Bob's Burgers s02e01 Episode Script

Dig, Gene! Show me the treasure! Maybe it's some tin foil and we can recycle it.
Maybe it's a shovel, and I won't have to dig with my hands.
Look! It's a watch! Ollie? How long have you been down there? Where's Andy? He was supposed to unbury me.
There you are! I've been digging all over for you! Is your brother around? He's over there playing with Zeke.
Okay, Jimmy Jr.
, put me in a crotch-lock and see if I can get out of it.
Zeke.
This is why I'm only friends with women.
- Pull the key out! - They're on the wrestling team together.
- Pull the key out! - I could help you practice, Jimmy Jr.
Tomorrow's good for me.
Thanks, but me and Zeke are going to watch them demolish that taffy factory tomorrow.
We're gonna watch it get blowed up.
Boom! - Scoop.
- Ow! Ah! Tina, Gene, let's go.
We've got a whole beach to comb.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm good.
Come on! Hah! Bobby, want to come over and watch the game tonight? I'm making a three-bean salad, but it's bring your own bean.
Can I put you down for garbanzo? No.
Nah, he can't.
Bob's got plans tonight.
Yeah, Teddy.
Um Sunday nights me and Linda have, uh, you know, an arrangement.
Oh! Scheduled sex.
Eh Do you want to borrow my Sade tape? Guess what we found with our metal detector? Another metal detector! Yay.
And I found this on the beach.
I think it could help me.
Ooh.
Passionfruit paperbacks.
Juicy! Too bad you kids can't take the metal detector over to Caffrey's taffy factory.
Find his secret treasure before they tear the place down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa ho, secret treasure? What are you, ah What are you talking about? Whoops, there I go again.
Divulging amazing secrets.
Yeah, my Uncle Paddy told me about it.
He used to work in Caffrey back in the '50s.
He was his maid.
Your Uncle Paddy was a maid? All maids were men back then.
Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
All right, girls! Go, girls! A big part of Paddy's job was dusting Caffrey's money.
Caffrey didn't make his money from candy, you know.
He was a bootlegger! I believe the term is leg-warmer.
No it is not, Gene.
Anyway, Caffrey ran liquor during Prohibition.
There are tunnels under the factory where they brought the booze in with boats at high tide.
And the tunnels were booby trapped to keep out the G-men Lousy Feds.
Rumor is Caffrey even made a bunch of taffy dummies to guard his operation.
Like the Terra Cotta Warriors of ancient China.
China.
Stick to noodles, right? - Is that racist? - Yes.
- A little bit.
- No.
Anyway, Caffrey didn't trust banks, so he hid all his gold down there in the tunnels.
Mm-hmm Uncle Paddy told me about it, and now I'm gonna tell you.
There's a secret elevator in the factory that takes you down to the tunnels underneath.
- Uh-huh.
Continue.
- Yep.
- Uh You follow the tunnel around the curve till you get to three stones, and then you take the tunnel that bends this way, and there's the treasure! It's a butt! Get it? A butt! With three turds! Eh, Paddy got me good with that one when I was a kid and now I'm paying it forward.
Eh Yeah, that's a That's a great one, Teddy.
Gold? He was a funny man, that Paddy.
Eh A funny male maid.
With a serious drinking problem and psoriasis.
Kids-only meeting.
Now.
I'll get Mom.
No, Ti-Tina! Kids! Listen, let's go get the taffy factory treasure! We've got the map! But it's just a butt! Teddy was just messing with our heads.
Men do that.
No, no, this might be real.
Think about it.
If you had the chance to make a treasure map in a shape what shape would you make it? - Butt.
Butt.
- Exactly! The factory's getting demolished tomorrow, so we have to go tonight.
You guys in? We doing this? I could move some things around.
Let's find butt treasure! Oh.
Well, I am done.
No more chewing for me.
Look at the time.
Yeah! I'm gonna sleep like a baby.
- A horny baby.
- Ooh.
Ah Great dinner, Mom.
You outdid yourself.
That was a great day all around.
One for the books.
I want to go to bed immediately before I spoil it and make it just a regular day.
That was easy.
That was easy.
Gene, you don't need to do that.
Their door is shut.
I know.
My belly itches.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
There it is, guys.
Caffrey's treasure is as good as ours.
And no one knows about it! What is Jimmy Jr.
doing here? I invited him.
