QI (2003) s02e01 Episode Script
Blue
THEME MUSIC APPLAUSE Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello and a very good evening to you and welcome to QI.
This is the show where everything is as bright as a new pin, and we avoid cliches like the plague.
You won't hear me saying that our four players are "champing at the bit" and "raring to go.
" Not in a month of Sundays.
So, without further ado, let's meet and greet Bill Bailey APPLAUSE .
.
Sean Lock .
.
Jo Brand, and Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE Now, tonight, although this is Series B, we're talking about colour, so all of our buzzers are blue.
Bill goes HARMONICA FLOURISH .
.
Sean goes SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR .
.
Jo goes WOMAN SINGS "OOH" .
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and Alan goes WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE Oh.
- That's a genuine recording.
- LAUGHTER You said that without moving your legs.
Um, right.
Now, sweeties - you all have sweeties, and to help you get into a primary mood, a range of bright colours.
And here's a nice Mediterranean one to get your started with.
What colour was the sky in ancient Greece? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Jo.
- Blue, if that picture's anything to-- SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING Oh, no.
No, it wasn't.
No, it wasn't, I'm afraid, blue.
I should've(CHUCKLES) .
.
I should've told you that it was ancient Greece - and I did.
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They didn't take photographs in ancient Greece, so that might have been a hint that the photograph was of modern Greece.
- Well, I know, but, you know.
- Yes.
No, you fell into our beautifully- - That could be a very good carving.
- It could be, I suppose.
Wouldn't it, perhaps, have been darker blue, cos it's sort of faded a little bit over time? Well, it might have done.
LAUGHTER What we call blue, they call something else.
Well, no - the ancient Greeks didn't call anything blue.
- They didn't look up ever? - No, they didn't call anything blue.
- They didn't have colours? - BILL: No word for blue.
They had colours, but they didn't have a word for blue.
- That's quite right.
- No word for blue? - What do they say - "the sky?" - Bronze.
- Bronze? - Yes, they called it the bronze- Homer called it bronze-coloured.
I've got no time for these Greeks.
And yet without them, you wouldn't be here.
Oh, that's so rubbish! You say this every week.
Because it's true! What do you mean we wouldn't be here? Because without logic, mathematics, harmony, democracy, justice, logic- That's got nothing to do with the people shagging for decades, ending up with me.
The television - without television, you are nothing.
I know that better than anybody.
There wouldn't be a word for televisiona Greek word.
Well, no - funnily enough, "television" is a word that offends a lot of classicists, because it's both Latin and Greek.
- It's a hybrid word.
- Aww.
- They're so touchy, aren't they? - They are, you see.
They call it a chimeric word because the "tele" is Greek, and the "vision" is Latin.
But if there was no Greek- like, the Saxon word for television would be something like "boxy light.
" We know what they are, because the German - it would be "Fernsehen.
" Oh, yeah.
Wake up, Sean! They've got blue in their flag.
What do they call that, bronze and white? - That's the modern Greeks.
- Oh, the modern Greeks.
Ooh, we don't like them.
Not that blue didn't exist - they didn't have a word for it.
I would be here without the ancient Greeks.
I wonder how many Welsh words there are for colours, Alan Davies, when we start on this, I wonder.
Unfortunately, because of you English people destroying our natural culture and heritage, I don't know our own language.
- Oh, yes.
I must apologise for that.
- Cruel imperial invader! My great-grandfather was forced to flee Cardiff and set up a restaurant in the East End.
LAUGHTER Do you want to know something very interesting, Alan? There is no Welsh word for blue.
- WellI'm sure there is! - There isn't.
There is no word- BILL: There is - but you can't say it.
So when did they hand over? When did ancient Greece hand over to modern Greece? Did someone say, "There you go.
Go on.
" "first thing we gotta do - the sky is blue, alright?" - "Blue, there you go.
" - "For a starter.
" It's a very interesting question.
They used to believe - some Darwinians believed - that the Greeks genuinely- that's to say, Greeks as ancient as Homer, who was a very, very long time before even Sophocles and Socrates, the ancient Greeks that you and I talk about every day.
They actually believed that they hadn't developed a colour sense in the eye, but it's now essentially perceived that they didn't really find any use for calling things by different colours, so much as they did its function.
WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes, darling? Am I boring you? Losing the will to live a bit.
LAUGHTER I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
APPLAUSE Couldn't you have just hit your buzzer there, Al? - Hey? - It's just that- - WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE .
.
that's just an excerpt from a bronze movie, I think.
LAUGHTER Very good.
Very, very good.
Nice one.
Now, in a similar spirit, Homer regarded wine, the sea and sheep as all being the same colour, which is red.
To us, colours are so obvious that this seems peculiar, but colour is just one way of describing tones.
Now, look at this picture.
What does a rainbow look like from the other side? - You can't see it.
- SEAN: Slightly different.
- - BILL: Yeah.
Just slightly different.
Notit's notit's nice.
- But it's not quite as(GESTURES).
- But it's not quite the same.
it's a bit, uh.
You'd rather be on the proper side, but it's alright.
(LAUGHS) It's an opposite.
I wouldn't bother going round to look at it.
I'd just go, "No, it's better this side.
" It is a long journey.
It's hard, really, to concentrate on it, cos there are people going, "Come round, look at it from this side.
" But your first answer was correct, for which you'll get some points.
- You can only see it from - BILL: From the side that you're on.
- LAUGHTER - .
.
yeah.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to see it.
No, there is a very particular way you can actually see- It's to do with where the rain is and where you are.
- And where the sun is.
- Where the sun is, and the rain, - and where you are.
- There has to be sun.
- And rain.
- And the sun has to be behind you.
- Yeah.
Because the light coming from behind your head, they're going through a raindrop, they're bouncing off the back of a raindrop, and coming back to your eye.
And it can only happen at an angle of 42 degrees, which is why it's in a- WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Can you tell me at what point in time human beings were actually able to sing a rainbow? Ah.
Is there a song about singing a rainbow? ALAN AND JO: I can sing a rainbow Sing a rain - Yes.
- There's loads of different ones, wasn't there? Grey and grey and grey and grey Grey and grey and grey I can sing a wood louse.
- You know, it's like that.
- LAUGHTER I see.
That's what it is.
Oh, very good.
In Estonia, they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- I know.
- Estonians aren't stupid people, are they? - They aren't.
- They're very stumpy, though.
- BILL: Yeah.
