Frasier s02e01 Episode Script

Hello, Steven, I'm listening.
'We're having a baby and there seems to be different advice 'about whether it's OK to let your kid get into bed with you in the morning.
' Stop right there, Steven.
It's OK.
All relationships require close and undivided attention, don't they, Roz? Uh-huh.
'What if you and your wife enjoy making love in the mornings? ' Trust me, after the baby comes, that won't be an issue any more.
This is Dr Frasier Crane on KACL.
We'll be back after these messages.
Roz, how can you be reading now? It's something I picked up in elementary school, and it stuck.
- What is so captivating? - "Slow Tango In South Seattle".
Every woman I see is carrying that book.
It's impossible to put down.
Read the first paragraph.
I guarantee you'll be hooked.
"There are tangos that come flowing from the wine-coloured sea "from the rust of a hundred sunken ships.
"This is one of those dances.
" - Well? - There are books that make your stomach rumble and thrust your lunch ever upward! This is one of those books! You men are all alike - you have no soul.
Except for this one - the future Mr Roz Doyle, Thomas Jay Fallow.
- My God, it's him! - Do you know him? Yes.
He used to drop into a bar I frequented in Boston.
A bit pretentious, though - stuck out like a sore thumb.
You used to drink with Thomas Jay Fallow? I helped him get through his writer's block.
In future, I'll remember to use my powers for good, not evil.
I don't care what you think.
He's on "Bookchat" tomorrow and you're introducing him.
No! I'd have to say I liked his book.
It's hard to lie to someone's face.
No, it's easy for someone as bright, charming and articulate as you.
Well, perhaps you're right.
See how easy it is? - Eight, nine Stop it, Eddie! - He just wants to play.
Yeah, well, therapy is not a game.
Stop it! Stop it, I said! If he keeps this up, there's no point to these exercises.
Attaboy! - Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello, Daphne.
- Hey, Niles! - Ah, doing your exercises.
Yes, and if someone doesn't let us get on with them, he'll get a spank on his fanny.
Don't don't let me - Unless you want to! - What's up? In your room, I noticed you had pictures of Frasier and Frederick and an autographed one from someone named Ken Griffey Jr, but none of Maris and me.
So I brought you this.
Thanks.
Why is Maris wearing jodhpurs? Taken up horse riding? No, she wanted to, but her quadriceps are so tight she can't straddle anything larger than a Border collie.
- I can't believe this! - What are you yapping about? This book! It's written by a man I knew.
He's taken something I told him in confidence and turned it into this trash! "Slow Tango"? I've just started reading that.
You mean to tell me that young man is based on you? Yes.
But did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! - Not even in the acknowledgements! - What's it about? - That is not important.
- His first time.
- Thank you, Daphne! - Your first time doing what? Changing a flat tyre! So this whole book's about the night you conceived Frederick! You'll be happy to know that was not my first time.
And that it wasn't your only time! - Who was this charitable lass? - That is not important.
- His piano teacher.
- His piano teacher? Thanks again, Daphne! It's no secret.
It's all there in black and white.
About your awkward teenage lunging, and how you used to call your chest hair your "rug of love".
He did take some literary licence.
So you can't bring a woman to ecstasy with your panther-like prowess? That part he got right.
This really fries me.
That woman taking advantage of my kid.
I paid $10 a week for piano lessons so you could get your hedge trimmed.
Wait a minute! Not Miss Warner? This wasn't going on during your lessons, too? No, while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs, I was studying music! Now, look! This was not some tawdry older woman lusting after young flesh! Clarice and I cared for each other.
She showed me a world I'd never known.
And wouldn't know again for six and a half years.
It's true.
As Mr Fallow put it, she saw your sensitive, poetic side and you couldn't help noticing how her bosom brushed your cheek when she reached for the metronome.
How can a man who drank so heavily remember so much? - Yet forgets who told him the story.
- He'll get a little reminder today.
- No, no! - I want it.
Give it to me.
"I budded when you kissed me.
"I withered when you left me.
"I bloomed a few months while you loved me.
" - Would you calm down? - When I've exacted my pound of flesh.
Wait till I get my book signed.
- Let me.
It's my story.
- Stop it! You haven't told anyone? They'd have a field day.
Frasier, give me credit for a little discretion.
Hey, piano boy! Way to pound those ivories! Listen! It's imperative that this not be commonly known.
Hey, Doc, it's no big deal.
Anything for you? I've still got some feeling on the other side of my head.
I had a similar experience when I was 16.
An older woman introduced me to the mysteries of love.
Of course, she was a hooker.
It was a birthday present from my dad, OK? Want to know the ironic thing? All I wanted was a bike.
How could you expect me not to tell anybody? You can't keep something like that bottled up.
I only told one person.
- Hello, Frasier, Roz! - Hi.
I was doing my restaurant review this afternoon when I came up with the perfect sandwich, named after you: Frasier Crane's Double Decker.
It consists of aged pheasant, spring chicken and plenty of tongue.
Listen! "I wept as our bodies made the music of love.
" "I'm your rhapsody.
Play me.
" "Crescendo, my young maestro, crescendo.
" "My vessel yearns to dock in the magnificence of your harbour.
" That's not in the book.
One thing I must ask you - what was your inspiration for this love story? Ooh! It's his last chance! It was actually given to me by God.
By God! Do you believe his grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it! We'll be back with the divinely inspired Thomas Jay Fallow right after this break.
Excuse me.
I want to call my husband and see if he can take a long lunch.
Thomas Jay Fallow.
Frasier! Frasier Crane! I can't believe it! I see my name hasn't entirely escaped your sieve-like memory.
- Why would it? - It's not in your acknowledgements, you egomaniacal thief! You read my book! I didn't have to read it.
I lived it.
Not that anybody would know that from your acknowledgements.
You mention your kindergarten teacher, but not me! I only gave you the story which you have merchandised into this $1,000,000 treacle machine! I'm finished now.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know how I could have been so thoughtless.
- I owe you everything! - Oh, no, no! Oh, my God! Frasier, what did you do to the poor man? - What happened? - Frasier made him cry.
"Slow Tango" has put thoughts in Maris' head.
I found her cooing over the student who skims the koi pond.
- I wouldn't concern myself.
- It's innocent flirting? No.
I just wouldn't concern myself.
- Hey, Frasier.
- Hi, Dad, Niles.
Congratulations.
Maris heard Thomas Fallow acknowledge his debt to you.
Yes, I had a chat with him this afternoon.
- Was he properly contrite? - I made him cry.
That's my boy! You must be feeling pretty good.
Actually, the incident has left me strangely unsatisfied.
I still feel sort of empty.
I've been turning it around in my mind all day.
You kill me.
You got what you want and you're still not happy.
Frasier, life is not hard.
You make it hard.
You don't just enjoy things.
You analyse everything.
You could learn a big lesson from this dog here.
You know what makes him happy? A sock.
Come on, Eddie.
What's troubling you goes deeper than your usual malaise.
- Shame on you! - What for? You just ran out on her! "Leaving her bed as empty as a swallow's nest in fall.
" And you ask me what for! I'd just been accepted to Harvard.
So you just leave in the night without so much as a kiss.
- You never said goodbye? - She was sleeping so peacefully.
She had an early lesson.
I left a rose on her pillow.
- Aha.
- "Aha" what? - "Aha" this: I have a theory.
- Why else would you say "aha"? You were angry at Thomas Fallow for not thanking you for your contribution to his life.
But you're really angry at yourself for not thanking Miss Warner for her contribution to your life.
I was only 17.
I'm sure she understood.
Perhaps she didn't.
She was vulnerable, lonely, middle-aged.
It's possible her feelings for you ran deep, feelings you crushed when you left without a thank you or a goodbye.
Yes, well, thank you and goodbye.
All right.
Fine.
I'll just leave you with this thought: your encounter with Fallow was unsatisfactory because it didn't provide closure.
For that, you will have to make amends with Miss Warner.
Aha.
Very funny, Dad! "He had been a teenage Balboa, "an explorer of the rising pinnacles and gently curving slopes of my body.
"In one explosive burst of discovery, "he had staked claim to the Pacific Ocean that was my soul.
"But now, he was leaving, "going, vanishing, like a solitary boat on the lonely horizon, "departing like a train, rolling ceaselessly through the night, "exiting swiftly like " "And so, he was gone.
" "Now, in the cool of the evening, I play my piano, "and his last words resonate through the notes: "I'll come back to you, my cherished one.
' "But he never did.
"And all that remains of him are the withered petals "of the rose he left upon my pillow.
" Clarice.
Time, the subtle thief of youth.
Hello.
May I help you? - Ms Warner? - Yes.
I I'm Frasier Crane.
I'm sorry, my memory's not what it used to be.
But, please, come in.
- Would you like to sit down? - Yes, I would.
So, we know each other? Well, we were friends.
More than friends.
You really don't remember? I'm trying.
You must have some recollection of a fair-haired boy outside your door? At the piano? On the piano? No, I'm sorry.
Before the memories come flooding back to you I should tell you we had a romance that didn't have a happy ending.
That's why I'm here.
Our last evening together, we walked through a summer storm and I kissed the raindrops off your nose and promised we'd always be together.
But I broke that promise.
You helped a shy adolescent take his first steps to becoming a man and I repaid you by running off and leaving you with just memories.
And not many of those, either.
- Can you ever forgive me? - Oh, you're so sweet! - Of course I can forgive you.
- Thank you.
It's such a relief to get that off my chest.
- 'Mother? I'm going now!' - You run along, Clarice! Clarice? Excuse me.
Dear, this is Frasier Crane.
Apparently, we were quite an item once.
Frasier Crane? What are you doing here? Obviously, making an enormous mistake.
Mother, would you get us some iced tea? She's getting rid of me, but I'll be back.
My God! I can't believe you're here.
- It's got to be 20 - 25.
And look at you! Look at you! You look incredible.
Well, sure, compared to my mother.
No.
That's not what I mean.
You look - stunning.
- Well, thank you.
And you, you've become a very handsome man.
- And successful, too.
- Thank you.
You're here because of that book, aren't you? Yes, and I'd like to apologise right off.
I told that story in confidence.
It was never meant to be in print.
There's no need to apologise.
That was a lovely time in my life.
It was nice to relive it.
So are you married? - Divorced.
You? - I never married.
I came to apologise about more than just the book.
I never felt quite right about the way I left things.
I abandoned you.
It was selfish and cowardly.
Oh, Frasier, relax.
I always felt guilty for short-changing you on your music lessons.
Do you still keep it up? Oh, the piano? Yes.
I was so nervous about coming here and now it just feels like old times.
Sit at middle C.
Then the metronome.
I, well Maybe I should get going.
At the risk of sounding forward, would you have a coffee with me? Thanks, but I'll have to say no.
The age difference is no longer an issue.
- Hi, honey.
Ready to go? - I'll be right out.
- Are you and he? - Uh-huh.
I wasn't interested in 40-year-old men then and I guess I'm still not.
It's great to see you again, though.
Bye, Mom! Good.
Now we're alone.
See what I did? I put a raindrop on my nose!