Seinfeld s02e01 Episode Script

I'm always in traffic with the lane expert.
Do you know this type of person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice.
Never quite sure: " Is this the best lane for me, for my life?" They're always a little bit ahead.
" Can I get in over there? Can I get ahead of you?" Yeah, come on over here, pal.
We're zooming over here.
This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.
The ultimate I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop.
Not even rolling and you look out the window, you see gum clearly.
But we know that in the future, traffic will get even worse than that.
What will happen? Will it start moving backwards? Is that possible? That someday we'll be going, " Boy, this is some really bad traffic now.
This is really bad.
I'm gonna try and get off, and get back on going the other way.
" - She can't kill me, right? - No, of course not.
- People break up all the time.
- Every day.
It just didn't work out.
What can I do? I wanted to love her.
I tried to love her.
I couldn't.
You tried.
I'd be looking at her face, I'd go, " Come on.
Love her.
Love her.
" - Did you tell her you loved her? - I had no choice.
She squeezed it out of me.
She'd tell me she loved me.
All right, so at first, I'd just look at her.
I'd go, "Oh, really?" Or, " Boy, that's That's something.
" But eventually, you have to come back with: "Well, I love you.
" You know, you can only hold out for so long.
- You're a human being.
- I didn't even ask her out.
She asked me out first.
She called me up.
What was I supposed to do, say no? I can't do that to someone.
- You're too nice a guy.
- I am.
I'm a nice guy.
And then she seduced me.
We're in my apartment, I'm on the couch, she's on the chair.
I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back she's on the couch.
What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't.
I would've insulted her.
- You're flesh and blood.
- I had nothing to do with any of this.
I met all her friends.
I didn't want to meet them.
I kept trying to avoid it.
I knew it would only get me in deeper.
But they were everywhere.
They kept popping up all over the place.
"This is Nancy, Susan, Amy, my cousin, my brother, my father.
" - It's like I'm in quicksand here.
- I told you when I met her.
My back is killing me.
You gotta go to my chiropractor.
He's the best.
- Everybody's guy is the best.
- I'll make an appointment for you.
- We'll go together.
- Please, they don't do anything.
Do I have to break up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? - I have no stomach for these things.
- Do it like a Band-Aid.
One motion, right off! - Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing? - I'm letting you in.
No, I don't want to sit in back.
I'll be left out of the conversation.
- No, you won't.
- Yes, I will, George.
I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.
- Okay.
- Why can't you sit in the middle? Please.
It doesn't look good.
Boy, boy, girl.
I think you're afraid to sit next to a man.
You're a little homophobic, aren't you? Is it that obvious? - Hello, Jerry.
- Hello.
- Did you get a haircut? - Nope.
Shower.
So where are we eating? Tell me if you think this is strange.
There's this guy who lives in my building who I was introduced to a couple years ago.
He's a teacher or something.
Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other in the street or in the lobby, or whatever we would stop and chat a little bit.
Nothing much.
Little pleasantries.
He's a nice guy.
He's got a family.
Then after a while, I noticed there was no more stopping, just saying hello and continuing on our way.
And then the verbal hellos stopped and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition.
So fine, I figure, that's where this relationship is finally gonna settle.
Polite nodding.
Then one day he doesn't nod.
Like I don't exist? He went from nods to nothing.
Now there's this intense animosity whenever we pass.
I mean, it's like we really hate each other.
It's based on nothing.
A relationship is an organism.
You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you.
Same thing happened in The Blob.
I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy.
Confront him.
- Really? - Yes.
- Would you do that? - Lf I was a different person.
Hello? Hello, is Glen there? I'm sorry.
Is this 805-555-3234? Yes, I know I have the wrong number.
I want to know if I dialled wrong or Why do people do that? Come on up.
Oh, it's you again.
See? If you'd answered me, I wouldn't have had to do this.
That's two long-distance calls I've made to you.
Why can't you? Why? Why do they just hang up like that? Thank you very much.
- Taste this.
- No, I just had a sandwich.
- No, taste it.
- I don't want cantaloupe now.
- You never had it like this before.
- I only eat cantaloupe - Jerry, this is great cantaloupe.
- All right.
- It's very good.
It's good.
- It's good, huh? I got it at Joe's, 49 cents a pound.
That's practically half than what you pay at the supermarket.
I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.
It's too far.
It's three blocks further.
You could use my shopping cart.
I'm not pulling a shopping cart.
Am I supposed to wear a kerchief put stockings on rolled below my knee? The other thing is, if you don't like anything he takes it back.
- I don't return fruit.
Fruit's a gamble.
I know that going in.
I did it! It's over.
- You did it? What happened? - I told her, in the kitchen.
Which was risky, because it's near all the knives.
I started with the word " listen.
" I said: " Listen, Marlene.
" The next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it.
There's this voice inside me going, "You're doing it.
" Then she started to cry, and I weakened a little bit.
I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said: " Keep going.
Keep going.
You're almost out.
" It's like I was making a prison break.
I'm heading for the wall.
And I trip and twist my ankle and they throw that light on you.
You know? Somehow I get through the crying and I keep running.
Then the cursing started.
She's firing at me from the guard towers.
"Son of a" Bang! "Son of a" Boom! I get to the top of the wall, the front door I open it up, I'm one foot away.
I take one last look around the penitentiary, and I jump! See? Never as bad as you imagine.
I like that Marlene.
What's her number? Yeah, no, l I don't think so.
Could you stop that smacking? George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.
- No, thank you.
- It's the best cantaloupe I've had.
- No, really.
- I'll get you a piece.
- Jerry, tell him how good it is.
- Very good cantaloupe.
So that's it.
You're out.
Except for one small problem.
I left some books in her apartment.
So? Go get them.
No, I can't go back there.
Jerry, it's so awkward.
It could be dangerous, sexually.
Something could happen.
I'd be right back where I started from.
So forget about the books.
- Did you read them? - Well, yeah.
What do you need them for? I don't know.
They're books.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies.
What do you need it for after you read it? They're my books.
So you want me to get the books, is that it? So it must have been 95 degrees that night and everyone's standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands.
I was wearing my old jeans and T-shirt.
I don't know, I was just in one of those moods so I said to myself, " Marlene, just do it.
" And I jumped in.
As I'm getting out, I feel all these eyes on me.
So I look up, and everyone is just staring at me.
So, what did you do? Well, nothing.
It's no skin off my hide if people like to look.
I just didn't see what the big attraction was.
Well, I have a general idea what it was.
I could take a guess.
Hey, you know, Jerry just because George and I don't see each other doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends.
No.
Good enough.
I'm really glad we got that settled.
Great.
I don't know how this happened.
Jerry, it's not my fault.
No, it's not your fault.
" Books, books, I need my books.
" Have you reread those books yet, by the way? The great thing, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.
It's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything but, my God, we've had three lunches and a movie and she never stops calling.
And it's those meaningless, purposeless, blather calls.
She never asks if I'm busy or anything.
I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.
It's standard.
Has she left you a message where she uses up the whole machine? You know, sometimes she'll go, " Hello, Jerry?" And I'll go, "Oh, hi, Marlene.
" And then it's, "Jerry I don't know sometimes.
" - " Know sometimes.
" What about trying to get off the phone? You can't.
It's impossible.
There's no break in the conversation where you can go: "All right, then.
" You know, it just goes on and on without a break in the wall.
I mean, I've gotta put a stop to this.
Just do it like a Band-Aid.
One motion.
Right off! She is sexy, though.
- Don't you think? - Yeah.
Yeah, she is.
- Mr.
Costanza? - Yeah? The doctor will see you now.
Yeah.
" Doctor.
" I'm gonna have to wait in that little room all by myself, aren't I? I better take this.
I hate the little room.
Oh, hello, doctor.
Waiting room.
I hate when they make you wait in the room.
Because it says waiting room.
There's no chance of not waiting because they call it the waiting room.
They're gonna use it.
It's all set up for you to wait.
You sit there and you got your little magazine.
You pretend you read it, but you're really looking at other people.
You know, you're thinking about them.
Things like: " I wonder what he's got.
" And, "Soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine.
" Then they finally call you, and it's a very exciting moment.
They finally call you.
You stand up and kind of look around at the other people.
"Well, I guess I've been chosen.
I'll see you all later.
" You think you're gonna see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No.
You're going into the next waiting room.
The littler waiting room.
But if they are doing some sort of medical thing to you you want to be in the smallest room that they have.
I think.
You don't want to be in the largest room that they have.
You ever see these operating theatres that they have with, like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything that makes other doctors go, " I have to see this.
Are you kidding? Are they gonna really do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? " I got two for the Winslow tumour.
I got two.
" So how was it? I was in there for two minutes.
He didn't do anything.
Touch this, feel that.
7 5 bucks.
Well, it's a first visit.
What's 7 5 bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.
I'm only paying half.
- You can't do that.
- Why not? He's a doctor.
You gotta pay what he says.
No, no, no.
I pay what I say.
You feeling weird? No.
I'm fine.
- Nothing really happened.
- Yeah.
I know.
We just kissed a little.
People kiss.
Yeah.
Well Night.
Good night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I got it.
This time I got it.
- All right.
Hips.
See, it's all in the hips.
Gotta come through with the hips first.
That is out there.
Definitely.
- Joe's? - No.
Supermarket.
Well, is it good? - It's It's okay.
