Queer as Folk s01e20 Episode Script
The King of Babylon
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Clicking of shutter .]
FREDDY, YOU ARE SO DAMN HOT.
MAKE LOVE TO THAT LENS, MAKE LOVE TO IT, GO ON.
FUCK IT, THAT'S IT.
BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL.
I LOVE IT! [ ?????? .]
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ?????? .]
[ Chuckling .]
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S BEEN A WHOLE YEAR ALREADY? SINCE WHAT? MMM.
KING OF BABYLON CONTEST.
IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE SUCH A BIG DEAL AT THE TIME AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER, YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO WON.
ANGEL ESCOBAR.
AND A BIRTHMARK IN THE SHAPE OF PLACIDO DOMINGO IN HIS INNER RIGHT THIGH.
WOW, YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION.
SHOULD I BE JEALOUS? NO.
[ ?????? .]
THINK I'LL SKIP DESSERT.
AH, WHO CARES ABOUT A BUNCH OF STEROID GYM BUNNIES DANCING AROUND IN THEIR JOCKS ANYWAY? WELL, CONSIDERING YOU FUCKED ALL OF LAST YEAR'S CONTESTANTS: YOU.
[ Laughter .]
GOD, WHO WOULD DO THAT? WHO WOULDN'T FUCK BRIAN? Justin: NO.
I MEAN STRIP IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
FOR 1,000 BUCKS AND A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS? A LOT OF GUYS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE ON DRUGS, PLEASE, YOU'LL DO ANYTHING.
OOPS, SORRY.
BLAKE ACKNOWLEDGES HIS ADDICTION, AND HE'S WORKING ON IT.
I'VE BEEN GOING TO MEETINGS AT THE GAY AND LESBIAN CENTRE.
MY, MY, AREN'T WE A BUSY LITTLE BEE? SO, UM, WE'LL ALL MEET IN FRONT OF BABYLON? I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK DAVID'S GOING TO WANT TO GO 'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF LATE.
DOES HE ALREADY HAVE HIS TEETH IN A GLASS BY THEN? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW HE GETS UP AT 6:00 O'CLOCK EVERY MORNING AND RUNS FIVE MILES, WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN BED.
I FEEL THAT'S WHERE I GET MY BEST CARDIO WORKOUT.
I'M SURE HE WOULD GO IF I WANTED HIM TO.
UH-HUH.
IT'S TRUE.
ALL RIGHT.
THEN MAKE SURE HE'S THERE.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL.
OKAY.
OKAY.
GREAT.
FINE.
SO, YOU COMING? WELL, BABYLON ISN'T EXACTLY A DRUG-FREE ENVIRONMENT.
YOU KNOW, BLAKE'S A BIG BOY.
WHY DON'T YOU LET HIM DECIDE? I'M FINE.
REALLY.
WE'RE IN.
HOORAY! ONLY IT'S STARTING TO FEEL PERILOUSLY LIKE A COUPLES NIGHT, SEEING AS I'M THE ONLY SINGLE BOY LEFT.
'SCUSE ME, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? ARE WE GOING TO BABYLON? [ Chortling .]
WHAT? Michael: [ Mouth full .]
THOSE JEANS ARE ALL TORN AND TOO TIGHT.
WHAT? [ Mumbling .]
I SAID THOSE JEANS ARE ALL WORN AND TOO TIGHT.
[ Chuckling .]
HOW COME I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THEM BEFORE? I ONLY WEAR THEM WHEN I DON'T HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES.
WELL, YOU MUST STOP DOING LAUNDRY IMMEDIATELY.
[ Chuckling .]
HEY DO YOU FEEL LIKE GOING OUT? TONIGHT'S THE KING OF BABYLON CONTEST.
OH, MICHAEL, I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT SHIT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YES, I AM.
HUH.
LOOK, IF THE GUYS SAW HOW INCREDIBLY SEXY YOU LOOK IN THOSE JEANS, THEY'D PROB- ABLY STOP UM WHAT? NOTHING.
NEVER MIND.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.
NO, NO, NO.
FINISH WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY.
I BET THEY'D STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT ADULT DIAPERS, AND DENTURE CREAM AND PENILE IMPLANTS.
PENILE IMPLANTS? WELL, HEY, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF, YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.
[ Brushing of teeth .]
[ Running of water .]
[ Dropping of clothes .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Sighing .]
I KNEW THEY WOULDN'T COME.
MICHAEL PROBABLY HAD TO GIVE THE OLD MAN A PROSTATE MASSAGE.
HA! THERE ARE WORSE WAYS TO SPEND A SATURDAY NIGHT.
Michael: HEY, BOYS.
[ Chuckle .]
SORRY WE'RE LATE, UH, HAD TO WAIT FOR DAVID TO FINISH HIS 1,000 SIT-UPS.
HUH.
WOW DAVID, YOU YOU LOOK GREAT.
[ Chuckle .]
I MEAN, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
All: [ Shouts of approval .]
Brian: OKAY, ENOUGH OF THIS.
LET'S GO INSIDE, WHERE THEY HAVE SOME MORE JEANS.
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GO BEFORE US? [ ?????? .]
HEY, LET'S HAVE A DRINK.
ON ME.
Brian: NO, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO CHECK OUT THE DANCE FLOOR.
YEAH, ME TOO.
SAME HERE.
THANKS ANYWAY.
GUESS I WON'T BE WINNING ANY POPULARITY CONTEST TONIGHT.
IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S THEIRS.
COME ON.
HE-EY, DUDE.
HOW'S IT GOING? HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND.
I'VE BEEN AWAY.
WELCOME BACK.
NEED A FAVOUR? NO THANKS.
WHO'S THAT? NOBODY.
MY DEALER.
EX-DEALER.
I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
LOOK, YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME, OKAY? I DO.
[ Sighing .]
LET'S DANCE.
[ ?????? .]
Announcer: GENTLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME OUR HOSTESS FOR THE EVENING, HER ROYAL RUDENESS, SHEBA, QUEEN OF BABYLON.
[ Cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Grunt of stumbling .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
GOTTA MAKE SURE THE ROYAL TITS ARE INTACT.
UH-HUH.
[ Laughter .]
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
GO AWAY.
GO PLAY WITH YOURSELVES.
CH-CIAO.
[ Laughter .]
[ Sighing .]
WELCOME TO THE 73rd ANNUAL ACADEMY A OOPS, WRONG SHOW.
WELCOME TO THE KING OF BABYLON CONTEST [ Cheering/applause .]
WHERE THE COMPE- TITION IS STIFF, AND SO ARE THE CONTESTANTS.
BUT DON'T FRET, BOYS, YOU CAN STILL SIGN UP TO DROP TROU AND WIN A THOU.
ALL RIGHT, OUR FIRST CONTESTANT IS "FOUR ALARM FRED".
HE'LL, UH, LIGHT YOUR FIREANDPUT IT OUT.
[ Cheering/clapping .]
[ ?????? .]
SHAVED CHEST, PEC IMPLANTS.
STEROIDS HAIR CLUB FOR MEN.
YEAH, IT'S SAD, ISN'T IT? ALL THESE OLDER GUYS, STILL PARTYING WAY PAST THEIR PRIME.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.
OH.
SO HOW ABOUT THE REAL THING? CHECK BACK WITH ME IN AN HOUR.
WHAT? SO NOW I'M A BACKUP PLAN WHO YOU DO WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? WE'RE NOT A COUPLE.
MICHAEL AND DAVID ARE A COUPLE.
LINDSAY AND MELANIE ARE A COUPLE.
TED AND WHAT'S-HIS- NAME ARE A COUPLE.
YEAH.
SO WHAT ARE WE, BRIAN? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M SINGLE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Clapping/cheering .]
[ Cheering .]
[ Shrill whistling .]
[ Unzipping of fly .]
[ Sigh of relief .]
Woman: [ On P.
A.
system .]
INFORMATION DESK AT THE NORTH END OF THE MALL.
YOUR SON JOHN HAS BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
HEY.
HELLO.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU INTO? A LITTLE SHOPPING.
DINNER, A MOVIE.
THE NEW JULIA ROBERTS.
I JUST LOVE HER.
YOU, UH WANT TO DO SOMETHING? I'M SORRY BUT PUBLIC RESTROOMS AREN'T MY SCENE.
[ Zipping of fly .]
THEN HOW ABOUT WE GO SOME- PLACE ELSE? [ ?????? .]
[ Thinking .]
GOD, THE MUSIC'S SO LOUD IN HERE, YOU CAN BARELY HEAR YOURSELF THINK.
[ Stopping of ?????? .]
OH THAT'S BETTER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I INSISTED ON COMING HERE.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.
THE GUYS WHO ARE INTER- ESTED IN ME, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THEM.
AND THE ONES I'M INTERESTED IN, WELL, AREN'T INTERESTED IN ME.
AH-H [ Romantic ?????? .]
snapping of fingers .]
[ Snapping of fingers .]
Sheba: GENTLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN, CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO, OFFICER O'REILLY.
HE'S VERY ARRESTING, DON'T YOU THINK? OFFICER, I JUST GOT A PARKING TICKET.
STRIP-SEARCH ME! [ ?????? .]
THE PROBLEM WITH THIS CONTEST IS THAT IT EXPOSES THE SINGLE, MOST TRAGIC FLAW OF GAY CULTURE.
[ Chuckle .]
IT EXPOSES A LOT MORE THAN THAT, DOC.
