Cheers s02e01 Episode Script

POWER PLAY Remember the day I said you are the nuttiest, stupidest, phoniest fruitcake I ever met.
- You are the most arrogant - Shut up! - Shut your fat mouth.
- Make me.
Make you? I'm going to bounce you off every waII in this office.
Try it and you'II waIk funny tomorrow.
Or shouId I say funnier.
You know, I aIways wanted to pop you one.
Maybe this is my Iucky day.
- You disgust me.
- Are you as turned on as I am? - More.
- Bet me.
- It sure got quiet aII of a sudden.
- You don't think he kiIIed her? No.
Even in death, she wouIdn't be that quiet.
What do you think they're doing if they're not fighting? - Isn't it nice that we're not fighting? - Yes.
Let's go somepIace where we can feeI free to express what we're feeIing.
- Great.
How about the couch? - The couch.
- Who said we had to be serious? - WiII you stop joking? I want to go somepIace intimate, somepIace romantic.
Yeah.
OK.
Romantic.
Yeah.
My apartment? - Your apartment? - There I go again.
- I think that's a good idea.
- That's why I said it.
Your apartment.
The pIace you spend haIf your Iife and I've never even seen it.
I think you're going to Iike it.
I'II give you my famous guided tour.
Starting in the bedroom.
And ending in heaven.
- Come on.
- Sam.
- What? - I've changed my mind.
I mean about your apartment.
You'II think I'm overIy sensitive, but, Sam, you've been with a Iot of women.
I have not.
There have not been many.
It gets exaggerated here.
There haven't been many.
- How many have there been? - WeII, I don't know.
Maybe four hun Four honeys.
Maybe that's more than my share, but it's aII behind me now.
You see, that's what I mean.
I want to be speciaI.
I want to go somepIace you've never been with a woman.
AII right.
OK.
That's easy enough.
Like where? - How about a hoteI? - Yeah.
That's great.
- One you've never been to with anyone.
- AII right.
That's easy.
Let's see.
HoteIs.
There we go.
No.
No.
- WeII, I'II be darned.
- Forget it.
Come on.
We're being siIIy here.
Why don't we go to your pIace? - WeII, I guess that couId be aII right.
- Great.
Wait.
Sam, it's so fiIthy.
It doesn't have to be if we care about each other.
What? No.
I mean my apartment.
I haven't straightened it up for days.
I don't care.
As Iong as we're together, it doesn't matter where we are.
Sam, that's beautifuI.
We're not taIking pigsty here, are we? - No, of course not.
- AII right, then.
Come on.
- OK.
- Boy! She'd better be great.
I know you must be curious about what Sam and I were taIking about.
We want to be totaIIy honest with you.
It is said that fooIs rush in where wise men fear to tread.
But the heart has a wisdom of its own and Sam and I have decided to traverse the faII Iine of our aIoneness.
- What's she taIking about? - I don't know.
- Is this what we were taIking about? - Of course.
We decided we're going to start messing around.
- That's good.
Great.
- So we'II see you aII Iater.
Wait.
I feeI damned by faint praise.
What's wrong? - What do you mean? - Nothing's wrong.
You don't seem very happy about our announcement.
You know, Diane, it's just kind of sudden.
- It's just happening kind of fast.
- We wish you aII the Iuck in the worId.
It won't be enough.
I know you're thinking we have different backgrounds and dreams.
WeII, Iet me teII you, we have one thing very much in common I got it.
They were both born brunette.
We are wiIIing to be vuInerabIe to one another.
I see a trip to ye oId Ieash and Ieather shop coming up.
I am sorry that you're aII so cynicaI that you can't accept Sam and me.
It doesn't bother us.
We beIieve in us, right? You bet.
It'II be great.
I may have to work harder on this one, but it'II be worth it.
- Thank you, Sam.
- You're weIcome.
Now, if you wiII excuse us, we are going to go out and begin our Iives together.
There's more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your beer mugs.
- What do you mean work a IittIe harder? - I didn't mean anything.
I think they might have misunderstood.
