Home Improvement s01e20 Episode Script

Dad, when's this gonna look like a birdhouse? Soon, son.
Very soon.
Remember, God is in the details, and details are what make me a craftsman and you a craftsboy.
So what are you making now? - Fireplace.
- A fireplace? Yes.
Even birds need a place to put their bowling trophies on.
Ooh, ooh.
You know what? I have some really cute little lace curtains from an old dollhouse of mine in the attic.
I was saving it for the daughter we never had.
No, no.
This is a man's birdhouse.
The next thing we put in is a leather recliner.
So that little bird can kick back, put his thin little legs up on the ottoman, pick up the paper, read it, put it back on the floor, and poop on the paper.
Well, you're the expert.
All right.
Mark, this has got to dry for about 30 minutes and then we install the Jacuzzi.
You know, I could live in this house.
You got the legs for it.
Tim, I want your opinion about a dress.
Save yourself, run! Go now, run! It's too late for me, run! Get out of here, go! - I'll distract her - Very cute.
Which dress do you like? Uh either one.
They both look nice.
I don't wanna look nice.
I wanna look different.
Well, put them both on.
Go for that layered look.
Come on, Tim.
I want to make an impression at this opera fundraiser.
When are you going to an opera fundraiser? - We're going Saturday night.
- Saturday night? I told you about it this Wednesday morning.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I most certainly did.
- You just weren't listening, as usual.
- Oh, I wasn't listening.
Why don't you repeat these things? Every time you say something important you're walking out.
Oh, honey, by the way, this is very important.
The health of our family relies on this, you know Saturday night.
Well, did you keep Saturday night open? Why should I? I didn't know what all that was.
- Why didn't you ask me? - Why didn't you repeat it? I'm repeating it now.
We're going.
- Oh, man! - Oh, come on, Tim.
It's gonna be lovely.
They're singing highlights from The Barber of Seville.
A stage full of 300-pound porkers going, I got a big haircut! I got a big haircut! Oh! They screwed up my bangs! You should have used conditioner He said Ho-ho! We're going.
Oh, oh, I almost forgot.
Don't forget to pick up the boutonniere and a corsage for tomorrow! I didn't hear you! I didn't hear you! I didn't hear you! I didn't hear you! Spring is right around the corner.
AI, what do you look forward to at springtime? Turning my clock ahead, Tim.
You party animal, you, AI.
When most people think of spring, they think of spring cleaning, and nothing more important than cleaning your engine.
Lisa? AI and Lisa are pushing out the engine out of my wife's car.
Just kidding.
This is a very filthy aluminum high-rise, and four-barrel carburetor.
Thank you, Lisa.
And after a long, hard winter, you wanna gap your plugs flush your dirty radiator clean, and make sure your hose doesn't leak.
Let's not get too personal, AI.
The first thing you want to do is decrease this bad boy using Binford's new Engine Clean.
It's perfect for home, auto and airplane.
All you gotta do is spray it on a hot engine, rinse it off with ordinary tap water.
At this point your wife may look at you going, What are you doing, cleaning the dirty old engine, you dumb ox? The floor needs cleaning! At this point, I usually take the hood and go, dink.
That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time.
- P.
O.
Box 3-2-7-3 - Al, AI, AI I think the women know that I'm just joshing.
Besides, why would a woman be looking under the hood of a car? We don't look under the washing machine, do we? That's P.
O.
Box 3-2-7-3-3, Detroit MI.
Anyway, the way a man treats his machine says something about the man.
It says pride - pride in workmanship, and that's what it's all about.
- You tell 'em, junior.
- I like that kind of enthusiasm.
- You know what I'm talking about? - I sure do.
Me and my partner here, we've been building cars for 42 years.
- No kidding? - No, it's true.
We were on the assembly line at the Dearborn plant on Miller Road.
Why don't we talk to these two American workers? Let's get them down here.
Come on, you guys.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
- Hey, hey, are we really on TV? - Well, these aren't hair dryers, pal.
Yeah, you're on TV.
Do we get Tool Time hats? I don't have any, but AI, let's get two hats for them.
All right, gentlemen, what are your names? - I'm Hick Peterson.
