Rules of Engagement s02e01 Episode Script

Jeff, roll over.
Roll over.
Mm, good doggy.
Good doggy.
No- Pfft! What the hell? Well, you were snoring again, louder than ever.
I don't hear anything.
Because you're awake, like I've been all night.
Tell you what, I'll let you go back to sleep first.
Thank you.
Are you still awake? Yes.
You wanna do it? Ah! * How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * So have you made up your mind? Uh, yes, I have.
You are the prettiest waitress here.
Hi, I'm Russell.
I'm kind of like Fonzie around here.
Fonzie was gay? Ha-ha! I'm kidding.
It's nice to meet you, Russell.
I'm Amy.
All right.
Well, that's a nice perfume.
What is it? It's French fries and sloppy joes.
That's hot.
I wouldn't mind taking that to go.
Ah.
What's goin' on? Ah, nice timing, El Blocko.
Hey, uh, Adam, this is Amy.
Nice to meet you, and I apologize for anything Russell has said to you so far.
No, he's been sweet.
Yes, we've been sweet.
So, what can I get you? Uh, I'll have a slice of key lime pie and a coffee, please.
Okay.
I'm thinking about get- Oh, my God, I wish I had your dimples.
Well, I'd give them to you, but they're a family heirloom.
I got them from my grandfather.
Heh.
I got my moustache from my grandmother.
You keep your dimples, I'll get your coffee.
Wait, I didn't even order What are you doing? What? I had something going with her and you come in and stomp on my game? I was just talkin' to her, man.
I can't help it if my barely trying beats you workin' it like a rodeo clown.
Dude, I wasn't even trying either.
Until now.
You might want to step back.
Those of you in the first few rows may get wet, if you know what I mean.
I don't.
What are you, like a dolphin or a whale or something? Hey, don't worry about it.
Just know you're dealing with the Flirtmaster General.
Okay, yeah, we'll see.
All right, there you go.
Ahem.
Amy.
So, uh, I'm thinking about getting some pie myself.
What's your favorite? Oh, feel free to lie to him.
He likes that in a woman.
Oh, really? And what do you like in a woman? Well, anyone who brings me coffee and pie is pretty much at the top of my list.
Ha.
Well, I'd better go get that pie, then.
All right.
I didn't even order I'm good.
God, just let it go, man.
You're like that little cartoon dog that's always yapping at the big cartoon dog.
Don't compare yourself to the big cartoon dog, you're nothing like him.
This used to happen all the time, it's the best thing about you getting engaged.
What was the best thing about us getting engaged? That you took Dimples here off the market, leaving more inventory for me.
Really? That was the best thing? Honey, of course not.
The best thing about you getting engaged is the fact that you two found some beautiful love that you could share- All right, just ignore him, all right? He's upset because at the diner he was hitting on the new waitress and I came in and totally out-flirted him.
That was smart.
Why were you flirting with the waitress? I wasn't- I wasn't being serious.
I was messing around with Russell.
Well, couldn't you just do that by putting something he really wants on a high shelf? I've done that enough.
And then, you know, you told her you were engaged Uh You know what? I don't think you did.
Well, that's weird.
Did you not want her to know that you're engaged? Yeah, did you not? No.
No, I mean, it just didn't come up.
You might need this: Stop it.
Listen, I'm just saying, if I was engaged, I'd be singin' it from the rooftops, because I'd be happy about it.
I don't know, this isn't my business.
Look, I know you were just messing around, but the waitress doesn't know that.
I mean, she might have gotten the wrong idea.
Yeah, the wrong idea being there's an alternative to sleeping with me.
Okay, just because she finds out that Adam's taken doesn't mean she has to sleep with you.
It kinda does.
I'll introduce you as my fiancée and she'll back off.
Yeah, she'll back off you and back onto me.
And park.
Seriously, just because she finds out Adam- It kinda does.
Just once, can I come home and catch you looking at porn like a normal guy? The Italian loafers I got a couple of weeks ago.
I'm enjoying the smell while it's still more leather than foot.
You want a whiff? I've been married to you for 12 years, my sense of smell is shot.
What's with the 'tude? It's not 'tude, I'm exhausted.
I'm getting ready for this huge presentation at work and today I almost dozed off in the middle of a meeting.
See, I told you your job was boring.
I'm exhausted because of your snoring.
By the way, it's getting worse.
You know a guy at work cured his snoring with a simple surgery.
Oh, his wife got a boob job? No, he got a surgery on his nose and his uvula.
Pretty sure that's a girl part.
It's not a girl part, but that explains a lot of clumsy groping.
I don't need surgery.
I'll just go back to wearing those nose strips.
Those don't work, and you spend all night telling me how you look like you're in the NFL.
Like a white Jerry Rice.
Jerry White rice.
Look, it's a simple procedure.
It starts, it finishes, it's over before you know it.
And yes, I know there's a joke about our sex life in there.
I'm proud of you for catching that, but, uh, I'm swamped at work right now, and I can't take time off for surgery.
Well, my presentation is tomorrow and tonight I have to get a good night's sleep.
All right, well, don't take this the wrong way or overreact.
How about tonight I sleep in the guest room? Done.
Beautiful.
Just mull it over for a minute.
Just for tonight.
We'll deal with your snoring after that.
All right, look, you relax, because I'm gonna go get us some takeout for dinner.
All right? It's your last chance.
This may be the walk that pushes these bad boys over the edge.
Hm.
Hey, Jeff, it's almost 7:30.
You better get up.
Jeff! What? Morning.
Oh, it's amazing how great a good night's sleep feels.
I actually got up early this morning and I went to the gym.
Wow, look at you.
What's on your face? It's a Cheez Doodle.
I had a good night too.
I caught a Steven Seagal marathon on TV.
He cannot act.
Did you get any sleep last night? I think so.
I dozed off during a movie where Seagal was skinny, and I woke up during one where he was fat.
Fat or thin, that man cannot act.
Okay, wish me luck on my presentation.
You don't need luck, you're a rock-solid gal with top notch ideas.
Oh, that's- Which one is she? Is she pretty? Oh, yeah, she's really hot.
Well, what do you want me to say? You could've said, "not as pretty as you.
" Oh, of course she's not as pretty as- Whoa, there she is.
Hey, Adam, it's great to see you back.
Hi, Amy, this is my fiancée Jennifer.
Oh, I-I didn't know you were engaged.
Oh, well, how could you? You're not psychic.
It's very nice to meet you.
Oh, you too.
Why don't you guys take that booth and I'll be right with you.
Okay, thanks.
See? Now she knows and everything's fine.
Order me a coffee, I'll be right back.
Your fiancée's pretty.
Hey, thanks.
Ha-ha.
So what can I get you? Uh, a slice of key lime.
Again? Why have the same thing every day? Why don't you try something new? Hm.
Something new? I'll give you anything you want, extra whipped cream is on me.
Um, no.
No, I'm- I'm happy with the key lime.
Sure I can't tempt you with something new? The key lime will never find out.
But I'll know.
All right.
But if you change your mind, you let me know.
Okay.
God, I'm glad that presentation's over.
I'm really glad it went so well.
Never had a doubt.
Ew.
See, that's why they make the top explode, so you can't put the cork back in and return it.
Oh, I, uh, got the name of that doctor who cured my friend's snoring.
What do you mean? You said that you'd deal with my snoring, as in you'd adjust.
No, I said we'd deal with it, as in, we'd call the doctor and schedule the surgery.
Come on, babe, it's not just for me.
When you snore it means you're getting a lot less oxygen.
Less oxygen in, less carbon dioxide out.
I'm helping the environment.
Come on.
Look, you're not talking me into getting a nose job.
Now, there are other jobs that you could offer that I would be willing to entertain.
Come on, I can't go back to your snoring.
Bingham men don't get surgery unless it's life-threatening.
My grandfather needed hip replacement.
Did he get it? No.
He never walked again.
But he rolled with pride.
If I have to go back to getting no sleep, I am gonna go crazy.
Look, I wouldn't ask you to get surgery to change yourself.
Remember when you were thinking about getting a boob reduction? I said no.
Okay, fine.
If that's how you feel, why don't you just, uh, keep sleeping in the guest room? You think that's punishment? Confining me to Club Jeff? Where tonight, all Jeff's drink for free.
"In case you changed your mind, "just thought you might want to try my cherry pie.
" Oh, crap.
Hey, thought I heard you out here.
Yeah.
I'm starving, let's go to the diner.
The diner? Or we could just stay home a- and you can cook.
Cook? Huh? I made popcorn last night.
Come on.
Oh, what's that? That? Th-that That's the reason I don't wanna go to the diner.
I bought us a whole pie.
You want to have pie for dinner? Uh-huh.
It has never been more clear that we belong together.
Ha-ha.
Yeah.
Cherry? Is that supposed to mean something? I think so.
Isn't this great? I got the mini-fridge, I got the tunes.
Who wants ramen? Ramen? Ramen? Two ramens? Uh, no, I'm good.
