Roseanne s01e20 Episode Script

well, this one is called "toto, we're not in kansas anymore," the special effects show.
this was big cornball activity in this one.
and i remember like really being, you know, perturbed at the lengths that we had to sit there and wait for 'em to set up the mailbox flying through the window and, i was like, "oh, man, i could never do a movie.
" it was just too much.
but it's the first show also, in fact the only show, where we revealed d.
j.
's real name, david jacob.
and i actually thought of that while i was sitting there all those hours.
hope you enjoy it.
what's this? my insurance claim for the robbery.
"27-inch color t.
v.
with stereo and remote"? yeah, so? hey, the only thing those crooks ripped off from your apartment was a 12-inch portable black and white with a hanger for an antenna.
that philco was an heirloom.
you just can't put a price on sentiment.
those punks trashed my apartment.
i'm only trying to get back what's mine plus a little compensation for my mental anguish.
your mental anguish? what about me? i've been married for 15 years.
so, you think the insurance company's - not gonna go for it? - ah, i don't know.
a multinational conglomerate outwit the lanford scam queen? impossible.
becky, turn down that heavy breathing.
mom, darlene's been taking my stuff again without asking.
i then how come i found my new sweater at the bottom of your grungy closet? because everything in the free world to diane's tonight to do homework.
since when they got a dress code at diane's? yeah, bosom face.
can't we have her put to sleep? well, we tried but the vet backed out.
what you doing, aunt jackie? what she does best.
trying to get something for nothing.
mom, i can't get the knob to turn on this stupid washer.
i hate this house! - nothing ever works.
- except me.
hey, put me down for a new washer, would ya? here, dig in.
this stuff is disgusting.
wait'll you taste it.
june, i'm home.
you'll never know how i've counted the hours.
on your toes, right? - see ya.
- always nice to see ya leaving.
i'm coming right back, so don't get too excited.
roseanne, need anything besides bread crumbs? yeah, pick me up a couple of those tabloids so i can keep tabs on elvis.
fork over the bread, fred.
hmm.
don't hurry back, jack.
thanks for the cash, stupid.
- hi, the beckster.
- hi, the dadster.
can you drop me off at diane's tonight? hmm, for a price.
thanks.
not now, dan.
not in front of the kids.
i gotta get out of this shirt.
mercury must have shot up 30 degrees while i was driving home.
well, your mercury always shoots up the closer you get to me.
come on out here.
i want to show you this sky.
dAN: i was on the job site.
the clouds started spreading out like india ink.
it's kind of like close encounters.
oh, man, look at that cumulonimbus.
well, you took the words right out of my mouth.
you know what we're in for.
lots of little nimbuses? ah, this weather gets my fur up! take a deep breath.
you know what that smells like? what's the word i'm looking for? garbage.
oh.
there's nothing like the air before a storm.
it's so stimulating.
yeah, i feel the same way about laundry.
hey, partner.
i was just about to send out a posse.
sorry, mom.
oh, good, i see you put your bike away.
mom, why is it so hot? i don't know, honey.
i think we're due for a storm.
god, that was close.
i got static electricity.
the hair's standing up on my arms.
this is so cool! are we gonna have a hurricane? no, baby, we don't get hurricanes this far inland.
yeah, those coastal towns have all the fun.
come on, let's put in the bikes.
i'm gonna go check the weather report.
rOSEANNE: hurry, hurry, hurry.
dARLENE: what was that? rOSEANNE: that was god saying get your butt inside.
dad, what are you doing? he's trying to find some music he can relate to.
rADIO ANNOUNCER: aS OF 5:00 pm, cENTRAL sTANDARD tIME, A TORNADO WATCH IS IN EFFECT FOR fULTON cOUNTY.
