Roseanne s01e19 Episode Script

dan, come on.
get up.
dan, get up.
come on, dan.
boy, it's a beautiful morning.
the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and let's get up and embrace the wondrousness of it all.
you embrace it.
come on, get up.
we gotta earn a living.
let the kids do it.
they're younger.
d.
j.
: hey, mom.
hey, you're supposed to knock, pard.
sorry.
mom, will you buy me some finger paint? no.
i have to paint a picture of the family for school.
can you paint us independently wealthy so we don't have to go to work anymore? - sure.
- groovy, i'll buy it for you.
all right, rembrandt, go wake up your sisters.
all right! good morning, honey.
good morning.
jACKIE: supremes.
hey, you know we sound pretty good.
i think we're ready to blow this joint and take it on the road.
yeah, we could do up our hair big and maybe get down some groovy dance routines.
yeah, and then we could like go on the road and o.
d.
on drugs while some fat cat rakes in our royalties and we die penniless and on welfare.
that's a pretty picture, sister.
we get up on the wrong side of bed this morning? there is no wrong side of the bed when there's a man in it.
well, there is if he's still in the quilt and snoring like a big, old hog.
come on, 5:30! get me out of this life-sucking dump now! - i hear that.
- cRYSTAL: oh.
know what i do when i get down about this joint? you let a smile be your umbrella.
does this fantasy involve cognac and candlelight? - um, definitely.
- what do you do, douse him with the cognac and then light him on fire? - quiet, you guys.
there he is.
listen up everybody.
i got an important announcement to make.
you're a woman trapped in a man's body? that's very funny, roseanne.
actually, i wanted to inform you about tonight's mandatory overtime.
- rOSEANNE: no! - jACKIE: what? if i don't get that jorgensen order out, i'm looking at layoffs.
could have given us some warning.
i didn't know the machine was gonna break down.
i don't like this any more than you do.
you don't do as much as we do.
yeah, in fact, what do you do, booker? i fire people that don't work overtime.
hey, sis, give me a quarter, would you? - i gotta call up my kids.
- you know the rules, roseanne.
booker says we can only use the phone at coffee breaks.
oh, who died and left you hall monitor? oh, cut it out.
it's gonna add up to a nice piece of change for you guys.
yeah, now we can afford that stone lion for our villa in france.
no, come on.
it's gonna be a nice wad of cash.
just give me the quarter and keep your two cents, would you, sis? jeez, there's more things in life than money.
i know, i can't afford any of 'em.
will you call my house for me, roseanne? well, you know the rules, crystal.
my boy's babysitter leaves at 5:30.
ask her to stay till i get home? - will you cover for me? - deal.
hurry.
hey.
where are you going? i got a board of directors meeting over here.
look, this isn't a break.
i need you on the machine.
well, i need you off my back.
i gotta call my kids about dinner.
do it on a break.
well, what am i supposed to do? call 'em at 5:15 and tell 'em to break out a can of sardines? listen, roseanne.
look, i'm sorry.
it's not my problem.
not now, but i mean it could be your problem 'cause if i'm sitting there worrying about my kids i could screw up and you wouldn't make your quota.
come on, booker.
this is a chance to redeem your really bad karma.
all right, make it snappy.
i don't want everybody else in here making calls.
- thanks, book.
- uh-huh.
hello? - becky? - oH, HI, mOM.
hi, honey, listen.
i've only got a second and i need you to do me a big favor.
call up dwight at the store, and tell him to drive over to your dad's jobsite.
he knows where it is.
are you writing this down? yes, mother.
okay, tell dwight to tell dad- you're not writing this down at all, are you? yes, i am.
bECKY.
all right.
oKAY, TELL dWIGHT TO TELL dAD that i got overtime tonight so he has to pick up dinner for you kids.
great, can we get chipper chicken? well, you can get happy hamster for all i care.
just make sure that you fold up all the clothes that are in the dryer, and then take the garbage out to the curb and make sure you clean up the dishes.
sure, mom.
bye.
tHANKS, HONEY.
darlene, get down here.
coming.
what? take your books out of here and put 'em up in your room.
but dad, i'm gonna do my homework in here later.
pick 'em up now.
i want this place cleaned up before your mother gets home.
hello, yeah.
give me a large deluxe with everything, including anchovies.
- no anchovies.
- just a minute.
- what do you want on your pizza? - pineapple.
pineapple? this ain't a luau, don ho.
i like it.
it's yellow.
yellow.
okay, yeah.
make that pine- yeah, i'll hold.
damn it! - dad, where's the eyedropper? i gotta give pebbles water.
- look in the junk drawer.
yeah, right, that's a large pizza with everything, pineapple, no anchovies.
- right, bye.
- what are you doing? - ordering dinner.
- didn't you get my message? i sure did, becky! oh, boy! punishment.
- eat it, doggie breath.
- ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
oh, knock it off, both of you.
well, i see you wrote it down.
you just didn't read it.
i'm sorry, okay? i spaced out.
becky, i ask you to do one thing and you didn't do any of 'em.
you gotta learn some responsibility here.
i mean, you are the oldest daughter, the second woman in command.
you're the heiress to my throne here.
all right, i'll go fold the royal underwear.
everything's under control.
the pizza's on its way.
everything is cool.
ohmm this is a pretty picture.
is this the one for school? there's daddy and me and becky and you.
- where's darlene? - right there.
that looks like a bunch of flowers.
i know.
that' hey, i heard about the overtime.
how long? i don't know.
two weeks maybe.
oh, man, that's really gonna be tight.
i gotta finish roofing that garage, plus i got two driveways to pour.
plus dwight says they might have a drywall job lined up for me.
plus we gotta live through it.
well, hopefully we will, but it's really gonna take some teamwork though.
hey, becky, get in here.
we gotta discuss something.
oh, god, this ain't the ward cleaver speech, is it? hey, guys, we got a tough couple of weeks coming up here.
i'm gonna be working late.
your mother's going on overtime.
so that means you guys are going on overtime too.
in addition to your regular chores, you're really gonna have to take up the slack here.
d.
j.
's wiping paint on me! what a nerd.
d.
j.
, you know better than that.
don't anybody move.
pebbles got loose.
- eww! - oh, for crying out loud.
bECKY: oh, come here, baby.
get that little rat back in the box! eww! why did i even think i could get anything accomplished? temporary insanity.
oh, you stepped in some pebbles of your own here, dan.
that's it, i give up! well, you can't give up, honey.
all we need's a little organization around here.
we'll assign everybody chores.
yeah, we can make a list.
i'll write it down.
spoken like a true heiress to the throne here.
all right, i'm ready.
okay, rule number one: no painting in the house.
and rule number two- no animals in the house.
rule number three: no- - dARLENE: mom! - no children in the house.
well, at least we're gonna make a little extra money.
that's what you think.
i did some figurin' last night.
by the time i pay my daytime baby-sitter, and then pay her extra to drive my boy across town to the nighttime sitter, and then pay for all the gasoline, i figure this overtime is costing me a $1.
25 an hour.
- don't forget to add in the guilt.
- tell me about it.
yeah, isn't it awful feeling like an absentee mother? oh, qué milagro.
look who's here.
well, so glad you could join us, sis.
well, thanks for having me.
well, i hope our work's not getting in the way of your break.
a little bit, but hey, we're all family.
well, far be it from us to stand in the way of your leisure time.
maybe we could start coming in on the weekends to take up your slack.
when i'm late, at least i don't blame my husband and the kids.
no, you make up some outrageous lie.
hey, if i'm late it's 'cause i'm late.
well, don't be and we'll get out of here faster.
that's right.
i'm sick of working all these hours.
i'm sick of hearing you whine about it.
- well, just start working and we'll stop whining.
- get off of it! it's bad enough i gotta take that crap from booker.
i'm not gonna take it from you guys.
hey, knock off the yelling in there.
we're just practicing the company cheer, booker.
- what the hell is this? - cRYSTAL: what? there's only two prongs on these forks.
somebody didn't check the metering gauge.
all seven of these cases are ruined.
- who was on that gauge? - jackie.
- crystal.
- i did it the first hour.
you were supposed to do it.
- no, i wasn't.
- yes, you were.
- don't blame me! - why not? it's your fault.
ahh! there, i feel better now.
the machine's all fixed.
let's resume work.
all right, you're gonna have to make up these seven cases for me.
- we could do it tomorrow, booker.
- no, you'll do it tonight.
you all have an extra hour of overtime.
give me a break! you give me an extra set of seven cases of forks, and i'll give you one.
i suppose you're gonna point the finger at me.
yeah, and you know which one.
hi, d.
j.
what are you doing? never mind.
i don't care.
you know the rule is no painting in the house.
i wanted to watch tv.
well, you gotta fully develop your brain first before you rot it out.
clean up your mess.
bECKY: mom, where have you been? i was supposed to go over to diane's tonight and study.
- diane who? - only my best friend since kindergarten.
oh.
where's your daddy? he went to pick up darlene at band practice.
darlene who? becky? there's paint all over the rug.
oh, pebbles got loose and ran across d.
j.
's painting.
well, this paint better come up, or that pig's gonna be mounted above the fireplace.
don't worry.
it's washable.
well, then wash it, and find another place to live.
- but, dad! - don't "dad" me, young lady.
- i don't wanna hear another word.
- where've you been? standing in front of south elementary gym for the last hour looking for your daughter.
mom, i couldn't help it.
the band room was locked.
for 45 minutes? i thought you were kidnapped.
i wish i had been.
well, go up to your room and leave the window open.
maybe you'll get lucky.
where were you? - i had an extra hour of overtime.
