Mike & Molly s02e01 Episode Script

I'm going out with Molly.
Really? Why am I just hearing about this? Oh, I'm sorry.
Haven't you been following my Facebook page? - I live alone.
- Mhmm.
I like to spend time with my friends.
Just a sec.
Ow! Sorry.
This nose hair was driving me crazy! She yanked a hair out of my nose, started a fight with the waiter, and then passed out on the crapper.
I'm sorry.
I guess you're never gonna see her again.
Are you kidding? I'm gonna marry that girl.
Oh, this is Molly; She's a friend of mine.
Hi.
I'm Molly Mike's friend.
I was hoping to lose a little weight first, so you'd be turned on by me.
How much weight are you talking about? I don't know, I don't know if you've noticed this, but I'm not exactly perfect.
You are to me.
Would you come inside and tell me what you're so upset about? Oh, you'd love for me to come inside, wouldn't you? Maybe hang my coat up in your closet full of skeletons! So you met Kyle.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him, but it was a long time ago.
You were going to stand at an altar and promised to be with him forever.
I can't even get you to join Costco with me! Mike, I can't accept this.
Why not? It's our first Christmas, and I wanted to give you something special.
Absolutely not.
This is way too expensive.
I don't care.
I want you to have it.
But I don't want it.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
Hey, I love you, and you can't put a price on love! Wait a second.
You love me? Absolutely.
We got a good thing here.
We don't need to ruin it by talking about marriage.
Well, I don't think we'd ruin it.
I love you, Molly.
I also want you to know that I'm really happy with what we've got.
Absolutely, and there's no reason to rush into anything until we're both sure we're ready.
It would appear I'm ready.
Shut up.
Shut up! Whew.
Really? Molly Flynn, will you marry me? Is that a yes? Ye-yes.
I can't believe it's actually mine.
That's because it's not.
But it will be after 48 easy monthly payments.
It might have been cheaper to buy you an engagement car.
I love you, Mike.
I love you, Mrs.
Biggs.
Oh, that's sweet.
But about that Would you be terribly hurt if I didn't take your last name? What? I just think it's better for me professionally to keep my last name.
Professionally? You're a teacher.
Just go to the chalkboard, erase "Ms.
Flynn" and write "Mrs.
Biggs.
" Really? I'm rubenesque, I teach fourth graders, you want me to go in there with the last name "Biggs"? Yeah, fourth graders are a pretty hateful bunch.
I remember how much we tortured poor old "Mr.
Jahboner.
" "Jahboner"? You gotta be kidding me.
Nope.
And he taught wood shop.
Well, you live by the sword, you die by the sword.
So you're okay with me keeping my name? Yeah, that's fine.
Mrs.
Biggs reminds me of my mother anyway, and that's a real jahboner killer.
Thank you.
So, are we thinking about a church wedding or? Actually, I was thinking: Does your bra unhook in the front or the back? On the other hand, having an outdoor ceremony could be really beautiful.
Maybe Lincoln park.
Spring time, the flowers are gorgeous.
Sure.
So, it's settled.
Spring time, Lincoln park.
Great.
Ah But if we want to have an indoor reception, we've got to you know, set up a banquet hall at least a year in advance.
Great, then we got plenty of time.
Okay then we're talking a year from now? Yeah.
We'll start ironing out the details a year from now.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Roll up your tongue.
Are you are you saying that we're not gonna get married for at least two years? No, I'm not saying that.
What are you saying? I'm trying not to say anything.
Look, the important thing is, you have a ring on your finger that says, "I'm marrying the man of my dreams.
" And the bra is off! See, I told you you could do it.
I don't have to switch to velcro.
For the first time in my life I see love.
That was a nice shindig last night.
Yeah.
I can't believe my little girl's getting married.
Me, too.
I thought she was a lesbian when I first met her.
Morning.
Morning, buttercup.
Where's your bigger half? He left for work.
So, how was your first night as an engaged woman? Hmm? It's different now, right? I know when Vince proposed to me, we connected on a whole new level.
That was a God-given stiffy that night, too.
No pills.
Just pure adrenaline.
You get that she's my mother, right? Which reminds me, if you need someone to walk you down the aisle, I would be honored.
No, 'tis I, the lesbian, that would be honored.
I told you your voice carries.
When Mike and I set a date, I will definitely consider your offer.
Try to avoid the summer.
We Morantos are a sweaty people, and I don't want my hair paint to run.
Yeah, and for me, try to avoid the winter months.
When my little girl gets married, I want to wear something low- cut, show off my "bouncy cs.
" Like a mother does.
We're not even talking specifics yet.
Don't let him drag the engagement out.
Guys will take a free meal as long as they can get it.
And by "free meal," I mean copulation.
It's gonna be a long walk down that aisle.
