Frasier s01e22 Episode Script

Here you go, Doc Your usual.
How lovely it is to have a usual.
- What is this? - Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
That's my brother's usual.
I'm the double Kona with cream.
Oh, Frasier - am I glad to see you.
- Your usual, Doc? - Please.
Thank you.
Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today.
A problem? I'm meeting my publisher here.
Remember my book deal you envied? I wasn't jealous, Niles.
Well, the deal's about to be killed.
My idea had already been done.
I need to find an alternative today and I've got bubkis - less than bubkis.
I've got what bubkis keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket.
- Can you ask for an extension? - No, I've had two already.
Oh, God, there he is.
Sam, so good to see you.
- Niles.
- Sam Tanaka, Dr Frasier Crane.
Nice to meet you.
- Coffee? - I'll have what he's having.
So you shall.
One more, please.
- Wait, you're the doctor from the radio.
- Guilty as charged.
- I listen to your show all the time.
- Oh, thank you.
I never realized you two were brothers.
All our lives! You must have incredible insight into sibling relationships.
No more than your average psychiatrist brothers.
(Laughs) So, Niles, what's your idea? (Sobs and clears throat) My idea - well, Sam, I've given it a lot of thought - There may be a book in that.
- In what? Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling relationships.
That, Sam, is exactly the idea we were going to pitch to you! - What?! - Terrific! I hate to interrupt Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date so I can take you two out to celebrate.
Oh, well, we were going to write today, but OK.
What are you doing? I don't wanna write a book.
I'm outta here.
Frasier, I know it's asking a big favour, All my life I have dreamed of one thing - the day I could go into a library and see my name under "mental illness".
The day I could finally feel what you feel - that I'm somebody, not just one more dusty little psychiatrist.
Oh, Niles We haven't collaborated since the spring musicale in prep school.
Yes, well, it was well received.
It did get us out of gym class.
- It could be like that again.
- I don't know, Niles.
# Um-ta, um-ta, um-ta, da-da-da-da # Oh, some boys go to college But we think they're all wussies # Cos they get all the knowledge And we get all the Um-ta, um-ta # - All right, I'll do it! - Yes! (Doorbell) - Dumas frére! - Dumas frére! - Hello, what are you doing over here? - It's our first writing session.
- I thought that was at Niles's house.
- Unfortunately, it's Maris's turn to host her sherry-tasting group and things get a little raucous.
- But the Sonics are on in 20 minutes.
- I bought you these headphones.
You'll be able to listen to the TV without disturbing Niles and me.
How's Eddie gonna hear? He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.
Try them out there.
(Shouts) Hey, not bad! - Very clever solution.
- It also has another little feature.
Watch this.
Hey, Dad Nice shirt (!) Did they throw that in the last time you had your tyres rotated (?) Tell us about when you met Eisenhower.
We haven't heard that story this hour (!) OK.
My turn.
Hey, Dad Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.
This is great, thanks a lot.
Watch out for this for me, Eddie.
I got to get a snack.
Who wants a beer? Just you.
This is no time to procrastinate.
OK, here we go.
Chapter one, page one, paragraph one.
(Key clicks) I'm indenting! I hate to squash your enthusiasm, but shouldn't we discuss what the book is going to be about? Forgive me for just barrelling ahead, but damn it, I'm jazzed! We have to approach this book from a completely different angle than all of our previous writing - our dissertations, our theses.
Right.
This has to be interesting.
The obvious approach is case histories.
Anecdotes about siblings we've dealt with in our practice.
If we throw in a few heaving bosoms we'll make Book of the Month Club.
I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys.
That's an interesting idea.
We'll use ourselves in the introduction.
I like the introduction idea.
Give us your best story - the one with little Niles and little Frasier at their conflicted best.
When we went trout fishing, you guys were at it tooth and nail.
- This is good.
- What's the lake called? The name is immaterial.
It's an Indian word, Lake Watchahatchee? - You're missing the point.
- Your mother knew but she's dead.
Watchakootchie? Coochawatchie? It was an Indian word.
- It meant "land of a thousand" - Dad This is driving me nuts.
I have to look it up.
- We just want the story.
- Where the hell did I put my atlas? - Quite a resource, isn't he (?) - We'll just put the introduction on hold.
