The Golden Girls (1985) s01e19 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" I wouldn't bother getting another estimate.
For that bathroom repair, that's the lowest you'll see.
Are you kid? This is the highest I've seen.
Look.
$3,000! Hey, ladies, hire whoever you like, but I'm an expert.
I can take a toilet apart blindfolded.
Now there's a dying art.
What's your point? The point is, a lot of things can go wrong.
- Wood rot, loose plaster, cracked pipes.
- Crooked plumbers.
- Lady, what are you trying to say? - Get out.
All right.
I guess you ladies are going into your feminist phase a little late in life.
Oh, I'll go.
You'll call me back.
You know why? Because as we say in the plumbing game The nerve of that man, trying to intimidate us.
I mean, he must really think we're stupid.
Really stupid! How could we possibly need three dozen spud gaskets? What are spud gaskets? That what goes on the end of a hose bib.
We couldn't need more than a dozen at most.
Rose, how do you know about this? Oh, I know a lot about plumbing.
We always did our own plumbing on the farm.
'Course, we didn't actually get plumbing till I was 18.
Rose, tell me something.
How difficult would it be for us to repair that bathroom ourselves? It wouldn't be difficult at all.
Oh forget it, forget it.
It's a crazy idea.
You got that right.
You're not a mechanical person.
You never were.
For the first three months of your life, you tried to breast-feed off my cameo.
Rose, come on.
Do you really think we could do it? It might take a little time, but we'd sure save a lot of money.
Then let's give it a shot.
Great, my unmarried daughter wants to spend her weekend with a toilet.
Now I can die in peace.
Could I please borrow your long rhinestone chain? Of course, Blanche.
Why not? What's Dorothy gonna do with it, snake out a toilet? It's just so hard to dress for these dates with Richard.
I never know where we'll end up.
Oh, come on now, Blanche.
Even the paperboy knows where you'll end up.
You know what I mean.
With Richard, I have to be prepared for anything.
Last week, he asked me out to lunch.
We ended up going horseback riding.
I've always been afraid of dating a wealthy man.
Why, Rose? Fear of gold bullion? No.
It's just that sometimes, rich people think more about money than they do about people.
Richard's nothing like that and I don't think he ever could be.
He is simply the sweetest, kindest, most handsome man I've ever met.
Only I do have a small problem with his money.
Oh, why? You don't think you'll live long enough to spend it all? No.
I mean, I just don't want him to think that's the only reason I'm attracted to him.
That's why, whenever we're out together, I always pretend to be totally unimpressed by his wealth.
Isn't that kind of difficult? Oh, no, not at all.
I don't give a hoot how much he has.
Fact is, I think I'm falling in love.
Oh, come on now, Blanche.
Are you telling me that you'd feel the same way about him if he didn't have a dime to his name? Absolutely.
I'd just have to see other men behind his back.
Oh, come on.
Oh, my goodness, no! Oh, come back here! Oh.
I see you're right at home in a private jet.
Oh, well, I always try to take a private jet whenever I jet.
And here I thought I was impressing you.
Oh, well, it's a perfectly lovely jet, Richard, but there was really no need to fly all the way to Atlanta for dinner.
I'm just an old-fashioned girl.
I would have been very happy - with a quiet dinner at home.
- You would? Absolutely! I'll just tell the pilot to turn the plane around.
No, wait! Oh, that won't be necessary.
My goodness, we're 10,000 feet up.
Besides, I know how you have your heart set on it.
- Blanche, you're adorable.
- I know.
You know, I've dated a lot of women, and every single one of them has been impressed by the caviar and the expensive restaurants and the jet.
Hell, even I'm impressed by the jet.
I haven't been wealthy all my life, you know? - Oh, really? - No.
I started out in the shipping department of a large manufacturing company.
And after lots of hard work and long hours, ten years later, - I owned the company.
- Uh-huh.
And now, I own a lot of companies with branches all over the world.
And the amazing thing is, the work is just as exciting to me now as it was the day I started.
How about some champagne? This isn't meant to impress you.
This is just to get you tipsy.
