Everybody Hates Chris s01e22 Episode Script

Everyone would agree that one of the most important days of the year is Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day! Oh, you guys didn't have to do this.
Everybody wants to show their mama how much they love them.
Even 2Pac wrote a song about his mother.
On Mother's Day, people pull out all the stops.
You take your mother to brunch We're out of food.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
If you could just come back next Sunday.
What-What do you mean you're out of food? Next Sunday? We're out of food, Mama.
What you want me to do? We take her to a great movie so she can wear a great big hat and you spend your last dime on her, just so she knows she's number one.
Oh, my God! Come on.
Oh, I can't believe you did this.
But when it comes to Father's Day, nobody gave a damn.
It's Father's Day, people.
Come on down to Pastures and Shores.
The food is half-price.
Buenas noches.
¿Como se dice "half-off"? The movies are terrible Turn it off! Turn it off! the gifts suck What the hell is this? It's a parking space, honey.
We got you a parking space.
Better park and be happy.
And the only song for fathers was this.
* Papa was a rolling stone, * * my son, yeah * This year, I wanted to get my father the perfect gift, and the only way to do that was to ask him what he wanted.
Dad, what present do you want for Father's Day? You want to get me something for Father's Day? You can help me knock off one of these bills.
Julius Okay.
Father's Day You know what? Y'all really want to get me something for Father's Day? - I know exactly what I want.
- What's that, baby? A day off.
You mean a day off from work? No.
A day off from everything and everybody.
No fighting, no shouting, no complaining, no fixing.
Just one day where I can do whatever I feel like doing.
I hope he doesn't want to leave us for a white girl.
Syncrho: Sixe So, wait, your dad says he doesn't want anything? Nope.
All he said was he wanted to be all alone.
You better watch out.
My mother said she wanted a day alone.
The next thing we knew, she left and moved to Poughkeepsie.
Well, I don't care what he says.
I'm gonna get him something.
My father said what he wanted.
My mother said what he was gonna get.
What kind of gift is a day off from your family? It's just one day.
Well, how is that supposed to make the kids feel? Women always used the kids against you.
It's Father's Day and you don't want to be a father.
I did not say that.
They're trying to honor you, and all you got to say is, "Leave me the hell alone.
" I did not say, "Leave me the hell alone.
" You may as well have.
I haven't had a day to myself in 13 years.
If I didn't want to be a father, I That look means if you want to keep beg a father you better keep your mouth shut.
It is supposed to be our day to do something special for you.
That's what I'm trying to say.
It's Father's Day.
Why can't I do what the hell I want to do? Huh? Say what? Uh you got the key? Well, what you gonna do here all day by yourself anyway? Nothing.
Well, can the kids at least get you a real gift? What? What's that? Every Father's Day card and present I've gotten for the past four years.
Look at this.
A box of S-Curl.
I got you that.
A macaroni cigar box.
- That's so cute.
- I got four ties-- a neck tie, a bow tie, bolo tie I got him that.
and a clip-on tie.
I don't even wear ties.
I don't go nowhere.
That's $28.
46 we could have used on something else.
Well, it's the thought that counts.
I appreciate it, I really do, but if you buy me presents, I'm just gonna have to work to pay it off.
At this rate, I'll be working when I'm dead.
Julius, you're dead.
What are you doing here? Trying to pay off these presents.
Listen, can I work the graveyard shift? Fine.
Okay, then.
Have your little stinky day off.
But on your birthday I will promise you this.
You will be getting a cake, and you will like it.
I know.
You better jump back and kiss yourself.
And, uh, put up the groceries.
Before your day off.
Does he have any hobbies? Is taking naps a hobby? No.
So, what are you getting your dad for Father's Day? I don't know if "getting" is the right word.
It's more like "doing.
" Okay, so what are you doing for your dad? Well, first, I'm making his favorite breakfast-- Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
I tried to imagine doing the things that Greg talked about with my father.
Like bringing him Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
Are you crazy? Boy, you better bring me some bacon.
I thought about taking my dad to the zoo to see some penguins.
We paid $3.
50 to see a bird that can't fly? What you gonna show me next, rats that don't eat cheese? I even imagined us shooting off bottle rockets in front of the house.
Run, boy, run! I wonder if Greg's dad ever got shot at.
Have you decided what you're gonna do? I can't do any of the stuff that you talked about.
I only have $27.
That's not bad.
If I were you, I'd try and figure out what he needs and just give him that.