Yeah, I don't want to put you out the 8 cents.
Well, suit yourself.
What album do you guys wanna jam to? Huey Lewis, Sports or J.
Geils, Blow Your Face Out? Why don't you pick the album, Gramps? It's your Victrola.
So did you introduce Jen to my waitress? Yes, I did.
She's still really into me.
Ooh.
Last night she left a note attached to a cherry pie.
Oh, whoa, cherry.
Clearly the sluttiest member of the pie family.
I shouldn't have gone there after working out, glistening with sweat, dimples blazing.
Uh-huh.
Yeah! This is the Cadillac of live albums.
Here we go.
We are gonna blow your face out! Awesome.
So listen, uh, I think you should really talk to Amy about this whole thing and straighten it out.
Makes sense.
Definitely not right after I've been at the gym.
Oh yeah, because you work out, I got that part.
Guys, check out this beanbag I found in the alley.
Can you believe somebody threw that out? Well, that's great, but what are all those homeless cats gonna pee on now? I'm thinking about lofting the bed.
That way all of this becomes party space.
Oh, awesome solo.
Excuse me, men of Delta Chi.
Listen, it's, uh, getting late and I'm really tired so can you keep it quiet? Yeah, sure thing, Mom! Why don't you just grow up and get the damn surgery, huh? Oh, looks like somebody wants me back in bed.
Okay, fine, you just stay here and sleep in your own filth, and I'll go enjoy our nice big, garbage-free bed all by myself.
Look at that.
She's on the verge of cracking.
Soon she'll give in, she'll beg me to come back.
And then I'll be the winner.
All right, my man, there she is.
Let her down easy.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for the support.
It's all right, brother.
I got your back.
Dude, you been workin' out? Yeah, I've been at the gym like f- Shut up, just go.
Uh, Amy.
Oh, hey, Adam, I'll be right with you.
Actually, I'm not here to eat.
I- I need to talk to you.
Oh, okay.
Sorry.
Um, look, I'm flattered that you're so, you know, into me and all, but I'm happily engaged.
What? It's perfectly understandable.
I mean, I led you on with my dimples and the sexy sweatiness and- And what are you talking about? You know, the flirting? "Try something new.
" I flirt with all my customers, because I work for tips.
What about the cherry pie you sent to my house? W- With the note? I have no idea what you are talking about.
But, uh, Fonzie over there bought a cherry pie yesterday.
"I'm so hot.
Look at my sweaty dimples.
" Dude, you've been Russelled.
Uh, goodbye.
Jeff? Jeff! What? Are you all right? Fine.
Yeah? It's 8:30.
I was waiting at the restaurant for you for over an hour.
Oh, sorry.
Did you get me something to go? No.
How late were the guys here last night? They left around midnight, but I kept on rockin' out till almost 3.
Ow.
Damn air-guitar shoulder.
Gotta remember on "Won't Get Fooled Again," you gotta build up to the windmills.
You have got stains on your shirt, you haven't shaved today, and that guest room smells like someone died in there.
Well, my shoes finally turned.
Hard.
I don't understand why you're doin' this.
What? Reverting back to John Q.
Jackass, college idiot.
Just get the damn surgery and come back to our bed.
I don't want the surgery! There's no reason not to do it.
Yes, there is.
What's the reason? Organ donor forms.
"Do not resuscitate.
" No, thank you.
What? They put you under anesthesia.
What if I don't wake up? Honey, are you scared? I'm not scared, you are.
Honey, those forms are just legal things, the surgery is completely safe.
But if this is how you feel, I won't push it anymore, all right? I just want you to come back to our bed.
What about my snoring? Well, I'd rather be next to you not sleeping than sleep alone.
Come on, I miss my big, furry body pillow.
Okay, I'll get the surgery.
Yeah? Mm-hm.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
If I fall into a coma, I want you to give me the sponge baths.
Not some fat old nurse.
Or some man-nurse.
Ha.
Okay, I will.
And talk to me, because they say people in comas can still hear stuff.
You got it.
But no boring work crap.
Just- You read me the sports scores.
But no soccer, just real sports.
Okay, all right.
We'll go talk to the doctor tomorrow.
I'm just glad tonight we're gonna be sleeping together.
The man really cannot act.
Hey, Audrey, check this out.
Watch when Jeff sits in this beanbag chair.
It's really funny, because he's so big, and it's tiny.
Sit right there and look and it'll be really funny.
Hey, Jeff, uh, sit in it.
Show her how funny it is.
You're right.
That was funny.
I've been Russelled.