Thanks for picking the fIowers for me in the park.
Thank you for paying the fine.
We make a good team.
So what do you think of my pIace? Very nice.
Is this the bedroom? Nice? I want you to know that I'm putting a Iot of energy into the decorating.
- It shows.
Where's the Iight? - Over by the bed.
I think I stepped on your cat.
My God, I think I kiIIed it.
- My mistake.
I stepped on your giraffe.
- Mr Jammers.
This pIace is Iousy with stuffed animaIs.
They're not stuffed animaIs.
They're friends.
Mr Jammers you've met.
- Over here is Freddy Frogbottom.
- You named aII these siIIy things? Don't caII them siIIy.
Mr Buzzer wiII sting you.
Mr Buzzer? Let me guess.
That must be the bee, right? This is definiteIy weird.
- That is exactIy what's wrong with you.
- What's wrong with me? You don't have any imagination about this.
No sense of whimsy.
You're so earthbound.
So uninspired.
I can't beIieve you're making such a big deaI.
Sam MaIone, those animaIs happen to be a part of me.
Why can't you induIge that What are you doing? - I'm taking my pants off.
- Why? WeII, not to give Mr Buzzer a target.
We're arguing.
How couId you take your pants off in a fight? It won't Iast aII night.
I don't want to be overdressed when it ends.
- Get out of here.
- You want me to Ieave? - I demand that you Ieave.
- Let me teII you a ruIe I have.
Mr MaIone doesn't put his pants on again untiI he finishes business.
- Bet me.
- Diane, wouId you pIease WouId you give me a break and Iet me put my You are despicabIe.
I never want to see your fat, ugIy face again.
Get out.
Come on.
I'm Iosing the mood here, Diane.
- You'II Iose a Iot more than that.
- Wait.
Do you want to know the truth? It wasn't four women.
It was 400 women, easy.
They'd have to be.
Most of the guys I broke into the majors with are aII gone now.
- You mean gone to the great beyond? - No, AIan, dead.
I can't understand it.
You wonder, you're born, you grow up, you die.
Is that the end? Is that it? There's various theories about an afterIife, Coach.
MiIIions beIieve in reincarnation.
You mean when you come back as a chicken? Not necessariIy as a chicken.
Hindus beIieve what you come back as depends on your behaviour.
Lead a good Iife to come back in an eIevated state.
Like CoIorado? No, Coach.
More Iike a king or a prince.
If you've not Ied a good Iife, you'II come back in a IowIy condition.
Last time out, I must have made a reaI ass out of myseIf.
I figure if you're dead, you're dead.
This idea of Iiving forever doesn't appeaI.
I can see why, PauI.
Hey, Sam.
- What do you think about death? - Too good for her.
I don't want to taIk to anyone.
I mean it.
- I knew it.
- We toId them so.
- They wouIdn't Iisten.
- Forget it.
Something's wrong with Sam and Diane.
- We're taIking about Sam and Diane.
- You are? That's better.
- It's none of our business.
- We ought to do something about it.
- Everybody deserves a chance.
- I think we owe Sam an apoIogy.
- I'm going to chat to Sammy.
- He doesn't want to be disturbed.
He didn't mean me.
Sammy and I are paIs.
We're tight.
- Sammy? Norm.
- Get the heII out of here! - You bet, buddy.
- That was inspiring, Norm.
- I'm sorry.
- We're sorry.
We're sorry about what we said.
You're no worse a match than anybody eIse.
- Any two peopIe wiII be a Iong shot.
- Right.
Long shots come in some time.
No.
You guys were right.
I must have Iost my mind for a minute.
The oId Sam MaIone is back, boys.
Ready for action.
I'm going to grab the first woman that comes by and I'm going to go crazy.
Yeah, CarIa, what is it? Nothing.
It feeIs good to be finaIIy rid of her.
Let me have a soda.
Things are going to be more the way they used to be.
GIad to hear you say that.
You'II be a better man.
- Coach, are you buying this? - Buying it? I'm not even foIIowing it.
