Cheers s01e21 Episode Script

Sam, let me have the TV control.
- What are you gonna watch? - Something extraordinary on TV.
- What's up.
Game on? - What is it, the Bruins? I think the lady singing the anthem is loaded.
Diane, what the hell is this? Wagner's "Ring of the Nibelungs", the complete cycle.
"Das Rheingold", "Die Walküre", "Siegfried" and finally "Götterdämmerung".
I hope they don't use that canned laughter.
It's not comedy.
This is opera.
I'll explain as we proceed.
This is the story of a golden ring with magical powers that curses anyone who owns it.
Wait.
They had that same story on Scooby Doo Saturday morning.
But the dog sang a little better than that.
Come on, you guys.
Give it a chance.
The first three hours are I put up with your sporting events.
It's time that you return the favour.
After ten minutes, if you aren't totally mesmerised by its beauty, - I will turn it off.
- Ten minutes? Very funny.
Culture's wasted on you.
Oxygen is wasted on you.
That was not a very nice thing to do to Diane.
- Sam's got a point there.
- She has watched a lot of sports.
Let's give it another shot.
Coach, I'm gonna be in the back checking the wine.
OK, Sam.
Would you like to join me? It's quiet, empty, dimly lit.
Much like your mind.
So, what do you say? Sam, you talk a lot about our having a dalliance, but I've always been told that barking dogs don't bite.
Biting.
Is that what you're into? Do you know what bothers me? There are women upon whom this works, and they're allowed to vote and drive cars.
So, what do you say? Fred and Ginger are taking a break, but they'll be back to nauseate you later on.
Eddie, it's been nice talking to you.
By the way, did I tell you that my wife passed away some time ago? Yeah.
Thanks.
I really appreciate that.
Is your wife dead yet, Ed? That's good.
I wanna thank you for thinking about me, and I'll get back to you.
So long, pal.
What is it? Pal of mine, Eddie Fuentes, manages in the Winter Leagues in Venezuela.
He says if I can learn Spanish, he might have a job for me, coaching.
You mean you're gonna return to coaching? Yeah, baseball's so much simpler than life.
In baseball I always know where I'm at.
We're up, I'm in the coach's box.
They're up, I'm in the dugout.
The game is over, I hit the head, get a cheeseburger.
- Sounds like a great life.
- It's terrific.
You know any Spanish, Coach? I took some courses for a couple of days just to learn a few phrases.
Like what? Like, "How tall is my dentist?" and "Is that really your sister?" Just enough to get by.
- You're gonna do fine, Coach.
- Thanks, Cliff.
Interesting.
That was Sam's brother.
He's on his way over.
- Brother? Didn't know he had one.
- Me either.
- He didn't tell any of you? - Coach? Si? - Did you know Sam has a brother? - Of course I know he had a brother.
- He hates him.
- Why does he hate him? He was cruel to him.
When Sam was a kid, he'd shove his head underwater.
Wait a minute.
That was my brother.
Come to think of it, that was my head.
Don't Sam and his brother spend any time together? They get together whenever he's in town, but he's never been to Cheers.
He's coming now, and someone has to tell Sam.
Let me do it.
I'm a smoothie about breaking bad news.
- Your apartment burned down.
- My God.
Really? No.
Your brother's on his way over.
Makes you feel better, doesn't it? - I hate it when you do that.
- It cushions the blow.
- My brother's in town? - I took the call.
- He was just leaving his hotel.
- Good.
Did you tell him I was here? Of course.
I had no idea this would be a problem.
No problem.
My brother's coming over.
I love my brother.
That's not what I heard.
Step in here and let me show you something I've triumphed over.
Don't tell me you've finally mastered the stapler.
Sit down.
What they were talking about out there is I used to have this problem with my brother, Derek.
It was kind of an inferiority complex.
But that was a long time ago, and I conquered it.
Here it is.
This is the guy that used to make me feel like nothing.
What? He's very nice-looking.
