Mike & Molly s01e21 Episode Script

- You been eating a lot of oatmeal lately.
- Yeah.
It's nutritious, filling and the extra fiber helps keep the intestinal train running on time.
Mm.
I hope we're near a gas station when the Mike Biggs choo-choo comes clickety-clacking through town.
Squeezing into that Porta-Potty would not have been my first choice either.
That's the fastest I've seen you go over a fence.
Thirty seconds later, you would've seen me go through a fence.
If I cannot pay my rent, I will have no place to live.
You are killing me! - Samuel? - What? Could I get a smidge more brown sugar for my oatmeal? Abe promised me a raise every month for two years.
But do I ever see an extra dollar in my paycheck? No, I do not.
That's rough.
Could you also grab me a handful of raisins? Hang on.
I think we got a brother in distress here.
We know which one of you will be the first to make detective.
Carl, stay out of it.
- What's the problem? - The landlord has increased my rent.
I'm going to be evicted if I don't get the raise I was promised.
- Need me to have a word with your boss? - Carl.
What? I can talk to these fat cats.
I was our precinct's union representative for two years running.
Yes, but it was supposed to be a four-year term.
Thanks to me, there are now rules in place about the early removal of a union rep.
- Go tell Abe I need to talk to him.
- Samuel, I implore you.
Do not let Carl speak on your behalf.
What's the big deal? I'm just gonna reason with him.
Go get Abe.
Carl, you're my best friend, but you're a hothead and a loudmouth.
Just when we have to play good cop, bad cop.
It's actually more embarrassed cop and source-of-embarrassment cop.
What's the problem? Something wrong with your free food? I think you and Samuel need to talk.
You know, create an open dialogue.
Is this any way to be considered official police business? - No, just helping out a friend.
- Then bye-bye, johnny law.
You a troublemaker? I don't need a troublemaker.
He's a workingman standing up for his rights.
I wait tables, I wash dishes, I take out the trash.
All I want in return is the salary increase you promised me.
Economic climate was much different when I made that promise.
Market crashed, financial world go topsy-turvy.
This is not Morgan Stanley, this is bacon and eggs.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
- You go bus tables.
- Don't you move.
All right, all right.
Everybody just calm down.
Oh, now you gonna get in my face too, huh, big boy? Never pay for one meal, now you gonna tell me how to run my business.
If you want me to pay for my food, I'm happy to.
Oh, sure, now.
Nothing but oatmeal and a dinner salad.
Pay for days before diet.
The "three milk shake, pork chop, apple pie" days.
Carl, this is none of our business.
All Sammy wants is a raise so he can pay his rent.
This is tough economic times.
Every American must tighten belt.
Good luck to you.
He's not asking for a handout, he just wants the raise.
- Walk away.
- You send goons with guns to threaten me.
- That's not what we're doing.
- Whoa.
You are bad news.
Guess what, you don't work here anymore.
- You're firing me? - You can't do that.
I can and I did.
You poke stick at cobra, you get the fangs.
And your days of free breakfasts are over, Crockett and Tubbs.
Oh, wonderful.
No job, no home.
I'm sorry, man.
I'd invite you to stay at my place but Grandma doesn't let me have sleepovers.
Man, I just wanted some oatmeal.
All right, the couch is yours till you get your own place.
- Thank you.
- Not a lot of rules here.
I'd appreciate you wearing flip-flops in the shower so we don't swap each other's foot fungus.
Got it.
The bathroom sink is not a drinking fountain.
There is a cup in the holder, which I would prefer that you didn't drink from.
Anyway, make yourself at home.
I'm headed over to Molly's for dinner.
- Tell her hello for me.
- Will do.
Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge.
Just steer clear of the Milky Way I got hidden behind the ice trays.
I'm not gonna eat it, but I like knowing it's there.
I'm sorry I didn't take your advice today.
Yeah, I told you not to listen to Carl.
I know.
He talks a good game, but you are clearly the brains of the team.
- Forgive me for not seeing it sooner.
- Don't beat yourself up about it.
We've all taken his bad advice from time to time.
There was a two-week period where I had spiky blond hair and a soul patch.
Well, have a nice time tonight.
You deserve an evening of friends and good food.
It will give me the opportunity to sit here alone contemplating where my life went so horribly wrong.
Everybody could use a little me time.
- Samuel, would you? - I'll get my coat.
Did you get enough to eat, Samuel? I am perfectly satiated.
Dinner was delightful.
- What did you call that dish? - Pot roast.
You serve it at Abe's.
I had it Wednesday.
Listen, I know things seem pretty grim right now but I'm sure something will turn up.
You know, when I first graduated from cosmetology school there were no jobs anywhere.
And I thought, "Oh, my God, I just wasted three weeks of my life.
" So how did you find work? Two words: Right place, right time.
That's actually four word You know what? Just Anyway, I was dating this funeral director.
And one day, I was taking a little disco nap in an empty casket.
- You know, like you do.
- Uh-huh.
And a client came in and thought I looked very natural and asked who did my makeup.
I popped up and said, "That would be me, hon.
" Well, before that woman came to, I was embarking on an exciting new career.
Cosmetician to the recently deceased.
See? It's those kinds of inspirational stories that brought me to this country.
That one made it all the way to Africa, huh? Can I get you another glass of wine? Well, how could I say no to a woman as beautiful as you? Oh, my God, you're so charming.
I can't believe you're unemployed and homeless.
I know you'll find a job.
And I know Mike is happy to have you stay at his place until you get back on your feet.
Well, hopefully I can accomplish that in the next 48 hours.
You said, "Hit the bricks in two days," right? - Mike? - Just trying to keep a fire lit under his ass.
He's here most of the time anyway so you can have his place as long as you need it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get carried away.
Really? You're giving me that face? Samuel, you're welcome to stay at my place for as long as you need.
Thank you, Mike.
Sometimes I think your body is so big just to accommodate the size of your heart.
Oh, what a beautiful way to say you're fat.
So, what is the deal with Molly's sister? Hands off.
She's already got a boyfriend without a job.
Well, I just thought if she's half as wonderful as Molly is Look, I'm onto you.
I see the little game you're playing.
What game? I'm simply commenting on what a lucky man you are.
Yeah, I get it.
I have so much and you have so little.
- Is that supposed to be me? - Yes, it is.
Don't pretend that accent doesn't thicken up like gravy when there are women around.
You know, perhaps it is better if I just wander the streets till morning.
Abe's opens at 5.
Oh, wait, I can't go there anymore.
I'm dropping you off at my place, but we're stopping at 7-Eleven and getting a newspaper so you can start looking for a job.
- Of course.
- And you're filling out an application at the 7-Eleven.
- Absolutely.
And listen, Mike, I cannot thank you enough for your generosity.
In my homeland, you would be revered as a king.
There would be a festival in your honor.
Women would name their children after you.
- Your picture would be on money.
- All right, what do you want now? My car? Only when you're not using it.
- Samuel's still crashing at your place? - Yup.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck at Molly's with her recycling rules and clipping my toenails over the toilet.
I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Yeah, a man's got to have his own space.
If I didn't have my lawn chair in the garage cohabitation with my grandma would be an impossibility.
Hey, why you flatfoots still come back here? I told you before, no more free lunch.
Things got a little heated the other day but Samuel's a good kid and he really needs this job.
It's too late, position has already been filled.
Soo-Jin, customer.
She very good worker.
And since she's my wife, it don't cost me one sweet dime.
What is it now? I'm watching Oprah, waiting for my "a-ha" moment and you're not it.
Darling, please bring coffee to these two gentlemen.
She'll be right back with your beverage.
You're telling me that pretty thing is your wife? Why not? I'm a successful good-looking man.
She's the big winner here.
You can cover her fingers in diamonds but can't give Samuel a 50-cent raise? Samuel don't dress up like Catholic schoolgirl and call me "sweet papa.
" - Oh, thank you, baby.
- Two large grapefruit juice.
- We wanted coffee.
- I wanted Ben Affleck, but I get him.
What have you done with my apartment and why are you wearing my drapes? Mike, I didn't know you were stopping by.
I need to grab some clean clothes before I go to Molly's.
What is that smell? I'm preparing a traditional African meal.
What is that, two missionaries in a Crock-Pot? Very funny.
Anyway, I would invite you to stay, but I have a lady friend coming over.
Please tell me it's not Molly's sister.
Oh, no, no, no, she gave me a fake number.
Hang on.
You don't have a job yet, but you've managed to find a date? It's amazing what women will overlook if you have your own apartment.
But who am I talking to? Yeah, yeah.
Hey, who told you you could move my furniture around? I was doing you a favor.
The feng shui in here was atrocious.
When I open the front door, I like to feel invited into the room.
Yeah, I get that about you.
How's the job hunt going? I'm weighing a few options.
I don't want to rush into a career path I'm not comfortable with.
Repeat after me: Paper or plastic? Would you like fries with that? Knock me in the water and win a stuffed bear.
