The King of Queens s01e22 Episode Script

Douglas, if you have a moment, I've written a letter, and I'd like your thoughts.
I almost went to white castle.
Yeah.
"Dear Sir or Madam, "recently I purchased a tube of your so-called soothing ointment "to combat a particularly stubborn rash "that I contracted through no fault of my own.
"Upon using said product, not only did I fail to find relief "but the area is now completely inflamed "and periodically erupting: "See photo A.
"To remove all uncertainty from the matter, "I conducted a controlled experiment "using an acquaintance of mine named Bernard: See photo B.
"Bernard is the scrawny fellow on the left.
"Please review this material and advise me posthaste.
Sincerely, A.
Spooner.
" What do you think? It's delightful.
Thank you.
You can keep those photos.
I have better angles.
Ah, what the hell.
Ah, nothing quite like changing out of your work clothes and throwing on a comfy old pair of sweats.
Doug, you wear shorts to work, and you unbutton them in the truck.
Actually, I've been asked not to do that.
So, uh, how was your day? It was ok.
Oh, they have me wearing one of those headsets now to talk on the phone.
Ooh, I like those.
Think they'll let you take it home so we could, uh, you know? What? Talk on the phone without using our hands? No, fool around.
I could pretend you're Janet Jackson, or A time-life operator.
And would you still be you? Hey, that hurts.
Hello.
Oh, hey, there.
Uh, ok.
Sure.
Fine.
Yeah, we'll be here.
Ok, bye.
Who was that? The sackskys from next door.
They have something important to tell us.
They're on their way over.
What? No! They're so annoying! Why did you say they could come over? What am I gonna say? You make something up.
We're sleeping, we're eating, we're dead.
I don't know, you think on your feet, for God's sake.
I'm sorry.
He said, "how you doin', champ?" And I got thrown.
What do they want? You--you didn't run over anything they own, did you? No.
Oh, wait a second, do they have a cat? No.
Did you run over a cat? I don't think it was, no.
All right, look, Doug, I do not want to get involved with these people.
So no matter what they suggest, we say no.
Got it? Fine.
So, what's our excuse? Um, I have a cold.
You? What if they want to do something with me? Excuse me, I thought of it, ok? I get the cold.
I'm nasal anyway.
Go, go.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, there.
How you doing? Oh, I'm sorry.
I got a cold.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Have a seat.
So, what's up? Well, we have some news.
This is kind of hard to say, and it'll probably be hard to hear.
Tim and I are separating.
Now, it's no one's fault.
We just have some issues that can't be resolved.
And we just wanted to tell the people closest to us.
Oh, us.
Right.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
Sorry.
We'll both be staying in the house until we can sell it, which could be a while.
Tim seems to have bought on the high end of the market.
Yes, I did.
I did that.
Well This is a lot to take in all at once.
Uh, if it's ok, I think Doug and I need to be alone with this right now.
A-a-absolutely.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh, there is one more thing.
You see, we actually have a time-share out in the Hamptons for the 3rd week in June.
Oh, here's a brochure.
Yeah, it's all paid for, but obviously we won't be using it, so we'd love to give it away to friends.
Well, you know, that all sounds very nice, but unfortunately, we gotta throw you a no.
You know, I'm-- I'm actually having exploratory surgery that week.
We really would have loved for you to stay in the cottage.
Yeah.
Well, can't do it.
Cannot do it.
Right, hon'? Hmm? Oh, right.
Right, right, right.
Hey.
Hey, it's 8:30, where you been? I stopped at the drugstore and then swung by the, uh, Hamptons.
The Hamptons? Yeah, where the sackskys have their time-share.
Doug, it is a nice house, it's blue, with a deck, and those cape-coddy shutters.
So, what are you saying, you actually wanna do this now? It's in this cute little town called quogue.
Quo-gue.
Come on, honey, let's do this.
You went on and on the other night about how we shouldn't get involved with these people.
Doug, we are not getting involved with these people.
We'll be at their house, and they'll still be here.
Did you work that out on the car ride home? Come on, let's spend a week at the beach.
I don't want to.
Why not? Carrie, I'm gigantic and I'm fair-skinned, all right? The beach is not the best spot for me.
Doug, I want a vacation.
We never have any money to go anywhere nice.
Oh, ok.
I guess hershey, Pennsylvania, is not nice.
A whole town that smells like chocolate.
Whatever.
But, Doug, they're offering this to us for free.
It's like we won this.
Come on, come on, come on, come on-- aah, all right.
Yes! Thank you, honey.
All right, call.
Why do I have to call 'em? Because they like you.
You're the nice one.
Here, I will dial it for you.
Oh, great! Thanks.
'Cause when you make a phone call, the dialing, that's the hard part.
Hello? Uh, hi, Tim, it's Doug heffernan.
Hey, Doug, hey.
