Everybody Hates Chris s02e01 Episode Script

Keisha was the first girl I ever really cared about.
Even though she never really cared aut me.
When I found out her family was moving, I was sad to see her go.
Hey, where y'all moving to? We're going to this place in California.
It's supposed to be really, really nice.
Palm trees and lawns and no violence and no crime.
Well, what's it called? Compton.
I always wondered how that worked out for them? Bust a cap in 'em! Get down, Keisha! Get down, girl, get down! So, you miss Keisha? Do you mean do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated? Yeah, sort of.
Why don't you just hang out with somebody else? I don't like anyone else.
And nobody else liked me.
Hey, who's that? That's just Yvette.
She lives around the corner.
You know, she's kind of cute.
Man, you don't want to mess with her.
The first girl you ever like is always tough to get over.
She holds a special place in your heart.
So I decided to lower my standards.
I heard she'll go out with anybody.
Really? Now that's my kind of girl.
Since I didn't want to make the same mistakes with Yvette that I made with Keisha, I needed a different approach.
What do you know about her? Nothing much.
Just that she's supposed to go out with a lot of different types of guys.
Perfect.
You should do something simple.
Something you haven't tried before.
I can't just walk up to her and ask her out.
Have you tried it? - Not yet.
- The worst she can say is no.
- Okay then, let's try it.
- Try what? You'll be Yvette and I'll ask you out.
Brokeback Hallway.
- Right here? - It was your idea.
You going to help me or not? Fine.
Hurry up.
Hey, Yvette.
So, you want to go out with me sometime? No, you skinny black bum.
I thought the worst you could say was no.
I was improvising.
Well, you know, since you're making stuff up couldn't you have said yes? He wasn't my type anyway.
We had only been living in Bed-Stuy for a year when the crime rate started to go through the roof.
In the late '90s, they had the Internet boom, but in the '80s, we had the crack boom.
It used to take years to become a junkie, but crack cut that down to 37 minutes.
Even on my block, things were starting to get out of control.
The muggers were getting mugged.
Let me hold a quarter.
What's up, little man? Let me hold a dollar right quick.
I'll take that quarter, too.
But Our new next door neighbor was Louise Clarkson.
She hated our neighborhood, and was intent on doing something about it.
Well, I can see we're both very busy, so I'll just get to the point.
I'm starting a neighborhood block watch.
Why do we need a block watch? In case you haven't noticed, crime is running rampant in this neighborhood.
No, it's not.
This block is fine.
Burglaries are up, assaults, murders.
Is that fine? I don't know what block, you've been on, but this block is okay, but thank you for stopping by.
Well, thank you.
Uh, something on your teeth.
I'll see myself out.
Okay.
Love the couch.
Neighborhood block watch.
My mother didn't want to accept that things were getting worse until someing happened to us.
Rochelle! What? I'm in here.
My truck got stolen! What?! Oh, no! I could get fired for this.
Well, baby, are you sure it's stolen? Maybe you just forgot where you parked it.
Rochelle, it's not keys, it's a truck.
Even if I forgot where I parked it, you can still see it, 'cause it's a truck! Well, don't get mad at me.
You act like I stole it.
That's it.
I'm starting a block watch.
That sounds like a good idea.
As soon as I finish this toe.
My mother was a ghetto snob, so to her, this wasn't just a block watch meeting.
It was a Rochelle watch meeting.
What's all this? Food for the block watch meeting.
You're supposed to be watching the block, not feeding it.
Julius, I can't invite people over here without feeding them.
People in my neighborhood never got together without bringing food.
Oh, I am so sorry you got run over by a truck.
But I brought you some ribs.
My baby! They killed my baby.
I'm sorry about your baby.
Catfish? And besides, how do you expect people to fight crime when they're hungry? How do you expect me to feed people when I'm broke? What you say? You smell smoke? Asking Greg out was one thing, but Yvette was a wholenother story.
When you ask a girl out, you've got to have your game together.
Chris, look, a woman got a lot of choices, so you got to show her something that separates you from the other guys.
Well, I've got the perfect thing for you- Drakkar Noir.
Drives the ladies wild.
Four dollars.
You can't sell that in here.
Why not? 'Cause I'll break your other arm.
Here, try this one.
Yeah.
That's just five dollars.
F? What? Five? Here come your lady, young blood.
- See you later, okay? - Okay.
You're Yvette, right? I'm Chris.
Hi.
What's that smell? That's my cologne.
That's nice.
Thanks.
Well, you know, I've seen you around the block and thought you were kind of cute.
Thank you.
So, I was wondering if maybe you can go out this weekend? Go out? - Yeah, to the movies or something.
- You paying? I've seen that look before.
It usually led to this.
Wait.
What do you want to go and do this for? Why? Okay.
I said this All right, then.
but I felt like this: The toughest part about getting a block watch was finding people who had stuff worth watching.
All right, now, the most important part of the Block Watch program is communication.
So if you see anything, you have to file a report.
Without information, not a lot your local police can do.
Okay, well, what type of information? Like if you see somebody stealing my couch, tell me.
Excuse me.
Translation- "What you say, heifer?" - Excuse me? Excuse you.
- Who are you? Who are you? Oh, girl, that's Louise.
- She just moved in next d - I beg your pardon.
I'm sitting right here.
I'm Louise.
I just moved in next door, and this was my idea.
By the way, in my old neighborhood, we didn't have these problems.
She told her.
- Where are you from? - Queens.
Oh, Queens.
Very lovely there.
Do you know the Jacobsons? - The black Jacobs? - No the white ones.
- The ones with the restaurant? - Yeah.
Excuse me, can we talk abo this neighborod, Brooklyn? - All right.
- Touchy.
Now, what's very important, also, in the Block Watch program is, if you are away from your house for any extended period of time In Bed-Stuy, that's 12 minutes.
you must alert the other Block Watch members.
And they will watch your property.
Correct.
Nicely done.
Like let's say one of you is on your way to Florida Florida? The closest my family came to Florida, was watching Esther Rolle on Good Times.
Now I get it.
Then the rest of us can watch out for their house.
I'll take the night shift.
All right.
Another very important part of a Block Watch program is awareness, huh? And that's why you have these.
These are stickers, and these are gonna in your window.
These stickers will be seen by the offenders, and then they will be less likely to offend.
You mean steal? Correct.
Nicely done.
Well, why she get a button? Stickers? You think that's gonna keep people from coming into the house and hitting me over the head, 'cause I got a sticker in the window? If she wasn't so damn evil, nobody would be trying to hit her over the head.
Excuse me? You're excused.
All right, now, you need to elect a Block Watch captain.
Okay.
All right.
I think I should be the Block Watch captain.
And why is that? Well, because I'm the only one on the block who doesn't need watching.
No.
It was my husband's truck that got stolen.
Yes, well, if you had done what I asked you to do, which was start the neighborhood See, the problem is, you're new to the neighborhood, okay? Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Let's put it to a vote.
- Please.
- Okay.
- Who made the pie? - I did.
I nominate Rochelle to be the first Block Watch captain.
No.
You cannot nominate because she made some pie.
- It's some good pie.
- Shut up.
- All right, all in favor? - You like my pie? Aye.
The ayes have it.
I came up with this idea.
I don't see why I am not the Block Watch captain.
Because we voted, and the pie lady won.
Okay, fine.
Now when you all come home to your apartments, and there's nothing there except a pie, we all know who to talk to- the Block Watch captain, and we'll say, "Where were you, Block Watch Captain?" She'll say, "I've been making pie.
" I do not talk like that.
Any questions, any questions? I have one.
So, what type of places would you consider to be the most vulnerable? Like, say an offender was gonna break into somebody's house.
Who would be the best victim? That's a very good question.
No, it's not.
You just break into a house where nobody's home.
That's right.
Cool.
I got to go.
With a four second head start, Jerome stole four stereos.
My mother wasn't the only one helping out the community.
At school, Drew volunteered to be a Patrol Boy, which is just a fancy name for crossing guard.
Okay, go.
Hey, Drew, can you help me cross? Sure.
Thanks, Drew.
If this had been me, here's how it would have gone.
Because I was going on a date for the first time, everyone had a helpful suggestion.
Be sure to compliment her on her shoes.
- Girls like that.
- Shoes, right.
Tell her you got a job.
Girls like that more.
Job, I got it.
And hold a piece of gum under your tongue and let it soak - so your breath won't stink.
- Okay, gum.
Oh, yeah, and if the movie is sad, don't cry.
She'll think you're a punk.
It's Footloose.
I ain't gonna cry.
Oh, baby, have a good time.
But not too good a time, 'cause you know I'm not raising no babies.
Enjoy yourself.
This is half off on a soda and box of Jujubes.
Thanks.
Oh, what the hell.
Here's a coupon for a free box of popcorn.
The last time my father gave man an extra coupon was when I gave him a get-one coupon, get-one-coupon-free coupon.
Have a good time.
You look good, man.
That's my boy.
Standing there waiting for Yvette was one of the best feelings I'd had.
But after 15 minutes, I thought, "Maybe the buses are running late.
" After 30 minutes, I thought, "Maybe the bus broke down.
" After an hour, I thought, "Maybe the bus got in an accident, "skidded through the guardrail, exploded in midair, and ended up at the bottom of the East River.
" After the movie was over, I thought, "Maybe she never got on that bus at all.
" To this day, I can't make it through Footloose without crying.
That's a * man.
Did she say what happened? I haven't heard from her.
Why do girls do junk like that? I don't know what to tell you.
Greg and I had the same conversation last night and he still didn't know what to tell me.
That sucks.
Man, I don't know how you made it to school today.
Stood up, out there on the street, talk about embarrassing.
If I were you, I'd be so depressed, I'd be standing on top of the Brooklyn Bridge with a hundred pounds of rocks tied around my ankles and a bag of rats wrapped around my head, - ready to jump - Okay, I get it.
Forget about it, man.
You're a nice guy.
Aren't you the same one who called me a little black bum? Like I said, I was improvising.
If it makes you feel any better, I would have shown up.
That didn't mean anything.
Greg once showed up at a sneaker-string taste test.
