The Golden Girls (1985) s01e22 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" We're out of pepperoni! I'm starving, and we're out of pepperoni! I'm sorry, Sophia.
Would you like some celery stuffed with cottage cheese? I can't eat cottage cheese.
It repeats on me.
Hello, hello.
Hi, Blanche.
How are you, sweet Mother? - We're out of pepperoni! - Did you call Dan Rather? - I'm starving.
- I defrosted some chicken.
- We'll eat in half an hour.
- I can't eat chicken.
It repeats on me.
Ma, you don't have to make excuses.
If you don't want chicken, - just say "I don't want chicken.
" - I don't want chicken.
- Good.
- It repeats on me.
I want pepperoni.
Blanche, Blanche, would you like some broiled chicken? Oh, no, thank you.
I'm having a raw vegetable plate.
You probably haven't noticed, but I've put on three pounds.
On each side.
I used to have a waist just like Scarlett O'Hara.
Well, you know that girl had an 18-inch waistline.
Blanche, that girl and her waistline were fiction.
It's terrible, just terrible.
I am so upset! Rose, Rose.
Honey, sit down.
Sweetheart, tell us all about it.
Ma, would you get Rose some water? What is she gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, "Thank God, the water's here!" Call me when dinner is ready.
I'm fine, don't worry about me.
It's all those other people.
Was there some kind of accident? No, don't tell me, if I get upset I'll eat! - What happened, Rose? - They closed the center.
- Not your Grief Counseling Center? - No, the Kennedy Space Center.
She wanted to be the first Lutheran on the moon.
- Rose, you're out of a job! - Well, I can't worry about that now.
Well, sure you can, honey.
I'll help you - food, clothing, shelter.
Oh come on, it's not that serious.
Yes, it could be.
Rose, you and I are in the same boat.
If we miss a couple of paychecks, we are in big trouble.
Thank God I had the foresight to marry money.
Tramp! Dorothy, my main concern is making sure those miserable people can find other sources of help.
Then I'll get a job.
I'm dependable, friendly, loyal, eager.
That's great.
If she learns to catch a Frisbee in her teeth, - she can get work as a golden retriever.
- Oh.
Hello.
Hello.
- I'm Dorothy.
- Milton.
- Oh, pleased to meet you, Milton.
- Likewise.
- I live here.
- Oh.
You don't.
- I live over on Dorado.
- Ah.
It's about a 20-minute walk but I usually take the bus.
Are you waiting for one now? No, I'm learning to get in touch with my emotions.
Tell me, will it take long? You know, you're reading my Newsweek.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, Dorothy, I see you met Milton.
Oh, yes.
We were just getting acquainted.
Dump him, Rose.
He's driftwood.
Oh, no, Dorothy.
Milton's from the center.
His partner ran off with his wife and all the money from the business.
Oh, Milton, I'm sorry.
Keep the Newsweek.
Here's the address of a private counseling service, In the meantime, my number's down there.
Now, don't hesitate to call anytime, day or night.
- Thanks again, Rose.
- Oh, you're welcome, Milton.
- You let me know how it works out.
- I certainly will.
- And no more tears.
- All right.
Bye.
He's such a royal pain in the butt but it's all part of my job.
You don't have a job, remember? I haven't forgotten, Dorothy.
I've just been too busy to start looking.
You haven't even started looking? Don't worry, will you? I will get a job.
There's always a job for people who aren't afraid of hard work.
That's what my father used to say.
He was talking about milking cows in Minnesota! - Here, phone messages.
- Oh, thank you, Sophia.
If you have to go out tomorrow, ask those crybabies not to call during The Young and the Restless.
Mr.
Viner's depressed.
Mrs.
Gibson's despondent.
Mr.
Duvalier's been deported.
- Why, oh, why, can't grief take a holiday? - Oh, it does, Rose, it does.
Eventually, it comes to Miami like everyone else.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it! Barry Glick is in town.