Man, I can't get over it.
My best friend is getting married.
Yep.
Wasn't but a year ago, you were whining and crying about how lonely you were.
Yep.
Sitting in your sad, little apartment all weekend, one hand down a bag of Doritos, the other one down your pants.
Yeah, well, those were some dark days.
Dark? You, sir, are an inspiration to overweight masturbators everywhere.
You know what, why don't you save the rest for your best man speech.
So it's official, I'm your best man? And that is the real tragedy of my life.
I'm honored.
So, is it safe to assume that you won't be goin' fishin' with us this weekend? Why wouldn't I go? You're engaged now.
You can't just be doing what you want and making your own decisions and stuff.
Excuse me, but my life is still very much my own.
I can come and go as I please.
Mike Flynn is his own man.
Mike Flynn? Biggs, I said "Biggs.
" Everybody heard "Biggs.
" Shut up.
Sounded like "Flynn" from over here.
It's a slip of the tongue.
The point is, I'm goin' fishin'.
Hey, Samuel, you want to come? We got a big tent and plenty of sleeping bags.
Thank you, but that's the same pitch they used to get me into a refugee camp in Africa.
Come on, you have a few beers, tell some stories, you know, bond as men.
That's the same pitch they used to get me to the gay tent in the refugee camp.
Fool me once.
All I'm saying is, if we're gonna have any shot at booking a nice place, we need to start looking now.
Okay.
Wait.
What are we looking for? A place to have our wedding.
Sure.
We're gonna need that.
Yeah, otherwise we're gonna end up getting married in your mother's backyard and having the reception at the sizzler.
Sizzler? Is that a real option? Hey.
Joyce, I'm downstairs! Be right there! Take your time! I'm gonna talk to the kids.
Hey, lovebirds.
How's things? Vince, I don't want to be rude, but we're kind of in the middle of something.
I'm not here.
So, can we at least decide on a time of year? Is this about the wedding? Do you believe it? We've only been engaged for 24 hours.
She's already trying to fit me for a tux.
He is gonna fluctuate size-wise.
You don't want him walking down the aisle looking like the hulk got mad.
I'm just trying to narrow things down.
I mean, if you want the good weather, there's only a handful of weekends to choose from.
She's right.
And if she's gonna do all the planning, you can at least try to be a little accommodating.
Thank you, Vince.
Here to help.
Maybe we can drive around this weekend and check out some places.
Oh, I can't.
I'm goin' fishin' with the guys this weekend.
This weekend? Oh.
Why didn't you say something? Well, it's not like I need your permission, is it? No.
I think you could've said something before now.
You invited me a week ago and have yet to tell your fiancée? That does not bode well, my friend.
Vin, you ready to go? Yes, he needs to go.
Let me know when you figure out the details.
I can get you a deal on peel-and-eat shrimp and a swan that's trained to be a ring bearer.
They can get swans to do that? Hey, you wire their beaks shut and drug 'em, they are a very cooperative species.
By the way, I'm goin' fishin' this weekend.
What?! Why the hell am I just hearing about this now?! Mike.
Get up and go fishin'.
Honey, not now.
I'm sleeping.
Get up.
What? Get out of here and go fishin'.
Oh, right, fishin'.
Honey, I put a brochure in your tackle box from a reception hall near lake Geneva.
I thought maybe you could check it out when you go up there.
Oh, geez, Molly, I'm not going to have time for that nonsense.
Talking about our wedding is nonsense? It is at 4:00 in the morning.
I'm sorry.
What's a good time for you? Hey, what do you want from me? I gave you a ring, told you I loved you.
You just gave me a ring to shut me up? Well, if I did, it's clearly not working.
Oh! Wait, that came out wrong.
Anybody want a breakfast burrito? Sure.
I could eat.
You want to talk about it? There's nothing to talk about.
All right.
So you're just gonna pout all weekend? I'm not pouting.
I'm quietly reflecting.
The time to be quiet was about an hour ago.
You guys heard us? Little bit, but between the dogs barking and your neighbors yelling "shut the hell up," it was hard to make out every stupid thing you said.
Although "don't clip this eagle's wings" was particularly cringe-worthy.
Can we just change the subject, please? Sure gladly.
Absolutely.
Carl.
Yeah.
I'm not having fun yet.
Just give it a chance.
Before you know it, there'll be more fun than you can handle.
That's what they said in the gay tent.
Can you at least explain why this adventure has to take place in the middle of the night? Simple.
You want to get your hook in the water before the crack of dawn because the fish are still sleepy, and they'll put anything in their mouths.
It's the same way with broads.
How can fish sleep? They have no eyelids.
You can sleep with your eyes open.
He's right.
My Uncle Pete slept that way.
He was dead for two days before we even knew it.
