Home Improvement s01e23 Episode Script

- That's Greta Post.
- Greta Post? - Remember, from the female Tool Time? - Yes, I do, AI.
Well, I think she wants me to ask her out.
- How do you know that? - She sent this backstage.
It's got perfume on it, and she dotted all her I's with hearts.
It is serious, AI.
Well, go ask her out.
- I can't do that.
- Oh.
I'll ask her out for ya.
No, no.
No, Tim! No.
Oh, relax.
I was just gonna go say, "Greta, you melt Al's tool belt.
" Tim, please.
I'd like to do this at my own pace.
You don't have a pace.
You barely have a pulse.
- You guys ready? - Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, Binford Tools is proud to present Tool Time! Hi, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor.
Of course, this is AI "the Available Man" Borland.
Why don't you tell everybody what's on the program today? All right.
Today we'll be, uh we'll be showing you three easy steps in how to build patio furniture.
- AI, that will be on Friday's program.
- Today is Friday.
No, today is Thursday, the day that precedes Friday.
Thursday? Thursday He's right.
That's right- it's the day after Wednesday.
Oh, good golly.
Looks like Al's got a bit of that spring fever, huh? And spring is the time that a young man's fancy turns to love and outdoor lighting.
Yes, outdoor lighting can enhance the backyard in a variety of ways.
Example: This is the type of lighting you want in your backyard if you have a pool.
- Ooh! - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
This is the type of lighting you want if you have a patio.
Ahh! This is the lighting you want if you have a big monument.
Why don't we show the folks the variety of lighting they can use at home.
- Coming right up.
- With this variety of lighting, you and your family can romp through the backyard pulling shards of glass out of your bloody feet.
Cut.
Let's reset, and we'll take it from the top.
- Come on! Get ahold of yourself.
- I'm sorry.
I just I caught Greta's eye and I got flustered, but I'm fine now.
L-I'm blocking her out of my mind.
There - she's gone.
Get a broom.
Help me clean this up.
We'll start again.
- Hey, guys.
What are studying? - Exponents and square roots.
Ooh, math.
I was a whiz in math when I was in school.
Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not cool? - Dad? - Uh-huh.
Are you still diggin' through those boxes? - Tim, it's called spring cleaning.
- Jill, it's called "lug it away.
" You go through the box, you pull out stuff, you say, "Oh, doesn't this bring back fond memories?" Then you put it right back in the box and have me lug it away.
Well, here, you big lug.
Lug this.
What's the magic word? Oh, no, that's "thank you.
" "Please" is Aw, honey, doesn't this bring back fond memories? Look at this.
This is us together at that college spring dance.
God, look how long my hair was.
- God.
- Boy, was I ever a stud.
Yeah, I think the operative word there is "was.
" - I think I found your long hair.
- Ooh, my fall! Let me see that.
Don't touch it.
Look, it's moving all by Aah! Aah! Aah! Saved! - What is this stuff? - I don't know.
Ohh.
- What's this? - Nothing.
- Looks like a diary.
- It's just my diary from college.
There's nothing that would interest you in here.
Really? Hey, what about that steamy night in Saugatuck we spent, huh? There might be one short paragraph.
Bet it says something like, "Tonight, I saw paradise.
" "And it was a very small island.
" How about our first date? That's gotta be in there.
Read me that.
Well, I have to admit you swept me off my feet.
Oh, that strolling violinist the way you climbed up to the second-floor dorm room and just stuck that note on my window Whoa.
I didn't do that.
Yeah, you remember.
It was that same night that Oh.
Never mind.
Hi, guys.
What's so funny? Oh, nothing.
Just a naked baby picture of Brad.
Let me see that.
Which end is his face? It's hard to tell.
They both look like they're smiling.
- Where'd you guys get this? - In that box, with Mom's old stuff.
Mom's old stuff, huh? You didn't see a pink book in there, did you? Oh, you mean Mom's diary.
Yeah, it's under the pictures.
This is your Mom's personal stuff.
I don't want you going in here without asking.
- You hear me? - OK.
Never go in.
That's personal things of people's.
Stay out of their personal things.
You don't ever go in there.
- What are you doing? - Oh! Don't do that to me! - You were reading my diary! - I was not.
I didn't have enough time.
I'm gonna take this and put it some place safer.
I'll get it! - Hi, Al.
- Hi, Randy.
Hi, Al.
Come on in.
What's going on? I I just wanted to apologize to you, man to man, for screwing up on the show today.
Well, Al, I accept your apology, man to man.
Now hit the deck, give me 20, right now! I'm kidding.
Come on.
- Oh, hi, Al.
- Oh, hi, Jill.
I suppose Tim mentioned to you howl embarrassed myself today.
- No.
- You didn't? I embarrassed myself today in front of Greta Post.
- Greta Post - Yeah, you remember.
She was on the female Tool Time.
She wore a blue denim shirt on top of a soft-pink T-shirt and silver dangle earrings.
Blond hair, kind of shoulder-length, with a dimple on her left AI, it's not a police lineup.
I remember Greta Post.
She was adorable.