Oh, I haven't seen him since high school.
Barry Glick! Ma, Ma, look, look - Barry Glick! Oh boy, did I have the hots for him! He says he wants to get together next week! - You're gonna see him? - See him? If he's within 50 pounds of where he used to be, I'm going to marry him! Oh, Barry Glick.
Oh, and Mrs.
Montez found her cat.
I'll bet she's happy, too.
Not exactly.
She found it under a Jeep Wagoneer.
Rose! Rose! Rose, will you wake up? You have a call.
Is it time to milk the cows, Daddy? No, kitten.
You have a phone call.
What did you say, Dorothy? You have a phone call.
It's your friend, Milton.
No, I can't believe he's calling at this hour! Well, you told him to call day or night.
I didn't mean it.
It's an expression, like "Laugh and the world laughs with you.
" Well, the whole world doesn't really laugh.
That's because they're too busy calling here in the middle of the night.
Good night, Rose! I hate phone calls in the middle of the night.
Now I'll never get back to sleep.
I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo.
Boy, that's pretty jumpy.
- Well, didn't the phone scare you? - Well, of course it did.
One of those times I really miss having a man around.
They're so good at answering the phone in the middle of the night.
That's not all they're good at.
And when they're really good, you don't even hear the phone.
Ma, why are you sitting here in the dark? Why not? I've seen the living room before.
Look, look.
I've got to get some rest.
Tomorrow I am seeing Barry Glick for the first time in 35 years.
If I don't get at least six hours' sleep, I look like Buddy Ebsen! - Now that you mention it - Shut up, Blanche.
Oh, I know it.
You're right.
It's just terrible.
If I get up in the middle of the night, I eat.
Wait a minute, you know something? We're being selfish.
I mean, Rose's problem is more important than my date.
- Or my losing two pounds.
- Three pounds.
- She has to face reality.
- I am.
I already lost one pound! In your dreams.
I'm talking about Rose.
She has to find a job.
She's been out of work for over a week.
I am really sorry about this, girls.
It won't happen again.
- We can all go back to bed.
- No, wait.
Rose, sit down.
Move over, move over.
Now, listen.
We have something to talk to you about.
We are worried about you.
Now, maybe it's none of our business, but all that time that you spend with those pathetic wimps from the center, - you should spend looking for a job.
- But those wimps need me.
But Rose, honey, you have your own problems.
Look.
You are 55, unemployed, your husband is dead, and you have no training.
Let's face it, Rose.
You're not exactly Mary Lou Retton.
Honey, we know it's not easy, but you got to get out there and try.
I have tried.
I just haven't told you.
I've had dozens of job interviews since the center closed.
No one wants me.
I can't afford not to work.
I need something to do with my life.
I never think of myself as old, but everyone else does.
Maybe I am old - old and useless and terrified.
- (knock on door - Come in.
Oh, Rose.
Rose, honey, now why didn't you tell us what was going on? Because you can't help me find a job.
Because nobody or nothing can make me young again.
Oh, all right, Rose, so your life isn't the same as it used to be.
The rules have changed, but it's happened before, hasn't it? I mean, what did you do after Charlie died? Buried him.
I mean, what did you do the next day when you had to start putting your life together? I couldn't do it.
I'd been a housewife for 32 years.
I totally depended on Charlie.
But the point is, eventually you did what you had to do.
You took care of yourself.
Sweetheart, you're now in exactly the same position.
Not exactly.
I'm five years older and nobody wants me around.
Oh, honey, we want you around.
We just can't afford to pay you.
Rose, Rose, look at me.
Rose, listen.
You are feeling sorry for yourself.
Sure, you're five years older - so am I, so is Blanche.
All right, you have a few more wrinkles - so do I, so has Blanche.
All right, you're a little thicker around the middle - so is Blanche! Listen, we are not going to stand by and just let you give up.
We're gonna figure out what it is you're doing wrong on these interviews.
