The King of Queens s01e25 Episode Script

Are you close to moving? Sorry, pal, I takes my time.
Dad, Doug and I are going to Deacon and Kelly's.
I left some dinner for you in the fridge, ok? Fine.
You ready, babe? Just one more move, if he ever decides to move.
Keep your shirt on.
Ok, let's go.
Oh, no, here comes the bear! He's after us! He's gaining on us! Quick, where do we hide? Where do we hide? In the house! All right.
Quick, get in.
Oh, no, the bear's in here! He's on me! He's on the big guy! Help me! Help the big guy! Again, again! Oh, please, God, no.
Kirby, that's enough for tonight, my man.
No, I wanna play.
All righty, come on.
One more, one more.
Let's go.
Yay! You see, that's the problem when we come here.
Doug gets overexcited, and then he'll get cranky and cry when I try to put him to bed, it's a mess.
Well, then, I better warn you.
Pretty soon there's going to be another little playmate for Doug around here.
What? I thought we weren't going to tell anyone yet.
Oh, I just said that so you wouldn't tell your mother.
I got one in the oven.
Ah, that's great! Congratulations, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Hey, good job, big fella.
You are the father, right? We're pretty sure.
Doug, did you hear? Kelly's pregnant.
Yeah, I already knew.
Deacon told me.
W-we were chatting.
He asked about your uterus.
What was I gonna say? So, what about you guys, huh? When you gonna have one of these? Ah, you know, one of these days.
Ah, no, no, no! He's got me! Oh, gosh! God, that kid is getting so cute.
He was singing along with every song on the lion king video.
Were you watchin'? Actually, I was watching you sing along.
I was humming, all right, just to be supportive.
So, admit it, Doug.
Admit what? You want a kid.
Carrie, that's not why I brought it up.
I'm not saying that's why you brought it up.
I'm just saying that watching you tonight with Kirby, it was pretty obvious that you want a kid.
Well, I'll admit I want that kid.
Come on, Doug, be serious.
Don't you think we should talk about, you know, if we wanna have a baby? I thought I was forbidden from bringing it up.
Ok, well, I'm bringing it up.
All right.
You wanna do the pros and cons thing again? Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
Ok.
Ok.
Pros and cons of having a baby.
Pro side.
Ok.
Well, we'd have a baby.
That's a pro, right? No, actually, last time you wouldn't let me list it as a pro.
Pretty much left us with nothin'.
Ok, so now it's a pro.
Progress, right? Absolutely.
All right, let's get the cons out there.
Ok.
Well, being pregnant is no picnic.
Lot of throwin' up, not sleeping.
Not being able to smoke or drink.
You can handle it.
And then there's the birth itself.
Squeezing out something the size of a football.
I don't know who thought that one up.
I'll be right there with you the whole time saying "push" or "pull.
" Also I read that your hipbones spread, like, 3 inches and never come back.
Been there, done that.
And, you know, I'd--I'd have to take a leave of absence from work, so I'd never have any shot at making paralegal.
Well, that's true, but you know what-- and then with a kid, you got those middle-of-the-night breast feedings, poopy diapers, ear infections, ok.
Making him do his homework, trying to get him off drugs-- would you stop? Ok, how about this? We leave it in the hands of the gods.
If I make the light, we're having a baby.
Ok.
That certainly beats rational discussion.
Ok, here we go.
Still green.
All right, you're slowing down.
I'm going the speed limit.
You never go the speed limit! Would you stop? I'm doing this.
Well, that's that.
Sorry.
Look, it's still green.
Would you relax? I'm not ready to have a baby, all right? I--I know, Mr.
Felson.
But the problem was that our computers went down before I could e-mail the memo to you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, bill gates is gonna get a piece of my mind.
You're right.
That--that's not funny.
Ok.
The memo's on its way.
Bye.
Oh, hey, Carrie.
Heard Felson never got his memo.
Just sent it, John.
What a little freak.
Really.
I just need him to lose a little more hair, and then we can kick in with the bald jokes.
I'll tell you, there's gonna be no living with him now that he got bumped to paralegal.
What? They promoted him yesterday.
You didn't hear? No.
Him? Are you kidding me? Can you believe it? I mean, you'd be so much better than him.
The partners are just stupid.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, carr'.
I thought you knew.
Carrie? Yeah, they're screaming for more bagels in the conference room.
Should I tell them you're having coffee or No.
I will do it.
All right.
Hey, how's it going? You don't wanna know.
You're probably right.
Hey! I was gonna finish it all.
Guess what? What? I have some really exciting news.
What? We're gonna have a baby! What? I thought you were using that frisbee thing.
No.
I mean I decided I wanna have a baby.
Look.
I went to the drugstore, and I got the ovulation kit, a home pregnancy test.
Oh, and I got you one of these.