We thought he was just enjoying a Twilight Zone marathon.
Speaking of dead, did anybody bring worms? Oh, my God, what have I done? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I'm sure they sell worms by the lake.
Yeah, we should be fine.
"Nonsense.
" He called planning our wedding "nonsense.
" Sweetie, I don't think those pancakes are part of your diet.
Do you want to reach over here and try and take them away from me? No, I do not.
Smart.
Besides, this is my new diet.
This is the "I'm mad at my boyfriend, and I'm punishing myself diet.
" Oh, that sounds a lot like your old "I just found out my boyfriend's gay, so I'm eating cake and hot dogs diet.
" Same principle.
Molly, you just got engaged.
Why are you pushing so hard on the wedding? I'm not pushing, I'm planning.
And you know why? 'Cause you're planner.
Exactly it's part of why I'm a good teacher.
I mean, I walk in that room full of little monsters, and every day I have a plan.
'Cause if I didn't, we'd be eating boogers and making fun of me all day long.
Do we have any hot dogs? No.
No hot dogs and no pancakes.
You're not eating this stress away.
We're going to my yoga class.
Like hell I am.
Me in a leotard surrounded by skinny, bendy women? I'd rather kill us all.
I'm scared.
Make her a hot dog, mom.
Okay, fine, you can either come with me and your sister or stay here and eat pancakes until you're left with no self-esteem and no elbows.
Well? I'm thinking about it! Please tell me why we are here.
When did our people ever have good experiences on boats? I'm not getting any kind of cell phone reception at all.
That's 'cause we're in the middle of nowhere.
There's nothing out here but bait shops and the ku klux klan.
Just stay on the boat, you'll be fine.
Hey, I got reception.
You wanna call Molly on my phone? I'm not gonna call her, but she might be trying to call me to say she's sorry.
Yeah, that sounds like Molly, apologetic and contrite.
Wait, I'm getting bars.
Five bars! No, three bars, two bars.
Are we drifting? I just had five bars.
Hey, wait, wait.
Be careful.
Thank you very much.
Did I mention I can't swim? Glad I called shotgun.
Take three deep breaths.
Inhale through your nose.
Exhale through your mouth.
Inhale And exhale.
This place smells like feet and patchouli.
Namaste.
All right, ladies, let's all get back on our hand and knees and loosen up our spines by alternating between cat and cow.
What the hell is he talking about? Just watch me and do what I do.
Meow.
Moo Sweetie, you don't have to make animal sounds.
It helps me remember which is which.
I don't think Mike even wants to get married.
Do you know what he said this morning? Everybody in the neighborhood knows what he said this morning.
Just focus on your breathing.
I'd love to, except every time I move, I'm re-chewing a pancake.
Let's work on elongating our spine.
In with the meow.
Meow.
Out with the moo.
Moo My phone number's written on my yoga mat.
All right, ladies, let's push back into our downward dog.
Oh! There's a lot of tension in your hips.
Easy does it.
Last guy I let back there had to buy me a ring.
Ooh, this is one for the bachelorette party.
You owe me $600 for these alligator shoes.
If they were really alligator, they would've been waterproof.
Well, look at me.
I'm sitting around a fire, half-naked with nothing to eat.
Oh, how far I've come.
It's not my fault the sudden change in weight distribution sunk the boat.
So, you're saying this is my fault? Yeah, that's what we're all saying.
Yeah, we all believe that.
Look, I say we head home before we become butt buddies to a pack of toothless hillbillies.
If that happens, I will never travel with you again.
Don't worry, they usually go after the plump white ones.
Oh, Joyce texted me a picture.
This always puts a pole in the tent.
Whoa.
Is this your fiancée? She'd better be hiking that guy a football.
Uh-oh.
I gotta go.
We're leaving before we are eaten by bears? Oh, I'm bitterly disappointed.
Man, you're just a little bitch, aren't you? Oh, hey sweetie.
Good, you're home.
Of course I'm home.
Where else would I be? Nowhere.
Just happy to see you.
You're back kind of early.
Is everything okay? Well, there was a little mishap with the vessel.
Apparently, when you represent one-third of the ship's ballast, you should probably keep your seat.
You sunk a boat? Yeah, I sunk a boat.
Sweetie, are you okay? I lost a good pair of briefs, and you might have to check me later for leeches.
Well, I always do.
Oh, and on the way back, we stopped at that reception place near lake Geneva.
Really? Yeah, and it was very nice, but I think we can do better if we take time and look around.
You know, together.
You're willing to make yourself available? Of course.
It's important.
It's our wedding.
I'm surprised.
You didn't seem in any big hurry.
You really don't get me, do you? No.
You're not an easy read.
But if you're willing to wash the stink of lake water off ya, yeah, you might get me.
Hey, I'm in here! I don't care!