The Golden Girls (1985) s02e01 Episode Script

They say the Everglades are drying up and being built on.
- No.
- Yes.
Such a beautiful place.
Eventually, there won't be any land anywhere.
It's a shame.
Oh, it is.
It really is.
- You know what's also a shame? - What? When you sit down and your thighs become twice their size, that's a shame.
I am so excited about this.
Mink breeding is great idea.
- I didn't think you'd like it.
- Why? I know how you feel about animals.
Since it's for fur, they'll have to be killed.
- I didn't think you'd go for it.
- Do they have to be killed? No, Rose.
Many women like wearing coats that urinate.
I understand.
I grew up on a farm.
I'm used to it.
You see, farmers, they love animals but kill 'em cos it's the cycle of life.
Good animals serve man and go to heaven.
- Heaven? - Yes.
Heaven's full of cows and chickens and horses and pigs.
I hope heaven has boots.
Isn't Blanche gonna help? She won't come out of her room.
She's never been in there that long.
Except for that time with the lifeguard.
She must really be depressed.
She'll cheer up when the minks come.
If they come from Neiman Marcus.
Did Stan ever get you a mink coat? Stan wouldn't get a popcorn at the movies.
I always wanted mink.
I thought I would look elegant and impressive.
We didn't have mink in Sicily.
To impress someone, you shot their brother.
Oh, Blanche, you must be feeling better.
Better? Better? - Blanche? What's wrong? - Nothing.
- What is it, Blanche? - Nothing.
You've been crying, honey.
Or are those tears of joy? Joy.
Joy.
- Was that joy? - It doesn't look like joy.
- What is wrong? - I'm eating.
- Eating is good.
- I'm nauseated.
- Then stop eating.
- How did this happen to me? How? - What, Blanche? - Oh, my God.
Blanche, please, tell us what's wrong.
We're your friends.
Nothing's so terrible we wouldn't understand.
You can tell us.
What is it? I'm pregnant.
- Rose.
- Rose.
Rose.
Play nice, girls.
Sophia.
She fainted.
Are you all right, honey? I don't know what happened.
I just saw stars and blackness.
It was like being at the planetarium.
- It was the shock of the news.
- Sorry, Blanche.
No, it's quite all right.
It was shocking news.
I would have fainted myself, only I was afraid I'd fall down and chip my beautiful teeth.
- What shocking news? - Blanche is pregnant.
Holy cow.
Blanche, are you sure? I did a home pregnancy test.
It's right here.
It looks like a perfume sample.
Put it behind your ears, Rose.
See, it starts out red, and if it doesn't change colour, they say you're not pregnant.
If you are, it turns pink or grey.
I had drapes that colour.
I think it's called puce.
Is that puce? I always wondered.
So the decorator told me.
- It looks lavender to me.
- I hated those drapes.
Lavender brings out my eyes.
- Your eyes aren't lavender - Girls.
Blanche, who's the father? The father? Gee, I don't know.
You'd better figure it out.
When was your fertile period? I'm nine weeks late, it was two weeks before, so 11 weeks ago.
Nine weeks late and you just realised something is wrong? Yes.
I kinda lost track.
Get your book and find out what you did that week.
We know what she did.
We don't know with who.
We had a pig once.
The male pigs loved her.
She was beautiful.
And she got pregnant and we never knew who the father was.
Oh, my God, Rose.
What did you do on Father's Day? - Week of the 7th.
Let's see.
- Who was it? - Blanche? - I don't know.
But, Blanche, who did you see? That was a particularly active time for me.
I looked stunning.
I'd had my teeth bonded.
I was irresistible.
- Who, Blanche? - A few people.
How many is a few? Two? Three? Do we hear four? That was more like a ten-day two-week span.
For me, that's a lifetime span.
Not even.
You realise I'll be 65 when this child graduates high school? Try 70.
I'll be the oldest mother.
What I loved about my children was everybody thought I was their sister.
My body won't recover this time.
It barely did last time.
This is too depressing.
I'm going back to bed.
A baby.
She's gonna have a baby.
She can name it after its father, Rick Joe Bob Don Dave.
We've done everything to get them in the mood.
Music, soft lighting.
What else can we do? Leave them alone.
You're always here, looking.
It's sick.
I'm not always here, Sophia.
I work.
You call at lunchtime.
Sophia, go take a look.
- They need an aphrodisiac.
- An African what? An aphrodisiac.
It's a substance that makes you feel sexy.
Really? Like what? - Like Spanish fly.
- Spanish flies? Fly.
Fly, Rose.
One fly.
Come on, Dorothy.
I've been to Spain.
It's not the cleanest country in the world.
They got thousands of flies.
Valencia alone It is not a fly, Rose.
- Spanish fly is not a fly? - It's a beetle.
- A fly that's really a beetle? - Yes.
- How do they know it's Spanish? - It wears a little sombrero.
Why don't they just call it a beetle, Spanish beetle? Because they call it Spanish fly.
- What do they call their flies? - I don't care, Rose.
