Roseanne s02e01 Episode Script

[LAUGHS.]
OK, SO YOU'VE GOT OF MAD, WELL ILLUSTRATED.
6 MONTHS OF KINGS OF DRAG RACING AND 24 MONTHS OF INDOOR SOCCER WEEKLY.
AND THE MAGAZINES SHOULD BE ARRIVING IN FOUR TO SIX WEEKS.
THANK YOU.
FROM MY MOUTH TO GOD'S EAR.
NICE WORK, BABE.
REAL SMOOTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS JOB, DAN? NOTHING.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT! D.
J.
, BY THE TIME YOU MOVE, I'LL BE GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.
DARLENE NICE MOVE, BUDDY! HA! KING ME.
DAD, YOU GAVE HIM A TRIPLE JUMP! WELL, I ALREADY TOOK MY HAND OFF.
YOU'RE JUST LETTING HIM WIN 'CAUSE HE'S A MIDGET.
AM NOT! ARE, TOO! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A BREAK, BABE? I CAN'T, DAN.
THIS IS MY PRIME TIME.
EVERYBODY'S HOME FIGHTING WITH THEIR SPOUSE AND BEING TORTURED BY THEIR CHILDREN.
YEAH, SOME PEOPLE ARE EVEN FEEDING THEIR CHILDREN.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE'S CHILDREN HAVE ALREADY SET THE TABLE.
I TALK TOO MUCH.
OK, DEEJ, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE CALL IT A TIE? I HAD YOU! D.
J.
, YOU CAN'T PLAY CHECKERS TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.
DARLENE, PUT OUT THE FORKS AND STICK ONE IN YOUR TONGUE.
IS MY HAIR OK LIKE THIS? I GUESS SO.
WE'RE ONLY HAVIN' HAMBURGERS.
IT MAKES ME LOOK OLDER, DON'T YOU THINK? JIMMY'S A JUNIOR.
WHO'S JIMMY? YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
HE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
JIMMY MELTRIGGER'S THE VARSITY QUARTERBACK.
OOH.
TELL HIM NO TAKING THE SNAP ON THE FIRST DATE.
DAN! JUST TRYING TO GET HER READY FOR GAME TIME.
WELL, WHEN IS GAME TIME, BY THE WAY? TOMORROW NIGHT.
HE'S PICKING ME UP HERE.
AS OPPOSED TO WHERE, MOTEL 6? WHY DON'T YOU WEAR YOUR BLUE SWEATER OUTFIT? YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD IN THAT.
I MIGHT, BUT IF I DO WEAR IT, IT WON'T BE BECAUSE OF YOU.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
JUST DON'T.
FINE! GO AHEAD AND WEAR ONE OF YOUR DORKY BIG-BUTT OUTFITS.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
THIS IS MAGAZINE DISCOUNT HOUSE.
DARLENE, GET THE DOOR.
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO GET THE DOOR? YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO GET THE DOOR.
[RING.]
I'LL GO.
HI, CRYSTAL.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO! HEY, CRYSTAL, DID YOU GET THE DRESS? UH-HUH.
I WENT THROUGH MY COUSIN BEVERLY'S CLOSET AND I FOUND A TREASURE.
TOMORROW NIGHT, ROSEANNE, YOU WILL BE THE BELLE OF THE BALL! I'D RATHER WEAR THE BAG.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? WELL, YOU STICK A COUPLE CANDLES IN MY NOSE, AND I'D LOOK LIKE A BIRTHDAY CAKE.
THANKS ANYWAY, CRYSTAL.
DAN, YOU JUST BETTER GO TO THIS THING ALL BY YOURSELF.
NO DICE, BABE.
YOU GOTTA GO.
IT'S A GRAND OPENING.
I DRY WALLED THIS BANK FOR YOU.
WELL, WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE DRY WALLED SOME DRESS SHOP FOR ME? COME ON, YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.
FREE CHAMPAGNE, LIVE BAND, ALL THE SHRIMP YOU CAN EAT, AND, YES, ME.
WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT? I WANT A NEW DRESS.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY MONEY? WELL, I DID, BUT I BLEW IT ON TUBE SOCKS FOR D.
J.