- Hello, Hick.
How you doing? - Eddie Phillips.
- How you guys doing? - Welcome to Tool Time.
This is AI.
- Oh, we know AI! Oh, we love AI.
Oh, we all love AI.
Hey, AI, come on, give us one of them big salutes.
AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! Hey, hey, hey! (He)', hey, hey, hey, hey! I don't want to disturb this love fest you have going here, but let me remind you of something.
AI is my assistant.
He assists me! What do you say we sit down and chat a little bit? Oh, yeah.
All week long we've been doing our salute to workmanship, and who would know more about workmanship than you two guys? What did you do? Well, Hick here was headlight alignment, and I was rear bumpers.
- From, uh, the beginning to the end.
- Yup.
Cool.
You know, you must've pushed out some good Detroit iron.
Ah.
Let me ask you a question.
In all those years, what was your favorite car? - Oh, '55 Thunderbird.
- No doubt about it, the bird.
Yeah! Ford's answer to the Corvette.
It was a two-seater.
It had a - V-8 engine, 3-speed overdrive.
- Front suspension, upper and lower, - A-arms and coil springs.
- That power to weight ratio, you could do zero to 60 in under ten seconds.
A good grunt always cleans me out.
It must have been a great day watching that first T-Bird roll off that line.
Ah, great day, but they were all good days back then.
You know, we used to knock out about 100 cars a day, and after work, Hick and me, we'd go down and have a stinky.
- Stinky? - Yeah.
It's a sandwich.
Its my own invention.
Limburger cheese, sauerkraut, big slice of Bermuda onion, and some hot mustard.
Whoo-hoo! Why don't you just lick a skunk? And Tim, they still make a great stinky at down at Big Mike's Tavern at Fourth and Jefferson.
- Hey, that ought to take care of our tab.
- Yeah, right.
Hi, Mike.
Big Mike's Tavern.
Boy, that sounds like a man's bar there, huh? Oh, you know it, junior.
Pool tables, dark wood, American beer.
We go there all the time.
Fourth and Jefferson! All right.
That's all the time we have for Tool Time this week.
AI, what do you say we give these two American workers a Tool Time salute? Hi.
Thank you.
And remember, men build machines, they don't build themselves.
So next time you see a '55 T-Bird, remember - this is the face of the man who installed that bumper and this is the face of the man that aligned the headlights.
Remember, if you didn't put it together with your own hands, it's not really yours.
See you next time on Tool Time.
Hey, pea-brain, what are you doing? I'm getting a piece of bread to feed the birds.
You doofus.
Birds don't eat bread.
They eat worms.
Yeah, you have to do what the mommy bird does.
- What's that? - Chew up the worms and spit it into the baby bird's mouth.
Ew.
I'm not eating any worms.
Well, if you want the baby birds to starve - Maybe I could just eat one worm.
- Now you're talking.
- Hey, guys, where you going? - Outside to feed the birds.
I'm gonna chew up the worm, just like the mommy bird.
No, you're not.
Brad, Randy, I believe you two have homework to do.
Mark, just spread the bread around for the birds, OK? OK.
? - Hi.
- Hi.
How was your show? Terrific.
I heard about a new restaurant, Big Mike's Tavern.
I thought we could go there this weekend.
What night would be good? Forget it.
We are going to the opera fundraiser.
- Oh, man! - Now, come here.
I'm really excited.
I found the perfect thing to wear.
It's a little daring, but I think it's fun.
- A tuxedo? - Yeah, what do ya think? What's so funny? I've just never been out with a maître d' before.
Why bother to show you this? You don't care about this fundraiser.
It's not that I don't care.
It's just, I'm tired of you making these big plans - without telling me.
- Hold on.
This whole thing - was your idea in the first place.
- What? Yes.
Mrs.
Larson asked us at church two months ago, and you said, "Oh, yeah.
We'd love to come.
" - I didn't mean that.
I was being polite.
- She thought you meant it.
You should say what you mean.
- Like you do.
- Yes, like I do.
Wasn't it you that said Mrs.
Larson looked just hideous in that purple muumuu or whatever she had on? Well, she did look hideous.
She looked like a giant eggplant.