Forget it.
I don't care.
The minks can sit there and we'll lose our money.
Just don't mention Spanish fly to me again.
You're really touchy about these Spanish flies, aren't you? Blanche, what did the doctor say? Say? Say? Blanche? What happened? - Blanche? - She's in there.
Really, Columbo? Yes.
- Blanche, come on.
- What did the doctor say? - The worst thing.
- Oh, no, honey.
It's not.
It's OK.
The baby's gonna be fine.
You'll have amniocentesis, and the baby will be fine.
We'll help you.
The baby will have three mothers.
It'll be fun.
We can take turns feeding him, waking up with him.
I can do the car pools for school.
I'll help with homework.
I'm a teacher.
Then we can send him to the University of Minnesota.
Minnesota.
Are you crazy, Rose? This kid is going to Harvard.
Oh, Dorothy.
Those Ivy League schools are so snotty with those preppy people.
- Minnesota has a nice mix.
- Of cattle, maybe.
- This boy goes to Harvard.
- Who says? We'll vote.
Nobody is going to vote for Minnesota over Harvard, Rose.
- Oh, really? - He's not going anywhere.
- It's a girl? - Neither.
I'm not pregnant.
It's worse.
It's much worse.
- Blanche, what is it? - My life is over.
Oh, Blanche.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for thinking all those bad things about you when I thought you were pregnant.
Like what a slut you were for having all those men.
The things only a tramp would do.
But now that you're dying, please forgive me, I didn't know.
I am not dying, but I might as well be.
It's menopause.
As far as I'm concerned, this is the end of my life.
I don't know why I'm seeing a psychiatrist.
Because you haven't gotten out of bed all week.
You don't eat or sleep, just cry.
You see him or we do.
I don't know why you all have to be with me.
Because you're having lunch at Wolfie's after.
See him? Total fruitcake.
We're talking serial murderer.
When somebody tries to murder his cereal, he should see a psychiatrist.
Don't talk for the rest of the afternoon.
Ma, perfectly normal people see psychiatrists.
It's like talking to an old, knowledgeable, good friend.
If that was the case, they wouldn't call them psychiatrists.
They'd call them friends.
Psychiatrists means "psych".
For psycho.
- It does not.
- She's right.
I'm not staying.
He'll think I'm crazy cos why else would I be here? - Blanche.
- Take your hands off me.
I won't talk to a perfect stranger who thinks I'm crazy and reveal my secrets.
I won't do it.
I can't.
Pull yourself together.
You're in a psychiatrist's office.
- Blanche Deveraux.
- Oh, my God.
You go on, honey.
We'll be right here.
See him? Banana boat time.
He's talking to himself.
He is not.
He's wearing dentures and they keep slipping.
Sure, right.
Excuse me, sir, are you talking to yourself? Franwok is talking to me.
He's my Martian friend who landed his spacecraft in my yard.
See you at Wolfie's.
But why is your life over? Because it is.
Because it means I'm old.
It means I'm not a real woman anymore.
It really means you can no longer bear children.
It means much more than that.
I just don't know how it happened.
Only yesterday, I was Magnolia Queen.
I remember my Aunt Lynette going crazy about that time, my mother saying in a hushed voice, "She's going through the change.
" I thought, "Poor Aunt Lynette having to go through this change thing.
" I had no idea what it was, but I knew it was never going to happen to me.
- Here I am.
I'm Aunt Lynette.
- No, you're not.
You're Blanche, and all that's happening is a biological process, which means one thing and one thing only: You can no longer have children.
It means more than that.
Much more.
I can't even believe I'm really here.
At this point in my life, I can't believe we're having this conversation about me.
It's hard for you to accept.
Nobody in my family has ever seen a psychiatrist.
Except, of course, when they were institutionalised.
It's just so awful.
But you're a man.
You wouldn't understand.
Why wouldn't I understand? You don't get old and lose your appeal the way women do.
Cary Grant can have any woman he wants in his 80s.
Show me a woman like that.
Don't say Joan Collins.
She belongs in a wax museum.
It's not just menopause.
It's what it represents to you.
- Growing older.
- Yes.
Representing a loss of attractiveness.
Yes.
- Is that all it is, sex appeal? - Yes.
- Men only value that in you? - They used to.
Now my only hope is to become an intellectual and find a retired Jew.
Blanche, you have to change your thinking.
You have to find all the other things you are, all the other ways you please people.
There's more to you than you know.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and see my mother looking at me.
Not all the time.
Just now and then, when the light's too bright, or it's too early, or late, or I look real fast.
There it is, my mother's face.
It scares me to death.
It just scares me to death.
I get so depressed, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
I don't want to get out of bed ever again.
I hope Dr Parks can get those minks in the mood.
He's a wonderful vet.
He'll solve the problem.
Blanche, you're out of bed.
This is wonderful.
No, it is not wonderful, Dorothy.
I was in bed, eating.
If I don't get up, I'll be like a hippo.
And life has to go on in one form or the other.
