South Park s02e01 Episode Script

Since the last South Park you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is.
Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage will not be seen tonight so we can bring you the following special presentation Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars.
Terrance and Phillip in the HBC Movie of the Week, Ladies and gentlemen, before you today sits a murderer.
On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr.
Jeffrey O'Dwyer, and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer.
That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance.
- Uh, Terrance, you farted in court.
- Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.
All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt.
A watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled.
a haiku called "Time to Kill Dr.
Jeffrey O'Dwyer.
" "Dr.
O'Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in, with my new hammer.
" Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God.
Je accuse Terrance.
- Would you like a monkey claw Phillip? - Yes please.
That's called the monkey claw cause it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.
The monkey claw is smelly.
Come on, get a move-on, I ain't getting a younger up here.
My sentiments exactly Your Honor.
I see from your accent that you're Southern Canadian.
- That is correct.
- Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is an innocent man.
- Oh ho, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument.
- I have, haven't I Terrance.
Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court.
They think farts are funny, but they're not.
- Sustained.
- Good people of the jury, my client Terrance is no more a murderer than you or me.
He loves puppies and hates mean things.
Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this? Of course not.
So, in summation, find Terrance innocent, or else he'll kill you.
Just kidding.
The defense rests.
God damnit, that isn't funny! Madam Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell out of here? We have Your Honor; we have found Terrance, in the above-entitled action of murder against Dr.
Jeffrey O'Dwyer You're going to have to repeat that verdict since we had some flatulence issues.
I said, we find We find Terrance NOT GUILTY!!! That sure was fun.
Let's go home and eat Kroff Dinner.
Well, looks like you got away with it Terrance and Phillip.
Oh, hello Scott.
No hard feelings, right old pal? There are hard feelings, this isn't over.
I'm going to see to it that you both pay for what you've done.
- And do you know why? - 'Cause you're a dick? No, because I hate you.
You think farting is soo funny, well it isn't! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I Oh, I hate you both.
I've hated you ever since I can remember.
I hate you and I wish you both had cancer.
- Cancer? - Yes, in the head.
- Head cancer? - This is not the end Terrance and Phillip.
You'll rue this day.
- Wow, Scott really hates us Phillip.
- Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
- But we're not gay, Phillip.
- We're not? Well, let us board the subway and return home.
There we can eat Kroff Dinner.
Yes, it's been a long day, and only Kroff Dinner can calm my nerves.
Say Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week.
He sure does seem to hate us.
I wonder what he'll try next.
- God only knows.
- The subway certainly is wonderful Terrance.
- It sure is.
Let's look for treasure.
- Yes, let's look for treasure.
- Hello? - Hello, is this Scott from Canada? Yes, yes it is.
- You're a journalist, right? - Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines.
I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Yes, yes I do.
They think that farts are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not.
Well, what if I were to help you get rid of them once and for all? Who is this? Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you if you help me.
- Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
- Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator?!? Hey, relax guy.
I'm just your average Joe.
Take a rest.
What do you want? You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada; I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada.
That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super, let's get started.
- I'm not sure I should trust you.
- Hey, relax guy, trust me.
Well, it's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway Phillip.
- Oh, hello Ugly Bob.
- Hello Terrance, hello Phillip.
- My God, you're looking hideously ugly today Ugly Bob.
How come you guys say stuff like that? - Because you're God Damned ugly Bob.
- I know, but Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out forest fire with a screwdriver.
I can't help how I look.
Besides, it's not what's on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside.
No it isn't.
Want to see what's on the inside of me? Wait, wait.
I've got an idea.
Why don't you put this paper bag over your head Ugly Bob? Yes, if people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.
Really? Hey, thanks you guys.
Maybe now I can score with chicks.
Sure you can Ugly Bob.
If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you.
Thanks you guys.
Hello Barky, hello Purry.
Bark Bark.
Purr Purr.
Say, Terrance, I was just aboot to make some Kroff Dinner.
- Would you like some? - You know I never turn down Kroff Dinner, Phillip.
I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
- Special delivery for Terrance.
- I'll take that.
Sign here and here and here and here and here.
- And here.
- Oh Terrance, you got a letter.
Shiver me timbers Phillip, at this rate I'll never get to my Kroff Dinner.
- Oh my God!!! - What is it Terrance? Did you fart? No, it's Sally, she's being held captive in Iran.
Not Sally, dear God no Terrance, why Sally, God why? - Say Terrance, who's Sally? - My daughter.
- I never knew you had a daughter, Terrance.
- Oh yes, didn't I mention that me heartys? No, you never did, Terrance.
Oh, well, it all began fifteen years ago.
My God, what a fascinating story Terrance, especially the part aboot Celine Dion.
Yes, indeed.
But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran, and I will have to go and find her.
- Then I will go with you Terrance.
- You are such a good friend Phillip.
Well, You know what they say; "A friend in need is a friend with Kroff Dinner.