How's the weather over there? What did he say? What did he say? C-c-could you hang on a second? He said, "how's the weather over there?" What does that mean? Do you want to do this? Ok, go.
What's up, Doug? Uh, it's just that Carrie and I would, uh, love to take that time-share if she's still floating around.
What happened to your surgery? Huh? Oh, I--I--I don't need it.
Uh, the coin worked its way out.
Well--well, great, then the place is yours.
Just happy we can keep it in the family.
Well, great.
Thanks a lot, Tim.
Hey, you know what? I'll bring the key and the parking permit over right now, then maybe we can, you know, hang out and watch a game.
You wanna watch a game? Uh, just hang on a second, ok? Huh? Hmm-mm-mm-mm? He wants to drop the key off, and then he wants to watch a game with me.
So, watch! They're offering us their time-share, for God's sake.
Don't be rude.
Uh, sure, Tim.
On my way.
, great.
Thank you.
I love you.
Yeah, get off.
Look at this.
Will you look at this? Hot damn, this is livin'! Whoo! Ok, let's get the whole game thing going.
What do you say, huh? Huh, yeah.
Oh, by the way, here's your, uh, parking permit.
Oh.
Ok.
You know, I couldn't find the key, but Dorothy will bring it by tomorrow, and I brought us some Dutch beers.
You like a dark lager, do you? Oh, anything with alcohol would be perfect.
I hear you.
Oh, boy.
Ah Click.
Yeah.
Ah! You like racquetball, Doug? Um, maybe.
Do you? What do you like? You like, uh, a nice jog, a hike, skeet shooting? What's your thing? Actually, I'm--I'm between things right now.
Ah.
Yeah.
Hey, mind if I flip around? Oh, yeah.
Single life is gonna be good.
I can come over here anytime I want without the wifey breathing down my neck.
Whoa Boy, those Olsen twins are growing up fast, aren't they? Hey, hi! You owe me big.
Tim is very unpleasant.
You did good, babe.
I said you owe me big.
There you go.
Oy! Hi, Carrie.
Dorothy, hi.
I didn't mean to bother you, hon', I just wanted to drop by some time-share stuff.
Oh, that is so sweet, thanks.
Oh, there are some local menus.
Ooh, crab shack, yummy.
Emergency numbers, oh, and directions to the house.
The place can be impossible to find.
Tell me about it.
What? Huh? Oh, anyway, um, I guess you're all set.
Yes, we are.
So, is there a key or-- oh, it's in our safe-deposit box at the bank.
I'll swing by tomorrow.
There's some stuff I have to sneak out of there anyway.
So Yeah.
Once again, uh, thank you so much for letting us use your house.
Oh, don't be silly.
I'm just glad the place won't be sitting there empty.
Well, I'm just heading out to the gym, so Is everything all right? Tim is out on a date.
What? Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-- I'm sorry, Carrie.
I'm sorry for dropping all this on you.
It's just that, I don't know, I just feel such a connection with you.
D-ditto.
A-ah.
You're not even trying.
I told you I didn't even want to do this.
Come on.
Open your mouth wider.
Let's go.
The problem is your teeth are too big.
W-w-what if I swallow one? That's a classy problem.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, honey, come on.
Try it.
Open your mouth.
Try to catch one.
Ok.
That's mine now.
What's the matter? My new best friend Dorothy is in there driving me crazy.
Oh, too bad.
I guess that's the price you pay for falling in love with the word, "quogue.
" Shut up.
Hey, Richie, would you do me a huge favor? I told Dorothy that I would bring her a beer.
Would you bring this in to her and be a little nice to her, huh? I'm busy.
Richie, come on.
She-- she's depressed and very needy right now, and I'm late for the gym.
Just--just bring this in to her, flatter her, boost her ego, please.
I don't wanna.
You want me to take this one? Um Would a simple "no, thank you" have killed you? Hi.
Hi.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
I'm Dorothy sacksky.
Richie iannucci.
So, um, you have very nice Hair.
Thank you.
Carrie! Carrie! Hey, um, what are you, throwing curlers? Is Doug in there? Ah, no, he's still out skeet shooting with Tim.
You gotta talk to your friend Richie.
About? Well, I invited him over last night to check my smoke alarms, and let's just say a lot more happened.
We made love.
Eeh.
Anyway, he gave me his phone number and I just tried calling him.
Does he live in a bakery? You know what? I think he might.
Oh, my God, you don't think he was just using me as a one-night stand? No, no, that doesn't sound like Richie.
Oh, you gotta talk to him.
You gotta talk to him.
Tell him I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said I love you so soon.
Oh, please tell him, Carrie.
Dorothy, just calm down.
I will go talk to him.
Tell him-- tell him I can change.
Tell him I can be whatever he wants me to be.
Whatever he wants you to be.
Yeah.
Got it.
Thank you.
Oh, Dorothy, any luck with that key yet? I can't think about that right now.
All I said was flatter her.
I did.
I was very complimentary throughout.
I'm glad you think this is funny.
What were you thinking? I didn't mean to do it.
I was just up on a ladder checking her smoke alarms, and bam, it happened.
What? Carrie, what are you yelling at him for? It's your fault.
You're the one that sent him in there with beer.
I did not tell him to have sex with her.
What do you expect? You put a snake in a cage with a mouse and beer, you have to expect that they'll have sex.
Look, you don't have to worry about it 'cause I'm not gonna see her again.
Oh, but that's where you're wrong, my friend.
You're gonna keep seeing her for, I don't know, at least a month.
A month? A month's a long time, honey.
Doug, he had sex with her.
The only decent thing to do after you've had sex with somebody is to keep seeing them.
But not a month.
All right, 3 weeks.
That way, Dorothy won't feel like she was a one-night stand.
In fact, she'll probably be sick of him by then.
I don't see why you even care so much.
I care.
She's my neighbor, my friend, she's a human being, and she hasn't given me the key to her beach house yet.
Ah, so that's what this is all about.
You just want to get to use their beach house.
What, you just figured that out now? You haven't noticed that I--I've been skeet shooting a lot more than usual? Oh, come on, you guys.
Help me out.
I've been working very hard this year.
I want a tan.
Doug, tell him to do this.
What's in it for me? Richie, go do it.
But, moose-- do it! Man, this Dorothy is wearing me out.
At least she finally got the top step of her ladder carpeted.
Hmm, fate is a funny animal, isn't it? If it had been me who brought her the beer that night, I'd be the exhausted lover right now, instead of the lonely, bitter man-child.
Hey, hey, hey, Doug! Uh, yeah.
Yeah, Tim.
Hey, hey, uh, so--so what are you doing, you watching a game? Yeah, sure.
Come on over.
Moose, what the hell are you doing? Relax.
He doesn't know you're the guy.
I'm wearing his shirt.
Oh, the plot thickens.
Why are you wearing his shirt? 'Cause Dorothy chewed the buttons off of mine last night.
See, those could have been my but-- oh, forget it.
Try--try not to let him see it, that's all.
All right, all right.
If he notices, just tell him I went to swatchmore, too.
Hey.
Hey, Tim.
Oh, so, uh, is this your posse? I actually like to refer to them as my peeps, but yes.
Hiya, Tim sacksky.
Hi, Spence olchin.
Ooh, strong handshake there.
You in sales? Yep, subway tokens.
Uh, Tim sacksky, how are you? Fine.
He's gotta get to know you first.
So, what have we got here, a, uh, sports game? Uh, basketball playoffs, yeah.
Oh, hey, all right! Oh, this is great.
Oh, it feels so good just to hang with the boys, you know, have a brewsky, take my mind off the fact that my wife is screwing someone else! Uh, haven't you been seeing someone, Tim? No.
No, I--I only made that up to get her jealous.
No, I just go to the multiplex and watch all those movies with the teenagers in them.
You should see she's all that.
It's kind of a modern-day pygmalion story.
She is obviously only doing this to get back at me.
You know what? She doesn't even like sex.
The fact is, the woman is incapable of having an orgasm.
I mean, she has so many hang-ups.
I mean, there are certain things that a man needs which she flat-out won't do.
Oh, God, I want her back.
I just-- I just want to hold her in my arms again and make love to her in the sand.
But now there's this other guy, and he probably loves her, and Oh, I'm sure that he doesn't.
Well, d-- hey, did you go to swarthmore? Uh, yeah.
What class? Thank you.
Hey, look.
Just finished shopping for the Hamptons.
Huh? And look! You! You are gonna look so hot with tan lines.
Yeah, well, before you get too excited, quoggie, I, uh, I got some news for you.
Tim wants to get back together with Dorothy.
What? How do you know that? 'Cause he just told me.
He w-wants to get back with her.
He wants to make love to her in the sand.
What? What sand? Not our sand? Honey, just prepare yourself.
They're gonna get back together, and they're gonna want their beach house.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I am not so sure they are getting back together.
I mean, Dorothy's with Richie now.
They're very happy.
I saw them biking.
Let it go.
Ok, she's only with him in the sick little world where you're the God.
Ok, how about this? How about this? I tell Dorothy that Richie is considering proposing marriage-- Carrie.
Meanwhile, the next time you go skeet shooting with Tim, you accidentally shoot him in the foot.
That way-- honey, honey, look at me.
It's over.
Here you go, hon'.
Thank you.
Careful up here.
This, uh, might be asbestos.
Hey, Arthur, you got a letter.
Oh, it's from those ointment people.
Let's see what those charlatans have to say.
"Dear Mr.
spooner, after examining the unused portion "of the ointment you returned, "we determined that what you were actually using on your rash "was our all-weather, high-grade, silicon window caulking.
Please discontinue use immediately.
" Well, that explains the big metal applicator.