AND THAT IS OUR ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL OBSESSION WITH YOUTH, BEAUTY AND SMOOTH, MUSCULAR BODIES.
I KNOW, WHAT A SHAME.
AND UNTIL WE BREAK FREE OF OUR STUNTED ADOLESCENCE AND OUR SUPER- FICIAL VALUES, WE'LL ALWAYS BE BOYS, NEVER MEN.
GOD, IS THAT ALL? I HAPPEN TO FIND WHAT DAVID IS SAYING TO BE PROFOUNDLY INSIGHTFUL.
I FIND IT TO BE PROFOUNDLY FULL OF SHIT.
AN OPINION PUT FORTH AS TRUTH BY A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITICAL, JEALOUS, GUILT-RIDDEN, SELF-LOATHING MIDDLE-AGED, SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED, PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL FAGS WHO WISH THEY WERE STRAIGHT.
HA, HA, HA, HA.
[ ?????? .]
SO WHY DON'T YOU SIGN UP? 'CAUSE I DON'T NEED TO DANCE AROUND IN MY UNDERWEAR TO GET LAID.
OR MAYBE YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE COMPETITION.
David: [ Snicker .]
OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING TO SIGN UP.
NO, HE WON'T.
[ Chuckling .]
NO WAY.
HE IS.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS MOHAMMED.
HE'S A MASTER YOGA INSTRUCTOR FROM RIPT GYM.
HE CAN PERFORM "AUTO FELLATIO".
WHAT THE FUCK'S THAT? IF THAT'S GIVING A BLOW JOB IN YOUR CAR, THEN I'M A MASTER TOO.
[ Chuckling .]
[ ?????? .]
SHIT, I'M STARTING TO WILT AND I'VE STILL GOT THE "BEST PECS CONTEST" AT BOYTOY TOMORROW.
MMM, WHAT'S WITH THE LONG FACE, SWEETHEART? NOTHING.
THIS GUY.
HMM.
AIN'T IT ALWAYS? SO, WHAT DID THIS GUY DO? HE TAKES ME FOR GRANTED.
A WALKING WET DREAM LIKE YOU COULD HAVE ANYONE HE WANTS.
I KNOW.
THAT'S THE PART I FIND SO IRRITATING.
MAYBE HE NEEDS TO KNOW IT.
MAYBE EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW IT.
HEY, DEB.
TELEPHONE.
IF IT'S PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE, TELL THEM I WON THE SWEEPSTAKES LAST YEAR.
IT'S YOUR BROTHER.
OH! HEY, VIC.
WHAT'S UP, HONEY? Vic: [ On Phone .]
Don't panic.
I've been arrested.
WHAT? I SAID DON'T PANIC.
AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY.
NOBODY.
NOT EVEN MICHAEL.
WHAT HAPPENED? I was at the mall, I went to pee.
WELL WHAT ARE THEY CHARGING YOU WITH? NOT FLUSHING? INDECENT EXPOSURE.
INDECENT WHAT THE HELL'D YOU DO, WAG IT AT SOMEBODY? I didn't do anything, Sis, I swear.
CAN YOU COME DOWN? I'M AT THE ZONE 8 STATION ON LIBERTY AND GRANT.
I'm leaving right now, all right? JUST STAY CALM.
And could you bring my meds? I SHOULD'VE TAKEN THEM AN HOUR AGO.
YEAH, DON'T WORRY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.
[ ?????? .]
[ Romantic ?????? .]
I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.
I-IT'S AS THOUGH WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER ALL OUR LIVES.
EXACTLY.
AS AS IF YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ME AND I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
TWO HALVES OF THE SAME SOUL THAT HAVE FINALLY MET.
IT'S WILD.
LOOK, I I KNOW THIS IS RIDICULOUSLY FORWARD OF ME I MEAN I MEAN, WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER.
BUT WOULD YOU MIND THAT IS, VERY MUCH I-IF I GO RIGHT AHEAD.
[ Gasps of pleasure .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Loud moans .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Cries of ecstasy .]
[ Panting .]
WAS THAT ALL RIGHT, MY LOVE? IT WAS LIKE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S AND MY BIRTHDAY, ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE.
NOT THE FOURTH OF JULY? WELL I'M SAVING THAT FOR YOU.
[ Groan .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Moaning .]
[ Louder moan .]
[ High-pitched moan .]
[ ?????? .]
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Ted: WHERE YOU GOING? BATHROOM.
DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO LET HIM GO ALONE? WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO HOLD IT FOR HIM? HAH! NO, I MEAN, AFTER WHAT HAP- PENED LAST TIME.
IT'S CALLED TRUST.
YEAH, YOU CAN TRUST HE'LL END UP IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
MAYBE HE WON'T.
MAYBE HE'LL DISAPPOINT ALL OF YOU AND ACTUALLY BE ALL RIGHT.
WHEN YOU WERE A BOY, DID YOU SAVE THE BIRDS WITH THE BROKEN WINGS? WHAT DID YOU DO, TEAR THEM OFF? Emmett: EVERYBODY I WANT YOU TO MEET A VERY SPECIAL SOMEONE.
I'M BRENT.
BRENT.
Michael: HI, BRENT.
HI.
HI BRENT.
HELLO, WELCOME.
ANYONE WHO'S SPECIAL TO EMMETT IS SPECIAL TO US.
WHO? EMMETT.
THAT'S ME, DARLING.
[ Snicker .]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO KNOWN EACH OTHER? WELL, I-IN THIS LIFE, ONLY A BRIEF WHILE.
BUT, UH BUT I-I BELIEVE THAT IN PAST LIVES, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER MANY TIMES BEFORE.
UH, DON'T YOU? OH, IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR HOW WE COULD HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WE BOTH LOVE BRAD PITT.
Brent: CLINIQUE FOR MEN.
Together: ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE HAVING A SALE.
UH, GREEN ONION-FLAVOURED POTATO CHIPS.
Brent: AND OUR FAVOUR- ITE SONG IS "SOMEWHERE OUT THERE".
NOWTHAT'S UNCANNY.
WELL, COME AND HAVE A DRINK WITH US.
[ ?????? .]
HEY, WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? EMMETT KNOWS SOME GUY FOR ALL OF 15 MINUTES AND HE'S PRACTICALLY A FRAT BROTHER.
BLAKE YOU CAN BARELY SPEAK TO.
WELL, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
"SO, YOU NEARLY KILLED MY FRIEND.
" "HEY, I HEAR YOU PASSED OUT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
YOU WANT TO BE BUDS?" YOU KNOW, I FIGURED IF ANYONE COULD'VE GIVEN HIM A CHANCE, IT WOULD'VE BEEN YOU, MICHAEL.
[ Ringing of door bell .]
Melanie: HOLD ON, JESUS! [ Knocking on door .]
I'M COMING.
[ Continued knocking .]
WHAT'S THE MATTER? I'VE BEEN CALLING, BUT THERE'S NO ANSWER.
OH, WE TURN THE PHONE OFF AT NIGHT.
IT WAKES GUS UP.
I'M I-I'M SORRY TO BE COMING BY SO LATE.
VIC'S IN JAIL.
Both: WHAT? HE SAID HE WAS AT THE MALL, HE WENT TO THE MEN'S ROOM, AND THE NEXT THING IS THEY ARRESTED HIM FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
INDECENT EXPOSURE? YEAH, HE SWEARS HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
BUT HE NEEDS A LAWYER, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GO GET DRESSED.
WELL, IF HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, WHY DID THEY ARREST HIM? OH, I-IT'S HARASSMENT OF GAY PEOPLE.
COPS JUST LIKE PLAYING "CAPTURE THE FAG".
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU THINK VIC DID SOMETHING? I WAS JUST ASKING YEAH WELL, I'M TELLING YOU, I KNOW MY OWN BROTHER.
AND IT'S CRAP.
LISTEN, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GO GET DRESSED, BUT WE BETTER GET A MOVE ON.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ ?????? .]
YOU SAID TO CHECK BACK WITH YOU IN AN HOUR.
I STILL HAVE EIGHT MINUTES LEFT.
[ ?????? .]
[ Snorting .]
HE HAS ZITS ON HIS ASS, A TRAGIC ENDOWMENT, AND IS JUST GETTING OVER A NASTY CASE OF GONORRHEA.
UH-HUH.
[ ?????? .]
WELL, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T WAIT TOO LONG.
BY THEN I MAY HAVE OTHER PLANS.
[ ?????? .]
SO, WHAT'S WITH YOU ANYWAY? NOTHING.
WHO'S YOUR, UH FRIEND? NOBODY.
YOU LOOK PRETTY TIGHT TO ME.
SO HOW COME YOU DIDN'T INTRODUCE US? HE WOULDN'T LIKE YOU.
MAYBE HE WOULD IF I, UH OFFERED HIM A FAVOUR.
YEAH WELL, HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF YOUR "FAVOURS".
GREAT STUFF.
GREAT PRICE.
AND I TOLD YOU, NEITHER AM I.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PROBABLY JUST WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: LOITERING OUTSIDE THE MEN'S ROOM.
DID YOU COME TO CHECK UP ON ME? 'COURSE NOT.
I JUST SEEM TO MEET THE CUTEST GUYS HERE.
'CAUSE I TOLD YOU, I'M FINE.
I KNOW.
COME ON, LET'S, UH GO FIND THE OTHERS.
LET'S NOT.
I'D RATHER JUST BE WITH YOU.