- hey, that's us! - shh! tHE STORM IS ON THE SOUTHERN BOUNDARY OF THE COUNTY - AND THERE IS A THREAT - tornado.
i knew it.
you know the next thing they're gonna be urging us to take adequate and immediate shelter.
aLL LISTENERS WITHIN THE RADIUS OF THIS REPORT ARE STRONGLY URGED TO TAKE ADEQUATE AND IMMEDIATE SHELTER.
tHERE IS A TORNADO WATCH IN EFFECT FOR ALL OF fULTON cOUNTY.
tHAT IS A TORNADO WATCH.
okay, everybody, duck and cover.
a tornado, cool! shut up, darlene.
this is serious.
what's a tornado? well, remember that part in wizard of oz when dorothy was all alone in the house and she went flying up in the air and spinning around? is our house gonna go spinning around? d.
j.
, you know that stuff you see on television that just gives you a sense of what's real.
what's gonna happen today is really real.
uh, a tornado is raw, wild, untamed what's the word i'm looking for? george bush? aren't we supposed to be doing something? what's the worst that could happen? okay, the tornado picks up our house, and slams it down in a better neighborhood.
mother, this is no time to kid around.
yeah, you're right.
okay, everybody, panic! i'm serious.
we had a tornado drill in school.
we're supposed to go to the northeast corner of the basement.
we don't have a basement anymore 'cause your dad's using it for a storage locker.
i had to put them two-by-fours and sheet rock somewhere.
then what are we gonna do? we're gonna get all our disaster supplies together so we can sit down and enjoy this like a family.
what supplies? like candles, matches, batteries, stuff like that- first aid kit.
where's our first aid kit? it's not a first aid kit anymore.
darlene's been using it as a lunch box.
what happened to the stuff that was inside it? well, i sorta sold it to the baseball team.
well, good, at least they're, uh, safe.
what about food? good idea, d.
j.
food.
canned goods, uh, fresh water.
now dan, this is an emergency.
we need real food like caramel corn and cheese puffs.
i'm gonna call fred and beatrice.
see if we can use their cellar as a storm cellar.
i thought we agreed to see less of them.
honey, this is a disaster.
so was their last party.
ahh! damn.
i can't get through.
i shouldn't even be on the phone with the lightning so close.
i gotta call diane, tell her i can't come tonight.
well, you can tell her later when her house flies by our window.
would you stop screwing around? oh, right, dan, let's whip the kids up into a hysterical frenzy while there's still time.
we're talking about a tornado, an honest-to-god tornado.
don't you think i'm worried? my sister's out there for crying out loud.
i know you're worried.
we're supposed to unplug everything.
crack the windows so the pressure doesn't build up in here.
i put new batteries in the radio but i can't get a station.
okay, we're losing power.
- tHE TORNADO WATCH IN EFFECT FOR fULTON cOUNTY - listen, you guys.
HAS BEEN UPGRADED TO A WARNING FOR THE EASTERN TOWNS OF oAKTON AND lANFORD.
- oh, my god.
- it's okay, baby.
tORNADO WINDS GUSTING HAVE BEEN JUST REPORTED AND FUNNELS HAVE BEEN SPOTTED, SEVERAL FUNNELS, ALONG hIGHWAY 36.
all right, they're coming this way! shut up, darlene! - you're scaring d.
j.
- no way.
come on, let's go get into our tornado gear.
becky, turn off the washer.
make sure it's off, unplug it and the dryer too.
dan, i'm scared.
i'm scared about jackie.
i'm scared about everything.
it'll be okay.
well, thank god you always know the right thing to say.
who'd be out in the middle of a tornado? you mean besides your father? it's me, crystal! cRYSTAL: ohh! i was on my way home, from taking lonnie downstate to his grandma's, and i almost lost control of the car.
it's like the end of the world out there.
great, no more geraldo.
let me take your coat.
no, i better keep it on.
you never know, the wind might rip the roof off.
that's the way, think positive.
- lord have mercy.
- come on, crystal.
why don't you sit down and relax.
- i can't relax.
- all right, clean my house.
have you ever been in a tornado, dad? oh, stand over here.
yeah.
stand where it's safe.
dARLENE: wow, did you see that tire blow by? - d.
j.
: i did.