Oh, Richard, you rascal! You know, I've made a lot of money and I've seen a lot of the world.
But there's still one thing in my life that's missing.
- What? - Someone to share it with.
- I was hoping you'd say that.
- Did that champagne kick in yet? No, but if you're ready to make your move, I can pretend it did.
Aah! Oh, Dorothy, you scared me.
What are you doing up so late? Honey, do you know what's behind that wall that you're banging on? A lateral fusion pipe.
And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe? - No.
- My head! I'm sorry.
It's just that I was so excited.
I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the face of plumbing as we know it.
Oh, great, Rose! Call the Ti-D-Bowl Man.
He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.
Oh, girls, I'm just so glad you're still up.
Wait till I tell you about my date! - Wait till I tell you about my discovery! - Let's hear it.
It came to me when I was enjoying my second cup of Ovaltine Richard flew me to Atlanta for dinner in his private jet! You're kidding! and that's when it hit me.
We don't even need our sludge tube.
Rose.
And then for dessert, he took me to this most romantic little bistro.
And while the waiter was glazing my peaches, Richard took my hand.
Know know what he said? - What? - Our biggest worry will be tank sweat.
Sorry.
He said that tomorrow, he wants to introduce me to his family.
If that is not the last step before a marriage proposal, - I don't know what is.
- Oh, that is wonderful! Girls, I'm so excited! Just imagine being Richard's wife.
I would be married to a gorgeous, intelligent man.
I'd be living like a queen! Think about it in your room, Your Highness.
I need to use the throne.
You're a wonderful plumber's assistant, Dorothy.
Boy, you sure know your way around a snake.
I've had a lot of experience.
After all, I was married to one for 38 years.
We're right on schedule.
We ought to have that toilet tank in by sundown.
By sundown, by sundown! Oh, this is such fun! - I know.
- This is so exciting.
This is so depressing.
Oh, it's Saturday night, I'm all nervous and jumpy because in a few hours, there will be a handsome new toilet at my door.
What's going on here? I walk into the bathroom, and instead of a toilet, there's a hole in the ground.
For a minute, I thought I was back in Sicily.
Sophia, I'm sure Blanche wouldn't mind if you use her bathroom.
I hate that bathroom.
There's plants everywhere and flowers on the toilet seat cover.
I feel like I'm going in the woods.
Gee, I hope that's our new toilet! Now that's a sentence you don't hear every day.
- Plumber.
- Could I see some identification? Come on in.
So you two are the proud parents of the new Dolan Standard Lowboy.
Yes, we're sending out engraved announcements.
You probably want to get her operational as soon as possible.
After all, she's quite a showpiece.
Where do I install it? Well, actually, Lou, we're going to install her ourselves.
Follow me.
- Hold it.
You're not serious? - Why not? Ladies, the installation of a toilet's a very delicate procedure.
You got to go to school, you got to be a trained technician, you got to be a man, for God's sakes! You know, to tell you the truth, Lou, women are capable of more than just cleaning these things.
Is that so? Well, as long as you ladies are playing plumber, why don't you play moving man, too? Fine, fine, we will! - Was that a plumber? - No, Ma, no.
It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.
- You let a plumber get away? - We don't need him! Like hell! I'm going after him.
Come on, Dorothy, let's move this little beauty.
- OK.
- Oh! Ooh.
Wait, wait.
No, honey, she won't budge.
I don't think we're going to be able to move it.
If the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.
Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.
Oh, come on.
Give me a minute, I'll think of something.
I'd love you to meet my roommates.
Unfortunately, they're not home right now.
I'll talk to you later, darling.
Bye.
Bye.
- Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.
- Oh, forget it.
Girls, I have something very important to tell you.
- What is it? - Look.
He proposed! Oh, Blanche, that is the biggest diamond I've ever seen! - I know.
- Oh, I think this is wonderful! It was wonderful! It was beautiful, it was romantic, it was just everything I dreamed it could be.
Oh, Blanche, we're so happy for you.
Well, don't be.
'Cause I can't marry him.
Why can't you marry him? You remember I told you Richard wanted to introduce me to his family? I thought it would be his little old gray-haired mama and his spinster aunt.
- Turns out, he has two kids.
- Blanche, we've all got kids.
But these are seven and nine.
They're practically babies! Babies need a momma.
Goodness, I've already raised my family.
I don't have the energy to go through that again.
Well, then Blanche, how could you accept his proposal? Because it was the moment I've been dreaming about and everything was just so perfect and before I knew it, I said, "Yes.
" Only now, I have to tell him no.
But how can I say no to the man I love? I can't even say no to the men I like! I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Blanche, honey, calm down.
Let's talk it out.
You'll feel better.
Oh, there's nothing to talk about.
I already know what both of you are gonna say.
Dorothy will say he's too good to give up over something like this and she'd marry him.
You'll say he's been nothing but trouble from the start and you wouldn't marry him.
- I'd marry him! - Oh, I wouldn't.
What? Well, no! I don't want to be a mother again either.
Oh, I'd love to be a mother again.
Scrubbing socks, picking up toys? Tucking in beds, packing healthy lunches.
- Phone calls, pajama parties? - Dance recitals, baseball games.
- Cooking? - Singing.
- Worrying? - Praying.
Girls! I thought we came in here to discuss my problem.
Sorry, Blanche.
I just hate myself for feeling this way, but I don't want to be a mother again.
I mean, it was a wonderful experience at the time, but I always thought this part of my life was supposed to be for me.
Honey, I understand exactly how you feel.
I feel the same way.
You know, at our age we should be grandmothers, not mothers.
Once a week, the grandchildren come over for a visit.
You cook them dinner, they spill it on the furniture.
They hide under your bed.
You hurt yourself looking for them.
They ask you what those spots on your hands are.
They tell you they love you and then just before total exhaustion sets in, they go home and become their mother's problems.
What about the good things, like Mother's Day? Oh, the Mother's Days we used to have on the farm.
First of all, the kids would wake me up by brushing our cat, Mr.
McTavish, against my ear.
Then they'd give me breakfast in bed - Belgian waffles and buttermilk.
And then they'd paint faces on their socks and do a little puppet show called "Elf Kingdom.
" And then everybody would tickle each other until the whole family was throwing up together.
Oh, dear.
I'm just so confused.
Oh, honey, listen.
You need more time.
Right now you're too upset to make the right decision.
Maybe you could spend a few days with Richard and his children.
- See how it goes.
- Oh, I don't know.
What if they hate me? What if I hate them? Honey, what if you all end up liking each other? Yeah, I guess I could at least give it a chance.
OK, and that's what I'm gonna do.
Dorothy, I got to talk to you.
I owe you a big apology.
For what, Ma? For what I said before.
About you not knowing a thing about plumbing.
Dorothy, you're a genius.
Ma, wait a minute.
What are you talking about? I walk into the living room and there's a toilet in front of the television set.
It's an old lady's dream come true! Grasp the valve tightly with your hand.
OK.
Turn it clockwise until scum gathers on your elbow joint.
Oh, I'm sorry, I skipped page 62.
Listen, Rose Rose, this is not working! We've been here a whole week and nothing has gone right! I'm ready to throw in the wrench and start using the Texaco station down the street! Dorothy, don't panic.
You just need a break.
Why don't we just wash our hands and have a nice cup of tea.
Rose! Turn it off! I can't make it stop! Very nice job, ladies.
- Who let you in here? - I did.
Lucky I had his card! Looks like we've taken a few wrong turns here.
For your information, this is exactly the way we wanted it to look.
Oh, yeah? You got Siamese twins living here? Look, Lou, we really don't need your help.
With all due respect, I think it's time you threw in the dishtowel.
I mean, trying to fix it yourself was cute, but you proved your point and it's time to let a man take over.
- I'm with Lou.
- Get your coat.
Lou is leaving.
Hey, not so hard! I work with my hands! You're making a big mistake.
The man may be a moron, - but he knows how to fix a toilet! - It's fine with me.
The longer I let you do it yourself, the more I'm gonna get paid when you finally call.
Yeah, well, I have news for you, Lou.
We are not calling.
Ever! You ladies haven't seen the last of me.