Back to case histories.
I suppose I could get my files out of storage after the Niles, is there a light bulb over my head? - You have an idea? - No, is there actually a light bulb (?) Of course I have an idea! What better source than my show? I'll ask listeners to call in with stories of sibling conflict and you can be my guest.
You're suggesting we exploit your listeners for our own gain? In essence, yes.
- What do you think? - It's borderline sleazy.
Go for it.
Hello, Roz.
- What's your brother doing here? - He's going to be my guest.
I don't think so.
I am the producer, and I approve the guests.
I do not approve him.
- OK, bye-bye, have a good show.
- OK, he's approved.
But I will not get him coffee and I'm not taking any of his crapola.
Niles, welcome aboard.
Five seconds to air.
OK, Niles - sit down, take a deep breath, try not to spit on the mike.
Right.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I have a very special guest today, my brother, the eminent psychiatrist Dr Niles Crane.
Hello, emerald city! What's doin', what's happenin'? What do you think you're doing? That was my radio persona.
Every great radio personality has one.
- I don't.
- My point exactly.
Just try to be yourself.
Our topic today is siblings - what makes you love them, hate them What things do they do to annoy you? These could be things from your childhood or adolescence, - your young adulthood - or They could be things that are going on right now! - Roz, who's our first caller? - Donald from Bainbridge Island.
He hasn't spoken to his brother in 20 years.
- Hello, Donald, I'm listening.
We're listening.
(Woman) 'I'll never forget it.
I cried for two hours straight.
' So you were completely bald? 'Yes, the perm destroyed my hair.
' 'I was sure my sisters were gonna laugh at me but they all kissed me.
'Then they shaved their heads too, so I wouldn't feel like a freak.
' Amazing! Well, there you have it, Seattle - the miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head-shaving.
Time's up.
I'd like to thank my brother for being here today.
Niles, I would shave my head for you.
A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I'll be back tomorrow - one Crane flying solo.
Frasier, we've hit the mother lode.
We've material here for two volumes.
I apologize for criticizing your radio programme.
All water under the Pont Neuf.
I hate to break this up but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.
- Hello, Sam, you're on speakerphone.
- 'I caught the show today, fellows.
' You did? And? 'Magic! (Laughs) - 'How's the writing coming? ' - Flowing like water.
We've got two or three chapters already.
'That's good because I just got off the phone with "Reader's Digest".
'They're interested in the serialization rights.
'I need first few chapters to give them a taste.
Can you fax them? ' Well, Sam, uh, of course we could, but they're a little rough.
'No problem.
You've got till Friday to polish them up.
'You can do that, right? ' - Absolutely.
- Friday's fine.
'Terrific! I love you guys! ' What are we gonna do? We just have to put the material together.
- It's due on Friday.
- Then we'll do it by FRIDAY! Wait.
George and Ira Gershwin would lock themselves in a hotel room and not come out until their task was complete.
Brilliant! After this volume we can write another chorus to "Bess, You Is My Woman Now".
It's clean, it's Spartan, totally devoid of charm.
- It's perfect.
Let's get to work.
- I'm with you, mon frére.
We cannot be intimidated by the tyranny of the blank page.
All we need to get a good start here - is room service! - Frasier! All right.
All we need is a good opening sentence - something that will smack the reader right between the eyes and take him on a roller coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
Frasier, while you're mixing metaphors, I've had a breakthrough.
Voilá! Our opening sentence "From Romulus and Remus to the Lennon sisters, "sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate worldwide.
" - Hmm Interesting.
- You like it? I said it was interesting.
The question is whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good one.
- Just because you didn't think of it.
- I never liked Romulus or Remus, and the "Lennon sisters" reference is from the freaking moon.
If you can do better, be my guest.
- I will.
- All right.
My fingers are poised over the keys.
I'm waiting.
I'm still waiting.
Oh, all right.
Put this down.
"The key to a good sibling relationship "is the ability to be open and honest.
" - That actually sounded good to me.
- Well, put that in there.
"The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest "while still respecting each other's boundaries.
" What are you doing? What was that crap about boundaries? I was just finishing the thought.
The thought was finished.
It didn't need finishing.
