Frasier s01e24 Episode Script

(Niles) Calm down, dear.
Listen.
Take a left, then the second right, then a left again.
- OK.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Is Maris lost again? She wandered into the kitchen by mistake.
I had to talk her back to the living room.
Any chance of getting a table? No.
They got their check five minutes ago, but they've been sitting there ever since.
- I shoot them dirty looks, all in vain.
- Show me the look.
They're there for a while.
- Shall we order? - Why not? - What are your coffees today? - Zimbabwe and Kenya.
- Ooh, I'll have a Zimbabwe latte.
- I'll have a Kenya cappuccino.
So what's new? The gardener finally won the battle of the wills.
He got Maris to dig up her camellias so he could put in that Zen garden.
- How did it turn out? - It's beautiful.
The perfect place for meditation.
Yesterday I found Maris sitting in the lotus position.
Good for her.
It's bringing out her spiritual side.
She was reading Danielle Steele and making a nail appointment on her phone.
Do you realise that it's a year since I moved from Boston? Really? A year? It seems like yesterday Dad moved in with you.
People can have opposite impressions of the same event.
Look at them.
Sitting there like they own that table.
- Let's both give them the look.
- It's worth a try.
- It worked! - Niles, I'll never doubt you again! Try the look on that table.
I'm going to the men's room.
- Maddening! - What? The moisturiser dispenser in the gents.
The cream is too oily, so I re-washed.
And then the hand dryer breaks down.
How do you get through the day? - Here you go, Zimbabwe and Kenya.
- Thank you.
- Did I say decaf? - No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
If I drink the regular stuff, it'll keep me tossing and turning through my brother's conversation.
(Waitress) 'No problem.
' (Frasier) 'Thank you.
' Nobody's leaving.
Let's take a table outside.
Why not? I'm feeling al fresco.
Oh, how does Mrs Fresco feel about that? Must be a riot on camping trips.
- Would you like a? - No.
Now that chapter two of your life is in full swing, can I ask you something? - Sure.
- Are you happy? - Did you hear the question? - Yes, I'm thinking.
- It's a complex question.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
- Either you're happy or not.
- Are you? - No, but we're not talking about me.
Let's not gloss over that.
You have just told me you're not happy.
Why? I was watching PBS the other night - a documentary on the Great Depression.
Vintage Steinbeck.
Poor people escaping the Dust Bowl, their meagre possessions on rickety, old trucks heading to their "salvation".
You see this scruffy little boy being handed a new pair of shoes.
Frasier, if you could have seen the look on that boy's face.
It was a look of pure and utter happiness.
I have never experienced that kind of happiness in my life.
Not even when I bought these $400 Bruno Maglis.
- Do you like them? - Very nice.
- What about the tassels? - I'm not a tassel guy.
Neither am I.
Nevertheless, there they are.
I have no reason to be unhappy.
I have my health.
I have a wonderful home, a beautiful wife.
- Did your eyebrow just move? - No.
I have my practice.
But I've lost the ideals that led me to psychiatry in the first place.
Who am I talking to? Psychiatry's answer to the drive-through window.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just in it for the money.
Oh, I wouldn't say that's true.
If it were Oh.
- What were you going to say? - I'd rather not.
There's no need to.
I know what you've wanted to ask me for years: Did I marry Maris for the money? I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money.
- It was just a delightful bonus.
- So you really do love her? Of course I love her! But it's a different kind of love.
You mean, it's not human? No.
I mean, it doesn't burn with the passion of a Tristan and Isolde.
It's more comfortable, more familiar.
Maris and I are old friends.
We can spend an afternoon together, me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her Autoharp, not a word spoken between us, and be perfectly content.
I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.
Let's shift the subject back to where it belongs.
I asked you whether you were happy.
Just answer.
- Well - (Roz) Hey, guys.
- Hi, Roz.
- What are you doing here? I always wanted to fly a jet, and today they're offering a special on jet-flying lessons.
I came here to get coffee.
Thanks for stopping by.
I'd have been mad if you didn't.
I'm also meeting someone here.
Oh, let me guess.
A man? - Yes.
- Yes.
The new guy from the news department caught me checking him out.
- He was bent over the water fountain.
- Love at first sight.
He said, "Let's get some coffee and get acquainted.
" I've got a strange feeling that this guy might be the one.
You say that about every guy you meet.
Let's just see if this one calls back.
Yeah, I guess.
You know, I don't think he's here yet.
- I'll go snag a table.
- Good luck.
- Bye, Roz.
- Yeah.
- I don't think she likes me.
- It isn't a question of liking or not liking.
- She despises you.
- Really? I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.