I'll just spend my remaining years in the company of women.
Only reason I'm sticking around is to read Danielle Steel's next book.
This is because of the change? God, I hate that expression.
What is the big deal? It's nothing.
Look at this way.
You don't get cramps once a month.
You don't go on eating binges once a month.
You just grow a beard.
Don't listen to her, Blanche.
Believe me.
I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat.
Oh, my God.
- I never grew a beard.
- You never grew brains, either.
I tell you, menopause was wonderful for me.
It meant no more PMS.
- I never had PMS.
- Neither did I.
But I had a BMW.
A red one.
Charlie bought it for me.
PMS.
Pre-menstrual syndrome, Rose.
You mean, you never got crazy once a month? - No.
- Boy, I did.
I would cry, scream, carry on, put on 10Ibs of water.
Menopause put an end to that.
I loved it.
How could you love it? Because I didn't see it as having anything to do with my sexuality.
I am exactly the same as I was.
- Unfortunately.
- Thank you.
Men are so lucky.
They never get periods in the first place.
They never have to go through this.
They blame us for being crazy when we get 'em.
The first time I got my period, nobody had told me anything.
Your mother didn't tell you? She was very prim and proper.
Oh, what a surprise.
Well, my whole childhood, I kept hearing about the curse.
How when I was 13, I was going to get the curse.
I was absolutely terrified.
The year of my 13th birthday, I slept with the lights on all year.
I was sure there was a witch behind every wisteria.
I didn't go out on Halloween.
But the year went by and no curse.
Then the next year went by, no curse.
Finally, when I was 15, Mama took me to the doctor.
And he said, "Blanche, do you mean you don't have your period?" I said, "Of course I have my period, you fool.
For almost two years.
" "It's the curse I don't have.
" I got it, or I didn't get it, nobody told me.
I figured, "This is life," and ate my meatballs.
Then when I stopped, it just happened.
A few hot flashes and that was it.
- I've heard about those.
- They didn't bother me.
In Florida, who can tell a hot flash from a weather front? Oh, but it's all so depressing.
My cousin didn't get her period for - Ma, that never happened.
- Yes, it did.
Then it must be in the Guinness Book Of Records.
It is.
The Sicilian one.
The Garibaldi Book Of Records.
Ma, no 72-year-old woman ever became pregnant.
So what? It cheered her up.
She'll cheer up when she realises it makes no difference at all in her life.
It is just a concept.
It is not based on reality.
- No.
It's rained on my parade.
- Oh, Dr Parks, come right in.
- Who is that? - The vet.
- I don't think you met Blanche.
- No, he has not.
I would have remembered.
Thank you for coming.
A man as brilliant as you must be terribly busy.
The change of life didn't change her life.
Well, it's no mystery.
The minks won't breed because they're too old.
- You're kidding.
- Isn't he brilliant? Somebody sold you minks that are too old to breed.
They're worn out.
They're not interested.
- You can be too old? - Rodents can be, not humans.
Is that a theory or is that based on personal experience? Both.
Doctor, there's a lizard out on the lanai that's looking piqued.
- I wonder if you'd mind taking a look.
- Not at all.
I'm so worried about the poor little thing, I just can't sleep at all.
I'm such a lover of animals.
She could be in a coma.
Put a man within five miles, and she'd shave her legs.
I cannot believe they sold us minks that are too old.
- Who can you trust? - No one.
I learned that in Sicily.
Works in Miami, too.
Well, we wound up spending $678 in the mink business.
- What did we make? - Make? A mistake, Rose.
A very large, expensive mistake.
- Hello.
- Hi.
How did it go? - Is your lizard still alive? - He just loved me.
But he would.
I'm sophisticated, worldly, glamorous.
Maybe he's too down to earth, nice and decent, you know what I mean? - Yes.
- Yes.
Well, I had a good time.
He was very nice.
The best part is, I think I'm over my menopausal depression.
You just needed the confidence to know you're still attractive.
Dr Parks helped do that.
Maybe a little.
I know that beauty like mine cannot fade overnight.
He didn't have that much to do with it.
It was you girls.
You let me go and be crazy and you were right there.
We live here.
You were caring and supportive and I thank you for it.
I'm lucky to have friends like you.
The little rats are still here.
The animal people are coming tomorrow.
- No, they aren't.
- I called.
- I cancelled.
- What do you mean? We are not giving away Fluffy, Muffy, Buffy and Joanne.
Rose, they are non-breeding minks, who eat their weight in food every day.
Joanne? Dorothy, this is their home now.
Eat their weight in food every day? When I'm depressed, so do I.
No, Rose, they go.
No, the minks stay.
- They served man, we serve them.
- Come on.
Are you saying that because they're too old to breed, they're useless? The minks stay.
Right.
Come on.
Let's cook them something to eat.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - I think they're making - What? They're making a stole.
Let me see.
Let me see.
- We're back in business.
- Oh, please.
They are, Dorothy.
They really are.
Oh, they certainly are.
But don't count your money yet.
Those are the two males.