DAMN! I HATE MYSELF.
HEY, I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN BORROW A REALLY NICE DRESS, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO BE OPEN.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? BY OPEN, I MEAN I KNOW SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN BORROW A DRESS FROM, BUT WHEN I MENTION HER NAME, YOU GOT TO PROMISE YOU WON'T SCREAM.
I PROMISE.
EDNA DeBELCO.
AAH! WHO'S EDNA DeBELCO? AAH! SHE'S A REALLY WONDERFUL PERSON, DAN.
ROSEANNE'S JUST SCREAMIN' BECAUSE SHE THINKS EDNA'S A WHININ', COMPLAININ', SNIVELING KLETCH.
KVETCH.
BECKY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS DRESS? STICK A FEW CANDLES IN IT AND MAKE A WISH.
HEY, MOM, WHAT YOU WORKIN' ON? INVOICES.
I'M ORDERING NEW CHILDREN.
YEAH? WELL, WHY DON'T WE TRADE BECKY IN FOR A PARTIALLY TATTOOED LATIN BOY OF 16? 'CAUSE THAT'S MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO MYSELF.
HOLD IT.
COULD THIS WOMAN BE MY LITTLE BECKY? NOT ALL OF HER.
IF I WERE YOU, I'D CHECK UPSTAIRS FOR SOME MISSING KLEENEX.
DARLENE, YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG MOUTH.
AND YOU HAVE SUCH A SMALL CHEST.
AT LEAST I HAVE A CHEST.
AT LEAST I'M NO DROOLING, BOY-CRAZED NYMPHOMANIAC.
HEY, LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS 'CAUSE I HAVE A DATE.
AND A TWO-PLY CHEST.
HERMAPHRODITE.
OH, YEAH? HOW DOES THIS SKIRT LOOK WITH THIS SWEATER? GOOD.
MOM? JUST FINE.
REALLY? REALLY.
DAD? TERRIFIC.
PROMISE? PROMISE.
MOM? BECKY, WOULD YOU RELAX? YOUR DATE'S NOT EVEN UNTIL TONIGHT.
BUT I'M GIVING MY REPORT IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE STUDENT COUNCIL TODAY, AND JIMMY MELTRIGGER HEAD OF MY COMMITTEE.
REALLY, MOM? REALLY.
THANKS.
BECKY.
WHAT? COME HERE.
WHAT? YOU FORGOT YOUR REPORT.
I GOTTA GO.
I GOT TO GO OVER TO THE LUMBERYARD AND TALK TO JOEY.
HEY, WHEN YOU GO OVER THERE TO PICK UP YOUR TUXEDO, MAKE SURE YOU GET THE SHOES THAT GO WITH IT.
I WILL.
AH, YOU BETTER PUT A NOTE ON YOUR WINDSHIELD.
HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR? WELL, IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF DAN CONNER ON HIS WEDDING DAY, "BABE, I'M GONNA WEAR WHAT I'M GONNA WEAR.
PTOOEY!" AND WHATEVER IT IS, I'M SURE YOU'LL LOOK AS TERRIFIC AS I DID.
HI, EDNA IT'S ROSEANNE CONNER.
HOW ARE YOU? GOOD EVENING.
THIS IS VANESSA FROM THE MAGAZINE DISCOUNT HOUSE.
AND SINCE YOU'RE A PREFERRED CUSTOMER WITH A CREDIT CARD, I'M PREPARED TO OFFER YOU A 1, 2 OR 3 YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO YOUR FAVORITE MAGAZINES AT PRICES SUBSTANTIALLY LOWER THAN THAT WHAT YOU PAY AT THE NEWSSTANDS.
YEAH? SAME TO YOU! [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
HELLO.
OH, HI, EDNA.
AAH! OH, YEAH.
I TRIED IT ON, AND IT FITS PERFECTLY.
NO.
I WOULDN'T TRY TO LANCE THAT THING BY MYSELF.
OW! OH! DAN HURT HIMSELF, EDNA.
I HAVE TO GO.
HEY, I THOUGHT YOU HAD PEP SQUAD TODAY.
