Home Improvement s01e21 Episode Script

- Mom, I can't find the hose.
- What do you want it for, anyway? - Oh, nothing.
Just something to do.
- Why don't you read a book? You can't make mud with a book.
Mud? We're playing commandos.
We're putting the mud on our faces for camouflage.
No mud.
Oh, man.
Wait a second, wait a second.
You really want your faces dirty? - Yeah.
- OK, come here.
All right, take a sharp right.
All right, watch out for pedestrians and the refrigerator.
Got it, Dad.
Beep! Beep! - Hey, guys.
- Hi, Dad.
What? Are you giving each other facials? No.
We're playing commandos.
What? Are you attacking a beauty salon, or something? Hi, honey.
The auto parts god, Gearshift, has shined on me.
I found this today at the junkyard.
That's my woman.
Woman, watch your man weld.
Fire, metal, heat.
Oh, Tim, look out for the pottery wheel.
Oh, that had to hurt.
Try it, tell me what you think.
Uh, Mark, I think maybe you should go play commandos with your big bros.
Wow, cool.
What's this doing in the garage? I thought we wanted to put it in the basement.
Well, we were, but I can't work down there.
Oh, come on.
It'll be quiet, the kids won't go down there.
It's just damp, and there are bugs.
Well, I'll get you a sponge and an anteater, or something.
Now, look.
My pottery teacher said that I should work where the creative energy feels the strongest.
And since Paris is out of the question, I picked the garage and I really like it.
Well, I I don't think it's creative energy you're sensing.
This is grease energy.
It's It's man energy, and it's Boy, it's tough, even for a woman like you.
This'd suck the estrogen right out of you, honey.
What you really mean is that it's your garage and I don't belong here.
What I really mean is it's our garage, and you don't belong out here.
Yeah, I see.
Now, didn't we agree to put this in the basement, hon? OK.
You got it.
Move it.
- Great.
Get the door for me.
- All right.
- How many guys brought this in here? - Just one little skinny guy.
OK.
? Ah, gee! Tim, you're gonna hurt your back.
You need to lift with your legs.
Is that what he did? No, he had a forklift.
Look, your area is way over there, mine is way over here.
If I bother you, you can just tell me and I'll leave.
Good.
- Jill? - What? You're bothering me.
I'm kidding.
We'll share the garage.
Good.
I was just concerned about your safety.
I gotta put on the steering box today, and you know what that means? Welding.
Sparks, heat.
Noise.
Sweat.
Wow.
We should have welded on our honeymoon.
Once you've installed your drawer, it's always a good idea to slide 'er in a couple times.
Just to make sure it's seated properly on the track.
You can always be confident now, because the stop will prevent the drawer Jeez, AI! Thanks, Warren.
AI, you didn't you didn't get the stop in there.
I believe that was your job, Tim.
AI, I believe you're my assistant.
You're supposed to check up my work, right? That's what a good assistant does, right, Al? A good assistant does a lot more than that, Tim.
You're right, AI.
And that's why AI and I plan these minor slip-ups, to demonstrate the importance of how a good assistant can prevent accidents like this.
Isn't that right, AI? I don't think so, Tim.
I think what AI means is, if you're not careful and watch your step, you can screw up, just like AI did.
Tool Time tip: Don't be like AI.
See you next time, everybody.
BYE.
Guys.
- Good night, Lisa.
- Good night, Lisa.
Night, Al.
Al? What's the matter, Allie? Woo-hoo? Ah, women troubles again, huh? Come on, tell me.
What's the matter? If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
Well, if you won't tell me, how do I know? Tim, you embarrassed me today.
Oh, that's no big deal.
I always embarrass you.
Hey.
The audience knows I'm kidding around.
I've gotten used to the fact that you don't respect me.
That's not true.
But sometimes your constant clowning is a mockery of home improvement.
A mockery? Yes.
And sometimes it's just a little more than I can bear.
Oh, come on, AI.
You're not gonna cry, are you? I might.
I take my work seriously.
All you do is crack jokes.
Crack jokes? Well, the way you bend over like that, it's easy.
Well, you see, now, that's that's what I'm talking about.
Al, this show's part entertainment.
It takes a lot of skill to entertain the audience while we do our projects.
Anyone can do what you do.
Oh, really? Do you think you can do what I do? Oh, please.
How hard can it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time? A lot harder than it looks.
That isn't all that you think I do, do you? Yes.
And so do most of your viewers.
Hey, I got an idea, AI.
This is one you're gonna like.
Next time, why don't you try to host the show, and I'll try to be the assistant? You really mean that? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
We'll call it Tool Time, with AI "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
Hide.
Oh, man.
Where'd everybody go? Guess I have to do that welding all by myself.
Boy, that's a thirsty job.
I'll get a big drink of water before I go back out to the garage.
Stop! No fair.
Cut it out.
Do you surrender, or more squirts here? You're not allowed to squirt water in the house.
Yeah.
We're gonna tell Mom.
Ooh, commando's gonna tell his mommy.
- Yeah, you're gonna get in real big trouble.
- Oh, am I? My word against yours, who do you think she's gonna believe? - Them.
- What you Oh, honey.
Stop squirting.
Now get some towels and clean this up.
- Boy, I don't know where they get this.
- I do.
- Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey.
- Prisoner.
Put 'em up.
All right, all right, all right.
I'm your prisoner.
Do what you will to me.
Over and over.
Let's face it, Tim.
With you, once it's over, it's over.
Come here, I want to show you something.
Ta-da! - What do you think? - Wow! Whatever it is, it's one of the finest examples I've ever seen.
No, no.
It's a bowl.
No, Jill.
It's It's so much more than that.
No, come on.
This is not as easy as it looks.
This is the first thing I've gotten to stay standing up.
I'm so proud of it.
What's that smell? Oh, um, it's some lavender potpourri.
Lavender potpourri? This is the garage, not the Liberace Museum.
Just go back to your hot rod and shut up.
Jill, I can't work with this noise.
How can you call that noise? That's not noise, that's a proctology exam.
Hey, come on.
Honey, honey.
Ooh, ixnay, ixnay.
You remember you promised if you were bothering me you'd leave? - I'm not bothering you.
- Yes, you are.
Well, don't be silly.
I'm not.
If I say you're bothering me, you're bothering me.
Well, then, you leave.
- I'm building my hot rod out here.
- Oh, and I'm just playing with clay.
Yeah, well Oh, so your stuff is more important than my stuff.
No, but at least it's garagey stuff.
You know, it's cars, it's tools, it's grease.
It's not this little artsy Oh.
I can fix this Hey, look at that.
Mark, come out of there.
Did your brothers do this to you again? I can't tell you.
Randy told me not to.
Don't untie me, Mom.
I'm a prisoner.
It's the only way they'll let me play with them.
Jill.
I fixed the pot.
You're not the only genius in the family.
Thanks.
Well it's not perfect, but it's pretty close to the original.
Did you break a pot too? - He's escaped.
Book it.
- Hey, come back here.
Randy, did you do this to him? The truth.
Well, I tied him up, but Brad put him in the closet.
Hey, she didn't ask anything about me.
Now untie him.
- Come on, Mark.
- I didn't tell on you.
She found me.
Jill.
- What is this? - This is a garage-use timetable.
Since we can't share the garage together, I thought we should share it separately.
- Honey, I don't have any time on there.
- I gave you plenty of spaces.
Oh, like between two and three on Tuesdays? I work.
Oh.
That's right.
Well, I'll just take that space too.
I love this, between twelve and six a.
m.
That's when we sleep together.
Now you're catching on, big boy.
I should have never let you into my garage in the first place.
Aha! Your garage! The truth comes out.
Honey, you know what I mean.
I got the hot rod here, I got my tool bench.
I've already given you a place for the washing machines.
I guess I should be grateful that you let me come into your garage to do your laundry.
What I'm trying to get at is this is a man zone.
Where is the woman zone, Tim? All I got is the garage.
You got the whole rest of the damn house.
- To do what? Clean? - No.
Knit, sew, cook, vacuum I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Ow! - So am I.
And now, Binford Tools is proud to present Tool Time.
With its very special guest host, AI "The Toolman" Borland.
Hi.
Hi.
And and welcome to Tool Time, the show with more power Ah, you all know my guest assistant, Tim "The Assistant Man" Taylor.
Tim and I are going to be showing you today the proper method of installing decorative molding around the interior of a doorway.
Thank you, Lisa.
Jeez, AI.
Ah, Tim.
Do you suppose if Little Miss Muffet went through there, instead of a "doorway" they'd call it a "curds and whey?" I don't think so, AI.
Why not? That's AI "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland OK.
? So, uh The most common decorative molding are the casings, which go around the doors and windows, and the, uh, baseboards - thank you, Tim - which go on the, uh Ah, the They go - Bottom? - "bottom of the walls.
" And the crown molding, which of course go up on Oh.
- Can I assist you with that, AI? - Uh, no thank you, Tim.
We could use a staple gun right to your Adam's apple, AI.
And you know, speaking of staple guns, the, uh Do do you suppose that they call it a staple gun because it shoots out staples? Yes, I do, AI.
Well, I I agree, Tim.
All right, uh, first off we're gonna get to our miter box here.
Ah.
Ah, so But first, I would like to get something off my chest That tie? Uh I I'm just I'm just a little bit cheesed here.
The, uh, the other day I was in the supermarket, and I I was in the frozen food section, and they had lima beans three for a dollar.
And and I took four.
And and the lady at the checkout counter said, "Hey, can't you count?" Women, huh? Are you with me on this? Are you hot? Hey, AI, I'm having a little trouble with your CutSaw back here.
AI! I hope we didn't scare anybody just then, but it was Al's idea to stage a little disaster like this to demonstrate the importance of keeping your concentration at the workplace.
Right, AI? Uh, that's right, Tim.
Get to your get to your molding, then.
- Molding? - Yeah, the molding, AI.
You know, when I'm molding, sometimes, cutting in a miter, I get splinters at the end of my wood.
What would you do about that, AI? Ah, well, you want to take your tape, and tape the front of the molding before you start your miter.
Thank you, AI.
No, thank you, Tim.
Hey, AI.
Do you suppose they call this "molding" because it's made out of stuff that's been in the refrigerator a little too long? I don't think so, Tim.
Why don't we finish that molding off on the first part of this? We'll cut that thing Hey! Don't do that to me.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Nuh-uh, you're erasing Mom's name from the chart.
- I am not.
- Are too.
Why's it say "Ji?" Code red, code red! Run! - Go, go! - It's funny, huh? You better keep running, or I'll get a garden hose.
- Hi ho, good neighbor.
- Hey, Wilson.
What are you up to? Just painting a self-portrait.
Yeah, of who? - Well, Tim, I believe that would be of me.
- Yeah? - Can I see what you got so far? - Sure, neighbor.
- I got a question for you.
Do you mind? - Well, Tim, I would never give you the brush-off.
Jill is trying to take over my garage.
Hmm, I see.
A coup de garage.
She just doesn't understand.
It's my garage.
It's always been my garage.
It's always gonna be my garage.
It's my zone.
It'll never be her garage, because it's mine, mine, mine.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Well, Tim, men are territorial by nature.
- Yeah.
When you describe the garage as "yours, yours, yours,".
Jill's reaction is to protect herself from feeling unwelcome.
Yeah, I might have said something to make her feel unwelcome.
- Like what? - I told her to get out! - Well, Tim, that could cause some friction.
- Yeah, friction.
You have to understand, Tim, life for women is connections, a struggle to avoid isolation and preserve intimacy.
- Uh, intimacy.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah, bingo.
- Hm? Intimacy.
That's what it's all about.
Wilson, you're always right.
Ah, ah, Tim, Tim.
"Always" is as dangerous a word as "never.
" No, no, no.
This makes perfect sense.
Jill put that potter's wheel in the garage to be near me, to spend more time with me.
Thanks, Wilson.
- Listen, Jill.
I think I understand - Good.
No, no, no, no.
You didn't let me finish what I understand.
Doesn't matter.
If you understand something, that's enough for me.
I know why you put the potter's wheel in the garage.
And why did I do that, Tim? It's your struggle with isolation to preserve friction.
What? It's all about intimacy.
You just want to spend more time with me.
No, Tim.
The reason I'm taking pottery is so I can get away from you.
- What? - I need some time alone.
- This isn't anything to do with intimacy? - No.
I need some time and space to do something that I enjoy, for myself, for me.
When I don't have to think about you and the kids.
There's a fine how-do-you-do.
- I always think about you.
- Oh, really? Even when you're watching football? Especially when I'm watching football.
Yeah, I sit down and watch football, I'm always thinking: "God, if Jill were here, she could get me another beer.
" Face it, Tim.
We both need time away from each other.
- And that's what this is all about? - Yeah.
And if we have the time away from each other, then we can appreciate the time that we do have together.
Oh.
- Like now.
- Yeah? Kids are off at the park playing commandos.
I notice that somebody erased my name from the next hour on the garage timetable.
It's just you and me.
Got any ideas about what we could be doing? I'm getting one.
And what would that be? Work on the hot rod.
Oh, ho ho.
You won't believe it, but you were wrong, Wilson.
Jill didn't want intimacy.
Is that so? And you'll never guess what she really wanted.
- A little more time to herself? - Huh? You see, Tim, as Khalil Gibran said: "For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
" Ah, that's beautiful.
Oh, yeah, it is, yeah.
I have no idea what you just said.
I just mean that occasionally, it's healthy for you and Jill to be apart.
- Why didn't you say that in the first place? - It just came to me.
Sometimes it's not good to get me too early in the day, Tim.