Big Bang Theory s02e01 Episode Script

So you see, what you're eating is not technically yogurt, because it doesn't have enough live acidophilus cultures.
It's really just ice milk with carrageenan added for thickness.
That's very interesting.
It's also not pink and has no berries.
Yeah, but it doesn't really answer my question.
- What was your question again? - Do you want some? - Right.
No.
I'm lactose intolerant.
- Right.
- So, gas.
- Yeah, got it.
Well good night.
What are you doing? There's a draft.
I didn't feel a draft.
Why don't we just go into, your Yeah, you know what, maybe we should slow things down a little.
I didn't mean to go into your apartment to - go fast.
- No, I know.
I know what you meant, it's just this is only our first date.
Okay, sure, no problem.
Why don't we just figure out where we're going and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time.
Solve for R.
Or we could just wing it.
That might work, too.
- Good night, Leonard.
- Good night.
He's coming.
Screensaver! Hey, Leonard.
How was your date? Bite me.
Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me? They were clever.
They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
You should thank us.
When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
What are you talking about? The date went fine.
She said she wants to slow things down.
Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down.
It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal.
"I'm going to slow down and savor it.
" No, it's like, "This fish tastes bad, "so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out.
" - You being the fish.
- I'm not the fish.
Really? Did you make a second date? No, we sort of decided to wing it.
Even I know that's lame.
Okay, all right, let's assume your hypothesis.
We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed.
Where could I have possibly gone wrong? Think back, Leonard.
The littlest things can set women off.
Like, "Hey, the waitress is hot, "I bet we could get her to come home with us.
" Or, "How much does your mom weigh? "I want to know what I'm getting into.
" - I didn't say anything like that.
- Good, 'cause they don't work.
They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate.
Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Look, everything went fine.
I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters.
That woman across the hall is into me.
Let's go to the tape.
Look at her reaction to the good night kiss.
No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, - no flushing of the chest.
- Nice close-up, by the way.
Interesting.
Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access.
Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
That's not a bad sign.
Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
I'm not there because I'm taking things slow, which, by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
And take down that camera.
He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Give him time.
Episode 201: The Bad Fish Paradigm seriessub.
com / sub-way.
fr / forom.
com Hi.
Oh, hi, Penny.
FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine two, so colors only, and four is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle, - so avoid using it for your delicates.
- Thanks.
Good Lord why don't you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? Can I ask you a question? I would prefer that you not, but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
All right, I heard yes, so Here's my question.
Has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl? I assume you're not referring to digestive regularity.
Because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
No, I meant, has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a brainiac? A few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French literature.
How is that not a brainiac? Well, for one thing, she was French.
For another, it was literature.
So Do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating, he'll eventually get bored with me? - That depends.
- On what? Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? Do you speak Klingon? - You know any card tricks? - Okay, you know what I get it.
Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Why would you lie about that? He was going on and on about this college and that grad school, I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
You thought the opposite of "stupid loser" was "community college graduate"? You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.
Yeah, but you are neither.
Right.
Okay, this is between you and me.
You cannot tell Leonard any of this.
You're asking me to keep a secret? Well, I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so I could've chosen if I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping.
You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
What? Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor.
One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes.
When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
It's a joke.
It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick," the bloodsucking arachnid, and "tic," the involuntary muscular contraction.
I made it up myself.
Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
- Physiologically impossible.
- Sheldon, please.
Look, I am asking you as a friend.
So you're saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences? Yeah.
Interesting.
One more question, and perhaps I should have led with this.
When did we become friends? i.
e.
, I couldn't become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the Guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.
You could be Batman? Sure.
I'm Batman.
See? - Hi, guys.
- Hi, Penny.
If you're free Friday night, I thought maybe we could go see a movie.
Oh, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday.
What about Saturday? I'm not sure; the manager hasn't posted the schedule yet.
- How about I let you know? - Great.
So you just let me know when you know.
Okay, so Oh, God, I am the bad fish.
What did I do wrong? Why are you asking me? I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you have provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
You seem to be implying an informational back-channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.
No, I didn't.
I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.
- What's going on with you? - I might ask you the same question.
Why are you attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me, but exist between you and Penny, a person to whom I barely speak? What's wrong with your face? There's no reason to bring my looks into this.
Good day, Leonard.
- What? - I said, "Good day.
" "Good day"? Also today, we have a fresh-caught Alaska salmon, and that's served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice.
- Our soup of the day is - You must release me from my oath.
Sheldon, I'm working.
- Why don't you take a minute to decide? - Oh, my I can't keep your secret.
I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space.
Like a Renaissance tryptich.
Like a cheap suit.
Look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret? I'm constitutionally incapable.
That's why I was refused clearance for a prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station of Traverse City, Michigan.
Which you did not hear about from me.
Just forget I told you about me - not graduating from community college.
- Forget? You want me to forget? This mind does not forget.
I haven't forgotten a single thing since my mother stopped breastfeeding me.
- It was a drizzly Tuesday.
- Okay You promised me you would keep my secret, so just figure out a way to do it.
Leonard, I'm moving out.
What do you mean, you're moving out? Why? There doesn't have to be a reason.
Yeah, there kinda does.
Not necessarily.
This is a classic example of Munchausen's Trilemma.
Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular, i.
e.
I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
I'm still confused.
Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
Hey, qu'est-ce que s'up? We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized human cadavers.
And some of those skinless chicks were hot! If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.
That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
It's not you, Howard.
He says he's moving out.
What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the TV? Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him? Did you buy generic ketchup, forget to rinse the sink, talk to him through the bathroom door? Adjust the thermostat, cook with cilantro, pronounce the "t" in often? Did you make fun of trains? No, I didn't do anything.
He's just gone insane.
We all knew this day was coming.
That was fast.
It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag.
It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security.
And Sarah Connor.
Where are you going to live? Until I find a permanent place, I will stay with friends.
Bye.
You can't stay with me.
I have a teeny-tiny apartment.
Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of manushya yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? I hate trains.
Don't be ridiculous, you love trains.
Yes, I do.
Come on.
See you later, Leonard.
This could work.
This is a very old building.
It used to be a watch factory.
What? Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials? Not until now! I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter.
I had it on my bed and I didn't pack it.
- If you're not comfortable staying - I'm kidding, I packed it.
It was a joke.
I was subverting the conversational expectations.
I believe they call that the ol' switcheroo.
Terrific.
Is that woman Aishwarya Rai? Yes, isn't she an amazing actress? Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
How dare you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess.
By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Who is it? Strip-o-Gram! Tag, you're it.
Shouldn't you put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?! I've never slept on an air mattress before.
No lumbar support whatsoever.
Maybe you'd be happier on a park bench.
I don't see any way to get a park bench in here.
- Do you want to switch? - No, that's fine.
I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
- Get out of bed.
We're switching.
- Only if you want to.
Just get in the bed! What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing? We're just talking, Ma! If you don't settle down right now, I'm not going to let you have any more sleepovers! For God's sake, Ma, I'm 27 years old! And it's not even a school night! Comfy now? That poster of Halle Berry is a little unnerving.
So don't look at it.
She's like my fourth favorite Catwoman.
No kidding.
Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, and then her.
What about Lee Merriweather? I forgot about Lee Merriweather.
I'm glad that's settled.
That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite Catwoman.
It's Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, - Eartha Kitt, Lee Merriweather - Please, I'm begging you.
Go to sleep.
I'm trying.
I'm counting Catwomen.
She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies, though.
- For God's sake.
- She's not my favorite of the X-Men.
In order that would be: Wolverine, Cyclops I forgot Professor X.
Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast-- No, wait, Nightcrawler.
Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, Storm, Angel I'm coming! There he is.
There my old buddy bud bud.
What's with him? Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn't get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up, so tag, you're it.
I'm ba-ack.
- I still don't know why you left.
- I can't tell you.
Why not? I promised Penny.
You promised Penny what? I wouldn't tell you the secret.
What secret? Tell me the secret.
Mom smokes in the car.
Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell Dad.
Not that secret.
The other secret.
- I'm Batman! - Damn it! Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret.
What's the secret? Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell Leonard.
I promise.
Penny lied about graduating from community college 'cause she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
So it's nothing I did? It's her problem? I drank milk that tasted funny.
Penny thinks I'm too smart for her.
That's ridiculous.
I know.
Most of your work is extremely derivative.
And don't worry, that's not a secret.
Everybody knows.
Hi.
Yeah, hi.
I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
What are you talking about? First, I wanna say that it's not Sheldon's fault.
He tried very hard to keep your secret.
If Howard hadn't drugged him, he would've taken it to his grave.
- He told you? - Yes, but it's okay.
Now that we know what the problem is there's a simple solution.
Pasadena City College? "A place for fun, a place for knowledge.
" This man here is playing hackey-sack, and this girl's gonna be a paralegal.
Oh, I get it.
Because Dr.
Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
It's really not that fancy.
It's just a city college.
Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you? That doesn't matter to me at all.
So it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Absolutely.
Okay, this time, I know where I went wrong.
Bite me!