I'M QUITTING PEP SQUAD! I'M QUITTING SCHOOL! I'M NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN! IF ANYBODY CALLS ME, TELL 'EM I'M DEAD! WELL, IT MUST BE SERIOUS.
SHE'S NOT TAKIN' PHONE CALLS.
WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS MY SISTER? SHE WENT UPSTAIRS.
AHA! I'LL NAIL HER ON HER HOME TURF.
NAH, YOU'RE NOT NAILIN' NOBODY.
WHAT HAPPENED? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS SINCE I WAS 2.
YOU PASSED A TEST! ENLIGHTEN US.
I'D BE GLAD TO.
NOW THIS IS ACCORDING TO CHERYL BREWER WHOSE OLDER SISTER NOT ONLY GOES TO LANFORD HIGH, IS ALSO ON THE STUDENT COUNCIL, AND HAD A RINGSIDE SEAT FOR THE EVENT OF THE CENTURY.
GET TO THE POINT, EDNA.
OK, THIS IS GREAT.
OK.
HERE GOES.
OK, HERE GOES.
HOTSHOT BECKY'S STANDING UP TO GIVE HER SPEECH IN FRONT OF ALL HER SNOTTY HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS-- GEORGINA WELLEN, LINDA FERRAMIN, DIANE "THE SCHNOZZ" BIRELLI, AND MR.
PERFECT, JIMMY MELTRIGGER.
THERE SHE IS, ALL DRESSED UP TRYING TO LOOK SO COOL, WITH HER HAIR PERFECT THAT SHE SPENT IN THE BATHROOM-- DARLENE.
OK.
WELL, JUST AS SHE COMPLETES THE LINE, "I'D LIKE TO THANK THE STUDENT COUNCIL FOR ALLOWING ME TO SPEAK MY MIND," IT HAPPENED.
WHAT HAPPENED? BECKYCUT THE CHEESE.
PEOPLE ARE ALREADY CALLING HER "CONNER THE BOMBER.
" DARLENE, GIVE IT A REST.
OH, POOR BECKY.
SHE SHOULD BE PROUD.
BECKY CONNER-- THE ONLY WOMAN TO BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER WITHOUT A PLANE.
YOU KNOW THIS COULD'VE HAPPENED TO YOU.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS AND SEE HOW HER DAY WENT.
OH, NO.
I THINK YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO ON IN THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
WELL, THEN, GO OUT THERE AND STAY THERE TILL YOU ARE.
WELL, NOW WHAT? SHUT UP, DAN! WHAT? THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
THIS IS TOTALLY SERIOUS.
MM--WHY DON'T YOU GO UP-- UPSTAIRS AND TALK TO HER? 'CAUSE I FIGURE THIS IS YOUR AREA OF EXPERTISE.
OK, OK.
OK.
I DIDN'T MAKE IT.
HONEY.
WHAT? I OWE YOU ONE.
[KNOCK KNOCK.]
I HEARD YOU LAID DOWN THE LAW.
WHO TOLD YOU? IT WAS ON THE NEWS.
DARLENE TOLD ME.
OH, GREAT.
HEY, HONEY, ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
WELL, THIS ONE HAPPENED IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE STUDENT COUNCIL.
EVERYBODY HEARD IT.
JIMMY MELTRIGGER HEARD IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
I DON'T WANT THIS, OK? WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATE WITH JIMMY? WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I KEPT THIS DIARY-- I'VE HEARD THE DIARY STORY.
YEAH, WELL, I'VE MADE SOME REVISIONS.
OK, AND IN THIS DIARY I HAD WRITTEN DOWN MY INNERMOST SECRETS.
ALL MY FANTASIES AND LOVE POEMS, ALL THAT REALLY EMBARRASSING CRAP.
I KNOW, AND SOME GUY STOLE IT.
YEAH, AND READ IT TO THE WHOLE SCHOOL.
I WANTED TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND DIE.
THAT WAS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER LIVED THROUGH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT GUY'S NAME.
BARRY WATNICK.
HIS NAME WAS BARRY WATNICK.
EVERY TIME YOU TELL THAT STORY, YOU SAY, "I CAN REMEMBER IT "LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.
THAT CREEP BARRY WATNICK STOLE MY DIARY.
" NICE TRY.