" Advance there maties.
- Hello Celine Dion.
- Terrance, this is quite a surprise.
- You're looking well.
- And you.
- Celine, where is our daughter Sally? She's in the Middle East, studying anthropology.
Why? - Wrong, she's been taken hostage and is now being held prisoner.
- What?!? Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.
- Oh, Terrance, what happened to us? - We just grew apart, Celine Dion.
Please, bring our daughter home safe, Terrance.
- Hello Ugly Bob.
- Hi guys.
- How's the paper bag working out? People seem to really like it.
I even have a date this Friday.
- Terrific.
We need two tickets for Teheran please.
Iran is dangerous; you guys shouldn't go there.
Damnit man.
Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter.
- All right then, there's a flight leaving today.
Oh good.
Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.
Indeed Phillip.
Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kroff Dinner.
Same here Phillip.
O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land Scott to Red Dragon, come in Red Dragon.
Go-ahead guy, this is Red Dragon.
The plan is working perfectly; Terrance and Phillip are taking the bait.
Excellent, my buddies and I are ready to come to Canada.
Has everything been arranged? Yes, everything's proceeding according to plan.
Now, you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Hey, relax guy, I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain.
Roger Red Dragon, Scott out.
I've got you now you fart loving fart lovers.
I got you.
Sprayed your face.
Oh Phillip, how will I ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers and we have no idea where to begin.
Oh look, there she is.
- Oh good.
- Who, where? I'm here Sally; it's your father, Terrance.
I'm here to save you from your smelly Iranian captors.
- Papa.
- Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you Terrance.
- Oh, now I see the resemblance.
- Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.
Well, now that I've got my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again.
- Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend.
No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.
Oh my God! What is this?!? - Is this Canada? - It seems to have changed.
This is madness! What's going on Phillip? How could Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone? I don't know Terrance.
And who is that smelly person in all these pictures? I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.
Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that Terrance, uh, could you come back a little later? - Why? - Uh, I'm just a little busy right now.
You've got a man over, don't you Celine Dion? - Well, I - Hi guys.
- Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob! - What the hell are you doing here? I'm doing Celine Dion, what's it look like? Oh Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob.
- What do you mean? Why are you calling him Ugly Bob? Because that's his name you stupid bitch.
- You told me your name was Handsome Bob.
- Look at him Celine Dion.
Behold, his horrible face.
Oh my God, he's heinously ugly, and I am pregnant with his child! - What?!? Noooooo!!!!!! - I'm going to have a freak-baby! Oh, the humanity! Hey Saddam, you helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that.
But why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada? Huh, oh that? Don't worry guy, you just need a rest.
No, I don't need a rest! I want to know what this is all aboot.
Hey, relax fella, I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip an never come back to Canada again.
- I just need a couple of days, then I'm gonna head back to Iran.
I thought you were from Iraq.
Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax guy.
Phillip, I'm convinced that something very, very not good is happening to Canada.
Yes, I agree whole-fartedly.
- Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here? - Oh, hello Scott.
You're not supposed to be here.
You're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped Uh, I mean, how are you guys today? - Wait, what were you saying? - Nothing, why? - Hey Scott, guess what? - What? I hate you more than ever Terrance and Phillip.
I absolutely abhor you both.
- What are you doing Scott? - I'm wishing cancer upon you.
- Cancer? - That's right, I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.
- Ah, stop that.
- Hey, don't give me cancer.
Mr.
Hussein, the U.
S.
Government is becoming worried.
Worried, aboot what? Take a load off, relax.
- You seem to be taking over Canada.
- Taking over Canada? Me? Hey, you need a rest fella.
I'm not hiding any bombs.
- We didn't say anything about bombs.
- Oh.
You didn't? Hey, relax.
We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada.
After that, we're going to bomb all of Iran.
- I'm from Iraq.
- Iran, Iraq, what's the difference.
- Uh, I hate Americans, please let me kill them! - No, no, you need to relax guy.
Remember the plan; first we take over Canada, then we'll have the best of the female pop vocalists.
After that we'll take over the U.
S.
, then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world! - What's so funny? - Nothing, relax buddy.
- Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada.
- Oh, really? You promised me they'd be gone for good.
That was your part of the bargain.
I changed my mind.
Pray that I don't change it any further.
This deal's getting worse all the time.
Hey Terrance, let's watch American television.
Yes, we can get satellite feed from the U.
S.
and watch all their stupid TV shows.
Oh look, here's a show.
- Stupid.
- God damn their TV shows are lame.
The father of Eric Cartman is indeed - Look at their silly American heads.
- They look like groundhogs.
And in other news, it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.
S.
inspect his military operations.
When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied quote "Hey, relax fella, you need a rest guy.
" Hey Phillip, isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town? Yes, it is Terrance.
According to that newsy he's some kind of Turkish dictator.
Well, we can't just sit here and eat Kroff dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks.