Sheba: GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES, AND THIS BLONDE PREFERS GENTLEMEN IN LEATHER.
A BIG HAND FOR DWAYNE.
All: [ Cheering/clapping .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite" ?????? .]
I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT ABOUT LIVING IN A LITTLE COTTAGE WITH A GARDEN OUT BACK? W-WHERE I CAN GROW LAVENDER AND DAFFODILS, AND WEAR A BIG SUN BONNET, LIKE MY AUNT BELLE, THAT TIES UNDER THE CHIN.
AND WE'LL COOK GOURMET MEALS SEASONED WITH OUR VERY OWN HERBS.
AND ON SNOWY EVENINGS, WE'LL CURL UP IN FRONT OF THE FIRE WITH BIG MUGS OF HOT TEA.
AND AND IN THE SUMMER, WE'LL TAKE LONG, LAZY WALKS DOWN A SUN-DAPPLED COUNTRY LANE.
IT'S HEAVEN.
BLISS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DON'T GO AWAY.
I'LL BE WAITING RIGHT HERE.
[ Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite" ?????? .]
[ Club ?????? .]
YOU HAD ENOUGH PULSATING, GRINDING FLESH FOR ONE EVENING? I'M READY TO GO WHENEVER YOU ARE.
Brian: NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET.
YOU'LL MISS MY BIG NUMBER.
OH, RIGHT, LIKE YOU'D REALLY GO THROUGH WITH IT.
WELL, IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
Sheba: DWAYNE! [ Cheering .]
IF DWAYNE BECOMES KING, HE'LL BE THE RULER BY WHOM ALL OTHERS ARE MEASURED.
I OUGHT TO KNOW, I MEASURED HIM MYSELF.
All: [ Laughing/cheering .]
RIGHT.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT LIKES YOUNGER MEN.
HIS FAVOURITE PASTIME IS FEELING SUPERIOR.
HIS SPECIAL SKILL IS MANIPULATING PEOPLE.
All: [ Booing .]
MUST BE YOU.
LET'S PUT OUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR PITTSBURGH'S HUNKIEST CHIROPRACTOR, DR.
DAVID CAMERON! [ Cheering .]
YOU ASSHOLE.
[ Breathlessly .]
DR.
CAMERON? PAGING DR.
CAMERON.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SIGNING UP YOURSELF.
NOW WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT, WHEN YOU KNOW I FIND THIS OBSESSION WITH YOUTH AND ABS AND SEX SO APPALLING? YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO UP THERE.
DON'T WORRY, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF IT.
THANK GOD.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF DANCING AROUND IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AT YOUR AGE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DOC, IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
WELL, YOU THINK I CAN'T DO IT? AT MY AGE? PAGING DR.
CAMERON! OH, PFFT MOTHER OF GOD! DR.
CAMERON? [ Cheering .]
Crowd: [ Chanting .]
DR.
CAMERON! DR.
CAMERON! Michael: DAVID Crowd: DR.
CAMERON! DR.
CAMERON! [ Chanting/cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
OW! [ ?????? .]
[ Wild cheering .]
HE ISN'T.
YES, HE IS.
[ ?????? .]
OW! [ ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
EXCUSE ME, SERGEANT? WE'RE HERE TO SEE VICTOR GRASSI.
Sergeant: GRASSI.
OH, UH, SORRY, LADIES.
YOU HAVE TO COME BACK LATER.
HE'S STILL BEING PROCESSED.
BUT I'M HIS SISTER.
AND I'M MR.
GRASSI'S ATTORNEY.
COULD YOU JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH HIS BAIL IS SET AT? WHAT? $5,000? ISN'T THAT HIGH FOR A FIRST OFFENSE? SAYS HERE HE'S GOT A PREVIOUS ARREST.
FOR WHAT? POSSESSION OF AN ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE.
[ Sighing .]
HE WAS PULLED OVER, IT WAS THERE WAS A JOINT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
IT WASN'T EVEN HIS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T HE SAY SOMETHING? BECAUSE EVEN WHEN WE WERE KIDS, HE NEVER SQUEALED ON ME.
[ Sighing .]
LOOK, OFFICER.
MY BROTHER'S VERY SICK.
HE'S GOT TO TAKE HIS MEDS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM? HE'S H.
I.
V POSITIVE.
OH, FIGURES.
EXCUSE ME? NO DRUGS ALLOWED IN THE HOLDING CELL UNTIL THE PRECINCT DOCTORS EXAMINE HIM.
BUT THESE ARE PRE- SCRIPTION MEDICATIONS.
HIS LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
WELL, IF HE'S SO SICK, WHAT WAS HE DOING HANGING OUT IN A PUBLIC MEN'S ROOM? TAKING A PISS.
Melanie: JESUS.
COME ON.
[ ?????? .]
AH! YOU'RE SO CUTE.
YOU HAVE GREAT ABS.
UH, WELL, THEY'RE THEY'RE ESSENTIAL FOR, UH, STRONG BACK SUPPORT AND GOOD POSTURE.
CALL ME.
YEAH, ME TOO.
ANYTIME.
I'LL MAKE IT SO WORTH YOUR WHILE.
Michael: DO YOU MIND? HE'S ALREADY TAKEN.
WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE PLEASED WITH YOURSELF.
WIPE THAT GRIN OFF YOUR FACE.
PUT YOUR SHIRT ON! MICHAEL I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT IT.
A-AH! COME HERE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Inaudible conversation .]
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, BOYS AND BOYS? THE NEXT CONTESTANT LOVES THE POWER- PUFF GIRLS, MARGARITAS AND OLDER MEN WHO TAKE HIM FOR GRANTED.
HERE'S JUSTIN! All: [ Cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
OH, MY GOD! YOU GO, BABY! [ ?????? .]
WHOOO! [ ?????? .]
?? HIGH SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL ?? WAIT.
?? HIGH SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL ?? [ ?????? .]
[ Cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
WHOOOOO! [ ?????? .]
WHERE WERE YOU? I WAS STARTING TO WORRY.
SORRY.
I GOT HUNG UP.
THAT'S OKAY.
GAVE ME MORE TIME TO MISS YOU.
AND BE EVEN HAPPIER NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK.
IS THAT COLOGNE? HUH? I GUESS SO.
I DON'T RECALL YOUR EVER WEARING COLOGNE.
I JUST STARTED.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? YOU YOU SEEM A LITTLE DISTANT.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
OKAY.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE? UM OH, YES, IN OUR CUTE LITTLE COTTAGE.
NO, WAIT.
I CAN'T LIE TO YOU.
WE'VE MEANT TOO MUCH TO EACH OTHER FOR THAT.
I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW.
NEW? WE'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES.
LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO HAPPEN, I SWEAR.
I NEVER, NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU.
[ Wild cheers .]
Man: DRAW, COWBOY! DRAW! EMMETT! WAIT.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? TO US? AFTER ALL THAT WE SHARED? PLEASE, DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE.
YOU SAID THAT YOU NEVER FELT SO CLOSE TO ANYONE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
THAT THAT WE WE WERE TWO HALVES OF THE SAME SOUL.
THINGS CHANGE.
PEOPLE CHANGE.
I HAVEN'T CHANGED.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
IN TIME, PASSION DIES.
YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON.
FINE.
GO! MOVE ON.
WHO'S STOPPING YOU? I'LL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS.
YEAH, HOW LONG IS THAT? TILL TOMORROW? I GAVE YOU THE BEST MINUTES OF MY LIFE, YOU [ Stamping of foot .]
[ Emotional ?????? .]
SO YOU GOT THE NIGHT SHIFT, HUH, SERGEANT? I DID THE SAME THING AT THE DINER.
MIDNIGHT TO 8:00.
IN ADDITION TO TO HELP PAY FOR MY BROTHER'S MEDICAL BILLS.
BUT YOU DO THAT YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY'S SICK.
IS THERE ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY WHO NEEDS ATTENTION? MY SISTER'S A DIABETIC.
[ Clearing of throat .]
SHE GOT IT WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 10.
YEAH, SO HOW'S SHE DOING? THEY CUT HER LEG OFF A FEW YEARS AGO.
NOW SHE'S LOSING HER SIGHT.
GOD BLESS HER.
SO, I IMAGINE YOU'D SWIM THE TO BE THERE FOR HER, HUH? ACTUALLY, WE DON'T SEE MUCH OF EACH OTHER.
WE NEVER GOT ALONG.
NOW DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE.
IT'S A FEW PILLS.
IT'S A FEW FUCKING PILLS.
IT'S OKAY.
HOW THE HELL ARE WE GONNA GET $5,000? All: [ Cheering .]
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A WINNER.
EVERYBODY, DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, WHERE I KNOW YOU ALL WANT TO BE, FOR THE NEW KING OF BABYLON HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS JUSTIN! [ Wild cheers .]
HUH! WHOO! ME? YOU.
[ Triumphant ?????? .]
OH-H-H.
WHOEVER THAT ASSHOLE IS WHO'S BEEN IGNORING YOU, HE WON'T BE TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED ANY MORE.
THANK YOU.
THANKS.
[ Cheering/clapping .]
[ ?????? .]
[ ?????? .]
DID YOU SEE ME? YEAH, I SAW YOU.
WELL? I THINK THAT CONTEST WAS RIGGED.
YOU KNOW HIM? Brian: YEAH.
I TAUGHT HIM EVERY- THING HE KNOWS.
EXCEPT HOW TO DANCE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? I'D ASK HIM, ONLY I'M SURE HE DOESN'T KNOW.