I'm watching you! Because my mother was the Block Watch captain, if anything happened in the neighborhood, Miss Louise made sure she heard about it.
They're spraying graffiti downstairs.
I'll file a report.
There's a mad dog chasing people! I'll file a report.
Somebody stole my mail.
I'll file a report.
I can't find my glasses.
I'll file a report.
Larry and them coming.
I'll file a report.
Being stood up was bad enough, so I didn't want to tell anybody.
Listen, you ever hear of Whodini? Ecstasy and Jalil? Yeah.
Yeah, I got a couple of tickets.
I thought the show was about the magician.
- You want 'em? - Yeah.
Maybe you can take your girl.
I don't think so.
- Why not? - She stood me up.
I was standing outside the theater for two hours and she never shed up.
What? You gonna let her treat you that way and get away with it? Listen, if I was you, I'd go find that girl, take her by the hair and shake her like an Etch-A-Sketch.
Doc lives alone.
She does owe me an explanation.
Now you're talking.
Well, here's your chance.
Hey, Chris.
Oh, hey, what happened to you yesterday? That's right.
We were supposed to go see Footloose.
I totally forgot.
I didn't know it then, but, for years to come, I dated an awful lot of women with amnesia.
Oh, that's right.
We're supposed to go to the prom together.
I totally forgot.
That's right.
We were supposed to do something for your birthday.
Totally forgot.
Oh, that's right.
I was supposed to give you a kidney.
Boy, I forgot all about you.
Until I got famous, I never met a woman that could remember anything.
So, maybe we can go Saturday.
This Saturday? I can't.
I have a piano lesson.
Are you free Sunday? I have to go clean house.
Too bad.
I got these Whodini tickets for Sunday afternoon at the park.
For real? Yeah, right here.
You know what? Maybe I can go.
So I'll see you Sunday then? All right.
Sunday.
What? That girl is not interested in you.
She's interested in your tickets.
- Think so? - She's an opportunist.
She goes with whoever has the best deal.
She only agreed to go out with you because she didn't have anything better to do.
That's how I ended up married for three years.
I don't Yvette's like that.
Want to make a bet? While I was trying to get a girl's attention, girls were trying to get Drew's attention.
- I feel so safe with you here.
- Thanks.
Drew, this is all for you.
What are you doing? - Drew.
- Drew.
Oh, man! Drew's corner was crawling with more girls than Usher's garbage can.
I didn't want to believe Doc was right about Yvette, so I decided to see for myself.
Hey, Yvette.
Yeah, it's Chris.
- Hi.
- Listen, about those tickets, yeah.
- I found out they were fake.
- For real? But you know, we can still go out to a movie.
Yeah, I found out there's this new movie Hello? The number you have reached has been disconnected.
Maybe a bus crashed into her phone.
Rochelle.
Yes, Louise.
- I need stickers.
- What? Stickers.
I've been up and down this block.
I've looked in every window and there are no stickers.
How do we expect offenders not to offend if there are no stickers? I'll get you some stickers, Louise.
Thank you.
Baby, that's nine cent worth of tape.
Hi, Julius.
So sorry about your truck.
I can't believe they stole it right off the street.
It was right here.
- Right here? - Right here.
Next to the fire hydrant? They must have just put that there.
Well, it probably wouldn't have happened if it had had a sticker on it.
I like her.
What? Matches Hey, Chris.
Hey, can I talk to your for a minute? I hope she doesn't have something better to do.
What? How come you didn't tell me you just didn't want to go out with me instead of dissing me like that? Like what? Like leaving me out in front of the movie theater like a fool.
Like saying you want to go with me to go see Whodini then hanging up in my face? You said the tickets were fake.
I thought you re going because you wanted to go out with me.
Why'd you even agree to go out with me in the first place? Because I didn't have anything better to do.
Why didn't you say that? I was trying not to hurt your feelings.
Well, you know, you really suck at that.
Well, what do you want me to do? You know what? Nothing.
I asked Yvette out after I got famous.
She stood me up and went out with Chris Tucker.
You handled that like a man, Chris.
You still got those tickets? Yeah.
Why? I got this young honey on the line and she loves rap.
Have fun.
You know I will.
Man, the first time I asked a girl to go out with me and this happens.
Hey, at least it ended better than this.
After a week of being captain of the Block Watch, my mother was going down with the ship.
I heard a noise in my house.
I heard a noise in my house, too, and it's you at my damn door! Well, you are the Block Watch captain.
No, no, I'm not.
You win! You win! Here, here, you want to be the Block Watch captain, be the Block Watch captain.
Well, only if you're absolutely sure.
Here's the rest of the piece of the pie! All right, we gonna see who's watching the block now.
What are you doing? I'm quitting the Patrol Boys.
Why? Girls are crazy.
No truer words have ever been spoken.
After getting put down by Keisha and stood up by Yvette, I was through having crushes on girls in the neighborhood, and I meant it.
Oh, hi.
You must be Chris.
Uh, scratch that.
Hey.
Who are you? I'm Tasha.
Stay away from my granddaughter, you cockeyed hooligan.
Turns out older women didn't like me either.