What?! This book is gonna be my treasure map to Jimmy Jr.
's heart.
All I have to do is act like this damsel.
Hey, Tina.
Oh, sorry I got dirt on your leg.
Oh, my.
H-How will I ever get clean? - Um, hose it off? Yes.
See that fishtail, J-Ju? Zeke?! Jimmy Jr.
, you don't just invite someone without asking! Yeah! Yeah, we're in agreement on that, Tina! Okay, good.
Oh, Tina! Whoo! What are we waiting for? That factory's got windows and I got a passion for smashin'.
Heeyah! Anyone else coming? Just Andy, plus one.
That's Ollie.
We made it! I got a funcussion! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
That one didn't hurt.
Ow! Doofus, Brace-face, Dingle, Berry, Gas Tank, Blabbermouth.
Just so you know, we're not sharing the treasure with you, you, you and you.
Jimmy, the way the moonlight shines on your hair makes me feel so vulnerable.
Yeah it makes me feel like dancing! Yeah, J-Ju, faster! Abandoned warehouse! Pent-up feelings! Footloose it! Don't tell me not to dance, Dad! We need to find that secret elevator and get down to the gold.
I can taste every flavor from the past 60 years! I can taste the Korean War! I taste rust.
I taste Andy's spit! Come on! What? The elevator! This means Uncle Paddy was right! There's treasure down there! You're welcome.
Tonight's gonna be a little special.
I got a couple of surprises.
Not Teddy's Sade tape Dice? Sexy dice.
We roll them and they tell us what to do.
Okay.
Um, sounds sexy.
Ooh, let's "hug".
On the "chair.
" - So, you're gonna hug on a chair? - Mm-hmm.
Come.
That's, uh Come to Momma.
Ahh.
Oh! Get off.
Um oh.
Get off.
There we go, that's better.
Whew.
So that's it for that.
So how do we work this thing? What's this one do? Ah.
What's happening? It must be a booby trap! Pull a different lever! No rush.
Push the other way! Nang, nang, nang, nang, nang, nang, nang, nang nang oh, good ear massage.
Uh.
Oh, Bobby.
Aang, nang, nang, nang.
All right, let-let's see what we got next.
All right? I'm gonna roll.
Ugh.
I got "lick" "foot" again.
- Lick it like you like it.
- No.
- Lick it like you like it.
- No more lick foot.
- Lick it like you like it.
Lick - No more lick foot.
This little piggy goes all the way home.
Hey, let's give these dice a little help.
Let's do this and this.
That's weird.
Well, it's about to get weirder with this and this.
No, it's just, do you hear the kids? Huh.
They're never this quiet.
I'm gonna go check on them.
Aw! I knew he didn't take out the garbage.
Tina.
- Bobby, they're gone! - What do you mean, "they're gone"? They're not here.
I got Tina's diary.
Let's see if it says anything.
Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory.
Also, if boys had utuses they'd be called duderuses.
Duderuses.
- Bob! They went to the taffy factory! We gotta get them! Really? Yes.
All right.
Bringing you guys along was a big mistake.
Between you inviting half of the town, and you pushing and licking everything in sight like an animal You guys are a burden you are dead weight! What are you doing now, Gene? I'm being courteous! I'm using the fart escape.
There's an opening there? Yeah.
But it's full of farts.
I can fit through there and shimmy down those ropes.
I am ditching you dipsticks.
Wait! We can fit through there too, and Ollie can see in the dark.
And Andy knows all the capitals.
Albany, Montgomery, Juneau, Phoenix, - Boston, Montpelier, Helena, Boise - Brr, it sure is cold in here.
I wish some strong, chivalrous man would lend me his jacket.
Or pants Ow.
Wash 'em before you return 'em! The treasure's in the crack of the ass, and it's close.
I can smell it.
Okay, I need one of you in front of me and one of you behind me at all times, in case there are booby traps.
Booby, booby, booby, booby.
Booby, booby, booby, booby, booby.
Sph! Sph! Zip it! Zip it! Oh! Nice try, Caffrey.
Would one of you be a lamb and pull that string? Oop.
Oh.
It was nothing.
Was nothing.
Well, that was probably more menacing back in the day.
This thing's stuck.
What should we do now, Jimmy Jr? You're smart.
While you guys keep on blabbity blabbity blabbity blabbity blabbity, I'm getting outta here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You go.
Come on, J-Ju.