SHAWN.
YOU'RE HOT.
I WAS WATCHING YOU.
YOU WERE? YOU MADE ME WANT TO FUCK ALL NIGHT.
YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? YOU LEAD.
I THOUGHT WE HAD PLANS.
[ Snorting .]
IF YOU COULDN'T DO BETTER.
I TOLD YOU I MIGHT HAVE PLANS TOO.
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM? HE'S JUST MY STALKER.
I SUPPOSE WE COULD HAVE A THREE-WAY, ONLY, HE'S KINDA OLD.
[ Chuckle .]
WE'RE ALSO KINDA LEAVING.
[ ?????? .]
'SCUSE ME, BUT AREN'T YOU THE PERSON WHO SAID ABOUT AN HOUR AGO THAT THEY'D HAD ENOUGH OF THIS PULSATING, GRINDING FLESH AND WANTED TO GO HOME? WHAT'S THE RUSH? THERE'S NO RUSH.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T APPROVE.
YOU KNOW, ALL THE MISPLACED EMPHASIS ON SMOOTH, MUSCULAR BODIES, THE OBSESSION WITH YOUTH, AND THE SHALLOW VALUES.
WELL, MAYBE I WAS BEING A LITTLE JUDGMENTAL.
TRY HYPOCRITICAL.
WHO'S BEING JUDGMENTAL NOW? JUST BE HONEST.
DON'T PUT SOMEONE DOWN FOR DOING SOMETHING YOU'VE ALWAYS WISHED YOU COULD DO, BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS.
I'M GOING HOME.
MICHAEL.
THERE'S MICHAEL.
SO? WELL SO YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL NIGHT.
DON'T YOU WANT TO I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'D RATHER BE WITH YOU.
I KNOW, BUT IS THERE SOME SORT OF WHAT? PROBLEM? ON ACCOUNT OF ME? OF COURSE NOT.
'CAUSE IF THERE IS, I DON'T WANT TO COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.
YOU'RE NOT.
EVEN IF YOU WERE, IT WOULDN'T MATTER.
LOOK DON'T SAY THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.
IF I EVER THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IF A FRIEND OF MINE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOU, ALL IT MEANS IS HE WAS NEVER REALLY MY FRIEND TO BEGIN WITH.
[ ?????? .]
?? YOU LOOK SO FINE ?? ?? OUT TO BREAK YOUR HEART ?? ?? I'M GIVING MINE ?? ?? YOU'RE TAKING ME OVER ?? ?? IT'S SO INSANE ?? ?? YOU'VE GOT ME DOWN AND CHAINED ?? ?? I HEAR YOUR NAME ?? ?? I'M FALLING OVER ?? ?? KNOCKED DOWN, CRY OUT ?? [ Muttering .]
Debbie: MICHAEL! MA, MELANIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHERE'S BRIAN? I-I WAS HOPING MAYBE YOU COULD HELP.
WELL, I WOULD, DEBBIE, BUT I CAN'T REALLY OPEN A BANK ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
MAYBE CREDIT CARDS? NO, THE MAXIMUM WITHDRAWAL AT AN ATM IS $500.
I CAN COVER IT.
CAN THEY TAKE A CHEQUE? Melanie: ONLY IF IT'S CERTIFIED.
Debbie: SHIT! I MEAN, COULD THEY MAKE IT ANY MORE FUCKING DIFFICULT? Melanie: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL A BAIL BONDSMAN.
[ ?????? .]
Blake: IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER, MENTION THIS GUY'S NAME, HE'LL PUT UP THE BAIL FOR YOU.
Ted: WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? I ASKED DINO FOR A FAVOUR.
Debbie: THANK YOU.
OH THANK YOU, UM BLAKE.
Debbie: BLAKE.
AH, THANK YOU, I'M DEBBIE.
OH! OH, OH, THANK YOU! [ Stammering .]
THAT'S SOME FRIEND YOU'VE GOT.
I LIKE TO THINK SO.
Debbie: OH, THANK YOU! WHERE'D YOU FIND HIM? Ted: IT'S A LONG STORY, DEB.
THANKS.
NO PROBLEM.
LOOK I'M SORRY IF I'VE BEEN SHITTY.
IT'S BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT TED.
SO DO I.
Ted: DID I MISS SOMETHING? NO.
WHAT? NO.
NOTHING.
NOTHING.
OKAY, WE'RE ALL SET.
LET'S GO.
THANKS AGAIN! JESUS CHRIST, SIS, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
Michael: THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, UNCLE VIC.
WE KNOW YOU'RE INNOCENT.
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
CAN WE PLEASE GO HOME? YES, I'LL TAKE YOU HOME RIGHT NOW.
BUT FIRST I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR MEDS.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR MEDS TO YOU ALL NIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, THE DESK SERGEANT GAVE ME MY PILLS.
LET'S GO.
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN YOU SO JEALOUS.
I AM NOT JEALOUS.
OH, NOW WHO'S BEING DISHONEST? WELL HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR BOYFRIEND WAS BEING OGLED BY EVERY FAG IN TOWN? IT SO HAPPENS HE IS.
OH, I AM, YEAH.
CONSTANTLY.
ONLY YOU NEVER NOTICE.
YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM, FAULTY GAYDAR.
LUCKY FOR ME.
SO NOW THAT YOU'VE PROVEN TO EVERYONE HOW HOT YOU ARE EVEN AT YOUR AGE, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE OUT PARTYING EVERY NIGHT.
NOT EVERY NIGHT.
[ Chuckling .]
BUT IT WAS NICE TO GET THE ATTENTION, TO KNOW I'M STILL ATTRACTIVE.
I MUST ADMIT, HOT YOUNG MEN WITH SMOOTH, MUSCULAR BODIES HAVE A CERTAIN APPEAL.
BUT THERE ARE OTHER THINGS.
WORK.
MY SON AND YOU.
SO BEFORE YOU HANG THESE JEANS UP UNTIL NEXT LAUNDRY DAY, HOW ABOUT DOING A LITTLE DANCE FOR ME? [ ?????? .]
?? I'M SO HOT ?? ?? OOH, OOH-OOH-OOH ?? ?? MOVE A LITTLE BIT CLOSER ?? ?? JUST A LITTLE BIT ?? YEAH! ?? OOH, OOH-OOH-OOH ?? ?? I'M SO HOT ?? KRCQ WEATHER, IT'S HEATING UP.
YEAH.
?? JUST A LITTLE BIT CLOSER ?? THIS COFFEE'S FOR SHIT.
SO JUSTIN'S THE NEW KING OF BABYLON.
SO, THE, UH, CUB CAUGHT THE LION'S PREY, HM.
Ted: SO EVEN THOUGH YOU'D LIKE TO REST ON YOUR LAURELS, SECURE IN YOUR POSITION OF POWER, NOW YOU KNOW THEY'RE SNAPPING AT YOUR HEELS.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO RUN FASTER AND FASTER SO WHY DON'T YOU PASS THE FUCKING SUGAR? Emmett: YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF HIM.
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
[ Scoffing .]
HEY, ISN'T THAT BRENT? Blake: WHO'S BRENT? EMMETT'S OLD FLAME.
MUST BE HIS NEW LOVE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? BEEN A LONG TIME.
I'VE THOUGHT OF YOU OFTEN.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
YOU TOO.
YOU SEEING ANYONE? NOT REALLY.
YOU? WE JUST MET.
SO YOU'LL BE FREE TONIGHT.
PROBABLY.
WOULD YOU DON'T! WE CAN'T GO BACK.
I PREFER TO REMEMBER THE WAY WE WERE.
[ Emotional ?????? .]
Ted & Michael: HEY-Y-Y! All: [ Clapping .]
HAIL TO THE KING.
WHAT A NIGHT.
SO, HOW WAS HE? HE HAD THE GREATEST ASS.
I BROUGHT HIM BACK, I FUCKED HIM ALL NIGHT.
I THINK MY DICK'S GOING TO BE SORE FOR A WEEK.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO HEAR MORE.
SPEAK SLOWLY AND ENUNCIATE.
Justin: [ Chuckling .]
UH, HE GAVE GREAT HEAD.
HE WANTED ME TO FUCK HIM WITH MY CROWN ON.
IT'S KIND OF KINKY.
All: [ Snort/chuckle .]
AFTER A WHILE THOUGH, HE GOT REALLY CLINGY.
HE WANTED TO KNOW WHEN HE COULD SEE ME AGAIN SO WHAT'D YOU TELL HIM? I TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD SEE ME IN HIS DREAMS.
Emmett: SO.
WHO'S UP FOR THE ABSOLUTE ABS CONTEST? ?? BIG, THICK MUSCLES ?? [ ?????? .]
?? BIG, THICK MUSCLES ?? [ ?????? .]
CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS [ ?????? .]
GIRLFRIEND, LEMME TELL YA AGAIN.
I MET THIS MAN THE OTHER NIGHT.
TIGHT, GLEAMING MUSCLES RIPPLIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE.
HE WAS MAKIN' ME HOT.
HE MADE ME WET AND HE TURNED ME ON ALL NIGHT LONG DRIVIN' ME OUT OF MY MIND DRIVIN' ME OUT OF MY MOTHER-FUCKIN' MIND, GIRL.
YOU SHOULDA SEEN HIM.
AND YOU SHOULDA SEENIT! I'M TALKIN' A MOO!
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Clicking of shutter .]