And you want to know why? Because, as we say in the plumbing game, it's nev - Hi, girls.
- When did you get back? Oh, a few minutes ago.
What a day! I'm exhausted.
- Oh, where did you go? - Bermuda! Richard had a last-minute appointment, so it was just me and the kids.
Oh, we had a terrific time though - swimming and playing and talking.
They're lovely children.
- Does this mean you'll marry Richard? - I don't know.
I don't understand.
If you and the kids hit it off, then what's the problem? Well, I hardly ever see Richard.
Today was the third time this week he's had a last-minute meeting and I had to spend the day with the kids.
- He's a busy man.
- Too busy.
Even little Richard came up to me and said, "Now, don't worry.
This happens all the time.
" Little Richard was in Bermuda? Yes, Rose.
He was burying Fats Domino in the sand.
Go ahead, Blanche.
Richard's always talking about how much his children mean to him.
And I know they do, but, you know, he hardly has time for them.
Or for me.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe the main reason he wants me for his wife is because he needs a mother for his children.
Honey, if you think that's true, you'd better find out.
I intend to.
I'm gonna ask him straight out at dinner tonight.
I just hope he has the answer I want to hear.
No.
No, no.
Don't worry, I'll be there tomorrow.
We'll handle the situation.
Tell Gresham we can get together next week.
No, he'll have to come here.
I can't go to the coast.
No, we're gonna have to try to keep that whole week clear for my honeymoon.
Some time around the 17th.
lif you can close it, all right, do so.
Call me.
I'm on the plane.
Sorry, dear.
To Blanche Deveraux, the most wonderful woman in the world.
- Now, Richard, you stop that.
- No, I mean it.
And my kids agree with me.
They're really crazy about you.
Richard, there's something I have to ask you.
- I have something to ask you, too.
- OK, you first.
Where would you like to go on our honeymoon? I thought I'd surprise you and take you to Paris, but then I started thinking.
Maybe you don't like Paris.
Maybe you'd rather cruise to the islands or visit the Orient.
Richard.
Oh, I just love the way that ring looks on you.
So do I.
- Richard? - Mm? You know I am very, very fond of you, but I think we have a problem.
A problem? Let's look at it.
When you first proposed to me, the thing that scared me the most was the idea of being a mother again.
Especially to such small children.
I wasn't sure I could do it.
In fact, I wasn't sure I even wanted to do it.
But then I got to know the kids and I realized they aren't the issue.
The real problem is I'm third in your life.
Richard, you know your work comes first, then the children, then me.
And that kind of marriage just can't work.
At least, it can't for me.
Blanche, I can be there for all of you.
I can do it.
I've been able to do just about anything I set my mind to.
I know I can do this too.
Richard, nobody can do it all.
Now, as well as I get along with those kids, they need you.
They're growing up without you, Richard, and it's hurting them.
Right now, the most important thing should be the children.
Not getting married.
And not Gresham on the coast.
And not trying to squeeze in a week for a honeymoon.
Oh, this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to say to anybody.
You can't marry me.
Not now, not yet.
Listen, why don't you call up the kids and tell them they're spending tonight with their daddy? And then, after awhile, if you still want to be a husband, why, you just let me know.
Bye.
Dorothy, do you want to do the honors? Maybe later.
In private.
No, I mean fasten the floor flange.
That's all we have left to do.
No, honey, you go ahead.
Later, I'll break a bottle of champagne over the flush valve.
Oh, girls, it is beautiful! I'm so proud of you! Thanks, Blanche.
Hey, are you going out? - Yes.
- Oh, I'm glad.
You know, we've been so worried about you.
I guess you can cry just so long and eat just so much.
Then you have to pull yourself together and get on with your life.
Besides, there'll be other Richards.
'Course, they won't be as charming or as handsome or as rich.
I'd better stop, I'm starting to depress myself again.
Sophia, look! Isn't it wonderful? What do you think? Looks like a bathroom.
A bathroom that works! And you were so sure that we couldn't do it ourselves.
Watch.
Girls, come on.
One, two, three! Knock it off.
It's water, not oil.