He'd be even better if he had his two front teeth.
I blacked those out myself.
That was before I got over my problem.
I didn't go to any psychiatrists.
I didn't read any fancy books.
I just sat myself down and said, "My brother's no better than I am.
" I'm sure you're right.
- What's he do for a living? - He's an international lawyer.
It so happens I come from a very intelligent family.
I guess Derek does OK for himself.
He must make 50, 50 grand a year.
You're kidding.
Those guys make 10 times that much.
It's the job.
Last year he travelled so much, he had to buy his own plane.
What kind of life is that? The poor wretch.
Who am I kidding? The guy is better at everything than I am.
He's perfect.
Sam.
He's maybe a man of some accomplishment, but this all sounds like a younger brother idealising his older sibling.
- You think so? - Sure.
He's just an ordinary Joe.
Can I keep this? You must have a sense of humour about these things.
Maybe you're right.
If I looked at it right, it could be funny.
- Sure.
- One less tooth and a moustache.
Sam, nuclear bomb just hit Boston.
Derek's here.
They're catching on.
Listen.
Wait.
I don't want you to worry about me.
I'm used to living around Mr Wonderful all my life.
It's no big deal.
It's just that when he's in the room, I feel invisible.
Sam, I don't pay you a lot of compliments, but I really don't feel you have any need to feel inferior to anyone.
Thank you.
That's very nice.
- Nice voice.
Who is that? - Guess.
Way to go, Derek.
- Can we get this man a beer? - I'll get it.
Sam, sorry, I didn't see you.
Derek, how about a beer? No, thank you, Norm.
What a guy.
Can I catch a beer, Sammy? - Where are my waitresses? - Watching the show.
- The show? - Derek's doing trick pool shots.
Must have had fun growing up with him.
Do you have any idea what kind of gift I could get for Derek? - Gift? - I feel I should get him something.
He did get me a job.
He got you a job, after all those months you're been looking? Not just a job.
He got me a great job.
For the first time I'm gonna have my own parking space.
Got a secretary, a window for water bombs, all the perks.
- Good for you, Norm.
That's great.
- So what can I get him? I really don't care what you get him.
Get him a tie.
Sure.
I wouldn't dare buy clothes for that guy.
He has his lint made in England.
Norm, hurry up.
He's gonna do some tap-dancing for us.
You two, come on back here.
We got a rich guy tap-dancing.
Sammy.
Your brother is one good-looking guy.
Did you ever hear Derek say anything about being a sucker for swarthy, fertile, Mediterranean types? - Afraid not, Carla.
- Figured.
Let me have a couple of Heinekens and a couple of Löwenbräus.
How come your brother has beautiful curly blond hair and deep blue eyes? - Are they blue? - Like Windex.
Boy, sounds like the stick lady's having a good time, doesn't it? Is that Diane's laugh? I thought they were killing chickens back there.
He really got to her when he told her about that time in Paris when he got drunk with Anais Nin.
Really? I was hoping you'd know.
Derek's always been like that, always had to have the spotlight, had to be the centre of attention.
If it's any consolation to you, I know how you feel.
I got a sister who's got me beat in every way.
She's five foot two, her husband never has a drink until noon, and she's a beautician.
How do you compete with that? But after a while I said to myself, "To hell with her.
I'm me.
" What you're trying to say is I'm as good as my brother? You're kidding? You're not even as good as my sister.
But I still like you best, Sam.
That makes two of us.
Wait a minute.
What do you think? You think Diane likes Derek? "Does Diane like Derek?" I don't know.
I'll pass her a note in gym.
I know what my brother's like around women, and I know Diane.
You know something? I used to admire you.
But know what's happened to you since she got here? You've turned into a big weenie.
You're a dink, a wimp, a fred, a loser.
Thank you.
I was having a confidence problem, but that's been a real boost.
Just a few weeks ago, you were making time with every foxy lady in Boston, on your way to legendary status.