We're gonna fix it, and we're gonna try and get you some more appointments.
Appointments are the easy part.
I've got one tomorrow.
I'd kill for this job - hospital administrator - but I'll never get it.
- I'm not qualified.
I'm too old.
- What time is your appointment? - 8:30.
- All right, let me see your resume.
Come on, come on, come on.
OK, now, let's see.
Let's see.
Home ec major at Rockport Community College, six months at St.
Paul's Business School, laid off from your job at Grief Counseling.
Hobbies - cheese making stamp collecting, and Viking history? - Rose, this stinks.
- Well, it's the truth.
Honey, sometimes you have to stretch the truth.
Of course you do.
Now, let's see.
Graduated top of your class.
Intensive post-graduate study.
until you moved to Miami.
Currently seeking work in the private sector.
Voilà.
This is the resume of a potential hospital administrator.
Well, I don't know if I can pull it off, but I'm willing to try.
Oh, good.
Now we can get some sleep.
Oh, I can't fall asleep now.
Still at the rodeo, Blanche? I can't sleep, either.
Why don't I make us all some warm milk? After I drink milk, I go right to sleep.
I can think of something else after which I go right to sleep.
Huh, Dorothy? During.
- Girls, we can't drink plain milk.
- Why not? It's disgusting.
If we're gonna have milk, we need cookies.
Hell, if I'm gonna have cookies, I'm gonna have cheesecake.
- Is there cheesecake? - Chocolate cheesecake.
- You bought chocolate cheesecake? - Just for an emergency.
- What kind of emergency, nuclear war? - Depression.
Oh, you'll never guess what I found! Judge Crater.
Cookies and cream ice cream - my favorite.
Wait a minute.
We're eating dessert.
We can't start with dessert.
We better have something to begin with.
Sure.
You can have some lemon chicken and smoked ham.
It's all prepared.
- Oh, let's just start with appetizers.
- That's fine.
- How about smoked oysters? - Oh, good.
Ohh, you'll never guess what I found! - Jimmy Hoffa.
- Pepperoni! - Uh-oh.
- Don't tell Mom.
- That could be an appetizer.
- Well, this is good.
- This is all food that would have spoiled.
- Oh, boy.
I am so glad that my date with Barry is tomorrow.
- The fat won't have time to show.
- It won't? No.
It always takes a few days before it shows.
Where does it go in the meantime? To Connecticut! How do I know where it goes? With me, the minute it goes in my mouth, I balloon up.
I can go out to dinner, and in the middle of the meal, my pants are cutting off my circulation so bad, my feet are turning blue.
Well, I just want to be svelte for Barry.
Barry Glick is very important to you.
Barry was the man that I wanted to be the first.
First where? On Mars, Rose! My first lover.
- Well, so what happened? - Stanley - that's what happened.
Stanley.
I went to a drive-in with Stanley.
He said he was being shipped off to Korea and would probably die and it would mean so much.
That was my part of the war effort.
It took three seconds.
I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually until nine months later when the baby came.
Then I figured out that we had.
You know, that was my only proof.
I waited till my wedding night.
No! - Yes! - And? And, it was a surprise.
Well, how is that possible? Another man showed up? What I mean is I had never seen a man before.
A man? You know a man.
- No! - Yes! What about your father? You mean, you never saw your father? My father? Oh, no! My father? Oh, my goodness, no! I would have simply died! - Oh, you don't Oh, my God! - Easy, easy, easy, Rose.
- Calm down, calm down.
Easy! - All right! The only things I ever saw were the animals on the farm - you know, the bulls and the horses.
Tough act to follow.
Actually, that first night I was kind of, well appalled, I guess.
But Charlie was very patient.
It was really very nice, once I understood that that's what you were supposed to do that it wasn't some colossal joke, you know? I mean, didn't you think it was a ridiculous thing to do the first time? No! Well, I certainly didn't wait for my wedding night, honey.