LONNIE TOLD ME ABOUT BECKY'S UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT.
I'M SO SORRY.
YEAH, WE'RE THINKING OF HAVING HER PUT TO SLEEP.
I BOUGHT BECKY A CARD.
WELL, HOW THOUGHTFUL.
AND STRANGE.
I GOT TO DROP LONNIE OFF AT THE Y, THEN I'LL BE BACK TO DO YOUR MAKE-UP.
THANK YOU, CRYSTAL.
YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THEY MAKE A CARD FOR EVERYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA BET? I'LL BE DAMNED.
HI, SWEETHEART.
HERE'S THE REMOTE.
[WHISTLING.]
PLFFT! ROSEANNE, WHY DON'T YOU LET ME TALK TO BECKY? NO, SHE'S ALREADY CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE EDGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO, ROSEANNE? I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU SOME SAMPLES.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY? OH, I WAS JUST REMEMBERING THE TIME WHEN YOU DOVE INTO THE IVY STREET POOL, AND CAME UP, AND HAD A WHOLE CONVERSATION WITH HENRY JYWICKI WITH YOUR LEFT BUOY BOBBING ON THE SURF.
OH, LORD.
THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT HENRY JYWICKI SPENT THE REST OF HIS SUMMER RIDING HIS BIKE AROUND OUR DRIVEWAY.
THAT NEVER HAPPENED, JACKIE.
IF THAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED, I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL.
IT WAS YOU HAD ON THAT STARS AND STRIPES BATHING SUIT BECAUSE YOU SAID IT REMINDED YOU OF PETER FONDA'S HELMET IN EASY RIDER.
AND WHEN YOU CAME UP, HALF THE COUNTRY HAD DISAPPEARED.
OH, MY GOD.
I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT.
COME ON.
[KNOCK KNOCK.]
GO AHEAD.
TELL HER.
BECKY, I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AT SCHOOL TODAY.
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT IT REMINDED ME OF THE TIME WHEN YOUR MOM DOVE INTO A PUBLIC POOL AND CAME UP WITH HALF HER BATHING SUIT OFF.
WHICH HALF? THE NORTHERN STATES.
I WAS SO CRUSHED, I DIDN'T EVEN GO BACK TO THAT POOL FOR THE REST OF SUMMER.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT? WELL, THE POINT IS THAT WHEN IT HAPPENED TO ME, I WAS SO HUMILIATED I THOUGHT I'D NEVER GET OVER IT, YOU KNOW? BUT UNTIL JUST NOW, I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT.
AND YOU REMEMBERED IT? OH, YEAH, LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.
THAT WAS THE TALK OF THE TOWN.
HA! I RAN INTO HENRY JYWICKI JUST THE OTHER DAY AT THE HARDWARE STORE.
HE ASKED ME IF YOU WERE GONNA BE JOINING THE POOL AGAIN THIS SUMMER.
THEN HE MADE THAT FACE.
HERE SHE IS, MISS AMERICA MISS CONNER HAILS FROM LANFORD, ILLINOIS.
HER GOAL IS TO ACHIEVE PEACE ON EARTH, AND HER HOBBIES INCLUDE WINDSURFING AND SATISFYING HER MAN.
YOU LOOK GREAT, MOM.
WELL, THANK YOU.
COME ON, DEEJ.
LET'S GO GET YOUR PJs ON.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'LL GET IT IF I CAN COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
IF YOU COME OUT OF THE KITCHEN, YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.
OOH, NOTICE ME TREMBLE.
HI.
I'M HERE TO PICK UP BECKY.
OH, HI.
YOU MUST BE JIMMY.
COME ON IN.
THANKS.
NICE HOUSE.
GUESS YOU DON'T GET OUT MUCH.
WELL, BECKY'S STILL UPSTAIRS.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK? NO, THANKS.
REALLY.
I'M FINE.
YOU MUST BE DARLENE.
WHY? YOUR SISTER WAS RIGHT.
YOU'RE PRETTY CUTE.
BECKY SAID THAT? YEAH.
YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK? UH, NO, I'M ALL RIGHT.