You were heading for the Hounds Hall of Fame.
Then Lady Fishface walked in the door.
- What's going on here? - I don't know.
It's driving me nuts.
Maybe she's playing hard-to-get, but hard-to-get for me used to mean I'd have to sit through dinner.
If you can't get to her, no one can.
- What about Derek? - In a minute.
But don't worry.
He's got better taste than that.
- What? - Your brother's teaching me Spanish.
You're learning the Spanish language in one evening? You want me to take the bar over? I get it.
You'd rather be here when he's back there, right? - Something like that.
- You don't have to draw me pictures.
Although I like it, but you don't have to.
- What's your order? - Sam, he's not that great.
He can tell an interesting story, he's met a few interesting people, but he's just a man like any other man you'd meet in Greek mythology.
- What's your order? - I don't have an order.
I thought you'd like to join the party.
I'll take the bar.
Go back there and enjoy yourself.
Believe it or not, I'm having a lot of fun just being out here by myself.
I swear, it does not bother me that my brother's here.
- Really? - Really.
Good.
I feel better telling you about something.
Derek wants a beer.
I'm buying.
I'm taking care of this.
I'm buying.
Sam, I love this bar of yours.
But you know the best thing about it? Its owner.
- Thanks, Sam.
- Derek, one more game of pool.
You were about to tell me something.
Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard tonight.
In a plane or on his back? He didn't say, specifically.
Of course, he was all excited about the new Learjet he just bought.
- But it's not a date or anything.
- What if it is? It's OK with me.
- I thought maybe you'd be bothered.
- Bothered? I have a date myself tonight.
It's a good night for it.
OK.
If you're sure.
I think you and Derek will make a great match.
Really? You both think you're perfect, and one of you is right.
You know what your problem is? You are afraid of your feelings.
I am not.
I don't have any feelings about this.
Whatever you and my brother Derek want to do is OK with me.
I don't care.
- Fine.
- Please don't go.
What? What did you say? I said I have no feelings about this.
No, after that.
You said something.
It sounded like "Please don't go.
" Please don't go? Are you crazy? You gotta get over this egotism of yours.
Go, with my blessings.
Have a good time, really.
Please stay here.
Wait a minute.
What was that? There at the end you said something.
You're hallucinating.
Get outta here and have a good time.
Go on.
OK, I'm glad you understand.
- If you go, I'll die.
- What? - I heard you say something.
- You're coming unglued.
Please go.
Have fun.
- OK, I'll go.
- There you go.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go freshen up.
- I'd rather stay with you.
- What? What did you say? I didn't hear anything.
What do you say we go to the Combat Zone and see a girlie show? I've got a date, Coach.
Maybe I'll go alone.
It's a tough neighbourhood.
I think you need some protection.
You're right, Sam.
What do you say, Carla? - Not tonight, Coach.
- Maybe some other time.
Good night.
- See you tomorrow, Sam.
- Yeah.
Want me to hang around till your date gets here? - You probably wanna get on home.
- Are you kidding? It's 2am.
My kids might be there.
Sammy, would you just tell me one thing? What do you see in her? Who? The one who was off on a Learjet with your brother.
The one who can't stop talking.
The geek.
I know she's not perfect.
I know she talks too much.
She's all those things you said.
But there are times when I'm with her she just irritates the hell out of me.
- That's what you're looking for? - Maybe it is.
I know what you mean.
I'm always falling for guys I hate.
My whole life has been the wrong man at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong birth-control device.
Sam? You ever thought, even for a minute, about you and me? Sure I have, Carla.
A recent minute? I was always afraid you'd be too much woman for me.
You're a wise man, Sam Malone.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi, Debbie.
Boy am I glad you could make it tonight.
It really isn't very fair to call me at the last minute like that.
It's a good thing my boyfriend's a heavy sleeper.
I just didn't feel like being alone tonight.
- What do you want to do? - Something with just the two of us.
I don't wanna think about anything or anybody but us all night long.