- That fart sounded like a ringing phone Terrance.
- It sure did, Phillip.
Oh wait, that is the phone.
- Hello.
- Terrance, this is Scott.
- Oh, hey, it's Scott.
- Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
- Phillip says 'hello' Scott.
- Just shut up and listen.
You've unleashed a monster unto Canada and only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you and I wish you had cancer.
- You are such a dick Scott.
- You're a dick.
- You're a dick.
- You're a dick.
- You're a dick.
- You're a dick.
The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada.
You give other Canadians a bad name, and if I had my way.
- Oh, I'm sorry Scott, can you hold on a minute? - Sure.
- How do you like that Scott? - You son of a bitch, I'll get you if it's the last thing - Oh wait, I have another call Scott.
Can you hang on? - Sure.
Oh, that was very smelly.
He says hello.
- God damn it.
- Oh, wait a second Scott.
Sure.
I mean no.
You listen to me, if you want to save Canada you'll meet me at at Karl's Kroff Dinner restaurant in half-an-hour.
Oh Ugly Bob, I'm so confused.
I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.
- Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
We can only hope.
I suppose we'll be ok as long as you keep that bag on your head.
What's this?!? Hey there, my name's Saddam.
I'm a big fan of polo.
I've been searching a long time for you Celine Dion.
- Oh no, you don't, she's my bitch.
- Hey, who are you? I'm Bob, but my friends call me Ugly Bob because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.
Really, I thought all Canadians looked alike.
Let me see.
Wow, I'm sorry guy.
You know, I could cure that face of yours.
- You could? - Sure, I just need a favor.
There's a Candian football game tomorrow; the Ottawa Rough-Riders against the Vancouver Roughriders.
It's at that game that I will officialy turn the Candian flag over to my Iranian one.
- What?!? Why?!? - Hey, don't worry about that.
Take a load off.
Don't think about it.
Look over here.
All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game, to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada.
Whaddaya say? - Did you say 'hostile takeover of Canada? - No, no, relax there fella.
Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up.
Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure? Oh, good idea.
Let's search for treasure.
- What are you idiot's doing? - We're looking for treasure.
Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described? - No, we're searching for treasure.
- Listen, I have an inside scoop.
There's an Iraqi dictator who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
- Yes, you mean Saddam Smelly.
We saw him on the telly.
Well, what are you two going to do aboot it? - What do you mean? - It's your fault that he's here.
You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane, when you rescued your kidnapped daughter.
- You mean we are to blame? - That's right, and now you must make amends.
Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada at the Rough-Riders Rough-Riders football game.
- It will be your only shot at wiping them all out.
- Here, take this.
- What is this? It's a bomb.
You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions.
- That sounds scary.
- Well, you must do it for Canada.
- For Canada, Terrance.
- For Canada, Phillip.
Yes, Terrance and Phillip, and when the dust is settled Canada will be rid of both the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.
Well, Phillip, I'm very sad that we have to die for Canada.
Yes, this bomb will blow us both to smithereens.
But we really have no choice.
Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
- That's smelly.
- Wait a minute, Terrance, that fart gives me pause.
Why is that? That smelly Saddam Hussein, he uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not? -Yes, apparently he does.
Terrance, get the phone book, we must call every Canadian we can.
- Oh, Phillip, it sounds like you have an idea.
- I do Terrance.
And the Rough-Riders are really giving the Roughriders a run for their money.
All else aside, I must say that the Rough-Riders are simply outmatched by these Roughriders.
And that's going to take us to half-time.
Be sure to stick around for the half-time show Saddam and the Electric Iraqis and a salute to hostile takeovers.
- Well, I guess it's time old friend.
- Yes, prepare the alert.
Hello to my Canadian friends.
Everybody relax, take a rest, put your feet up 'cause those dogs are barking.
You may have noticed some changes to your country.
Don't worry about that, the changes will continue.
I'm here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad.
Kalookh Kalakh! You will bow down to me as your ruler.
You will obey my laws or you will be killed.
And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem, or you will be stabbed in the head.
Shtut malakh shtut, inka inka bruscht.
- Now Phillip? - Now Terrance.
Hey, what the hell is this? Frakh o shtut koolakh koolakh a shtut.
They're using chemical warfare, how could they? - We did it Phillip, we destroyed the Turks.
- Oh, glorious day.
- Terrance, Terrance, you've saved Canada.
- Oh, it was all Phillips idea.
- God bless you Phillip.
- Don't touch me Ugly Bob.
Hey, what the hell happened, you were supposed to be blown up.
We came up with a better plan.
You see Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada.
- Oh, that is so juvenile.
- Hey Scott, do you like apples? Of course.
How do you like them apples? I hate you Terrance and Phillip!!! - Oh Celine Dion, you never finished that national anthem.
You're right Terrance, you're right.
O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
Who is Cartman's Father? Find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks.