Mike & Molly s01e20 Episode Script

- Hi.
My name's Mike.
I'm an overeater.
Hi, Mike.
I had a pretty good week.
Uh, I lost two more pounds.
And that was before I cut my hair, flossed my teeth and pulled a dust bunny from my belly button.
Ha, ha.
Let's just call it an even three.
The point is, the winter weight is slowly starting to melt away.
That doesn't mean I'm out of the woods.
I'm looking at what could be the biggest food challenge of the year for any Chicago sports fan.
I'm talking about opening day at Wrigley Field.
Right? Cold beer, chili dogs, salted peanuts those cups of chocolate ice cream you eat with the tiny wooden spoon.
You're still sucking the flavor out of the wood grain while you're ordering the next one.
But this year, I'm sticking to my diet.
I'm pitching a no-eater.
When I stand up for the seventh-inning stretch there'll be no crumbs, peanut shells or candy wrappers falling from my vintage Ryne Sandberg Cubs jersey.
It's about discipline.
I'm gonna keep my eyes on the ball away from the vendors and pray to God we don't go into extra innings.
I'm gonna do it this year.
But more importantly, the Cubbies are gonna do it this year.
I'm planning on dieting through the playoffs all the way to the World Series.
Now, who's with me? Cubs, Cubs, Cubs.
Cubs, Cubs, Cubs.
I'm looking forward to this game.
I got a new pair of BluBlocker sunglasses.
I ain't losing any more foul balls to the sun.
You didn't lose that ball in the sun.
You lost that ball to a 6-year-old girl.
She bit me.
Ah, baseball season again.
We had something similar in my country.
- No kidding? - Yes.
One man stands in a field holding a large stick.
Another man throws a stone at him.
Then the man with the stick chases the man who threw the stone.
- Huh.
You call that baseball? - No, it's called: "Stay away from our goats, you rock-throwing bastards.
" Similar to your sport except instead of hot dogs and beer we had drought and starvation.
Go Cubbies.
Carl, what would you think about me asking Molly to go to the game with us? Sure.
Why don't I ask my grandma to go too? Let's just skip the game, and we can all make a quilt and do each other's hair.
A simple "I don't care for the idea" would suffice.
Opening day is our tradition.
And besides, we only got the two tickets.
I could trade those for three in the bleachers.
What? I stood in line all night for those field-level tickets.
I had to pee in my thermos.
Molly's my girlfriend.
I should include her in everything I do.
Shared experiences and memorable moments are what bring a couple closer together.
You're reading her magazines now, aren't you? I can't help it.
She leaves them in the crapper.
The sports section only gets me halfway home.
There's nothing wrong with you guys doing things apart from each other.
But isn't that one of the top 10 warning signs that your man is cheating? Dude, seriously, you gotta read a little less and push a little harder.
Oh, that's where my Cosmo went.
Yeah, I wanted to finish this article on finding the female G-spot.
Gotta be honest, looks like a two-man job.
Yeah, or a one-woman job.
I only have to work a half-day tomorrow.
I was thinking we could go grab lunch.
I can't.
I'm going to the Cubs game with Carl.
You guys are going to opening day? Aw, that's great.
I wasn't trying to exclude you from anything.
This is an annual ritual that I have with Carl.
- I get it, it's a guy thing.
- Exactly.
It's like growing a beard or peeing standing up.
Might not be fair, but I didn't make the rules.
Actually, I'm okay with being excluded from both of those things.
Ha, ha.
Besides, it's baseball.
You'd probably be bored to tears.
No, I love baseball.
I used to go to the games all the time with my dad.
We'd take the L to the ballpark.
I'd sit on his lap and keep the scorecard.
Some of my best memories of him are at those baseball games.
- Really? - Yeah.
It was our special time together.
Just me and my pop.
You know, I haven't gone to a single game since he died.
- You're kidding? - No.
So I completely understand how much this tradition means to you guys.
Good night, sweetie.
Sleep tight.
Now, Michael, be sure and make a big fuss over Carlton's new baseball mitt.
He's been breaking that thing in all month.
I promise to "ooh" and "ahh.
" I'm just happy to see the boy oiling something other than himself.
What are you doing here so early? Batting practice doesn't start for 45 minutes.
I'm excited.
Cheering on my favorite team with my best buddy.
We gotta make one stop on the way.
- What stop? - No big deal.
Is that a new mitt? Ooh, ahh.
You invited Molly, didn't you? Oh, man.
I knew you'd fold.
I had to.
She used to go to the games with her dead dad.
They'd take the train, sit in each others' la I don't know, you gotta hear her tell it.
Because of that, I gotta sit in the bleachers? I didn't kill the man.
Why do I have to be punished? I'll sit in the bleachers, you sit down front.
Oh, you get to enjoy the game while I entertain your girlfriend.
- You sit in the bleachers.
- Which is exactly what you wanted.
Boy, quit going on and on.
You're talking about a baseball game.
Acting like Michael stood you up for the junior prom.
Well, he asked me to go first.
Is it any wonder that everybody at my church has you in their special prayers? Listen, we'll take turns in the bleachers.
I promise I won't let her ruin our day.
Fine, she can come.
But I am not the third wheel, she is the third wheel.
I get it.
We're the motorcycle, and she's the sidecar.
No, we're the Winnebago and she's the Ski-Doo we're dragging behind us.
Hey, this Winnebago lost three pounds last week.
- I already told you how good you look.
- It's just nice to hear once in a while.
Good Lord, the two of them might as well move to Las Vegas get a couple of white tigers and start a magic show.
- Lookie what I found.
- Oh, my God, Dad's old Cubbie cap.
Aw.
- It smells just like him.
- Vitalis and Old Spice.
Dad sure loved the Old Spice, didn't he, Mom? That's all you girls ever gave him for Christmas his birthday and Father's Day.
He used to have to slap it on pretty heavy just to keep it from piling up.
Yeah, I have a weird memory of him using that stuff to start the grill.
Starting the grill, getting paint off his hands, killing ants.
Oh, my God.
If you were a little bustier, you'd look just like Dad.
Boy, he loved taking you to the games.
You were his little tomboy.
As soon as we'd get to the ballpark he'd always order his one beer and give me a little sip of the suds.
Well, he'd usually slam down four or five before you even left the house.
That's the reason you had to take the train.
It's gonna be weird.
You know, I've never been to a game without him.
Don't worry, he'll be there with you in spirit.
I know he's sitting up there right now looking down on all of us.
Like when he used to take the lawn chair up on the roof with a cooler of beer? Yeah.
Except without the neighbors complaining because he's throwing rocks at cars or peeing in the drainpipe.
I'm happy to sit in back if you wanna be up front.
No, I'm fine.
Ha, ha.
Didn't camp out overnight for those two seats.
- Hmm? What? - Nothing, he's just being funny.
I really appreciate you guys inviting me along.
Don't think you have to give me any special treatment.
Consider me one of the fellas.
Shouldn't be a problem.
I'm able to consider Carl one of the fellas.
Ha, ha.
See, that's what we do for fun.
We bust each others' stones, give each other little zings.
Ha-cha! Well, hey, you can do that with me too.
Feel free to give me little zings and bust my stones.
Yeah.
- Girls don't have stones.
- Not her fault, Carl.
Okay, look, I realize I'm a guest here so I should be the one to take the seat in the bleachers.
I agree.
No, I think we should work out some sort of seating schedule.
I disagree.
We'll rotate every couple innings.
That way nobody feels left out.
- Sounds too complicated.
- Oh, it's actually pretty easy.
Just in case, I worked out a little round-robin rotation where we alternate every three innings.
And if we go extra innings, we can just pull a name out of a hat.
Does anybody have a hat? This is gonna be fun, huh? - The land of the free And the home of the brave? All right, all right, all right.
Play ball! You sure you don't mind me eating this in front of you? Don't worry about me.
I got a tub of carrot sticks: America's favorite ballpark snack.
I'm only having it for my dad.
I get it.
It's a ritual you shared with your father.
Exactly.
It's a little tribute to my pop.
- Well, you enjoy it.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Is it good? No.
Not at all.
Very disappointing, in fact.
I mean, I'm gonna finish it because I don't like to be wasteful but this is not a good dog.
Not at all.
Thanks for sparing my feelings.
Just enjoy your hot dog.
Aw, thank you.
Man, look at the two of them down there in my seats.
I almost caught pneumonia getting those tickets and here I am stuck in the bleachers.
As a true Cub fan, I believe the bleachers provide the best vantage point to fully appreciate and experience the game.
Uh-huh.
Plus, you can reach up and grab a bird or touch an airplane.
You're exaggerating for effect but I did see a pigeon fly into a guy's eye one time.
It was against St.
Louis, 1995.
I was sitting exactly where I'm sitting right now.
I'm also wearing the same pants.
Yeah! - Come on! If the bleacher seats are so good why are you staring at that little TV instead of looking at the field? I enjoy the color commentary and the humorous anecdotes about the players.
Are you gonna be this confrontational throughout the entire game? Sorry.
A little on edge.
I've been coming to opening day for five years with my best friend.
This year, he decided to bring his girlfriend.
Ouch.
But way cool to have a buddy with a girlfriend, right? Up high.
Down low.
Too slow.
Ha, ha.
When my dad and I would go to the games, it was my job to keep score.
