Everybody Hates Chris s01e21 Episode Script

Growing up in Brooklyn, I always thought that traveling to faraway places was something that only rich people did.
At 13, I'd never been out of New York, but all that was about to change.
Class, I have an announcement.
We're all going on a field trip to Washington, DC.
You just need to have your parents sign your permission slips and sell 30 boxes of cookies to cover the cost of the trip.
Chris.
If your people can't afford to pay cash, I'll see if we'll accept food stamps.
She acts like it's caviar.
It's just cookies, damn.
How are we going to get there? We're chartering a bus.
Prepare to sit in the back, Birmingham.
I'd like to sit you under a bus.
Adaptation: Sixe Happy anniversary.
What's this? Oh, baby, you didn't have to get me anything! Oh, yes, he did.
My father learned that the hard way.
You're the one that told me not to get you nothing! What you stab me for?! Rochelle! And it was just Arbor Day.
Rochelle! Go ahead, open it.
Let's see what you got me.
This is so sweet, baby.
Dreamgirls! Oh, Dreamgirls! Oh, baby! How did you get tickets to Dreamgirls? These are expensive.
It's okay, I got them from Risky.
Risky? My father has gotten tickets from Risky before-- for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.
What happened? Who's down? What happened? Man! He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.
What's she wearing? Did she throw her shoe yet? I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Yes, Patti, I love you, girl! Don't worry, we're gonna have a good time, okay? We are! We're gonna have a good time! Thank you, baby.
You are the sweetest man in the world.
Tonya, breakfast! Mama, I think something bit me.
No, baby, I don't think these are bites.
You've got chicken pox.
Who gave her chicken pox? Wasn't me.
Want me to get the Robitussin? No, I don't think Robitussin's gonna help this.
Look, Chris and Drew, I don't need y'all getting sick, so I need y'all to stay away from Tonya.
That's like saying stay away from a serial killer.
Okay.
Mom.
Did you sign my permission slip? It's in your book, baby.
Permission for what? A field trip to Washington, DC.
I need to sell cookies so I can go.
Can you take a few boxes to work? Oh, I'm sorry, Chris, but I can't ask these people to buy nothing else.
I've sold Avon for your mother, wrapping paper for Tonya, chocolate bars for Drew Okay.
No, no, no.
I'll tell you what.
I'll buy two boxes for myself to get you started.
The rest, you're gonna have to handle yourself.
Thanks, Dad.
With at least 100,000 people living in Bed-Stuy, selling 28 boxes of cookies couldn't be that hard.
Hello? She said she was 18! Hey! Would you like to buy Never mind.
Would you like to buy some cookies? I'll take four.
What are you doing?! He has diabetes.
You trying to kill him? I can't believe it's harder selling cookies than crack.
My mother told us to stay away from Tonya, but it was too late for Drew.
You're gonna make it worse, boy.
Stop scratching.
Why don't she just tell him to stop growing hair? But it itches.
Sit over here.
Mama, my booty itches.
Oh, come here.
Let me see.
See, baby, you can't scratch, you got to pat.
See? Does that feel better? Y es.
All right, go back to bed, okay? Let me see.
Ooh, 100 degrees, that's not so bad.
Here, lay down, get some rest.
I'll come check on you later.
And stop scratching.
You're making me itch.
You find anyone? Nobody wants to baby-sit kids with chicken pox.
Well, there goes Dreamgirls.
Thanks anyway, baby.
You know what? This would have been the best present you ever gave me.
It wouldn't be the first time my parents missed something because one of us was sick.
I got a coupon for a free dinner! Oh, I'm gonna get dressed.
Mama, I have rabies! Damn! I got Michael Jackson tickets! Oh, I'll call the sitter.
Mama, my eye fell out.
Damn! We just won a trip to Miami! Ooh, I'm gonna go get packed! Ma, I think I broke my neck.
Damn.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, Julius, it's okay.
We'll just spend another anniversary at home.
At least we'll be together.
You know what? These tickets are expensive.
There's no reason why both of us should sit at home.
I'll watch the kids.
You go.
Okay.
If she had a ball, she could have played for the Jets.
Sheila! We're going to see Dreamgirls! That's right.
Women never catch you in a lie when you want them to.
Okay.
And I am telling you I'm not going You're the best man I've ever known And there's no way I could ever, ever go Darling, there's no way No I'm living without ya I'm not living without ya Not living without ya I don't want to be Free-e-e-e-e-e I'm staying I'm staying And you, you, you You're gonna love me Jennifer, I'm coming! Daddy, can you scratch my booty? Please? Dude, you got to pull it together.
This is the best field trip all year.
I might get to see Tip O'Neill.
Who? You've never heard of Thomas Tip O'Neill? Not unless he's related to Shaquille.
He's only like the most famous Speaker of the House of Representatives ever.
Well, I don't know what else I can do.
I knocked on, like, 100 doors.
Well, you better knock on 'cause if I'm not on that bus to DC, I'm gonna freedom march all over your face.
Counting the two boxes of cookies I had sold to my dad, I had sold two boxes of cookies and had one stolen.
I needed a new strategy.
Excuse me.
would you like to buy a box of cookies? Can I get drunk on those cookies? Hey, Risky, you want to buy a box of cookies? Hey, youngblood, I don't buy, I sell.
You want to buy a VCR? No, thanks.
Hey.
You need a VCR? I got one already.
Fell off the truck this morning.
Really? I'll take two.
I never realized the only stuff that sold on the street in my neighborhood was stolen stuff.
Cookies! Cookies for sale! Chocolate chip, peanut butter, Do-Si-Do, chocolate mint! I got cookies.
They just fell off the truck this morning.
Why didn't you say so? Give me two boxes.
Thank you.
I couldn't wait to get back to school.
You the kid selling the cookies? Right off the truck.
How many you want? None.
You're under arrest.
All I knew about getting arrested was what I saw on TV.
They read you your rights You have the right to remain silent.
and you get a phone call You get one call.
and the food is horrible.
Thanks.
What I found out was that the worst part of getting arrested is being treated like a criminal.
Excuse me, can I use the bathroom? Should have thought about using the bathroom before you started selling stolen goods.
I wasn't selling stolen goods.
Then we must have got the wrong guy.
Don't I get, like, a phone call? Should have thought about making a phone call before you started selling stolen goods.
I know I looked cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was doing this I won't do it anymore, I promise! I'm not a thief! I want my mama! All I was thinking was one way or another, I wish they'd let me go.
Back at home, my father was thinking the same thing.
How do I look? You changed five times already.
You looked fine the first time.
Oh, thank you, baby.
I'm just so excited.
I mean, this is Dreamgirls.
Dreamgirls! This is like a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
- Yeah.
- So, uh, you better get going.
You're right, baby.
Oh, you are so good to me.
Dreamgirls.
We'll make you happy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Daddy, I'm itchy! Come on, I need to put you in a lineup.
A lineup? Yeah, apparently a delivery truck carrying cookies was hijacked in East Bergen the other day.
I know you're probably thinking who would hold up a cookie truck? Don't move! Don't move! All we want are your cookies! Think I'm playing? Now, go! - I'm not doing time for this-- - Go! I didn't hijack a truck.
I don't even know where East Bergen is.
Should have thought of that before you started selling stolen cookies.
I ain't taking a bath in that.
That looks nasty.
It'll help your itching.
But I don't like oatmeal.
You don't have to eat it, girl, you got to take a bath in it.
Then she's got to eat it.
My father didn't waste food.
It wasn't me.
I go to Corleone Junior High.
I got the cookies from school, and I'm just selling them so I can go on some trip to Washington, DC.
And I did not steal them.
I was just saying that so people would want to buy them.
You go to Corleone? What are you the only black kid there? Nice try.
There was an eyewitness, and you fit the profile, cookie boy.
I may have only been 13, but I already knew how racial profiling worked.
This is what the witness said He was a black male, medium complexion, about 6'4, 230 pounds.
He had brown eyes.
Um, he was wearing a-- Scout uniform with a yellow beanie, and he had on dark pants, and size 14 dark shoes.
And, uh, a birthmark on the back of his left wrist.
Oh, and- and he walked with a limp.
But this is what the cop heard Um, he was black, and, uh, black, black, and black.
Um, black, black, and he black, black, black, black, black, black.
And, uh, he had, uh, black, black, black, black.
And, oh, a black.
Y eah.
And, uh, he walked with a black.
Face forward.
Number two, stand still! That looks like the cover of the last Commodores album.
Usually, my father wanted my mother to be happy.
But this was the one time he was secretly hoping that the tickets that Risky gave him were horrible as usual.
Oh, my God! These seats are great! - I know! - Oh, girl, I hate to say it, but I'm glad your kids got the chicken pox.
Oh! Happy anniversary.
Oh, thank you, We love you! Don't go! You stay! You better go, girl! I'm staying! Hey.
Is Chris here yet? No, I guess he's still out selling cookies.
Okay.
Hey, dad? Can you get my armpit? So, uh, when's mom coming home? It'll be a while.
She's using my coupon to take Sheila to dinner, too.
How come she's going out with somebody else on your anniversary? Well I told her to go.
Why'd you do that? Because I want your mother to be happy.
Well, if I had to stay at home and be with sick people while somebody else was out having fun, I'd be mad.
Well, I'm not mad.
I would be.
I'd be sad, too.
Be kind of depressed because she left me.
- Yeah - I'd be crying and everything.
Man, I'd be so upset.
- You know, let's get - I don't see how you hold it in.
Here you go.
Sit tight, don't move.
I'll be back.
Hey, Russo, the kid's storry checks out.
Looks like you were telling the truth.
Your teacher confirmed your story.
- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah.
She also said to tell you you're a credit to your race.
Can I leave now? Sure-- soon as your parents come get you.
My parents? Can't you just let me go? I can't tell my mom I got arrested.
Should have thought of that before you started telling people you were selling stolen goods.
Hello? Hi, Dad.
Chris, you're supposed to be home at 3:00.
Where are you? I need you to pick me up at the police station.
You're in jail?! No matter what y did, don't say nothing.
- But, Dad, I didn't - Didn't I tell you don't say nothing? Anything you say can and will be used against you.
That was as close as my father came to being a lawyer.
Keep your mouth shut, I'll be there in a minute.
Okay.
So what are you selling these things for, anyway? A class trip to Washington, DC.
got any peanut butter Do-Si-Do? Just these.
Chocolate chip, huh? How much are they? Say what you want about cops, they sure got a mean sweet tooth.
Sign right there and you're all set.
It's okay, they just got chicken pox.
Hi, Dad.
Come on, let's go.
Are you mad at me? Yeah, I'm mad.
I wasn't doing anything wrong.
Tell him.
Hey, I never said you didn't do anything wrong.
You were standing outside a store claiming you had stolen goods.
It's not illegal, but it ain't right, either.
You listen to your father.
He's a smart man.
Thanks.
Before NWA, you could actually leave a police station with the same amount of teeth you came in with.
Dad? Can I still go on the trip? Yeah.
Come on.
While I was dreaming about getting out of jail, my mother was dreaming she was a Dreamgirl.
Well.
Look who's back.
How was the play? Oh, baby, it was incredible! You would have loved it.
How are the kids? Well, Tonya's asleep, Drew's fever is down, and Chris got arrested.
But the only thing that matters is that you had a good time.
What? What do you mean Chris got arrested? It's over.
It was a misunderstanding.
I went down and took care of it.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Did you have a good time? I had a great time! Oh, baby, it was incredible.
Thank you so much Well, as long as you had a good time.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Something.
What? What's wrong is you spent our anniversary with Sheila.
How could you go without me? Baby, you told me to go.
I didn't mean it.
It's just like when you tell me not to get you a gift.
I was just saying that to be nice.
I didn't want the tickets to go to waste.
And I wanted you to go and have a good time.
I'm just mad that you did.
You know you're not making a bit of sense, right? I know.
Forget it.
How were the seats? You don't want to know.
That good? Yup.
Damn, Risky.
What's this? I made a little stop on the way home.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, you got me a card.
Julius, just open the card.
Knicks playoff tickets?! Risky said they're the best seats in the house.
Oh! Yes! Yes! - What happened? - That's right, Clyde! That's right, Clyde! Thank you, baby! Uh-uh.
No.
Our anniversary ain't over yet.
Ooh, did I say that? I said it.
Oh, man, I can't wait! We're actually going to visit the senate floor! Did you know, for security reasons there's no direct route to or from the White House? Just in case somebody tries to kill the president? They need to do that in Bed-Stuy.
Hey, cell nerd.
What's that on your cheek? It looks like chicken pox.