Can we table this discussion? My lady friend will be here momentarily.
You need to find a job so you can get an apartment and I can have my place back.
Maybe you can move in with your new girlfriend.
Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.
I believe it's important for a man to have his own space, don't you? You know, I'm starting to think you didn't leave Africa willingly.
You got kicked out.
Hey, I was a political refugee.
You don't know the torment and struggle it took to get to America where I can cherish the freedoms that you take for granted.
The fact that they kicked me out is beside the point.
Man, I can't find anything in this dump.
And by "dump," do you mean the house I grew up in that my dead father built? I'm sorry.
It's just that I hate living out of a suitcase.
You don't have to.
I cleared out some closet space and a couple of drawers for you.
No point in me settling in.
Soon as Samuel's out of there, I'm back to my place.
But that could be a couple of weeks, maybe a month.
And whose fault is that? Judging from your tone, I guess you think it's mine.
Look, Molly, I know what's going on here.
It's in every gal's nature to wanna nest with an alpha male.
Really? That's Go on.
Well, and as much as I hope one day we'll be living under the same roof I'm just not ready for that right now.
I get it.
You're like a wild, untamed stallion and here I am trying to hook you up to a plow.
I said it's not your fault.
It's your womanly instincts.
I'm not quite following you, but that's probably just because I'm burdened with this crazy lady brain, you know: Look, I'm not saying you're trying to trap me as much as reel me in.
I see.
Less horse, more fish.
You know what? If I really wanted to trap you I'd dig a really big hole in the backyard and cover it with MoonPies.
See, you're getting angry.
But I told you, I don't blame you.
It's your DNA.
Looks like one of those giant manatees sunning itself on a big rock.
You know, that's where the legends of the mermaids come from.
Sailors would often mistake them for women.
Well, to me, that just sounds like a lame excuse for some bad behavior.
Whoa, where am I? It would appear, the doghouse.
I don't know what you did to pee on her parade but if you slept on the couch, you're still in midstream.
Morning, Mom, Vince.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Morning.
I'm guessing time has not healed these wounds.
Yeah, I picked up on that too.
I'd wait till she had her coffee.
Otherwise, she's a real ballbuster.
I heard that.
- It's true.
Got a crick in my neck from camping out on the sofa last night.
Oh, no.
What a shame.
Poor thing.
You look very pretty this morning.
Well rested.
It's easy to sleep when you've got nothing on your mind but lipstick and man trapping.
Okay, look, I never said trapped, but I am sorry for You know.
Acting like an ass? Well, I wouldn't necessarily say ass.
Big baby, thoughtless moron You know, let's just go with "ass.
" I was trying to be nice and accommodating to you and your friend.
And what do I get in return? Accusations that I'm trying to trap you.
Let her drink her coffee.
- Stay out of it, Mom.
I understand you wanting your own space.
Having the bed to myself last night was like a mini vacation.
I could stretch out, I didn't have to worry about your arm slamming down on my head like a giant meat log.
I'm sorry, Molly.
It's not that I don't wanna stay with you.
I just like having my apartment as kind of a safety net.
So do I.
I'm not ready for us to live together.
Good.
Because even if I don't use it, I like knowing it's there.
Yeah.
Kind of like the Milky Way you keep hidden behind your ice trays.
You know about that? I've replaced it three times.
I've replaced it four times.
- You don't keep one here, do you? In the vegetable crisper.
Mom! I'm sorry, I asked for scrambled.
This is over-easy.
Now scrambled.
That woman is the worst waitress in the world.
Who cares? Look at her.
She could bring me a urinal cake and I'd eat it.
- Hey, Samuel.
- What are you doing here? Abe called me out of the blue and offered me my job back with the raise he promised.
I told you.
You stayed strong and you won.
I know, Carl.
I'm so glad I listened to you.
You are clearly the brains of the team.
Next time, you can crash at his place.
I hope you like the top bunk and waking up to a face full of model airplane.
I'll be out of your home as soon as I can put together enough for first and last month's rent, security deposit and the premium cable package.
I'm afraid you've spoiled me.
Oh, Samuel.
Samuel, welcome back.
- You and me are good, right? - Yeah, we're good.
All right, your first job, go fire my wife.
Okay, so 50-cent-an-hour raise makes $20 a week.
This should cover it till the end of the month.
Nice when payoff go the other way, huh, Serpico? What's going on? You covering Samuel's raise? I'd pay twice as much to get him out of my apartment.
Although, I gotta admit, he did a nice job redecorating the place.
I know, I saw it when I went to his party.
Party?