- you kids are getting a taste of what mother nature really can do.
you're also about to get a taste of that plate glass window.
what good's a tornado if you can't see it? oh, yeah, you're right.
why don't you guys go out and play? dan, you're not safe there.
it's so damn hypnotic.
i can't believe jackie's still out there.
there are live electrical wires down all over town.
oh, for god's sake, crystal.
roseanne! we gotta take cover, it's coming this way.
rOSEANNE: oh, who'd i just step on? - d.
j.
: me.
- rOSEANNE: that's one.
darlene? dAN: darlene.
cRYSTAL: oh, my god.
where is she? rOSEANNE: that is not funny! you're grounded till menopause.
yours or mine? rOSEANNE: your father's.
becky? rOSEANNE: becky, come out now! it wasn't funny when darlene did it.
becky! maybe she's lying in the house somewhere buried under the rubble.
rOSEANNE: knock it off! what is it?! nothing.
i just bumped into my future and it was hideous.
i'm gonna go check upstairs.
no, jackie went to check up there.
- you know where she went.
- the garage? yeah, to get those damn animals.
let's go get her and beat the hell of her before the tornado gets her.
dAN: becky, what the hell were you thinking about? you could have been killed! bECKY: so could pebbles and bam-bam.
i gotta go get waffles.
he needs his medicine.
rOSEANNE: hey, i don't care if pancakes needs a pacemaker, you're not going no place.
now grab those rats.
we're going into the living room.
dAN: rosie, this is really something.
if i knew i wasn't gonna get killed, i'd get out in the middle of this.
- this is too good to miss.
- well, so are you.
what difference does it make if he goes out or stays in.
if the tornado's gonna get ya, it's gonna get ya.
when your number's up, your number's up.
we all gotta go sometime.
try not to look on the bright side.
don't talk about this.
it's bad luck.
bad luck, good luck.
what difference does it make? we're powerless.
when i was on my way back over here, i saw that thing.
- the tornado? - yeah, and i had my camera so i thought i'd move in on it and snap a few.
how could you do something that crazy? dad used to put us all in the buick and go chasing storms.
dad was a lunatic! you can't believe the power of that thing.
it wipes out one house and leaves the next one untouched.
there's absolutely no rhyme or reason to it.
it's beyond our control.
nothing means anything.
have you been talking to mom? come on, you two.
you're missing out on marshmallows.
come on, sis, marshmallows.
food of the gods.
we'll have a regular oink fest.
roseanne, how do you like yours? how do you like yours, roseanne? oh, how i like my men.
crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.
want me to make you one, aunt jackie? don't bother your aunt jackie when she's in the middle of a breakdown.
oh, my god, what's at the door? it's for you, crystal.
give me the willies.
are you okay? yeah.
i'm writing in my diary everything that's happening just in case.
oh, honey, you're gonna make it.
you'll survive this horrible moment and grow up and have horrible moments with your own kids.
i love you, mom.
what was that? probably something of mine.
roseanne, i want to live.
think it over.
roseanne.
oh, god.
god, if you get me through this i'll forget all about the 27-inch color t.
v.
with stereo and remote.
you should see that twister.
it's unbelievable.
here we go, come on.
get over here, let's go! - move it! - cRYSTAL: ahh! i just want you all to know that i love you very much.
- what?! - i love you! we love you too.
p! d.
j.
: everybody, it's coming! d.
j.
, get away from that window.
okay, everybody look horrified.
it'll be hard to top my wedding photo.
you'll thank me for these.
these are for your insurance company.
- mom? - dAN: watch the glass.
can darlene and i go see what's up in the neighborhood? yeah.
be careful where you walk th.
and no looting unless it fits me.
i'll go with them, roseanne.
i could use a breath of fresh air.
come on, girls.
can i go too, mom? no, you have to stay here.
i'm not done hugging you yet.
you believe this? freddie sunk this baby in a foot of concrete, and the wind still got it.
good.
i always hated that stupid goose and gander painted on the side.
honk! i'll take it out back, see if we still got anything left out there.
- can i help? - absolutely not.
- please, i'll be careful.
- oh, okay.
the perfect end to another perfect day, eh, sis? yeah, and of course you didn't help things out any running around out there like a fool, making me worry about ya.
i wasn't trying to make you worry.
i thought i might sell some of these shots to a magazine.
sometimes i feel like i got four kids.
oh, lighten up.
it was just a little tornado.
well, you don't get it, do ya? you really scared me.
i wasn't trying to scare ya.
you don't have to try.
your whole life scares me.
look what we found.
your lawn chairs were over on gunden avenue.
our stuff was lying all over the neighborhood.
what'd you bring it back for? this was my big chance to get rid of it.
mom, is it safe to watch t.
v.
? no safer than before.
hey, this doesn't belong to us, does it? no, but it could if you play your cards right.
guess it must have blown over from freddie's yard.
here's our chance to get even with 'em for not returning your weed whacker.
you'll be happy to know we still got a back-end on the place.
i'm just glad we still got back-ends on each other.
well, i guess i'll get over to my place and see if it's still standing.
thanks for putting up with me.
sure.
just don't press your luck in future disasters.
- see ya.
- bye-bye, you guys.
see you later.
i feel like celebrating.
who'll join me in a beer? - dAN: me! - rOSEANNE: shh.
i think that's cypress street.
tv REPORTER: jOHN hALE, WHERE THE ACTION IS, AT THE SCENE.
aS WE ALL KNOW BY NOW, SEVERAL SMALL TORNADOES HAVE CAUSED EXTENSIVE DAMAGE TO PARTS OF THE lANFORD AREA.
aLTHOUGH THEY LASTED LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR, THE TORNADOES, GUSTING UP TO 150 MILES PER HOUR, BROUGHT NEAR DEVASTATION TO SEVERAL HOMES AND BUSINESSES.
tHE HOUSE BEHIND ME, LOCATED AT 344 cYPRESS- WELL, YOU we saw two ambulances going around the block before.
jeez, dan.
i don't even want to think about it.
you want to think about salvaging what's left of our backyard? i don't want to think about that either.
looks like we lucked out again, huh, kid? yeah.
well, think about it.
if you were a tornado, would you want to come in this house? what is that? one of them zen riddles? let me ask you a question.
that depends.
what about? about freddie's mailbox.
freddie's mailbox.
ask me anything you want about freddie's mailbox.
what if it would've hit me in the head and killed me? what do you mean- what do you mean, what if it would've killed you.
what then, what? i mean "roseanne connor, 35, was killed in yesterday's tornado by freddie meeker's flying mailbox.
" "dan connor, 36, today filed suit in civil court against one frederick meeker, for an amount exceeding five million dollars.
" seriously though, what would you have done? roseanne, there's a time for morbid and there's a time for not morbid.
check your watch.
i'm just asking you a serious question.
what would you have done? a single father, three kids.
probably go out and look for florence henderson.
come on, dan, this is something we really have to think about.
- no, we don't.
- why not? because nothing bad's ever gonna happen.
oh, right.
"roseanne connor celebrated yet another birthday today.
she was 264 years old.
" look, honey, we don't have to talk about this right now.
we ought to just be glad that we're alive, the kids are alive.
let it go at that.
- and let it go at that? - yeah.
dan, that tornado was a sign.
what kind of a sign? a giant sign.
no, like a giant poster.
more like a billboard and in great, big letters, - it says- - "repent, the end is near"? no, it says, "sorry we missed you.
we'll call again for another appointment.
" and it's signed, "the tornado man.
" terrific.
okay, we'll live our lives.
and every other moment of every other day we'll look at each other and go, "watch out, babe, something bad's gonna happen.
" that's a wonderful prescription for a relaxed life.
rosie there's some things you can't prepare for ever.
uh, no matter how much you think you're prepared for them you're not prepared.
if you spend your whole life preparing for 'em, you're wasting your time.
hell, i know that.
well, what's this all about? well, i guess there's just a warm front moving in.
i guess you're right.
- d.
j.
: i'll get it.
- dARLENE: you can't reach it.
hello? yeah, hi, mrs.
clyde.
yeah, i'll tell him.
dad, that was mrs.
clyde.
she's got your chicago bears boxer shorts.
they were in her tree.
and to think i trusted you.
ha ha, baby, i was thinking about you the whole time.