So? Ah-ha, but when she comes back over the second time you said, "Ah, Mrs.
Larson, you look lovely.
" Why don't you say what you mean? "You look hideous, you big fat muumuu.
" She didn't ask me if she looked hideous.
She asked you if we were going to the fundraiser.
- You said yes, so she sent the tickets.
- Why didn't you tell me? I did tell you, Tim.
I told you three times.
I am not stupid.
If you told me three times, I would have remembered saying "no" three times.
So, you're not gonna go? No, and this will be the fourth time.
Well, then fine.
I'll just put a dress under my tux and take myself.
Here you go.
One brewsky, one buttermilk.
Ah, a toast to Mike.
Here's to your health and to your happiness, sir.
- How about paying your tab? - And to your fine generosity.
- That'll be $3.
00.
- We take back our toast.
Hey, everybody, look who's here! Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
- Hello, Tim.
- Hey! - Hi, guys.
- All right.
- Hi, everybody.
- That's Mike over there behind the bar.
- Hi, Mike.
How you doing? - Good to meet ya, Tim.
Good to my word, I brought you guys some hats.
- Ah, man.
Thanks a million.
- Great.
Great.
We promised you a stinky.
Mike, fix him a nice, big one.
- Coming right up.
- Mike, don't bother.
It's not gonna bother me.
I'm not the one eating it.
Hey, we're glad you dropped by.
There's a bunch of guys that we used to work with that are gonna be here tonight.
Would they love to meet you.
Would love to, but not tonight.
I believe my wife is dragging me to the Michigan Opera Theater fundraiser.
- Don't do it.
- What? Just put your foot down and say, "Woman, I'm not going.
" Now, you see, that's the attitude that kept you a bachelor all your life.
Of course, your face didn't help much, either.
Well, the ladies down at the senior center don't seem to mind.
You should see me at those Saturday night dances, boy.
- Sit down.
- All right, Eddie.
Just for a minute.
So what if it's the opera? Look on the good side of it.
You're gonna get to see your wife all dolled up in a beautiful gown.
She wants to wear a tux.
Yeah, I hate to see a woman wearing pants.
You know, down at senior center, I won't even dance with a woman unless she's wearing nylons with a nice seam right up the back of her legs.
Those aren't seams.
Those are veins.
My point is, Tim, in the old days, women wore dresses, and they hung onto your arm on a Saturday night, and they liked it when you called them "dame.
" I don't think Jill would like it, if I called her "dame.
" Well, dame, doll, gal, babe - whatever she likes.
That's good advice, but I gotta get moving.
- Hey, you haven't had your stinky yet.
- You have it.
- We haven't solved your problem.
- I came in with hats, not a problem.
Your wife's making you go someplace you don't want to go, she's starting to wear men's clothes, and you don't have a problem? The problem is, up until yesterday, I don't think she told me, "We're going to a fundraiser.
" - That's women for ya.
- The crazy thing is, she tells me she said it three times, and I know she didn't.
Women like to control men, and they do it by confusing them.
See, by changing the rules around and wantin' to wear men's clothes.
Tim, you've got to fight confusion with confusion.
You go home and you put on one of her dresses.
Oh! You want this man to wear a dress? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ah, don't listen to that old windbag.
Listen, I was married for 45 years, and the one thing I learned was that men and women are different.
It took him 45 years to figure that out.
Oh! All I'm saying is that women are subtle.
Your wife probably told you about this evening in her own way.
No, absolutely not.
If she told me, I would have remembered that.
Think, think.
She never said anything about a fundraiser? No.
She said, "I'm gonna dry clean your tuxedo," and something about Saturday hors d'oeuvres.
But I mean written something down on a paper or calendar? Oh, our calendar is circled on Saturday, but all she wrote was "fur raisins.
" - Fur raisins - Yeah, fur raisins.
Fur - Could that be "fundraiser"? - Oh, no! - Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
I thought you were gonna paint that birdhouse stand when Dad got home.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
How many coats of paint did you put on this? - 12.
- Yeah.
He's gonna be real surprised.
Look, um, why don't you go get cleaned up and I'll clean your brush out for you, all right? OK.