Indigo, incidentally - what do you know about indigo? - Blue, isn't it? - Purple, purple.
It's a funny colour.
Do you remember- - It's the colour of, um - Silence?- No.
Could you sing that song instead? - No, I can't, actually- - It's the colour of audacity.
See, I'm doing it now, talking like that.
- It's the colour of audacity.
- Oh, stop it.
It's a sort of dark-y, dark-y blue, isn't it? No, isn't it a fertility thing? Well, it's an Indian plant that was used for dyeing.
In what sense would it be a fertility thing? It's a colour.
Doesn't it come up on women's legs, in circles.
when they're ready? - That may be impetigo.
- Like bands.
- Are we thinking of impetigo? - Oh.
It comes up on women's legs? BILL: Garters.
Garters are what you're thinking of.
- ALAN: "When they're ready!" - Is it impetigo? Well, indigo - it's a dark blue dye used for such things as jeans and police uniforms.
Which brings mewhy, oh, why, take the piss out of Newcastle? Haven't got any toilets.
They've got no toilets and they hold it in.
They're so hard, they can hold it in till they go on holiday.
And that's why they talk out the side of their mouth, like that.
"I'm comin' to visit, Aunty.
Can't wait.
" - Interesting theory.
- Is that wrong? Is it that the urine is exceptionally pure because of the filtering process of brown ale? - Used to be very pure.
- Right.
But now, no longer, probably, is.
Newcastle was a major exporter of piss.
- Ah! - In the 18th century.
- What does urine contain? - Ammonia.
- - BILL: Uric acid.
- Ammonia, good.
- And some sort of infection thing.
And if a jellyfish stings you, you gotta pee on your leg.
No.
I'll give a further hint, - which was that I introduced the question by saying - Anaesthetic.
- .
.
indigo was used - A dye.
.
.
for such things as policemen's uniforms - yes.
- A dyeing agent.
- Ammonia was used in the dyeing industry.
- Tie-dye.
- And in North Yorkshire, they had these great quarries, where they mixed the ammonia, and stones, and things, with woad, and came out with these dyes.
Newcastle's third biggest export, after coal and beer, was wee-wee.
Do you think you could- has anyone ever weed into their own mouth? Yeah.
Oh, it's easy.
You can be certain people have done it.
I've seen babies do that.
It's very funny.
They're, sort of, lying, wriggling, having been changed - We used to go high up the wall.
- .
.
and they pee into their mouth.
We used to have a toilet at school, and it was, like, urinal up to about there, then wall, and then a window.
- Yes.
- Which was quite high.
- Mmm-hmm.
And my friend Danny - "The Squirt" LAUGHTER .
.
bending, right, quite far back, like that, - could wee out of the window.
- Wow.
Well, the fact of the matter was in Newcastle, people had to pee into buckets, which were collected wee-kly - ah.
No, the reason that policemen's uniforms used to be such a rich and impressive hue was that they had been widdled on by Geordies, ultimately.
Now, have you all enjoyed your sweeties? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Good.
Which colour did you like best? - Bed, I think.
- Red? now, that's interesting.
Most children, when asked which colour they like most, will say red.
When a food manufacturer wants to colour food red, he uses one of these, in fact.
It's a food addictive.
This is E120 colourant.
My question is what is E120 made from? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" A beetle of some sort.
No, no.
I'm afraid not.
ALARM BELLS RING, SIRENS SOUND No.
We rather predicted you would say that.
It's rather unfair of us, because you're almost right.
- It's a bug, not a beetle.
- Oh, right.
Well What's the difference between a big and a beetle, then? - Oh, don't ask him that.
- You should remember, of all people, - because we covered it - Bugs suck things.
.
.
we covered it last year.
Well done, you did remember.
Five points for remembering.
- What do beetles do? - They don't suck.
They can't.
Well, they're an order of insects.
They drink their straw, and they look at you, like, "Yeah.
" - "Oh, yeah.
" - "Not a bug, alright?" The point is, Jo, "bug" is not just American slang for any insect.
It's a specific, scientific word.
- It has piercing mouth parts, in case you- - Mandibles?- - Oh, how lovely.
Yes, yes, mandibles.
Right.
You answered to that like it was your nickname.
- He did, yes.
- "Mandibles" - he went, "Yes?" - LAUGHTER - "How can I help you?" - But, um- - It was his nickname at school.
"Mandibles" Fry.
But the point about this stuff, which is also called - Cochineal.
- Cochineal, yes.
- You get some points back for that, of course.
- Phew.
.
.
is that it is made from crushed insects.
They're called Dactylopius coccus, and they're a kind of bug, as I say.
And it takes about 70,000 of them to make one pound of cochineal.
We've moved away from cochineal because those people who don't like eating animals felt they were being conned by things that were supposedly vegetarian, like a tube of Smarties, when it turned out they had dead animals in them.
And, of course, they're not kosher.
E122, which we now use, except in Smarties.
In Smarties, you're still eating the crushed- - I'm eating crushed bugs? - Crushed bugs, yeah, with the red ones.
But E122 is very bad if you have an allergy to aspirin, for example.
I think it makes some people go very blotchy, and it makes some people hyperactive! - And so, it's an interesting issue.
- Can I stop you there? - Yep.
- Changed my mind.
- Think I prefer the green.
- Oh, there you are.
Never mind.
Tough.
Where did the whole notion of crushing beetles to get their colouring from, I mean, arise? When did people think, "These foods are just not the right colour.
I need a bit more pizzazz in my lunch.
" Well, I think you only need imagine, don't you? You know, you're pounding maize in Mexico - which is where this thing started - and a few of these beetles that live- - they're all over the place in Mexico.
- Right.
Accidentally fall in.
While you're pounding it, it goes a rather beautiful pink colour.
- And your husband says, "I like this new maize cake.
" - "Wait a minute.
" "This pink polenta.
" They didn't start, like, crushing animals and slowly worked their way down to beetles? They're, like, crushing a squirrel.
"No, that's no good, that colour.
Next animal.
" - That's how I made- oh, look! - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - You've set your buzzer off.
- That's what I'd imagine.
Also, they didn't say, "I love this pink polenta.
" They said, "The pink polenta, I love it!" - So you think- - "I want-a some pink po-len-ta!" So you think this happened after the Spanish colonisation of Mexico, do you? LAUGHTER Oh! Alan! (GROANS THEATRICALLY) He got you.
That was a good one.
Hats off.
Are you telling me the Incas talked like Oxbridge graduates? Well, however they talked, it's really- "I'm just going out to finish off Macchu Picchu.
Help me with these stones.
" It was really the Aztecs we were concerned with.
But, in either case, never mind.
Have you ever felt like your weapon's not big enough, Jo? - No.
Nonsense, nonsense.
- No.
No.
Let's move from bugs to beetles.
"Lovely, pink po-len-ta!" Sure.
LAUGHTER Beetle fanciers, as you probably know, are called HARMONICA FLOURISH - Coleopterist.
- Very good! Coleopterist.
- We'll give you five points for that.
- Thank you very much.
- Press him on how the hell he knows that.
- Yeah.
Well, because when I was a child, I would- In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.
LAUGHTER So if you can explain how you know something, it'd almost be like Alan would love to know the mystery of this.
- BILL: Welcome to my world of knowing! - Well-put.
The wonderful world of looking up things in books.
You looked it up in a book? No, no.
Cos, when I was a kid, I collected butterflies.
- What were you called, then? - What was that?- - A l - A lepidopterist.
- Lepidopterist.
I was a lepidopterist - not a leopard collector, as you may have thought.
JO: Don't you sort of run out, and kind of kill them yourself? No - you catch 'em in a net, and then you put 'em in a bottle with chloroform, and they gradually I know it's not- it's cruel.
JO: That's not very nice.
Were you a lepidopterist, as well? - I did a bit of bug-hunting, yes - Did you? .
.
as the Americans say.
SEAN: I can see you running along with a big net, like that.
- Dressed as an ancient Greek - "Tarquin! Tarquin, I've got one!" .
.
with a flowing toga and a big net.
Oh! But you're quite right.
A coleopterist.
They call- "I am an Aztec!" - I was a philatelist.
- Were you? - Yep.
- SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Is there a special word for someone who did Metalwork? LAUGHTER - Yes - a smith.
- A blacksmith.
I did a bit of that when I was a young man, yeah.
- Or a metallurgist.
- Yeah - "loser," we call them.
No, coleopterists, who love beetles, coleopterists are extremely busy people, far too busy to sit and watch television panellists dithering about, so we have to push on a bit if we want to keep them on board, because they're very, very busy.
How long is it since anyone discovered a new type of beetle? - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - Eight seconds.
Eight seconds is quite recent, but it's not far off- WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yeah? - Oh700 years.
- No.
- - No.
Look, no-one is forcing you to play this game.
If you want to go and sit in the corner HARMONICA FLOURISH You killer.
You're a killer, you are.
BILL: I release them into the wild after they're killed.
Yes.
Actually, that is the supreme irony - that moths got into the collection, and ate them all.
LAUGHTER The answer- well, it could be five- it's about an hour.
Since 1700, they reckon that a new species was discovered, on average, at the rate of about one new specifies every six hours, but it's accelerated.
There may be as many as 10 million different species of beetle, and only 2,000 coleopterists in the world, supposedly.
So many beetles, just not enough time.
SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Very good.
The amazing thing about beetles - two-thirds of all insects are beetles, but even more, if you put all examples of plants and animal species in a row, - every fifth one would be a beetle.
- BILL: (WHISTLES) Every tenth one would be a weevil, as it happens.
So we come to the next question.
Which is the odd one out of these three - a Ptiliidae beetle, a camel or the Sultan of Brunei? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes.
- Is it a Ptiliidae beetle? - It is.
Correct.
You get the points.
Can you elaborate? Umwell, I don't want to show off.
LAUGHTER - The camel stores water in its hump- - No.
- Well, I know the Sultan of Brunei- - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - Sultan of Brunei.
- What do we know about You don't know the Sultan of He can afford to pay pop stars to dance around in their knickers.
- Indeed he can.
- He's that rich.
- He's thatrich.
- BILL: He's that rich.
Now, what do rich people have in common with camels? The ability to sustain water in their humps.
Inability WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" - Yes.
- They're (BLEEP)ing miserable all the time.
What can they not do? - Pass through the eye of a needle! - Go to heaven! - Pass through the eye of a needle.
- Oh.
It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
- Same thing.
- Yes, it is.
The point is this beetle is so small it can go through the eye of a needle, unlike a camel, - or a rich person.
- Oh.
- - Ah.
And they come in very, very varying sizes, beetles.
The biggest one, Titanus giganteus, is huge.
We have a sample of the second biggest one.
- This is the Hercules beetle.
- (SCREAMS)- - Oh! This is from the Natural History Museum in London.
How many examples of beetle do you think they have there? How many different? - No, it's a lot more - it's 12 million.
- Oh.
Blimey.
They have 12 million.
Finally, we plunge into the land that knowledge forgot - Daviesland, the place we call General Ignorance.
So fingers on buzzers, please, for one last chance to avoid looking like complete Charlies.
Firstly, and returning to our colour theme, what rhymes with "orange?" WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE LAUGHTER - No - nothing.
- SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - Oh! - SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING Oh, dear.
Oh, Lordy, bless.
- "Flange.
" - Flange! (LAUGHS) "Or-inge.
" "Or-ange.
" Can you think of any words that might rhyme with it? - "Borringe.
" - Borringe would rhyme with it, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I don't think there is such a thing as borringe.
- There's borage.
- No - borringe, borringe.
- JO: "Lozenge," - That's what you suck upum Sir, sir, Lock's making it up, sir! LAUGHTER We're terribly close, cos there's Blorenge.
- Blorenge? - It's a place.
Anyone know where Blorenge is? Well, it sounds like it's in Belgium.
No, closer to home.
"Blo-rr-enge.
" - Wales.
- Wales, it is! It is.
It overlooks Abergavenny.
It has a famous car park.
What else has it got? A horse is buried there, a famous horse called Foxhunter.
There's also "Gorringe-" SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR If you said "porridge" with a cold.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- - "Porrange.
" JO: I've got a cold.
(NASAL) "I'll have some porrange, please.
" Lester Piggott - he goes, "What'll you have for breakfast, Lester?" - "I want porrange.
" - BILL: "Porrange.
" I'm sure that Richard Whitely, on Countdown, said that nothing rhymes with orange.
He may well have done, - but we are here to explode - Richard Whitely.
- .
.
the myths of the Whitelys.
- Explode Richard Whitely! I saw him interviewing two Bluebell dancers once.
- Really? - I thought he was gonna have a coronary.
- LAUGHTER - "Could I have two from the top?" Very good.
Here we are - "Gorringe.
" It's a surname.
It's probably the same root as "Goering.
" My prep school tailors were called Gorringe, funnily enough.
- Really? - Where we'd get our uniforms made, yeah.
BILL: God.
You had a tailor? You had a tailor, for, like the suit you wear when you're five?! - It was (LAUGHS) - Were you born in need in the 1850s? No! No.
You had LAUGHTER "I shall measure up young sir for his shorts and cap.
" It was a particular outfitter, who was the school outfitter Oh, right.
You should say that.
.
.
which was a tailoring shop that'd outfit school outfits, called Gorringe's.
"Which side does young sir dress on? Well.
" - Hardly worth bothering! - There's nothing really to worry about.
"You should know that - it's written on the toilet walls.
" Theseoh, heavens.
Why did I even mention that? That's- "Do you want to get measured up for shorts?" Oh, Lord! "Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, you are all such beasts! Well, anyway, Gorringe is a splendid English surname- "I suggest a cummerbund for Geography.
" LAUGHTER "I said(LAUGHS) I do rather like this pink polenta!" LAUGHTER Utter rotters.
Gorringe is the splendid English surname of, amongst others, Henry Honeychurch Gorringe, who brought Cleopatra's Needle to New York's Central Park, in case you didn't know.
Anyway, what colour - fingers on buzzers - what colour is the planet Mars? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" - Yes, Jo.
- It's red.
Oh, no! SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING I knew that was gonna happen.
No - it may be called the red planet, but it isn't red.
- I'm afraid it's actually brown.
- Rusty brown.
It's brown-y brown, really.
No, it only appears red sometimes because of the dust in the atmosphere.
in fact, its landscape is a very boring, brown colour.
According- Why are we going there?! What's the (BLEEP)ing point? You are just unbelievable.
You do- ah.
I see, I see.
Yes, I see.
APPLAUSE Right.
I refuse to rise to the bait.
Alright.
According to New Scientist, actually, the most recent pictures of Mars issued by NASA were tweaked - by, sort, of, polo- - Photoshop? You know, using filters, and Photoshop, exactly.
Britney Spears on it, make it more interesting.
There were tweaks in order to conform with our expectations of its redness.
Next, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, a topical one - what prevented Henry VIII from marrying Lord Pembroke? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Jo.
Lady Pembroke.
LAUGHTER Very good.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE Um because gay marriages were illegal.
Oh, you've done it.
SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING Oh! No, the fact is he actually did marry Lord Pembroke, eventually.
- He married Lord Pembroke? - Yes, he did.
- Was "Lord Pembroke" a nickname for a lady? - A lady! Lord Pembroke was certainly a lady, - but, absolutely - it was Anne Boleyn, in fact.
- Oh, right.
He was married to Catherine of Aragon at the time, and was not head of the Church.
She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king's chamber! No, she was just very miffed at not being able to marry.
You sounded like you were in a school play then.
He runs on - "She disguised herself as a man to get" You're supposed to be an actor! Have you never seen Jonathan Creek? Um, no.
No, nonsense.
No.
"She disguised herself as a man and sneaked into the king's chamber!" - LAUGHTER - "I must leave for France!" Yes.
What happened was he was married to Catherine of Aragon.
The Pope was head of the Church in England, and elsewhere in Europe.
And Anne Boleyn was very annoyed, so, to shut her up, he offered her a title.
And at first he offered her an ordinary title, and she said, "No, I want a proper title.
" So he gave her the marquisate of Pembroke.
So she became the Marquis of Pembroke, which is a male title, of course.
But then, eventually, he did overcome it, and declared that his marriage to Catherine of Aragon was null and void, and separated from Rome, and married Anne Boleyn, and then cut her head off, of course.
Anyway, from marquesses to mammals.
I'm one, you're one.
Lord Pembroke, she was one, as well.
We're all mammals.
We come in a wide variety of colours - - white rhinos, black panthers, brown bears- - Whales.
- Red kangaroos, blue whales- - The blue whale.
Pink elephants - ha-ha.
But no, there are name a green mammal.
- WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE - Frog.
- - Frog.
Now, name a green MAMMAL! SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE - An ancient Greek cow.
WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes, Jo.
A budgie.
Now name a green mam-mal.
- I'm getting round to it.
- Right.
SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR OK - a rotten badger.
LAUGHTER Very good.
Excellent.
- We've all seen them.
- Yes, good one.
- Green mammalchameleon! - No, there are none.
- Is that a mammal? - No.
- - No, no.
- - Chameleon's a lizard.
- HARMONICA FLOURISH - A really, really jealous shrew.
No, there are none.
They're very common to birds, reptiles, fish, but there are no green mammals.
There is a sloth that looks green, but it's actually the algae that grow in its fur.
But that's the only one that migh- What, cos it's so slow-moving that moss grows over it? So much a sloth.
Exactly.
Lastly, we come full circle to the mad, mad world, Alan, of ancient Greece.
- (SIGHS) - Woo-ee! Why wouldn't an ancient Greek baker mind if you told him where he could stick his baguette? SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Sean.
Cos they were a bit like that.
LAUGHTER You know what I mean.
I think we all know - but I'm not gonna say it.
Cos you can't these days.
Ooh - very hot water.
I almost thought it was Bertrand Russell talking then, for a minute.
As a pleasuring device? - A bread dildo.
- A dildo.
A bread dildo is the right answer.
They made their dildos out of bread in Greece.
Oh.
You know that most women would have gone for the eating option Did someone write that down? Is that written down in ancient Greek? It was only discovered in 1987, actually.
It's a very recent discovery.
Who discovered it? Was a Greek baker frozen in a glacier with a? BILL: No, he's going like that.
When you look, he's going .
.
who was handing the baton of ancient Greece to modern Greece.
That's what he was doing.
It's time for the final reckoning.
I shall give scores.
Now, just in last - fourth place - just, with minus 22, is Alan Davies.
But a brilliant performance, and we thank you for it.
In third place, with minus 20, is Jo Brand.
In second place, with a huge plus 7, is Bill.
But way out in front, with 17, is Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen.
- BILL: Oh, well.
- APPLAUSE Well, my thanks go to Bill, Sean, Jo and Alan.
I'm going to leave you with two quite interesting remarks on the subject of colour.
The first is from Frank Borman, the Apollo 8 astronaut - "My experience helped me to see how isolated and fragile the Earth really is.
It was also beautiful.
It was the only object in the entire universe that was neither black nor white.
" And the second is from former US president, Gerald Ford - "Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair.