Saddle up! Okay.
I mean, hell yeah! Let's do it to this! No! I I mean let's all go! Come on, Gene! I just got comfortable.
It took me five minutes to cross my legs.
Now! Ugh.
I'm okay.
He's gone.
I thought Jimmy Jr.
and I would have a romantic night in the sewer together, like Fabrizio and Fay.
Tina, honey, it's pretty obvious Jimmy Jr.
's not into you.
And I'm usually not that good at picking up on vibes.
Did you know Mom and Dad were a thing? Damn it, Ollie! - I'm Andy.
- Damn it, Andy! Louise, which way did you go? - Oh, you can't tell? - That's too bad! Don't follow me! You'd just fall into every single booby trap that has ever Every single trap that's ever been what? Hm.
Silent treatment.
Kind of weird to start in the middle of a sentence, but whatever.
Oh my God, Bobby, I hope we find the kids before they hurt themselves.
Oh, oh.
Quit poking me with that thing.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
I don't understand why is it still here? Well I may have slipped a penis pill into your casserole.
Surprise.
What? Wh-Why? Sometimes you want to ride a roller coaster twice and you don't want to wait in line.
That's crazy.
Where where'd you get it? Ginger.
She does it with Tony all the time.
I want to be edgy like them.
Pill-popping sex freaks.
Well, what am I supposed to do with this now? That thing made the kids; Maybe it can find them.
- Where are they? - You know, come on, get out of there.
Come on.
Where are they? Show me, girl.
Wait.
Why is it a girl? 'Cause it's a pretty brunette, like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Oh, crap.
Andy! Ollie! Go get help! We're on it! Montgomery, Harrisburg, Las Vegas! That's not a capital! What? I couldn't hear you.
Las Vegas is not a capital of Nevada.
I didn't say Las Vegas.
What'd you say? Oh, just go! Go! Don't tell anyone.
Okay.
Nothing to get freaked out about.
My arm's not stuck in a crevice, so I don't need to cut it off like that impatient idiot.
I just cannot stop banging things down here.
The acoustics are great.
Tina, what song is this? "Aqua Boogie" by P-Funk? Yes! Wow.
Hey.
Hey, you.
Tough guy! You want a piece of me? Sticky.
Are you made of taffy? Huh.
There you go.
Not so scary, huh, Taff? Just you and me now a girl and her taffy giant.
Classic.
Louise! Nice echo.
When I say Gene, you say Gene.
Gene! Gene! Gene? Ugh.
Is that what my voice sounds like? Kids, where are you? We're down here.
How did you find us? Because we're your parents and we know everything.
Did you read my diary? Yes.
Are you okay? Where's Louise? I don't hear Louise.
We don't know.
She ditched us, and then she ditched us some more.
It hurt even more the second time.
Uh, did you take this elevator down? Yes, but then we broke it.
Well, we'll just jump down to the top and figure it out from there.
We figured it out.
You okay? How's your penis? It's okay.
Mine's a nightmare, if anyone's wondering.
Taff, you're not helping.
Squishy bastard.
Is everyone around me useless? I have to do everything? Okay, I see.
Another Taff tantrum, right on schedule.
Big news Taff is upset! Everybody gather round! Sorry, Taff.
I didn't mean it.
You said things, I said things.
Friends? Louise! I can't believe you snuck out, and I I still don't understand why you guys split up.
She went to find the treasure by herself because we're "a burden.
" Gene, what did I tell you about finger quotes? Not to "do" them.
But ironic detachment is great.
Nothing means anything! Hey, up here! Who the hell is that? We went to get help.
I got more blood in my head than a skeeter on a peter.
Oh, my God.
You really do.
All right, hang on a I'll get you guys down.
Jimmy, you're looking well.
I've been fine.
Okay, where's Louise? And that's why I ditched my brother and sister.
Don't look at me with your judgmental, hollow eyeholes.
What?! Gene and Tina were a liability.
This is a treasure hunt! This is a professional operation! You would have left them, too.
Well, you weren't there, were you? If they're so great, how come they haven't found me yet? Huh? Huh? Huh?! Louise! Down here! Don't, don't, don't, don't! No one likes an I-told-you-so.
Oh, thank God.
We'll get you out, baby! Are you all right, Louise? We're fine! Who's "we"? Me and Taff! Let's just call the fire department, right? There's no service.
I hate this freaking phone, Bobby.
Lin, we're underground.
You can't blame the phone.
What, do you work for the phone company now? Bob's Phone Company? What, are you going to beat me up? Get me out of here! - Sorry, Louise.
- Yeah, sorry.
I have a cheap phone, so you're going to have to stay in there - for the rest of your life.
- Your mother was arguing about the phone.
Yeah, I did a walk-through.
I did it twice.
We're good.
Get me out of here! Okay.
Louise, calm down.
Listen, you're not in any danger.
What was that? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no! Oh, my God.
Maybe it's an earthquake.
Maybe the neighbors are just moving furniture around.
We should probably pray.
Uh, dear God, this is Tina from school.
I just peed Andy's pants.
Warm, warm, warm, cold.
Oh, crap.
They started the demolition! Hey, so my friend had a three-bean salad party, but it was bring your own bean.
Who does that? Don't worry, Louise! We're going to get you out! How are we going to get her out? Maybe we should smoke her out.
Louise, are you sure there isn't something down there you can use to climb out? Oh, wait! Here's a grappling hook! Oh, and here's an escalator! - Silly me! - We're about to die, Louise.
Do you really want your last words to be sarcastic? No! I got it let's all spit in the pit.
Then she can swim to safety.
Right, J-Ju? We're all gonna die! Stupid book.
I'm sick of acting like a dumb, helpless girl just so a hot boy who dances his feelings will notice me.
That's not who I am.
I'm a smart, strong, sensual woman.
Oh, God.
Now, here's how we'll get Louise out.
We'll make a ladder.
Everyone, lock your arms like this.
The person underneath puts their legs through, and you use your core strength to do the work.
Um, my core is super ticklish, so - I don't know, Tina.
- No, it'll work.
I saw Jimmy Jr.
and Zeke do it in wrestling practice.
Hey, those practices are closed! I'm aware of that, Zeke.
I'm the reason they're closed.
All right, let's try it.
Louise, grab Gene's hands.
Can't reach them! Nobody say anything Louise looks really different.
What is that? This is Taff.
He's a booby trap that became much more than that.
Everybody run! Why is Taff stuck on Dad? Well, sometimes, when a man loves a woman very much Oh, crap.
Dead end? Ugh.
If I'm going to die, I'm going to play "Aqua Boogie" one last time.
Hiyah! Gene, not now.
Wait.
That sounds hollow.
Hit it again, Gene, harder.
Daylight! Everybody, through here.
We made it.
We're safe.
Um, lots of people out here.
Whoa.
Your sex night took a weird turn, huh, Bobby? Daddy! Andy? Ollie? Hey, I thought you guys were with your mother.
You came for us! I'm just here to watch the demolition.
You know, I mean, yes, I came for you.
I'm a great father.
All right, off, off, off, off, off.
You're wrinkling my belt.
You know what, Tina? Strong girls are hot.
Put it on a T-shirt, Jimmy Jr.
I don't want to hear it.
Just when I think I'm out, those cheeks pull me right back in.
Get off me, you wuss.
Ah, looks like you finally got the starch out of your shirt.
Yeah.
Finally.
Aw, what a waste.
Well, we'll try it next Sunday.
Please don't drug me again.
We'll see.
Tina, Gene, Taff made me realize I was a little hard on you two.
I said you were useless dead weight, but I was so wrong.
Tina, you got me out of that booby trap.
And Gene, you actually banged us to freedom.
I can't take all the credit.
I'd like to thank this brick and Questlove.
I'm sorry I was mean to you guys.
Eh, I just figured you were having female troubles.
What are female troubles? I love you, too, Louise.
Aw.
And, Taff, what are the words? I love you.
You're going to live with me now.
You're not taking that filthy thing home.
Yeah, you're right.
Well, I guess there wasn't any treasure.
This butt was just a joke after all.
Maybe the journey was the treasure.
Teddy was right About the treasure In the butt The next day you will see Taff is washed up on the beach And oh, my God, is that a gold bar? The wave just washed him out far The kids didn't look close enough In the taffy butt You have a taffy butt There's treasure in that butt I want that taffy butt Ay yi yi yi yi Taffy butt It's such a taffy butt There's gold there in that butt Give me some taffy butt Ay yi yi yi yi Taffy butt Oh, I want the taffy butt Give me, give me Give me some taffy butt Ay yi yi yi yi.