I couldn't.
I had these urges.
You know, in the South, we mature faster.
I think it's the heat.
I think it's the gin.
Anyhow, my first was Billy.
Oh, I remember it so well, just like it was yesterday.
That night under the dogwood trees, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy or Bobby.
Yeah, Bobby.
Yeah, it was Bobby or was it Ben? Oh, who knows? Anyway, it started with a "B.
" That first time did you have? Are you serious? Why, many times that first time - many, many times! - You did? - You didn't? No! Oh, it was nice - being near Charlie was nice - but it was five years before I knew what made your eyes go back in your head.
Dorothy, did you have? How could I? I mean, it always seemed to happen before I was in the room.
- Look what we've eaten! - Oh, and I can't sleep on a full stomach.
Look at what time it is.
Would you like some coffee? Sure.
How 'bout some Danish? It's almost breakfast.
- Hey, want some eggs? - Sure! - Do we have any bacon? - Yeah.
- Scramble me a couple, but - Scramble soft! (overlapping chatter You're a wonderful woman, Blanche.
No offense to Rose, but I'm glad she wasn't here when I dropped by today.
Why Milton, what a sweet thing to say.
That must be why I date more than she does.
And I meant what I said about that diet of yours.
Men of our generation like a little meat on their women.
Maybe you don't want to pinch an inch, but I do.
Ooh, ooh, Milton! - See you tonight at 7:00.
- Tonight at 7:00, then.
Good afternoon.
I thought he belonged to the other one.
Well, I'm sure Rose won't mind one bit.
He's a man.
It's not like sharing a yogurt.
- Hello, hello, hello! - Hi, Dorothy.
- Honey, did Barry call? - Not that I know of.
- We're supposed to go out again.
- Sounds like lunch went well.
Oh, we had such fun.
You know, Barry is exactly as I remembered.
Come on, now.
After 35 years, there must have been some surprises.
A few.
You know, his hair's a little thinner, he's put on a little weight.
But is he still your fantasy lover, or has the fantasy become a reality? Well, not exactly.
You see, Barry Glick is gay.
I knew he was gay.
I could tell by the way he used to worship Buster Crabbe.
- Oh, honey, are you just devastated? - Oh, hey, what the hell? If I can't have him, at least I know no other woman can have him, either.
- Hi, girls! - Oh, hi there! Hey, are we to assume from your cheerful demeanor that we are talking to a new hospital administrator? Not even close! Oh, what did you do, take an anti-depressant? Oh, don't be silly.
But I was depressed - incredibly depressed.
I didn't know which way to turn or where to go, so I stopped in at the coffee shop at the Fountain Rock for a root beer float to make me feel better.
They make the most terrific root beer float.
They have that old fashioned root beer Now look, Rose, get off the float.
Just get to the point.
Well, after I drank it, I started to get sad again, and then I saw the answer right in front of me.
- What, what? - A "Help Wanted" sign.
- Oh? - And, and? I am a waitress at the Fountain Rock Coffee Shop! minimum wage and tips, and a 60% employee discount on day-old Danish.
A coffee shop? - Day-old Danish.
- Yeah! serving chili to a bunch of grubby truckers? Oh, come on, Blanche.
I mean, she's working at the Fountain Rock.
It's not Mel's Diner.
I mean, the worst that can happen is she'll get scratched by a pinkie ring.
But 12 hours on your feet waiting tables? Honey, that is gritty, grimy, grueling work! But it's work! It beats the hell out of feeling sorry for myself, and it'll be a lot nicer to fall asleep from being tired than crying.
Of course it will.
Oh, Rose, honey.
Rose, I am so happy for you.
Well, heck, if you're happy, then I'm happy, too.
Oh, thank you for seeing me through this.
- I wanted to ask you about Milton.
- Yes.
That is strictly a professional relationship? Oh, absolutely! Oh, there couldn't be anything between Milton and me.
He has this thing about only dating fat women.