Nothing to do with being pregnant, but I know you like them, so I know you've been waiting for me to come around.
Are you happy? Yeah, sure, I just Wh-what brought this on all of a sudden? Doug, at work today, it just hit me.
I was like, what the hell am I doing, you know? I've been giving my life to these putzes, hoping if I work hard enough and smile, that they'll throw me a bone.
But what really matters is us: Our life, our family.
Really? Yeah.
So I'm gonna take the ovulation test in the morning, and that'll tell me when I'm ready to rock.
Now, should I go get a stud, or are you with me? I'm fairly sure I can handle it.
Let's make a heffernan.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I love you so much, honey.
I love you, too.
Friday.
What? Friday! Um, Tuesday.
I don't understand the game.
The ovulation test.
I'm ovulating on Friday.
Where does it say Friday? It doesn't say Friday.
The surge line was darker than the reference line when I peed on it.
Hug-Ana-ma! Which means I'm ovulating in 2 days, which is Friday.
You got it? I think so, although I only have a vague idea of what ovulating is.
Come on.
It's where the egg thing drops down into the other thing so you can get to it.
I don't know.
Anyway, so Friday, huh? Yeah, we'll make a night of it.
We'll have a nice dinner, we'll throw down some 40s Then we'll come up here and mul-ti-ply.
Now, I want all your little swimmers to be ready, so keep 'em inside, if you catch my drift.
Until Friday? What's today? Stop! What? Come on, I can't wait to have fat loudmouthed babies with you.
Ok, what does that mean? 'Cause I'm fat and I'm a loudmouth, too.
Hello, my friend.
Hey.
You're in a good mood.
That's 'cause the missus and I have decided to conceive.
Oh, yeah? That's my boy.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Yeah.
And the timing's good, too.
Now my first kid and your next one'll be around the same age, so they can hang out or play football Have sex Whatever makes sense.
Maybe all of those.
It's gonna be great being a dad, isn't it? The best.
Oh, man.
I just keep imagining it, and it seems like it's gonna be great.
Hmm.
Am I imagining it right? Oh, absolutely.
Great, man! Great, great! All great all the time, huh? Sure.
Well, I mean some of it can be kinda heavy, but-- yeah, but even the heavy stuff is great, right? What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, I don't know, like the extra financial responsibility.
You know, that kind of thing.
But even that's great, right? It's like, hey, can't lose my job, otherwise I can't feed my kid, you know? Kinda like a fun kick in the ass, huh? Not really.
Ok, maybe that part's not great, but everything else is, right? Uh, sure.
Everything, right? But not everything.
Well, what do you mean? I don't know, with a kid you're gonna worry a little.
What are you gonna worry about? You know, that if anything happens, it would-- what, destroy you? Shatter your entire world? Is that what you're getting at? I guess so.
What are you doing? I'm just asking simple questions.
You're the one who keeps talking about what a crushing responsibility it is.
What do you want me to do, say that every single part of having a kid is completely easy and wonderful? Well, it's a little late for that, isn't it? Hug-Ana-ma! Hello.
Arthur, what are you doing? I often sit in the dark.
I find it sharpens my other senses.
So, what are you doing up? Well, I guess there's no reason not to tell you.
Carrie and I are gonna try and have a baby.
I see.
So I suppose the newborn will be getting the lion's share of the attention.
Maybe for a while, but that doesn't mean we'll stop loving you.
Regardless, I wish you both the best of luck on your new venture.
Thanks.
Arthur? Si, senor? How did you feel when Carrie was born? I mean, becoming a dad for the first time.
Kind of a big thing, huh? Douglas, I gotta tell you.
It was an experience like no other.
Sophia and I were living in greenwich village at the time.
a care in the world.
How old were you? You're doing great, Sophia.
Keep pushing.
Oh, where is my husband? I want my husband.
Well, he better hurry, because it won't be much longer here.
Where is she? Artie! Oh, you made it.
Of course I made it.
I'm paying for this.
You think I'm gonna miss it? Ok, I see the head.
Push, Sophia.
Hey, that's my wife.
Don't look down there.
Artie, he's gotta look down there.
He doesn't have to stare! He could glance.
Oh! Oh, God! It's ok, sweetheart.
I'm here with you.
By the way, before you went into labor, did you happen to pick up any English muffins? Well, I--I shopped today, but I only got wonder bread.
Wonder bread? I specifically wrote on the list English muffins! But you like wonder bread.
It's got those cute balloons on the package.
Oh, for God's sake! Those are not balloons.
They're just dots.
Fine! We'll get English muffins after we use up the wonder bread.
Oh, that could be weeks! I gotta tell you, Sophia, you dropped the ball on this one! It's out.
Already? That didn't hurt at all.
See? See what I did there? I distracted you.