FREDDY, YOU ARE SO DAMN HOT.
MAKE LOVE TO THAT LENS, MAKE LOVE TO IT, GO ON.
FUCK IT, THAT'S IT.
BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL.
I LOVE IT! [ ?????? .]
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ?????? .]
[ Chuckling .]
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S BEEN A WHOLE YEAR ALREADY? SINCE WHAT? MMM.
KING OF BABYLON CONTEST.
IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE SUCH A BIG DEAL AT THE TIME AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER, YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO WON.
ANGEL ESCOBAR.
AND A BIRTHMARK IN THE SHAPE OF PLACIDO DOMINGO IN HIS INNER RIGHT THIGH.
WOW, YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION.
SHOULD I BE JEALOUS? NO.
[ ?????? .]
THINK I'LL SKIP DESSERT.
AH, WHO CARES ABOUT A BUNCH OF STEROID GYM BUNNIES DANCING AROUND IN THEIR JOCKS ANYWAY? WELL, CONSIDERING YOU FUCKED ALL OF LAST YEAR'S CONTESTANTS: YOU.
[ Laughter .]
GOD, WHO WOULD DO THAT? WHO WOULDN'T FUCK BRIAN? Justin: NO.
I MEAN STRIP IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
FOR 1,000 BUCKS AND A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS? A LOT OF GUYS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE ON DRUGS, PLEASE, YOU'LL DO ANYTHING.
OOPS, SORRY.
BLAKE ACKNOWLEDGES HIS ADDICTION, AND HE'S WORKING ON IT.
I'VE BEEN GOING TO MEETINGS AT THE GAY AND LESBIAN CENTRE.
MY, MY, AREN'T WE A BUSY LITTLE BEE? SO, UM, WE'LL ALL MEET IN FRONT OF BABYLON? I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK DAVID'S GOING TO WANT TO GO 'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF LATE.
DOES HE ALREADY HAVE HIS TEETH IN A GLASS BY THEN? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW HE GETS UP AT 6:00 O'CLOCK EVERY MORNING AND RUNS FIVE MILES, WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN BED.
I FEEL THAT'S WHERE I GET MY BEST CARDIO WORKOUT.
I'M SURE HE WOULD GO IF I WANTED HIM TO.
UH-HUH.
IT'S TRUE.
ALL RIGHT.
THEN MAKE SURE HE'S THERE.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL.
OKAY.
OKAY.
GREAT.
FINE.
SO, YOU COMING? WELL, BABYLON ISN'T EXACTLY A DRUG-FREE ENVIRONMENT.
YOU KNOW, BLAKE'S A BIG BOY.
WHY DON'T YOU LET HIM DECIDE? I'M FINE.
REALLY.
WE'RE IN.
HOORAY! ONLY IT'S STARTING TO FEEL PERILOUSLY LIKE A COUPLES NIGHT, SEEING AS I'M THE ONLY SINGLE BOY LEFT.
'SCUSE ME, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? ARE WE GOING TO BABYLON? [ Chortling .]
WHAT? Michael: [ Mouth full .]
THOSE JEANS ARE ALL TORN AND TOO TIGHT.
WHAT? [ Mumbling .]
I SAID THOSE JEANS ARE ALL WORN AND TOO TIGHT.
[ Chuckling .]
HOW COME I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THEM BEFORE? I ONLY WEAR THEM WHEN I DON'T HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES.
WELL, YOU MUST STOP DOING LAUNDRY IMMEDIATELY.
[ Chuckling .]
HEY DO YOU FEEL LIKE GOING OUT? TONIGHT'S THE KING OF BABYLON CONTEST.
OH, MICHAEL, I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT SHIT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YES, I AM.
HUH.
LOOK, IF THE GUYS SAW HOW INCREDIBLY SEXY YOU LOOK IN THOSE JEANS, THEY'D PROB- ABLY STOP UM WHAT? NOTHING.
NEVER MIND.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.
NO, NO, NO.
FINISH WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY.
I BET THEY'D STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT ADULT DIAPERS, AND DENTURE CREAM AND PENILE IMPLANTS.
PENILE IMPLANTS? WELL, HEY, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF, YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.
[ Brushing of teeth .]
[ Running of water .]
[ Dropping of clothes .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Sighing .]
I KNEW THEY WOULDN'T COME.
MICHAEL PROBABLY HAD TO GIVE THE OLD MAN A PROSTATE MASSAGE.
HA! THERE ARE WORSE WAYS TO SPEND A SATURDAY NIGHT.
Michael: HEY, BOYS.
[ Chuckle .]
SORRY WE'RE LATE, UH, HAD TO WAIT FOR DAVID TO FINISH HIS 1,000 SIT-UPS.
HUH.
WOW DAVID, YOU YOU LOOK GREAT.
[ Chuckle .]
I MEAN, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
All: [ Shouts of approval .]
Brian: OKAY, ENOUGH OF THIS.
LET'S GO INSIDE, WHERE THEY HAVE SOME MORE JEANS.
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GO BEFORE US? [ ?????? .]
HEY, LET'S HAVE A DRINK.
ON ME.
Brian: NO, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO CHECK OUT THE DANCE FLOOR.
YEAH, ME TOO.
SAME HERE.
THANKS ANYWAY.
GUESS I WON'T BE WINNING ANY POPULARITY CONTEST TONIGHT.
IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S THEIRS.
COME ON.
HE-EY, DUDE.
HOW'S IT GOING? HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND.
I'VE BEEN AWAY.
WELCOME BACK.
NEED A FAVOUR? NO THANKS.
WHO'S THAT? NOBODY.
MY DEALER.
EX-DEALER.
I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
LOOK, YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME, OKAY? I DO.
[ Sighing .]
LET'S DANCE.
[ ?????? .]
Announcer: GENTLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME OUR HOSTESS FOR THE EVENING, HER ROYAL RUDENESS, SHEBA, QUEEN OF BABYLON.
[ Cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Grunt of stumbling .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
GOTTA MAKE SURE THE ROYAL TITS ARE INTACT.
UH-HUH.
[ Laughter .]
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
GO AWAY.
GO PLAY WITH YOURSELVES.
CH-CIAO.
[ Laughter .]
[ Sighing .]
WELCOME TO THE 73rd ANNUAL ACADEMY A OOPS, WRONG SHOW.
WELCOME TO THE KING OF BABYLON CONTEST [ Cheering/applause .]
WHERE THE COMPE- TITION IS STIFF, AND SO ARE THE CONTESTANTS.
BUT DON'T FRET, BOYS, YOU CAN STILL SIGN UP TO DROP TROU AND WIN A THOU.
ALL RIGHT, OUR FIRST CONTESTANT IS "FOUR ALARM FRED".
HE'LL, UH, LIGHT YOUR FIREANDPUT IT OUT.
[ Cheering/clapping .]
[ ?????? .]
SHAVED CHEST, PEC IMPLANTS.
STEROIDS HAIR CLUB FOR MEN.
YEAH, IT'S SAD, ISN'T IT? ALL THESE OLDER GUYS, STILL PARTYING WAY PAST THEIR PRIME.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.
OH.
SO HOW ABOUT THE REAL THING? CHECK BACK WITH ME IN AN HOUR.
WHAT? SO NOW I'M A BACKUP PLAN WHO YOU DO WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? WE'RE NOT A COUPLE.
MICHAEL AND DAVID ARE A COUPLE.
LINDSAY AND MELANIE ARE A COUPLE.
TED AND WHAT'S-HIS- NAME ARE A COUPLE.
YEAH.
SO WHAT ARE WE, BRIAN? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M SINGLE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Clapping/cheering .]
[ Cheering .]
[ Shrill whistling .]
[ Unzipping of fly .]
[ Sigh of relief .]
Woman: [ On P.
A.
system .]
INFORMATION DESK AT THE NORTH END OF THE MALL.
YOUR SON JOHN HAS BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
HEY.
HELLO.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU INTO? A LITTLE SHOPPING.
DINNER, A MOVIE.
THE NEW JULIA ROBERTS.
I JUST LOVE HER.
YOU, UH WANT TO DO SOMETHING? I'M SORRY BUT PUBLIC RESTROOMS AREN'T MY SCENE.
[ Zipping of fly .]
THEN HOW ABOUT WE GO SOME- PLACE ELSE? [ ?????? .]
[ Thinking .]
GOD, THE MUSIC'S SO LOUD IN HERE, YOU CAN BARELY HEAR YOURSELF THINK.
[ Stopping of ?????? .]
OH THAT'S BETTER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I INSISTED ON COMING HERE.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.
THE GUYS WHO ARE INTER- ESTED IN ME, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THEM.
AND THE ONES I'M INTERESTED IN, WELL, AREN'T INTERESTED IN ME.
AH-H [ Romantic ?????? .]
snapping of fingers .]
[ Snapping of fingers .]
Sheba: GENTLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN, CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO, OFFICER O'REILLY.
HE'S VERY ARRESTING, DON'T YOU THINK? OFFICER, I JUST GOT A PARKING TICKET.
STRIP-SEARCH ME! [ ?????? .]
THE PROBLEM WITH THIS CONTEST IS THAT IT EXPOSES THE SINGLE, MOST TRAGIC FLAW OF GAY CULTURE.
[ Chuckle .]
IT EXPOSES A LOT MORE THAN THAT, DOC.
AND THAT IS OUR ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL OBSESSION WITH YOUTH, BEAUTY AND SMOOTH, MUSCULAR BODIES.
