOTHER FUCK.
AH I NEVER SAID IT WAS JUST ANOTHER FUCK.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH THAT MANY GUYS.
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT IT HERE? I'VE GOT TO WORK.
DAPH I WAS DOING YOU A FAVOUR.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS MEANT TO BE AND NOW YOU'VE TOTALLY GOTTEN WEIRD, WHICH WE AGREED WOULD NOT HAPPEN.
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO GOT WEIRD.
EVER SINCE YOU MET BRIAN, YOU'VE BE- COME THIS TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON.
YOU GO OUT WITH HIM ALL THE TIME TO BARS AND CLUBS.
IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
YOU'VE JUST BECOME THIS FULL- TIME HOMOSEXUAL.
[ Laboured breathing .]
HOW'D YOU FIND ME? DIDN'T I TELL YOU? BESIDES BEING AN ACCOUNTANT, I'M ALSO A PART-TIME SLEUTH.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
YEAH.
SHEER TERROR PIQUES MY WIT.
YOUR HANDS ARE COLD.
I WANT YOU TO COME BACK.
I CAN'T.
DON'T ARGUE.
I'LL SCREW EVERYTHING UP.
YOU WON'T.
I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I WANT YOU TO GO NOW.
PLEASE.
AND LEAVE YOU SLEEPING ON THIS MATTRESS THAT SOME ASSHOLE THREW UP ON? I'M THE ONE WHO THREW UP ON IT.
MY BREATH STINKS.
I DON'T CARE.
[ Opera ?????? .]
THAT OPERA "LA TRAVIATA".
[ Sniffle .]
YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW IT ENDS.
DOES WHAT'S- HIS-NAME MARRY THE SLUT? OF COURSE.
DESPITE THE WISHES OF HIS CRUEL FATHER.
AND THEY LIVE TO SING MANY GLORIOUS DUETS.
WHOA.
WHAT ARE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, COME ON.
IT'S COLD.
PATIENCE, YOUNG FELLA, PATIENCE.
NOW WHAT? [ ?????? .]
?? TREATED YOU LIKE A RUSTY BLADE ?? ?? A THROWAWAY FROM ?? SO LONG, JACK.
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
[ ?????? .]
?? TRIED TO TELL YOU I NEVER KNEW ?? ?? IT COULD BE SO SWEET ?? ?? WHO COULD EVER BE SO CRUEL? ?? ?? BLAME THE DEVIL FOR THE THINGS YOU DO ?? [ ?????? .]
?? IT'S SUCH A SELFISH WAY TO LOSE ?? ?? THE WAY YOU LOSE THESE WASTED BLUES ?? ?? THESE WASTED BLUES ?? ?? TELL ME THAT IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ?? ?? NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN ?? ?? TELL ME THAT IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ?? ?? NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN ?? ?? TELL ME THAT IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ?? ?? NOBODY'S FAULT BUT MY OWN ?? CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS MOO!