And it's a beautiful girl.
Hey, don't look at her, either! So anyway, long story short, we picked up some English muffins on the way home and threw the wonder bread right in the trash.
Thank you, Arthur.
Carrie, Carrie! What? Millberg wants my report on the Boston bank case in an hour, but I can't find any of the depositions.
All right, just relax, John.
What's the case number? Um, 3, 8, something, something, something.
Very helpful.
Thank you.
You know, we don't even need the case number.
We just cross-reference with the attorney's name, and there, it's searching.
Ah, thank you.
And, uh, by the way, John, I just wanna say that I'm--I'm happy for you.
You got promoted and all.
I should have told you sooner.
Oh, not a problem.
No, I mean it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, um, I'm sorry I gave you the finger in the elevator over there.
Please.
I provoked you.
John.
Harmon's looking for you.
Oh, God, what did I screw up for him? Well, he's coming nice and unglued.
Well, that fact isn't lost on the partners.
I heard they're gonna dump him on Monday.
What? Yep.
Oh, and I also heard who they're talking about as his replacement.
Me? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my God, this is great! Oh, wait a minute.
I'm supposed to have a baby.
Honey, you--you ready? Coming.
Hey.
Hey.
So, baby-making time, huh? Oh, yeah.
Did you ovulate today? I think so.
It's not like a bell goes off or anything.
All right, then.
Let's get started, shall we? I, uh Picked us up a candle at the mall today.
It smells like ice cream.
Nice touch, Dougie.
Thanks.
Let's get going, ok? Yeah.
Ok.
So, should we, uh, do the sex the way we usually do it, or should I just go right for it? You don't usually go right for it? N-n-no, I'm--I'm just sayin' I've never done this for the reason that God intended.
Let's just do what we always do.
Ok.
Ok.
Y-you ok? Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Funny thing, actually.
What? Oh, nothing really.
It's just that, uh, John dellamonica couldn't hack it as a paralegal, so they're gonna offer me the job after all.
Isn't that a kick? I--I--I guess.
Do you wanna do it or No! No, no, no.
I'm just saying, you know, it's nice validation to know that they want me, but I don't wanna start a whole new job now that we're doing this baby deal.
Yeah.
Look, if you wanna take the job, then maybe we should wait on this.
I'm not saying I wanna take the job.
Well, what am I supposed to think? Here I am trying to get the troops ready for battle and You--you're talking about a promotion.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I had a really good day at work, and it's bound to get me thinking about stuff.
Oh, I get it.
You have a bad day at work, you wanna have a baby.
When you have a good day, you don't.
What happens when you have, like, an ok day? "Oh, I wanna get a turtle.
" I'm not saying I don't wanna have a baby.
I'm just saying-- I don't know what I'm saying! I'm just, you know, I'm having some doubts, that's all.
What do you want from me? Hey, I have doubts, too, but at least I've been hiding mine! Wait a minute.
What are you saying? You were gonna go through with this with doubts? Oh, so were you.
No.
No, no, no.
If you'll notice, we are not having sex right now.
That's all me, buddy.
All right, look.
W-w-we're getting a little nuts here, all right? Let's just calm down and--and talk about this, ok? You're right.
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna have a baby or not? We have to decide one way or the other.
You know what? Let's just do it.
Really? Really.
Look, honey, I know I've been all over the place about this, and I'm sorry.
But now I'm thinking, what the hell? We're gonna have doubts no matter when we decide to do it, right? Yes.
No one would ever have a baby if they waited for all the doubts to be gone.
Exactly.
The important thing is that we love each other, and we're in this together.
I agree.
That's all that matters.
So? Shall we? Let's do it.
Now.
Good luck.
And to you, sir.
Oh, Doug We're really gonna do it.
We're about to make a child, a beautiful child that's part of us.
I am so happy.
I love you so much.
Doug! Doug.
Doug! Wha Um, crazy thought.
How about we wait Like a year, huh? Just a year, one year, just to know that we really, really, really wanna do this.
That'll take the pressure off you.
I can do the paralegal thing a little bit, then, bam! Baby time.
You really wanna wait? Yeah.
Then don't move.
Douglas, Carrie, in anticipation of your impending bundle of joy, I'd like to pass down a toy that I enjoyed as a child.
Oh, daddy, that is so sweet of you.
But you know what? We decided to wait on the whole baby thing.
Oh, I see.
The big guy shootin' blanks? We're just not ready.
Ok, ok.
Now, listen.
Take the toy anyway.
In case you ever are "ready.
" Thanks, dad.
It's really cute.
You bet it is.
See? The hose will squirt real water, and the ladder can actually extend.
Gee, I completely forgot about this.
Woofie the fire dog pops up and down.
Look.
Hmm.
As long as you're waiting, I might as well hang on to this.