I KNOW, WHAT A SHAME.
AND UNTIL WE BREAK FREE OF OUR STUNTED ADOLESCENCE AND OUR SUPER- FICIAL VALUES, WE'LL ALWAYS BE BOYS, NEVER MEN.
GOD, IS THAT ALL? I HAPPEN TO FIND WHAT DAVID IS SAYING TO BE PROFOUNDLY INSIGHTFUL.
I FIND IT TO BE PROFOUNDLY FULL OF SHIT.
AN OPINION PUT FORTH AS TRUTH BY A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITICAL, JEALOUS, GUILT-RIDDEN, SELF-LOATHING MIDDLE-AGED, SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED, PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL FAGS WHO WISH THEY WERE STRAIGHT.
HA, HA, HA, HA.
[ ?????? .]
SO WHY DON'T YOU SIGN UP? 'CAUSE I DON'T NEED TO DANCE AROUND IN MY UNDERWEAR TO GET LAID.
OR MAYBE YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE COMPETITION.
David: [ Snicker .]
OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING TO SIGN UP.
NO, HE WON'T.
[ Chuckling .]
NO WAY.
HE IS.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS MOHAMMED.
HE'S A MASTER YOGA INSTRUCTOR FROM RIPT GYM.
HE CAN PERFORM "AUTO FELLATIO".
WHAT THE FUCK'S THAT? IF THAT'S GIVING A BLOW JOB IN YOUR CAR, THEN I'M A MASTER TOO.
[ Chuckling .]
[ ?????? .]
SHIT, I'M STARTING TO WILT AND I'VE STILL GOT THE "BEST PECS CONTEST" AT BOYTOY TOMORROW.
MMM, WHAT'S WITH THE LONG FACE, SWEETHEART? NOTHING.
THIS GUY.
HMM.
AIN'T IT ALWAYS? SO, WHAT DID THIS GUY DO? HE TAKES ME FOR GRANTED.
A WALKING WET DREAM LIKE YOU COULD HAVE ANYONE HE WANTS.
I KNOW.
THAT'S THE PART I FIND SO IRRITATING.
MAYBE HE NEEDS TO KNOW IT.
MAYBE EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW IT.
HEY, DEB.
TELEPHONE.
IF IT'S PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE, TELL THEM I WON THE SWEEPSTAKES LAST YEAR.
IT'S YOUR BROTHER.
OH! HEY, VIC.
WHAT'S UP, HONEY? Vic: [ On Phone .]
Don't panic.
I've been arrested.
WHAT? I SAID DON'T PANIC.
AND DON'T TELL ANYBODY.
NOBODY.
NOT EVEN MICHAEL.
WHAT HAPPENED? I was at the mall, I went to pee.
WELL WHAT ARE THEY CHARGING YOU WITH? NOT FLUSHING? INDECENT EXPOSURE.
INDECENT WHAT THE HELL'D YOU DO, WAG IT AT SOMEBODY? I didn't do anything, Sis, I swear.
CAN YOU COME DOWN? I'M AT THE ZONE 8 STATION ON LIBERTY AND GRANT.
I'm leaving right now, all right? JUST STAY CALM.
And could you bring my meds? I SHOULD'VE TAKEN THEM AN HOUR AGO.
YEAH, DON'T WORRY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.
[ ?????? .]
[ Romantic ?????? .]
I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.
I-IT'S AS THOUGH WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER ALL OUR LIVES.
EXACTLY.
AS AS IF YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ME AND I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
TWO HALVES OF THE SAME SOUL THAT HAVE FINALLY MET.
IT'S WILD.
LOOK, I I KNOW THIS IS RIDICULOUSLY FORWARD OF ME I MEAN I MEAN, WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER.
BUT WOULD YOU MIND THAT IS, VERY MUCH I-IF I GO RIGHT AHEAD.
[ Gasps of pleasure .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Loud moans .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Cries of ecstasy .]
[ Panting .]
WAS THAT ALL RIGHT, MY LOVE? IT WAS LIKE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR'S AND MY BIRTHDAY, ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE.
NOT THE FOURTH OF JULY? WELL I'M SAVING THAT FOR YOU.
[ Groan .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Moaning .]
[ Louder moan .]
[ High-pitched moan .]
[ ?????? .]
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Ted: WHERE YOU GOING? BATHROOM.
DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO LET HIM GO ALONE? WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO HOLD IT FOR HIM? HAH! NO, I MEAN, AFTER WHAT HAP- PENED LAST TIME.
IT'S CALLED TRUST.
YEAH, YOU CAN TRUST HE'LL END UP IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
MAYBE HE WON'T.
MAYBE HE'LL DISAPPOINT ALL OF YOU AND ACTUALLY BE ALL RIGHT.
WHEN YOU WERE A BOY, DID YOU SAVE THE BIRDS WITH THE BROKEN WINGS? WHAT DID YOU DO, TEAR THEM OFF? Emmett: EVERYBODY I WANT YOU TO MEET A VERY SPECIAL SOMEONE.
I'M BRENT.
BRENT.
Michael: HI, BRENT.
HI.
HI BRENT.
HELLO, WELCOME.
ANYONE WHO'S SPECIAL TO EMMETT IS SPECIAL TO US.
WHO? EMMETT.
THAT'S ME, DARLING.
[ Snicker .]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO KNOWN EACH OTHER? WELL, I-IN THIS LIFE, ONLY A BRIEF WHILE.
BUT, UH BUT I-I BELIEVE THAT IN PAST LIVES, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER MANY TIMES BEFORE.
UH, DON'T YOU? OH, IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR HOW WE COULD HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WE BOTH LOVE BRAD PITT.
Brent: CLINIQUE FOR MEN.
Together: ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE HAVING A SALE.
UH, GREEN ONION-FLAVOURED POTATO CHIPS.
Brent: AND OUR FAVOUR- ITE SONG IS "SOMEWHERE OUT THERE".
NOWTHAT'S UNCANNY.
WELL, COME AND HAVE A DRINK WITH US.
[ ?????? .]
HEY, WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? EMMETT KNOWS SOME GUY FOR ALL OF 15 MINUTES AND HE'S PRACTICALLY A FRAT BROTHER.
BLAKE YOU CAN BARELY SPEAK TO.
WELL, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
"SO, YOU NEARLY KILLED MY FRIEND.
" "HEY, I HEAR YOU PASSED OUT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
YOU WANT TO BE BUDS?" YOU KNOW, I FIGURED IF ANYONE COULD'VE GIVEN HIM A CHANCE, IT WOULD'VE BEEN YOU, MICHAEL.
[ Ringing of door bell .]
Melanie: HOLD ON, JESUS! [ Knocking on door .]
I'M COMING.
[ Continued knocking .]
WHAT'S THE MATTER? I'VE BEEN CALLING, BUT THERE'S NO ANSWER.
OH, WE TURN THE PHONE OFF AT NIGHT.
IT WAKES GUS UP.
I'M I-I'M SORRY TO BE COMING BY SO LATE.
VIC'S IN JAIL.
Both: WHAT? HE SAID HE WAS AT THE MALL, HE WENT TO THE MEN'S ROOM, AND THE NEXT THING IS THEY ARRESTED HIM FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
INDECENT EXPOSURE? YEAH, HE SWEARS HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
BUT HE NEEDS A LAWYER, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GO GET DRESSED.
WELL, IF HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, WHY DID THEY ARREST HIM? OH, I-IT'S HARASSMENT OF GAY PEOPLE.
COPS JUST LIKE PLAYING "CAPTURE THE FAG".
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU THINK VIC DID SOMETHING? I WAS JUST ASKING YEAH WELL, I'M TELLING YOU, I KNOW MY OWN BROTHER.
AND IT'S CRAP.
LISTEN, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GO GET DRESSED, BUT WE BETTER GET A MOVE ON.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ ?????? .]
YOU SAID TO CHECK BACK WITH YOU IN AN HOUR.
I STILL HAVE EIGHT MINUTES LEFT.
[ ?????? .]
[ Snorting .]
HE HAS ZITS ON HIS ASS, A TRAGIC ENDOWMENT, AND IS JUST GETTING OVER A NASTY CASE OF GONORRHEA.
UH-HUH.
[ ?????? .]
WELL, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T WAIT TOO LONG.
BY THEN I MAY HAVE OTHER PLANS.
[ ?????? .]
SO, WHAT'S WITH YOU ANYWAY? NOTHING.
WHO'S YOUR, UH FRIEND? NOBODY.
YOU LOOK PRETTY TIGHT TO ME.
SO HOW COME YOU DIDN'T INTRODUCE US? HE WOULDN'T LIKE YOU.
MAYBE HE WOULD IF I, UH OFFERED HIM A FAVOUR.
YEAH WELL, HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF YOUR "FAVOURS".
GREAT STUFF.
GREAT PRICE.
AND I TOLD YOU, NEITHER AM I.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PROBABLY JUST WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: LOITERING OUTSIDE THE MEN'S ROOM.
DID YOU COME TO CHECK UP ON ME? 'COURSE NOT.
I JUST SEEM TO MEET THE CUTEST GUYS HERE.
'CAUSE I TOLD YOU, I'M FINE.
I KNOW.
COME ON, LET'S, UH GO FIND THE OTHERS.
LET'S NOT.
I'D RATHER JUST BE WITH YOU.
Sheba: GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES, AND THIS BLONDE PREFERS GENTLEMEN IN LEATHER.