- why didn't you call? i did.
i tried three times, but the line was busy, becky! this house is falling apart.
what happened to all those rules? they're hanging right there on the refrigerator door.
hey, at least i help you clean up the kitchen.
oh, look! oh, god.
why is it a guy can hoist up a three-ton truck to look for an oil leak, but he can't lift a two-ounce toaster to clean up crumbs? ah, nobody looks under there.
well, nobody looks in your ears either, but you still clean them, don't ya? what? i knew you were gonna say that.
what's that? macaroni.
it'll burn off.
well, so will the ozone, eventually.
hey, i do my part around here.
that's more than most guys would do.
i do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, plus i do my job.
do i get a word of thanks? no.
well, join the club.
don't bellyache at me no more, honey.
i had the worst day.
i got in a fight with jackie, and then crystal started crying and- - what'd you wipe up this table with? - with a dishrag.
with what, jelly all over it? with syrup.
ah, it'll burn off, i guess.
hey, i'm gonna go lock myself in the bathroom and take a hot bath and slit my wrists.
- i'll get you some clean towels.
- thanks.
- you don't even wanna go in there.
- i don't? d.
j.
set off a paint bomb.
oh, honey, don't worry.
i'll clean it up.
mom, this paint is never gonna come off the rug.
go in there and get that spot remover.
help me clean up this mess, and then we'll go tackle the bathroom.
ha ha! i have your slippers and your bear! - give 'em to me! - ha ha, nerd brain! would you kids knock it off before somebody gets hurt? i mean it! all right, that's enough.
that's enough.
dan, i'm walking a fine line here.
- i gotta get out of this house for a while.
- you go on.
go, go, go, go.
go on, i'll clean it up.
don't worry.
- are you sure? - i'm positive.
go on, honey.
i'll take care of everything.
i'll help you later.
ha, ha, ha, ha! i have your slippers.
thanks, honey.
i owe you one.
dARLENE: peanut butter breath.
ha, ha, ha! i know.
- we're closed.
- well, the sign says 10:00.
- it is 10:00.
- no.
my watch says i still got eight minutes.
well, my feet say we're closed.
well, my eyes say that you're a woman who's worked hard all your life and you know what it's like to work three hours overtime, come home and see your house all torn up by three kids and have your old man yap about how he does more than any other guy he knows, and i need a cup of coffee real bad.
- the coffee's cold.
- that's fine.
oh, all right.
i gotta do my cleanup anyway.
- bless you.
- ha! if i was blessed, i wouldn't be working in this joint.
well, i bet you i hate my job worse than you hate yours.
- what do you do? - i rob diners.
no.
i punch out plastic all day in the factory.
huh.
paradise compared to this hell pit.
my other waitress quit during the dinner rush.
then i had an argument with the dishwasher.
and as an added bonus, eight square answers came in here, spent three hours, and left me a 78-cent tip.
hey, i always wondered how these things reproduced.
it's loads of fun.
hey, let me ask you something.
do you ever have to work overtime? honey, my whole life is overtime.
yeah, i know what you mean.
i gotta check in the hospital just to get a vacation.
as long as it isn't the maternity ward.
well, that's the truth.
could you possibly heat this up? help yourself.
microwave's right over there.
you know what i feel like? i've been thrown in a river and handed some boulders and told to swim upstream.
and it seems that all the harder i swim, the more boulders they hand me.
honey, wait'll you try it with arthritis.
yeah, but you gotta keep swimming, right? 'cause that's what all of us women do, just keep swimming.
ain't that the truth? you know what i used to do when i was a kid? i'd leave the lid off these things and leave it for the next customer, real loose-like.
i still do.
you know what else i do when things get a little tense around here? what? i deep-fry a couple of dishtowels.
oh, that's great.
i hardly cook at all anymore.
well, you married? i was.
my marvin passed away about seven years ago.
oh.
sorry to hear that.
i miss him.
he was a good man.
hardest part is going home at night to an empty house.
it's so damn quiet.
you know, sometimes i turn on the ballgame and turn it up real loud like he used to do.
and i hate sports.
but what are you gonna do? - hey, you.
- hey, you.
boy, this house looks immaculate.
you didn't have to do it.
i would've helped.
oh, that's okay.
i saved the bathroom for ya.
oh, then you really do love me.
here.
thank you.
where'd you find a flower this time of night? the cemetery.
picking out my plot, eh? the best day-old coffee in the world.
- feeling better? - much.
well, that's good, 'cause this paint ain't coming out.
ah, forget about it.
we'll just move.
hey, is that d.
j.
's picture? yeah, that's the one he's turning in at school.
dAN: look at the size of that sun.
oh, he's really into yellow, kind of like you and corn.
yeah.
check out those flowers.
kind of nice he can see something pretty in all this mess.
i'm just glad darlene's alive in this one.
- hey.
- hmm? - did you make up our bed? - yes, ma'am.
yeah, well, let's go unmake it.
sure you're not too tired? never.
well, all right, let's go.
- okay, i'm going.
- me too.
all right.
count of three.
one, two, three.
was it good for you? i'm spent.
- dan? - yeah? did you set that alarm? no.
well, you'd better.
you'll oversleep.
i don't care.
i'm not going to work tomorrow.
i'm entitled to a little r and r.
well, if you're not going, i ain't going.
fine.
yeah.
i think i'll sleep till noon, and then i'll go in and leisurely read the paper and sip my coffee, then i might come back to bed and take a nap.
me too.
so we're agreed then? agreed.
great.
- dan? - yeah? - is the alarm set? - yep.