Roseanne s01e22 Episode Script

okay, we bet $50,000.
- rOSEANNE: i call.
- it's not your turn, mom.
i know, but it's my house.
we gonna play poker, or shoot the breeze? - shoot the breeze.
- dAN: okay.
the portchester game, last game of my senior year.
- we're down by a touchdown with one minute to go.
- let's play poker.
- now we gotta shoot the breeze.
i get to tell this story.
- dad, we know this story.
- this time i'm telling it from the referee's point of view.
- i got a pair.
- so do i.
yeah, but roseanne's are showing.
you guys think we don't get your corny little sex jokes.
hey, you kids are our corny little sex jokes.
geez, it's the fuzz! hide the cards and the jif! darlene, i think it's high time we taught d.
j.
how to play 52-card pickup.
ta-da! dad, what are you doing here? i came to see my sweet little kapushka.
- al! - hey, daddy! dad! oh, my gosh! - is everything okay? - fine, fine.
where's grandma? - here she is now.
- hello! mom! - mom, hi.
- aww.
what are you guys doing in lanford? well, we got up this morning and i said to your mother, "what do you wanna do?" and as usual she had no opinion, so i said, "let's go for a little ride.
" two hundred and fifty miles isn't a little drive.
especially when you have a woman sitting next to you who whenever you pass a car says, "i wonder where they're going.
" boy, she's got problems.
ma, why didn't you call? i did, but your line was busy.
then i tried your sister.
i couldn't get a hold of her.
i thought maybe something was wrong, but of course, if there were, god knows, she would never tell me.
my apartment was getting fumigated, mom, so- fumigated for what? - we need milk- - milk.
- we need eggs.
- eggs.
bullets.
come on, dan, let's just try to get through this.
rOSEANNE: what are you doing up? i can't sleep.
grandpa's in the bathroom making those gagging noises.
ew.
how long's he been in there? at least a half an hour.
well, he's probably got it all up by now.
why don't you go back to bed.
mom, he's really driving me crazy.
if he says "pull my finger" one more time- well, now you know where i get my smart, sophisticated wit.
i can't believe that man raised you.
now you know why i was so crazy to marry you so young.
i thought it was because you were madly in love.
yeah, with the idea of getting out of my house.
is there a place in here to sit down? yeah, why don't you try one of these things we call "chairs"? we sit in 'em frequently.
what kind of list is he making? not that it's any of my business.
a hit list.
he's just gonna go out to the store and pick up a few things.
please don't get anything special for me.
i'll eat whatever you have, but your father's diet is low sodium, low fat, and high fiber.
so why don't we just get him some wood, you know? and then he can put mustard on it and, you know, that'd be a good treat.
mustard's high in fat.
a lot of people don't know that.
a lot of people don't care.
i do, but doggone it, i gotta go.
- he's not working, is he? - he's working.
well, i'm glad, because your father worries, especially about your sister.
he doesn't have to worry.
well, somebody has to.
she's 32, she's unmarried.
heaven forbid that she turns out to be like your aunt dale, who teaches p.
e.
speaking of aunt dale, how is uncle shirley? also, your father is concerned because your sister lives in a building that needs to be fumigated.
but i am her mother.
it is not my job to tell her what to do.
oh, i get it.
but it is your job to tell me to tell her what to do.
yes, i'm sure petunias are perennials.
jackie, mom was just talking about you.
now you get to listen while she talks about me.
so, are we gonna talk about roseanne? certainly not.
it's just that your father is worried about her.
she seems so tired all the time.
mama you've been here a grand total of one hour.
how do you know how tired she is? a mother knows.
granted, it is a different generation, but your father would have died before he made me go out to work.
dan doesn't make roseanne work.
that's what she tells you.
but you've never been married.
you don't know these things.
what'd you find out about me? you're very tired.
hey, ma, is two blankets enough? two's fine, if that's all you have.
no, i have more.
how many would you like? what did your father say? he says he's gonna be sleeping out in the driveway naked.
how many blankets do you want, ma? if you have two, two's fine.
i am this close to the edge, and if i go over, i'm taking you with me.
she does have a way about her, doesn't she? if she wants to rag on your life, why doesn't she just tell you? i'm getting so sick of these behind-the-back conversations.
you mean, like the one we're having about mom right now? - yeah.
- yeah.
i mean, why should i have to defend the guys you go out with? you shouldn't.
and i'm tired of explaining to her why your house is so filthy all the time.
yeah, that's my business.
yeah, she just doesn't let up.
well, she's gonna let up, because i'm gonna lay into her.
well, i'm gonna lay into her too.
that woman's not qualified to judge anybody's life.
- where is she? - mom?! enough is enough already.
we gotta do this.
absolutely.
i found this under your sister's sofa.
mom, why are you giving it to me? it's her potato chips, it's her sofa, it's her house.
if you don't like the way that roseanne keeps house, then you talk to roseanne about it, you don't talk to me.
and if you don't like the way that i run my life, then you talk to me about it, you don't talk to roseanne.
we're- we're sick and tired of the way that you manipulate us.
is that so, roseanne? yeah, right? well, maybe "manipulate" is kind of a harsh word to use here.
i just think what jackie means, what she's trying to say is that we wish that you would just try to deal with us in a more direct manner, you know, if you want to.
no, that's not what jackie's trying to say.
what jackie's trying to say- where the hell were you five minutes ago? i'll get some sheets, mom.
you really should turn your mattress more often.
- where are you guys gonna sleep? - anywhere's okay with me.
hey, i don't sleep anywhere.
well, these cots are pretty nice.
oh, i'm sure mom and dad don't wanna sleep on any cots.
what did we do last time? last time? i've completely blocked it out of my mind.
you guys don't mind sleeping on cots, do you? i can sleep anywhere.
why don't you and dad just take me and dan's bed, and we'll sleep out here on the cots? honey, i can't sleep on these things.
last time darlene and i slept downstairs on the cots, and grandma and grandpa slept up in our room.
i want to sleep on the sleeping bags.
no, that's not what we did last year.
i'm very particular about where i sleep.
what does that mean? i'll tell you something about me.
i'll never sleep in a communist country.
i'll visit one during the day, but i'll never sleep in one at night.
well, god bless america.
- can i sleep in your sleeping bag? - rOSEANNE: no, go.
how about what i said? - what did you say? - forget what she said.
please, let's not fuss about this.
dad and i can sleep anywhere.
darlene and i slept on the cots, and grandma and grandpa had our room.
these cots still smell from when we found the dead pigeon in it.
- darlene.
- jACKIE: okay.
d.
j.
and i must have both slept on the floor, mom and dad had d.
j.
's bed- but that couldn't have been, because d.
j.
's bed's too small and they would have been uncomfortable.
jackie, you were not even here.
temper, temper.
then how come i can remember it? because you have total recall of all things imaginary! girls, girls.
let's be ladies, shall we? can we come to some sort of conclusion here? okay, you want a conclusion? i'll give you a conclusion.
okay, jackie, you go sleep in d.
j.
's bed, d.
j.
, sleep in a sleeping bag! girls, girls, girls, let's just be little ladies and go up and sleep in your own bed.
- mom and dad, you take me and dan's room.
- wait a minute.
and i'm gonna sleep here on the cot, and so is mr.
flexible.
hopefully we won't have all this confusion once your father and i have our own place right here in lanford.
sleep tight, everyone.
nighty night.
dan, are you sleeping? like a baby.
the fact that it's 4:30 in the morning and i have a spring in my pancreas isn't keeping me awake the least little bit.
if my parents move to lanford, i am gonna be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life, because i'm gonna be in prison for blowing 'em away.
honey, honey, be realistic.
you don't know how to use a gun.
i'll do it.
seriously, dan, what are we gonna do? well, i'd say "let's sleep on it," but who can sleep?! you know, if you knew how to stand up to your parents, we wouldn't be lying here right now.
what is that supposed to mean? and i'm warning you, that fireplace poker's within reach.
baby, let's not get into this right now.
because it's not my warped, psychotic, neurotic parents that are laying in my bed.
- i'm gonna go sit on the porch.
- dAN: honey, honey.
honey, let's not do this to each other.
come on, baby, i'm sorry.
i'm just angry 'cause i haven't slept.
we got a couple hours left till daylight.
let's just try to salvage some sleep.
mOM: al? - al? - right here.
oh.
you two go back to sleep.
i'm just gonna make your father breakfast.
he always gets up at 4:30.
why? i don't know.
go back to sleep.
feel like making love? don't get up.
i just want to know where you keep your citrus fruit.
i think there's some strawberry pop-tarts in the fridge.
your father needs to have a piece of citrus fruit.
i think there's an orange under the dryer.
go back to sleep.
dan shouldn't sleep on his left side.
it's bad for the heart.
so's a rusty spike.
this is nuts.
this is nuts.
i got a new job to start today.
i've gotta go to work too, you know.
well, why don't you go in there and tell ma and pa kettle to shut up? what are you doing up so early? you know, this is the best room in your house.
yeah, 'cause mom and dad aren't in it.
this is our only sanctuary from them.
well, don't count on it.
she'll figure out some way to get in here.
and then you can stand up to here again like you did before.
i said to your grandmother, "beverly"- i call her beverly because that's her name.
i said, "beverly, this year i'm gonna pay more attention to my stable and horses.
" you don't have any horses, grandpa.
'cause i don't have a stable.
- pull my finger, kid.
- don't.
i'm sorry.
what were you saying? oh, i'm finished.
are you guys getting ready for school? yeah, and we're really excited about it.
that's great.
they're really doing great in school.
al was always very concerned with the children's education.
he was some father.
what is it you always used to say? you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em think.
you used to say that? and you stopped saying that? he used to say that, and he doesn't say it anymore.
he used to say, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em think.
" and he doesn't say it anymore.
i haven't slept.
i swear we're only sane today because we kept each other that way.
i know, we protected each other from mr.
and mrs.
total insanity.
yeah, like that time that you were in the eighth grade and you were dating that 40-year-old guy.
- aah! - he was not 40.
oh, he was the only guy at your freshman dance that was wearing a toupee.
i told mom he was your tutor.
and i taught him more than he taught me.
well, that's the way it goes.
the bottom line is that mom and dad are just so out there.
well, you know, it's not all their fault.
we should show 'em a little compassion.
well, here we go again, checking your backbone at the door.
well, fine.
you blame your whole life- oh, roseanne, you turn into a little robot every time mom and dad come around.
you turn into little rosie two-shoes, and i'm sick of it.
hey, people who live in cockroach-infested apartments should not throw stones.
- i can't even talk to you! - oh, shut up! you always have to get your own way.
it has to be my way when you're standing here in my bathroom at 7:30 in the morning after my parents came over to my house and decimate my whole family.
now they're your parents, fine.
if you want 'em, fine, you have 'em! gee, you tell me when it's their anniversary, - and you let 'em stay at your house next time they come - fine, good.
and decimate your whole family, of which you don't even have, because you can't concentrate on nothing long enough than it takes to chug a beer! and don't give me that wounded little jackie look either, because that only works on guys named mike who drive el caminos.
very dramatic, roseanne.
oh, so now you're not gonna talk to me.
god, would i love to throw a hammer through a plate glass window.
don't wait for a response, dan.
her majesty's not speaking to anybody today.
- jackie, who even asked you? - hey, i'm a part of this family too.
yeah, when your hamper's full or your car needs working on.
i've been a member of this family longer than you have! boy, that's something to be proud of! you know, i saw a whole thing about this on oprah, and that's just what we are too.
we're just like that.
we are a dysfunctional family! thanks, gramps.
bye, gram.
- aL: bye, becky.
- bEVERLY: bye, dear.
grandpa said he'd buy me a horse next year.
yeah, well, grandpa's saddle's on too tight.
what are you doing? i'm making breakfast for my kids.
i already made them breakfast.
go to school then.
- bye.
- aL: bye, kids.
yeah, she made 'em breakfast.
cereal and chocolate chip cookies.
your father gave them the cookies.
whether they eat 'em now or in the afternoon, what's the difference? you want to know the difference? i'll tell you what the difference is.
the difference is, you show up at my door unannounced, uninvited.
you just drive everybody and work 'em up into a frenzy until we're ready to kill each other! what are you talking about? we're having a nice breakfast.
i'm talking about, if you guys are gonna move here to lanford, you have got to move onto the whole other side of this town, because i am not gonna be able to take this for the rest of my life.
who's moving to lanford? you guys are.
you said so last night.
oh, we're never gonna move into lanford.
we were just thinking, we were just talking.
why do you take everything so seriously? so you're not moving? no.
in fact, we've got to get going.
we're on our way to see cousin sydney in beauford.
he had gum surgery.
i'm gonna buy him some rock candy.
well, it's a shame you couldn't stay longer.
dan, do you really mean that? hey, if you don't think you guys leaving is gonna affect everybody, you're crazy.
al, did you hear that? yeah, i'd give him a big kiss - oh.
- if i liked boys.
oh, mom, i'm really gonna miss you.
me too.
big hug.
this has been a great visit.
oh, this has been a wonderful visit.
aL: let me do it again.
and the sick thing is that i kind of miss 'em.
i kind of don't.
dan? what-ee? pull my finger.
aah! dAN: here's the deal.
i'll get the checkbook out, but i gotta watch.
- hey, what a surprise.
- i was gunna do the line.
well, i'm not working, so i thought i'd come over and get some lines.
i'm gonna get out of here.
how nice.
that was fun.