A BIG HAND FOR DWAYNE.
All: [ Cheering/clapping .]
[ ?????? .]
[ Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite" ?????? .]
I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT ABOUT LIVING IN A LITTLE COTTAGE WITH A GARDEN OUT BACK? W-WHERE I CAN GROW LAVENDER AND DAFFODILS, AND WEAR A BIG SUN BONNET, LIKE MY AUNT BELLE, THAT TIES UNDER THE CHIN.
AND WE'LL COOK GOURMET MEALS SEASONED WITH OUR VERY OWN HERBS.
AND ON SNOWY EVENINGS, WE'LL CURL UP IN FRONT OF THE FIRE WITH BIG MUGS OF HOT TEA.
AND AND IN THE SUMMER, WE'LL TAKE LONG, LAZY WALKS DOWN A SUN-DAPPLED COUNTRY LANE.
IT'S HEAVEN.
BLISS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DON'T GO AWAY.
I'LL BE WAITING RIGHT HERE.
[ Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite" ?????? .]
[ Club ?????? .]
YOU HAD ENOUGH PULSATING, GRINDING FLESH FOR ONE EVENING? I'M READY TO GO WHENEVER YOU ARE.
Brian: NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET.
YOU'LL MISS MY BIG NUMBER.
OH, RIGHT, LIKE YOU'D REALLY GO THROUGH WITH IT.
WELL, IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
Sheba: DWAYNE! [ Cheering .]
IF DWAYNE BECOMES KING, HE'LL BE THE RULER BY WHOM ALL OTHERS ARE MEASURED.
I OUGHT TO KNOW, I MEASURED HIM MYSELF.
All: [ Laughing/cheering .]
RIGHT.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT LIKES YOUNGER MEN.
HIS FAVOURITE PASTIME IS FEELING SUPERIOR.
HIS SPECIAL SKILL IS MANIPULATING PEOPLE.
All: [ Booing .]
MUST BE YOU.
LET'S PUT OUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR PITTSBURGH'S HUNKIEST CHIROPRACTOR, DR.
DAVID CAMERON! [ Cheering .]
YOU ASSHOLE.
[ Breathlessly .]
DR.
CAMERON? PAGING DR.
CAMERON.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SIGNING UP YOURSELF.
NOW WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT, WHEN YOU KNOW I FIND THIS OBSESSION WITH YOUTH AND ABS AND SEX SO APPALLING? YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO UP THERE.
DON'T WORRY, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF IT.
THANK GOD.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF DANCING AROUND IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AT YOUR AGE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DOC, IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
WELL, YOU THINK I CAN'T DO IT? AT MY AGE? PAGING DR.
CAMERON! OH, PFFT MOTHER OF GOD! DR.
CAMERON? [ Cheering .]
Crowd: [ Chanting .]
DR.
CAMERON! DR.
CAMERON! Michael: DAVID Crowd: DR.
CAMERON! DR.
CAMERON! [ Chanting/cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
OW! [ ?????? .]
[ Wild cheering .]
HE ISN'T.
YES, HE IS.
[ ?????? .]
OW! [ ?????? .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
EXCUSE ME, SERGEANT? WE'RE HERE TO SEE VICTOR GRASSI.
Sergeant: GRASSI.
OH, UH, SORRY, LADIES.
YOU HAVE TO COME BACK LATER.
HE'S STILL BEING PROCESSED.
BUT I'M HIS SISTER.
AND I'M MR.
GRASSI'S ATTORNEY.
COULD YOU JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH HIS BAIL IS SET AT? WHAT? $5,000? ISN'T THAT HIGH FOR A FIRST OFFENSE? SAYS HERE HE'S GOT A PREVIOUS ARREST.
FOR WHAT? POSSESSION OF AN ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE.
[ Sighing .]
HE WAS PULLED OVER, IT WAS THERE WAS A JOINT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
IT WASN'T EVEN HIS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T HE SAY SOMETHING? BECAUSE EVEN WHEN WE WERE KIDS, HE NEVER SQUEALED ON ME.
[ Sighing .]
LOOK, OFFICER.
MY BROTHER'S VERY SICK.
HE'S GOT TO TAKE HIS MEDS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM? HE'S H.
I.
V POSITIVE.
OH, FIGURES.
EXCUSE ME? NO DRUGS ALLOWED IN THE HOLDING CELL UNTIL THE PRECINCT DOCTORS EXAMINE HIM.
BUT THESE ARE PRE- SCRIPTION MEDICATIONS.
HIS LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
WELL, IF HE'S SO SICK, WHAT WAS HE DOING HANGING OUT IN A PUBLIC MEN'S ROOM? TAKING A PISS.
Melanie: JESUS.
COME ON.
[ ?????? .]
AH! YOU'RE SO CUTE.
YOU HAVE GREAT ABS.
UH, WELL, THEY'RE THEY'RE ESSENTIAL FOR, UH, STRONG BACK SUPPORT AND GOOD POSTURE.
CALL ME.
YEAH, ME TOO.
ANYTIME.
I'LL MAKE IT SO WORTH YOUR WHILE.
Michael: DO YOU MIND? HE'S ALREADY TAKEN.
WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE PLEASED WITH YOURSELF.
WIPE THAT GRIN OFF YOUR FACE.
PUT YOUR SHIRT ON! MICHAEL I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT IT.
A-AH! COME HERE.
[ ?????? .]
[ Inaudible conversation .]
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, BOYS AND BOYS? THE NEXT CONTESTANT LOVES THE POWER- PUFF GIRLS, MARGARITAS AND OLDER MEN WHO TAKE HIM FOR GRANTED.
HERE'S JUSTIN! All: [ Cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
OH, MY GOD! YOU GO, BABY! [ ?????? .]
WHOOO! [ ?????? .]
?? HIGH SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL ?? WAIT.
?? HIGH SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL ?? [ ?????? .]
[ Cheering .]
[ ?????? .]
WHOOOOO! [ ?????? .]
WHERE WERE YOU? I WAS STARTING TO WORRY.
SORRY.
I GOT HUNG UP.
THAT'S OKAY.
GAVE ME MORE TIME TO MISS YOU.
AND BE EVEN HAPPIER NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK.
IS THAT COLOGNE? HUH? I GUESS SO.
I DON'T RECALL YOUR EVER WEARING COLOGNE.
I JUST STARTED.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? YOU YOU SEEM A LITTLE DISTANT.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
OKAY.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE? UM OH, YES, IN OUR CUTE LITTLE COTTAGE.
NO, WAIT.
I CAN'T LIE TO YOU.
WE'VE MEANT TOO MUCH TO EACH OTHER FOR THAT.
I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW.
NEW? WE'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES.
LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO HAPPEN, I SWEAR.
I NEVER, NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU.
[ Wild cheers .]
Man: DRAW, COWBOY! DRAW! EMMETT! WAIT.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? TO US? AFTER ALL THAT WE SHARED? PLEASE, DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE.
YOU SAID THAT YOU NEVER FELT SO CLOSE TO ANYONE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
THAT THAT WE WE WERE TWO HALVES OF THE SAME SOUL.
THINGS CHANGE.
PEOPLE CHANGE.
I HAVEN'T CHANGED.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
IN TIME, PASSION DIES.
YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON.
FINE.
GO! MOVE ON.
WHO'S STOPPING YOU? I'LL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS.
YEAH, HOW LONG IS THAT? TILL TOMORROW? I GAVE YOU THE BEST MINUTES OF MY LIFE, YOU [ Stamping of foot .]
[ Emotional ?????? .]
SO YOU GOT THE NIGHT SHIFT, HUH, SERGEANT? I DID THE SAME THING AT THE DINER.
MIDNIGHT TO 8:00.
IN ADDITION TO TO HELP PAY FOR MY BROTHER'S MEDICAL BILLS.
BUT YOU DO THAT YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY'S SICK.
IS THERE ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY WHO NEEDS ATTENTION? MY SISTER'S A DIABETIC.
[ Clearing of throat .]
SHE GOT IT WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 10.
YEAH, SO HOW'S SHE DOING? THEY CUT HER LEG OFF A FEW YEARS AGO.
NOW SHE'S LOSING HER SIGHT.
GOD BLESS HER.
SO, I IMAGINE YOU'D SWIM THE TO BE THERE FOR HER, HUH? ACTUALLY, WE DON'T SEE MUCH OF EACH OTHER.
WE NEVER GOT ALONG.
NOW DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE.
IT'S A FEW PILLS.
IT'S A FEW FUCKING PILLS.
IT'S OKAY.
HOW THE HELL ARE WE GONNA GET $5,000? All: [ Cheering .]
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A WINNER.
EVERYBODY, DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, WHERE I KNOW YOU ALL WANT TO BE, FOR THE NEW KING OF BABYLON HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS JUSTIN! [ Wild cheers .]
HUH! WHOO! ME? YOU.
[ Triumphant ?????? .]
OH-H-H.
WHOEVER THAT ASSHOLE IS WHO'S BEEN IGNORING YOU, HE WON'T BE TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED ANY MORE.
THANK YOU.
THANKS.
[ Cheering/clapping .]
[ ?????? .]
[ ?????? .]
DID YOU SEE ME? YEAH, I SAW YOU.
WELL? I THINK THAT CONTEST WAS RIGGED.
YOU KNOW HIM? Brian: YEAH.
I TAUGHT HIM EVERY- THING HE KNOWS.
