Frasier s01e23 Episode Script

I'm sorry, Blake.
When I told you to close your eyes and imagine you're on an island, I didn't realise you were calling from your car phone.
(Blake) 'That's OK, Doc.
At least I know my airbags work.
' Well, I'm glad you're all right.
Thank you for your call.
Oh, look who's just popped into the booth.
It's Gil Chesterton, KACL's own food critic.
Which means it's my cue to hit the road.
So until tomorrow, this is Dr Frasier Crane wishing you a good day.
(Sneezes) And and good health.
- Hey, Frasier.
- Hello, Gil.
(English accent) I heard you coughing on the air.
Are you coming down with something? I got you this from Rosenthal's deli.
Chicken soup so lovingly prepared even the chicken gets well.
That's very kind.
Of course, I'd never forget you, Roz.
Ladyfingers soaked in rum.
Much like her own.
(Frasier Coughs) I hope this isn't the start of that nasty flu that's going around.
If you want to take a couple of days off, I'll cover your time slot.
- No, thank you.
I'll be fine tomorrow.
- Okey-dokey.
But feel free to call me if you change your mind.
Mmm Plump, gooey and guaranteed to rot your teeth.
Yes.
I don't like his phoney British accent much, either.
You sure got a bug up your mike about Gil.
Nobody's that nice unless they want something.
- He's just generous.
- He was generous to Bonnie Weems.
He bought her wine asking for her time slot while she was on vacation.
Then she was banished to the midnight-to-4am-slot.
- He's after our time slot? - We should watch our backs.
Working from midnight to 4:00 am would ruin your social life.
Those are your peak hours.
- You're just paranoid.
- No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
The man just brought you chicken soup.
He'd be bribing the higher-ups.
They make the decisions.
Oh, Frasier.
Oh, good, it's still here.
I'm so sorry.
This is your soup.
This is the lobster Newburg I bought for the station manager's cat.
I'll see you tomorrow, Roz.
This is gruesome! A partly decomposed body just washed up in Puget Sound.
- That's good news.
- Pardon? Bodies don't rise till the weather gets warmer.
You get your first floater, and spring's just around the corner.
(With a blocked nose) Morning.
- You sound awful! - It's just a little bug.
But you can't go to work.
You're all pasty and clammy and pale.
And coming from an English person, that's bad.
You often said, "If you can walk, you can work.
" Took an ironic twist the day you got shot in the hip.
At least I had a real job.
Half your listeners hear voices already or talk to themselves.
If you don't show up, who's going to notice? I'm out of here.
But you really should stay home and let me tend to you.
I'm a good nurse.
I mended my brothers' soccer injuries.
- I didn't play soccer.
- Neither did my hooligan brothers.
They got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen.
(Sneezes) That'll look pretty against the glass in your booth.
- Why don't you just stay home? - Thank you, but I am a physician.
I am the best monitor of my condition.
I'm fine.
Fit as a fiddle.
(Doorbell) I'm sick! We're back with "Restaurant Beat".
I'm Gil Chesterton filling in for Dr Crane.
We're talking to Louis.
He's forgotten tonight is his tenth anniversary.
Louis, I believe I've saved your proverbial derriére.
I managed to secure you a private booth at Maximilian's.
Promise me for dessert, you'll have the Schwarzwaldkirschtorte.
- (Louis) 'The what? ' - Schwarzwaldkirsch Well, maybe you'd better stick with the rainbow sherbet.
- 'Thank you! You saved my marriage.
' - Don't thank me.
I'm only here because our dear Dr Crane is home with the flu.
(Gil) 'Lf you're listening, Doc, 'all of us at KACL want you to get better soon.
' I bet you do.
Time to check if the turkey's done.
Dad, you needn't sit with me all day.
Oh, no problem.
You need company when you're sick.
You never know when you'll croak.
Oh, boy, your temperature is up there.
Thanks for reminding me.
The sickest I ever was was when they shipped us back from Korea.
I got an oriental parasite.
It was building its own pagoda in my colon.
Thank you, Dad! You know, you might try some of my homeopathic tea.
It'll flush out your system and make your hair more manageable.
- No, thanks.
- No! That wasn't the sickest I was.
It was when your mother and I went to Mexico.
I was real careful about the water, but I ate some lettuce.
Next thing you know, I'm spewing both for accuracy and distance.
I spent the night curled up on the floor screaming, "I want to die!" Wouldn't that have been a tragedy? You wouldn't be here now.
OK, I get the point.
I'll give you a little peace and quiet here.
Oh, no! One time, your mother left the potato salad in the trunk of the car.
I'm still sick from that.
- Do you need anything else? - Some more ginger ale, please.
- Very well.
- Oh, Daphne, make it shaved ice, not cubes, OK? And I don't like those straws.
