The King of Queens s01e23 Episode Script

Whoa, wait a minute.
Leave that.
What is it? I don't know, but Jimmy smits is in it.
That's all I need to know.
Ah, so you like your Jimmy, do you? Honey, I love you more than anyone in the world, but if I actually had a shot at him, I'd have to shove you in front of a bus.
Ok, fair enough.
So, uh, do I get one? One what? A fantasy person.
You know, it's like, we each get to pick that one person on the planet that if by some crazy fluke we actually got a chance to be with them, the other just has to grin and let it happen.
All right.
I like it.
So you're going with Jimmy? Gimme a second, will you? It's a big planet.
I don't wanna blow it.
Ok, do the Baldwin brothers count as one? No.
Ok.
Uh, Mel Gibson.
You're sure? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
You can't go wrong with Mel.
Ok.
All right, who's yours? Um, Julia Roberts Nah.
I think I'm just gonna go with that girl that does your nails.
Goodnight.
All right, are you comfortable? Ready to go? I'm ready.
Ok.
Got the movie, got a box of dots, a box of milk duds, and a backup box of dots.
Doug, when you plan a Saturday night, look out! Dot me, baby.
Ok, there you are.
Oh, I didn't know we were gonna watch a motion picture.
Hi, dad.
You should warn a fella when it's movie night.
Actually, we, uh, we assumed that you had other plans.
Well, you're in luck.
Tonight, my dance card is wide open.
All right.
So what have we here: Shoot-'em-up, Sci-Fi, erotic thriller? It's a mystery, I think.
Oh, nothing like a good whodunit.
Shh.
Ok, here we go.
Come on.
"F.
B.
I.
Warning, federal law provides severe civil and criminal" Fast forwarding.
Here we go.
All right, here we go.
[T "Pentagon, October 1962.
On the Eve of the Cuban missile crisis--" Arthur, we can read.
A thousand pardons.
Why is that guy shaving his beard? Did I get here before you? I'm just trying to follow the story, Douglas.
That's fine.
Follow it without talking.
Could you do that.
Shh.
Not me, him.
Shh! Hey! What did he put into that bag? Arthur, every time you ask me a question, I can't watch the movie.
Then I don't know what's going on! Then you should get a simpler movie! Oh, I'm gettin' a beer.
Crack one for me, will you? Yeah.
Aw, look at you.
Babe, you're missing the movie.
God, the universe is so big.
Why did he have to end up here? Why couldn't he be Like, there? Ok, you know what? Tonight, when he's sleeping, I'm gonna hold a pillow over his face.
What, nothing for that? I just wish we had the house to ourselves, one time.
Believe me, I would love that, too.
Yeah.
Know when we first bought the place? Every weekend we'd just bunker in, get take-out, and walk around naked.
Yeah.
And you'd tell me to put some clothes on.
Yeah.
Well, that party's over.
Honey, I'm sorry he's gotta be here.
He's not a bad guy.
It's just I wish we could, you know, get rid of him.
For a weekend.
Well, you know what? Maybe we can.
What do you mean? Well, maybe we can ask somebody to take him for a couple of days, you know, as a favor.
You ever save anybody's life? No.
Damn it, I had so many chances, too.
Ok, you know what? Tomorrow we'll just start asking people.
I mean, there's gotta be somebody.
Absolutely.
You know what we'll do? We'll get everyone we know drunk and just see where he sticks.
It's a plan.
Next weekend, it's just you and me, bub.
Why did he put the bag in the locker? I'm not even in there! Hey, man, so, you ok? You, uh, need another beer? Moose, it's 4:00 in the afternoon.
What are you trying to do, get me drunk? Whoa, look at this.
We caught a break, Arthur's here.
Capt.
Artie, is it ok if we hang with you? I don't give a crap.
So, you wanna hang? Whatever.
I don't know why this guy insists on buying a "u.
" Some people have their brains in their asses.
Brains in the ass.
That's not even possible.
Where does he come up with this stuff? Cup holder! It's cup holder.
Oh, this guy ought to be shot.
Shot.
Oh, man, once he gets going, you just, you know what you do? You pull up a chair and enjoy the show.
I thought you said he always drives you nuts.
Well, sure, I did, but that was until I spent the weekend with him.
Then, you know, I got it.
You know.
Oh, I just--I just got a crazy idea.
What? You should--you should take him for, like, a weekend, you know.
Keep him at your place.
I'm cool with it.
Hey, you need another beer? Sorry, moose.
I ain't taking the old man off your hands.
Oh, come on, rich.
Just for one weekend.
Forget it! I'm gonna head down to the firehouse.
Hopefully, there's a fire somewhere.
Hey, he likes fires, huh? He starts 'em, you put 'em out.
There's a weekend right there.
Dad, you want any dessert? No, thanks.
I'm stuffed to the gills with lasagna.
Now it's time to go upstairs and pay the band.
So, did you find anybody yet? No.
How about you? No.
I made the mistake of asking my aunt Patti first, and she must have tipped people off because I can't get a phone call returned.
Can't we just drive him out to the country and let him go? Nah, he'll find his way back.
I guess.
Well, everybody said no, huh? Even your cousin Danny? Oh, I didn't ask him.
What? Why not? He idolizes you.
He'd do anything for you.
I know.
That's the exact problem.
My whole life he's been trying to be my best friend.
He's like those little fish that glom onto the bigger fish.
What do you call those? Uh, plankton? No.
Barnacles? No.
What else you got? Just call him! No, I don't wanna call him.
All right! I've worked very hard at keeping my distance.
I wanna keep it that way.
All right, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Douglas, I forget.
Is your toothbrush the green one or the blue one? Blue.
Oh, my God.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Dad.
Dad.
Dad.
Huh! Sorry.
Didn't mean to scare you.
Oh, you're lucky I didn't throw a kick.
What are you listening to? Oh, it's my self-help tape.
Do you realize I'm the one who gets in my own way? Yes, I do.
Uh, dad, Doug and I are having, uh, sort of a problem.
Um, yeah, uh You know my cousin Danny w-who owns the pizza place? No, but press on.
Well, anyway, he's--he's got a guy out sick this weekend.
Do you happen to know anyone who could possibly fill in? Hmm, let me see.
Oh, I knew a fellow in the army who would be perfect for this.
The only thing is his legs were blown off by a Nazi mortar.
And he's dead.
Sorry.
Nice going.
I was trying to be subtle.
Doug, he didn't even know what you were talking about.
Oh, he knew.
He knew.
You knew.
You knew.
All right.
Stop it.
All right.
Stop it.
Let me handle this.
Still us, dad.
So, you find anyone yet? Uh, no.
But, you know, actually, Doug and I had this crazy idea.
Uh, why don't you, uh, help Danny at the pizza place? Me? I'm flattered.
So, I guess I gotta wear some sort of leotard? Did you hear "pizza place"? Listen, Danny, thanks again for, uh, helping out with Arthur.
Oh, come on.
This is great.
I mean, just to see you again.
You know, gotta tell this guy to call me back once in a while.
I know, I'm bad.
I don't call back.
I'm not a phone guy.
Aw, I'm just kidding around with you.
Giving you a hard time.
Listen, listen, we're--we're throwing together a dart league, and, uh, we got some room.
Can I sign you up? You know, I think I'm already in one.
Oh, uh, just-- just a second.
Yello, angelo's.
How ya do, huh? Ok, a large pie, right half pepperoni.
Ok.
Hey, giuseppe! Hey, when you gonna bocce ball? Ok, 15 minutes.
Listen, you can never be in too many dart leagues.
Right.
We should get going, what do you say? Wait, wait.
Before you do, here, why don't you, uh, take home a couple of pies, huh? Uh, you don't have to.
I know, I don't have to.
I want to.
Let me give you some money.
He wants to give me money.
Would you get outta here with the money! Just take me to a mets game like you promised me 6 years ago, huh? Right.
Ok.
So, what are those, toppings? Uh, dad, we're leaving now.
Now, I want you to listen to Danny and do what he says, ok? Gimme a kiss goodbye.
Not at work.
Ok, bye-bye.
I wanna watch movies.
I wanna-- I wanna take a bath.
I wanna-- I wanna Write it down.
Write it down.
Make a list.
Make a list.
Ok, I wanna, um I wanna blast the stereo.
I wanna have sex in the kitchen.
Oh, yeah, put me down for that, too.
Oh, man, I--I--I wanna eat pizza.
I wanna run around naked.
I wanna, I wanna Dougie.
Well, I guess we're in the living room, so we can't fool around.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, we can.
For the sweet love of God, you gotta get off me.
Ok, now I feel sexy.
I ate too much.
Oh, my God, Doug, how many slices did you have? Put it this way, I shattered my old record.
Your father wasn't here.
I got excited.
Doug, you can eat pizza when he's here.
I know, it just tastes better when he's gone.
I was in a zone.
So what about us? I mean, the whole reason for getting rid of my father was so we could do stuff together.
It's ok.
It's ok.
It's only Friday, you know? Just let me sleep this off, and tomorrow, I promise, we'll--we'll go crazy, all right.
I swear.
Oh, hey, baby, you're up.
I was just gonna go out for a few hours.
Do you mind? What? Where are you going? I wanna get my hair done.
But this is a big day.
Come on, I made us a great breakfast.
Huh? There's food to be had, orgasms to be faked.
Oh, honey, that is so sweet.
And look, you made the whole pound of bacon.
I had to.
It expires in 3 weeks.
Come on, stay.
Honey, I already made the appointment.
Come on, you know I always feel sexier after I get my hair done.
Yeah, same here.
All right.
I'll grab a shower while you're gone.
You know, clean myself up, bang out a couple of pushups.
Hey, why don't you start with the shower and see how you feel, ok? Who's next? Who's next? Yes, sir.
Give me a slice with, uh, mushrooms.
All right.
Oh, got you a beauty here.
Throw a little red pepper on that, and it's gonna sing.
That'll be $2.
Ok, they're legit.
Thank you for coming to angelo's.
Uh, Arthur, you probably don't have to check the ones.
I see I've upset you.
Shall I consider this a formal reprimand? Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no.
You're doing a great job, here.
Thank you.
I must say your cousin was right.
You are a terrific guy.
He said that? Oh, yeah, in the car ride over here.
He was going on and on.
I started getting a little nauseous.
I had to tune him out.
Really? I--I-- I can't believe it.
All my life, I--I thought he just didn't like me.
Well, that's the way it is with Doug.
He has a hard time showin' his love.
I mean, sometimes he acts like He doesn't want me around.
Hey.
Ok, it's showtime.
I can't believe these people.
They totally ruined my hair.
I am so pissed! Hey.
It's horrible, right? What's wrong with it? Ok, how about it's totally uneven, and he made this part way too light.
Well, if it bothers you that much, put on a wig.
A blond one.
Would you stop it? I look horrible.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Look, I know what you need.
You just need yourself a nice climb up mount dougmore.
Doug, I am not even close to being in the mood.
You can't see this? Carrie, I'm all set to go, here.
Well, I'm sorry.
What do you want me to do, just lie down and go through the motions? If you want to.
All right, here's the deal.
Why don't you take yourself a nice hot shower, and then after, you can redo your hair the way you like it, like, all sexy.
Ok? Yeah, let me do that.
All right, that's a girl.
Oh! All right, you go suds up.
I'll get rid of whoever this is.
You! Me? You! What? Arthur told me what you said.
A-a-about? That I'm a terrific guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mentioned that, yeah.
Come on, let me buy you a beer in your kitchen.
Let's go.
Uh, actually, c-Carrie's upstairs.
Oh, don't worry.
I gotta get back to the shop, anyway.
Come on, quick beer.
Ok.
Remember when we were kids, we would, uh, pin those towels around our necks? Yeah, I think I remember that.
Oh, sure you do.
Sure you do.
You'd pretend to be, uh, superman, and I was your sidekick Towel boy.
Towel boy, that's right! Yeah! Ah, those were fun times.
Hmm.
So, Doug, what-- you know, what--what went wrong? How did we drift apart? Was it me, because I--I know I can come on like a ton of bricks.
No, no, you're fine.
I mean, you were a bit of a pain in the ass when we were kids, but I guess, you know, I never let it go.
You know what? I'm--I'm sorry.
Well, whatever happened, I'm just glad we were able to hang out a little, you know? Well, listen, I--I'm gonna get going.
And you know what? Maybe, sometime, w-we'll do that mets game together, huh? Yeah, whenever.
I'm not pushin'.
Hey, remember the last one we went to back in '86? Oh, yeah, right.
When you threw my keys in the urinal.
Right, right.
But I made it up to you, though.
Remember I took you to Tracy matello's birthday party, huh? You remember that? Yeah, I remember.
That's the night everyone started calling me stumpy.
Yeah, that was because of me.
I--I started that.
Remember, you were wearing that stupid turtleneck, dancing on the floor out there, and I was like, "hey, nice move there, stumpy!" That was all me.
Do you know that people still call me that? Oh, really? That's funny.
It is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you ever try to get a girl to go out with you when your nickname is stumpy? God! I--I can't believe that was you! You did that to me! No, actually, it was Rick Usher.
That's who it was, Rick Usher, I remember.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Blame the dead kid.
You know? It was you! Now, wait till my therapist gets this piece of the puzzle! It was just a nickname.
Oy! Can I get a little focus here? How can I focus? I ruined the guy's life.
Stumpy's funny though, right? Doug, if you're trying to get me hot, repeating the word "stumpy" is not gonna help.
I just feel so guilty.
Ok, well, look at it this way.
Now he hates you.
Now he won't call you as much.
I don't want him to hate me.
I want him to love me and not call me.
Ok, so what are you saying? Are we gonna fool around or not? Look, I'll do whatever you want.
I'm just telling you right now, I can't give you all the engines.
Doug, it's Saturday, ok? Our weekend without my father is over tomorrow.
Fine.
We'll fool around in the morning, ok? Just go to sleep now.
It's 7:30.
Shut up, weird hair.
Hey, it's Sunday morning.
You wanna have sex? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Stop.
Hey, come on.
Wake up, I want sex.
Your hair looks good now.
Doug, I'm sleeping.
Did you feel that? Oh, no.
Oh, honey! It's a dougquake! Oh, God! Oh, boy! Quick, under a doorjamb! Under a doorjamb! Find one! Stop it.
Aftershocks! You are so dead.
You are so dead! You want a piece of me? Come on, sex in the kitchen.
Dad, what are you doing? I thought you weren't coming home until tonight.
Danny gave me the boot.
What? Why? I don't know.
Something about Doug being an idiot.
So, what are you kids up to? We wanna have sex in the kitchen I see.
So, tell me, what, exactly, do you remember about that day? Well, Danny and I were at this birthday party, and I, uh I just called him stumpy.
You think that's funny? I told you.
Right? It's funny, right?