WELL, IF YOU DO WANT ANYTHING, I'LL BE IN THE KITCHEN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I'LL GO TELL BECKY YOU'RE HERE.
HAVE A SEAT.
MISS MONEYPENNY, I'VE SPOKEN TO Q.
WE'VE DEPOSITED THE MICROFILM IN A VAULT IN ZURICH.
MOVE.
RIGHT.
SO, UH, BECKY TELLS ME YOU'RE A QUARTERBACK.
UH, NO, I'M A CORNERBACK.
I FEEL MUCH SAFER KNOWING MY DAUGHTER'S GOING OUT WITH A DEFENSIVE PLAYER.
[LAUGHS.]
YOU KNOW, I, UH, I SEE YOUR PICTURE IN THE TROPHY CASE AT SCHOOL.
THE ILLINOIS REGIONALS.
THEY SAY YOU WERE ONE OF THE BEST LINEMEN EVER TO PLAY FOR LANFORD.
JIMMY, ARE YOU SAYIN' ALL THIS TO GET ON MY GOOD SIDE? YES, I AM.
IT'S WORKING.
SO JIMBO, TELL ME A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT YOURSELF.
LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, WHY YOU IDOLIZE ME.
HEY, JIMMY MELTRIGGER'S DOWNSTAIRS WAITIN' FOR YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
"OOH, HE AIN'T BAD.
" I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HE'S HERE? OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? WELL, RIGHT NOW HE'S CHARMING THE RENTED PANTS OFF YOUR FATHER.
MOM, LOOK, I CAN'T SEE HIM.
TELL HIM I'M SICK.
OH, BECKY, GET OFF IT ALREADY.
IT WASN'T SUCH A TERRIBLE THING THAT HAPPENED.
THE PROOF OF IT IS THAT JIMMY'S DOWNSTAIRS WAITIN' FOR YOU.
HE'S JUST KEEPIN' THE DATE TO BE NICE.
OH, AND WHAT A ROTTEN CHARACTER TRAIT THAT IS.
MOM, I'M GONNA RUN INTO EVERYONE I KNOW.
BECKY, WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? THEY WERE LAUGHING AT ME, MOM.
COME ON.
LOOK.
SO YOU MADE A LITTLE BOOMBIE IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
YOU'RE JUST UPSET 'CAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE TO DO ANYTHING UNLESS YOU GOT IT WRITTEN DOWN ON A PAD BEFOREHAND.
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE SPONTANEOUS LITTLE SURPRISES THAT LIFE IS FULL OF.
AND FORTUNATELY, NO ONE WAS HURT.
YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT, TOO, BECAUSE I'M TELLIN' YOU, LIFE IS FULL OF BOOMBIES.
NOW WHY DON'T YOU GET DOWNSTAIRS BEFORE AUNT JACKIE RUNS OFF WITH YOUR DATE? MOM? YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT AGAIN, ARE YOU? NO.
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU YOU LOOK REAL NICE.
YEAH, I DO, DON'T I? UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
ED--EDNA, HAVE YOU TRIED TAKIN' A HOT BATH? I'LL GO ON RECORD RIGHT NOW AND SAY THAT HIGH-TOP CLEATS WILL DEFINITELY BE BACK IN.
HEY, LOOK AT.
THEY'VE BONDED.
ISN'T THAT CUTE? HEY, BECKY, HOW YOU DOIN'? HI, JIMMY.
COME ON, DAN.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
OH, YEAH, I'LL GET THE CHARIOT.
UH, IF YOU DON'T HAVE HER HOME BY MIDNIGHT, I'LL CLOTHESLINE YOU.
HEY, SEE YOU AT 10:30, SIS.
DARLENE, YOU BE GOOD.
WILL YOU TELL CRYSTAL THANKS? DON'T WORRY.
SHE'LL STILL BE TALKING TO EDNA WHEN YOU GET BACK.
HEY, HAVE FUN, YOU GUYS.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
OH, THAT MUST BE MY LIMO.
I WASN'T SURE YOU'D SHOW UP.
I WASN'T SURE YOU'D BE UP FOR GOIN' OUT.
WELL, I AM.
SO AM I.
SO, LISTEN.
EVERYTHING ELSE ASIDE, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY SPEECH? CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL