Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s02e01 Episode Script

Oh! THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD Nice one, Cyril.
WOLF WHISTLES It's a long time since I've had custard.
Of course, one's heart bleeds for you.
You'll never kick the habit if you keep dreaming about it.
Read the paper, read me out my horoscope.
I do not encourage that kind of pagan rubbish.
Come on, let's be knowing what the stars have got in store for me.
It's bound to be a lot, isn't it? Look what they've done for you up to now.
They've given me a sunny disposition.
Just as well, with all those holes in your trousers.
Me mam said, the minute I were born, the sun came out from behind the cloud, and the starling on the next-door coal-house roof started twittering.
Oh, yes? Little cosmic messages, eh? Not a word from your father, I notice.
That might not be custard, that could be paint.
What are you doing under there? A rabbit's foot.
I'm cleaning it.
Don't stop there, have a go at your ferrety face.
It's all clogged up.
Still, I don't suppose we need to fear with the powers of bringing me good luck.
Do you think it might? 'Ey up, maybe that's why I've been losing on the gee-gees lately.
Lately? You've always been losing on the gee-gees.
There you are, you see, that proves it.
I've knackered it.
BICYCLE CRASHES HE YELLS OUT It's only a small word, but he said it with real feeling.
Looks as if he knows all about real feeling.
I know, poor old soul.
But there's nothing much you can do when it's such a localised wound.
You'd have to be a nurse or very keen chapel to be above suspicion.
Makes you wonder how many steps he could do if he had a bit of music.
'Ey, it's a terrible pain.
I know.
Yet the way my old man's always waving himself about, you'd think he hadn't a care in the world.
HE SUPPRESSES GROANS Tha needs a rabbit's foot.
That's not the part that's going to need replacing.
He's full of superstitious rubbish.
Everybody's superstitious.
Rubbish.
What about thee? Tha'll never take a third light from a match.
Not when you're second, I won't.
Because by the time you've lit your soggy tab end, that match has been halfway up your nostril.
All right then.
Give us an old fag, and if it'll make you feel better, I'll smoke it out me ear 'ole.
I must point out that it's not due to any primitive superstition that you find me with my legs crossed.
What are you going to do about that bike, then? I'm going to learn to ride it on tiptoe.
Me mam was superstitious.
Oh, yes? Never ate a policeman on a Friday? Never see her crossing her knife or fork on a plate.
If we examine that phenomenon more closely, we shall no doubt find out that it was largely due to the fact that your lot never had any forks.
Ya talk wet.
I stand corrected.
I'm overlooking the rather elegant little half dozen that was marked with a crest and a motto which read, "Stolen from Barnsley breweries".
Oh, they never nicked them.
She was just taking care of them for our Douggie while he were away.
We all know where he were away to, don't we? Well, why not? All his mates were there.
They say that these new blocks of flats are destroying that sort of feeling of community.
Ah! Ah! Ah-ha-ha.
Ah-ha-ha.
Oh.
Oh, that's better, I must say.
It was the kind of discomfort best described as forked lightning.
Well, what are you going to do about that bike, then? I'm going to wheel it up to Sid's Cafe and get some hot, sweet tea down me.
'Ey, come on.
All right, all right.
The worst pains I ever had were when I got my fingers in my mam's mangle.
Well, it made a change from her handbag.
It were these two fingers, funnily enough.
Behave yourself in the street.
Why can't you follow us at a respectful distance? Tha needs me, Cyril.
I'll have less of the "Cyril".
I need you like I need third degree burns.
Do you remember Third Degree Burns? Notorious Irish policeman.
Used to let people off on St Patrick's Day.
By sticking them in a bottle and lighting the blue paper.
Well, hold it up, then, hold it up! I'm getting simply covered in oil! Well, give that end to him, he's grimy already.
It won't show.
Oh, hark at it! Not only makes horrible tea, but is cheeky with it! The way my marriage works, I've had to learn to be cheeky without it! Now, keep it still! I hope you're not going to turn out to be one of them big, efficient sort of idiots, Sidney.
Not to worry, he's all gob.
That's all right.
I don't mind him poking his nose in, as long as he makes a balls-up of it, like any decent man would.
Now, that's gratitude for you, isn't it? He's got me clouted up with oil for a start.
Well, if you will hold it like a filleted prawn! Tha'll never get it off! Oh, thank you very much! If you've nothing more constructive to offer, kindly go outside and read the tail board of some reversing lorry! Oh! Tha needs me, Cyril.
Hey, are you lifting? Are you lifting?! Tha needs me because if it weren't for scruffs like me, poofs like you wouldn't have anybody to be smarter than! Well, lift the chuffing thing, will you?! I AM LIFTING IT! That's better.
That's much better.
Now, there's an air of warm, human stupidity of the kind that you're entitled to expect from your friends.
Hey, watch it.
Ooh! You can get that out right sharp, we're not a bloody service station! I'm sorry about that, lads, I'll mend it later.
Oh, that'll be something to look forward to, won't it? Norman.
Tha'll have to take it in for repair.
Oh, steady on, I wasn't that badly injured.
You start spreading rumours like that and the first thing you know, I'm going to get reshuffled in the choir.
The bike! I wouldn't leave it to Sid! No, he's got no delicacy, just a big hammer merchant.
Has to be giving it some clog.
He seemed very willing.
He's willing all right.
It's just that he's soft.
Nobody would be more sorry than him when he's meant it.
He'll take on anything.
I'll say that for him.
Use an ashtray! I wouldn't mind, I'm not even bloody smoking! She was watching you yesterday and you were splashing ash all over the place.
By God, she's fierce.
No wonder a bit of power goes straight to Sid's head! Listen, as long as this country goes on producing people with enough reckless courage to marry folk like Ivy, we shan't go far wrong.
Well, why Huddersfield? Because I'm taking it back where I got it from.
And we can have a drink in Huddersfield.
Why is it that any time of the day or night, you're instantly ready to embark upon an orgy? Because I believe in keeping myself in shape.
What shape is it, incidentally? Well, sort of little and dumpy.
Well, that's close enough.
I think it's me trousers, they're cut a bit full.
Oh, I thought it was something in your pocket, like a sleeping bag.
BUS APPROACHES Hey, get that bike off the bus! You can't get a bike on a bus! Now, go on, get off, all of you, off! Off! Off! But it's not rideable, it's luggage.
We take suitcases and parcels only! And lodgers.
I've seen you up the back lane.
Hey, you lot, what do you think you're doing?! Come on! Get off! I'm not having that on this bus! No vehicles on the vehicle! It's a parcel! It's a parcel! Go on then, clever, you try posting it! # By the time I get to Phoenix She'll be rising # She'll diddly-diddly-dee A-diddly-doo! # 'Ey up, Gordon! What?! Where the hell's them gaskets?! What gaskets? For this, you clug head! # Once I had a secret love! # Dee, dee, dee, dee, di, dee, dee, dee! # They're not here! Well, they're not here! Looks like you've lost them! # Oh, everybody's talking at me # I can't hear a word they're saying # Only the echoes of my mind! # They were there.
Well, they're not here now.
Oh! # Baby love, oh, my baby love # Ooh, how I love you My little baby love! # If you don't get them, I'll be through there to stick that mucky book straight up your overall leg.
# Ain't nothing but a hound dog! # Crying all the time! # Ain't nothing but a hound dog! # Gordon! According to this book, they seem to have a lot more to do at night in an hot climate.
Oooh! # She may be weary Women do get weary # Wearing that same shabby dress # When she's weary # Try a little # 'Ey up.
Hello, son, what can we do for you? Does tha mend bikes? AMERICAN ACCENT: What am I doing with this one, sweetheart, milking it(?) Oh, notorious for their ready wit, they are, in Huddersfield.
Oh, 'ey up, how many in your party? Is this a coach trip or something? It's been a very undignified trip.
Ah, stop moaning.
No, there's only three of us.
Mind you, it's enough for ordinary purposes.
I've, ermI've brought this back.
Brought it back? Well, it was purchased from here.
When? Well, it was a while back now.
It was raining, as I remember.
So, I bought a cape as well - a black one.
You feel such a primrose in yellow.
You're going back a bit, aren't you, mate? Well, it was late spring, early summer It was a terrible summer! I spent a leave in Bridlington.
Hey, I were courting.
Spare us the sordid details, please.
I wasn't even born.
Look, it's no good coming here, me old love, with your stone-age bike.
We don't know nowt about them, mate.
HE SNIFFS You lads straight off the farm, then, are you? Farm?! Pooh! Hey, do you think he can smell my ferrets? Ferrets? They must be bloody big ferrets.
They've got horseshoes on! Oh! Oh-h! BELL RINGS What's the matter? What's the matter?! I cannot say that I appreciate sitting on that bell.
And I must ask you to promise never to ring it.
I'd trade places with thee.
There's a spring on that carrier that has got teeth like my ferrets! I wish you'd both sit still the next time.
I'd like you to meditate on the consequences of a high speed wobble.
I'm hungry.
You're always hungry.
Well, I'm only human.
Since when? If you're a human, how are they going to classify the rest of us? They know you by the shape of that bell on your backside! I wonder where I put that black cape? Have you thought, if legs weren't joined in the middle, we couldn't ride a bicycle? Nature's wonderful.
When you think about it, there's a reason for everything.
Get your hands down! Here, slow down! Slow down! I can't! You've got your hand in the brake! Let go! Let go! You must be joking! I daren't let go! Tha've got tha fingers in the brake! You think I don't know! I can feel him pumping them.
Oh-ho-ho! Hee-hee! Hee-hee! Oh, me bell broke.
I've been sitting on it, that's why.
Here, have a fag.
HORN BEEPS You know, you're going to need a new wheel.
Hmm.
And another round.
Well, get one, then.
Ah, come on, you know I've not been doing too well on the gee-gees lately.
It's me rabbit's foot.
I always knew your feet would go funny in them wellies.
How do you account for his head, then? It's me lucky charm.
What bloody charm have you ever had? Just watch it, shag basket.
It may interest you to know that there are certain types of women that can't keep their hands off me.
You mean apart from self-defence? It's got nothing to do with the self-defence.
I believe him.
I believe him! There was that woman at school, always running her fingers through his hair.
And a small tooth comb.
Nurse Garrett.
Could be marmalade.
We never had a Nurse Marmalade.
Me rabbit's foot! Well, don't wave the damn thing over me beer, barbarian! Fancy walking about with bits of animal on your person.
Not on me person! It's in me pocket! Well, that's on your person! Don't talk wet! I know what it means when you talk about somebody's person.
They mean your Bits of Your person! Well, that is what I said! No, you didn't! You Look! Anyway, us what are normal have got a person.
As well as a rabbit's foot? Oh, this is ridiculous.
Proper thick he is! Look, when we were called up, you remember, one of the first things in the army we had to sign was a form! Yes, I thought it was funny too.
But we won, didn't we? And there was a space which said, "Any distinguishing marks on yourperson?" Now that cruddy sergeant wouldn't let me go outside and have a look, so I put down no.
Yeah.
But I put ingrowing toenail, so what about that, then? You're as daft as he is.
Have you told him, then? Potty Herbert.
Person indeed! I'm right! I'm right! Just listen and zip tha cake hole for a minute! Why was it Nurse Garrett always lowered her voice when she mentioned it? Mentioned what? Persons! She'd stand up in front of that class and she'd tell us to get bathed every Friday.
That fell on stony ground in certain quarters, didn't it? And then she would lower her voice and look straight at us lads and say, "And be sure and wash your "whole person thoroughly.
" You know, the terrifying thing is that come an election, he's entitled to vote! Sometimes I didn't bother.
No, of course not.
I mean, you don't think he's going to rush out and cast one for the first candidate with a colourful rosette on his .
.
person.
Where are we going? I'm going to let Sid have another look at it.
Old big hammer? Any port in a storm.
He's going to be in his high glee, belting this.
You realise his solution is going to be clouting hell out of the rear wheel to resemble the front! I'm hungry.
Well, eat your tatty rabbit's foot! We can't waste all that custard.
Me guts is complaining.
I should think they are.
It can't be anybody's idea of a joke, being inside you.
I thought you were taking that to get it mended? We've been.
Well, that's a fine job they've made of it.
It may look like a buckled wheel to you, but really it's an anti-theft device.
Anti-theft device? Well, would you pinch it? Hey, you've forgotten this bit.
That's off the old wheel.
Are you sure? Just leave it to me, will you? You don't think it's the first damn wheel I've changed, do you? You give that impression.
Isn't it marvellous? You pick up a spanner, and straightaway some bloody Henry Ford comes up and starts carping in your ear hole! Show me a flustered craftsmen and I'll show you incompetence.
And I'll show you the comical wound a large spanner can make when inserted lengthwise into some ever-open gob! Not only useless, but quite unreasonable! Ah, nobody's perfect! Carry on, Sid, you're doing a good job, son! It's simple, now the obstruction has been removed.
I know I married our Ivy but nobody's wrong all the time.
Seeing that you introduced the sour note, Sidney, went is she due back? I'll have it mended before she gets back.
Well, I wouldn't leap on it in a carefree manner, I promise you that! I should hope not.
She'd never stand for it.
Have you ever leapt on it in a carefree manner, Sidney? The bike! I wouldn't go trusting it after he's fixed it! You've got to have faith! Or a rabbit's foot.
Listen, you forget about your old rabbit's foot, this is the Space Age.
What you want, m'lad, is a lucky bicycle wheel, and it just so happens I know somewhere you can lay your hands on one very reasonable.
Hey, I bet I'd be lucky with that hanging on the end of me watch chain! When have you ever had a watch? I've got a watch.
I have always had a watch.
Where?! In the hock shop.
I keep all me valuables there.
It's safer.
What a splendid example of a triumph of thrift.
Oh, without a bit of forethought, I wouldn't have got where I am today.
Where are you? Out of fags.
Yes, well, I let myself in for that one, didn't I? There you are.
Smoke it quietly.
They say that on a clear day, you can hear the wind rustling through the undergrowth in your lungs.
Shall I tell you something? There's a lot goes off in there.
I know.
We've heard it.
Fields of waving vegetable matter.
Hey, Sid? What do you want? Ooh! He says your guts is like an allotment.
My belly is not unsightly.
It's in proportion with me chest.
I'm a big fellow.
Powerful.
Sort of a friendly giant.
You're big and soft, you great wet article.
God, no wonder they call it creeping ivy.
Can't leave you for a minute! Either tinkering with somebody's woman or somebody's damn bike! Get it out.
Well, I've mended it now anyway, I was taking it out, move to one side.
Aye, that's right, run me over.
Ivy! Don't talk like that! It's not the ideas I'm short of, it's the matter of having the right vehicle.
And take your bits and pieces with you, O Great White Mechanic! Well.
Oh, yes, Ivy.
Yes.
I wonder if we could have your recipe for chips, Ivy.
We were just saying to Sidney, only just now, in fact he'd back us up if he was here, "We don't know how she does it, there's nothing like them for miles.
" Get out! You're not soft-soaping me! Hey, come on! What? Oh.
Hey.
Oh, Ivy, tha's got a chest like a proud pigeon! If it wasn't for Nora Batty, I could fancy thee! Are you sure it's all right? Well, there's confidence for you! I wouldn't risk it.
You're fearless, you lot, aren't you(?) I should keep it as a souvenir, Norm.
Wheel it about a bit sometimes.
Give over, it's as good as new.
It looks all right.
That's what they said about Singapore.
Impregnable they said.
Beyond the capabilities of the yellow races.
He's only got to ride it, he's not going through shot and shell.
Oh, give it us here.
Hang on, I've nearly ruined my domestic harmony fixing this for you lot, and now you won't even try it.
# Raindrops keep fallin' on my head # Just like the man whose feet are too big for his bed # Nothin' seems to fit # Oh, raindrops keep fallin' on Ba dee, ba, ba! # THEY HUM THE TUNE BICYCLE CRASHES THEY LAUGH Cup of hot, sweet tea, please, Ivy.
What do you want now? Three straws? Will somebody tell me what's going on? Haven't you got homes to go to? If I'd known you wanted it that sweet, I could have poured it straight into the sugar bag.
He's like that.
Hard to fit in a bucket.
Be fair.
He did fix me front wheel.
Nearly ruined his domestic harmony doing it.
He's really more gentle than giant.
I must say, the older I get, the more I like a bloke who knows how to make a balls-up of things.
Oh, that sounds like my uncle.
The fool set fire to me mother's shed.
Only once! He was teaching me how to send smoke signals.
Silly twaddle.
And brought your mother running.
Kind heart and clumsiness.
It's a combination that takes some beating.
The world would end in chaos.
Aye, but not as quick as it's got there being clever.