He's just prematurely orange.
" LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Closed Captions by CSI
This is the show where everything is as bright as a new pin, and we avoid cliches like the plague.
You won't hear me saying that our four players are "champing at the bit" and "raring to go.
" Not in a month of Sundays.
So, without further ado, let's meet and greet Bill Bailey APPLAUSE .
.
Sean Lock .
.
Jo Brand, and Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE Now, tonight, although this is Series B, we're talking about colour, so all of our buzzers are blue.
Bill goes HARMONICA FLOURISH .
.
Sean goes SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR .
.
Jo goes WOMAN SINGS "OOH" .
.
and Alan goes WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE Oh.
- That's a genuine recording.
- LAUGHTER You said that without moving your legs.
Um, right.
Now, sweeties - you all have sweeties, and to help you get into a primary mood, a range of bright colours.
And here's a nice Mediterranean one to get your started with.
What colour was the sky in ancient Greece? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Jo.
- Blue, if that picture's anything to-- SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING Oh, no.
No, it wasn't.
No, it wasn't, I'm afraid, blue.
I should've(CHUCKLES) .
.
I should've told you that it was ancient Greece - and I did.
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They didn't take photographs in ancient Greece, so that might have been a hint that the photograph was of modern Greece.
- Well, I know, but, you know.
- Yes.
No, you fell into our beautifully- - That could be a very good carving.
- It could be, I suppose.
Wouldn't it, perhaps, have been darker blue, cos it's sort of faded a little bit over time? Well, it might have done.
LAUGHTER What we call blue, they call something else.
Well, no - the ancient Greeks didn't call anything blue.
- They didn't look up ever? - No, they didn't call anything blue.
- They didn't have colours? - BILL: No word for blue.
They had colours, but they didn't have a word for blue.
- That's quite right.
- No word for blue? - What do they say - "the sky?" - Bronze.
- Bronze? - Yes, they called it the bronze- Homer called it bronze-coloured.
I've got no time for these Greeks.
And yet without them, you wouldn't be here.
Oh, that's so rubbish! You say this every week.
Because it's true! What do you mean we wouldn't be here? Because without logic, mathematics, harmony, democracy, justice, logic- That's got nothing to do with the people shagging for decades, ending up with me.
The television - without television, you are nothing.
I know that better than anybody.
There wouldn't be a word for televisiona Greek word.
Well, no - funnily enough, "television" is a word that offends a lot of classicists, because it's both Latin and Greek.
- It's a hybrid word.
- Aww.
- They're so touchy, aren't they? - They are, you see.
They call it a chimeric word because the "tele" is Greek, and the "vision" is Latin.
But if there was no Greek- like, the Saxon word for television would be something like "boxy light.
" We know what they are, because the German - it would be "Fernsehen.
" Oh, yeah.
Wake up, Sean! They've got blue in their flag.
What do they call that, bronze and white? - That's the modern Greeks.
- Oh, the modern Greeks.
Ooh, we don't like them.
Not that blue didn't exist - they didn't have a word for it.
I would be here without the ancient Greeks.
I wonder how many Welsh words there are for colours, Alan Davies, when we start on this, I wonder.
Unfortunately, because of you English people destroying our natural culture and heritage, I don't know our own language.
- Oh, yes.
I must apologise for that.
- Cruel imperial invader! My great-grandfather was forced to flee Cardiff and set up a restaurant in the East End.
LAUGHTER Do you want to know something very interesting, Alan? There is no Welsh word for blue.
- WellI'm sure there is! - There isn't.
There is no word- BILL: There is - but you can't say it.
So when did they hand over? When did ancient Greece hand over to modern Greece? Did someone say, "There you go.
Go on.
" "first thing we gotta do - the sky is blue, alright?" - "Blue, there you go.
" - "For a starter.
" It's a very interesting question.
They used to believe - some Darwinians believed - that the Greeks genuinely- that's to say, Greeks as ancient as Homer, who was a very, very long time before even Sophocles and Socrates, the ancient Greeks that you and I talk about every day.
They actually believed that they hadn't developed a colour sense in the eye, but it's now essentially perceived that they didn't really find any use for calling things by different colours, so much as they did its function.
WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes, darling? Am I boring you? Losing the will to live a bit.
LAUGHTER I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
APPLAUSE Couldn't you have just hit your buzzer there, Al? - Hey? - It's just that- - WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE .
.
that's just an excerpt from a bronze movie, I think.
LAUGHTER Very good.
Very, very good.
Nice one.
Now, in a similar spirit, Homer regarded wine, the sea and sheep as all being the same colour, which is red.
To us, colours are so obvious that this seems peculiar, but colour is just one way of describing tones.
Now, look at this picture.
What does a rainbow look like from the other side? - You can't see it.
- SEAN: Slightly different.
- - BILL: Yeah.
Just slightly different.
Notit's notit's nice.
- But it's not quite as(GESTURES).
- But it's not quite the same.
it's a bit, uh.
You'd rather be on the proper side, but it's alright.
(LAUGHS) It's an opposite.
I wouldn't bother going round to look at it.
I'd just go, "No, it's better this side.
" It is a long journey.
It's hard, really, to concentrate on it, cos there are people going, "Come round, look at it from this side.
" But your first answer was correct, for which you'll get some points.
- You can only see it from - BILL: From the side that you're on.
- LAUGHTER - .
.
yeah.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to see it.
No, there is a very particular way you can actually see- It's to do with where the rain is and where you are.
- And where the sun is.
- Where the sun is, and the rain, - and where you are.
- There has to be sun.
- And rain.
- And the sun has to be behind you.
- Yeah.
Because the light coming from behind your head, they're going through a raindrop, they're bouncing off the back of a raindrop, and coming back to your eye.
And it can only happen at an angle of 42 degrees, which is why it's in a- WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Can you tell me at what point in time human beings were actually able to sing a rainbow? Ah.
Is there a song about singing a rainbow? ALAN AND JO: I can sing a rainbow Sing a rain - Yes.
- There's loads of different ones, wasn't there? Grey and grey and grey and grey Grey and grey and grey I can sing a wood louse.
- You know, it's like that.
- LAUGHTER I see.
That's what it is.
Oh, very good.
In Estonia, they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- I know.
- Estonians aren't stupid people, are they? - They aren't.
- They're very stumpy, though.
- BILL: Yeah.
Indigo, incidentally - what do you know about indigo? - Blue, isn't it? - Purple, purple.
It's a funny colour.
Do you remember- - It's the colour of, um - Silence?- No.
Could you sing that song instead? - No, I can't, actually- - It's the colour of audacity.
See, I'm doing it now, talking like that.
- It's the colour of audacity.
- Oh, stop it.
It's a sort of dark-y, dark-y blue, isn't it? No, isn't it a fertility thing? Well, it's an Indian plant that was used for dyeing.
In what sense would it be a fertility thing? It's a colour.
Doesn't it come up on women's legs, in circles.
when they're ready? - That may be impetigo.
- Like bands.
- Are we thinking of impetigo? - Oh.
It comes up on women's legs? BILL: Garters.
Garters are what you're thinking of.
- ALAN: "When they're ready!" - Is it impetigo? Well, indigo - it's a dark blue dye used for such things as jeans and police uniforms.
Which brings mewhy, oh, why, take the piss out of Newcastle? Haven't got any toilets.
They've got no toilets and they hold it in.
They're so hard, they can hold it in till they go on holiday.
And that's why they talk out the side of their mouth, like that.
"I'm comin' to visit, Aunty.
Can't wait.
" - Interesting theory.
- Is that wrong? Is it that the urine is exceptionally pure because of the filtering process of brown ale? - Used to be very pure.
- Right.
But now, no longer, probably, is.
Newcastle was a major exporter of piss.
- Ah! - In the 18th century.
- What does urine contain? - Ammonia.
- - BILL: Uric acid.
- Ammonia, good.
- And some sort of infection thing.
And if a jellyfish stings you, you gotta pee on your leg.
No.
I'll give a further hint, - which was that I introduced the question by saying - Anaesthetic.
- .
.
indigo was used - A dye.
.
.
for such things as policemen's uniforms - yes.
- A dyeing agent.
- Ammonia was used in the dyeing industry.
- Tie-dye.
- And in North Yorkshire, they had these great quarries, where they mixed the ammonia, and stones, and things, with woad, and came out with these dyes.
Newcastle's third biggest export, after coal and beer, was wee-wee.
Do you think you could- has anyone ever weed into their own mouth? Yeah.
Oh, it's easy.
You can be certain people have done it.
I've seen babies do that.
It's very funny.
They're, sort of, lying, wriggling, having been changed - We used to go high up the wall.
- .
.
and they pee into their mouth.
We used to have a toilet at school, and it was, like, urinal up to about there, then wall, and then a window.
- Yes.
- Which was quite high.
- Mmm-hmm.
And my friend Danny - "The Squirt" LAUGHTER .
.
bending, right, quite far back, like that, - could wee out of the window.
- Wow.
Well, the fact of the matter was in Newcastle, people had to pee into buckets, which were collected wee-kly - ah.
No, the reason that policemen's uniforms used to be such a rich and impressive hue was that they had been widdled on by Geordies, ultimately.
Now, have you all enjoyed your sweeties? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Good.
Which colour did you like best? - Bed, I think.
- Red? now, that's interesting.
Most children, when asked which colour they like most, will say red.
When a food manufacturer wants to colour food red, he uses one of these, in fact.
It's a food addictive.
This is E120 colourant.
My question is what is E120 made from? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" A beetle of some sort.
No, no.
I'm afraid not.
ALARM BELLS RING, SIRENS SOUND No.
We rather predicted you would say that.
It's rather unfair of us, because you're almost right.
- It's a bug, not a beetle.
- Oh, right.
Well What's the difference between a big and a beetle, then? - Oh, don't ask him that.
- You should remember, of all people, - because we covered it - Bugs suck things.
.
.
we covered it last year.
Well done, you did remember.
Five points for remembering.
- What do beetles do? - They don't suck.
They can't.
Well, they're an order of insects.
They drink their straw, and they look at you, like, "Yeah.
" - "Oh, yeah.
" - "Not a bug, alright?" The point is, Jo, "bug" is not just American slang for any insect.
It's a specific, scientific word.
- It has piercing mouth parts, in case you- - Mandibles?- - Oh, how lovely.
Yes, yes, mandibles.
Right.
You answered to that like it was your nickname.
- He did, yes.
- "Mandibles" - he went, "Yes?" - LAUGHTER - "How can I help you?" - But, um- - It was his nickname at school.
"Mandibles" Fry.
But the point about this stuff, which is also called - Cochineal.
- Cochineal, yes.
- You get some points back for that, of course.
- Phew.
.
.
is that it is made from crushed insects.
They're called Dactylopius coccus, and they're a kind of bug, as I say.
And it takes about 70,000 of them to make one pound of cochineal.
We've moved away from cochineal because those people who don't like eating animals felt they were being conned by things that were supposedly vegetarian, like a tube of Smarties, when it turned out they had dead animals in them.
And, of course, they're not kosher.
E122, which we now use, except in Smarties.
In Smarties, you're still eating the crushed- - I'm eating crushed bugs? - Crushed bugs, yeah, with the red ones.
But E122 is very bad if you have an allergy to aspirin, for example.
I think it makes some people go very blotchy, and it makes some people hyperactive! - And so, it's an interesting issue.
- Can I stop you there? - Yep.
- Changed my mind.
- Think I prefer the green.
- Oh, there you are.
Never mind.
Tough.
Where did the whole notion of crushing beetles to get their colouring from, I mean, arise? When did people think, "These foods are just not the right colour.
I need a bit more pizzazz in my lunch.
" Well, I think you only need imagine, don't you? You know, you're pounding maize in Mexico - which is where this thing started - and a few of these beetles that live- - they're all over the place in Mexico.
- Right.
Accidentally fall in.
While you're pounding it, it goes a rather beautiful pink colour.
- And your husband says, "I like this new maize cake.
" - "Wait a minute.
" "This pink polenta.
" They didn't start, like, crushing animals and slowly worked their way down to beetles? They're, like, crushing a squirrel.
"No, that's no good, that colour.
Next animal.
" - That's how I made- oh, look! - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - You've set your buzzer off.
- That's what I'd imagine.
Also, they didn't say, "I love this pink polenta.
" They said, "The pink polenta, I love it!" - So you think- - "I want-a some pink po-len-ta!" So you think this happened after the Spanish colonisation of Mexico, do you? LAUGHTER Oh! Alan! (GROANS THEATRICALLY) He got you.
That was a good one.
Hats off.
Are you telling me the Incas talked like Oxbridge graduates? Well, however they talked, it's really- "I'm just going out to finish off Macchu Picchu.
Help me with these stones.
" It was really the Aztecs we were concerned with.
But, in either case, never mind.
Have you ever felt like your weapon's not big enough, Jo? - No.
Nonsense, nonsense.
- No.
No.
Let's move from bugs to beetles.
"Lovely, pink po-len-ta!" Sure.
LAUGHTER Beetle fanciers, as you probably know, are called HARMONICA FLOURISH - Coleopterist.
- Very good! Coleopterist.
- We'll give you five points for that.
- Thank you very much.
- Press him on how the hell he knows that.
- Yeah.
Well, because when I was a child, I would- In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.
LAUGHTER So if you can explain how you know something, it'd almost be like Alan would love to know the mystery of this.
- BILL: Welcome to my world of knowing! - Well-put.
The wonderful world of looking up things in books.
You looked it up in a book? No, no.
Cos, when I was a kid, I collected butterflies.
- What were you called, then? - What was that?- - A l - A lepidopterist.
- Lepidopterist.
I was a lepidopterist - not a leopard collector, as you may have thought.
JO: Don't you sort of run out, and kind of kill them yourself? No - you catch 'em in a net, and then you put 'em in a bottle with chloroform, and they gradually I know it's not- it's cruel.
JO: That's not very nice.
Were you a lepidopterist, as well? - I did a bit of bug-hunting, yes - Did you? .
.
as the Americans say.
SEAN: I can see you running along with a big net, like that.
- Dressed as an ancient Greek - "Tarquin! Tarquin, I've got one!" .
.
with a flowing toga and a big net.
Oh! But you're quite right.
A coleopterist.
They call- "I am an Aztec!" - I was a philatelist.
- Were you? - Yep.
- SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Is there a special word for someone who did Metalwork? LAUGHTER - Yes - a smith.
- A blacksmith.
I did a bit of that when I was a young man, yeah.
- Or a metallurgist.
- Yeah - "loser," we call them.
No, coleopterists, who love beetles, coleopterists are extremely busy people, far too busy to sit and watch television panellists dithering about, so we have to push on a bit if we want to keep them on board, because they're very, very busy.
How long is it since anyone discovered a new type of beetle? - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - Eight seconds.
Eight seconds is quite recent, but it's not far off- WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yeah? - Oh700 years.
- No.
- - No.
Look, no-one is forcing you to play this game.
If you want to go and sit in the corner HARMONICA FLOURISH You killer.
You're a killer, you are.
BILL: I release them into the wild after they're killed.
Yes.
Actually, that is the supreme irony - that moths got into the collection, and ate them all.
LAUGHTER The answer- well, it could be five- it's about an hour.
Since 1700, they reckon that a new species was discovered, on average, at the rate of about one new specifies every six hours, but it's accelerated.
There may be as many as 10 million different species of beetle, and only 2,000 coleopterists in the world, supposedly.
So many beetles, just not enough time.
SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Very good.
The amazing thing about beetles - two-thirds of all insects are beetles, but even more, if you put all examples of plants and animal species in a row, - every fifth one would be a beetle.
- BILL: (WHISTLES) Every tenth one would be a weevil, as it happens.
So we come to the next question.
Which is the odd one out of these three - a Ptiliidae beetle, a camel or the Sultan of Brunei? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes.
- Is it a Ptiliidae beetle? - It is.
Correct.
You get the points.
Can you elaborate? Umwell, I don't want to show off.
LAUGHTER - The camel stores water in its hump- - No.
- Well, I know the Sultan of Brunei- - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - Sultan of Brunei.
- What do we know about You don't know the Sultan of He can afford to pay pop stars to dance around in their knickers.
- Indeed he can.
- He's that rich.
- He's thatrich.
- BILL: He's that rich.
Now, what do rich people have in common with camels? The ability to sustain water in their humps.
Inability WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" - Yes.
- They're (BLEEP)ing miserable all the time.
What can they not do? - Pass through the eye of a needle! - Go to heaven! - Pass through the eye of a needle.
- Oh.
It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
- Same thing.
- Yes, it is.
The point is this beetle is so small it can go through the eye of a needle, unlike a camel, - or a rich person.
- Oh.
- - Ah.
And they come in very, very varying sizes, beetles.
The biggest one, Titanus giganteus, is huge.
We have a sample of the second biggest one.
- This is the Hercules beetle.
- (SCREAMS)- - Oh! This is from the Natural History Museum in London.
How many examples of beetle do you think they have there? How many different? - No, it's a lot more - it's 12 million.
- Oh.
Blimey.
They have 12 million.
Finally, we plunge into the land that knowledge forgot - Daviesland, the place we call General Ignorance.
So fingers on buzzers, please, for one last chance to avoid looking like complete Charlies.
Firstly, and returning to our colour theme, what rhymes with "orange?" WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE LAUGHTER - No - nothing.
- SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - Oh! - SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING Oh, dear.
Oh, Lordy, bless.
- "Flange.
" - Flange! (LAUGHS) "Or-inge.
" "Or-ange.
" Can you think of any words that might rhyme with it? - "Borringe.
" - Borringe would rhyme with it, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I don't think there is such a thing as borringe.
- There's borage.
- No - borringe, borringe.
- JO: "Lozenge," - That's what you suck upum Sir, sir, Lock's making it up, sir! LAUGHTER We're terribly close, cos there's Blorenge.
- Blorenge? - It's a place.
Anyone know where Blorenge is? Well, it sounds like it's in Belgium.
No, closer to home.
"Blo-rr-enge.
" - Wales.
- Wales, it is! It is.
It overlooks Abergavenny.
It has a famous car park.
What else has it got? A horse is buried there, a famous horse called Foxhunter.
There's also "Gorringe-" SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR If you said "porridge" with a cold.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- - "Porrange.
" JO: I've got a cold.
(NASAL) "I'll have some porrange, please.
" Lester Piggott - he goes, "What'll you have for breakfast, Lester?" - "I want porrange.
" - BILL: "Porrange.
" I'm sure that Richard Whitely, on Countdown, said that nothing rhymes with orange.
He may well have done, - but we are here to explode - Richard Whitely.
- .
.
the myths of the Whitelys.
- Explode Richard Whitely! I saw him interviewing two Bluebell dancers once.
- Really? - I thought he was gonna have a coronary.
- LAUGHTER - "Could I have two from the top?" Very good.
Here we are - "Gorringe.
" It's a surname.
It's probably the same root as "Goering.
" My prep school tailors were called Gorringe, funnily enough.