- I think it's better this way.
- I don't.
- I'm at the keyboard.
- Let me type.
- I need the keyboard.
- You ruined a good opening sentence! - It was an incomplete thought.
- Oh, YOU'RE an incomplete thought! - What happened to the iced tea? - I finished that, too.
(Sighs) Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
Oh, wonderful - we could use a second sentence (!) No, it's not for the book.
I just realized why so many writers become bloated, alcoholic suicides.
No, don't type that in.
I'm not.
I'm adding up our tab from the mini-bar.
- We now owe $232.
- Oh, dear God! Well, you ate the jar of Macadamia nuts.
No, it's dawn! It's Friday! Admit it.
We can't work together.
There's never gonna be any book.
- Not with that attitude.
- Oh, get off it! The fat lady has sung.
The curtain has been rung down.
I'll type it for you.
"It's oover"? Let's go home.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so easily.
It's not your dream.
Why should it be, Mr Big-shot Radio Host? Oh, is that what this tantrum is about? You're jealous of my celebrity? It's not a tantrum and I'm not jealous.
I'm just FED UP! Fed up with always being second.
I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but you were older.
You got married first.
You had a child first.
By the time I get around to doing anything it's all chewed meat! - It's something we can't change.
- Oh, you love it! - Oh, let it go, Niles.
- My nose is rubbed in it every day.
I'm on the board of the Psychiatric Association.
Four of my patients have been elected to political office.
But it's your big, fat face they put on the side of buses! I do not have a FAT FACE! I keep wondering how long you're gonna store those nuts for winter.
Well, at least I'm not spindly! - Who're you calling spindly? - You! - Fat face! - Spindly! - You take that back! - You make me! I will! Here's making you! Here's your fat face! Give me that! Niles! Niles! Stop it! We're psychiatrists, not pugilists! I can't believe you fell for that! (Niles shouts) My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me! YOU STOLE MY MOMMY! Oh, my God, Niles! I got to get out of here.
This entire idea has been a fiasco.
I should have never agreed.
Goodbye! - Good morning, all.
- Morning.
- You seem chipper.
- And why shouldn't I be? Well, it's gonna rain, the jobless rate's up, and Eddie was just licking that muffin.
DOORBELL I'll get it.
A mature man knows he cannot control his circumstances, - only his response.
- You talked to your brother yet? I do not have a brother! I'm an only child.
Oh, hello, Dr Crane.
Hello, Daphne Dad.
What are you doing here? Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.
What makes you think I know where he is? He owes me half this hotel bill.
I will accept no cheques.
I know he has trouble writing things (!) - I'm not paying any of this.
- So, you're cheap and stupid.
- And you're a no-talent hack! - And you look stupid in a T-shirt! All right, that's enough.
Sit down and listen to me.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I never had a brother, but I had a partner once - Mitch Gossett.
Big bear of a guy, arms like tree trunks.
We'd go to ball games.
We played cards, and this was after working all day together.
- That's nice, but - Just listen to me.
Three months into our partnership, Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout - three days in the front of a Chevy Nova, drinking too much coffee.
Pretty soon we started getting on each other's nerves.
Because he was a big, egotistical fat face? Because we were human.
He didn't like this about me, I didn't like that about him.
It got ugly.
When the stakeout ended, Goss requested a transfer, and that was fine by me.
Three months later, he was stabbed breaking up a bar fight.
By the time I got to the hospital, it was too late.
Take what you want from this story, boys.
All I know is, it ain't worth it.
Excuse me.
I think I need a hanky.
Frasier, isn't there something you want to say to your brother? Yes, Dad, I suppose there is.
Niles, would you like a muffin? - Frasier! - Oh, all right.
Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book.
You have no reason to feel inferior to me.
You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man, and you stand second to no one.
Thank you, Frasier.
The truth is, I've always looked up to you and admired you.
Enough of this mushy, girly stuff.
Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder and be done with it.
- Oh, what the heck! - Oh, jeez! (Sniffs) - What are you crying about? - I keep thinking about poor Goss.
It must be so hard on you carrying all that pain around.
There was no Goss.
I made him up.
Well, at least there's one good writer in this family.
# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy! # And, maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again Good night, everybody! #