You may be on to something there, Sherlock.
She is comely in a back-alley sort of way.
She's very attractive.
- Did you ever think about you two? - Roz and me? Oh, no.
Oh, come on! Never fantasised about stealing away to a motel with her? I'm a man with normal urges, and she has a silk blouse that opens a bit when she leans over the cart rack, but Oh, mixing work with romance Is it ever worth it? Don't ask me.
You're the one that looked down her blouse.
- Decaf Zimbabwe latte.
- Is that non-fat milk? - No.
- I hate to be a bother.
It's just that I'm watching my fat intake.
Is that rain? - No, God is crying.
- Can't I ask a simple question? Do you ask any other kind? Hey, how the hell did she get a table? Oh, Frasier, Frasier! There! (Frasier) Oh! - Frasier! - Oh, Niles, Niles! Oh, good block! Sorry! Good work there.
I just wanted it a little more than he did.
Oh, boy, it's really coming down.
What? Something happened the other morning.
I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin.
You know what he said? - He said, "What's the magic word?" - You're kidding! He didn't find it amusing when I said "rest home".
Oh, oh, oh! Look, look! That must be Roz's coffee companion.
Wow, he's really handsome, isn't he? "Wow"? Did you say "wow"? Good Lord, I did.
I don't think I've ever said "wow" describing another man before.
Does that mean something? It means you're a gay man.
Your life with Maris is a charade.
Come out of the closet.
You want to tell Dad or shall I? This was stupid! This whole idea was stupid! Admit it.
No! You needed exercise.
It was stupid to come out without your bumbershoot.
It's an umbrella! Speak English! Sorry, no dogs allowed.
- What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
It's OK.
- Oh, Niles? - Hello, Dad.
- What are you two doing here? - I felt we needed some exercise.
I had to pick up some beans anyway, so we walked.
Well, one of us was dragged by his collar.
I told you I didn't want to come.
Look at me, I'll die of pneumonia.
You'll outlive us.
The cranky ones always do.
Let's get you something hot to drink.
You want a cappuccino or? - Can I help you? - Coffee, black, nothing fancy in it.
We have two special coffees today I'll surprise you.
Oh, joy.
There's nothing like the smell of a wet dog to work up the appetite for supper.
- We're soaked to the skin! - You're in a fine mood today! - You left a mess in the kitchen.
- I had toast! Yeah, and you buttered it on the counter.
I know because you left crumbs and toast sweat there! - Toast sweat? - Yes, yes.
When you put hot toast on any surface, it leaves drops of dew.
Haven't you heard Dad's lecture on the evils of toast sweat? It's the scourge of our times! One coffee, black.
And a decaf, non-fat Zimbabwe latte.
Oh, dear, is that cinnamon on that foam? As long as we're picking each other's scabs here, I found Eddie's chew toy in my sweater cubby.
Hair all over my favourite pullover! He sleeps in there! Because you keep sweaters in a "cubby".
Oh! Well, my bedroom is off-limits to this flea bag.
- He's not a flea bag! - How about those Mariners? Shut up, Niles! If my hip's good enough to get me here, maybe it's time I found a place of my own! - Where will you go? - Don't worry.
I'll find a place.
I've got a little money saved up.
I never wanted to move in with you.
(Dad and Frasier) "I don't want to be a burden to anybody!" That's Frasier's smartass way of telling me he's heard this.
You won't have to hear it again.
Tell Daphne to catch up with us.
We go through this melodrama every week! Sit down! - No.
How much for the coffee? - $1.
50.
For coffee? What kind of world are we living in? You were in that bathroom forever.
I tried that damn hand cream.
I'm so oily, I couldn't grip the doorknob.
When some guy came in, I said, "Am I glad to see you!" I can't even begin to describe the look he gave me.
There it is.
So, I'm told you and your dad are at it again.
What's new? Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend.
Yesterday, when I insisted he do his stretching exercises, he told me to stick me feet behind me head and spin like a top.
The best thing to do is to ignore him when he's like that.
Isn't that right, Niles? Niles? I'm sorry.
For some reason, I'm feeling a little dizzy.
- I'll go after him.
- Oh, here.
- Take my bumbershoot.
- That's nice.
At least someone appreciates my mother tongue.
I've always had an ear for your tongue.
Oh, Niles! What did I say? - Want another coffee? - Not until I've had my first one, thanks.
Why is it always so difficult between me and Dad? Look at it from Dad's point of view.
As a policeman, he had authority.
That's been taken away.
Criticising the world, he controls his shrinking sphere of influence.
I do empathise with him.
It's just I can't help wishing to kick that cane out from under him sometimes and that he would land on Eddie.
- It's hard.