Can I have the bendy kind? And the Saltines, they're too salty.
I need the low-sodium.
Your wish is my command.
Hello, Daphne.
Is he in pain? Not enough.
Frasier, I brought you something.
Niles! Put the hanky down, for God's sake! - It's not the plague! - All right.
This is from Marta, our maid.
It's a poultice to wear around your neck.
The recipe comes from her remote mountain village in Guatemala.
I can see why her village is remote.
Yes, it is pungent, but it helps many villagers live to be over 100.
Marta herself is 78.
You should see her scramble up the stairs when Maris rings! (Phone) - Oh, Niles, would you mind? - Of course.
Oh, hello, Eddie.
For once, I'm actually glad to see you.
Here you are.
It's for you.
It's Roz? - Hello? - (Roz) 'How do you feel? ' - Awful.
- I'm sorry to hear that because you should get back here.
You were right about Gil, Frasier.
He's lobbying for our slot.
Millie in traffic overheard Gil talking to the station manager, saying our mid-afternoon time slot is perfect for his show because then everyone is making dinner plans.
I knew it! Geez! OK, Roz, I'll be there tomorrow.
You better be.
I don't trust that greedy, finger-licking runt.
- How am I doing? - Fabulous.
OK, I'll be in tomorrow.
You can't be serious about going in tomorrow.
Your pupils are dilated.
You have a fever.
In that condition, you won't make it to the parking lot.
I just don't trust Gil Chesterton.
He's after my time slot.
Oh, Niles, will you stop it with the alcohol? I can't let that smarmy chowhound do my show for another day.
Anybody would be better.
Niles, would you do my show for me? That fever is making you delusional.
When you were sick, I met with your "Fear of Intimacy" group.
I wasn't sick.
They were just getting too close.
You're right.
It's a bad idea.
Doing my show requires abilities you don't possess.
You have to be able to size up your patients quickly and dispense advice in an entertaining and insightful manner.
This pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you.
- Then you won't do it? - No, I will.
And better than you ever dreamed of doing it! Here is the cough button in case you need to cough.
And use this extra-long commercial if you need a bathroom break.
Those won't be necessary.
I have no cough reflex and excellent bladder control.
It's true.
All the good ones are married.
You're on soon.
Your first caller is Marcia.
Marcia.
"Hello, Marcia, I'm listening.
" That's trite.
"Hello, Marcia.
Tell me where it hurts.
" No.
"Hello, Marcia, I hear you.
" - Good afternoon, Seattle.
- Oh, yes.
Hello! This is Dr Niles Crane filling in for my ailing brother, Frasier Crane.
Although I feel qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian, so there'll be no blaming mother today.
OK, Roz, who's my first caller? Marcia.
She's in love with her husband's brother.
This day promises not to disappoint.
Hello, Marcia, let's get better.
(Niles) 'Before we get deeper into your problem, 'why don't I give you a little historical background.
'The psychiatrist Sigmar Brom, that's B-r-o-m, no 'h', 'in the late 1950s, wrote extensively on the problem you're facing, 'which is amazing when you realise Brom was a prominent Reichian.
' He's terrible! And so are you.
Your temperature's up to 103.
Let it go up to 105.
I couldn't be better.
My time slot is safe.
Niles is as dry as this toast you brought me with the crust still on.
- When I go back, they'll send a limo.
- I'll get you another drink.
- Was that last straw bendy enough? - Perfect, thank you.
Oh, Daphne Daphne Take these tissues away.
I They hurt my nose.
I want the kind with moisturiser in between the sheets.
The rose petals in the humidifier are wilting.
Oh, of course.
Anything you like.
Fresh rose petals, crustless toast, soft tissues, acupuncture needles where you least expect them.
Howard, Lois, I could counsel you all afternoon, but we're coming to the end of our hour, so I'll make it short.
If one of you doesn't say "I love you" right now, you have no future together.
So which of you has the courage to say "I love you"? (Lois) 'Howard, I love you.
' Yes! Yes! Howard, she loves you! - What about you? - (Howard) 'Uh ' Howard, are you going to pack up your emotional tent and walk away? Howard? Howard, it's up to you! Can you say it? Can you? Come on, Howard! (Howard) 'I I love you, too, Lois! ' - Yes! - He said it! He said it! - Niles is pretty good.
- Good? The little rat is scintillating.
Why couldn't he do what's expected of him and stink? He's even better than Gil Chesterton.
They're trying to make me look bad! Oh, Jesus.
That high temperature is making you zooey.
No, no, it's made me clear-headed! I must get down to that station and reclaim what's rightfully mine.
There will be no more filling in by anybody! - No way, no how, no one! No - You're not going anywhere.
- Who's to stop me? - I am.
How will you, with a cane, stop a man in the prime of his life? (Groans) And I wasn't even leaning on my cane.
- Come on, Daphne.
- He really is sick.
You want to talk sick? The tilt-a-whirl was right next to the Little Taste of India.
I was out sick this week and I'd like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to Gil Chesterton and to my brother Niles for doing such a great job of filling in for me.
I really appreciate it, guys.
Well, now that I'm back to normal and feeling great who's our first caller? We have Sonja from Auburn on line three.
Let's just hear what Sonja has to say.
(Shouts) Daphne! Daphne! - What is it this time? - I had a dream! I had a dream! They are plotting against me! Now, now.
We went over this already.
It's just your fever talking.
That's what you want me to think.
You're in league with Niles.
I know about the two of you! You pretend not to know, but you know.
- I must take my show back! - You barely function! Run down to the drugstore with these prescriptions.
This will have you high as a kite! - Only until I take a couple of these.
- I don't think you're in any Thank you, but the moment I give a fig about what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system.
Being a healthcare provider I try to be sympathetic towards my patients, but I have reached the end of my tether with you! You are by far the most ungrateful, disagreeable, self-centred, whiny fusspot I've had the misfortune of dealing with! I've had patients on their deathbeds who were more considerate and jolly! As far as I'm concerned, you can lay in those sweaty sheets till you're one giant bedsore! - Are you done? - Yes.
Then scurry on down to the drugstore.
Get those filled while I get dressed.
Oh, hello, Frasier! What a surprise to see you here today! It's no wonder.
I've taken some wonder drugs.
I feel wonderful! So, I'm going to go do my show now so ta-ta, pie man.
Thank you, Greta.
It's satisfying to change someone's life.
Look who's wandered into my booth.
My brother, Frasier.
Hello.
I've come to take the reins of my show, so scoot out of there.
This is a good time for a commercial.
This is Dr Niles Crane.
Let's get better.
You OK? Your eyes look a little glassy.
I'm fine.
The drugs I took have some minor slide effects.
Frasier, look at me.
Do you see trails when I do this? Whoa! Wasn't doing that before! You're not going on the air like this.
Stop it! St St You're going to go to bed, rest and get rid of this fever so you can be as good as new.
Let's get better.
All right? - All right? - All right.
OK.
Maybe you can help me find someone to drive me home.
That's the most sensible thing you've said so far.
(Roz shouts) Frasier! Frasier! Hello, Seattle, I'm back.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I promise I will never leave you again.
So, let's take our first caller.
Hello, I'm listening.
(Man) 'Hi, Dr Crane.
'Thanks for taking my call.
'I'm a bit nervous, OK? My name is Robert.
' And your name is? 'My name is Robert.
' I'm sorry, we've already had a Robert today.
Goodbye.
It's Roz.
Could you get Security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge, and he's gone insane.
- Who is this? - (Woman) 'I'm Janice.
' What's your problem? 'I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
' Boring! Hello, you're on the crane with Frasier Air.
(Woman) 'Hi, Dr Crane, this is Marjorie.
'I'm having a problem with my boss.
'He doesn't respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
' OK, Marjorie.
Well, let's see.
Let's do a little role-playing.
I'll be your boss, you be yourself.
Come in and talk to me in a forceful way, and tell me what you think.
- You may be surprised.
- 'Well, OK.
'Listen, Mr Ross, I've worked here 'for six years and I've never missed a day, 'but you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am.
That's not fair.
' Oh, well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness.
I wish the others spoke to me with an open mind.
You'll get that promotion.
- 'Hey, that was great! ' - Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn.
I'm Marjorie, you're the boss now.
(Frasier) Come on! These nice men will take you home.
I'm I'm doing my show.
I can't.
- I'm on the air.
- No.
You're on commercial.
Don't you worry your mucus-filled head.
Everything's under control.
- This is my show! - Hey, this is fun.
Make it go faster! Whee! - Five seconds, Niles! - All right.
This is Dr Niles Crane.
We haven't taken leave of our senses.
That bit of inspired lunacy was just a little docudrama Frasier and I put together on the dangers of overmedication.
Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope".
(Shouts) Daphne! Daphne! What? I had another dream.
I dreamt I went to the station all doped up and made a big fool of myself! They dragged me out of there like some lunatic.
Now, now.
That was just a dream.
You go back to sleep.
- You'll feel better in the morning.
- OK.
Ah Oh, Daphne Could I have a little lemonade? With lemons and a sprig of mint.
Anything you want.
- Why'd you tell him it was a dream? - No fun telling him the truth now.
I'll wait till tomorrow morning when he's good and lucid.
# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Oh, my! # And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Scrambled eggs all over my face What is a boy to do? # Frasier has left the building.