I always thought he did it to help me learn math but I think now it was because he was too hammered to hold a pen.
Wave, wave, wave.
Come on, people, represent.
Wow, I had no idea you were such a baseball fan.
If you didn't fall asleep after we had sex you might learn a thing or two about me.
Ha-cha! I'm busting your stones.
You should've worn a cup.
Maybe I could borrow yours.
Ha-cha! Hey.
Thanks for bringing me today, Mike.
I forgot how much I loved coming to these games.
I'm glad you're here.
Minute I cleared the turnstile, I was just flooded with so many memories.
Some of the best times my dad and I ever had were right here in this ballpark.
All right, sweetie, it's okay.
Yeah.
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
This is good.
My dad was the best, you know.
If I'd have known I had such little time with him Come on, Mol, hold it together.
She's a little upset.
She thought it was bobblehead day.
Looks like Molly's honoring her dad with a frosty malt.
Mm.
Nothing like a ballpark hot dog, huh? Mm.
It's like heaven wrapped in a pig intestine.
Normally I would share, but your loud-mouthed friend ate half my nachos.
And contrary to popular opinion, I'm not the food fairy.
No, I'm set.
I got my carrot sticks, fresh off the grill of Mother Earth.
If you already have a girlfriend, why are you still on a diet? Getting a girlfriend doesn't eliminate your problems.
You still gotta watch what you eat.
The key is discipline.
I am all about discipline.
That's why I got into karate.
It provides me both mental and physical balance.
Uh-huh.
Plus, an excuse to walk around in drawstring pajamas.
Believe me, a black belt isn't that impressive when it's 52 inches long.
Ah.
Well played, sensei.
Pass it down.
You gonna pass it or what? Is it against the law for a man to smell a hot dog? I just always thought my dad would be there, you know? Watch me graduate from high school, or give me away at my wedding.
But you're lucky.
At least you got some good memories of your dad.
My old man had to work two jobs to make ends meet and I never saw him.
Ever? If I didn't see his shoes, he was at work.
If I did see his shoes, I had to be quiet because he was asleep.
That's terrible.
Do you know I never got to see one baseball game with him? Share some peanuts, catch a foul ball.
It's probably why I make such a big deal out of opening day.
I get it.
You're You and Mike are doing something you never got to do with your dad.
And I intruded on that, didn't I? Yeah, a little bit.
I'm so sorry, Carl.
It's all right.
We didn't know any better.
Oh, my God, what an amazing day.
It's just It's been cathartic, you know? You should come on floppy-hat or foam-finger day.
The vibe is palpable.
May I interest the lovely lady in a nice draft beer? Oh.
No, thank you, I'm fine.
And taken, by the way.
Oh, thank goodness.
Getting a little tired of holding my stomach in.
My boyfriend was the one sitting up here earlier.
The portly gent with the carrot sticks or the African-American who scarfed my nachos? The cute one with the carrots.
He did mention something about having a girlfriend.
But these bleachers are full of guys claiming to have girlfriends and their own cars.
Well, he actually has both.
I certainly can't compete with that.
Is it true he lost three pounds last week? Yeah, it is.
Man, it comes so easy to the winners.
Carl, I'm sure your dad loved you, but he had to provide for your family.
But I missed so many moments with him because he wasn't there.
Hey, my dad was there and we never talked to each other.
We must've gone to 50 games together and didn't say two words to one another.
- That's horrible.
- Yeah.
Every time I did try to talk to him, he'd buy me a hot dog just to shut me up.
- Once, I asked him if he loved my mom.
- Mm-hm.
He bought me two chili dogs, a piece of pizza and a bucket of chicken on the ride home.
That's why you eat like you do.
You're stuffing your emotions down because your daddy wouldn't talk to you.
You're right.
But not anymore.
The cycle ends here.
I'm proud of you, man.
You know what? I'm calling my dad in Scottsdale right now and I'm telling him that I forgive him.
Look at me, Carl.
It's the ninth inning and I have not had one hot dog.
You want everything on it? - Walk away, walk away, walk away! Dad, it's Carlton.
Hey! Foul ball.
Hey.
Ha, ha.
That did not just happen.
Hey, Dad, guess what.
I just caught a foul ball.
Yeah.
Bad news is the Cubs lost.
Good news is Mike Biggs won.
I got through opening day without gaining a pound.
Now, if I can just get past Easter, Memorial Day and Fourth of July I should be fine until the Halloween candy hits the shelves.
But one day at a time.
Thank you.
- Nice speech.
Humorous, yet heartfelt.
- Glad you made it.
You've inspired me to take control of my life.
Well, if I can do it, you can do it too.
I'm cautiously optimistic.
I actually had a really good week.
So is this it for the chicks or do more show up when the cookies are laid out?