I know you're trying.
- I am.
Sometimes, I see the fruits of my labour.
The other night, Dad was watching TV.
I'd fallen asleep on the couch.
Suddenly I stirred.
I felt something on my head.
Dad was standing there, stroking my hair.
Dad? Did he say anything? Yeah, he said, "Don't you think it's time for a haircut? You look like Bozo.
" I know he was covering.
What do you think? - Wouldn't hurt to get a trim.
- No - Do you think he was covering? - Of course.
You know Dad.
Tough as nails on the outside, but on the inside, one giant spike.
- Grazie.
- Excuse me.
What about mine? We have a team of specialists working on it.
Let's change the subject from Dad and talk about something else.
- Yes, about something light and frothy.
- I agree.
Are you in love with Daphne? That's a little frothier than I had in mind.
That is preposterous! I refuse to dignify that question with an answer.
I don't know.
There, I said it! Are you happy? Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Why not a beefy, Eastern-European scrubwoman who reeked of ammonia? I asked, but it was an Olympic year.
The agency was fresh out.
Frasier, I can't get her out of my mind.
Daphne stirs a passion in me I've never known before.
- You're not considering leaving Maris? - No.
I suppose the situation you're in is that you'd like to stay with Maris but have an affair with Daphne.
- Yes.
Can I do that? - No, you can't.
I thought that I couldn't, but you got my hopes up there for a minute.
Oh, it's easy for you.
You're free, you're happy.
You haven't answered that question yet.
- I haven't? - No, you haven't.
Are you happy? Well, I guess the best way I could think of saying it is - This sucks.
- What's the matter? You're having coffee with a man and think he might lead you to something like, oh, I don't know, a life? Suddenly, the trapdoor opens and you're right back in Roz's world.
- How did it go so wrong so quickly? - Simple.
He just wanted to convert me.
I have nothing against religious people.
I'm ecumenical.
I embrace men of all faiths.
If only it stopped there.
He pretended it was a date.
Isn't there a commandment against that? No, they didn't go into dating until the New Testament.
Roz, I'm sorry.
Why don't you join us? No, thank you.
There's a cute new handyman in my building.
I'll just go home, slip into a negligee and rip out my faucet.
You think she's kidding, don't you? I think about Roz's life, and it makes me wonder about my own.
I haven't been exactly burning up the social scene lately.
- You'll find somebody.
- But what if I don't? What if I end up old and alone? I might have to buy a funny little dog and move in with Frederick.
I don't have to worry about that for a while.
No.
Frederick should worry about that.
You might try answering my original question: Are you happy? I guess I'd have to say - Hello, boys.
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
- Dad, what are you doing back here? - I don't know, I I've been acting like a jerk lately, and taking it out on you and Daphne.
All that stuff I said earlier, forget about it.
- I already have.
- Come on, Eddie.
Dad, listen, has something been bothering you the last few days? - No, no.
- Come on.
- Nothing.
- Is something bothering you? - Just tell us.
- Just say it.
OK.
Last Sunday was my birthday.
Of course it was.
Frasier and I planned a big surprise party, but on your birthday it wouldn't have been a surprise.
Thus we waited a week.
So, surprise! Oh, if you could see the look on your face.
Just give it up, Niles.
Dad, I'm sorry.
- Oh, no.
- Come and have a seat.
You know, I don't know why I let it bother me.
All those years on the force, I missed enough of your birthdays.
You know what? We can still celebrate.
We'll take you out to dinner tonight.
- You don't need to do that.
- Absolutely.
You name the place.
OK.
- How about Hoppy's Old Heidelberg? - Oh, great! Great! They were voted best bratwurst in town.
Ach du lieber! I've been on Third Street looking for you.
I was on Fourth Street.
Eddie had smelled everything on Third.
- How did you know I was here? - One of me psychic flashes.
Bang! There you were walking into Café Nervosa.
You were apologising for the way you've treated me this week.
I'm sorry about that.
Just forget about it, all right? And something about a raise - You're winging it now.
- Am I that transparent? No, I'm psychic.
The boys are taking us out to Hoppy's Old Heidelberg for dinner.
Oh, great.
German food! We whip the Jerries twice this century, and they still have the last laugh.
Dad, sorry, I can't give you a ride.
- I'll give him a lift.
- Ah.
I've enjoyed getting together with you for coffee.
- What do you talk about all the time? - Sports, chicks, monster truck rallies.
OK, don't tell me.
Zimbabwe, decaf, non-fat milk, no cinnamon in sight.
Now Are you happy? You know, in the greater scheme of things, yes, I'd say I am.
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Quite stylish # And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # See you next year! We love you!