Cheers s01e22 Episode Script

So, Chuck, how's the job search going? I got something, but I'm not too excited.
I'm a janitor in a biology lab where they do DNA experiments, making mutant viruses.
That sounds like a pretty good job.
Makes me nervous, weird stuff floating around.
- Don't worry.
I'm sure it's safe.
- Absolutely.
They take all the right precautions.
I guess you're right.
Must be getting a little paranoid.
I feel better already.
See you later.
Take care, Chuck.
Last week on Cheers Interesting.
That was Sam's brother.
He's on his way over.
He hates him.
The guy is better at everything than I am.
He's perfect.
- Nice voice.
Who is that? - Guess.
Your brother is one good-looking guy.
The guy did get me a job.
Hurry up.
He's gonna do some tap-dancing for us.
He's teaching me Spanish.
- You think Diane likes Derek? - I'll pass her a note in gym.
He's just a man, like any other man you'd meet in Greek mythology.
Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard tonight.
In a plane or on his back? Whatever you and my brother Derek wanna do is OK with me.
I don't care.
- I'd rather stay with you.
- What? What did you say? I didn't hear anything.
Is Diane about to fall for Sam's brother? Will Sam's heart be broken? Will Norm find happiness in his new job? Will Coach return to coaching in Venezuela? Will Carl Yastremski please call Cheers and ask for the Spitfire? Well, Coach, it's just clear we've reached a philosophical impasse.
Much like the question of the tree falling in the woods.
The what? The tree falling in the woods.
If a tree falls in the woods and there's nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound? If there's nobody there, how do you know it fell? - We assume that it fell.
- But you don't know.
OK, I went into the woods yesterday and saw the tree lying on the ground.
Beavers could have chewed on it and gently lowered it to the ground.
You got me there on that one.
How about another beer? I'm telling you, you surprise me.
You're not prepared at all tonight.
I fell asleep while going over my notes preparing for our conversation.
You do that too? Coach.
Where's Diane today? She must be out with Derek.
She's been out with him every day.
I'm sick of hearing about her.
Ever since Lady Dye-job arrived, she gets all the attention.
Nobody cares about me.
Nobody asks what Carla's doing any more.
Come on, now.
Be fair.
We weren't that interested in your life before she got here.
Well, Sam, thanks again.
Thank you for dropping me off.
Sure you can't come in for a drink? I'd love to, but I'm in kind of a hurry.
I'm sorry I shrieked the wrong name.
That's OK.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey, Sam.
Sammy.
My, my, Sammy.
Tell me true, not only did that gorgeous-looking girl go out with you, she also drove? She didn't drive, she carried me.
Sam, I'm proud of you.
You took my wimp speech to heart.
Great to see you back in action.
Thank you.
It took my mind off my brother and your skinny co-worker.
I don't even care where they are any more.
Where are they? Bobby and Susie saw them at the drive-in sharing a Coke and fries.
Afternoon, everybody.
- How you doing, Norm? - Coach, I'm on top of the world.
Which is a dismal spot in Greenland somewhere.
- How's your new job coming? - Don't bring that up.
I am no longer in the employ of Goldstein, Borman and Kawakami.
What happened? I discovered that so-called medical corporation was a polite term for a den of thieves.
They're in the business of cheating on taxes.
So you resigned in protest.
Well, I took a long lunch and they canned me.
- The last angry man.
- Damn right, I'm angry, Sammy.
Those are rich people cheating on taxes.
And who has to foot the bill? Honest folks.
Like me and you, and all you nice people at the bar that I've listed as my dependants.
So, where's Diane today? She's not out with Derek again? I don't believe it.
What happened to all the interesting talk around here? I used to enjoy coming in here and listening to a good conversation.
Now there's so much gossip, you should all have dryers on your heads.
- I'm gonna be in the office.
- OK, Sam.
- So what'll you have? - I'll have a cup of tea.
And I'll have a small sherry.
Now, that sounds nice.
Sherry sounds very nice.
And it is late afternoon.
I think I'll have a glass of sherry too, please.
- Two sherries.
- Make that a glass of wine.
- White wine.
- Wine.
I haven't had a glass of wine in ages.
Is your wine dry? Yeah, it's OK.
- Give me some wine, too.
- Two wines.
You know what sounds like fun to me all of a sudden? - What? - A beer.
I haven't had a beer since I don't know when.
I used to have half a beer on a hot day.
Well, it's quite cold out today.
Then put a shot of whisky with it and it's perfect.
Two boilermakers.
Wild Turkey and Bud.
- I'll run a tab.
- Good.
What's wrong, Coach? I didn't get the job in Venezuela.
They hired another guy.
- They didn't like your Spanish? - The Spanish was fine.
They didn't like my English.
- That's too bad, Coach.
- Sorry.
Well, que so what, so what.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.
What are you doing here? It's your day off? I needed to be in a place where I had a few friends today.
So that's your next stop? - Not today, Carla, please.
- What can I get you, honey? I'll have a soda water.
- You never take a day off.
- Thursday's my day off.
- You work every Thursday.
- Yeah, but I go a little slower.
- So, tell me, how are you doing? - Not very well.
- What is it? - It's Derek.
What about him? He's flying to Paris today, and he wants me to go with him.
He's a charming man, Coach.
He's everything I've been looking for.
And I think he's interested in me, too.
What a lousy break.
Wait a minute, Diane.
Maybe it's good.
- It is good.
- I'll tell you why.
The second I looked at you and Derek, I said, "There goes a cute couple.
" Yeah.
What about Sam? Sam and Derek are a little cuter, yeah.
Coach, let me ask you a question.
You're asking a guy who's taken a lot of fast balls in the head.
Are you sure you want to ask the question? - Do you think I'm a smart person? - The smartest person I ever met.
Well, I, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship at the Sorbonne, have become attracted to a six-foot-three-inch bubble-gum card.
I think I can help you with the sore buns, Diane, but .
.
the rest of what you say is all over my head.
Coach, I'm making a confession here.
Not just to you, but to myself.
Maybe I'll feel better after I say this.
I I got it.
You're hot for Sam's chilli.
I think Keats would have said it differently, but I'll accept that.
Look, if you like Sam at all, I don't understand what the problem is here.
Derek's making a commitment.
All I ever get from Sam is adolescent flirtation.
I'm not sticking around for that.
If he'd give me something, anything, I'd stay.
Diane, you don't understand Sam.
Sam's the kind of a guy, you know, he keeps his feelings to himself.
The more he cares about something, the less he shows it.
I've been with him through his divorce, his boozing, the end of his career.
And let me tell you, the tougher things got, the cooler he got.
It's a damn sure bet that if he's not expressing himself to you, he's nuts about you.
Or he couldn't care less.
Do you mind if I say something? Of course not, Norman.
Sometimes a man and a woman are so afraid of rejection that neither will take the first step of admitting their true feelings.
Norman, that's beautiful.
I do have a romantic side, Diane.
I know I make a lot of jokes about Vera, but the truth is if that woman ever packed her bags and left me, I don't know what I'd do first.
Well, I guess I have no choice but to force the issue.
Where's Sam? He's in the office, honey.
I'll tell him I'm going away with his brother.
If he's honest and doesn't hide behind that tough jock façade, I'll stay.
But if he does one of his gratuitous jokes, I'm leaving.
- I swear it.
- Wait a minute, Diane.
Hold on.
You're putting your whole future on the line in this one moment.
You're letting your whole life turn on this one response? - You're right.
- Can it wait till I go to the head? No.
I'll hear about it.
Coach, what did you do that for? That was our chance to get rid of her once and for all.
- Are you crazy? - Crazy, Carla? Crazy like a doorknob.
Hi, Diane.
Sam, your brother Derek has asked me to go to Europe with him, so I've come to say goodbye.
Dammit.
I didn't need to hear that.
What's wrong? It's too late to put a help-want ad in tomorrow's paper.
Goodbye, everyone.
I'm leaving now.
I'll miss you all very much.
Bye, Diane.
Bye-bye.
Sorry, honey, I'm not interviewing till Monday.
Get this straight.
I'm going away with him.
Good.
Have fun.
This could lead to marriage.
Probably will.
- Will lead to marriage.
- Great.
We'll be Diane and Derek Malone.
We'll buy a spread somewhere and call it the Double-D.
It'll make a nice brand.
Children.
We'll have blonde, blue-eyed children everywhere.
- Have them brush after every meal.
- I'll be your sister-in-law.
You'll come over for dinner and say, "She sets a good table.
" Had to say something.
You just fed me.
I'll send you Christmas cards.
"To a wonderful brother.
" Nice to be remembered on the holidays.
The cards will have pictures of us.
Derek and I, the kids, the dogs.
The blonde ones will be the kids? - This is alright with you? - If you're happy.
- I'm ecstatic.
Goodbye.
- See you at the wedding.
- Do I get to kiss the bride? - I think you know what you can kiss.
This is it, everyone.
I bid you a fond farewell.
I've enjoyed knowing you.
You've brought a lot to my life.
Bye.
- Goodbye, everyone.
- Bye.
- Farewell.
- Get the hell outta here.
Go.
I won't let it end this way.
I've had warts that went away quicker.
- What did I hit? - My nose.
You're supposed to knock.
You were coming out to say something to me.
What is it? - I wasn't gonna say anything.
- Yes, you were.
What was it? - Go to the airport.
- Say it.
No.
What are you doing with that? - Tell me what you were gonna say.
- Don't do that.
I hate that.
I hate that.
Please stop.
Would you just stop? Put that down.
- Please don't go.
- Ask me nice.
- Come on.
- I deserve that much.
Ask me nice.
Just put it down.
Put the blackboard down.
Put it down.
Please stay.
- Why should I? - Go on, get out.
I'm not sticking around in the hope something will happen between us.
- What is it you want from me? - For you to tell me what you want.
I'll tell you exactly what I want.
I want to know what you want.
You're doing it again.
Listen, will you just explain one thing to me? It is very important to me.
- Why aren't you with Derek? - Because I like you better.
Diane, listen.
All the jealousy I felt for my brother over the years is nothing to what I felt these last five minutes.
We're about ready to start something that might be great.
Yeah.
Maybe we should kiss or something.
We're not gonna just kiss.
We're about to start something.
A kiss is where you start, isn't it? You don't make an announcement when you kiss someone.
It wasn't an announcement.
I didn't want to catch you off guard.
On our first kiss, it's OK to be off guard.
You should be swept away.
I was.
Nobody's swept away when they say, "Maybe we should kiss.
" You're right.
When I do it, I won't say anything.
No.
This isn't right, either.
I didn't say anything.
I was swept away.
The moment's not right.
We're too aware of what we're doing.
You're right.
This whole thing is not going the way it should.
Maybe we should just forget about the kiss and hit the sack.
This is the dumbest conversation we have ever had, which means it's the dumbest conversation that's ever been.
Maybe this whole thing is just a mistake.
- What thing? - This thing we're trying to do.
Every time we try to get together, it goes wrong.
Just cos I'm a neat-looking guy and you're kinda hungry Hungry? No, listen.
What I mean by that is you've been here a long time.
If it was gonna happen, it would have happened by now.
It's silly of us to try to make it happen.
Fine.
You tell me this now that I've let Derek go.
Don't throw Derek in my face.
You never cared for Derek.
- You just used him to trap me.
- Trap you? I'm the best thing to happen to you and you're too stupid to realise it.
You're the worst thing that happened to me.
Before you came, I was happy.
You believe you were happier before you met me? Hell, yes.
How do you think it feels to be attracted to someone that makes you sick? I could write a book on the subject.
You can't shut up long enough to write a cheque.
You are trying to change the subject.
The subject is, you can't shut up long enough to kiss me.
To save your life, I bet you couldn't shut up for 30 seconds.
- Make it ten.
- I most certainly could.
- Alright, let's see.
- You're going to time me? That's right.
I'm gonna time you.
Ten seconds starting now.
- This is the most - You want to try again? I wasn't really trying.
You want to see me do this? Fine.
Starting now.
- This is the craziest thing - Really good.
So I can't do it.
Silence is overrated anyway.
- At least I have something to say.
- I don't? The last conversation I had with Derek was about walking on the moors like Heathcliff and Catherine, and I threw it all away for this.
I'll tell you what you do.
Why don't you Get out of here.
Go on.
Take her with you.
Go on.
Get out.
- Don't push me.
- Why don't you just go find Derek? Fine.
Shouldn't be hard to find him.
Just follow the applause.
- Maybe I can still catch him.
- Fine.
While you're floating around, remember this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.
You are the most arrogant, self-centred - Shut up.
Shut your fat mouth.
- Make me.
Make you? My God, I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office.
Try it, and you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
Or should I say funnier? I always wanted to pop you one.
Maybe this is my lucky day.
- You disgust me.
I hate you.
- Are you as turned on as I am? - More.
- Bet me.
- I'm gonna nibble on your ear.
- Don't tell me.