EXCEPT HOW TO DANCE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? I'D ASK HIM, ONLY I'M SURE HE DOESN'T KNOW.
SHAWN.
YOU'RE HOT.
I WAS WATCHING YOU.
YOU WERE? YOU MADE ME WANT TO FUCK ALL NIGHT.
YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? YOU LEAD.
I THOUGHT WE HAD PLANS.
[ Snorting .]
IF YOU COULDN'T DO BETTER.
I TOLD YOU I MIGHT HAVE PLANS TOO.
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM? HE'S JUST MY STALKER.
I SUPPOSE WE COULD HAVE A THREE-WAY, ONLY, HE'S KINDA OLD.
[ Chuckle .]
WE'RE ALSO KINDA LEAVING.
[ ?????? .]
'SCUSE ME, BUT AREN'T YOU THE PERSON WHO SAID ABOUT AN HOUR AGO THAT THEY'D HAD ENOUGH OF THIS PULSATING, GRINDING FLESH AND WANTED TO GO HOME? WHAT'S THE RUSH? THERE'S NO RUSH.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T APPROVE.
YOU KNOW, ALL THE MISPLACED EMPHASIS ON SMOOTH, MUSCULAR BODIES, THE OBSESSION WITH YOUTH, AND THE SHALLOW VALUES.
WELL, MAYBE I WAS BEING A LITTLE JUDGMENTAL.
TRY HYPOCRITICAL.
WHO'S BEING JUDGMENTAL NOW? JUST BE HONEST.
DON'T PUT SOMEONE DOWN FOR DOING SOMETHING YOU'VE ALWAYS WISHED YOU COULD DO, BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS.
I'M GOING HOME.
MICHAEL.
THERE'S MICHAEL.
SO? WELL SO YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HIM ALL NIGHT.
DON'T YOU WANT TO I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'D RATHER BE WITH YOU.
I KNOW, BUT IS THERE SOME SORT OF WHAT? PROBLEM? ON ACCOUNT OF ME? OF COURSE NOT.
'CAUSE IF THERE IS, I DON'T WANT TO COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.
YOU'RE NOT.
EVEN IF YOU WERE, IT WOULDN'T MATTER.
LOOK DON'T SAY THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.
IF I EVER THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IF A FRIEND OF MINE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOU, ALL IT MEANS IS HE WAS NEVER REALLY MY FRIEND TO BEGIN WITH.
[ ?????? .]
?? YOU LOOK SO FINE ?? ?? OUT TO BREAK YOUR HEART ?? ?? I'M GIVING MINE ?? ?? YOU'RE TAKING ME OVER ?? ?? IT'S SO INSANE ?? ?? YOU'VE GOT ME DOWN AND CHAINED ?? ?? I HEAR YOUR NAME ?? ?? I'M FALLING OVER ?? ?? KNOCKED DOWN, CRY OUT ?? [ Muttering .]
Debbie: MICHAEL! MA, MELANIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHERE'S BRIAN? I-I WAS HOPING MAYBE YOU COULD HELP.
WELL, I WOULD, DEBBIE, BUT I CAN'T REALLY OPEN A BANK ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
MAYBE CREDIT CARDS? NO, THE MAXIMUM WITHDRAWAL AT AN ATM IS $500.
I CAN COVER IT.
CAN THEY TAKE A CHEQUE? Melanie: ONLY IF IT'S CERTIFIED.
Debbie: SHIT! I MEAN, COULD THEY MAKE IT ANY MORE FUCKING DIFFICULT? Melanie: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL A BAIL BONDSMAN.
[ ?????? .]
Blake: IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER, MENTION THIS GUY'S NAME, HE'LL PUT UP THE BAIL FOR YOU.
Ted: WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? I ASKED DINO FOR A FAVOUR.
Debbie: THANK YOU.
OH THANK YOU, UM BLAKE.
Debbie: BLAKE.
AH, THANK YOU, I'M DEBBIE.
OH! OH, OH, THANK YOU! [ Stammering .]
THAT'S SOME FRIEND YOU'VE GOT.
I LIKE TO THINK SO.
Debbie: OH, THANK YOU! WHERE'D YOU FIND HIM? Ted: IT'S A LONG STORY, DEB.
THANKS.
NO PROBLEM.
LOOK I'M SORRY IF I'VE BEEN SHITTY.
IT'S BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT TED.
SO DO I.
Ted: DID I MISS SOMETHING? NO.
WHAT? NO.
NOTHING.
NOTHING.
OKAY, WE'RE ALL SET.
LET'S GO.
THANKS AGAIN! JESUS CHRIST, SIS, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
Michael: THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, UNCLE VIC.
WE KNOW YOU'RE INNOCENT.
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.
CAN WE PLEASE GO HOME? YES, I'LL TAKE YOU HOME RIGHT NOW.
BUT FIRST I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR MEDS.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR MEDS TO YOU ALL NIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, THE DESK SERGEANT GAVE ME MY PILLS.
LET'S GO.
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN YOU SO JEALOUS.
I AM NOT JEALOUS.
OH, NOW WHO'S BEING DISHONEST? WELL HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR BOYFRIEND WAS BEING OGLED BY EVERY FAG IN TOWN? IT SO HAPPENS HE IS.
OH, I AM, YEAH.
CONSTANTLY.
ONLY YOU NEVER NOTICE.
YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM, FAULTY GAYDAR.
LUCKY FOR ME.
SO NOW THAT YOU'VE PROVEN TO EVERYONE HOW HOT YOU ARE EVEN AT YOUR AGE, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE OUT PARTYING EVERY NIGHT.
NOT EVERY NIGHT.
[ Chuckling .]
BUT IT WAS NICE TO GET THE ATTENTION, TO KNOW I'M STILL ATTRACTIVE.
I MUST ADMIT, HOT YOUNG MEN WITH SMOOTH, MUSCULAR BODIES HAVE A CERTAIN APPEAL.
BUT THERE ARE OTHER THINGS.
WORK.
MY SON AND YOU.
SO BEFORE YOU HANG THESE JEANS UP UNTIL NEXT LAUNDRY DAY, HOW ABOUT DOING A LITTLE DANCE FOR ME? [ ?????? .]
?? I'M SO HOT ?? ?? OOH, OOH-OOH-OOH ?? ?? MOVE A LITTLE BIT CLOSER ?? ?? JUST A LITTLE BIT ?? YEAH! ?? OOH, OOH-OOH-OOH ?? ?? I'M SO HOT ?? KRCQ WEATHER, IT'S HEATING UP.
YEAH.
?? JUST A LITTLE BIT CLOSER ?? THIS COFFEE'S FOR SHIT.
SO JUSTIN'S THE NEW KING OF BABYLON.
SO, THE, UH, CUB CAUGHT THE LION'S PREY, HM.
Ted: SO EVEN THOUGH YOU'D LIKE TO REST ON YOUR LAURELS, SECURE IN YOUR POSITION OF POWER, NOW YOU KNOW THEY'RE SNAPPING AT YOUR HEELS.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO RUN FASTER AND FASTER SO WHY DON'T YOU PASS THE FUCKING SUGAR? Emmett: YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF HIM.
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
[ Scoffing .]
HEY, ISN'T THAT BRENT? Blake: WHO'S BRENT? EMMETT'S OLD FLAME.
MUST BE HIS NEW LOVE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? BEEN A LONG TIME.
I'VE THOUGHT OF YOU OFTEN.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
YOU TOO.
YOU SEEING ANYONE? NOT REALLY.
YOU? WE JUST MET.
SO YOU'LL BE FREE TONIGHT.
PROBABLY.
WOULD YOU DON'T! WE CAN'T GO BACK.
I PREFER TO REMEMBER THE WAY WE WERE.
[ Emotional ?????? .]
Ted & Michael: HEY-Y-Y! All: [ Clapping .]
HAIL TO THE KING.
WHAT A NIGHT.
SO, HOW WAS HE? HE HAD THE GREATEST ASS.
I BROUGHT HIM BACK, I FUCKED HIM ALL NIGHT.
I THINK MY DICK'S GOING TO BE SORE FOR A WEEK.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO HEAR MORE.
SPEAK SLOWLY AND ENUNCIATE.
Justin: [ Chuckling .]
UH, HE GAVE GREAT HEAD.
HE WANTED ME TO FUCK HIM WITH MY CROWN ON.
IT'S KIND OF KINKY.
All: [ Snort/chuckle .]
AFTER A WHILE THOUGH, HE GOT REALLY CLINGY.
HE WANTED TO KNOW WHEN HE COULD SEE ME AGAIN SO WHAT'D YOU TELL HIM? I TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD SEE ME IN HIS DREAMS.
Emmett: SO.
WHO'S UP FOR THE ABSOLUTE ABS CONTEST? ?? BIG, THICK MUSCLES ?? [ ?????? .]
?? BIG, THICK MUSCLES ?? [ ?????? .]
CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS [ ?????? .]
GIRLFRIEND, LEMME TELL YA AGAIN.
I MET THIS MAN THE OTHER NIGHT.
TIGHT, GLEAMING MUSCLES RIPPLIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE.
HE WAS MAKIN' ME HOT.
HE MADE ME WET AND HE TURNED ME ON ALL NIGHT LONG DRIVIN' ME OUT OF MY MIND DRIVIN' ME OUT OF MY MOTHER-FUCKIN' MIND, GIRL.
YOU SHOULDA SEEN HIM.
AND YOU SHOULDA SEENIT! I'M TALKIN' A MOO!