- Let me taste that.
See? That stinks.
- You can't eat that.
Take that back.
- I'm not taking it back.
- I'll take it back.
- I don't care about it.
You should care.
Cantaloupe like this should be out of circulation.
All right.
Take it back.
- No.
- Leave a message.
I'll call you back.
Jerry, have you ever tak en a bath in the dark? I'm not talking into the soap right now.
Call me back.
Who was that? - Marlene.
- Mar - Marlene.
- Yeah.
I took her home one night.
We started up a little in the car.
- I thought you were getting rid of her.
- I was.
But she's got me, like, hypnotized or something.
- Does George know? - No.
He'd go nuts.
Yeah, no kidding.
I feel terrible.
I've seen her a couple of times since then and I know I can't go any further, but She's got this psychosexual hold over me.
I just want her.
I can't breathe.
It's like a drug.
Psychosexual.
I don't know how I'm gonna tell him.
Man, I don't understand people.
Why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? It's partially you, yeah.
You're his friend.
Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesn't even know? - He can't kill me, right? - You're a human being.
She called me.
I never called her.
She started it.
- You're flesh and blood.
- I'm a nice guy.
- Hi.
- Hi, Elaine.
My little airplane lamp.
You have the slowest elevator in the entire city.
That's hard to get used to when you're on so many fast ones.
Apartment elevators are always slower than offices because you don't have to be home on time.
- Unless you're married to a dictator.
- Yeah.
Because they'd be very demanding people.
Right.
Exactly.
I imagine at some point somebody's gonna offer me some cantaloupe? No.
No good.
Well, you know what they say, lucky in love, unlucky with fruit.
Well, I'm taking this back.
So I had what you might call a little encounter this morning.
Really? That guy who stopped saying hello? - Yes.
- You talk to him? Yes.
I spotted him getting his mail.
At first I was just gonna walk on by but then I thought, " No, no.
- Do not be afraid of this man.
" - Right.
So I walked up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and said: " Hi, remember me?" And he furrows his brow as if he's really trying to figure it out.
So I said to him I said, "You little phoney.
You know exactly who I am.
" - You said, "You little phoney"? - I did.
I most certainly did.
And he goes, "Oh, yeah, you're Jeanette's friend.
We did meet once.
" I said, " How do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?" - This is amazing.
And he says, " Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, all right?" And I said, " Fine.
I didn't want to say hello anymore either.
But I just wanted you to know that I'm aware of it.
" You are the queen of confrontation.
You're my new hero.
You've inspired me.
I'm gonna call George about something right now.
This cantaloupe stinks.
I don't care.
- You're kidding.
- No, I don't care.
- You mean that? - Absolutely.
- You don't care? - No.
- How could you not care? - I don't know, but I don't.
Actually, I'm almost happy to hear it.
- I thought you'd be upset.
- I guess I should be, but I'm not.
Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? You're a fine person.
You're a humanitarian.
She's very sexy.
- That voice.
She's driving me crazy.
- I know.
I know.
I can see her tonight and you don't care? See her tonight.
See her tomorrow.
Go, knock yourself out.
- She's too crazy for me.
- All right.
As long as you're okay.
- I can't stop thinking about it.
- I'm okay.
I'm fine.
I'm wonderful.
I never felt better in my whole life.
Good.
I'll tell you what.
You don't have to pay the $35 I gave the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.
You paid that crook? - I had to.
- He didn't do anything, Jerry.
- It's a scam.
Who told you to do that? - It was embarrassing to me.
I was trying to make a point.
Why don't you make a point with your own doctor? What's wrong? - I think I swallowed a fly.
- Oh, God.
I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen? So you want to come up for a few minutes? I'm sorry, Jerry.
I just don't think this is gonna work.
Really? - I thought - I know.
I'm sorry.
I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting.
Are you sure you want to talk about this? I sure don't.
Of course I want to talk about it.
Well, okay.
I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.
Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? I saw your act.
My act? What does that have to do with anything? Well, to be honest it just didn't make it for me.
It's just so much fluff.
I can't believe this.
What are you saying? You didn't like my act? So that's it? I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
You're a cashier.
Look, Jerry, it just wasn't my kind of humour.
You can't go by the audience.
It was late, they were terrible.
I heard the material.
I have other stuff.
You should come see me on the weekend.
Women need to like the job of the guy they're with.
If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy.
Men know this.
Which is why we make up the phoney, bogus names for the jobs we have.
" Right now, I'm the regional management supervisor.
I'm in development, research, consulting.
" Men, on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job, are we? Men don't really care.
Men just go, " Really, slaughterhouse? That where you work? Interesting.
You got a big cleaver, just lopping their heads off? Sounds great.
Listen, why don't you shower up and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie.
"