I wonder if it would ruin our friendship if I smacked his eyebrows off? What you looking for, Chris? I'm trying to find my father something for Father's Day.
Father's Day.
My daddy liked guns, liquor and women.
I guess he liked jail, too.
What does your daddy like to do? That's the tough part.
All he does is sleep and work.
I know what that's like.
But I got just the thing.
A Swiss LCD quartz calculator alarm watch.
Well, he has an alarm clock at home.
What's he need one in his watch for? You never know.
Thank goodness for this watch.
I never thought of that.
It's got a calculator, too.
He can figure out how much anything costs.
If it came with a side of bacon, that would have been the best gift in history.
How much does it cost? $24.
95.
He just made that up.
I'll take it.
Mama, how come Daddy doesn't want to be with us on Father's Day? Oh, baby, it's not that your daddy doesn't want to be with us, it's just that he works hard all the time and he just wants to have a little time to be by himself.
Man, that's cool.
I can't wait until I'm a father so I can have this whole house to myself.
You are not gonna be a father in this house, because I ain't taking care of no babies.
Lost your mind.
Well, can we still get him a present? Sure, baby.
What'd you have in mind? These.
See, I took daddy's old slippers and put macaroni on them.
Oh, baby, that's nice.
I'm gonna help you wrap them later.
Can you help me wrap mine, too? I'm making dad cologne.
Oh, where did you learn how to make cologne? I saw it in the back of a magazine.
All I need is oil, something to give it a little smell and, uh, alcohol.
Then just leave it in a jar for a week.
Mama, since Daddy wants to be by himself, what are we gonna do? We are gonna have some fun.
Chris! Time to eat! Hey, Dad, what's all that stuff? It's a bunch of stuff guys on my route got me for Father's Day.
Oh, look at this.
It's an LCD quartz calculator alarm watch.
It's the best gift I ever got.
Maybe I could glue some macaroni to his shoes.
Happy Father's Day! Happy Father's Day, baby.
We love you.
I love y'all, too.
Yeah.
Hey, y'all have fun today, okay? Daddy, aren't you gonna read your card? Ooh, yeah.
Let's see here.
"To the Best Dad in the Whole World.
" That's so sweet.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, y'all enjoy y'all selves today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.
Dad, we made your favorite thing for breakfast.
And I brought your gout pills, so now you can eat all you want without worrying.
Man, bacon, eggs with cheese, biscuits and butter.
I feel like I died and went to heaven.
- Thank you, baby.
- Oh, ain't nothing, baby.
- They did it all.
- When y'all leaving, huh? All right, in a minute.
And you're welcome.
And baby, make sure you take those pills, okay? All right.
You guys go get ready so we can go.
Hurry up, now.
Hurry up.
Faster.
- Isn't that sweet? - There you go.
We have the best kids in the world.
- Oh, yeah.
- They're so sweet.
They are.
That look means, "Ain't you supposed to be leaving?" You better hurry up.
I mean You're gonna be late for your, uh, the, um Uh, the Uh, what y'all doing? We're going to the museum.
And to see the movie Trading Places.
- Oh, that should be funny.
- Right.
Right.
So, you better hurry up, all right? Okay, Julius, we're leaving.
All right, well, I'll be home in time for dinner, okay? Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too, baby.
You have a good day.
All right.
Oh, I will.
Get on out of here.
Happy Father's Day! - Hey, enjoy yourself.
- I will.
For my father to have one day where he could do whatever he felt like doing was like finding a million dollars.
He slept on the couch.
He slept in the bed.
He slept on the dining room table and dreamt his favorite dreams.
He watched bowling.
Yeah! Yes! He watched baseball.
- Here's the pitch.
And - Yeah! He watched golf.
It's on it way, and it's in.
He even did stuff we didn't know he did, like painting.
And singing his favorite songs.
I didn't say he knew all the words.
While my father was doing things he wouldn't do while we were around, we were doing things we wouldn't do while he was around.
Okay, y'all stay where I can see you.
All right, now, Chris, you sure about this? Mr.
Harris gave me my money back on the watch, so I wanted to go shopping and see if I can find Dad something that he'll like.
Okay.
But gift or no gift, if you're not home by 6:30, I'm calling the police.
My mother always told us if we weren't home on time, she was calling the police.
Here.
What's this? Oh, it's just money I was gonna use to buy a gift for your dad.
Thanks.
You're welcome, baby.
Be careful.
The only thing tougher than finding a gift for the man that has everything is finding one for the man that wants nothing.
The only time my father wore a suit was at funerals, graduations, and on laundry day.
The closest my father got to jewelry was listening to Neil Diamond.
I hope it lasts as long as the payments.
I wasn't sure if he would feed the rabbit, or use the rabbit to feed us.
And let's just say he wasn't the leg warmer type.
While I was trying to figure out what to get my father, my mother was trying to figure out what she had gotten herself into.
What is that? Well, honey, that's art.
You sure? Looks like somebody got shot and fell in a bucket of mustard.
Be quiet, boy.
This is culture.
How much more culture do we have to get? Girl, just look at the picture.
I wish Dad was here.
Maybe he could explain this.
- Hey, Risky? - Hold up, little man.
I had looked for a gift everywhere I could, so I decided to look somewhere I shouldn't look.
So, what kind of stuff do you have for Father's Day? Father's Day? That ain't a big one for me.
You know there ain't none but four fathers in the neighborhood.
Now, Mother's Day-- I had a whole bunch of stuff.
Man, how much you got to spend? $37.
$37? What you do, knock over a liquor store? I saved up.
Man, you keep saving up like that, you'll be rich in a minute.
Maybe then I can buy one of those pink sweaters, like him.
Your old man like music? Who's that? We got John Travolta, William Shatner.
Liberace.
That's for fathers that were too old for Elton John.
No, thanks.
What else you got? How about these for your mom? - For Father's Day? - Yeah.
For him to give to her.
No.
I'm sorry I can't help you out, young blood, but, hey, you come back Mother's Day-- I'll hook you up.
Listen, why don't you watch this for a few minutes? I'm gonna run across the street, pay my light bill.
- All right? - Sure.
Tell your daddy to call me and happy Father's Day.
Back at home, my father still had the house to himself Rochelle? Chris? whether he liked it or not.
And if you order now, you'll get a set of microwavable In the city that never sleeps.
Psychic Station TV Network This proud father goose is no exception.
He graciously watches over and protects his chicks, assuring their safety until they are old enough to fend for themselves.
In the wild, babies are almost never abandoned, and rarely left alone for any extended period of time.
A great man once said, "Nothing screams louder than the sound of silence.
" I think it was Nipsy Russell.
Thank you.
Enjoy your show.
Hi.
Um, can I have one adult, two children for Trading Places, please? You must think I'm a fool.
You want me to believe he's under 12? Yeah, she does.
- Hey! - Dad! What are you doing here, baby? I missed you guys.
Father's Day without your family-- it's like not being a father.
That look means, "That's what I was trying to tell yo' stupid ass!" Come here.
- Where's Chris? - Oh, he went to buy you a gift.
- But I told - Julius, please, just promise me you will act like it's the best gift you've ever gotten, okay? I promise.
All right.
All right.
That'll be two kids, two adults for, uh, Trading Places.
- What's this? - Father's Day special-- two for one.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
I made these for you.
I know you said, don't get you a gift, but I wanted to give you something just in case you changed your mind.
Oh! Macaroni-covered slippers! It goes with the macaroni-covered cigar box I got last year.
I know.
Hey, Dad, I got something for you, too.
Oh, what's this? A bottle of iodine? No, no, no, it's cologne.
I made it myself.
I just couldn't find a bottle to put it in, so I poured the iodine out and put it in there.
Boy, that iodine cost 99 That smells good.
Thank you, Drew.
Oh, man, thank you so much.
You know I was about to call the police, right? Hey, Chris, where you been? I was trying to find you a gift for Father's Day.
Well, I'm sure whatever you got, it's-it's fine.
That's the thing-- I looked all over, but I couldn't find you anything that I thought you would like.
Doesn't matter, Chris.
I mean, it's the thought that counts.
So, did you find something? Not really.
It's more of, I did something for you.
What? What is it? It's a receipt.
He paid the electric bill.
Oh, baby, that is so When I asked you if I could get you anything for Father's Day, you said I could help you knock out a bill.
That was the only one I could afford.
Thanks, son.
My father never really cared much about presents, but giving him a reason to smile was the best thing I could ever do for him.
This is the best gift I ever got.
I'll remember this forever.
Happy Father's Day.
I'm proud of you, Chris.
Becoming more of a man every day.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, I was thinking, it might be a good idea if you get a job and start paying a bill every month.