? Uh don't-don't touch anything on your way up, OK? - Hey, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, lady neighbor.
What are you doing over there? Oh, just letting off a little bit of steam, Jill.
Hm-mm.
Nothing relaxes me more than a good game of croquet.
- Can I ask you something? - Step up to the wicket, Jill.
Do you think that Tim is a good listener? Yes.
I think Tim is a very good listener.
But does he understand everything you say? I think Tim is a very good listener.
Well, I don't think he listens to me at all.
I told him about this event that we're going to three times, - and he acts like I never said anything.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I don't know how I could have been clearer.
I told him I was getting his tux cleaned.
I told him about the hors d'oeuvres we were having Saturday night.
I even circled it on the calendar.
I did everything except sit him down and say, "We are going to a fundraiser Saturday night.
" Oh, my God, I never did that.
Oh, man! I can't believe it.
All of this arguing and he was right.
Oh, no, I feel terrible.
This is all my fault.
Well, I should apologize to him.
Thank you, Wilson.
You've really been a big help.
Hmm.
Somehow it's always easier with Jill.
Oh, honey, I am so glad you're home.
I've got to tell you something.
- I've got something important to tell you.
- Let me go first.
- No, please, let me.
Come on.
- Well, all right.
I realized today that you probably did tell me about this fundraiser.
In your subtle way, you said it two or three times.
When I'm not interested, I don't pay attention.
It's my fault.
I'm sorry and I apologize.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
- We'll have a good time.
Now, what we're you gonna tell me? Nothing.
Nothing.
- See ya, guys.
- Take it easy.
It was nice to see Ziggy again, huh? - Boy, has he gone to the dogs.
- Yeah.
I hate it when a guy doesn't keep himself up.
Hey, look who's here.
Ha-ha! I thought you had an event to go to.
Well, my wife and I communicated and compromised, decided to spend half the night at the fundraiser, and the other half with you.
- All right! - And we're starving.
Fix you up a couple of stinkys? No, still lovin' that one I had today.
How about just your shrimp plate and a big salad for us? - You got it.
- Oh, I'm sorry guys.
Hick, Eddie, this is my wife, Jill.
Its a great pleasure to meet you, my dear.
Well, thank you very much.
My, my; My! My! my' I love a woman in a tuxedo.
I thought you said you didn't like women in pants.
- Did I say that, junior? - Yes.
Well, it's OK if it's a glamour package like Jill here.
Well, thank you.
You are one classy dame.
- And you are trouble.
- And you know it.
How about tripping the light fandango with me over there - if your husband doesn't mind? - You don't mind, do you, junior? - Junior? No, go ahead.
- OK.
Watch his hands.
I've got a step I do down at the senior center I think you're gonna like.
Now How would you like to be in my will? Whoo! You know, your wife certainly lights up a room.
Yes, she certainly does.
I'm glad to see that the two of you worked things out.
Well, I don't know how we worked things out.
I apologized.
I just don't think I'm ever gonna figure her out.
Don't.
You know, I was married to Tilly for 45 years, and this woman, God rest her soul, used to drive me absolutely crazy.
She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she used to love to line up on the window sill.
And every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard.
And every day for 45 years, she'd take them out of the cupboard and put them back.
- Where are they now? - On the window sill.
- You didn't throw them out? - What for? You know, you don't have to understand a woman.
All you got to do is love her.
Hey, you get up there.
Come on.
- Mind if I cut in? - Is it all right with you? Well, OK.
(He)', hey, hey, hey, hey! I finished the birdhouse.
Look.
Tim, they're just sitting on the tree.
Why don't they go in? He's probably thinking, "The house is too expensive.
I'd have to win the lottery.
" - "I cant pick up a ticket with claws.
" - I don't think so, Tim.
He sees the Jacuzzi, and fresh papers everywhere.
Nah, he's saying, "Forget the papers.
Let's find a statue of Tim.
" Oh, look, a cat.
Just kidding, fellas.
Stop picking at yourself.
- What's this itch over here? - Oh.
- You got one, too, huh? - Yeah.
Where did I put that shoehorn? Oh, he gave it to me.
The guy only Hold on a second.
Wait.
Wait.