You should ask her out.
- Oh, I - He couldn't.
- No.
- Why not? - Well, she - She's somethin' special.
Yeah.
Ohh.
So you feel a little nervous? Yeah.
- You want some iced tea? - Oh, please.
Well, yeah, thanks.
It's just whenever I start to get serious about a girl, it always ends up she says, "Al, I really like you, but why can't we just be friends?" Oh.
That must hurt.
AI, you know what your problem is? You're too darn nice.
I'm just trying to be sensitve to their needs.
I hate hearing that.
Women always say they want a sensitve man.
But then they end up running off with a kick-boxer named Dolph.
Women like primitve, raw, wild men - a man with a sensuality of outdoors.
That kind of guy.
The only reason I married you is because you're so sensitive.
Now, what's that supposed to mean? AI, don't listen to him.
Listen to me.
Ask her out, take her some place to dinner where you feel comfortable and relaxed.
- Maybe I'll take her to my mother's house.
- No, Al.
Don't take her to Mom's house unless she's out of town.
I got an idea.
Why don't you bring her over here Saturday night? We're just gonna have a cookout.
Just the family.
- L wouldn't wanna be any trouble.
- A little late for that, isn't it, AI? Shut up, Tim.
It's no trouble.
You'll be relaxed, and that way she'll get to see the real AI.
A sad, lonely, broken man.
I'm kidding, buddy.
- Jeez.
Watch it.
- Uh, Greta's here.
- Great.
Go ask her out.
- I was thinking maybe after the show No, no, AI.
Go ask her now.
Tell her you don't wanna be just friends.
Buddy, listen to me.
Buck up.
Show some mettle, man.
Don't ask her out.
Go tell her you're going out.
Arr.
- Greta.
- Yes, AI? Let's go out.
- I'd like that.
- Good.
- Al! - Yeah? Well, when? Oh, uh, gee, l-I-l don't I don't know.
Well, whatever's convenient for you.
If you'd like to check your calendar, get back to me I'm happy to go out whenever you wanna go out.
- Whenever you wanna go out is fine - Greta.
Tomorrow night, barbeque, Taylor house.
-00.
That's perfect, AI.
Good goin', buddy.
AI! I'm free tonight! Well, gee, tonight's not good for me, but maybe AI, AI! Gather around, my sons.
What's up, Dad? Tonight, we put a carcass on the grill, oil up our bodies, put our Loincloths on and celebrate the first barbeque of the season.
And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane.
I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over.
- Which means we'll be cooking with what? - The fire department? Randy, Mark, get in here and clean up this mess! You guys are in trouble.
Nanner-nanner-nanner.
- Well, Tim, beautiful spring day.
- Mm-hmm.
How is the enchanting maiden Jill? - The enchanting maiden? - Just waxing poetic, Tim.
I can't help it.
It's springtime - love is in the air.
Mm.
Can you smell that? Does is smell like sausage? I'm talking about pollen wafting from stamen to stigma, looking to create new flowers.
Fly, little pollen, fly.
Create new life.
Pollenate and propagate.
Get down.
Ho-ho! Tim, I thought you said you were gonna help me! Ahh.
There's the enchanting maiden now.
- See ya, Wilson.
- Mm-hmm.
You bellowed, my maiden? Yeah.
AI and Greta are gonna be here in an hour and Would you put these boxes up in the garage for me? You bet.
Randy, give me a hand, will ya? - My diary's not in there.
- I'm not looking for your diary.
Yeah, I saw you not looking for it.
And you're not gonna find it because I hid it.
And if, by some chance, you do find it, swear to me that you will not touch it.
I swear on my son's head, I will not touch your diary.
And if I do, may he go bald.
Right, Dad.
So, looks like you lost that diary forever.
Really, hotshot? Take a look in the dryer.
- There's nothing there.
- Look in the lint trap.
Wow! How'd you know that? That's where she always hides stuff she doesn't want me to find.
- Here.
- No, no.
I promised I wouldn't touch it.
Whoa.
But that doesn't stop you from puttin' it out and accidentally opening it up.
Wait a second.
This could be worth something.
Oh.
I could tell Mom about this.
And I could duct-tape you to a ceiling fan and force-feed you liver.
How's "August 20th, 1974"? Now, don't you read that.
Back off.
Oh, you can read this one.
This is cute.
This is sweet.
"Today I met the man I'm gonna marry.
Dan Lyons"? Who the hell is Dan Lyons? Captain of the debate team.
I told you, never go into your mother's personal things! Ever! - Nice try, Tim.
- Ever! - You're in big trouble now, Dad.
- You're pathetic.
- And I'm upset.
- Oh.
- You were gonna marry Dan Lyons? - Oh, Tim.
It was a long time ago.
It was way, way, way before I fell in love with you.
- How "way"? - Way, way before you.
- Am I even in the book? - No way.
Of course you are.
You're just not looking in the right place.
It was April That's it.
Right there.
"Tonight I met the biggest - Jerk.
- "on campus.
" Tim Taylor.
" So, it was love at first sight, huh? Come on, Tim.
The first time I saw you, you were hanging from the roof of the girls' dorm, swinging through the air with panties on your head, going, "Send out the virgins to wax my loins!" Oh, yeah.
- Let me see it.
- Face it.
- That was the time we first fell in love.
- No, it was not.
Spring weekend was when we fell in love.
See here, look.
"Spring weekend was wonderful.
Friday I went to a movie with Tim," and Saturday we went to the spring dance.
"Tim spilled his boilermaker down the front of my dress.
- It wasn't my fault.
- "And he can't dance at all, "but he's a great kisser.
I know that Tim Taylor is definitely the guy I'm going to marry.
" - See? - "Him or Mitch Newton.
" You know, that dress looks very pretty.
The color goes great with your skin tone.
Well, thank you.
Gee.
, I'm not used to getting all these compliments in a house full of boys.
I'm sure Bradley compliments you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bradley is the one exception.
Where is he? He said he was gonna change his shirt and wash up for dinner.
Jennifer, you must come to this house more often.
Well the men are ready.
Clean, preened, ready to fill our spleens.
Let's eat! - Jennifer, you wanna go outside? - Sure.
- Something I said? - Dad What's with the kid? AI and Greta, those two wild lovebirds, oughta be here any minute.
- Oh, I hope it all goes well tonight.
- I think it's gonna go great.
I had a little pep talk with AI on the phone.
- Oh, God.
What did you tell him? - Mm.
I told him to go easy on that Mr.
Nice Guy stuff, and if she says, "You're so sensitive," he should stand up for himself and show her he's got some hair on his chest.
Oh, Tim.
- Oh.
- Love is about to blossom.
Come in, come in, come in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Where's AI? - I don't know.
- Well, um come on in.
- Sit down.
- Didn't you guys come together? Yeah.
But I got out and he just drove off.
Well, Greta, what happened? Well we were on our way over here and we were having a nice talk.
I told him he was a very sensitive man.
Oh, no! Then he ripped open his shirt and said, "Hey, I've got hair on my chest.
" I started laughing because I thought he was joking.
Then his face turned red and he asked me to get out, and that's when he drove off howling! Hi, Al.
Hi, Tim.
How'd you know I was here? There's only two places you go when you're upset, and your mom wasn't home.
It's her bingo night.
I think when Greta decided to go outwith you, she kinda figured you'd be with her.
I couldn't.
I did what you said - I howled at the moon, I showed her the hairs on my chest, and she laughed at me.
You weren't actually supposed to show her your chest.
- It was a figure of speech.
- I'm not a wild man, Tim.
I'm not like you.
I'm a nice guy.
Well, thank you.
- Well, that didn't You know.
- Right.
I just I wish there was a way I could apologize to Greta.
I think there is, AI.
Greta.
- She's here? - Yes, she's here.
Oh, no, no! - Hi, Al.
- Greta.
I'm sorry I showed you my chest hairs.
That's OK.
I didn't really look.
I guess this whole thing came about because I'm very nervous about going out with you.
You're nervous? I'm nervous too.
What do you have to be nervous about? Because I've never been out with a celebrity before.
Well, me neither.
- You mean me? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
Well, I can see how that could make you nervous.
Celebrity.
But you shouldn't let that bother you.
I mean, after all, I'm only an assistant celebrity.
Boy, I wish we could start this whole night over.
Well, why don't we? There's something you need to know.
If we go out on a date, I I'm not interested in being just good friends.
I'm-I'm interested in being something more.
Me too.
Oh.
- Tim! - Yeah, I'm right here.
- Jill's with me.
- Hi.
Oh, gee, Jill I'm sorry I ruined the dinner.
Oh, no, you didn't ruin the dinner.
Maybe the two of you should go off somewhere together - and enjoy yourselves.
- Yeah.
That's a good idea.
Do you like bingo? Oh, I love bingo.
That's wonderful.
- Bye.
- Bye! Thank you.
You know, I think she actually likes him.
Oh, Tim, I told you.
Women love men that are sensitive.
Oh, don't start this now.
You didn't marry me because I was a sensitive man.
- Yes, I did.
- Give me one example.
OK, I will.
Do you remember that spring weekend we went to the movies and we went to Sangren Hall and saw Doctor Zhivago? - Doctor Zhivago, yeah.
- You know that scene when Lara and Dr.
Zhivago say goodbye at the train station? I looked over at you and you had a single tear roll down your cheek.
That is when I fell in love with you.
- That was such a sad scene.
- Mm.
- That's not why I was crying.
- Oh, yeah? Why? You finished all of my Milk Duds.
Just the thought of that just brings up so many bad memories.
When are we gonna eat? I'm starving.
Yeah, Dad said the propane tank would make it go faster.
Just be patient.
He's doing the best he can.
- Tim, how's it going out there? - Oh, great, honey.
Just great.
That new valve is really forcing the gas right out of this thing.
Whoa! Who wanted that well-done chicken? - This could be worth something.
- Oh.
I could tell Mom about this.
And I could duct-tape you to a ceiling fan I could tell Mom about this.
And I could duct-tape