- Really? - Where we'd get our uniforms made, yeah.
BILL: God.
You had a tailor? You had a tailor, for, like the suit you wear when you're five?! - It was (LAUGHS) - Were you born in need in the 1850s? No! No.
You had LAUGHTER "I shall measure up young sir for his shorts and cap.
" It was a particular outfitter, who was the school outfitter Oh, right.
You should say that.
.
.
which was a tailoring shop that'd outfit school outfits, called Gorringe's.
"Which side does young sir dress on? Well.
" - Hardly worth bothering! - There's nothing really to worry about.
"You should know that - it's written on the toilet walls.
" Theseoh, heavens.
Why did I even mention that? That's- "Do you want to get measured up for shorts?" Oh, Lord! "Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, you are all such beasts! Well, anyway, Gorringe is a splendid English surname- "I suggest a cummerbund for Geography.
" LAUGHTER "I said(LAUGHS) I do rather like this pink polenta!" LAUGHTER Utter rotters.
Gorringe is the splendid English surname of, amongst others, Henry Honeychurch Gorringe, who brought Cleopatra's Needle to New York's Central Park, in case you didn't know.
Anyway, what colour - fingers on buzzers - what colour is the planet Mars? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" - Yes, Jo.
- It's red.
Oh, no! SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING I knew that was gonna happen.
No - it may be called the red planet, but it isn't red.
- I'm afraid it's actually brown.
- Rusty brown.
It's brown-y brown, really.
No, it only appears red sometimes because of the dust in the atmosphere.
in fact, its landscape is a very boring, brown colour.
According- Why are we going there?! What's the (BLEEP)ing point? You are just unbelievable.
You do- ah.
I see, I see.
Yes, I see.
APPLAUSE Right.
I refuse to rise to the bait.
Alright.
According to New Scientist, actually, the most recent pictures of Mars issued by NASA were tweaked - by, sort, of, polo- - Photoshop? You know, using filters, and Photoshop, exactly.
Britney Spears on it, make it more interesting.
There were tweaks in order to conform with our expectations of its redness.
Next, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, a topical one - what prevented Henry VIII from marrying Lord Pembroke? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Jo.
Lady Pembroke.
LAUGHTER Very good.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE Um because gay marriages were illegal.
Oh, you've done it.
SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING Oh! No, the fact is he actually did marry Lord Pembroke, eventually.
- He married Lord Pembroke? - Yes, he did.
- Was "Lord Pembroke" a nickname for a lady? - A lady! Lord Pembroke was certainly a lady, - but, absolutely - it was Anne Boleyn, in fact.
- Oh, right.
He was married to Catherine of Aragon at the time, and was not head of the Church.
She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king's chamber! No, she was just very miffed at not being able to marry.
You sounded like you were in a school play then.
He runs on - "She disguised herself as a man to get" You're supposed to be an actor! Have you never seen Jonathan Creek? Um, no.
No, nonsense.
No.
"She disguised herself as a man and sneaked into the king's chamber!" - LAUGHTER - "I must leave for France!" Yes.
What happened was he was married to Catherine of Aragon.
The Pope was head of the Church in England, and elsewhere in Europe.
And Anne Boleyn was very annoyed, so, to shut her up, he offered her a title.
And at first he offered her an ordinary title, and she said, "No, I want a proper title.
" So he gave her the marquisate of Pembroke.
So she became the Marquis of Pembroke, which is a male title, of course.
But then, eventually, he did overcome it, and declared that his marriage to Catherine of Aragon was null and void, and separated from Rome, and married Anne Boleyn, and then cut her head off, of course.
Anyway, from marquesses to mammals.
I'm one, you're one.
Lord Pembroke, she was one, as well.
We're all mammals.
We come in a wide variety of colours - - white rhinos, black panthers, brown bears- - Whales.
- Red kangaroos, blue whales- - The blue whale.
Pink elephants - ha-ha.
But no, there are name a green mammal.
- WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE - Frog.
- - Frog.
Now, name a green MAMMAL! SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE - An ancient Greek cow.
WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes, Jo.
A budgie.
Now name a green mam-mal.
- I'm getting round to it.
- Right.
SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR OK - a rotten badger.
LAUGHTER Very good.
Excellent.
- We've all seen them.
- Yes, good one.
- Green mammalchameleon! - No, there are none.
- Is that a mammal? - No.
- - No, no.
- - Chameleon's a lizard.
- HARMONICA FLOURISH - A really, really jealous shrew.
No, there are none.
They're very common to birds, reptiles, fish, but there are no green mammals.
There is a sloth that looks green, but it's actually the algae that grow in its fur.
But that's the only one that migh- What, cos it's so slow-moving that moss grows over it? So much a sloth.
Exactly.
Lastly, we come full circle to the mad, mad world, Alan, of ancient Greece.
- (SIGHS) - Woo-ee! Why wouldn't an ancient Greek baker mind if you told him where he could stick his baguette? SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Sean.
Cos they were a bit like that.
LAUGHTER You know what I mean.
I think we all know - but I'm not gonna say it.
Cos you can't these days.
Ooh - very hot water.
I almost thought it was Bertrand Russell talking then, for a minute.
As a pleasuring device? - A bread dildo.
- A dildo.
A bread dildo is the right answer.
They made their dildos out of bread in Greece.
Oh.
You know that most women would have gone for the eating option Did someone write that down? Is that written down in ancient Greek? It was only discovered in 1987, actually.
It's a very recent discovery.
Who discovered it? Was a Greek baker frozen in a glacier with a? BILL: No, he's going like that.
When you look, he's going .
.
who was handing the baton of ancient Greece to modern Greece.
That's what he was doing.
It's time for the final reckoning.
I shall give scores.
Now, just in last - fourth place - just, with minus 22, is Alan Davies.
But a brilliant performance, and we thank you for it.
In third place, with minus 20, is Jo Brand.
In second place, with a huge plus 7, is Bill.
But way out in front, with 17, is Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen.
- BILL: Oh, well.
- APPLAUSE Well, my thanks go to Bill, Sean, Jo and Alan.
I'm going to leave you with two quite interesting remarks on the subject of colour.
The first is from Frank Borman, the Apollo 8 astronaut - "My experience helped me to see how isolated and fragile the Earth really is.
It was also beautiful.
It was the only object in the entire universe that was neither black nor white.
" And the second is from former US president, Gerald Ford - "Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair.
He's just prematurely orange.
" LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Closed Captions by CSI