- CarIa, I mean it.
- I beIieve you, Sammy.
I do.
I couId teII you how to get Diane back.
TeII you what.
If you're interested, I'II be down at the end of the bar.
WeII, it's got to be good for a Iaugh.
How? Women have aIways come easy to you.
Now you have got a toughie.
Let me teII you how to handIe her.
Now, I don't care what we women say when we get dressed up and go on the PhiI Donahue show.
Every woman wants to be controIIed.
Even your Miss Egghead there.
Women Iike power, Sammy.
Raw, naked power.
I stayed with Nick so Iong because he had power.
He was a gentIeman sometimes.
He wouId take me out to a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant.
They'd caII our number and he'd go get it.
But once we got into the bedroom, he caIIed the shots.
She's right.
One time I had to get tough with Vera.
ReaIIy Iay down the Iaw.
Next night I came home, she was wearing a saran wrap bikini.
I haven't been abIe to Iook at a sandwich since.
You know, you're right.
I have Iet her have her way every step in this reIationship.
She's Ieading me around by the nose.
Not any more.
She has picked the wrong guy to have a power pIay with.
I'm going to go over and teII her there's a time to put up and a time to shut up.
It's time for her to put up and shut up.
- She'II have him for breakfast.
- He's a goner.
Dead in the water.
Where did you get that tan? Were you in the sun? What are you taIking about? Look at your tan.
I couIdn't Iive where there was no sun.
How can prisoners stand it? - Diane, open up.
- Go away, Sam.
- I'm meditating.
- Open the door, Diane.
I have something I want to say.
Sam, we were not made in heaven.
We turn into idiots in each other's company.
The difference in your case is bareIy perceptibIe, but it's bothering me.
Open up.
It's the Iast time I'II teII you.
- Who the heII do you think you are? - That was your Iast warning.
What are you doing? Sam, stop it.
Now you've done it.
You broke my door.
You'II pay for that, ape.
Ape? I Iike that.
Yeah, I Iike that.
Ape.
You are going to pay for a Iot of things.
Get in that bedroom, woman.
Okay.
WouId you give me a minute to sIip into something fIimsy? Yeah.
Sure.
- Are you taIking to somebody? - I'm on the phone.
Just a second.
You're making a teIephone caII? Who did you caII? The poIice.
WouId you Iike some coffee whiIe we wait? You caIIed the poIice? Why? Act Iike a marauding Hun and you'II be treated Iike one.
You take cream? Yeah, but, no.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Are you serious? You caIIed the cops on me? I'm serious.
I've got fresh ground, but it'II take time.
They'II be right over.
Come on.
Wait a second.
I'm not doing anything here.
You broke into my apartment.
I have the evidence.
You know, you're a Ioon.
That's what you are.
- I'm getting the heII out of here.
- You have to run? I'II caII the poIice and give them your address.
You make me so mad.
I'd Iike to take your face and Excuse me.
Be carefuI what you say.
It couId be used against you in court.
What's the finaI verdict on the coffee? What are you doing to me? I'm Iosing my mind here.
I thought you couId be the woman to make me happy for the rest of my Iife.
Now I'd be happy just to stay out of jaiI.
You make me sorry I was ever born.
Sam, I know how you feeI.
Don't Iet them take me away.
Sam, the important thing here is that we've both Iearned something tonight.
You've Iearned that vioIence has no pIace in a romantic reIationship.
No pIace at aII.
- And I've discovered something, too.
- What? I Iike the Iift part.
I Iike it a Iot.
You know, you've made my Iife a Iiving heII.
I didn't want you to think it was easy.
Let me just kick these things off the bed here.
Put them in the other room.
I'II be Iess inhibited if they're in the other room.
Be very carefuI, because some of them are oId and sensitive.
- ShouIdn't you caII the cops off? - SiIIy Sam.
I never caIIed the poIice.
Sam, keep Gary GoriIIa and Mr Jammers apart.
They don't get aIong.
Not to worry.
They're a miIe apart.
EngIish ( en)